Chapter 11
Her whole body immobilised in time as a slow moment slithered past. Inside her head raced images of different reaction scenarios, and none of which included her jumping on him in glee or confess her own feelings too.
She felt a part of her was becoming numb, and the rest was in anguish.
It took her all the self-control she had ever possessed to continue with the conversation with the flattest look on her face. "I'll contact you when I come back from wherever I decide to go. Sorry to bring this up on you so suddenly..."
"Matsumoto" he stood up and stared at her in disbelief. How can she not give a crap about what he had just said?
He instantly made up his mind. He's not going to let her brush him off.
"It's late Taichou..."
Before she could finish, Toshiro swiftly closed the distance between them and his arms were around her.
"Rangiku I love you..." it felt like he has opened a flood gate in his heart and all the emotions are rushing out.
She stood limply for a moment then pushed him away. "Taichou please. I don't need sweet words and it's not going to make me have sex with you..."
"Matsumoto..." Astounded, he raised his voice and his grip became stronger around her. "I'm not trying to sweet talk you to go to bed with me. It's how I really feel, it's the truth."
"Right. Well, I hope you're telling your truth to the pretty girlfriend of yours too." She pushed him away again.
He froze. "I don't have a girlfriend..."
"Fuck-buddy then? Whatever... I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Just make sure she knows what she's getting into, young girls are kinda naïve at times… "
"What the hell, Rangiku?" He could feel his cold mask falling away from his face.
"Okura Shiyomi, she is very pretty. Anyway, I don't really care if you're screwing her or others on your office table. I mean it's your table, and your office…"
"I didn't... "
"It's ok, Taichou. I don't care..." she continued to be expressionless. This is so unlike her that just by looking at that stony face almost broke his heart all over again.
"Matsumoto I love you..." he confessed again, face half hidden as he pressed down the side of his head. He didn't know what else to say.
She took in a sharp breath and her voice has finally raised a little from its flat tone. "So, I've heard. But I'm not sure if anyone ever told you what love is. So I will let you find that out for yourself. Meanwhile, I'll take a little break…"
"Matsumoto..." he reached out and grabbed her hand. "Please let me hold you."
"No." This time she fired up and yelled at him with all the vocal power she had. Her face was turning red in exertion and a vein popped up at the side of her neck. "I have had enough!"
He clenched his jaw. He's not going to let her go. This time, he's fully resolute.
He knows now that she wants him. He knows and he's sure about it. Why else would she cry like that, why else would she want to leave after finding that piece of ribbon in his office, why else would she make love to him like that.
And even if she doesn't want him, he's going to make her want him. He's going to go all out this time.
He forcibly pulled her into a hug.
"Get off me, Toshiro…" she squirmed, wiggled and tried to push him away, but he's strong. His arms locked her in an iron tight embrace and she could barely move.
She felt her eyes started stinging again. She cursed mentally.
"Toshiro. Let. Me. Go!" she gritted her teeth in an attempt to stop her tears from falling, "If you force me again…"
"Rangiku, please, listen to me." his voice was gentle and soothing on her neck.
She stopped moving as his arms started to feel warm around her. "Please Matsumoto."
He buried his face in her hair as he muttered, "I've always loved you..."
She was motionless for few seconds before viciously pushing him away,
"Liar!" She yelled. "You DON'T love me. You NEVER did."
"I did. I do." He felt his heart throb painfully in his chest.
She wanted him to go away, disappear from her face. She wanted to be alone with her tears and heartaches.
"No. You don't. You don't love a person and force them to have sex with you. You don't love a person and screw other girls when they are away. You don't love a person and regret making love to them. You don't love a person and have sex with another in your office the day after you've slept with them…"
She was panting at the end of that heated speech and felt the warm tears started trailing down her face. She quickly wiped it away. Hoping against all hopes that he didn't see them.
But he did. And he felt horrible.
"Please, go." She muttered, her voice was shaky and weak. He could hear the pain and angst that surrounded her.
So, he stepped back from her and took slow motion steps towards the door, leaving Rangiku standing next to Nanao's bedroom, with her back towards her.
…
"Rangiku…" his mouth slipped out her name. Hearing his own voice calling out for her gave him the strength he needed.
Not that it mattered anymore. Shiyomi's kiss halted on his neck when she heard him. His strong fingers dug into her shoulder and he used all his strength to push her away.
"Rangiku?" She echoed. Her voice was menacing. "You were touching me, and called out for Rangiku?"
He did. He wanted Rangiku. Even though he was losing control over his body his mind was still on track.
He slowly stepped back and bent down clutching his knees to breathe out the turmoil he felt inside. Shiyomi stood still as if in a state of shock while hugging herself. Her eyes were void of any emotions.
Silently he fixed his own clothes before stepping past her to pick up her yukata which he wrapped around her frozen stature staring down at the floor.
"Shiyomi. I can't do this..."
She fell on the floor on her knees to Toshiro's distress. He didn't want to hurt the girl, neither physically nor emotionally.
"You can... you'd just have to imagine you're doing it with her and not me." Her voice trembled.
"I won't." He said firmly, if only to convince himself of it.
She looked up through her hair that was covering parts of her face and he saw her mouth twisting into a scowl as she chewed out the next sentence, "I offer myself to you in a platter and you call out for your lieutenant? Are you sure you're a man in real sense? "
Shaking his head to clear out the fogginess alcohol and Shiyomi's touches left him in, he looked down at her with contempt and commanded, "Go home Shiyomi. You're the second heir of the Okura family. You can't be sneaking out at night and doing…. this. Not after what your sister's been through."
In slow motion, her head drooped as he watched from above, her body started quivering. He heard the muffle cries coming from her.
The emotionless expression on his face changed. He felt guilty.
"Shiyomi, I'm sorry. But I can't return your feelings."
"My feelings? For you?" her strong voice sounded maniacal, "Don't flatter yourself Taichou. I have no feelings for you, whatsoever."
He narrowed his eyes. Then why do all these?
"My sister huh?" She muttered. "That princess has everything she wants. You think she's been through enough? Not. Even. Close. Not until I'm done with her."
For some reason Toshiro realised this whole thing is about something else entirely.
He sighed and ran his finger through his hair, "Shiyomi, please. Put your clothes back on, and leave. If you ever behave as such in the future, be sure that there will be no place for you in this squad. You don't want your father finding out what you are doing do you?"
"My father!" her voice was loud and raging. "Do you think my dear old father gives a single crap about me or what I do?"
Toshiro frowned.
"He wants nothing to do with me. If I disappear he'd be the happiest. Because his precious fornicating eldest daughter will inherit the whole of his legacy. His fucked up piece of shit legacy. Do you know why she is still unwed and pregnant, even with all my father's power, money and connections? Because last few weeks I've work hard to make sure she never gets married. I fucked every single one of those marriage prospects and threw that on her face." Suddenly she let out a loud laughter. "Even the father of her child, Ryu…"
She stopped her yelling abruptly and her head dropped again. "Megumi. Megumi. Megumi. It's always Megumi not Shiyomi. Is there something wrong with me?" Her voice was suddenly shaky and unsure. "Even during a pity fuck with you, I have to hear someone else's name."
"Pity…" Toshiro couldn't decide whether laugh, cry or be mad.
"I've seen the look of those girls' beds you graced with your presence. Ugly and dumb little c***s! Even Matsumoto Fukutaichou is..." she continued heatedly.
"Shiyomi." He warned.
She barely heard him and continued with her tale. "I'm tired of being treated like I'm worth nothing, just because my mother didn't have enough noble blood in her vein. And that was her only crime. She died alone and broken, without the love of her husband. Father made sure she never gets an ounce of his affection, because all of it was spent on his eldest daughter, whose mother was just another useless princess who can't do a single thing, or even survive her child's birth."
Toshiro frowned. He never knew how fucked up the Okura family is deep down inside, even after with all his social visits to their household.
"Even though I'm more beautiful and talented than any Okura women had ever had the good fortune to be, I am pushed aside and all glamour and glory is reserved for Megumi, because she's older, because she's the next in line to take over the Okura family, because her mother's family was nobler than mine. The marriage proposals that come for her, I see how they look at me. In their eyes I see it... they want me not her. Yet she's the one who gets to marry princes and rich handsome heirs, and I'm only worth an occasional fuck. I am a shinigami, top student in my class and yet I'm left with taking care of minor part of the family business." He thought she was crying.
"She's your older sister... it's your duty to..."
"To follow her?" She snapped. "Why should I? After all they've put my mother through. I'll never follow that whore."
"Shiyomi! How can you say such things about your own sister?"
"She's not my sister. She'll never be. Sisters don't let their father treat their younger sister like what father made me go through. I was never enough. No matter how much I excelled in everything he ever ordered me to do. I'm his flesh and blood, yet he loves Megumi only, who is good for nothing, other than baring children for her illicit relationship."
Her pretty face twisted into something evil. "That taught him a lesson didn't it? His precious girl, pregnant before marriage. She's ruined the family name."
She clenched her jaw tight and panted heavily, venting out her anger and frustration. For several moments she angrily stared down at the ground. Her heavy breathing started calming down.
"Shiyomi…" he didn't know what to do about this emotionally screwed up naked girl on the floor of his office. It's clear that she's been hurting like this for a long time. If only Rangiku was here, she would know what to say.
She continued with her bickering. "I'm glad I seduced Ryu… now she's left unwed and pregnant. I made sure she finds out about the affair in the worst way possible, walking in on us. Father was ready to make that useless man his son in law... I couldn't let that happen... I couldn't sleep thinking Megumi getting away with all that she's done and still gets her happy ending. But…"
Her burning eyes were suddenly a waterfall of tears, pouring down her flushed cheeks she hid under her palms, "... but… every time… every time… he came inside me... he called out for her... Megumi... Megumi... Megumi... he didn't even realise what he was doing… " She started sobbing, her body was shuddering as she clutched the yukata around her tight.
"Did you love him?" He couldn't believe he's talking to one of his students about her love life.
She wordlessly continued weeping under her palms. A pained expression played across his face as he studied her.
"He... he... went back... to her..." she sobbed out, "even after Megumi told him to get lost... he begged and cried. When she refused again, it was me. As if I was no more than a substitute, to keep his bed warm. That was all I was to him, even when I gave him everything. That bastard!" her body was quivered helplessly.
"I'm sorry you had to experience that Shiyomi." He hesitantly, awkwardly sat down next to her and patted her head. She slumped down and continued weeping.
After a moment she pulled away and wiped her face dry.
"Are you okay?" He asked. She nodded. "I'll take you home."
She watched him cautiously. "Why?"
"It's late and you I don't want you going home like this, alone."
"I'll be staying at the barracks today. I can't go home looking like this." She muttered, fumbling with her untidy yukata.
He sighed. He felt a little weird thinking walking past Rangiku's apartment.
"Let's go" he opened the door for her.
She took a moment to gather herself before nodding in agreement.
They walk silently for a moment.
He understood that whatever she was trying to do with him, was nothing more than an act of desperation. He knows. He did the same thing when he couldn't deal with his own feelings of rejection and guilt.
"Why are you being nice to me? After what I've just pulled." she asked him.
"I'm your teacher Shiyomi. And I understand you were just acting out." he looked at her sideways. "if you need any help regarding anything, I mean anything, even if it's about your father or your sister, you shouldn't hesitate to ask me."
She sighed. "I've overheard my father and few of the Okura family council members tonight. They were planning to ask you to marry my sister, to save our family reputation. To shut those blackmailers up."
She looked at him guiltily. "I'm sorry I got you into this mess."
"So that is the reason behind all the charade just then."
She blushed awkwardly. "I know it was embarrassing. I just hope one day you'll forgive my impudence." He was amazed at the how her personality did this complete flip. There is absolutely no resemblance to the Shiyomi who tried to seduce him and the Shiyomi who is humbly walking next to him.
He continued his silent stroll next to her, feeling somewhat relieved. At least he won't have to deal with a love sick young girl. He would hate to lose an excellent student like Shiyomi.
"I just couldn't accept Megumi being rewarded with yet another desirable marriage prospect for doing the wrong thing. The anger made me lose my focus." She muttered.
He let out a deep sigh. He is her teacher and her captain; he wanted to help the girl. If it was Rangiku, she would know what to do.
A quiet moment past between them.
"I would like to help you Shiyomi but I'm not sure how. Maybe Rangiku would know…" he paused for a moment. "Listen, the best way to let go of this is to raise yourself above it. You're a shinigami and a talented one at that. You don't need to be looking after family dramas and businesses. You have better things to worry about."
She looked lost in thoughts as a silent moment passed by. "Taichou. I'm really sorry. For all that."
He shrugged. For some reason, it didn't seem to matter much what Shiyomi did. At least now he knows for sure and ready to accept that no matter who he's with, he'll always want Rangiku. All his attempts at forgetting her didn't work so far, and he doesn't think it ever will.
"And you should tell Matsumoto Fukutaichou about your feelings. I'm sure she'd be happy." She interrupted his pondering. He looked directly at her face.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well for starters she wouldn't have to watch you like a stalker from far anymore."
"Huh?"
"Didn't you notice her gaping at you during our training today?"
"No."
"Well I did." she smiled a little. "She was perched on the rooftop, watching you train us. And as soon as you had your hands on me, she ran off. I say she was jealous."
"Jealous?" he wasn't sure what she's trying to say but a little beacon of hope just went off inside his chest.
"Mmhm" she nodded. "She did looked like she was about to punch someone on the face."
He stopped on track. Rangiku was jealous of Shiyomi. Is that why she was upset when she thought he didn't love her.
"Do you… love her?" Shiyomi suddenly asked hesitantly.
He felt uncomfortable discussing such things with his young student.
"I don't want to discuss that with you Shiyomi."
Shiyomi rolled her eyes, "oh come on. I've practically spilled my guts in front of you."
He puffed out a deep sigh. She understood the meaning of it instantly.
"Just tell me one thing, why were you sleeping around with different girls if you have feelings for Matsumoto fukutaichou? Did she break your heart?"
"Shiyomi I'm really not comfortable discussing this with my pupil."
"Oh come on Taichou. I practically had my…" she stopped awkwardly. "Oh well if you don't want to talk about it, than that's it. But from where I see it, you should at least tell her how you feel instead of sleeping around with different girls. That's the stupidest way catch someone's attention…"
"I've stopped doing that since…" he suddenly blurted out.
"Wow!" she almost whistled. "You've slept with her!"
He felt suddenly exposed. This girl is dangerous.
"I'm guessing it didn't end well?" She smirked.
"Shiyomi, I don't want to talk about this."
"Hmm. Taichou, that's more the reason why you should tell her how you feel. Otherwise whatever problem you are going through with her will only become worse."
He looked lost in his own thoughts at that. She watched him through the corner of her eyes. "You know I can just walk the rest of the way on my own. And the lieutenant's quarters are not that far from here." She grinned suggestively.
He was lost in his own thoughts. "I'll walk you to the barracks."
"Are you going to talk to her about it?"
He strolled silently.
"Taichou. It's really hard to find someone worth falling in love with. I know that." She played with her long blonde hair. "If I were you, I would've fought for this with everything I had. If I knew there was the slightest chance… Ryu never cared for me… I was nothing more than a …"
"Shiyomi." A pain expressed appeared on his face. "You're so young. You have a whole life ahead of you. I can bet anything that you'll forget about that useless jerk and find a suitable boy for you." he scratched his head. "Just don't try to seduce your sister's husband or fiancés."
She giggled. "Maybe you're right. I should stop caring about my father and my sister. I have better things to worry about the petty family squabbles."
They arrived at the barracks and the warden opened the main door that was locked. She let Shiyomi in when Toshiro said she was working late with him.
"Be on time for training tomorrow."
Before she could pass her goodbyes, he disappeared with a flash step.
A sad smile played across her face before she closed the gate.
…
Toshiro turned around at the door and found Rangiku still with her back towards him. He spoke from the door.
"I didn't sleep with Shiyomi. I couldn't be with anyone since… since you've come back. Since before you came back. Why did you think I went to the living realm to bring you back? Rangiku, you are the only woman I want to be with… in that way and more… the only one I've ever wanted…" he sighed. "I thought you should know this before you decide to leave. No matter how many times… whoever I'm with… I only see your face…"
He thought her body shuddered.
"I've only ever loved you…" he muttered with his hand on the door, ready to close it behind him.
"You don't have to love me back. But, please. Don't leave."
...
Okay, I know, too much Shiyomi not enough Toshiro Rangiku. Boring chapter. But I just had to explain why Shiyomi's the way she is. OCDness. Well that's me. I also can't let the bad guy stay bad until the end. Now, off to make Rangiku accept Toshiro's love. Fun, fun, fun. Let me know what you think.
