Guess I arrived earlier that I thought I would. When I entered the classroom there were only two other kids there, both half asleep in their chairs. I got to mine and tried to imitate them, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to take a nap. Those chairs were awfully rigid. It had nothing to do with the fact that my heart was beating furiously and threatened to go up my throat in anticipation by the mere thought of seeing Chloe after Friday's "incident". Nope, nothing to do with that.
Finally, I decided to doodle in my notebook so time would go by faster. So that's what I did, I drew little patterns in my notebook feeling lame as hell. It kept me distracted enough though, next thing I knew the class was full and the teacher was about to start his lecture. Everyone was in their seats trying to finally end whatever they were doing and start paying attention to our boring teacher. Everyone, except the girl that usually sat in front of me, her seat vacant. I felt my head heavy and about to choke with my tongue. She was so disgusted by me that she decided she would avoid school altogether? Did she hate me? I mean, I guess it was a plausible turn of events if she didn't like like me, but I was pretty sure that she enjoyed being my friend, why would she put up with my shitty company if she didn't?
My train of thought was interrupted by the door. I looked up and I saw her looking flustered crossing the threshold. She apologized quietly looking at her feet, her cheeks red and her breath uneven. I observed her for a while. The teacher told her it was okay even though he wouldn't like it to be a normal occurrence, at which she promised it wouldn't. Her eyes were oddly puffy, and her face had an expression of total despair, I felt the sudden urge to hug her and run my fingers through her hair. I cringed. Why did it affect me so much if she was feeling down? Whatever had her like that probably wasn't a big deal and she was just throwing a tantrum.
As she walked to her seat she looked up and our eyes crossed. She smiled weakly at me and waved her hand a little. I didn't do anything; I just stared for three seconds at her before looking down at my notebook blatantly ignoring her greeting. I certainly wasn't in the mood for anything. I didn't see her reaction at my rudeness, and frankly I wasn't that interested at the moment. I sensed her sitting in front of me but still I didn't look up. I heard the teacher start his class and even then my eyes were glued to the doodled page in my notebook. I was just in trance, I felt numb. Not even the realization that two small drops of water had fell on those awful drawings did something to wake me up.
xoxo
I avoided Jesse during break. Well, everyone basically. I didn't want to hold a meaningless conversation with anyone while I was feeling so shitty. So I decided to do something very pathetic and hide myself in the girl's bathroom. I wasn't going to have lunch anyways, anything that entered my mouth had a high possibility of being expelled in the next couple of seconds, and my stomach wasn't feeling keen on receiving anything. I picked a very particular restroom, its location making it always empty; no one really went there except maybe to take a quiet shit.
I just entered a stall and closed the door. Lame. Lame. Lame. Still I wouldn't stand to face anyone, nor the chance of talking to Chloe. So I just sat there drowning in my misery. Then I heard the sound of the door opening and steps. I winced; I didn't want to hear how some kid took a dump comfortably. I was about to hold my breath when I realized no stall had opened and I was almost the one taking a shit when I heard her voice in a muffled cry.
-I just can't believe it; I can't believe they are going to make me Bree. - I could imagine perfectly her tears on her cheeks and I shivered. I really didn't like when someone cried, but now, hearing her, I thought I maybe would start crying to.
-They just want what's best for you, it sucks I guess, but I don't understand why this is such a big deal Chloe.- Aubrey spoke with a bit of confusion in her voice.
-You don't? What about our friendship? I will never see you again! - She squealed dramatically. My brows furrowed in disconcert.
"Okay, what the hell is going on here?"
-Oh come on Chloe! We are still going to be friends! You are changing schools, not dying. -
She might as well have said that. She was changing schools? Why? Was I never going to see her again? I suddenly felt sick, I knew me and Chloe weren't anything, but still, the fact that I was able to see her everyday made my life much better. I wasn't really sure how I felt about her just leaving my life after everything that had happened. My head started to spin, and my hands to sweat. Who was I kidding? I didn't want her to leave. I would never want her to leave, what I felt for her was way too strong for me to just let her go, tears started to cloud my sight and my brain warned my mouth from letting out the whimper that my throat wanted so desperately to make. I was officially about to start crying when her voice stopped me.
-It won't be the same Bree and you know it! I don't know why my parents don't let me have a say in this. - She sobbed much more quietly.
-Ok, ok, we won't see each other every day but I will see you on weekends, by the way you are talking, people would think your new school is in China. That private school you are going to be attending is a 10 minute drive from here. – Aubrey tried to reason.
I let out a breath that I've been holding for a few moments. My heart was back in my chest and not on my throat. I was feeling much better when the blonde witch said that. So, ok, I wouldn't listen to her girly rants or see her melting smile everyday, but still, it would be possible to see her.
-But we won't be able to hang out as much as we want before that, my parents are taking me to Atlanta for the whole Christmas break. I won't see you in such a long time. - Chloe sniffed morosely.
That really upset my stomach. The whole Christmas break? Was she shitting me? That was a month. A fucking month! I wouldn't be able to see her and make everything right! It was amazing how a few minutes before I hadn't wanted to talk to her at all and suddenly after hearing their conversation I was not going to let her go on Christmas break for a whole month with things awkward between us.
-It's just a month Chloe. - Aubrey whispered concerned.
-Might as well be a year. - The redhead answered in sorrowful mumble.
-Are you sure this is why you are like this? Did something else happen? - Her voice was edged with discreet curiosity.
She knew something was up. Was she right? Would it have anything to do with our little "incident"?
The silence after that was deafening, I think no one said anything for a whole minute. I was holding my breath, as if my breathing would distract me for hearing whatever answer she would give. Was she about to spill her guts about what had happened? Would she dare? What surprised me the most in that moment was that I didn't really care if she told Aubrey about our kiss, I actually wanted her to do it so I would know what she had thought about it.
-No, nothing. - She replied after a while in a firm voice.
-It is okay if you don't want to talk about it. - Aubrey remarked in a soft voice and Chloe just looked at the floor.
The two remained silent for a couple of minutes and then I heard their steps getting further from me, finally I noticed the door opening, which meant they had left.
An uncomfortable and annoying silence invaded the room as I organized my ideas and realized exactly what I needed to do.
"Fuck"
After the break I went back to class, but didn't quite listen to anything that was being lectured. I just sat there on my chair while staring at the red locks in front of me. The third world war was being held in my head. I was battling myself over whether I should talk or not to Chloe, I mean I knew I should, but I was a very big coward, I didn't even know how to approach her after avoiding her the whole day. Should I start by apologizing? Should I even apologize? Should I act like nothing had happened? Or should I just confront her about the kiss? My head was a mess with whirling ideas. It didn't help that I wanted to reach to her and grab her hand in support. I was losing my mind. I was insane, mental, unbalanced. I was crazy and it was all Chloe's fault.
When class was finally dismissed I saw her packing her stuff a bit clumsily, I was looking intently at my notebook so I could avoid looking at her like the coward I was. At the same time I was coaching myself mentally.
"Come on, you can do it, just say hi".
I was worried I may become a blabbering mess after saying the first word. I started fidgeting with my sweaty hands and I could feel my breathing getting erratic. I was losing control and I hadn't even looked up to see her. Finally I decided to grow some balls.
"Fuck it"
I looked up to see her back while she was getting her stuff together. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to talk.
-Miss Beale? Could we speak for a second? - We both turned to see the source of the voice to find our math teacher, Mr. Bishop, addressing Chloe.
She nodded swiftly, grabbed her things and walked to the desk so they could talk.
I sighed disappointed but maybe I could take a little more time than usual gathering my stuff so I could wait for her and we could talk.
-Mr. Brandon, can you come here too? - Mr. Bishop motioned to a blonde kid to approach him. What was going on? What did Luke Brandon have anything to do with my Chloe?
Luke Brandon wasn't that bad actually, he was a cool kid, even though sometimes he could be a bit full of himself, me and him, while not being friends, got along pretty well. He played basketball and sometimes joined me and Jesse in the court. He was pretty good too. He was also what any mother that I've met would call a "handsome little gentleman", because as much as I hated to admit it, he was. He was very well-spoken and polite, and he had a pretty face to be honest. I shivered at how awful was to actually grant that.
Both Chloe and Luke got to the desk and I started to pack my things very slowly while eavesdropping as discreetly as I could.
-Miss Beale, I hope you are already acquainted with Mr. Brandon.-
Chloe turned to the boy smiled a bit and nodded. What the fuck was just that? Since when did they acknowledge each other's existence, let alone talk to each other? Luke smiled back too and I wondered how his face would look against the pavement.
-Well, Mr. Brandon has been having some trouble in math, and you are excelling this class. You are definitely quite studious. I admire that Miss Beale. You see, Mr. Brandon is going to be having a test this Friday, just before the break, so would you please be so kind to revise with him some of the material? I wouldn't ask you this if it wasn't absolutely necessary and didn't think you were more than capable to do it.- Mr. Bishop talked quietly, enough for me to concentrate extra hard so I could hear what he was saying.
Tutoring? Chloe tutoring Luke Brandon? Why did it have to be her? I knew she was very smart and I also knew that Luke was a complete idiot, but still, there were a lot more kids in the class that were doing fairly well. I growled. Instantly I looked around a bit embarrassed to see if someone had heard me, then I realized that the only people in the room were the teacher, Chloe, Luke, and Jesse who was waiting for me by the door.
"Fucking hell"
He wanted to know what was wrong with me, and why I had disappeared during our break, I was certain that was it.
-Of course, I will do it gladly Mr. Bishop. - Chloe smiled kindly.
As if it wasn't bad enough to accept tutoring that disgusting prick (I wasn't stupid to think that she would say no, that would be just rude and she was the kindest girl I've ever met), but why did she have to say "gladly"? Did she like him or something? Was that the reason the "incident" hadn't happened as I wanted it? Crap, what if she did like him? What if everything that I've been feeling around her she was feeling around Luke NOT me? I was so distracted with my musings I didn't notice the teacher dismissing them and leaving, I didn't even realize it until I heard Chloe's laugh.
I turned around cautiously to see them. She was smiling at whatever the hell that stupid Brandon bastard had said. I could feel my blood boil and a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could see her eyes shining with amusement at him. I wanted to beat him up, badly. For no apparent reason whatsoever. I wanted to knock those ugly teeth from that disgusting smirk. I was actually about to make a scene when I felt someone grabbing my forearm.
I looked up and saw Jesse's worried eyes. I felt bad. I had kept him in the dark for so long and he was obviously concerned about whatever the hell was happening to me. I couldn't blame him really. But that wasn't the moment for me to bare my soul and confess everything to him. So before I could do something stupid about the rage I was feeling I pulled my arm back, grabbed my stuff, and left.
I could feel his uneasy eyes on the back of my head but I didn't stop until I reached the door. I turned back for a second and glanced a Chloe who was still talking to Luke and didn't acknowledge my presence, I felt a pang of something sharp stabbing my belly, the most uncomfortable feeling ever took over, I couldn't help it, seeing them like that, it made me feel nauseous. So I just left, knowing that what I was feeling was what they call jealousy.
xoxo
Things didn't get better throughout the week. I was still depressed and very pissed. Jesse tried talking to me a couple of times, asking me about my sulking, but still I wouldn't open up about it and would brush him off with lame excuses about being very tired and how I just wanted the week to be over so we could get to our Christmas break. Which was very different from the truth. I didn't want the break to arrive because that would mean saying bye to Chloe, she would be leaving for a month and then, when she would arrive back at New York she was going to change schools, so if I didn't fix things with her I would probably never see her again. And that was the most unconceivable thought ever. I didn't really want that to happen, but I was beyond pissed seeing her speaking to Luke Brandon. A part of me knew that she was doing that just because she was a nice person and that idiot needed help, but still, there was another part of me that shouted that Brandon wanted to steal her away from me.
It was a very stupid thought, He couldn't steal her away from me because I didn't "have" her, so we were playing a fair game, trying to win Chloe's affections, which I knew for a fact that he wanted because who in their right mind wouldn't? The thing that worried me the most was that I didn't know if I was still playing, nor if I ever was.
I couldn't get over how much my opinion of Luke Brandon had changed in the course of a couple of minutes. Before Chloe's accepting to tutor him I thought he wasn't that bad, I even believed he was sort of nice, now I despised him with such a force that surprised me. I was constantly insulting him in my head and throwing him death glares, sometimes he saw me, sometimes he didn't. Still he was stupid enough to not understand that I hated his repugnant guts and sometimes even waved at me. I wanted to slam my head against the wall when that happened. Why was he such an idiot? Or such a nice boy? If he was a bit more malicious or accepted the fact that he wanted to snatch my girl I would actually do something about him, at least I would kick him in the crotch with no remorse. But no, he had to be a big fool. I felt bad about detesting him so much, but he was trying to hurt me, so I couldn't let him just take Chloe without at least hating him in silence, because I was such a wimp I couldn't get the nerve to talk to Chloe after all.
Yes, I didn't approach the redhead the day after my first try. I really was a fucking chicken. I realized I wouldn't know how to handle rejection, not if it was about a possible relationship between us nor if it was about or friendship. So I decided I would save myself from the embarrassment and kept my mouth shut. This didn't help with my anxiety whenever I saw Chloe, or with the urge to erase Brandon's smirk with a punch when he was talking to her. It wasn't very healthy really.
"Get a grip man"
Those three days after Chloe had agreed to help Luke, they spent the whole day together, it was getting on my nerves, I was never going to approach her with him stuck by her side. Then, when by miracle she wasn't with him, she was with Aubrey, and I definitely wasn't going to humiliate myself in front of her. At least not willingly.
But these were all excuses. Lame ass excuses. Because Chloe approached me a couple of times. Always with a small smile and a "Hi Beca!" coming out of her perfect lips. I would just say hi back and then excused myself because I had stuff to do. As if an eleven year old prick like me would have an agenda. I didn't know what I was going to do in the next ten minutes most of the time, obviously I was pretty available. She didn't push it though, and accepted my pitiful justifications. I probably looked like a fool when I was explaining why I had to go, I couldn't even meet her eyes while talking to her, I knew I would falter in my resolution, or in the worst case scenario I would cry.
Despite me and Chloe not talking, I was desperate to know whatever she felt about our blonde and stupid classmate. I couldn't stand not knowing if she liked him or not. I wanted to know that more than knowing what had happened with us. I would stare at them on our break, talking happily with Aubrey. Sometimes I would lose grasp of reality and just gazed continuously at her. It still surprised me how perfect she was. I was still pretty much taken with her and couldn't ignore my feelings, it made me want to break something in exasperation.
Amy had tried talking to me after school on Thursday, but I was having none of it. I needed, and wanted, to be alone. So when I didn't have to be at school, I was buried in my bed, just lying there not doing much. I knew I was a pathetic little tool, but still it didn't make me want to change anything, that was until Friday anyways.
We were on our break. I sat alone on a bench watching Chloe from a far, she and Luke were talking, probably about school, in a bench just across the basketball court from where I was. I guessed that they've become sort of friends in those few days, it was annoying. Jesse had given up on getting me to talk, so he was hanging around with other boys in the basketball court, I think they were deciding how the teams were going to be formed. I envied them badly. How awesome would it be to worry about nothing more than getting your basketball team together to play and embarrass the other team? I was like that before. I was happy, my life was simple. I was into sports, concentrated in school, and even though I've never been very "friendly" towards my own friends, I could actually talk to them. Now the only thing I was worried was every stupid little thing that happened around freaking Chloe Beale.
My eyes returned to Chloe and suddenly I was full with rage. Luke Brandon had his hand in her forearm. He was touching her. My mind started to spin. He was touching her and she wasn't pushing him off, she was even smiling at him. I could actually feel the hairs in every part of my body stand up with fury. They were looking intently at each other's eyes while Luke was talking. I almost shit my pants.
Then, as soon as it had come, the moment finished and they were back to their normal selves. Kind of. At least he had pulled his hand back. Then smiling he waved at her as in goodbye and went to the court with every intention of playing with the rest of the boys.
I knew I was trying to control myself and not knock him out, but I could definitely try something else so he could feel my wrath. I jumped from the bench and got close to the field.
-Hey guys! Need another one? - Everyone turned to see me curiously. Let's say that this last week I hadn't been very social.
Jesse looked at me with concern and I just rolled my eyes at him, trying to make him understand that I was okay and he didn't have to make a big deal out of nothing. He looked doubtful but didn't say anything, he added me to his team and I almost jumped from the adrenaline rush when I found out that "idiot Brandon" was in the opposing team. I almost rubbed my hands together in anticipation. Almost.
If I said that Luke Brandon was tall, it would be an understatement. The dude was a giant. Well, compared to me at least. He was also stronger and obviously bulkier. So anyone might think that I stood no chance having a face to face encounter with him, but really I couldn't care less about it. I really really didn't like him.
When I found out he was going to play as a guard my eyes shined, never have I liked more playing as a forward. In that second I made my mission to defeat him, not really thinking about the game nor the final score. I was just longing for a sense of victory over him. Why? Probably because it felt like he had defeated me in something else.
While I was pondering deeply as of how I was going to crush him I felt a poke on my shoulder. I turned to find Jesse with a weak smile on his face. The other kids were kind of organizing themselves, no one really looking at us.
-You ok? - He asked quietly
-Why wouldn't I be? - I retorted sounding a bit harsher than I intended.
-I don't know. - He answered sincerely.
I looked away in shame. I didn't want for him to see the guilt in my eyes.
-I'm fine Jesse. Let's just play.-
I turned around and started walking to the center of the court, hearing Jesse following me. I swear I heard him sigh in exasperation. Maybe keeping quiet about the reason of my recent oddness wasn't the greatest idea. I shook my head trying to clear my mind, it wasn't the right moment. I looked ahead and saw Brandon smiling and approaching us, behind him his whole team. Lame.
-Can we do this already? - I asked sounding mildly annoying. I couldn't believe I could talk to him without uttering curse words.
-Sorry, we got a bit distracted. - He replied with a kind grin.
I really wanted to erase it from his ugly face.
"Freaking idiot"
He was bound to learn something today. You don't just mess with Beca Mitchell and expect no consequences. This dude was going to know who I was; I would make sure for it to be slow and painful. Then, as I was thinking about how I was going to crash his dreams, I felt the ball landing on my hands.
"Shit"
As quick as I could, I reacted and started dribbling as I saw one of our team rivals getting close to me. I wasn't interested in him, I just wanted Luke Brandon. I passed the ball to Jesse after advancing a little so I would make the boy think I was going to face him. Jesse caught the ball and made his way to the basket, facing Luke who wasn't going to make it easy for him. I had to admit that he was pretty good, but still he wasn't enough to face me and Jess, we were like, as Jesse said and I didn't know what the hell he meant by that, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, a pretty perfect pair. Jesse passed the ball to me again and next thing I knew Brandon was on my ass.
"Perfect"
So I did what any other victim in a situation like this would have done. I took my time with the ball. Looked at him in the eye, turned around with the ball, and played with him a bit. Provoking him so he would reach for the ball and then I would cruelly take it away from his range. He may have been bigger than me, but I was faster, more agile. After toying with his dignity for a bit I turned and did a jump shot. I obviously scored. I'm not going to lie. I enjoyed every minute of it, I really had to stop myself from doing a victory dance in front of everybody ruining my street cred, and surprisingly I controlled myself. Still I laughed a bit and high fived Jesse who looked like he had gotten a new movie. Felt pretty good even if it was really pathetic of me to be so happy about scoring a basket against this guy when he was scoring my girl, not that I knew what that meant back then.
Brightly, I turned to go back to the game when I saw her. She and Aubrey (who I really didn't see then, I mean who could see her when Chloe was sitting beside her) were watching the game. That wasn't normal; girls usually were more interested in gossip and boring crap like that than watching a basketball game. Why were they actually paying attention at us? Was she watching me? Luke maybe? I stared for a bit and we locked eyes. She smiled slowly and discreetly. It was for me.
"I knew it! She loves me!"
Then she turned to Luke Brandon and waved at him.
"What the fuck? She hates me!"
Girls couldn't get any more confusing. And why the hell was the Brandon kid waving back at her, she smiled at me first! I saw her first! I got dibbs! Didn't he respected guys unspoken laws (I knew I wasn't a guy but that was beside the point)? She was mine, MINE, what was he thinking? Then I got pissed. Mainly at him because he was the only one I could get back at immediately, not that I would really do anything mean to Chloe, the mere thought of that was outrageous. I wasn't really thinking straight and I sure admit it wasn't my finest moment.
I got back in the game with only one idea on my mind. I didn't want to score against Luke Brandon. I wanted to humiliate him, make him look like a loser, pulverize him. I was all in and this guy was going to see just who he had messed up with.
I knew I couldn't keep pulling the same tricks; Brandon would eventually catch on my tricks even if his skull was thicker than a brick. So I mixed things up I little, even went over some plays that me and Jesse used to practice before the Chloe deal. Jesse caught up on everything I wanted for him to do and I was pretty freaking proud of my friend, even thought I had no intention of ever bringing that up. It was a good game, not perfect because the opposite team did score a few baskets but we were still killing it.
The game went fairly the same, except of course for the discreet fouls I made against Luke Brandon. You know like the swift elbowing while defending, some shoulder hitting, I may have tripped him a couple of times, nothing serious. After I did all these things he would look at me confused and yes, a bit pissed, but he never said anything. I did make me feel a bit bad, that he was putting up with my childish behavior so maturely, that thought hurt me big time, I was the one looking bad, I was the one being humiliated, by myself I may add. I felt a surge of fire in my veins. Yes, I got angrier. And you know what? I made the stupidest thing I could come up with, it was like I was actually thinking about my options and considering which one would be the dumbest one. I was eleven; I was bound to fuck up.
I wanted to flaunt my basketball ability and I just ended up making a spectacle out of myself. I was attacking, dribbling and running towards Luke, my only adversary physically and mentally. I was going to face him, each of us running towards one another. I heard Jesse screaming at me that he was uncovered, to pass the ball. But it sounded muffled, my petulance making me half deaf. I couldn't concentrate on his words, just in the boy reaching for me. Just before I slammed into him I jumped. I was very aware that my height wouldn't let me do a slam dunk on my own so I did the next best thing I could, I used Luke's body as a catapult. Yep, not my brightest idea. I did get higher but not enough so my feet would not trip midair against Luke's shoulder, making me throw the ball before was the right time which provoked it to collide with force against the backboard missing the hoop, and me falling ungraciously before landing on my left arm with a thud. I heard a loud crack, a biting pain run from my wrist to my shoulder. I didn't even notice the rushing steps some kids took towards me, nor the loud yells asking if I was okay. I didn't even notice when Chloe kneeled beside me to check if I was breathing. I started to cry before that. Yep, a full tantrum. I broke my arm, spent the first ten seconds in shock before I began my wailing. When I saw her, behind my tears, her words of worry muted by my sobs I couldn't but feel ashamed. I was a loser, such a big loser. Why would she want to be me with me? Why would anyone really? How everything did come to this? Suddenly I felt a hand stroking my hair soothingly. Chloe was looking at me with worry, her fingers in my head. The surprise almost stopped my crying. Almost. Then I saw Luke kneeling beside Chloe asking me something his eyes worried. I felt embarrassed again. How could I try to humiliate this boy? He really did nothing bad, at least not that I knew off, and at the end, the one humiliated turned out to be me. It was the worst day of my life, my arm hurting like a bitch, looking like a loser, and just being heavily humiliated, all in front of my girl. My pain was bigger than my embarrassment and I continued to moan like a baby until I passed out. This didn't take more than one minute. Yep, darkness.
A/N: Almost there people! Just two more chapters! Cheers!
