Pain Fades But Scars Don't
Chapter 11
The Things I Tried To Hide
Magnus
I don't know how to feel. This all seems so familiar to me, far too familiar. It's a part of me I left behind a long time ago. A part I never wanted to relive or share. Watching Y/N, seeing how similar our situations are kills me. I don't know what to say to her. It can't be the usual 'I know what you're going through crap.' That never works. It has to get through to her. I HAVE to get through to her. I couldn't live with myself if she got her wish granted.
Seeing her so lifeless when she was lying on her bed, surrounded by all that blood…it was one of the worst things I had ever seen. A moment popped into my head, a moment that I hadn't thought of in years. It was when I had decided that I no longer mattered and should end everything. The moment Camille had saved me. Told me how special and important I was, and proved it to me…that's what I have to do! I have to prove it to her. I will show her just how amazing she truly is. How we all need her, because we really do.
Alec
I couldn't help but feel a sense of panic hit me in the chest when I didn't see Magnus as I turned the corner. My eyes scanned the room seeing him on the balcony in the distance. I walked towards him staying quiet because there was just something about Magnus unaware that made me so happy and comfortable. Like I was falling in love with him all over again. Of course this time I noticed the hints of sadness that flickered through his eyes. The stoic expression his lips help. He was in deep thought and his thoughts weren't pleasant ones. I stayed a little out of view watching the way his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes lit up as he realized something.
"Hey." I said coming out of my hiding place. He looked up at me the light brightening in his eyes in a way that made my heart tighten in the cringeiest way possible.
"Hey, how long have you been there?" I shrugged smiling embarrassedly at being caught. Magnus smiled at me with that oh so gentle smile.
"Not long. What are you thinking about? Any ideas on what you're going to say to her?" He nodded looking back towards the city as he leaned on the rail. I joined him wanting to give him as much comfort as possible.
"I never told you about that part of my life. I want you to know that it wasn't because I didn't trust you…it's just…it's easier for me to move on rather than talk and think about those parts. It may not be healthy, but I've never really been that mentally sound. I've gotten better I promise you that Alexander, but I was just so scared that if I talked about my past that I would only repeat it." I nodded waiting for him to look at me before responding.
"I get it. I think I kind of do the same thing. I'm not mad at you, I want you to know that. I just wish that neither of you had to feel this way." He sighed smiling bitterly as he looked from me to the city below.
"Me too." There was a quiet moment before he spoke again.
"Do you want me to tell you about it?"
"Of course, but only if you want to." His bitter smile stayed as he continued to look out at the view.
"I don't think I'll ever be comfortable talking about it, but I think it would be good for me to let it go. I don't want to keep anything from you. You deserve to know." I nodded smiling encouragingly at him before waiting.
"The first time I ever hurt myself intentionally was when I was ten. My Mama had been dead for two years and what she had done was really starting to dawn on me. I finally understood what suicide was and why she did what she did. I had never wanted to believe my step father when he said that she didn't love me, but I began to understand that they may have been the truth. It began to occur to me in those years that how would anyone ever care about me or love me if my own mother couldn't even live with me. I began to cut myself each time one of these thoughts came up, or any time I was called a name. I didn't want my grandparents to know though so I just became known as clumsy as anytime I was in the kitchen my finger was always cut by the knife or I was burned by the fire. No one batted an eye. I could get away with so much. It wasn't until one day when I was fourteen that anyone had ever caught me. My grandparents had been at a party that I had asked to skip because I hated parties. I had cut a little too deep and had gotten dizzy, I didn't hear my grandma coming into the house until she was in front of me yelling my name. She stitched me up using her magic, which I was shocked to find that she had. She told me she had never shown my mom because she was close minded, but she knew I was special. Something about that hit me. She didn't yell at me, she wasn't mad or upset. She simply told me I was special and amazing and that was all it took for me to feel better. She did keep me under close watch. I didn't hurt myself again for many years. My Grandma and I stayed very close into my adult years. It wasn't until I was standing in front of her grave that those thoughts came back to me….I went down a really bad spiral. Alec, I had never felt so lost in my life. My Grandma was my everything. I just felt all of those insecurities come hitting me again, the feeling of never being loved, of never having what truly mattered to me-a family.- Nothing changed for a really long time. I just kept going lower and lower. If I wasn't able to use my magic I wouldn't have had any part of my body that didn't have scars. Alec I finally had enough, what Y/N was talking about in there. That was exactly what I was feeling. I understood her to a t. And it terrified me, because when I got to that point…it was over for me. I had it all planned Alec. I was standing on top of a bridge when Camille found me. Alec no matter what that women has done, no matter how much you don't like her, because I know you don't, but Alec she saved me. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be here."
Magnus Pov
When I looked back to the man I had come to love so much it broke my heart. I had never wanted him to see this part of me, but I had learned a long time ago not to keep things from him. He always knew. He didn't care how ugly I ever was. He only ever loved me. Seeing him now though, seeing how much he wished he could be there, even when he had no control over it. I couldn't take it. "Hey, come here." I pulled him in for probably the tightest hug I had ever given anyone, not able to take his sadness, especially not sadness I had caused. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-
"What are you apologizing for?" He looked as confused as I felt.
"I made you sad. My story made you sad."
"I mean of course it did, I love you. I never want you to be in pain, but don't think for one second that any of that is your fault." I looked at him, really looked at him not wanting him to say things just to make me feel better.
"You mean that?" He looked almost angry.
"OF course! Magnus what happened with your mom was not your fault. You have magic, so what! It's what makes you beautiful. I have said it before and I will tell you before and I will tell you everyday as long as I live if it means you will believe it and never feel that way again." His words brought the largest smile to my face. I don't remember ever feeling more loved.
Alec's Pov
I watched as that beautiful smile formed on Magnus's face, warming my heart in the process. There was no way I would ever stop loving the man in front of me. "I love you so much."
"I love you too." I kissed him, trying to convey all of the love in the world into that kiss. "Hey Magnus, promise me you will tell me if things ever get that bad." It brought a small smile to his face, him remembering the same thing has had made me promise just a few months ago.
"Of course. For you I would do anything." As I held him in my arms I truly believed him. I knew we would be okay, I could only hope the same for Y/N.
