PART IV – YOU.
Even if disaster strikes, I close my eyes and then I'm next to you.
"Here you go, Merlin," Kendall said soothingly, scratching the back of the cat's neck as he placed the bowl of milk on the floor. Merlin normally didn't drink milk; Kendall tended to save it for himself, and Merlin didn't even want it much. But now Kendall figured he could do with something extra. Merlin only stretched off his new bed far enough to place his two front paws on the floor, lapping up the drink. He wasn't interested in moving much. Kendall had worked all day after taking Merlin home, leaving him sleeping in the apartment.
Kendall heard a knock on his apartment door and got up, walking over and opening it up. Ronnie, the doorman, was standing there, arms folded and looking bored. There was a food stain on his shirt, like always. "Somebody called," he said in that monotone voice, handing over a crumpled yellow notepad page. "Here."
"Thanks, Ron," Kendall replied, giving him a friendly smile as he took the page. Ronnie left without another word. Maybe to go watch porn in his office, who knew?
Unfolding the page, Kendall looked down at the details scribbled down in Ronnie's untidy and jagged handwriting. Cleaning bathroom. 1pm today. Get lift outside. There was no address on the paper. He tossed it down onto the counter and glanced at the clock he'd propped against the wall on the counter months ago. Almost noon. He busied himself with getting ready, leaving Merlin with a bit of food to eat if he felt up to it. "I'll be back soon," he promised, pecking him on the head. "See you soon."
He waited outside the front door of the building, tote bag on his shoulder as always. People were passing, but he was the only person standing here and waiting. So when a car pulled up and the window rolled down, the two men in the car immediately knew who he was. "You're Kendall, right?" a Hispanic man called out from the passenger seat. "Get in," he added when Kendall nodded.
Kendall sat in the back seat, buckling his seatbelt and smiling in greeting at the both of them when they turned and grinned at him. "We're not axe murderers, promise," the driver joked. "Our place is just kind of far and out of the way, so we figured it'd be easier to just take you there."
"That's okay," Kendall replied. "Thanks."
As the stranger drove, Kendall sat back and focused his attention out the window. He let his mind wander about, so that instead of seeing the passing buildings and trees and streets, he saw summer. He would've loved to see James teaching kids water sports, with his shirt off. What a nice image. Maybe afterwards they could spend time at the lake together, just the two of them . . .
"Okay, we're here!"
Fuck no. No more of that image.
Kendall looked up, and his jaw dropped. The driver was steering the car in towards the sidewalk to park it in a housing estate. The houses were all big, with large front gardens and pretty fences and perfectly shovelled paths. Mayfield. "You live here? B-but I could've walked here, you must've made a mistake . . ." Of course, the logic which normally would've told him that of course they hadn't made a mistake since they lived here, was nowhere in sight. All he could see was Number 16, which they were parking in front of right now. He felt sick.
The man behind the wheel stopped the car, turning around and grinning at Kendall, as did the other. "Nope. There's no mistake. This is definitely the place."
Kendall looked out the window again, sighing as he eyed the familiar front lawn of James' house. He may only have seen it once, but the memory was clear and fresh in his mind. His car was parked in the driveway, some shrivelled up leaves scattered on the ground and on the steps leading up to his shiny big black front door, along with clumps of snow. He slumped back in his seat, puffing his cheeks and sighing before leaning forward again and glancing at the houses leading further along the street. "So, do you live next door?"
"No, no," the man in the passenger seat shook his head quickly, chuckling. "God, if I lived in a place like this I wouldn't have bothered going to college. However, our best friend in the whole wide world and universe lives in that house right there." He pointed.
"And he's really, really sorry," the driver added, giving Kendall a concerned look. "And he wants to explain himself."
Kendall looked up at the house again. He gave a weak laugh, turning to the two men in the front seats with raised eyebrows. "Carlos and Logan," he stated, clamping his lips together for a second in a grim smile. "We meet at last."
"And you must be Kendall," the driver teased, holding out a hand. "Logan Mitchell at your service."
Kendall shook his hand reluctantly, staring hard at the both of them. "So you tricked me into coming here?" Kendall said, folding his arms. "Why?"
"Because," Carlos said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "You've got to take James back! He wants to say everything he's failed to tell you before. As cheesy as it sounds."
"And what if I don't want to listen?" Kendall snapped, yanking at the handle of the door and growling in frustration. "What if I say no? Let me out of this car!" He tugged and pulled on the handle, but the door wouldn't budge. He groaned. "Let me out!"
"I can't do that," Logan replied firmly, suddenly reaching forward and grasping one of Kendall's writhing hands. "Because, Kendall, James is so crazy about you."
Kendall stopped, eyes widening. All at once his heart sped up, his cheeks grew warm and he had to resist the urge to smile like a lovestruck idiot. He managed to do so. "More like crazy in general," he scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Look, what happened between us, it didn't mean anything. It was a fling, a mistake. That's all it was."
"Do you really believe that?" Carlos pressed. "Look, we know how much you mean to James. We've seen it; he misses you like crazy, and he knows he's made a mistake. Why can't you at least give him a chance to explain?"
"Because of Shay," Kendall snapped. "Alright? Sure he might be 'crazy about me' or whatever, but it doesn't matter if Shay is around. Not only because one of us is always going to be the third wheel. It just keeps reminding me that I'm not what James wants. Shay is. Otherwise he wouldn't even be there . . ." Kendall trailed off, looking out the opposite window at the street. He bit his lip hard, telling himself firmly that if he cried now, he'd never forgive himself.
"Kendall, James called the ACC," Carlos said gently. "He told them that he doesn't want Shay anymore. They're open again today and they'll be getting back to him with a refund date, but the point is that he's only interested in you now. Even if you don't take him back, Shay's going to be gone and he'll be alone again."
"I . . " That should have been enough for him. But he still needed answers, and persisted with, "But we're so different."
Logan rolled his eyes. "So what? Carlos and I are like chalk and cheese. I'm a med student, he finger paints with noisy little kids all day, and acts like one too. He obsessively plays video games and I obsessively read science novels. And we've been together for two years." Carlos reached and took Logan's hand, grinning at him. Kendall had to resist the urge to smile endearingly at them; he tried to recall a time when he'd ever seen two people as in love as they were. "And anyway," Logan continued. "Opposites attract."
"Point taken . . ." He was blabbering on before he could stop himself. "But he can never make his own choices. He always does stupid things like talk about Shay when he's with me and even if he's getting rid of him, he's still got all those issues and it makes me so mad and—"
Carlos cut him off. "Kendall, now you're just looking for excuses." He quirked an eyebrow at him. "Come on, cut the guy some slack. He's been in love plenty of times before, and he's lost it every time. But it's never been like this."
"How do you know?"
"Because he didn't give up," Carlos replied simply. "It's real this time and not just him whining and pining over the rom com romances he hallucinated having."
Kendall had to chuckle at that.
"We get that he made you mad, a lot," Logan continued for Carlos. "But if you do love him, and trust me, I'm not stupid and can see that you do, you won't be able to stay mad at him for long. I can already see your resistance crumbling." Logan smirked. "Trust me, no matter how hard you try. And nobody on this entire planet has tried harder than we have."
Kendall was now just wondering where on earth James had found amazing friends like these. Wherever it was, he needed to take a trip there. Pronto.
"Look, Kendall, the bottom line is that you and James belong together," Carlos said at last, his tone making it clear that this conversation was almost over. "You love each other, and you'll regret it if you don't give him another chance. You know you will."
Kendall glanced back out the window again, up at the house where he'd danced around the kitchen with an idiot that really, he did love. And it was so stupid of him, but he couldn't help it. He stared hard at each of the windows in turn, unable to see anyone but still wondering if James was there, hiding and watching them and speculating how much progress had been made. Kendall wanted to give a thumbs up so he could see, if he was there. But he figured that would be stupid. These things were better said than kept quiet. If he'd made his boundaries clear much further back, then maybe he wouldn't be sitting here right now. Maybe he'd be alone, or maybe James would even be with him. But the point was, he hadn't said anything and the whole thing had just blown up in their faces.
"You can unlock the door now," Kendall said softly, gripping the handle and wishing his fingers would stop shaking. "I'm going to go inside."
Logan and Carlos glanced at each other, before Logan looked at Kendall, nodded, and pressed a button on his own door. Kendall opened the door and got out, shutting it firmly behind him. "You can just walk right in," Carlos told him, leaning out of the passenger seat window. "He'll show up in about a millisecond once you cross that threshold."
"You'd better be nice to him," Logan added sternly.
"Don't worry, really." Kendall glanced back up at the house, heart fluttering a little in his chest. "I can handle it."
Taking a deep breath, Kendall took a shaky step onto the driveway. His feet tapped against the concrete, echoing in the otherwise silent suburban estate. There were no children around, no people out walking or jogging. It might have had something to do with the dark clouds gathering overhead, indicating it would probably rain soon. One hand tightly clutching onto his jacket sleeve just for something to hold onto, Kendall walked up the driveway and around James' car, taking his time going up the steps. As he reached out to grasp the door hand he had to stop, fingers hovering above it. What if it all went wrong again?
He glanced over his shoulder and saw Carlos and Logan sitting in the car, nodding at him and making shooing noises towards him. He returned their comforting smiles and turned back around. He grabbed the door handle and pushed it down, propelling the door forward and walking inside. He turned and caught one last glance of the world outside before he pushed it shut again, letting it click back into place. When he turned around. James was standing in the hallway and watching him. His hands were clasped behind his back as he swayed slightly on his feet. He looked more terrified than Kendall had ever seen him.
James felt more terrified than he'd ever been before.
There were plenty of times when James had been frightened. When his mother died. When his father left him. His first day of high school. When he turned eighteen and went to live alone in a big empty house. When he'd had his first relationship. When he'd lost his first relationship. When he'd bought Shay. When he'd met and later, lost Kendall. But somehow this topped them all. It was all he could do not to run and hide away again. This time he knew it was different. If he ran, he would blow his last chance. And this was one of the few times, in all his life, where he genuinely felt that if he blew this, he'd have nothing left.
"Carlos and Logan dropped me over," Kendall said at last, biting his lip. "I assume you asked them to?"
"Yeah, I did." James' eyes darted towards the coat rack, where he'd hung Kendall's scarf back up in place like a trophy or a photograph on a shelf. He hurried over and grabbed it, walking to Kendall and handing it to him. The sneaky part of him used this as an excuse to touch Kendall again, pushing it into his soft and white hands. "Here. I wanted to give this back to you. I figured you need it."
"I do . . . thanks." All he did was push it inside of his tote bag. James held out his hand for the bag. When Kendall slowly handed it to him, he hung it from the rack and left it there. Any barrier between them would only make this harder. "So," Kendall began again, trying to make the first move again. "I . . . I did want to talk to you the other day in town. I just didn't know how."
"So did I. But I did enjoy hearing you play."
"Thank you again, for giving me the guitar."
"It's nothing, really. I just . . ." Running a hand through his hair, James lamely added, "I wanted to make things easier for you."
"I know, and I appreciated it, really." Kendall cleared his throat. "I'm sorry I kicked you out of my apartment. I was just upset, about Merlin and about you. I really thought you were losing interest in me. Or more, that it was just for fun."
"I don't know what it was at first," James answered honestly. "I just loved spending time with you. I'm not sure when it changed." Then he suddenly remembered what Carlos had told him. "Actually, I kind of do."
"When did it?" Kendall asked.
"Remember, when we were in my kitchen and we were dancing? It was then. There was just this . . . this shock, I guess. It scared the shit out of me."
"It scared me too, when I realised how I felt." James' jaw dropped when he saw Kendall's eyes fill with tears. It seemed such an alien thing to him. "It just sucked, knowing that you had Shay here with you, a-and knowing I'm not your type. He's proof of that. I didn't want to get hurt again."
"I never wanted to hurt you," James pleaded, holding his hands. "Really. I know I kept saying stupid things and fucking up, and every time I realised it was too late to fix it."
"Look, Jay, I'm not going to come chasing after you if we're not right for each other . . ."
"You are right for me, Kendall." James tilted the blond's chin up, watching the way his bottom lip quivered slightly and his jaw clenched as he tried to hold up those walls again. But James could see right through them. As he gazed into Kendall's eyes and pleaded for him to understand, memories came flooding back to him. Their night on the roof, the first day they'd met, lying sprawled across his bed with their bodies tangling together. He had to make sure he didn't cry either. "You are so right for me. And I know you're not my type, and you're not perfect. You're reckless and frankly you can be pretty rude at times. But don't you see? I love you anyway. I love you for all of that."
Kendall's hand shot up towards his face to quickly dry away a tear that had escaped. "You mean that?" he said in a low voice, a tone of longing wonder. "You love me?"
"I do," James replied honestly, running his thumbs gently over the curves of Kendall"s cheekbones. "I'm so in love with you. You have no idea, honestly." He gave a weak laugh, shaking his head slightly as his mouth trembled. "It's crazy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you until now, I just didn't know how . . . And I guess I was scared of getting rejected again."
Kendall laughed too, almost a little hysterically as he brought both hands up to wipe at his cheeks. "I'm in love with you too. God, I hate crying. Don't look, please." He covered his face, shoulders and hands shaking. "I-I was scared of rejection too . . ." It came out muffled from behind his hands.
"Hey, it's okay." James wrapped his arms around Kendall, tugging him forward and pressing heir bodies together, feeling the blond's face and hands pressed against his chest. Immediately he felt comforted, and warmer. Resting his chin on Kendall's head, he murmured against the soft hat on his head. "You're beautiful when you cry."
"Did you seriously just say that?" Kendall demanded, glancing up at him and lowering his hands from his face. They weakly curled into fists, sandwiched between their bodies.
"I did. I probably shouldn't have, it was a bit stupid. But you're beautiful all the time, so why not now?" He offered a charming smile and a little wink, pecking the blond's nose before he had time to shove him off and scoff at the cheesiness of it, like he used to. Even if he probably realised that James knew how much he secretly adored it. "You look especially beautiful now. And you're in love with me." He laughed again, this time more of a bewildered chuckle than anything. "You're everything to me, Kendall. I don't want to lose you again."
Kendall's fingers gripped James' shirt by his collar. For a while, he had no idea how long, the blond just stared at James' shirt, like he was trying to find some kind of pattern, some change in it. Eventually he looked up again to meet James' eager gaze and said softly, a smile finally stretching shyly across his face, "You won't."
James wanted to say something else. Anything he could think of, anything he'd been hiding in his head and his heart for the past two months. It had felt like much more time than that had passed. Like he'd felt this way forever. He couldn't get any of these feelings out. So instead, his arms tightened around Kendall, and he kissed him. Finally.
He felt Kendall's hands touching his face and running through his hair as they kissed passionately and hungry, closing every space between them. Their mouths and tongues crushed together as somewhere his hand found its way looped around Kendall's scrawny shoulders. Their first kiss had been something like this, he remembered. But this time the sparks between them were great big burning fireworks, and the intensity of how much he'd missed Kendall's lips and body pressed to his amazed him and left him breathless, weak at the knees.
It happened in the space of a second. James felt something fly past his head, the wind chilling his ear. Then the smash of something made of glass hitting the wall behind him and Kendall. They jumped apart immediately. James glanced at the floor behind the blond to see a plate lying in pieces on the floor. He turned around, and saw Shay standing at the door to the kitchen. Of course, he should've realised immediately that it would be him. He doubted anyone (or anything) else had the strength to grow something that far. Hs whole stance was tensed with rage, his eyes flaring. "I told you," he said in a low voice, taking a step forward. Then another. "I told you to stay away from him!" His voice rose into a terrifying and mind-numbing scream, his teeth bared in an animal snarl. James' hand found its way to Kendall's and gripped it. Kendall held him back tightly, stepping ever so slightly back towards the front door. As James subtlety tried to follow he stepped a little in front of Kendall like a shield. This was the wrong thing to do.
"Oh look, you're touching each other again!" Shay roared, a kind of manic smile on his face now as he gave a loud satirical laugh. "How lovely! Get your hands off of him you filthy slut!"
James turned Kendall around and sprung in the direction of the front door. But he could already see that it was too far away. He felt a hand harshly grab at the back of his shirt and yank him backwards, so hard he heard the material rip from his skin. He fell flat on his back, head smacking off the floor. Kendall landed sprawled on the floor next to him, grunting in pain. But his jaw was set in anger, even though James could tell by him that he was afraid. "Shay, just calm down," he tried to say soothingly, quickly getting to his feet and tugging Kendall up with him. "Come on, we can talk this out—"
"NO!" Shay slammed his fist against the wall in frustration, cracking the plaster. "No more talking!"
He took a step forward. But it was hurried; his anger was blinding him. James truly thought the ACC's research on human emotions and the accuracy of them placed in these dolls was truly extraordinary. And terrifying.
Another step forward and Shay lunged. But then James suddenly realised that Kendall had grabbed his bag from the coat rack, and swung it with a long breath. The force of it hitting Shay in the chest knocked him flat onto his back on the floor. "Run!" James managed to gasp, grabbing Kendall's arm and sprinting away. He couldn't go back to the door, not with Shay in the way. He looked around, panicked for a place to hide. "In here!" he hissed, tugging Kendall into the music room and shutting the door, locking it. He could hear Shay screaming, looking for them and the sound of things smacking. He hurried grabbed a table and tugged it in front of the door.
"Do you really think that'll hold him?" Kendall asked in a small voice. But even in this state, he still had strength radiating from him in great waves James could feel very clearly.
"No," James replied quietly, stepping back with him and holding his hand. "I don't."
"We have to call someone," Kendall said urgently, squeezing his hand. "Carlos or Logan, or 911, or something!"
"My phone's in the living room," James hissed, quieting down when he suddenly realised Shay would be listening out for them. "And even if I did call, what good could anyone do? Hmm, I guess the fire department could spray him with a hose, maybe he'll rust!"
"Are you asking to be slapped?" Kendall snapped. "It was just an idea."
"I know." James' gripped Kendall's hand tighter. "I'm scared."
"Me too."
"Maybe we can get him to see reason, he's just upset . . ."
"No, James. I don't think we can."
Then there was a loud slam on the door. James and Kendall quickly stepped back further on instinct, even though they were already far from the door. Kendall's hand wrapped around James' arm. James' other hand reached out and clasped over his, and they waited. A hole was smashed through the wood of the door. Then the door was broken open, Shay barging through and tossing the table out of his way like it weighed nothing. His eyes fell on their intertwined arms. They quickly broke apart. Kendall hurried over and grabbed a guitar from one of the stands as Shay charged towards him, leaving James unnoticed.
But Kendall was ready for him, and swung the guitar around with all his might. For the second time his aim was perfect. It smacked against Shay's face, his head knocked to the side as he stumbled backwards and tripped over the drum kit. Kendall's chest heaved, glancing down at where the wood of the instrument had been chipped off. Then Shay turned to him again with a scream of anguish, and James froze in horror. The skin over the left side of Shay's face had been peeled away, like paint. Underneath his face shone silver. James could swear he saw a wire there, just under his lower eyelid.
He wasn't human. He never had been.
Why was this just hitting him?
Though really, it was just coming down hard to hit him. That moment of breathless impact when it really hit him, was when Shay lunged forward and his hands latched tightly around Kendall's neck, throttling him. Kendall struggled and flopped around and tried to kick him away. Shay was snarling, but smiling and laughing as his grip tightened. "I warned you, blondie—"
"Shay, STOP!" James grabbed Shay around the waist and tried to yank him off. Surprisingly he was successful, and the two of them stumbled backwards away from Kendall, who fell onto the floor gasping for breath, fingers weakly rubbing at his neck. James tripped over a fallen instrument and lost his footing. Shay grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forwards, his feet dragging off the floor. Their heights were almost level now.
James grabbed at Shay's hands and tried to pull them off. Then he tried to push him away. He couldn't do either, and just stared fearfully into the robot's face. "I-I'm sorry . . ."
"No you're not!" Shay hissed, shaking him. "You're not sorry at all! I love you, Jamie! I love you!"
You don't. James swallowed nervously. You're programmed to. You could be told to love anybody else, and with the push of a button, you would. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to say this to Shay. So he just stuttered out, "I know."
He could see Kendall sitting up a little, but before he could do anything else, Shay yanked James forward and kissed him. It only lasted a second; a brief clash of teeth and tongue. James tasted metal on his tongue before he was shoved backwards and onto the floor. Shay stood above him, reaching towards the table he'd knocked aside and breaking a leg off like it was just the width of his little finger. He stood above him, the leg of the table raised high. James could only watch him, a kind of cold numbness setting in.
He's going to kill me. He's going to kill us both.
He closed his eyes. He was sure it would just be one large, painful strike on the head, and then he would die. Then there would be no pain. This gave him a little comfort. But he had a bad feeling in his gut that he might beat Kendall to death with it. He didn't want that to happen. But what could he do?
He opened his eyes wide when he heard a clatter. He wondered if Kendall had grown something in an attempt to direct Shay's attention back to him. But no. Shay had dropped the table leg, hands still poised above his head. His eyes were wide, mouth slightly open as he stood frozen, staring blankly into space.
"What . . .?"
Then Shay's eyes closed, and he fell limp on the ground. Nothing.
James sat up, eyes locking with Kendall's from across the room. He looked astounded. Then somewhere in the silence of the house, James' phone rang. "Y-you should get that," Kendall said at last, bracing a hand against the wall as he got to his feet shakily.
So he did, jogging down the hallway into the living room and picking up his cellphone. The number wasn't saved as a contact, but it did look somewhat familiar to him. He answered and pressed the phone to his ear, watching Kendall appear in the doorway and watch him.
"Hello?"
"Is this James Diamond?" a female voice greeted.
"Yeah, it is . . ."
"This is the ACC front office! Are you alright, sir? Any injuries? Any damage to your house?"
"I-I'm fine, but one of my doors is a bit . . ." James paused. "How do you know?"
"Oh, we have sensors in all of the Lovers, didn't you know? They go completely haywire and overheat if a Lover goes rogue. It happens sometimes, unfortunately. We got the alert and deactivated him before he could do any harm!"
"Oh . . . well, thanks." James glanced over at Kendall, who raised his eyebrows and mouthed something James didn't get.
"We'll be sending someone over right away to take care of it, sir! We'll take a look at the damages too. Have a good day!" And she hung up, just like that.
James put the phone down and walked over to Kendall, knees quivering. "They deactivated him," he said.
Kendall nodded, reaching out and wrapping his hand around James' and holding it steady. "Are you okay?" he asked.
Kendall had red marks all over his neck. He still looked shaken. James should've been asking if he was okay. He tried to tell him that. But nothing came out but a strangled sob, his knees bucking beneath him as he clamped a hand over his mouth. Kendall held him as his legs gave way and he slumped onto the floor, the tears flowing down his cheeks as he choked and wept. Kendall sat against the doorframe and held James against his chest, pressing his lips to his forehead as he rocked him back and forth a little. "Shh," he murmured, running a hand through James' hair. "Shh, Jay."
He was safe. They were safe. He felt slightly empty inside, but then he felt Kendall's hand playing with his, and he felt a little more complete again.
