"My sister has a sense of humour," Tommy said as he served lunch, "she arranged for a pot of chicken soup to be left on the stove."
"I like chicken soup. They serve it to sick people for a reason you know." Barbara was touched by the gesture and baffled why Tommy would mock it. "And let's admit it; we are not exactly the healthiest couple in England at the moment."
Tommy grinned at her as he removed the crusty bread rolls from the oven. She looked quizzically at him. He understood she had probably not meant anything by it but when she had said 'couple' he had actually felt his heart somersault. "Do you have any idea how much I love...chicken soup?" It had been spontaneous and he was going to say 'you' but he did not want to pressure her. He knew she did not believe him. He needed to prove it, not just say it.
"Bad boarding school experience?"
"What?" Tommy was confused.
"Well the way you said it, I assumed you don't like it."
Tommy was searching for a way out of the messy conversation he had created. "No, I like it but we used to get it a lot at home as children and there are several more meals in that pot." Neither was a lie.
Barbara smiled at him bemused, her bowl almost empty. "Good."
After lunch Barbara had a long shower. The water washed away a lot of her tension and concern. They had talked about all sorts of things over lunch and she was enjoying being here. The more time she spent with Tommy not focused on a case the more she began to hope he really was in love with her; she could do this for a very long time. Even if he was wrong about it she doubted they could ever stop being friends. It might be awkward at first but they would get past it and that gave her enough confidence to concede that she wanted him to make love to her, even if it was only once. She needed to know what it would be like to feel his skin against hers and to have him want her. As she dressed in the most loose fitting pants and jumper she had with her she tried to suppress her yearning and convince herself she was being ridiculous. She had been in love with him for years and had been satisfied with what she had; women like her do not have happy ever afters.
When she emerged Tommy had lit the fire. It subtly changed the atmosphere of the room. It seemed to lock out everything outside the windows and make the house the focus. Barbara sat on the sofa to watch the flames. She smiled at him thinking that it was a perfect example of his thoughtfulness and caring that was tempting her to hope. The look he was giving her did nothing to divert her thoughts. It was incredibly soft leather and way too comfortable as she sank into it. She pulled up her legs and stretched out to take the pressure off her wounds. She closed her eyes in her own private fantasy. Within a few minutes she was asleep.
Tommy watched her from the chair on the other side of the fire. He wanted to go and lie with her but it would only wake her. He fetched a rug and spread it over her and returned to his chair to read, or at least pretend to read. He sat watching her sleep trying to understand why it had taken him so long to discover the true nature of his feelings. Had they wasted years or did it need to evolve to this point for a reason? He only hoped that he felt the same when he was off his anti-depressants. He believed he would but could he be certain? He had thought he had been in love before to find it was not what he had thought it would be. Was this any different? It certainly seemed to be and he desperately wanted it to be but he did not trust himself to know. He could see in her eyes she was beginning to give in to her feelings and it would shatter her if he was wrong. That was something he could not do to her and yet he was powerless to stop what was happening between them. No, he could stop it but he did not want to stop it. He was ashamed that he was nothing but a weak fool.
Barbara awoke with a start. She had been dreaming about a herd of sheep that caught fire and plunged terrified off the cliff. It was a disturbing image and she wondered if they were trying to put out the flames and live, or end their pain by dying.
"Are you okay?" Tommy was kneeling beside her and pushed some hair from her eyes.
"Sorry, I had a nightmare."
"About us?"
It was almost certainly a metaphor but there was no point in upsetting him. "No about sheep." She tried to sit up but her stomach and leg were throbbing. "I forgot to take my painkillers."
Tommy disappeared and returned with the tablets and a glass of water. "Can I get you anything else?"
"No, thank you for that."
"What do you fancy for dinner?"
"Anything but lamb! But you don't have to cook."
Tommy grinned at her and wondered if she appreciated her own sense of humour. "I do if we want to eat. Besides I like cooking if I'm not just doing it for myself."
Tommy left her to rest and when he called her for dinner she had drifted back to sleep. They talked mainly about the case as they ate; carefully avoiding what was really on their minds. Lynley had prepared something he knew Barbara would like; steak, egg and chips. He would endeavour to introduce her to more adventurous food while they were here.
"So what do you think?"
"Delicious."
"Thanks but no, about the other business. I still think I would rather a few bad days than do this over weeks. Are we up to it?"
Barbara considered it for a moment. "Yes, we are. If you're going to have an adverse reaction it will probably start tomorrow but nothing might happen." She tried to sound nonchalant and reassuring but she knew instinctively it was going to be far from easy.
Tommy nodded as he retrieved his car keys from his pocket and handed them to her. "Listen carefully please. If I become unmanageable or you feel threatened or in danger in any way I want you to take the car and get out, even if I beg you not to leave. I can't hurt you again, I simply can't."
She could tell from his eyes that he was scared. "It'll be fine. No one will get hurt."
"Promise me."
"Okay, I promise but I also promise to stick by you. We'll do this together yeah?" Tommy smiled grimly as they looked at each other.
Barbara was ordered back to the sofa to watch television while Tommy went for a shower. He came back a few minutes later shirtless and struggling to remove his bandages. "One more favour," he said, "will you help me with this please? I only had to wear them today because I was driving. Otherwise I am supposed to just rest and manage the pain."
As she slowly unwound the bandages Barbara saw the bruising and realised how much discomfort he must be in. "When you finish your shower I'll rub in some of that cream they gave me for my neck. It'll help with the bruising."
Mention of her neck reminded Tommy of his behaviour and his buoyant mood left him. "How is it?"
"Much better. Don't keep thinking about it." Barbara scolded, regretting that she had reminded him.
As he showered he wondered what was to come. He had been surprisingly calm today and it worried him. Maybe the doctor was right and he just needed time to adjust to the medication. Conversely the chance that he might lose control like that again frightened him. Hardwick had told them horror stories about suddenly stopping and at the very least he expected headaches and nausea and anxiety. He hoped he would be lucky and the symptoms might be mild but given he had had adverse reactions taking them then chances of reactions now were far higher. He did not really mind except that he would expose Barbara to it. He wanted to send her away but he knew he would never do it; he was too selfish and needed her here. She had seen the worst of him he hoped but no doubt the next few days would be testing for her. If, in a few weeks, she still loved him he would know she would love him forever. That gave him hope but also overwhelmed him. He did not deserve to have someone like her in his life.
The lights of Hastings were flickering in the distance and Havers stood at the bedroom window watching them. She could see his reflection as he came into the room. He had clearly not expected her to be there and the towel that was casually over his shoulder was hastily folded around his waist before he spoke. "Barbara! I thought you were in the lounge."
"I came in to find the cream," she said turning around and holding up the tube. She made no reference to what she had seen although it had secretly thrilled her.
He sat on the bed as she applied the cream, her strokes light and circular. The touch of her hand made him shiver and raised goose bumps. As she moved from his back to his front she sat too, their faces close. Each stroke was made slowly and carefully. It was nearly driving him mad. He had promised her everything would be platonic until he was better but if she continued to touch him like this he would have to kiss her. He closed his eyes trying to limit temptation. He was on a razor's edge between pleasure and agony.
If anything Barbara was suffering more. She knew her hands were not behaving strictly therapeutically. She was exploring the texture of his skin and his different reactions to her caresses. The acuteness of her desire and her sudden loss of restraint shocked her yet did not really surprise her. "It's inevitable isn't it?" she asked.
"What is?" His voice was husky and strained with the effort required to not react. He should have continued to struggle with the bandages without asking for help.
"That we become lovers."
Tommy felt his stomach drop away and almost groaned at the words. "Oh Barbara, I hope so! You have no idea how much I want that right now."
"Hmm, I think I do." This time she kissed him, so lightly at first that it felt like kissing silk but as their arms came around each other and the kiss deepened her whole body came alive.
Tommy reluctantly pulled away. "We have to stop here," he implored resting his forehead on hers. He was panting and his ribs dug into him with every breath. "Neither of us is up to this right now. Not to do justice to it."
"I'm sorry." Barbara felt clumsy and flustered and tried to pull away. She had never initiated anything like that before. Was it just lust? A reaction to seeing him naked? If she was this mortified just kissing him she could never do anything more.
Tommy could feel her disappointment and hugged her to him. "Don't be sorry, I'm not. You have just given me the perfect incentive to get my act together." She tried to stand but Lynley had hold of her. "No, stay with me. Just let me hold you like we did the other night. My love for you transcends the physical Barbara but when the time is right I'm going to make love to you like no ever has before and you'll understand. We won't regret waiting, I promise."
She wanted to believe him and with a sigh she nestled into his chest trying not to move her hands in any way that might seem suggestive. After a while they moved further on to the bed and lay down still cuddling. It was strangely companionable and her embarrassment receded. Sleep came quickly.
