Black Mesa should have set off several governmental alarm bells. When the most advanced Scientific facility on Earth wants to locate deep underground a remote desert, and starts constructing rooms as pointless as they are deadly, it's time for someone along the line to cut funding. But no-one did, and Black Mesa still stands today as a 'what not to do' of employee-safe workplace design.
In one of the corridors closer to the arid surface, someone was typing furiously at a computer keyboard. Specifically, he was a turtle in a technological wheelchair, wearing a blue helmet and a thick pair of glasses. "I've almost got it," he announced in a nasally voice. "How we doing, Joe?"
Behind him, a man pressed himself against a corner, popping occasionally to shoot hostile green aliens with one of his dual machine guns. His short black hair was styled into spikes, and he had a goatee. He wore a black leather jacket with white stripes down the sleeves, under which he wore a black t-shirt with a red Superman logo. "Alright, I guess," he reported. "Though there sure are a lot of these alien sons of bitches! You better hurry up!" As if to emphasise his point, he ducked his head back just in time to avoid a ball of green electricity.
A large metallic door at the end of the corridor began to creak slowly open, processing Bentley's computational demands. Outside, the sun shone blisteringly down on the catwalk that connected this corridor to another. "There! I've finally got the door open. Aang, you ready?"
Bentley was addressing a short boy, aged 12. His head was shaved bald, and was adorned with long blue tattoo in the shape of an arrow. He had identical but thinner ones on his arms and legs also. His grey eyes sparkled with a curious mixture of innocence and wisdom. His clothes were orange and yellow, and strange outfit that billowed in the air he manipulated. He flicked his long wooden staff, and two orange wings sprouted from near the top, with a orange tail near the bottom.
"Sure," he replied, "but I feel kind of bad about leaving you guys here."
"Don't worry about us, we'll be fine," reassured Bentley. "You're the only one here who can fly – for any length, anyway," he clarified, glancing down to the small rocket thrusters on the sides of his wheelchair. "If you can locate an exit from the air, we'll all get out of here that much faster."
Aang nodded confidently. He ran towards the door, jumped, and grabbed the wooden frame of the staff's wings. He bent the air under him and flew out of sight.
"How do you think he'll do?" asked Angry Joe. No sooner did he say this then he and Bentley heard Aang scream fearfully, followed by the sound of heavy gunfire. Aang flew back into the corridor. He threw aside his staff and curled into a ball. He splayed his limbs, sending air blowing fiercely in all directions. The aliens Joe had been shooting at were knocked against the walls and fell unconscious. Aang floated in the middle of the corridor, clearly agitated.
"Close the door!" he yelled at Bentley. "Closeitcloseitcloseit!"
"I can't!" protested Bentley. "It took me ten minutes to work out how to open the thing!"
A helicopter appeared in the doorway, hovering just above the catwalk. A heavy machine-gun began rotating menacingly. All three screamed and bolted behind the corner, where mercifully, the helicopter couldn't see them. As soon as they were behind cover, the helicopter's bullets began tearing holes in the wall across from them. Aang's staff was knocked forward by a few wayward bullets. He pulled it closer with a subtle Airbending motion, but the wings were damaged beyond repair. He frowned sadly at it.
Partly because the gun was terrifying them beyond rational conversation, and partly because they couldn't hear a word anyone was saying anyway, they retreated down the corridor until the noise had died down.
"Holy crap!" swore Joe. "I guess that rules out going outside. You okay, Aang?"
"Yeah," answered the Avatar. "But there's no way I'm flying on this again."
"As Joe himself said, there's not much point having it anyway now," said Bentley. "Gentlemen, while I had hoped we could leave this deathtrap, I'm afraid we'll have to resort to Plan B."
"Find Doctor Horrible and fill him full of lead?" asked Angry Joe, hefting his two MP5s enthusiastically.
"Uh... yes."
"Awesome!" smiled Joe.
Aang gave him a concerned look. "It worries me how much you enjoy violence."
"Ah, be quiet."
"I was taught that all life is sacred," protested Aang. "You can't solve everything through fighting."
"Listen, I hear you," said Joe. "But whatever brought us here wants us to fight. So," he said, cocking his rifles, "let's go fight."
##
A marine, clad in white camouflage, led two others through the lower levels of Black Mesa. Turning the corner, they met an elderly Scientist who was crouched fearfully in a corner.
"Oh thank God you've arrived!" exclaimed the Scientist, voice full of joyful hope, seconds before the marine opened fire on him with his rifle, killing him.
Ensuring he was dead, the squad continued along the corridor, eventually reaching a control room. The squad leader kicked down the door and entered hurriedly, pointing his gun at the occupants and securing every corner.
The Scientists inside put their hands up, confused. "What's going on?" queried an especially old professor. The marine told him in no uncertain terms to shut his mouth.
One of the Scientists was far younger than the others. Though he had also put his hands up, he hadn't turned to face the soldiers. He wore an immaculate white labcoat – and more bizarrely, immaculately white gloves and immaculately white boots. A dark pair of goggles sat on his head, just under his short blond hair. He glared at the wall as the soldiers entered the room.
"Here's what's going to go down," announced the marine leader. He shot the Scientist nearest the door. "I think that sums everything up. No-one try anything funny."
"Sarge, that guy's not looking at us," pointed out one of his men. The leader eyeballed the youngest Scientist.
"You there!" he barked. "You have the-" That was as far as he got.
The young man had spun on his heel, producing a red and black firearm seemingly from nowhere. He fired a red blast at the marine, knocking him to the floor. He was able to stun another marine before the final one opened fire. He ducked under a desk as the other Scientists fled the room. The third marine fired his machine-gun at the space the Scientist had just been, yelling. The doctor rolled his eyes. Dumb muscle.
He poked out a side of the desk and blasted the final marine several times, rendering him unconscious. Thus safe, he took the guns of all three marines and threw them down the elevator shaft – exposed, of course – across the hall.
"Pansy!" spat the still-conscious lead marine from the floor. "Why don't you finish us off, huh?"
The Scientist crouched down next to the soldier, glaring intensely.
"Killing's not my style," he said vehemently.
With those words, and a swish of his labcoat, Dr Horrible left.
Luigi wandered through the lower levels of the ship, kicking a rock absently. Most of the other occupants of the ship were socialising, but Luigi had always been quite shy. Instead, he spent his time traversing the smaller, less used corridors.
He hadn't expected to find anyone down here, but turning a corner, that's precisely what happened.
Snake was in one of the lowermost rooms, a storage room with circular windows. He cast his eyes around, and seemed to be deep in thought.
When Luigi entered, Snake whirled around, spy instincts fully active. He relaxed himself when he saw it was. "Hello, Luigi," he greeted in his husky voice.
"Hey," answered the green plumber. "What you a-doing down here?"
Snake shook his head. "It's just... this ship seems familiar to me. Don't you get that?"
Luigi examined the room. "No...?"
"Strange," murmured Snake, "since my vague memories associate this place with you." He shrugged, and stalked out of the room. "I suppose we'll find out soon enough. But I dislike being kept waiting."
They were in a larger, lower room. It was seemingly a dead end, so Aang left the two others to work out a new path.
The young boy planted his feet and tried to lift a fragment of stone from the ground with an Earthbending motion. Nothing happened. He tried punching forward while exhaling, but no fire came from his fist. Aang sighed helplessly. Deciding not to tell his new friends of his problem, he walked up to where they were working.
Bentley placed a bomb against a thick steel door, retreated to a safe distance while it beeped and flashed red, and then ducked his head slightly when it exploded. He surveyed the damage he had wrought, and sighed. "Nothing. This door's just too strong."
"At least that makes a bit of sense," retorted Joe. "It's a big metal door. It looks strong." He pointed to a small glass window in a nearby wooden door. He had unloaded two magazines into it at point blank range. The glass had cracked somewhat, but remained intact. "I just don't know how to explain that," he said. "Who built this place?! And what were they smoking?!"
Aang strode back and forth, rubbing his chin. He flipped his staff around on one wrist as he thought. "There's got to be a way out of here somewhere," he murmured. "We just have to stay positive and keep moving! Right, guys?" There was no response. "Guys?" Aang repeated, turning to look at them.
Both Joe and Bentley were surrounded by a coalescing film of white light, frozen and unmoving in the positions they had been in. Aang blinked at them, and waved a hand in front of their faces.
"We've got about two minutes," said a voice behind him. Aang turned to see Dr Horrible standing next to a large device, sitting on a wheeled platform. It looked like a artillery gun, but its barrel shot a beam of quiet white energy, specifically at Joe and Bentley.
"What did you do to them?" asked Aang, readying his staff for a fight. He glared mistrustfully at Dr Horrible, angered at his allies' predicament.
"Freeze ray," explained Horrible almost nonchalantly. "Surprisingly easy to cobble together so quickly. This place has an entire room of Wonderflonium. It's ridiculous."
"Will they be okay?"
Horrible waved a hand dismissively. "Perfectly. Like I said, it only lasts about two minutes."
"So what do you want?" asked Aang.
"I was hoping we could talk things out," said Horrible. "I don't see any reason for me to di- I mean, I don't see any reason for us to fight."
"That's so weird!" said Aang. "I was just talking to him about pacifism!"
"Yeah, what a crazy random happenstance," lied Horrible, who had listened to their conversation over the security system.
"I'll do anything I can to resolve this peacefully," said Aang. "Have you a plan?"
"Did you get any information about this place?"
Aang fished out the letter which he had found earlier in his robes. Horrible took it and read through it quickly, humming to himself while doing so.
"Aha!" he said upon reading something. "It says you still 'win' if, instead of killing me, you remove me from the area."
"That's great!" said Aang. "Only... we tried leaving up on the surface." He opened his staff's wings and showed Horrible the bullet holes. "It... didn't work."
"That's okay," reassured Dr Horrible. "I'm a dangerous Scientist, in a building full of dangerous Science. I'm sure I can Science my way out. Dangerously." Then, he threw himself to the side as a hail of machine-gun fire tore through the space he had occupied seconds previously.
"Look out, Aang!" Angry Joe yelled, brandishing his firearms. "Dr Horrible's here, and he can teleport!"
"Calm down!" shouted Aang. "We were just talking!"
"That didn't feel like two minutes..." moaned Horrible from his position on the floor.
Bentley wheeled himself up so as to be closer to Aang, Joe and Horrible. "Just what is going on here?"
"Fucking Dr Horrible is what's going on!" swore Joe. "He came out of nowhere!"
He aimed his two guns at the prone Scientist, but before he could shoot him, his weapons were blown from his hands by a gust of air.
Joe glared at Aang, who had an arm outstretched. "What was that for?"
"Listen!" snapped Aang. "He wants to reach a peaceful solution."
"Peaceful?" asked Joe incredulously. "We're here to fight! How can we reach a peaceful solution?"
"I'm intrigued," say Bentley. "What exactly are you suggesting?"
"I read the letter you got," said Horrible as he stood. "If I leave the premises, you three win. No-one has to kill m- each other. No-one has to kill each other."
"I assume Aang already told you of our previous escape attempt?" queried Bentley.
"He has. But I'd be a bad Scientist if I accepted the only way to leave a building is via the door."
Joe muttered to himself as he reclaimed his two machine-guns from the floor. "I'm watching you," he warned. "Don't try anything funny."
"Right, right," said Horrible. "Understandable. I am an evil Scientist."
"You know, the more you say that, the less convincing it sounds," Aang pointed out.
"In any case, I read on one of the computer files something about a 'Resonance Cascade'," said Bentley.
"Ah, that sounds like a good escape route," replied Dr Horrible. "Actually, it sounds like an abysmal escape route, one that's likely to get me killed, but it does sounds better than being riddled with helicopter bullets."
"The experiment was deeper down in the facility, as I recall," said Bentley.
"Lead on," gestured Horrible.
"Yeah, you take point," said Joe. "I'll stand behind our new friend here with a MP5 between his shoulder blades."
"It's always so nice when people get along," Aang said dryly.
The glider drifted through the vast void of space. Silently. So silently.
"Loki."
"Scar?"
"I'm about to cry from boredom."
"Excellent. I could use some entertainment."
The lion rolled his eyes. "Perhaps we should discuss something?"
Loki pressed a few buttons on the controls. "Very well. What do you want to discuss?"
"Tell me a bit more about yourself," Scar demanded.
Loki gave him an oily smile over his shoulder. "Well, where to begin? I was raised in the royal family of a far-away kingdom. My father, the king, was a moron. My older brother, whose shadow I was forever resigned to, doubly so. I was never even considered for kingship. And furthermore, I was always looked down upon for my comparative weakness. But I was smart. So smart, in fact, that one day, when I had had enough, I seized the throne. But, alas, my glorious reign was cut short, and the idiots that surrounded me stole back my birthright. There, that's my story."
Scar stared at Loki.
"What's wrong?" Loki sneered.
Scar sat back in his seat. "It's just... I can empathize. Let me fill you in on my story..."
Dr Horrible and Bentley examined the panels of the experiment control room. Aang poked his head through a window in the front wall and looked down to see a huge orange room, about five stories deep. The centre of the ceiling was occupied by a huge machine which pointed towards the ground. Also in the room was a railed cart housing a large florescent crystal. The rails led directly under the machine.
"So?" asked Angry Joe impatiently. "What's the word?"
"The teleportation happens when you shoot the big laser at the glowy rocks," said Horrible, reading from a screen. "Really, it's pretty basic Science."
"The experiment is complex, but it appears to have been abandoned just as the apparatus were set up," said Bentley, turning around. "It should just be a simple matter of having Dr Horrible climb down and push that crystal-bearing cart under the machine. I can stay up here and monitor the instruments."
"And then we all go home happy!" said Aang.
"Well, I go somewhere happy..." murmured Dr Horrible to himself. He slipped out of the door and walked down the corridor to the elevator.
Joe went beside Bentley and examined the control panel. "They've got some really advanced stuff here."
"Ah, but their security system leaves something to be desired," said Bentley triumphantly, his fingers flying across the keyboard. "I've already got access." He pressed a button, turning on the intercom. "You still with us, Doctor?"
"I am," came the weak reply, "but the twirly elevator made me kind of dizzy."
"You coming up to the room?" asked Joe.
There was a pause, followed by "... Yep. I'm in the chamber."
Aang leaned over and saw the Scientist walk to the centre of the room. He waved down and Horrible returned the gesture with a wan smile.
"Should I do anything?" he called up.
"No need – I'm activating the experiment from here. All you have to do is push the specimen into the path of the laser."
Horrible came up behind the trolley and tested its weight as the laser activated. "Well, alright. Bye, then."
"Bye!" called down Aang.
"Best of luck," said Bentley.
"Yeah, yeah," said Joe. "But know that I'll be pointing my gun at until you disappear."
Horrible pushed the cart down its small track, approaching the laser. He cast one last glance to Aang. Then, the laser reacted to the presence of the crystal by shaking violently and shining with a far greater intensity. The machine started to explode slightly at the top.
"Joe, I know you want to keep an eye on him, but suddenly it seems like a good idea to get the heck out of here!" yelled Bentley worriedly.
Joe took one look at the highly unstable machine and said "Yeah, good point."
The three broke into a run just as a shaft of laser shot through the observation window and dug a hole into the solid steel wall behind them. Aang shot them forward with a blast of air, throwing them far out of harm's way. The machine continued to throw arcs of electricity and bursts of laser into the control room as Bentley urgently tapped at a wall-mounted keypad, shutting the door behind them.
"This place is scary," said Aang, once the cacophony was shut away from them.
"Damn right," muttered Joe. "So, is he gone?"
"Well, either he successfully teleported," mused Bentley, "or he's smeared over the chamber walls like jam." Aang winced.
"So, either way, mission accomplished!" said Joe. "Great. Super. What happens-"
##
Clank stood on one of the chairs on the ship's bridge, examining a control console. He pressed a few buttons, to little effect.
"Fascinating," he murmured. "The systems are heavily damaged, but should be online soon enough."
"Good," said Deadpool from his makeshift desk. "I'm dying to check my MySpace, yo." He made an interested noise as the three heroes teleported on to the bridge.
Clank turn to regarded them, focusing his large green eyes on the turtle. "Bentley?"
"Clank!" exclaimed Bentley. "It's good to see you again. I thought we seen the last of each other after that regrettable alien affair."
"Likewise," said Clank. "I imagine that Sly will be most gratified to see you are here."
"Sly's here too?" said Bentley. "That's wonderful news!"
"Why?" said Aang. "Does it explain this whole situation any better?"
"Not really." Bentley smiled. "But it does mean that'll be a lot more enjoyable."
Reviews are enjoyable too. Just sayin'.
