Chapter Eleven
Prophecy
James slipped out of the portrait hole and started to walk down the corridor. Lily turned around to look at him.
"Don't follow me," she said.
He shrugged, just standing there looking at her.
"Seriously, James, don't."
He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Lily, if you think I'm going to let you go anywhere alone after what just happened an hour ago, you're insane and should be committed to St. Mungos."
Lily glared at him, crossing her arms. "This is none of your business."
"Well, no offense, Lily, but I've put a lot of time into saving you, so I think it is my business if you get killed on the way to the Headmaster's office just because I wasn't with you." James took a step closer.
Her eyes flashed. "You didn't save me. I was perfectly capable of handling myself, thank you very much."
"Oh right," James said, "and this was the time that that Death Eater was dragging you away, or was this an hour ago where you would have been colossally screwed without me. Not even you can fight five people off at once."
"If it weren't for me, you would have been a snakes lunch." She jabbed him in the chest with a finger when she said you.
"I think it was more a favor to the snake, I couldn't have tasted that good with boils all over my skin." James grinned jauntily at her.
Lily's eyes darted away from him. James found that very interesting, did she not like the thought of him injured?
"You didn't save me, I didn't need your help," she repeated, carefully staring over to the right of him.
"Well, you have my help," James said firmly. Honestly, there was no way that he was going to let her go anywhere alone so soon after an attack.
Because, and he could admit it privately to himself, he hated the thought of her injured or dead. His fingernails dug into his palms at the thought of her motionless form, pale from the lack of pumping blood.
She scowled at him.
They stared at each other for a minute, and James almost stepped forward and took her into his arms and tilted her chin up and ...
He blinked, tensing his muscles. Eventually something seemed to break, and she turned on her heel and started walking again.
James stared after her for a minute and then caught up to her.
"So," he said conversationally.
"So," Lily replied.
"Why were those people attacking you anyway?" James asked.
She sighed. "None of your business," she said lightly.
"But it is my business," he insisted. "I've been in several fights because of it."
She exhaled loudly through her nose.
"James, honestly, you don't need to protect me. You have your own life to live, and there is no reason for you to get all caught up in this mess because of me." The expression on her face was worried.
James found himself slightly satisfied by the idea that she was concerned about him. It gave him some slight hope that she might actually like him in the romantic sense.
James pinched the bridge of his nose. "Lily, I'm trying to tell you that I'm in this with you, and I'm going to be in this with you no matter what happens, because you may not like me romantically, but we're still best friends." A momentary thrill went through him. He had never called them best friends out loud before. "I'm going to be there for you when things like this happen, and you don't have to tell me what's going on if you don't want to, but I would appreciate knowing what I'm dealing with."
James clenched his hands into fists, waiting anxiously for her answer.
She looked up at him like she was evaluating him. She bit her bottom lip as she tilted her head to look at him.
James started to move towards her with every intention of kissing her until he realized what he was doing. He stopped moving abruptly and stood absolutely still, hoping that she hadn't realized what he was going to do.
"Fine," she said finally. She started to walk again.
James hurried after her. This was getting ridiculous, the way he felt the need to touch her at every moment.
She was speed walking down the hallway and twisting her hands together.
"Are you going to tell me?" James asked when it was clear that she wasn't preparing to speak.
"When we get to Dumbledore's office," Lily said. "Cockroach Clusters," she declared confidently when they reached the entrance to the Headmaster's office.
The stairs started to move up and James and Lily stepped onto them.
They were transported up slowly and they were pressed together on one stair so that their arms were touching. James was infinitely aware of every inch that they were touching.
They reached the top and were faced with a wooden door.
Lily raised a fist and rapped smartly on it.
"Come in," a voice floated out from inside.
James grasped the handle and pushed the door open, letting Lily walk in first. He followed on her heels, looking at an office that he had only ever seen on the Maurader's Map.
Dumbledore was sitting behind a massive desk, with his fingers steepled under his chin. The desk itself and the surrounding tables and shelves were filled with odd trinkets and devices that perplexed James.
"Ah, Mr. Potter, I was wondering if you might be joining us," Dumbledore said with a small smile.
"Ah, were you?" James asked uncertainly.
"Indeed, I did not think it would be long before you pressed Lily for information." He smiled indulgently at the pair of them.
The Headmaster pulled his wand out from his sleeve and conjured up to chairs in front of his desk, "Please sit."
James settled into his chair which had a soft cushion at the bottom and a hard back. He shifted uncomfortably.
A bird that was sitting on a perch next to the desk gave a rather loud squawk, and James looked over at it in surprise. It had magnificent red feathers that were interspersed with lines of gold.
"This is Fawkes," Dumbledore said fondly, "A Phoenix is a rather curious creature, even in the realm of magic. It is the only creature that tenaciously rises from it's own ashes, something that every other creature has difficulty with. I have noticed that people in particular have a difficult time rising when life seems bleak and hopeless."
Fawkes regarded James with a beady black eye, and James looked away uncomfortably.
Lily shifted in her chair, "Professor," she started.
Dumbledore looked at her flatly. "I believe I told you to not go anywhere that wasn't necessary."
"I thought you meant Hogsmeade and Hagrid's, not to the library with James. It should have been fine, I didn't think they were going to attack me." Lily slumped backwards and crossed her arms defiantly.
Dumbledore folded his arms onto his desk and looked at James. "Have you told Mr. Potter anything?"
"No."
"Well, I think after everything that he has been through he deserves to know what is going on. I assume you agree and that is why you brought him here tonight." Dumbledore's blue eyes pierced James, and the boy stared back at him.
"He followed me here," Lily said with an upset tone in her voice.
James scowled at her. "It was for your own good." He turned back to the Headmaster, "I wasn't about to let her go anywhere on her own again. Not after Hogsmeade and today."
Dumbledore's beard twitched slightly. "Probably wise," he said eventually.
James smiled triumphantly at Lily. She just frowned back at him.
"Lily, would you like to tell him, or shall I?" Dumbledore asked.
"You can tell him," Lily said grumpily.
Dumbledore inclined his head towards her and then pressed his fingertips together again and regarded James with a serious look on his face.
"Lily is a very unusual girl with extraordinary talents," Dumbledore said eventually.
"Apparently," she said turning to James, "but I haven't seen any of these talents yet, I'm half convinced that he's lying."
"It will come," Dumbledore said patiently. "To begin with this story we ought to start with a man named Earnest Proctor."
"He was a terrible person," Lily interjected.
Dumbledore's beard twitched again. "He was not known for his moral standards," he acknowledged.
"But, he did have certain talents," she said frowning as if his talents had personally affronted her.
"He was a seer," Dumbledore said.
James frowned at both of them. "I don't put much stock into Divination."
"I didn't either," Lily sighed.
"The art of telling the future is an ancient one," Dumbledore said as he stood up to walk around the office. He picked up some sort of potion that was resting on a shelf. He shook it so that the purple liquid sparkled in it's small container. "Most witches and wizards today don't believe in Divination, but it is a craft that has long since proven it's worth. I myself have fulfilled many prophecies."
The Headmaster stared wistfully out the window for a moment, remembering the past.
James spoke up nervously, "But aren't most prophecies self fulfilling anyway?" This was a belief that he had held onto for many years, because he didn't like the idea of having no control over his future.
Dumbledore glanced over at him. "That is one of many theories, and none of them can be proved. The truth is a delicate thing that few every find. I fear that most live without it."
James blinked slowly, trying to process what Dumbledore was saying. "What's so special about Earnest Proctor?" he finally asked.
"Nothing," Dumbledore said simply. "He was a raving lunatic, but a loud one. He had exactly one prophecy in his entire life that was ever recorded. Most didn't believe him, but he published a book on it and preached from town to town until he gained a reputation."
"A reputation that just happened to spawn several cults," Lily said wearily.
"What kind of cults?" James asked.
"Fanatics join because they think that his prophecy is true, and they're trying to find the subject of the prophecy and force them to fulfill their destiny."
"So basically, mad people," James clarified.
Lily tilted her head to the side. "Essentially, yes."
"Right, okay, continue."
Dumbledore took the story up again. "Proctor died in 1920, but the cults, while diminished, still remain."
"Unfortunately." Lily muttered.
James looked over at her quickly before turning back to the Headmaster.
"They insist that the prophecy has not come to pass yet, and are still attempting to find the subjects of it to ... help them along."
Lily shifted in her chair.
"Okay, so what does this have to do with Lily getting attacked?" James asked.
Dumbledore looked over at her and gestured between her and James.
She sighed, turning to him. "Apparently I am the subject of the prophecy," she said sourly.
This proclamation was followed by a vast silence.
James glanced between her and the Headmaster. "Okay," he said flatly.
"And the followers of Voldemort don't like the implications of that," Lily continued.
"Why not? What does it have to do with them?"
Dumbledore spoke up from behind the dest. "Voldemort doesn't want the prophecy to come to pass, so he's doing everything he can to kill or capture Lily."
"But why doesn't he want it to happen? What does it say?
"Essentially it says that I will be bring to pass the destruction of Voldemort," Lily said it calmly as she folded her hands into her lap.
"I'm sorry?" James asked.
"You heard."
James stared from her then at Dumbledore and then back to Lily. "You cannot be serious," he tried.
She looked at him solemnly. "I wouldn't lie about something this important, James. This is kind of a big deal."
"This is a very big deal," James said. "Huge, colossal. No wonder they're attacking you at every opportunity." A sort of panic was beginning to build up inside of him. Suddenly the attacks that he had been through took on a new meaning.
He stood up, pacing the length of the room. "Why didn't you tell me about this?" he asked.
Lily frowned at him. "It's not like I go around telling every one of my friends this, James, it's a secret that needs to be kept."
"Yeah, but you could have told me." he said.
She looked at him flatly.
He gripped the back of his chair. "Shouldn't you be in hiding or in Antarctica or something just to be safe?"
She laughed at him. "I don't think Antarctica would be any safer than here actually."
"So why aren't you in hiding though, seriously." James looked at Dumbledore. "What's being done for her protection?"
Dumbledore looked at him levelly. "We're doing everything we can, James."
"Well, it's clearly not enough if she's being attacked at Hogsmeade or in the corridors in school," James said angrily.
"There is little I can do against attacks that have been unprecedented and are unexpected. We were not expecting Voldemort to use the student body to harm Lily. I thought he might keep his student followers identities a secret in order to use them at a crucial time." The Headmaster paused. "It seems I was mistaken."
Damn right you were, James thought angrily, but he didn't say it out loud. Logic told him that Dumbledore was trying to protect Lily, no matter what had happened earlier today.
"It's fine, no one knew that this was going to happen today," Lily said placatingly.
She was staring at James with a strange look on her face.
"James, if you don't mind, I need to talk to Miss Evans alone." The Headmaster gave James a stare that made him feel like he was transparent.
"What? Oh yeah, that's fine. I'll just wait outside." James stood up and walked over to the door.
He stood on the stairs as they descended slowly and he bit his bottom lip as he thought about what Lily had just told him.
Exactly how was she supposed to defeat the Dark Lord? And how was it that she, of all people, was the subject of the prophecy. Couldn't it be someone else, anyone else, just so that James didn't have to worry about her safety? He realized that that was terribly selfish, but to be honest he just didn't care. He needed her to be safe.
He stepped into the corridor and slid down the wall, resting he forehead on his knees.
This had been a complicated day, and one that was about to get harder, he had no doubt.
Was this the reason then? Was this why she had said no to him so many times before, expecting that no boy would take the chance to love her when she had a target on her back and a dangerous task to pursue?
James felt like sneaking out of the castle and running through the Forbidden Forest as a stag, to try and forget what confusion felt like.
Because all of this was beyond confusing.
Maybe she just honestly didn't like him. Maybe she really did just want to be friends.
But earlier, when he had stepped forward without realizing it, when he was going to kiss her without any thoughts in the way, her eyes had lit up with dim hope. And when he stopped, she had looked away, as if she were disappointed.
Maybe when she stepped out of the Headmaster's office he would simply push her against the wall and kiss her. His hands would be on her waist and she would push her fingers through his hair and his heart would pound faster than it ever had. She would whisper his name, and pull him closer, and he would respond, as he always did.
A foot kicked at his ankle.
"James," Lily said, startling him out of his daydreaming. "Come on," she held out a hand to help him up.
He took it, wondering what she would do if he pulled her in closer.
He didn't, of course. He was too afraid of being rejected, and there were more important things to think about at the moment anyway.
"How exactly are you going to be able to defeat You-Know-Who?" James asked.
Lily shrugged. "I have no idea," she said wearily. "I'm just trying to survive until Christmas break, where I can go home and not worry about being attacked, and not do any essays."
James stopped walking and pulled on her arm, reeling her in. He didn't kiss her, he was too much of a coward for that. But he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
She pressed her face into his chest and hugged back tightly.
They stood like that for a very long time, longer than was necessary. When she finally loosened her grip slightly, James stepped back from her, looking down into her eyes.
She sniffled a little bit and wiped at her eyes.
"Hey, it's okay," James said, slightly alarmed. He was vastly unprepared to deal with a crying girl and he had no idea how to handle it.
"Yeah, I know, it's fine," she said thickly. "There are just people trying to kill me and the outcome of the current war is resting on my shoulders. It's fine."
James felt a bit stupid after that. "Okay, so maybe it's not fine. Maybe life sucks."
She laughed a little bit at that, which made James feel good.
"I'll be alright, you don't have to worry about me," she said as she patted his shoulder.
Was the gesture automatic or just an excuse to touch him again? James was going to go crazy trying to guess everything that she was thinking.
"I always worry about you," James said without thinking about it, and she looked up at him surprised.
He looked back at her, thinking that this time his body was moving towards her and he wasn't going to stop it.
His hand slid behind her head and he started to lean in.
The very tip of her nose brushed against his cheek, and they were breathing the same air.
Lily gasped just a little bit and stepped away suddenly.
James let his hand drop from midair, feeling like something infinitely precious was just ripped from him.
"I can't do this," she said.
"Why not?"
She was shaking her head, and even now, James could appreciate the way her hair bounced. It was mad, that with everything that happened, with the conversation that was happening that he could still appreciate her beauty.
"I'm not- I just can't!" she half shouted at him.
She was really crying now, and that started an ache somewhere deep inside his chest. It hurt the way he expected a slow poison would.
He stepped towards her, holding his hands out and she backed up again.
"Lily," he said, exasperated.
"James," she responded, glaring at him.
"Come here," he said firmly.
"No."
He let his arms drop. "I promise I won't try to kiss you, I'll just give you a hug." He stood still, letting her come to him.
For an awful moment, he thought that she was just going to run away and leave him there.
Then she stepped forward, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek on his chest.
Cautiously he raised his hands and slid his fingers into her hair. He pressed his cheek to the top of her head.
"I could be killed any day, James. I can't have a relationship, it doesn't make sense."
"Why not? You haven't been killed yet, and Hogwarts is the safest place for you."
Lily sighed and stepped away from him again. "Right, because that was just proved today."
James waved his hand. "One time, that's all it was. And they'll never even try it again. Dumbledore will make sure of it."
"But I'm going to graduate, and go home for breaks, and they're going to get me at some point, and I don't want to put someone through the pain of losing me if they don't have to."
"I'll already have that pain, Lily." James argued, and she avoided looking at his face again. "If you die, it will hurt like hell. I am already affected by you, you are already in my life, so why can't we just be together?"
He threw his hands up in the air, praying that she would see his sense and just give in.
"We can't," she said desperately. "We just can't, James. It would never work."
"Why not?" he yelled. "Why wouldn't it work? You keep saying this over and over and over, but why wouldn't it work Lily? How would you know if you didn't try?"
"We can't even try," she said quietly. "We can't even be any better friends that we are right now, we can't ever be together."
"Why not?" He said it quietly and he could see how the words tore at her. He wanted so badly to be with her, and she wanted so badly to give that to him, and her resolve was crumbling.
"Because they would kill you," she said as she slumped against the wall. "They would torture you and hold you captive and they would hurt you and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I would comply with every demand they asked of me, and then they would kill me and make you watch. They would force you to watch as they tortured me, just to see how upset you would become, and then they would kill me, and then they would kill you. And I can't let that happen."
She looked up at him through her red hair that was obscuring her face.
"I can't lose you," she said firmly.
A wave of emotion cascaded through James, but he wasn't sure what it was.
Relief because she did love him.
Despair because she would never be with him.
Love because, as selfish as it was, he loved that she loved him.
"We should go," Lily said quietly. And she pulled herself off of the wall and began to walk back to Gryffindor Tower.
James followed behind.
They reached the portrait hole without saying another word.
Lily gave the password and the frame swung forward. James caught her arm before she went in.
"We'll do it your way for now," he said with a bit of a smile. "But I have to warn you, I plan on wearing you down to the point where you beg me to go out with you."
Lily looked up at him, and with the warm light of the common room shining on half of her face, James thought that she had never looked more beautiful.
"Challenge accepted," she said with a slight grin.
The next day was bright and cold. Sundays were always quiet around the castle. James found himself waking up several times during the night, until finally he just gave in at dawn and rolled out of bed to get up.
He padded down to the common room and curled up in one of the armchairs beside the fire.
He cracked open Quidditch through the Ages and began to read. He should be working on essays or studying for Transfiguration, he was still rubbish at conjuring spells, but he honestly couldn't even bring himself to care about that.
He just wanted to go back to normal.
He wanted Voldemort to be nonexistent, and he wanted Lily to be a normal teenage girl, and he wanted to only have to worry about pranks and schoolwork.
He didn't want to worry that his parents might be killed any day, leaving him by himself.
He didn't want to worry that Lily might be attacked again at any moment.
He didn't want to worry that Peter was going to be permanently injured over break, and he didn't want to worry that Remus was going to kill someone every full moon.
He was unsure how he had landed in this life with so much danger and so many uncertainties, but at the moment he resented it strongly.
The words on the page were floating up off of the page and mixing up in his brain so that they didn't make any sense.
There were footsteps on the stairs.
Wormtail appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey Padfoot," he yawned. "What are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep," he muttered. "What about you?"
Wormtail padded over to the chair that was next to James's. He collapsed into it and pulled his knees up to his chest. "Me neither." He was quiet for a moment, then suddenly said, "Can't stop thinking about next week."
"Are you going home for holidays?" James asked.
Wormtail nodded. "Yeah."
James fell silent, thinking about that. He could just imagine the bruises that were going to be spread across Peter's chest when he got back, and the bones that would be cracked and broken underneath his black and blue skin.
"Why do you keep going back?" James asked.
Wormtail shrugged. "I don't have anywhere else to go." He stared into the fire, the reflection of the flames dancing in his pupils.
"You could stay at Hogwarts over breaks and ask Dumbledore if you could stay for summer. I'm sure if you just explained . . ."
Wormtail was shaking his head. "He's my father," he said as if that explained everything.
"Peter, you don't have to put up with this, you aren't his punching bag, you're a person who deserves to be treated better." James sat up in his chair.
Peter stared at him.
"Why don't you come home with me and Sirius over Christmas?" James said impulsively.
Peter cocked his head to the side, thinking.
"Okay," he said finally.
"Okay," James said back in his chair again, thinking that he should write his parents to make sure that they were okay with that.
James stared at his book again.
His life was complicated and he had a lot of things to worry about, but at least he had family that loved him.
At least he didn't go home to an abusive father every break and think that was normal.
At least his parents talked to him.
At least he had a home to go home to.
And he was infinitely grateful for that.
