Izzie – December 11th 5:46 AM
Alex is tripping around the room, trying to get himself ready for work. I didn't understand why he was going in so early. It was Sunday after all, sleep in day, as I'd christened it a few years ago. I figure he'd been paged in or something, trying not to think too much of it. After his reaction last night though...I couldn't help the creeping insecurity. His words had been reassuring, but his actions had confused me, making me question if he honestly thought what he'd said or if he now thought less of me because of the fact that I'd gone and given away my child.
He totally just, zoned out, as I tried really hard to discuss calmly about the whole situation. I thought he would get it, and now with her being on my mind so much due to it soon being her birthday, I just wanted to talk about it, finally bring it out to the open. It wasn't something I was ashamed of, the having a kid part. I couldn't help the occasional shame that I felt when people reacted like Alex had over the fact that I'd given her up. I knew what people thought. "How do you give up your own kid?" "You must not care to do something like that?" Or, my favorite, "How selfish can a person get?" They weren't words directed at me, but every time the topic of adoption came up, whether it be around the kids at my school or now in adulthood, over hearing conversations or listening to parents question things like that. They were words that could apply, and that kind of sucked.
"Shit," Alex curses in a whisper as he begins hobbling around on one foot. Were I filled with less worry right now, I would definitely laugh at his toe injury. I did feel kind of bad with how he had to get ready every morning, though. Did we ever empty our boxes out this process might be a bit easier. By that point we'd probably be getting ready to move again though.
He comes around to his side of the bed, picking up his pager and his phone. I watch him, my eyes open, but not once does he look in my direction, nor does he kiss me goodbye in anyway before slipping out our bedroom door. I sigh, not sure if I was more disappointed in myself or him. I hated myself enough. He was supposed to be supportive of me no matter what though. So, underneath all of the hurt and shame and guilt, there was some anger too.
He comes back in, and I'm hopeful he'd realized he had left without saying goodbye. That's not the case though as he instead just flips the blinds close and draw the curtains in, obviously trying to keep the light out for me. He leaves once again after that and I turn on my side, grabbing his pillow as I fall somewhere between crying and staring blankly.
7:13 AM
I'm not sleeping. I've laid in bed for two hours and have not dozed off once. It was annoying and a waste of time. So I get up, slowly and carefully, unsure of what sort of day I could expect. I had picked up on the fact my emotions usually played some factor with how my physiological side experienced a day. The mornings I woke up feeling depressed or angry or stressed, I'd usually have a day of twisting stomachs and unsteady footsteps. The mornings that began with joy and peace and love, those were the days when I could wander around Target for an hour the day I was discharged and then decorate the apartment. I had unknown energy and strength that must be powered by all of those good emotions.
Today was hardly the day for feeling miserable, as I had my Christmas shopping plans with Meredith and Cristina. I wondered if Alex remembered that. He often came home to have lunch with me if he wasn't too busy. I'd mentioned it the day before at lunch, but he didn't always retain everything.
Oh well, I thought. Even if he didn't remember he probably still wouldn't show up just because he was all standoffish now.
The world is a little unsteady around me, and I find that even though I'd been laying in a perfectly nice bed for nearly two hours, I was kind of exhausted. It was stupid, this whole being unable to sleep deal. As a surgeon, my body had quickly been taught to sleep when it could, because who knew when the next opportunity would arise. You were tired, you slept. It was simple, and I wished I could reacquire that simplicity. But now there were nightmares, and angry husbands, and worried guts that kept me up. Considering I was sick with an invasive, aggressive cancer, you'd think my body would still sleep as it used to.
I go to the kitchen to make myself some tea, finding some claimed anti-nausea stuff that Meredith must have gotten for me in my cupboard. The side of the box rambled on about some herb mixtures, but I don't care enough to work on focusing my eyes to read it, so I just dump the tea bag into my cup of hot water. I open the cabinets, scanning for something that I might feel like eating. Alex's cereal is in there, along with some corn flakes. There were eggs in the fridge and cheese, I could make an omelet. Bacon, sausage, and pancake mix also were found in my search. All of them made my stomach turn at the thought, bile rising to the back of my throat. It didn't help that every time I thought of Alex's distance I got this sick, somersaulting feeling in my gut. I wanted to bury my face in a pillow and forget it happened.
I walk out of the kitchen, my herbal tea the only thing that would be going into my stomach just now it would seem. I sigh, surrendering myself to the idea of showering and getting ready. I was sure the two of them would still have to do their morning rounds before being able to go out, and even then they wouldn't necessarily come right over. Everyone always expected me to be sleeping all day. Which, perhaps on a normal day I might at least sleep past when they all went into work, but today just wasn't going to be normal.
The hot water feels good and, considering my only task when showering was to brush my teeth and wash my body, I stay in far longer than necessary, just finding comfort in the warmth that fell around me. I made my mind up then, deciding to block all concern over Alex and whatever his potential thoughts might be. It was just impossible to tell what he was thinking some days. In all reality, it was just irrational to be all worried about his disapproval or whatever now when he could be thinking of something completely different that bothered him. It could be his family, or my not sleeping, or work. Any number of things could make him like this. Really.
I eventually switch the water off, once the hot water has run out and been replaced with lukewarm liquid. I stay in the steam filled room though, wrapping myself in a towel and sitting on the toilet. I lean my head back and breathe in the moist filled air.
A loud knock on the bathroom door makes me jump. "Izzie?" Meredith's panicked voice asks. "Are you in there?"
"Yeah, just a minute!" I yell back, pulling my towel a little tighter around my body and wrapping another one around the top of my head, just as I used to when I had hair that I needed to keep from dripping down my back. Now it was a makeshift hat/scarf.
I swing the door open, smiling at the mildly startled Meredith. "You weren't answering your phone," she says, disapprovement coloring her tone.
"Shower," I answer simply. "Is Cristina here?" I question, wondering if she had yet begun to go through my kitchen this time.
"No, she's finishing a surgery," she says with an eye roll. Of course she would be, this was Cristina Yang after all. It wouldn't be a good day for her unless she got to cut someone open. "How are you feeling?" She's giving me this look like she'd heard of my bad day yesterday. I might be having another not so good one today so far, but I attributed that to my bad mood, and the days before were obviously from recently finishing chemo. People overreacted.
"Been talking to Alex?" I ask with a slight smile. It fades when my stomach does another flip. Did he really think less of me now? I stop myself there, blocking such thoughts again. It was pretty much impossible to consciously stop yourself from thinking about something, I wondered how many other people had noticed that before.
"He might have mentioned something," she says with a shrug. "I was just calling earlier to see when you wanted to leave."
"And then felt the need to speed over here after I didn't answer to make sure I hadn't passed out?" I finish for her, because we both knew it was true. She laughs slightly, nodding. "Just give me twenty minutes."
"You can have more if Cristina is still in surgery. Knowing her she'll be procrastinating after that, too." It was so true. I could only think back to my Thanksgiving dinner years before. How everyone had found one reason or another to not be there as I prepared dinner, or even make it to eat practically. The only who had a decent one was George, I still thought. He did have family traditions that ended with his dad being shot in the ass. He got a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for that one.
I almost smiled at the memory of the day. I missed George. I missed him every day, at one point or another, but specifically today. Because, had he been around, I would have talked to him about Hannah and her upcoming birthday. Or I could talk to him about Alex's ass like reaction. Well, okay, maybe not that, but there was lots of other stuff. The most ridiculous part was, George was right in the hospital, every day. Only as far away as everyone else important in my life, only he had somehow vanished. I didn't think it was fair. Why did he get to decide that we weren't friends any longer. I felt it should be a more mutual thing, personally.
"Could we stop at the hospital before, actually?" I ask, thinking of cornering my husband and throwing something hard at him. "We can always just force Cristina to leave while we're there."
"Sure," she answers. "I'm just gonna go...watch some TV," she says, making her way to the living room. Now that I thought about it, this was the first time the television had been on at all. Alex was always working or doing something with me, and I got enough of the TV in the hospital. One could only watch The Price is Right so many consecutive mornings before needing to get away from it.
I go into my room, kneeling before one of the many boxes on the floor. I have to use my hands to keep from falling over, the dizziness getting the best of me for a second as I crouched down. I pull out lumps of clothing, Alex's T-shirts and jeans mostly dominating this box. I stand and kick the box over in frustration. Why couldn't he just label the damn boxes? Maybe fold a thing or two? God, was it really so much to ask?
I sigh, falling back onto the bed, still in nothing but my towel. I pull my faux-hair towel off and toss it to the floor. I was bald, not a single hair on my head, and it made me look sick, but did a towel wrapped around non-existent hair really help anything? Probably not, just made me look crazy instead.
I breathe deeply, letting my eyes slide close as I lay there, trying to just calm myself from the anger, frustration, and worry that was becoming overwhelming. It was his fault, because he couldn't just talk to me instead of avoiding having any conversation that might involve more emotions than the depth of a teaspoon. I hated him. Except that I kind of loved him.
11:49 AM
I groan, as I stretch and roll over, unsure of what was going on for a brief second. I hear voices, they sounded muffled and kind of far away, obviously from another room. I recognize them as Cristina and Meredith. I sit up quickly, only to discover I was still in my towel, but had, at some point, been covered with a blanket as well.
Great, I thought, I hadn't even managed to get dressed without falling asleep somehow. My mind needed to decide to let me sleep when I wanted it to instead of stubbornly keeping me awake only to force me asleep later, in the middle of the day. I wipe away the sleep from my eyes, pulling myself up and scanning the room which was somehow different. It clicks after a few seconds of staring, the boxes had entirely vanished. I stood and opened a drawer of the dresser, finding a neat pile of folded laundry sitting in there. I go to the closet after that. I see my dresses and blouses along with Alex's one suit and a few of his button down shirts hanging in there.
I didn't know how I had managed to sleep through Meredith unpacking all of our clothes and putting them away, but I had somehow managed, and for whatever strange reason I felt three times better having our things finally put away. At this rate we would need to give Meredith a kidney or something if the need ever presented itself. I didn't know if it was Derek or some hibernating motherly instinct, but she was constantly just helping us these days. I wondered if she pitied the fact that George had ditched me.
With my clothes now put properly away, it was much simpler finding something to pull on. I searched for my smallest pair of jeans, grabbing a belt to go with them, as well as one of my old, light pink sweaters. They still hung on me, especially in certain areas, like my butt and breasts, but it looked better than sweats at least. I find my original pink and white scarf, securing it quickly to my head. My winter stuff was still laying around somewhere in the living room. Thinking of the way Alex and I had been living since the move reminded me just how much cleaning I still needed to accomplish in the next six days, which wasn't a ton of time. Thankfully, we'd just moved in a few days ago so the how was cluttered as opposed to dirty. I didn't know if I would have the energy to scrub floors and dust the tops of cabinets.
I leave my bedroom for the bathroom, finding that my little box for makeup had also been put away. With no eyelashes it was hard to do too much in terms of makeup, things like eyeliner and eyeshadow just looking strange. I generally stuck with foundation and some lip gloss, just for my own self satisfaction as opposed to anything else.
"I'm so sorry," I say as I walk out into the living room, purse in hand. "I'm not really sure what happened there."
"You fell asleep, Iz," Meredith points out plainly. "Obviously you needed it too."
"Good thing you breathe like an asthmatic or else we might of thought you were dead though," Cristina says with all of her charm. "You're like, dead still in your sleep."
"It's been a long past few nights," I explain as vaguely as possible. I didn't really want to discuss my situation with Mer, and most definitely not with Cristina, so I would have to deflect if any questions arose.
"Alex called," Meredith says as she holds my phone up. "I told him you were taking a nap before we went out."
"What'd he say?" I ask urgently, happy just to hear he called. He couldn't think too little of me if he still wanted to have a conversation with me. Maybe this morning he had just been running late. It had happened a lot in the past couple weeks, or months, really. And last night he could have just been tired as he said. I knew Alex, if he was tired and horizontal, he was going to fall asleep. I wanted to laugh at my silly overreaction. It was just my underused mind creating scenarios to bring something a little more exciting to my life.
"Not much after he figured out who he was talking to. Just to make sure you didn't overdo it today." I roll my eyes, that sounded like Alex alright. It brought a smile to my face, now being able to relax and stop worrying about the whole made up ordeal.
"Are you ready?" I ask, finding my winter stuff in the hall closet. "God, how much time did you have? I thought I was the one who nested?"
"Meredith wasn't smart enough to go into surgery, like me, this morning," Cristina says with a smug smile. "I obviously didn't miss much."
"Yeah, yeah, let's go," I say, surprised that both of them get up off the couch with shoes on and purses in hand. They must have been waiting for a while. I still felt kind of bad for my impromptu nap. Not that I didn't feel about ten times better physically speaking.
"So, did Alex say anything else?"
1:45 PM
"I could be doing so much more important things," Cristina mutters as I hold a men's shirt up, turning it this way and that. I put back on the rack with a sigh. Alex would want clothes as much as I'd want murdered kittens.
"I don't know what to do!" I shout in frustration. "What are you getting Derek?" Hopefully Mer knew what she was doing more than I did. I was getting no where. I had thought I'd just...find something for him and it would be perfect and make sense. That didn't happen though. I had found landed on a Pandora bracelet for my mother and couldn't exactly buy for Meredith right now. I knew what I wanted to get George, but with him not talking to me I wasn't sure if I even wanted to bother. Because I knew if I didn't have the opportunity to give it to him and it just sat around, doing nothing, then I'd feel depressed every time I saw it. It would be this big, gift wrapped, reminder of the loss of my best friend. Memories were enough reminders for right now.
Then there was Alex's family, who I figured we could just buy for together, only I had no idea what to get them, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he was entirely helpless in the process as well. Right now, I really didn't like Christmas so much.
"Oh, I don't know," she answers, in a tone that totally gave away the fact that she was lying. "It's a hard decision."
We walk from Sears and veer into the mall's Best Buy. Cristina almost spits out her coffee as she scoffs, trying to play it off as cough after Meredith shoots her a look. "Fine, don't tell me." I walk off away from the clothes and into the electronics. I hadn't seen Alex play a video game in the whole time I'd known him, but maybe that was because we had no gaming platform? "An Xbox?" I ask, scanning the options. What was a 360? And why was this Kinect thing so expensive?
"Evil Spawn would be one waste his time sitting around killing people," Cristina says with an eye roll. "Just like you enjoy wasting your time by shopping."
"Cristina," I say, turning to her. "You spend all of your time that you don't have to be at work...at work. You do surgery and then you get out of surgery and do more surgeries. Then you go down to the pit, and you look for more surgeries! God, relax for two hours, would you?"
She huffs, crossing her arms and looking at her watch. "We've been doing this for two hours and fourteen minutes," she reports as she picks up some game and flips it over, scanning it halfheartedly.
I take the game from her, throwing it back on the shelf. "You need to get Hunt something," I demand. I was frustrated, and bored, and had no idea what to do and I'd be damned if she didn't, at the very least, participate in this stupid tradition.
"I do not," she laughs, walking away from me.
"He's been in Iraq for how many Christmases?" I ask, getting her to pause in her walk, but not turn to look at me. "You should give him this." I knew of all the people to try and explain this to, Cristina should be the last, but it was a good point. I was bending over backward trying to make a good Christmas for Alex and hopefully his crazy mom and long lost sister. At the very least, she could buy her boyfriend a twenty dollar gift. "Not the whole holiday, just a gift. Something he'd like."
"I don't know," Cristina shrugs, staring at the games now with me. "We're surgeons, Izzie. We get up, go to work, and then when we aren't working, we sleep. Every once in a while we have time for a drink. We make time for sex. When is there a need for a gift?"
"What does he like?" I question, hoping to feel useful again in this whole process. There was once a time when I was unstoppable, one the best gift buyers. My boyfriend's used to love getting stuff from me, and my friends always went out and bought me an extra gift the next day claiming that it "just came in." But then my stupid ass went and married Alex Karev and all of my superior gifting skills just vanished.
"Trauma," she answers simply. I guess to her, that was the obvious answer. If someone were to ask her what she liked I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she looked them directly in the eye and said, "Cardiothoracics." "And his therapy. He seems to like going to therapy."
"Okay..." I say, looking around me and considering that for a second. I shake my head, that hadn't been done right. "Let's try this again. Meredith," I start this time instead. "What's something Derek likes?"
"Ferry boats," she answers easily. "And fishing, and nuts n' grain cereal."
"See?" I ask, the three of us moving over as people were trying to squish by us. The whole store was a mob scene. The whole city, actually. "Those were the kinds of answers I was looking for."
"I don't learn that sort of stuff," she says simply, now having seemingly lost interest in the whole process. "I talk about surgery, he'll mention therapy, and then we either go to sleep or have sex."
I groan, tired of hearing about her ever so superior sex life. Next to mine though, everyone had a superior sex life right now. I readjust my scarf as I recall just why that was. "Burke liked scrub caps," I relay.
"Yeah...he kind of moved away though."
"I know that," I say impatiently. "But still, that was something not about surgery or sex that you knew about him." She begins walking now, and I follow Meredith texting someone as we went. I check my phone to see if maybe Alex had called. He hadn't.
"It was kind of about surgery," Meredith mutters.
"Thanks, Mer, really helping my case here." I roll my eyes, frustrated with too much to carry on anymore. "A watch," I say. "I'll just, get Alex a watch." We navigate our way out of the crowded Best Buy and begin walking along the mall, passing by stores and a pretzel stand. I'm mildly distracted by the Christmas decorations that covered the store. They should be putting me into a better holiday spirit.
"He can tell time?" Cristina quips again.
"Doesn't he have one already?" Meredith asks, actually being helpful as opposed to other people.
"Well yeah, but it's awfully worn." I consider that, how he always wore it with that leather bracelet of his. Despite Alex being Alex I wouldn't be surprised if those two objects held some sort of sentimental value, meaning more to him than anyone would ever get know. Trying to replace it would be ignorant, leaving me back at square one. "A jacket!"
"Oh God, this is pathetic," Cristina says, shaking her head. "Will you just admit you don't know and ask him what he wants already?"
"That's not how this works," I answer, frustrated still. It didn't help remembering he could very well be upset with me right, and I didn't know anyway that I could fix it. My mind is just about to fog itself up with such awful, circular thoughts again when we walk by a Victoria's Secret. Sexy lingerie catches my eye, and I enter the store without a second though. I pick up one of the pieces, a slinky little thing of black lace and pink bows. I set it back down, moving over to another rack where Christmas themed pieces hung.
The first I pick up has a sheer red bodice, and white fuzz along the neckline and trim at the end. It came with a pair of matching red panties and the rack had a large sign advertising the thirty percent off. I lift my old size off the rack, out of habit, but quickly surrender my previous medium, a size that accentuated my curves and breasts, for a smaller size that should hold me, as opposed to hugging me or, as the medium would now do, hang off of me like and oversized shirt.
"That would work," Cristina says with a shoulder shrug.
"Not for a gift," I reply. Really, did they think I would get my husband lingerie for myself for his Christmas gift? That wasn't just thoughtless and weird, but it was kind of rude too. "Just...for the fun of it." And I consider the fun that could be had because of it. Alex wasn't about to try and initiate anything right now, and my worries of how I would look to him now always stopped me from trying to seduce him by pulling my top off and flashing him my breasts, which used to be about the extent that it took to get him into the act.
Things were different now though, and my old stuff wouldn't fit me at all, and I missed sex with my husband. So with that reasoning I walk up to the register, handing the lady my piece without even considering what the price might be. This would be good, this would give us the push we needed to stop worrying about my less than picture perfect health and just be with each other in that way again. It would be good, I think again. Now if only they had matching cancer scarves to go with it.
9:33 PM
The sheer material slides through my fingers as I fiddle the piece of fabric in my hands, sitting precariously on the edge of the bed. I kept going back in forth in my mind, on whether I wanted to put it on or not. Six months ago I would have had no problem with it. I would strip right down and read a magazine until Alex got home or whatever. Now it was different though. Because I wasn't sexy, or at least I didn't feel sexy. I couldn't take my hair down and fan it out or use the special mascara on my eyelashes. The lingerie I had now looked like something far too small for the body I used to have. It was more fit to Meredith's figure than my own. Now it would probably be big on me still.
Another thing holding me back was the consideration that I might not be strong enough to actually...complete the act. What if I started getting dizzy or blacking out like happened on such simple tasks, like walking? How embarrassing would that be? There was also the fear of rejection. It might be because Alex thought I wasn't recovered enough from my chemo yet or that he was too tired, but it wouldn't matter what the explanation was if he said no. I'd feel incomprehensibly ugly and useless. I didn't know I could handle that.
But then all I could think of was Alex's distance earlier, and my inability to get him a gift for Christmas today, and I knew I wanted this for the both of us. I hear the door open and my breath catches in my throat. I thought for a second of just throwing everything off and sliding the miniscule material on, but I was still fully dressed and it wasn't like he took long to find me when he came in the house, usually coming to check I was still alive or something probably.
So that's why he ends up walking in on me grasping a sexy lingerie outfit in my hands, looking nervously up at him.
He doesn't say anything as he approaches me, holding out a hand to help me stand. He takes a long look at what I hold in my hands, and then looks into my eyes, still with no words exchanged. What if he was mad over the whole adopted child situation? Or hurt that I hadn't told him sooner? He definitely wouldn't want me then. Insecurity begins to creep into my thoughts as he still makes not a single move. I'm just about ready to walk away with my head hanging when he takes the lingerie out of my hands and throws it across the room, his hands then returning to my face as he kisses me passionately.
I respond with vigor, wasting no time as I open my mouth to welcome him in and bring my hands up to begin unbuttoning his shirt. He picks me up and I straddle him before we fall onto the bed together, him watching his weight to keep from harming me.
From there it's a flurry of torn off clothing and sensations that I had long since forgotten as he kisses and nibbles his way along my body. The sex isn't like it always used to be between us. It isn't hot and heavy as we roll around the bed and roughly take one another. It was just as passionate, but in an entirely different way. It's slow and loving, and filled with patience and contentment as we both carry on. We move slowly, not rushing any of the processes as we come together and find what we had both sacrificed far too long ago.
My insecurities flee, not worried about how I look as Alex rips my scarf off and throws it to the ground with the rest of my clothes. Not caring about the scars that still marred my body from my many recent surgeries. My mind wasn't filled with myself and my weaknesses though, or fears from Alex's behavior earlier today. The sensations of what was happening right there, between the two of us, took precedence over it all. It was gentle, caring, and utterly perfect. We were man and woman, husband and wife, Alex and Izzie. And we were whole.
Alright, so maybe not the most satisfying chapter ever, and I know there were no answers on Alex's mindset and the Hannah ordeal this chapter but just wait for tomorrow. Also, I don't personally think the last bit requires this to be upped to an M rating, but if any of you think so do let me know. I'll change it if you consider it otherwise. Thanks to everyone for the reviews last chapter, more answers and developments coming soon. I'll see you tomorrow!
