Unscathed
Chapter 11:
"Okay?"
"Yeah," Kate says, smiling at Castle as he helps her walk back to the loft.
She's rid of the brace. She can walk. Well, she can limp, which isn't much better, but she's allowed to bend her leg and take a deep bath and just move. She wants to run. She wants to dance. She…honestly wants to fall asleep for at least six hours.
Just the trip to the hospital and back was exhausting.
"Well look at you," Martha greets, smiling at them from the kitchen. "You look good, kiddo."
"Thanks, Martha," Kate says, nodding to her. "How are you?"
"I'm well, darling," she replies, gesturing to the countertops, which…look like the set of a cooking show. "Alexis decided to make cookies."
"For how many people?" Castle wonders, guiding Kate into the kitchen.
He actually lifts her onto one of the barstools. She glares at him and he merely kisses her head, walking around to the fridge. Martha smothers a laugh and begins counting the cooling cookie sheets.
Chocolate chip, sugar, snickerdoodle, gingerbread—the girl has gone all out.
"I would say enough for a small battalion," Martha decides.
"And where is the master chef?" Castle asks as he passes Kate a protein drink. He then tosses her a mini-packet of Ritz crackers.
"You do know this isn't milk, right?" she asks, opening the packet and crunching on a cracker.
He eyes the protein drink. "You need to snack more."
Kate rolls her eyes and looks over as Alexis tromps down the stairs, her hair damp. She smiles as she spots Kate.
"You're back!" She walks over to steal one of her crackers. Kate doesn't miss the way she seems to suddenly be breathing better, the way Martha's eyes seem to soften.
"Hey," Castle protests, tossing her a packet. "No sharing. Calories are for one person."
"But if she eats my fries and I drink her milkshake neither of us has to count the calories," Alexis says, sliding into the seat next to Kate's.
"Or you could start on this…cookie army you've made," Castle suggests.
Alexis laughs. "I got into it."
"May I?" Martha asks, reaching for a snickerdoodle. Alexis nods, then waits eagerly as Martha takes her first bite. The woman groans in approval and Alexis smiles, ducking her head and stuffing her face with crackers.
"So, you're crutchless," she says, turning to Kate once she's finished chewing.
"I am." She pushes the protein drink toward Alexis, laughing as Castle sighs and moves toward the fridge again. "I thought maybe this afternoon we could go out."
"Out where?" Castle wonders, tossing Alexis her own drink.
"Just out," Kate says with a shrug. "Take in some sunlight, see the world, be outside."
"You're both doing well with weight but you're still rather pale," Martha agrees.
"We have a balcony," Castle says quickly.
"I want to walk," Kate argues. "Not far. Even just around the block, or to go get more flour, since someone used all of it."
Alexis looks over guiltily. "Did you need that?"
"You're the one who wanted chicken parm," Kate replies. Alexis bites her lip. "Right. So. We need flour. Or at least we do if I'm making it."
"Now?" Alexis asks.
Kate shakes her head. "I need a nap. But later?"
The girl nods slowly and turns back to her crackers. Kate goes to ask if she's all right, but Martha sweeps them all up in a story about her acting studio, and by the time she thinks about it again, Alexis is disappearing up the stairs and Castle is leading her back to his room.
"You think Alexis is okay?" Kate asks as she settles onto the bed.
"Yeah—well, no, but yes?" Castle offers, wincing. "I mean, today she seems okay."
"Yeah," Kate agrees. "I like your bed."
He laughs. "I like you in my bed."
"Nap with me?"
He smiles and nods, walking around to climb under the throw blanket. She grins and scooches up to him, turning on her side for the first time in a week, and finally, finally, melding herself into his side, an arm thrown over his chest.
"Oh," he lets out, covering her arm with his. "Hi."
"Hi," she mumbles into his chest.
"Comfy?"
"You are a good pillow," she decides.
He laughs, the sound rumbling under her ear. "Glad you're finally taking advantage."
She stills beside him. She knows what he means, knows he's referring to her recovery. But it sets something on edge in her chest—all the things that have gone unsaid.
"Castle," she says, trying to pull herself up to look at him. She groans. So she's not fully there yet.
"Kate?" he asks, turning slightly, a gap of space opening between them so he can look down at her. He places a hand gingerly on her side. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she says, nodding as she gets her hand under her cheek, props her head up. "I just—you've been really…great," she offers lamely. It's not the right adjective. "Um, you've been really good at this," she tries again.
"At?" he prompts, his brow furrowed.
"At helping me recover, and taking care of Alexis, and letting me stay here, but I—" she pauses and meets his eyes, trying to figure it out in her head. "The day we were abducted, I was on my way over here."
He nods slowly. They've touched on this, or she supposes Alexis has. They were taken midway down his block, so it's fairly obvious she was in the area to begin with.
"I…I wanted to talk," she says, shaking her head. "I don't know how to do this, retroactively," she admits.
"You were on your way over here to talk?" he says gently, smiling at her in encouragement.
"I just—I wanted to know what was wrong," she offers. "I knew something was off, but you wouldn't say what. I didn't—I didn't know you'd heard me. Alexis told me." He stares at her, his smiling slowly fading. "Before that case, I was going to, well, I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how. And then you overheard me, and I didn't know it, but I lost my chance and I just—I want—I don't know what I want," she peters off with a sigh.
She reaches up and brushes the hair out of his eyes. "I just want to make sure we're okay, I guess," she decides. "I should have told you. I know that. You know that. I just—things happened so fast in the hospital, and now I'm here, and we haven't talked."
His face lightens, his smile returning and he turns his cheek to kiss her palm. "Kate Beckett actually initiating a relationship conversation?"
She bristles at that. "Hey. I wanted to talk to you before that interrogation, and then you kept blowing me off."
He considers her, puffing up before deflating. "Yeah. I got mad," he admits.
"But you're not anymore," she says. Obviously not, if he's in bed with her.
He shakes his head. "You saved my kid."
Kate recoils, wincing at the pain of it. But no. No. Their relationship can't be built on that.
"My protecting Alexis and you forgiving me for lying aren't the same. That—that can't be your reason," Kate says.
Castle sighs. "No, I meant—Kate, stop," he says as she pulls herself up to sit against the headboard, half the bed between them.
"I don't want to wake up in two months and have that anger come back, Castle. I didn't protect her so you'd love me again."
He gapes at her, scrambling to sit cross-legged next to her. "Hey, I never—I never stopped loving you," he says, reaching for her hand. She lets him take it. "I tried," he admits. "But it didn't—it doesn't work like that."
"But you wanted it to," she says. "I hurt you enough that you wanted to."
He looks down at their hands and threads their fingers together. "It hurt, I'm not going to lie about that," he says, meeting her eyes. "And I went with the hurt instead of trying to fix it. If I'd confronted you, would you have told me?"
She stares at him. She thinks she would have. "Yeah," she offers. "It wouldn't have been pretty."
He nods. "I think I just—I wanted a clean break. I didn't think I could have heard you say you didn't feel the same way at that point."
"Castle!"
"What?" he protests. "I told you I loved you, and you pretended not to remember. I…jumped to a conclusion."
"A bad one," she insists.
"Apparently," he agrees, giving her a tight smile. "It made sense at the time."
"No it didn't," she exclaims. "I—" she pauses. She thought she'd been giving him all these signs, all these moments and gestures. "I guess it did," she mumbles. "I'm sorry, Castle."
"No, hey, wait," he says, scooting closer so his knees bump hers. "I look back, and I—I was a dick." She huffs. "I should have talked to you. You tried."
She nods slowly. She did. She did try. And he went out with a flight attendant.
"I didn't sleep with her."
"Good," falls out of her mouth before she can stop it, and he laughs. It's a broken, small sound, but he smiles at her.
"When you went missing," he starts, shifting close enough to rest his palm on her thigh. "I tried to stay angry. I did," he admits. "But after just one day, I wanted you there. I wanted you there to hold my hand and tell me Alexis was coming back." Kate meets his eyes then. "And you were gone, and I realized that there wasn't a way to turn off those feelings. You were the first person I wanted, the only person I wanted there. Whether or not you loved me back didn't matter after that," he says.
"Castle," she whispers.
He smiles. "We got you back. Well, you got you back. I'm sorry I was a jerk," he says softly.
"I'm sorry I lied," she says immediately.
He shakes his head. "You've said that already. Multiple times. Very sweetly."
"I know," she agrees. "Still bears saying."
He leans in and presses his lips to hers, cradling her cheek with one hand. "You can stop now," he whispers, resting their foreheads together. "All I wanted was you, because you are the person I want with me through the good things and the bad things. You brought my daughter back. You brought you back. We're good, Kate."
She nods against his forehead, blinking back the moisture in her eyes. She's really not a crier. She's not.
"I love you," she says.
He smiles and kisses her nose. "I love you too. Can we nap now?"
She laughs and pushes on him, letting him rearrange them back into their cuddle. This time, her chest is light and his arm is solid and she can breathe. They're good.
He loves her, and they're good.
(…)
"Alexis?" Kate says gently, touching the girl's elbow.
They've made it about a quarter of the way down the block. The sun is shining brightly, the sky is a beautiful blue, and Alexis Castle is shaking.
The girl stands rooted to the spot, staring ahead.
"Alexis," Kate repeats, stepping around to face her. Castle watches from a few feet away. "Hey," Kate says, touching the girl's cheek.
"Oh," Alexis mumbles, meeting Kate's eyes. She only starts shaking harder. "I, um."
"What's wrong?" Kate prompts, taking her hands. "Can you—" She recognizes this spot. This is where she stopped when she heard Alexis screaming.
Shit. She didn't realize the store Castle suggested was the one Alexis had been headed to when she was abducted.
"Alexis," she says softly. "Tyson's dead." Alexis nods, squeezing her hands. "No one is going to take you." She gets another nod for that. "Your dad and I are here. I've got my back-up piece. We're safe."
"He just grabbed me," Alexis whispers. "Got his hand around my neck and dragged me into the alley. I was so surprised, I didn't scream until I was already off the street and he was jamming the gun into my head."
Kate nods and pulls her into a hug, noting the way people are staring at them as they pass by. Some of them slow, recognizing them. Castle moves closer, shielding them with his body.
"It was hard to breathe," Alexis tells her, sucking in air in shorter and shorter bursts.
"He's gone," Kate promises. "Can you come back inside?"
"Flour," Alexis mumbles.
"Castle can go get it," Kate says, meeting his eyes. He nods slowly. "We'll meet him upstairs."
"I'll be back in ten minutes," he tells them, kissing Alexis' head and passing his keys to Kate before jogging down the street.
"Come on," Kate says, wrapping her arm around Alexis and guiding her back up the street and into Castle's building. The doorman gives them a concerned look but she shakes her head, maneuvering the shaking teen over to the elevator.
"We're home," Kate says, ushering her into the elevator. The doors close and she notes Alexis' breathing deepen just a hair. "You're safe," she says, keeping her arm around the girl and squeezing. "You're going to be fine."
You're fine. You're safe. Everything's okay. She's hated the phrases for a year, hated counting her breaths and focusing on her heartbeat, hated learning to self-calm and self-soothe against the harsh world. But now, with Alexis having what she can only assume is a very intense panic attack, she's glad she was shot in the heart.
She can help.
"Okay," she says gently, opening the door to the loft. "We're home. See?"
Alexis nods numbly and lets Kate guide her over to the couch. She lets Kate sit her down. Alexis leans into Kate's side immediately once she's seated, still shaking, gripping at her hand.
"Tell me where you are."
"Home," Alexis mumbles.
"Where at home?"
Alexis turns and looks at her in confusion. "Couch. Living room."
"Good," Kate says, smiling at her. "What does it smell like?"
"Cookies," the girl replies slowly.
"What kind did you make?"
"Um," Alexis huffs, taking a deeper breath as she thinks it over. "Chocolate chip, snickerdoodle, sugar—because dad likes them. Gingersnap?"
"Does your dad like to put frosting on the sugar cookies?"
"Yeah," Alexis says, shaking her head. "He made himself sick once."
"I can imagine," Kate offers, tapping on Alexis' knees to get the girl to swing them over her thighs. She runs her fingers through Alexis' hair, smiling as she feels the kid's ribs expand and retract, her breath warm on Kate's shoulder. "How you feelin'?"
Alexis sighs and burrows her head into Kate's shoulder. "How many people saw me?"
"That doesn't matter," Kate says immediately. "How are you feeling?"
"Stupid," Alexis mutters.
"Hey," Kate protests, pulling back to meet her eyes. "You aren't stupid."
"It's just an alleyway," Alexis says, her voice low and tight.
"Where you were abducted," Kate says clearly, wincing as Alexis flinches. "You get to be upset by it. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner."
"I should be able to walk to the store," Alexis says. "I should want to go outside."
Kate considers her. She hadn't realized that Alexis' penchant for movie marathons and reading had been avoidance of the outside world. She'd assumed the girl was just as tired as she herself was—had no more energy to leave the house than to change into something other than sweatpants.
"Did you think this was going to happen?" Kate asks gently.
"I—no." Alexis shrugs. "I just felt…off. But I wanted to. You said sun and outside and I—I want to go out. I just—I'm," she breaks off and meet Kate's eyes, beseeching.
"Scared?" Kate offers. Alexis nods shyly. "That's okay. That's normal. Anyone would be."
"You're not," Alexis says immediately.
"Of going outside? No," Kate agrees. "Of facing down guns pointed at my chest? You saw me have panic attacks about my scars."
"But you—you're a detective. How can you…be a detective and be afraid of guns?"
Kate sighs and curls the kid back to her shoulder. "Your dad can tell you that the first time I was up against a suspect with a gun after the shooting, I totally froze. The next time, your dad talked me through it. After that, I talked myself through it."
"How?" Alexis whispers, her hand wrapped into Kate's shirt—an over-small Wonder Woman shirt she pilfered from Castle.
"You got this," Kate tells her, turning to kiss her forehead.
"What?"
"I say, 'you got this' to myself."
"You…do?"
"Well, your dad said it first," Kate admits with a smile. "And maybe I just remember him saying it, and believe him." Alexis smiles into her shoulder. "So, you got this, Alexis. You're going to get through this."
"Okay," Alexis whispers, her head going heavy against Kate's shoulder.
"Would you like to go to my therapist tomorrow?" Kate asks, rubbing her shoulder.
"I should, shouldn't I?"
"Only if you want to," Kate says immediately. She definitely should, but forcing the kid into therapy won't work unless she wants to go. God knows Kate didn't think she needed it until she froze for the first time.
"You'll come with me?"
"We can do a joint session," Kate says, shifting to dig her cell phone out of her pocket. "I'll call now."
"Okay," Alexis whispers.
Kate quietly makes the call, scheduling an appointment for the early afternoon the next day. She rubs Alexis' calf after hanging up and leans her head against the teen's.
The door opens and she looks over as Castle quietly enters the loft, dropping a shopping bag onto the chair in the entry way before walking over to them. He sits down on the coffee table and smiles gently at his kid.
"How you doin'?" he asks her.
"I'm okay," Alexis says, huddling into Kate. "I guess…I'll be okay?"
"You will," Kate promises. "Right, Castle?"
"Of course," he says immediately, before considering them. "Maybe—maybe you might want to—"
"Go see Dr. Burke?" Alexis asks, managing a small smile. "Kate just called."
Castle sighs. "Two steps ahead of me, huh?"
Kate shakes her head and smiles. "Just more proactive than before," she offers.
He cocks his head, and she watches as his eyes widen. He nods and reaches out to squeeze Alexis' knee. "I'm going to start prepping for dinner."
"It's like three," Alexis protests.
"Aren't you hungry?" he entices. Alexis blushes and buries her face in Kate's shoulder. Castle grins. "Chicken parmesan coming up. You," he says to Kate as she opens her mouth. She'd been planning to cook. "Just sit and be beautiful."
Alexis huffs as Kate laughs at Castle's cheeky grin. He stands and kisses both of their heads before heading out of the living room.
"I think he's the one who's got it," Alexis mumbles.
Kate laughs. "Yeah, well, let's only tell him that when we need to, huh? His head will swell."
"Already swollen," Alexis says, yawning. "M'tired."
"Panic attacks will do that to you," Kate says. "You can sleep, if you're comfortable."
Alexis nods and shifts a little closer before going heavy against her. Kate hums and rocks them side to side. She'll end up laying the kid down, but she remembers this—remembers the exhaustion and empty feeling left in the wake of an attack. Remembers wanting someone there to hold her and sing her to sleep, someone to make her feel safe.
Her someone is currently clumsily moving through the kitchen. She's happy to be Alexis' for a while.
