Title: Shadows and Regrets
PART ELEVEN
Dawn was sitting under the beech tree when the others got back. Xander was trying to look brave but Dawn could tell that he was badly shaken. Tara and Willow were holding hands but it was more like Willow was pulling her along.
"Well, that's one pair of underwear I can throw out," said Xander. No one laughed. "Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood."
"Where's Karen?" asked Willow.
"She's gone," sighed Dawn.
"But, but we haven't helped her yet!" said Willow.
"I don't think she wants our help. She's having a major guilt trip over what she did, how she fooled us. This is her way of punishing herself," shrugged Dawn.
"Maybe we can find her grave on our own?" suggested Xander. He saw the doubt on everyone's face. "No, I don't suppose we could."
"She said we'd never find it," frowned Dawn.
"I noticed that she kept glancing at the lake but wouldn't really look at it. I wonder if she's out there somewhere," said Tara, looking out at the water.
"Hence the never finding," added Xander.
"Guys, we've got to find Faith. She doesn't know it wasn't Buffy," said Dawn.
"Um, Dawn? It'll be light soon," frowned Anya, still clinging to Xander's arm.
"I don't care," replied Dawn firmly. "And Xander, how was Giles when you left him? Karen was major wigged about what she did to him."
"What she did? She only lied to him, right?" asked Willow.
"He seemed a little dazed, but...well, let's go see. Someone should stay at the house in case Faith comes back anyway," said Xander.
"What do you mean dazed? He didn't say anything?" asked Dawn.
"Uh, he did mumble something about being famous for being the only Watcher to lose two Slayers. Giles wasn't making much sense, Dawn," said Xander.
"Yes, he was," sighed Dawn.
Dawn looked back at the lake one last time before they left.
*****
The sound of the motorcycle woke Tara. She had dozed off on the sofa. It took a moment but then she remembered that she was alone. Xander and Anya had taken the car to look for Giles, Dawn had insisted on going with Willow to look for Faith.
"Matthieu?" she said, getting up and running to the door.
There was a faint tapping on the front door. Tara wasn't even sure that she had heard it. Cautiously she eased the door open and he eyes grew wide in surprise. Faith stood there, eyes unfocused as if she wasn't aware of where she was and swaying unsteadily on her feet. Her chin, her cheeks, her hands all were covered in blood.
"Faith! Are, are you hurt?"
"Can I come in?" whispered Faith, not looking at Tara's face.
"You...you don't need an invite. Dawn's already welcomed you in. Faith, the sun's coming up. You'd better..."
"Can I come in?" repeated Faith flatly.
Tara noticed that smoke was rising from Faith's back so she grabbed her wrist and forcefully pulled her inside, slamming the door shut behind them. Faith stumbled over to the nearest wall, put her back against it and slid down into a sitting position.
"Faith..."
"I, I know I could come in...but I didn't know...if I was welcome. If I was wanted," added Faith, looking up blankly at Tara. Tara knelt down beside her and gently put a hand on Faith's arm, trying not to stare at the blood on Faith's mouth.
"I...I didn't know where to go," said Faith, wrapping her arms around herself.
"Faith, tell me what happened."
Faith's face scrunched up in pain and her lower lip began to tremble. Soon her entire body began to shake. Tara winced in sympathy but couldn't take her eyes from the blood on Faith's mouth.
"Did...did you kill someone?" asked Tara softly.
Faith nodded twice very slowly and began to cry. Tara turned and sat down beside her, putting her arm across her shoulders.
"Okay, we'll deal with this. Everything's going to work out, you'll see," comforted Tara.
"You...you don't understand," mumbled Faith.
"No, no of course I can't. But I, I can help," offered Tara, wishing very much that Willow or Dawn was here now. Or even Anya. "I know, let's call Matthieu. I'm sure he'll come over and..."
Faith's eyes froze Tara with a mixture of terror and ache. Tara pulled her arm away from Faith without realizing she had done it.
"No," whispered Tara. "Faith...no. You didn't."
Faith pulled her knees up into her chest and hid her face in her hands, her body rocked by silent sobs as she fought for control. And fighting every instinct her body demanded, the revulsion, the overwhelming urge to simply run out that door...Tara stiffly reached over and pulled Faith to her, holding the Slayer's head against her warm body. Faith resisted at first but then gave in and desperately clung to Tara, letting the tears free. Tara bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, shaking her head.
"I'm so sorry, Faith," was all she could manage.
"You...you don't understand. He was going to die. I, I couldn't wait...the sun...he didn't want to be alone. Tara, he didn't...he was so scared," sobbed Faith.
"Faith, you didn't...what I mean is, um...is he...Faith. Did you turn him?" asked Tara, closing her eyes for strength but quickly opening them.
Faith slowly pulled away, afraid to look at her.
"Faith, you didn't," winced Tara.
Faith raised her eyes, meeting Tara's. The fear was gone. Tara only saw sadness and pain. Faith slowly shook her head.
"No. But I wanted to. I so wanted to," whispered Faith. Tara held her arms open again and Faith fell into them.
"The others are so worried. They're out there looking for you, right now. I'm sure they'll be back soon," said Tara. "Faith, it wasn't her. It wasn't Buffy."
Faith lifted her head, sniffed and looked at Tara.
"It wasn't her. It was a ghost and, and she was afraid of you. Because a vampire killed her. But it wasn't Buffy," smiled Tara. "So all those things she said? None of it was true. It wasn't Buffy."
"Why?"
"She needed our help. To find others who were killed with her. We freed them, but...but she didn't tell us where she was buried. I think she's having some regrets," sighed Tara.
Faith shook her head and leaned back against the wall.
"Faith, how did Matthieu die? Can...can you talk about it? Do you want to?"
Faith violently shook her head.
"Where's his...where is he?" whispered Tara.
"On the beach. Oh, Tara! I didn't even have time to bury him. He's still there...just laying there," sniffed Faith.
"As soon as they get back we'll go out there. We'll take care of him," promised Tara.
Faith stopped crying. She stared coldly at Tara.
"Why did Willow do that spell? What was it meant to do?" asked Faith slowly and evenly.
"Oh, um, it was just to keep you busy. So that you wouldn't try to stop us."
Tara waited for a reaction from Faith but she just kept staring back at her.
"Any undead near you would be attracted to you. Well, you are the Slayer and..."
Tara stopped talking. Faith was no longer upset. She was grinding her teeth. She was angry. Very angry.
"Matthieu was with you," whispered Tara.
"Yes, he was. Wow, it didn't occur to anyone that he might be with me?" glared Faith.
Tara swallowed and stared at Faith but she couldn't say anything.
"That's right, Tara. Your girlfriend killed him, no different than if she had slit his throat with her own hand."
Tara began to shiver, suddenly very afraid of the girl sitting next to her.
"F-F-Faith, she, she didn't kn-know," gasped Tara.
Faith's eyes grew wide with the realization that Tara was terrified of her. No, not of her but of what she might do. Faith slowly closed her eyes and turned her back to Tara to hide her face.
"Faith?" whispered Tara, afraid to even move.
"It's just like before. You fear me."
Tara didn't say anything, both out of fear and out of shame, knowing Faith was right. The front door burst open and Dawn ran in.
"Tara, I saw the bike...Faith! You're..."
Dawn took a step towards Faith and froze, thrown both by the blood on Faith's face and how Tara was cowering next to her. She glanced at Tara's neck and was relieved to see that Faith hadn't bit her. And she looked down for a moment, mortified that she could think Faith might harm Tara. The look wasn't lost on Faith. She understood.
Faith slowly stood up.
"Faith," said Dawn, taking another step towards her. But Faith was ignoring Dawn. She was staring at Willow with a hatred so intent and obvious that Willow took a step back so that she would be in the morning sun.
Faith calmly walked past Dawn and stopped in front of Willow, eyes never leaving the witch. Licking the blood on the palm of her hand, she spit on the ground at Willow's feet and then turned and walked up the stairs to her room.
Willow looked at Dawn and then they both looked at Tara.
"Matthieu's dead," announced Tara, leaning her head back against the wall. Willow's mouth dropped open and she looked up at the top of the stairs.
"No. No!" cried Dawn. Willow reached out to try to stop her but Dawn broke free and ran upstairs.
"Dawn, wait!"
Willow looked back at Tara as she stood up.
"Tara, what happened?"
Tara wouldn't look at her. She turned around and walked into the kitchen.
"Tara?"
*****
"Is he drunk?" asked Pat.
"No. The doctor believes he's in shock. Physically he's fine. What he needs is to rest. It's been a long time since Rupert has had a vacation. I think he's earned one, don't you?" asked Quentin Travers.
Pat ignored him. Instead she watched as Xander sat on the couch next to Giles, trying for conversation but for the most part simply talking to himself.
"A couple of weeks back home is what he needs. You'll see. Funny, isn't it?" asked Travers.
"Funny?" repeated Pat out of the side of her mouth. "What could possibly be funny?"
"Yes. The Council was right about Giles. He sorely needed a rest. All this intrigue and scheming about how they might, ah, encourage him to retire. They got what they wanted without having to implement any of their plans. Life is funny that way sometimes."
"Their plans?" said Pat coldly.
"Yes, their plans. Oh, come now. Surely you don't think I had anything to do with this childish scheming? Rupert and I go way back," smiled Travers.
Pat glared at him and then looked back at Giles. Xander glanced in her direction but quickly looked away in disgust. Pat lowered her head and spoke without looking up.
"Aren't you going to let him see Faith before he goes?" she asked.
"I don't think that would be wise, given the circumstances," replied Travers.
"That's just it. We don't know what the circumstances are. We don't know what happened," said Pat, an edge to her voice.
"That's not your concern. You have a job to do," scolded Travers. "This is your town now, Pat. Congratulations."
Pat turned and left the room without looking at him. Xander noticed her leaving but wouldn't leave Giles.
"Am...am I going home?" stuttered Giles absently.
"Yes. For a little while. Just to get some rest," answered Xander.
"Yes. Procedure. Must maintain...but, but I won't be here when she gets back!" said Giles, suddenly getting agitated.
"When who comes back, Giles?" asked Xander, putting a hand on his arm to calm him.
"Buffy. She's on patrol. Oh, she gets in late sometimes. Never did tell her how much I worry about her. I should tell her. But she comes back. She always comes home," nodded Giles, ignoring Xander's tightening grip on his arm.
Xander let go of Giles' arm. He sat there in stunned silence.
"She's not back yet, is she?" asked Giles anxiously, finally looking at Xander.
"No. Not yet. But Buffy, she...she knows how to take care of herself. She'll be alright. We'll all be alright," managed Xander, forcing the words.
Giles smiled and went back to staring at the floor.
*****
Dawn quietly pulled the door shut behind her and looked up at Willow and Tara. She shook her head once and glanced down at the hairbrush she held in her hand.
"It's like she's not there. She won't even look at me. I told her everything, explained it twice. Nothing. Even combed her hair...Faith just sits there, staring at nothing."
Dawn took a deep breath and twirled the brush in her hand.
"I told her how sorry I was," shrugged Dawn.
"Did you tell her about Giles?" asked Tara.
"Not everything. But I told her how worried he is. Not that we really know. And...and I hinted kinda strongly what this did to him," sighed Dawn. "I don't think Faith's ready to hear the rest."
"Want me to try?" asked Willow.
"No!" said both Dawn and Tara at the same time. Willow's eye's shouted her dismay.
"It's just that, well...Faith's emotions are all over the place right now. And I don't think she's afraid of you anymore so potentially bad combination there," frowned Dawn.
Willow pouted and sulked away, going downstairs. Tara smiled and quickly covered her mouth with her hand.
"What could possibly be funny?" asked Dawn.
"Funny? Oh, no. Not funny. And bad timing and all. It's just, um...she's got the cutest pout," smiled Tara. Dawn rolled her eyes.
"Tara, you think everything she does is cute. Like that time she used asterisks for her password on the computer!"
"Yeah," giggled Tara. But her smile quickly faded.
"That seems like such a long time ago," pouted Tara, glancing back behind her after Willow. "Now she thinks all I do is cling to her, like...sorry. Not your problem."
Dawn nodded, somewhat embarrassed.
"I'm going to try again. If she won't listen to me...well, she has to. It's that simple," nodded Dawn.
"Good luck," encouraged Tara.
Dawn pushed the door open and peered in. Faith was sitting on the floor next to the bed with her knees drawn up but didn't look over at her. Dawn shut the door behind her and sat down not at Faith's side but directly in front of her. Faith ignored her.
"You hungry? I could go get you something," offered Dawn softly. Faith still didn't look at her but there was the slightest wince of pain around her eyes. Dawn tossed the brush she held onto the bed.
"Everyone thinks that it wasn't Buffy. But...I'm not so sure anymore. See, this girl...well, she really wasn't thinking of herself. She put other's needs ahead of her own. And that's something my sister always did. Shouldn't surprise you. Buffy was a Slayer. Like you. This Karen seems to have had a little bit of that in her too, I guess."
Faith still showed no signs that she had even heard Dawn.
"And you know what? Karen's lying to us. She knows where her grave is...but she wants to punish herself. She doesn't think she deserves to be saved because of the things she's done. To others...to herself. Yeah, there's a little bit of Slayer in that girl."
For the first time Faith looked at Dawn. Dawn gave her the smallest of grateful smiles.
"I already lost one sister," whispered Dawn. "I don't think I could go on if I lost my other sister."
Faith bit her lower lip and looked down. Dawn sat there for a moment then wiped her eyes with her hand. She stood up and walked to the door, pausing without looking back.
"If what Karen told us is true, tonight is probably the last night she'd be able to appear to anyone. When you regret something, need to be forgiven...well, sometimes that's the hardest thing for anyone to ask for, you know?" said Dawn, choking back tears.
Dawn left the room and the door clicked shut behind her. Faith closed her eyes.
*****
Willow paused in front of the door and took a deep breath, glancing down at the cup in her hands and trying not to spill its contents onto the carpet. She raised her hand to knock on the door but hesitated, her eyebrows knitting together.
"Faith?" called out Willow, grabbing the door handle and slowly pushing open the door. Dawn was sitting on the bed.
"She's gone," said Dawn.
"Gone? But I was downstairs and I didn't..."
Dawn nodded towards the open window.
"Oh."
"Look, she even made the bed. Faith never makes her bed," said Dawn, suddenly fighting back tears. "She's not coming back, is she?"
Willow set the cup down on the floor and ran over to Dawn, sitting by her side.
"Of course she will," comforted Willow, putting an arm around Dawn.
"She didn't even say goodbye," sniffed Dawn.
"Well, there you go! She wouldn't go without saying goodbye. And she's not going. She wouldn't leave you, Dawnie. You know that," smiled Willow. Dawn smiled hopefully.
"I'm sure she just needed to patrol, let off a little steam. Probably smacking around some poor demon and seeing my face while she's doing it," grinned Willow. This time Dawn did smile.
"That poor demon," whispered Willow, shaking her head.
*****
Faith stood at the end of the grave, trying to summon the courage to look up at the headstone.
"Hey. Yeah, me again."
Faith hesitated, unsure of how to go on.
"Sure wish you had come back. They would've listened to you."
Faith shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Just wanted to tell you that Dawn's doing good. She really is. She's strong, like you...were. And I know I promised to watch over her. I'm keeping that promise. I am. It's just, see...I need some time alone, time to sort all this stuff out in my head. I'm not running away. I'm not."
Faith paused, wondering if she was lying to herself.
"I've heard a lot of harsh things about me lately. Maybe they're true. Hell, at least some of it is. So I need...shit, I don't know what I need. But Spike will look after Dawnie while I'm gone. And the others won't mind him being around. Not now. You can trust him with her. I do."
Faith waited but the night was quiet and held no answers for her.
"Well, I said what I needed to say. Be seein' ya."
Faith stepped away from the grave but immediately turned back.
"Um, about that be seein' ya part. I didn't mean the actual seeing, okay? 'Cause I really couldn't handle that right now."
Faith smiled.
"Guess you knew that. I know I've tried to say this before and...and I've tried to show you and, and the others," sniffed Faith, forcing the words out. "I really tried. But I don't know how or...hey, who am I kidding? I can never be forgiven. That's my burden now. You don't need to hear that. But I am sorry. I needed to say that one last time."
Faith stared at the headstone, tears now in her eyes. She tenderly ran her fingers across the cold stone.
"Goodbye, Joyce."
*****
Faith ran her hand along the smooth surface of the beech tree. She guessed that she had been standing there for about twenty minutes. And that was about twenty minutes longer than she liked.
"Alright, Buffy or Karen or whoever the hell you are. You know I'm here so show yourself!"
Faith slowly turned in a circle. The night was quiet. She was alone.
"Look, I got until sunrise. So show yourself! You owe me that much, bitch! I'll be back tomorrow night...and the night after that...I know you're stuck here, so basically I guess you could say I'm going to haunt you until..."
Faith didn't see her but suddenly knew that she wasn't alone. She looked back over her shoulder and there she stood, an arm's reach away by the water's edge. Even though Faith had prepared herself for this, seeing Buffy...or what looked like her...was almost unbearably painful. She forced herself not to look away, forced herself not to run to this girl and hug her fiercely.
"What do you want?" challenged Buffy coldly.
"I want to help you," answered Faith.
"I don't want your help. Now leave me."
"Or what, you'll huff and you'll puff and you'll blow an icy wind at me, maybe rattle a few bones? Look sister, I'm dead too so you ain't going to scare me, okay?" laughed Faith, one hand nonchalantly on her hip.
Buffy ignored her but continued to stare at Faith.
"You want peace? Well so do I! I've got enough guilt shackled to me to make Jacob Marley look like a saint and I don't need you to add another link to my chain. We both know that if you want your body found, I'm the only one who should do it," said Faith, jamming her thumb to her chest.
Buffy looked down for a moment as if she were embarrassed.
"And I'm the only one who can, right?" asked Faith, nodding towards the lake.
"Why?" asked Buffy, her voice less than a whisper.
"I'm not what you think I am. I'm a Slayer. It's..."
Faith paused and then smiled.
"It's my nature to help people. It's what I do."
"I still don't understand. You...you're a vampire," winced Buffy, stating the obvious.
"Okay, I'll cut ya a little slack with that 'cause I'd be wicked pissed too if the thing that killed me was standing in front of me."
Faith frowned and lowered her voice, pleading with Buffy to understand, to make the connection.
"I'm not like them. I have a soul."
"How?" asked Buffy.
"Long story."
"The vamp who bit you had a soul?"
"Okay, maybe not so long," shrugged Faith.
Buffy closed her eyes. When she opened them Faith saw that she was crying.
"Hey, I'm not asking for anything in return. Just help me...help you. It's a big lake, ya know? I could spend a few nights wading around out there when I could be out hunting down vampires instead," reminded Faith.
Faith waited. Buffy covered her mouth with one hand and nodded. And Faith smiled.
"Thank you," sniffed Buffy. "I'm sorry about..."
"Don't. Don't you dare apologize. Let's just do this," warned Faith, anger rising in her voice. Buffy quickly nodded.
"So, uh...any suggestions?" asked Faith, nodding towards the water.
"Faith, there is something I might be able to give to you in return. I can't promise...but I'll try."
"Yeah? What?"
"After...I mean, I might be able to give a message...to Buffy."
Faith just stared, genuinely thrown.
"Oh. Wow, um...okay, just...just tell her I'm sorry. No. No, let's keep it simple. Just tell her we miss her. And Dawn's okay."
Buffy waited, expecting more, then nodded. Her eyes opened wide as Faith began removing her clothes. Pulling her top over her head, Faith smiled.
"Like what you see?" teased Faith. Buffy shook free of her stare and looked away.
"Didn't know a ghost could blush," laughed Faith, undoing her pants. Buffy still didn't look at her.
"Just don't want to get my clothes wet. Already went for a swim here. And these had better be here when I get back or I'll feed your bones to a certain junkyard dog I know," glared Faith.
Buffy looked upset at first. But then she smiled.
END OF PART ELEVEN
PART ELEVEN
Dawn was sitting under the beech tree when the others got back. Xander was trying to look brave but Dawn could tell that he was badly shaken. Tara and Willow were holding hands but it was more like Willow was pulling her along.
"Well, that's one pair of underwear I can throw out," said Xander. No one laughed. "Sorry. Just trying to lighten the mood."
"Where's Karen?" asked Willow.
"She's gone," sighed Dawn.
"But, but we haven't helped her yet!" said Willow.
"I don't think she wants our help. She's having a major guilt trip over what she did, how she fooled us. This is her way of punishing herself," shrugged Dawn.
"Maybe we can find her grave on our own?" suggested Xander. He saw the doubt on everyone's face. "No, I don't suppose we could."
"She said we'd never find it," frowned Dawn.
"I noticed that she kept glancing at the lake but wouldn't really look at it. I wonder if she's out there somewhere," said Tara, looking out at the water.
"Hence the never finding," added Xander.
"Guys, we've got to find Faith. She doesn't know it wasn't Buffy," said Dawn.
"Um, Dawn? It'll be light soon," frowned Anya, still clinging to Xander's arm.
"I don't care," replied Dawn firmly. "And Xander, how was Giles when you left him? Karen was major wigged about what she did to him."
"What she did? She only lied to him, right?" asked Willow.
"He seemed a little dazed, but...well, let's go see. Someone should stay at the house in case Faith comes back anyway," said Xander.
"What do you mean dazed? He didn't say anything?" asked Dawn.
"Uh, he did mumble something about being famous for being the only Watcher to lose two Slayers. Giles wasn't making much sense, Dawn," said Xander.
"Yes, he was," sighed Dawn.
Dawn looked back at the lake one last time before they left.
*****
The sound of the motorcycle woke Tara. She had dozed off on the sofa. It took a moment but then she remembered that she was alone. Xander and Anya had taken the car to look for Giles, Dawn had insisted on going with Willow to look for Faith.
"Matthieu?" she said, getting up and running to the door.
There was a faint tapping on the front door. Tara wasn't even sure that she had heard it. Cautiously she eased the door open and he eyes grew wide in surprise. Faith stood there, eyes unfocused as if she wasn't aware of where she was and swaying unsteadily on her feet. Her chin, her cheeks, her hands all were covered in blood.
"Faith! Are, are you hurt?"
"Can I come in?" whispered Faith, not looking at Tara's face.
"You...you don't need an invite. Dawn's already welcomed you in. Faith, the sun's coming up. You'd better..."
"Can I come in?" repeated Faith flatly.
Tara noticed that smoke was rising from Faith's back so she grabbed her wrist and forcefully pulled her inside, slamming the door shut behind them. Faith stumbled over to the nearest wall, put her back against it and slid down into a sitting position.
"Faith..."
"I, I know I could come in...but I didn't know...if I was welcome. If I was wanted," added Faith, looking up blankly at Tara. Tara knelt down beside her and gently put a hand on Faith's arm, trying not to stare at the blood on Faith's mouth.
"I...I didn't know where to go," said Faith, wrapping her arms around herself.
"Faith, tell me what happened."
Faith's face scrunched up in pain and her lower lip began to tremble. Soon her entire body began to shake. Tara winced in sympathy but couldn't take her eyes from the blood on Faith's mouth.
"Did...did you kill someone?" asked Tara softly.
Faith nodded twice very slowly and began to cry. Tara turned and sat down beside her, putting her arm across her shoulders.
"Okay, we'll deal with this. Everything's going to work out, you'll see," comforted Tara.
"You...you don't understand," mumbled Faith.
"No, no of course I can't. But I, I can help," offered Tara, wishing very much that Willow or Dawn was here now. Or even Anya. "I know, let's call Matthieu. I'm sure he'll come over and..."
Faith's eyes froze Tara with a mixture of terror and ache. Tara pulled her arm away from Faith without realizing she had done it.
"No," whispered Tara. "Faith...no. You didn't."
Faith pulled her knees up into her chest and hid her face in her hands, her body rocked by silent sobs as she fought for control. And fighting every instinct her body demanded, the revulsion, the overwhelming urge to simply run out that door...Tara stiffly reached over and pulled Faith to her, holding the Slayer's head against her warm body. Faith resisted at first but then gave in and desperately clung to Tara, letting the tears free. Tara bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, shaking her head.
"I'm so sorry, Faith," was all she could manage.
"You...you don't understand. He was going to die. I, I couldn't wait...the sun...he didn't want to be alone. Tara, he didn't...he was so scared," sobbed Faith.
"Faith, you didn't...what I mean is, um...is he...Faith. Did you turn him?" asked Tara, closing her eyes for strength but quickly opening them.
Faith slowly pulled away, afraid to look at her.
"Faith, you didn't," winced Tara.
Faith raised her eyes, meeting Tara's. The fear was gone. Tara only saw sadness and pain. Faith slowly shook her head.
"No. But I wanted to. I so wanted to," whispered Faith. Tara held her arms open again and Faith fell into them.
"The others are so worried. They're out there looking for you, right now. I'm sure they'll be back soon," said Tara. "Faith, it wasn't her. It wasn't Buffy."
Faith lifted her head, sniffed and looked at Tara.
"It wasn't her. It was a ghost and, and she was afraid of you. Because a vampire killed her. But it wasn't Buffy," smiled Tara. "So all those things she said? None of it was true. It wasn't Buffy."
"Why?"
"She needed our help. To find others who were killed with her. We freed them, but...but she didn't tell us where she was buried. I think she's having some regrets," sighed Tara.
Faith shook her head and leaned back against the wall.
"Faith, how did Matthieu die? Can...can you talk about it? Do you want to?"
Faith violently shook her head.
"Where's his...where is he?" whispered Tara.
"On the beach. Oh, Tara! I didn't even have time to bury him. He's still there...just laying there," sniffed Faith.
"As soon as they get back we'll go out there. We'll take care of him," promised Tara.
Faith stopped crying. She stared coldly at Tara.
"Why did Willow do that spell? What was it meant to do?" asked Faith slowly and evenly.
"Oh, um, it was just to keep you busy. So that you wouldn't try to stop us."
Tara waited for a reaction from Faith but she just kept staring back at her.
"Any undead near you would be attracted to you. Well, you are the Slayer and..."
Tara stopped talking. Faith was no longer upset. She was grinding her teeth. She was angry. Very angry.
"Matthieu was with you," whispered Tara.
"Yes, he was. Wow, it didn't occur to anyone that he might be with me?" glared Faith.
Tara swallowed and stared at Faith but she couldn't say anything.
"That's right, Tara. Your girlfriend killed him, no different than if she had slit his throat with her own hand."
Tara began to shiver, suddenly very afraid of the girl sitting next to her.
"F-F-Faith, she, she didn't kn-know," gasped Tara.
Faith's eyes grew wide with the realization that Tara was terrified of her. No, not of her but of what she might do. Faith slowly closed her eyes and turned her back to Tara to hide her face.
"Faith?" whispered Tara, afraid to even move.
"It's just like before. You fear me."
Tara didn't say anything, both out of fear and out of shame, knowing Faith was right. The front door burst open and Dawn ran in.
"Tara, I saw the bike...Faith! You're..."
Dawn took a step towards Faith and froze, thrown both by the blood on Faith's face and how Tara was cowering next to her. She glanced at Tara's neck and was relieved to see that Faith hadn't bit her. And she looked down for a moment, mortified that she could think Faith might harm Tara. The look wasn't lost on Faith. She understood.
Faith slowly stood up.
"Faith," said Dawn, taking another step towards her. But Faith was ignoring Dawn. She was staring at Willow with a hatred so intent and obvious that Willow took a step back so that she would be in the morning sun.
Faith calmly walked past Dawn and stopped in front of Willow, eyes never leaving the witch. Licking the blood on the palm of her hand, she spit on the ground at Willow's feet and then turned and walked up the stairs to her room.
Willow looked at Dawn and then they both looked at Tara.
"Matthieu's dead," announced Tara, leaning her head back against the wall. Willow's mouth dropped open and she looked up at the top of the stairs.
"No. No!" cried Dawn. Willow reached out to try to stop her but Dawn broke free and ran upstairs.
"Dawn, wait!"
Willow looked back at Tara as she stood up.
"Tara, what happened?"
Tara wouldn't look at her. She turned around and walked into the kitchen.
"Tara?"
*****
"Is he drunk?" asked Pat.
"No. The doctor believes he's in shock. Physically he's fine. What he needs is to rest. It's been a long time since Rupert has had a vacation. I think he's earned one, don't you?" asked Quentin Travers.
Pat ignored him. Instead she watched as Xander sat on the couch next to Giles, trying for conversation but for the most part simply talking to himself.
"A couple of weeks back home is what he needs. You'll see. Funny, isn't it?" asked Travers.
"Funny?" repeated Pat out of the side of her mouth. "What could possibly be funny?"
"Yes. The Council was right about Giles. He sorely needed a rest. All this intrigue and scheming about how they might, ah, encourage him to retire. They got what they wanted without having to implement any of their plans. Life is funny that way sometimes."
"Their plans?" said Pat coldly.
"Yes, their plans. Oh, come now. Surely you don't think I had anything to do with this childish scheming? Rupert and I go way back," smiled Travers.
Pat glared at him and then looked back at Giles. Xander glanced in her direction but quickly looked away in disgust. Pat lowered her head and spoke without looking up.
"Aren't you going to let him see Faith before he goes?" she asked.
"I don't think that would be wise, given the circumstances," replied Travers.
"That's just it. We don't know what the circumstances are. We don't know what happened," said Pat, an edge to her voice.
"That's not your concern. You have a job to do," scolded Travers. "This is your town now, Pat. Congratulations."
Pat turned and left the room without looking at him. Xander noticed her leaving but wouldn't leave Giles.
"Am...am I going home?" stuttered Giles absently.
"Yes. For a little while. Just to get some rest," answered Xander.
"Yes. Procedure. Must maintain...but, but I won't be here when she gets back!" said Giles, suddenly getting agitated.
"When who comes back, Giles?" asked Xander, putting a hand on his arm to calm him.
"Buffy. She's on patrol. Oh, she gets in late sometimes. Never did tell her how much I worry about her. I should tell her. But she comes back. She always comes home," nodded Giles, ignoring Xander's tightening grip on his arm.
Xander let go of Giles' arm. He sat there in stunned silence.
"She's not back yet, is she?" asked Giles anxiously, finally looking at Xander.
"No. Not yet. But Buffy, she...she knows how to take care of herself. She'll be alright. We'll all be alright," managed Xander, forcing the words.
Giles smiled and went back to staring at the floor.
*****
Dawn quietly pulled the door shut behind her and looked up at Willow and Tara. She shook her head once and glanced down at the hairbrush she held in her hand.
"It's like she's not there. She won't even look at me. I told her everything, explained it twice. Nothing. Even combed her hair...Faith just sits there, staring at nothing."
Dawn took a deep breath and twirled the brush in her hand.
"I told her how sorry I was," shrugged Dawn.
"Did you tell her about Giles?" asked Tara.
"Not everything. But I told her how worried he is. Not that we really know. And...and I hinted kinda strongly what this did to him," sighed Dawn. "I don't think Faith's ready to hear the rest."
"Want me to try?" asked Willow.
"No!" said both Dawn and Tara at the same time. Willow's eye's shouted her dismay.
"It's just that, well...Faith's emotions are all over the place right now. And I don't think she's afraid of you anymore so potentially bad combination there," frowned Dawn.
Willow pouted and sulked away, going downstairs. Tara smiled and quickly covered her mouth with her hand.
"What could possibly be funny?" asked Dawn.
"Funny? Oh, no. Not funny. And bad timing and all. It's just, um...she's got the cutest pout," smiled Tara. Dawn rolled her eyes.
"Tara, you think everything she does is cute. Like that time she used asterisks for her password on the computer!"
"Yeah," giggled Tara. But her smile quickly faded.
"That seems like such a long time ago," pouted Tara, glancing back behind her after Willow. "Now she thinks all I do is cling to her, like...sorry. Not your problem."
Dawn nodded, somewhat embarrassed.
"I'm going to try again. If she won't listen to me...well, she has to. It's that simple," nodded Dawn.
"Good luck," encouraged Tara.
Dawn pushed the door open and peered in. Faith was sitting on the floor next to the bed with her knees drawn up but didn't look over at her. Dawn shut the door behind her and sat down not at Faith's side but directly in front of her. Faith ignored her.
"You hungry? I could go get you something," offered Dawn softly. Faith still didn't look at her but there was the slightest wince of pain around her eyes. Dawn tossed the brush she held onto the bed.
"Everyone thinks that it wasn't Buffy. But...I'm not so sure anymore. See, this girl...well, she really wasn't thinking of herself. She put other's needs ahead of her own. And that's something my sister always did. Shouldn't surprise you. Buffy was a Slayer. Like you. This Karen seems to have had a little bit of that in her too, I guess."
Faith still showed no signs that she had even heard Dawn.
"And you know what? Karen's lying to us. She knows where her grave is...but she wants to punish herself. She doesn't think she deserves to be saved because of the things she's done. To others...to herself. Yeah, there's a little bit of Slayer in that girl."
For the first time Faith looked at Dawn. Dawn gave her the smallest of grateful smiles.
"I already lost one sister," whispered Dawn. "I don't think I could go on if I lost my other sister."
Faith bit her lower lip and looked down. Dawn sat there for a moment then wiped her eyes with her hand. She stood up and walked to the door, pausing without looking back.
"If what Karen told us is true, tonight is probably the last night she'd be able to appear to anyone. When you regret something, need to be forgiven...well, sometimes that's the hardest thing for anyone to ask for, you know?" said Dawn, choking back tears.
Dawn left the room and the door clicked shut behind her. Faith closed her eyes.
*****
Willow paused in front of the door and took a deep breath, glancing down at the cup in her hands and trying not to spill its contents onto the carpet. She raised her hand to knock on the door but hesitated, her eyebrows knitting together.
"Faith?" called out Willow, grabbing the door handle and slowly pushing open the door. Dawn was sitting on the bed.
"She's gone," said Dawn.
"Gone? But I was downstairs and I didn't..."
Dawn nodded towards the open window.
"Oh."
"Look, she even made the bed. Faith never makes her bed," said Dawn, suddenly fighting back tears. "She's not coming back, is she?"
Willow set the cup down on the floor and ran over to Dawn, sitting by her side.
"Of course she will," comforted Willow, putting an arm around Dawn.
"She didn't even say goodbye," sniffed Dawn.
"Well, there you go! She wouldn't go without saying goodbye. And she's not going. She wouldn't leave you, Dawnie. You know that," smiled Willow. Dawn smiled hopefully.
"I'm sure she just needed to patrol, let off a little steam. Probably smacking around some poor demon and seeing my face while she's doing it," grinned Willow. This time Dawn did smile.
"That poor demon," whispered Willow, shaking her head.
*****
Faith stood at the end of the grave, trying to summon the courage to look up at the headstone.
"Hey. Yeah, me again."
Faith hesitated, unsure of how to go on.
"Sure wish you had come back. They would've listened to you."
Faith shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Just wanted to tell you that Dawn's doing good. She really is. She's strong, like you...were. And I know I promised to watch over her. I'm keeping that promise. I am. It's just, see...I need some time alone, time to sort all this stuff out in my head. I'm not running away. I'm not."
Faith paused, wondering if she was lying to herself.
"I've heard a lot of harsh things about me lately. Maybe they're true. Hell, at least some of it is. So I need...shit, I don't know what I need. But Spike will look after Dawnie while I'm gone. And the others won't mind him being around. Not now. You can trust him with her. I do."
Faith waited but the night was quiet and held no answers for her.
"Well, I said what I needed to say. Be seein' ya."
Faith stepped away from the grave but immediately turned back.
"Um, about that be seein' ya part. I didn't mean the actual seeing, okay? 'Cause I really couldn't handle that right now."
Faith smiled.
"Guess you knew that. I know I've tried to say this before and...and I've tried to show you and, and the others," sniffed Faith, forcing the words out. "I really tried. But I don't know how or...hey, who am I kidding? I can never be forgiven. That's my burden now. You don't need to hear that. But I am sorry. I needed to say that one last time."
Faith stared at the headstone, tears now in her eyes. She tenderly ran her fingers across the cold stone.
"Goodbye, Joyce."
*****
Faith ran her hand along the smooth surface of the beech tree. She guessed that she had been standing there for about twenty minutes. And that was about twenty minutes longer than she liked.
"Alright, Buffy or Karen or whoever the hell you are. You know I'm here so show yourself!"
Faith slowly turned in a circle. The night was quiet. She was alone.
"Look, I got until sunrise. So show yourself! You owe me that much, bitch! I'll be back tomorrow night...and the night after that...I know you're stuck here, so basically I guess you could say I'm going to haunt you until..."
Faith didn't see her but suddenly knew that she wasn't alone. She looked back over her shoulder and there she stood, an arm's reach away by the water's edge. Even though Faith had prepared herself for this, seeing Buffy...or what looked like her...was almost unbearably painful. She forced herself not to look away, forced herself not to run to this girl and hug her fiercely.
"What do you want?" challenged Buffy coldly.
"I want to help you," answered Faith.
"I don't want your help. Now leave me."
"Or what, you'll huff and you'll puff and you'll blow an icy wind at me, maybe rattle a few bones? Look sister, I'm dead too so you ain't going to scare me, okay?" laughed Faith, one hand nonchalantly on her hip.
Buffy ignored her but continued to stare at Faith.
"You want peace? Well so do I! I've got enough guilt shackled to me to make Jacob Marley look like a saint and I don't need you to add another link to my chain. We both know that if you want your body found, I'm the only one who should do it," said Faith, jamming her thumb to her chest.
Buffy looked down for a moment as if she were embarrassed.
"And I'm the only one who can, right?" asked Faith, nodding towards the lake.
"Why?" asked Buffy, her voice less than a whisper.
"I'm not what you think I am. I'm a Slayer. It's..."
Faith paused and then smiled.
"It's my nature to help people. It's what I do."
"I still don't understand. You...you're a vampire," winced Buffy, stating the obvious.
"Okay, I'll cut ya a little slack with that 'cause I'd be wicked pissed too if the thing that killed me was standing in front of me."
Faith frowned and lowered her voice, pleading with Buffy to understand, to make the connection.
"I'm not like them. I have a soul."
"How?" asked Buffy.
"Long story."
"The vamp who bit you had a soul?"
"Okay, maybe not so long," shrugged Faith.
Buffy closed her eyes. When she opened them Faith saw that she was crying.
"Hey, I'm not asking for anything in return. Just help me...help you. It's a big lake, ya know? I could spend a few nights wading around out there when I could be out hunting down vampires instead," reminded Faith.
Faith waited. Buffy covered her mouth with one hand and nodded. And Faith smiled.
"Thank you," sniffed Buffy. "I'm sorry about..."
"Don't. Don't you dare apologize. Let's just do this," warned Faith, anger rising in her voice. Buffy quickly nodded.
"So, uh...any suggestions?" asked Faith, nodding towards the water.
"Faith, there is something I might be able to give to you in return. I can't promise...but I'll try."
"Yeah? What?"
"After...I mean, I might be able to give a message...to Buffy."
Faith just stared, genuinely thrown.
"Oh. Wow, um...okay, just...just tell her I'm sorry. No. No, let's keep it simple. Just tell her we miss her. And Dawn's okay."
Buffy waited, expecting more, then nodded. Her eyes opened wide as Faith began removing her clothes. Pulling her top over her head, Faith smiled.
"Like what you see?" teased Faith. Buffy shook free of her stare and looked away.
"Didn't know a ghost could blush," laughed Faith, undoing her pants. Buffy still didn't look at her.
"Just don't want to get my clothes wet. Already went for a swim here. And these had better be here when I get back or I'll feed your bones to a certain junkyard dog I know," glared Faith.
Buffy looked upset at first. But then she smiled.
END OF PART ELEVEN
