Author's Note: Please forgive Sorcha's spelling or mangling of the word zucchini - she's only eight and for some reason, zucchini and also banana are hard for her to spell. Luckily for all of us, there are no bananas involved in this story.

My Big Zuke, Zuch, Zack... Squash
By Sorcha Angel, age 8, Miss Vandegort's Class

One day Uncle Giles gave me some seeds and a little shovel because I was bugging him and he wanted me to go and play somewhere else. He said, "Here Sorcha, go out to the garden and plant these if you won't go and play with Willie Jr."

Willie Jr. is Aunt Cordy's little boy, but he's boring all he does is drool, poop and cry.

I said, "O.K." Then I dug a hole in the garden and put the seeds into the ground like Uncle Giles said to.

Then Aunt Buffy said, "What are you doing Sorcha?" So I said, "I am planting seeds because Uncle Giles is tired of me bugging him and I don't want to play with Aunt Cordy's little boy because all he does is poop and cry and drool so Uncle Giles gave these seeds to me and said go plant them."

Aunt Buffy picked up the packet and she said, "Dear God, not more zuke, zuch, zack, squash!"

And then we went inside and had dinner.

I fogot all about the zuke, zuch, zack, squash seeds and then they came up all over the place with little baby zuke, zuch, zack, squash plants and it was really cool.

The zuke, zuch, zack, squash plants grew long long all over and Aunt Buffy said, "Giles, what sort of seeds are these really? Are they some sort of demon vine?"

And Uncle Giles said, "No, Buffy, they're just vegetable marrows, what you Americans call zuke, zuch, zack, squash. They always grow like that."

Then they started to have little baby zuke, zuch, zack, squash all over and I got to pick the zuke zuch zack squash and after a while everybody said, "Ugh! Zuke, zuch, zack, squash!"

Aunt Cordy said, "I know zuke, zuch, zack, squash isn't fattening, but can't somebody go out and pull up the vines or something?"

This made me cry because I love my zuke, zuch, zack, squash plants! They are cute!

I cried and cried so Grandpa Angel said I didn't have to pull up my zuke, zuch, zack, squash vines. This made me stop crying.

Then Uncle Spike showed me the newspaper and said, "Hey, pet, they're givin' a hundred dollars to the person what can grow the biggest zuke, zuch, zack, squash. Wanna take a whack at it?"

I said, "Is a hundred dollars a lot of money?"

Uncle Spike said, "It's a lot of fags and beer, pet."

I said, "More than a million dollars?"

Uncle Spike said, "A lot less, but a hundred smacks is a hundred smacks." (Uncle Spike talks funny a lot.)

A hundred dollars? Wow!

So Uncle Spike and I asked Uncle Giles how to make a really big zuke, zuch, zack, squash.

Uncle Giles said, "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

Uncle Spike said, "No business of yours, mate! Just thought the platelet here might stop feedin' you lot with so much zuke zuch zack squash if she had a goal."

Uncle Giles said, "Oh very well, but I don't like it." Then he handed Uncle Spike a big book named Rodale's Guide to Vegetables and said, "Don't get the book wet or set it on fire."

First we picked all the zuke, zuch, zack, squash but one and watered the vines a lot. Then Uncle Spike put something called manure on the ground around the plants from a big bag with a shovel. Grandpa Angel said, "Hope you didn't pay any money forthat manure, Sorcha, should have let your Uncle Spike stand around and talk – all sorts of manure falls out of his mouth for free."

Uncle Spike threw manure at Grandpa Angel.

Grandpa Angel ducked. Then he laughed.

Aunt Cordy said, "Wiliam, don't you dare track that stuff all over my nice clean rugs!"

Then the zuke, zuch, zack, squash got big.

It got bigger.

Uncle Giles looked at it and said, "You just might win a prize."

Oh boy, a hundred dollars!

Then it got bigger.

It got big as me.

Aunt Buffy said, "Are you sure this isn't some sort of demon?"

It got bigger.

Daddy said, "Do we have to eat this thing if she loses the contest?"

"No Connor," said Uncle Wesley, "It will be all nasty and tough if I know my vegetable marrows – don't worry."

It got even bigger!

Finally it got so big that Aunt Buffy said, "I want that thing out of here, it will roll over and hurt somebody!"

Uncle Spike and me picked the big zuke, zuch, zack, squash – he used an axe to chop it off the vine. Then we put it in a wheelbarrow and took it to Grandpa Angel's bathroom and put it on the scale.

It weighed sixty pounds. Wow!

Uncle Spike said, "That hundred bucks is mine, I mean, ours, platelet! We have the world's biggest zuke, zuch, zack, squash!"

Then we put it on Grandpa Angel's kitchen table and the table made a funny noise.

Uncle Spike went and borrowed a camera from Aunt Cordy and he took a picture of me standing next to it. (Miss Vandegort, I put the picture on the next page.)

Then he said, "Nine o'clock, Sorks, time for bed."

I only whined a little, but I went to bed anyway after he told me that tomorrow he would have Aunt Cordy call the people who were giving a hundred dollars for the biggest zuke, zuch, zack, squash so they could come over tomorrow night and give us our hundred bucks. Wow!

The next day after school I couldn't find our big zuke, zuch, zack, squash – but Uncle Clem who had come to visit was cooking something on Grandpa Angel's stove, he was using all the pans and they were full of hothothot oil that burns little girls to bits if they touch it.

There were big round things all over the place and they smelled good.

Uncle Clem said, "Hello darling, have some fried squash, those big ones fry up wonderful!" He gave me the catsup and a big golden fried thing.

It was good.

Sorcha ate a lot of it.

Uncle Spike came in and said, "Clem, where'd that big zuke, zuch, zack, squash go?"

Uncle Clem said, "Oh, that, it was too big for a stir fry, they get tough, so I'm frying it and making bread with the rest."

"You bloody well did what?" Uncle Spike yelled, "The zuke, zuch, zack, squash people are at the front door and you fried… BLOODY HELL!"

Uh oh, Uncle Clem fried our big zuke, zuch, zack, squash? I would have cried but my mouth was full and it's rude to cry with your mouth full.

"Well," said Uncle Clem, "If you didn't want me to fry that beauty, you shouldn't have left it on the kitchen table right next to the stove, here, have some zuke, zuch, zack, squash bread, it's right out of the oven."

The bread was good.

We all ate the bread, and we ate the fried zuke, zuch, zack, squash too, even the people who will give you a hundred bucks for the biggest zuke zuch zack squash. Uncle Spike was mad, but he showed them the picture anyway and they gave him a bag of manure to try again and he said that the fried zuke, zuch, zack, squash was almost as good as a blooming onion, whatever that is and that next time we would try for a hundred pounds and guard the thing with a shotgun until the sodding judges get there to give him his, no, our money.

And that is the story of my really really big zuke, zuch, zack, squash.

The end.