Dazai
When I woke up, I couldn't orient myself. It was dark, I was on the couch and am wearing my work clothes.
But then my heart squeezed and I suddenly remembered everything all at once.
When we finally reached Yokohama, I dropped Chuuya off, then drove to the Armed Detective Agency where I delivered Onuki Kano's body to the office – much to everyone's shock.
"This is Onuki Kano," I had stated duly. "She was found dead in Kawasaki after battling with the Port Mafia."
"What?" Kunikida looked up from his inspection of the body.
"Turns out she was involved in Blood Raid just as the Kawasaki police have suspected," I continued to report. "She joined to take revenge on the Port Mafia. And that was also the cause of her death. I'll send the details of my investigation in a report."
Kunikida pushed up his spectacles. "Dazai, go home."
"Why?"
"You must be sick, and I don't want the office to contract whatever you have," Kunikida explained.
"I feel fine though."
"But you've never offered to write a report, Dazai-san …" Atsushi-kun said quietly.
The whole office stared at me in silence. Some in disbelief, some looking petrified, and some looking at me as if I had grown an extra head.
I didn't know if I was sick, but I was definitely too tired to retort, so I turned around and dragged my feet home as I was told. I must have passed out on the couch upon reaching my apartment.
Sitting up, I replayed the events of yesterday. I had done some pretty unexplainable things. Unexplainable to me, even. Maybe it was the old lady, maybe it was the influence of a certain hat-rack, but I had let my emotions take over for once. I called Mori which is something I would have never done if I had a clear head, I stole a car and chased Chuuya to Kawasaki and saved his life, and then I had grabbed him later in the car and apologised.
I squeezed my chest as my heart constricted a little more, remembering what Chuuya had said.
"But I only hated you more because I hated myself for missing you."
Wow, emotions really hurt a whole lot.
Mercifully, the rest of the car ride after I had released Chuuya had been absolutely silent. Besides stiffening up, the redhead didn't react in any other way to the apology, and I had pulled away too quickly for him to continue the conversation; though, not that he tried to.
Which was good. Because I couldn't trust myself with what I might say next.
The truth is … the truth is … emotions are painful. And I dislike pain – no, I absolutely loathe it. So I had tried my hardest to numb myself to my emotions, and live my life by logic and reasoning.
But no matter how much I ignored them and quelled them, I cannot escape them. I'm still human. Unfortunately. And my feelings towards Chuuya have crept up on me over the years.
Even though I hated him from the beginning, hated how he thought so differently, so rashly from me. I hated how he was too emotional and strong-willed and stubborn. I hated his passion, his sensitive nature hidden behind knives and guns and power. I hated how he kept looking for me, kept wanting to understand me, even as I pushed him away multiple times.
But most of all, I hated his unwavering, undying trust in me.
Chuuya's trust in me … his trust itself was the only reason why I was compelled to save him over and over again. For some reason, I just couldn't break that trust. I couldn't until I had finally managed to completely steel my heart, and walk away …
And now this is my punishment. To realise the full extent of how much Chuuya mattered to me. Unlike Odasaku who was my friend from the start, Chuuya, like a true assassin, had slowly chipped away at my heart without my knowing, so that now, behind that steel cage, were just all the broken pieces slowly turning into dust.
I held my head in my hands and suppressed a groan. This won't do. This really won't do. I have to get myself together now, get my head cleared and my thinking back on track.
I sat up finally and noted the time. It was 2am. For some reason, I had an urge to go to the café. Perhaps I should tell the old lady what happened to her daughter.
Normally, I probably wouldn't have bothered. So maybe it's my increased contact with Chuuya lately that's making me act strange. He always had a weird sense of empathy for a mafiaso …
But fuck it all. I'm tired of both thinking and feeling, so I'm just going to follow my gut. And if my gut says "go play the sentimental fool" then that's what I'll do.
Chuuya
"Is everyone here?" The Mafia Boss tilted his head to the side.
"Yes," I said quickly, annoyed. "There are only 3 of us! Let's hurry up and get this over with."
I was sitting in Mori's office again, this time joined by Ane-san. Mori has called us to this really irritating meeting to discuss the events of the week. Needless to say, I was hardly enthusiastic.
"Now, now, Chuuya," Ane-san laid a perfectly manicured hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure you want to know what happened."
"I know what happened!" I cried. "I was part of his whole elaborate plan!"
Mori chuckled, brushing Elise's hair who was sitting beside him. "Well, we are here to discuss the finer details. But first, could you update Kouyou-san and I again what happened in the morning?"
Grudgingly, I ran over Onuki Kano's deception and the second destruction of Blood Raid as a matter-of-factly.
"So Dazai appeared at the scene and worked with you to take Blood Raid down," Ane-san said slowly as she sipped her tea. "That's interesting."
I kept my face emotionless. "Yeah, apparently he wasn't part of Boss's plan."
"Indeed," said Mori, nodding. "I wasn't expecting his call. I suspect the Agency must have tasked him with finding this Onuki Kano and he sniffed out a lead from us. Unless," Mori paused, "there is another reason why he called?"
All of a sudden, I noticed that all of them had their eyes on me. Well, all but Elise who was brushing her doll's hair as Mori brushed hers. Feeling a little self-conscious, I stopped levitating a random coin. "What?"
"Chuuya," started Ane-san. "Have you been interacting with Dazai lately? You have been repeatedly mentally affected every time –"
"Can we just talk about something else?" I loudly, and desperately cut in. "Boss, you haven't told us what you plan to do after losing a major portion of our assets!"
Mori smirked. "Didn't I mention that I was only pretending to invest in a weapons-manufacturing company? All the money and financial transactions were actually wired into one of the many bank accounts the Port Mafia owns."
I stared in disbelief. "So, what about the building?"
"What building?"
"The building that Blood Raid blew up! Goldwire Factory? That must have incurred costs!?"
"Oh that," Mori laughed. "That's just an empty building I was having some men stake out. If it were attacked, then I know it's a clear sign someone's been leaking information from the inside."
"Oh my god," I leaned back in my chair. "It was all planned."
"And now we've tripled our assets, haven't we?" Ane-san smiled sweetly. "So it all worked out well!"
Enraged, I stood up from my chair. "Easy for you all to say! I was deceived by both Onuki Kano and everyone here! I mean – I understand why but, but still! I had to put up with so much shit like, like …"
"Like?" Ane-san pressed, her searching eyes focused on me.
I closed my mouth immediately, frustration building in the silence. I couldn't exactly tell them after all. They all think I'm the sentimental fool in here. And rightly so. I've always been. That's why I let myself trust and get hurt, trust and get hurt, all over again. Working with that waste of bandages, working with Onuki Kano … then getting reunited for the third time with that traitor – I can only take so much subterfuge and betrayal.
I feel so used.
"Nothing," I said finally, sitting back down. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little stressed. There's still a lot of paperwork to finish."
Mori clapped his hands. "Well! You better go finish that paperwork and rest then! Glad to see that everyone's finally on the same page on things. If you have any questions, please raise them now."
All of us were silent and so, the meeting was closed, at exactly 2am. I got up from the table slowly, gathered my things, and headed out of the door. I did not expect Ane-san to stride up next to me.
"Ane-san?"
She was looking ahead. "Chuuya, I sense your mind and emotions are troubled."
I sighed and said without thinking, "What's new?"
She clicked her tongue at me. "You've always been … temperamental."
"Yes, I've always been a hot, emotional mess," I blurted out, and then quickly reminded to keep my tongue in check.
"It's not good to bottle things up, Chuuya," Ane-san ignored my outburst and stopped walking.
I paused in my own step, lifting my head to look at her. "I … I don't have a choice."
"Yes you do," Ane-san said softly, her gaze kind. "Talk it out. To me, to even that traitor Dazai, or to yourself. But don't ever disguise your feelings or try to deny them."
My voice wavered a little. "Ane-san … but that's … kind of hard to do, as a Mafia member –"
"Then do it as a human," she urged, "because you're human, Chuuya. Don't forget that."
Caught a little off-guard, Ane-san then promptly pulled me into a warm embrace.
"It's been a while since I've hugged you," she smiled into my hair. "You've grown. And I don't just mean physically."
When she released me, she turned back down the corridor and headed towards Mori's. "Go on ahead, Chuuya, I've still got some things to discuss with Mori-san!"
I stared at her slender and elegant figure as she walked away. Maybe she's right. Maybe it's time I admit some things I haven't admitted to myself because of my fear of the truth.
Feeling like I've done enough work for the day, I decided to go back home and confront those very feelings Ane-san had been talking about.
Dazai and Chuuya stared at each other, neither of them speaking.
Both had come down separate paths but managed to meet at the lane leading down to that café. It was such perfect timing that both probably thought they might be hallucinating, with all the increased thinking about each other the past few days.
"S, Seriously …" Chuuya started first.
"Ah, you don't need to tell me," Dazai looked away. "This is the absolute worst."
Both of them headed down the lane, walking about a metre apart from each other. Dazai barely registered what Chuuya was saying. He was too soft over the loud beating of his heart. Was he … was he actually feeling nervous?
"HEY! Is someone in here?" Chuuya waved a hand in front of his face.
Since when did he get this close again? Dazai blinked rapidly, then arranged his face into a disappointed expression. "Aww … you pulled me from my daydream of a beautiful double suicide –"
"I asked if you were heading there?" Chuuya said, ignoring his remark. "The café, I mean."
Dazai wasn't quite sure what face to make this time. "Umm … yeah. Yeah I am."
"Why?"
"I wanted to …" Dazai trailed off, thinking. "I wanted to tell the old lady about her daughter."
"Onuki Kano."
"Yes, good job, Chibi. You remember."
Chuuya swung a fist at Dazai but he effectively dodged. "How is that a good idea?! We killed her!"
Dazai raised an eyebrow, giving Chuuya a pointed look.
"Okay, well I did," the redhead sighed. Then, out of earshot, Chuuya murmured softly to himself, "Great. More nightmares."
The two entered the café, successfully managing to arrive there without killing each other. The elderly lady straightened up from wiping a table upon hearing the bell.
"You two!" She exclaimed and smiled. "How nice of you both to drop by together!"
Chuuya felt an uncomfortable pit forming in his stomach as he let himself be led by her to the usual table cheerfully. He hated Onuki Kano for deceiving him … but it wasn't this elderly lady's fault. And now he had taken away the only family member she had left.
The mafiaso avoided her gaze, feeling torn between running away right now, or confessing what he'd done and begging for forgiveness.
Dazai looked at Chuuya who was sitting across the table. His arms were folded on the table and his head was down. He hasn't taken off his hat. Should he say something? What's the best course of action? Is there even just one? Dammit … his head hurt. But while his head was a mess, his heart knew very clearly, that he wanted to somehow … console Chuuya at this moment.
"Umm," Dazai turned to look at the elderly lady when she placed a mug of coffee and a cup of tea on the table. "Thank you."
"Why so tense, today?" The elderly lady asked in concern, noting the change in atmosphere.
Dazai swivelled his head around. Thank goodness the place was empty.
"Well, Onuki-san," he said, addressing her. "I have something to say. Please, stay calm."
Dazai stood up and flashed his identity again. "As you know, I am a member of the Armed Detective Agency. I've actually been sent to locate your daughter, Onuki Kano, who had gone missing in Kawasaki for several months."
The elderly lady stumbled back a little. "I … I see."
"It was found that she joined a criminal organisation in Kawasaki called Blood Raid. Both Kano-san and Blood Raid had the similar objective on taking revenge on the Port Mafia."
The elderly lady grasped on the long wooden counter. "The Port Mafia … of course." Then, after a moment, she managed a weak smile. "Kano-chan … she's gone now, isn't she?"
Dazai hesitated. "Yes, we have recovered her body –"
The sudden scrape of a chair behind him told Dazai that Chuuya had stood up. He looked back and saw the redhead with his fists clenched and trembling.
Chuuya bowed. "I'm sorry."
The elderly lady regarded Chuuya with some concern. "Wait. Why –"
But before she could finish her sentence, Chuuya had already turned on his heel and dashed out of the building.
Dazai took in a deep breath. His insides were unravelling. But he forced himself to face the elderly lady again. "I'm sorry to be the one to deliver the news. The Armed Detective Agency can handle Kano-san's body for you and –"
"Please," the elderly lady said, still smiling sadly, tears now running down her cheeks. "Please cremate her like my husband. I – we're very grateful towards you."
Dazai nodded and bowed. "You have my condolences. I'll make sure the proper arrangements are made."
Then, with a heavy heart, he too, exited the café, now sprinting off to find Chuuya.
A/N: I just want to emphasise, how sweet Kouyou was when she reminded Chuuya that he was human. If you guys have read the BSD light novel Fifteen - well, I don't have to explain any further.
To put it shortly, I've always felt poor Chuuya takes on too much and holds himself to incredibly lofty standards as well. He's of course, always risen to the challenge but it was so kind of Kouyou to remind Chuuya that he can rely on others too! Despite all his crazy, insane, godlike abilities and powers ... I felt that Chuuya needed to know, that it was okay to for him be ... human.
