disclaimer: not mine
Sustenance
Misunderstandings- merely convenient excuses for not knowing and not seeing. It's funny how people could go on and on about how much they cared when they used misunderstandings as reasons for not caring enough. For not knowing enough.
Excuses. The world was full of them, but that did not mean anyone had the right to use them that way. They're meant for those less than even the most cowardly of cowards.
You didn't run away from your problems by using excuses; you just didn't.
Yanagi leaned against the fence behind him, eyes closed as he vainly attempted to get some respite from the events of the day before. And the days before that. The afternoon breeze that was usually soothingly cool smelt of aggression today; remnant of the storm that had lasted for hours and hours. A sliver of yesterday.
And he shivered ever so slightly. He should be having lunch now, but he wasn't, hadn't had lunch for days. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't right but he didn't care; it was too much of a hassle anyway. He thought better on an empty stomach; the churning sensations kept his mind clear more effectively than sustenance of any form. He would worry about gastric problems later; one step at a time.
Right now, he had his thoughts to sort out, and for that he needed an empty stomach. Emptiness for emptiness. Period.
Slowly, he let himself sink to the cool concrete ground, where he sat with his knees pulled close to himself. And he thought, his fingers fumbling with the pages of the notebook he held in his hands. Mumbled calculations as eyes flew over number after number in a frenzy; like the buzz of a bee, or a machine in overdrive. Or something.
A part of him wondered if he was acting like a snail; an irrational part that was fast spiraling out of control. Maybe one that talked; Akaya liked to call him that, a snail. He liked to think that there was at least one thing that he could keep of Akaya even after they were through. A snail he was then. Strange, how he never thought to ask the reason why Akaya called him that, but it didn't matter now. Renji's hand faltered, wheezing as the wind tore past him. He's probably going crazy, he reasoned, seeing that his thoughts were no longer coherent in the least. But he wished for the process to be much, much faster; he'd much rather lose his mind in one single instance than having to live through every second of the process.
Yanagi Renji wasn't being much like himself and he knew it. The real him would never have run away like he was doing now. Like he had been running for a while now. God was he tired.
And hungry.
If Akaya had been around, he would never allow Renji to go through the day like this. Fatigue and hunger were a bad combination and Akaya would have prevented that at all cost. He would be looking out for his Yanagi-senpai around every corner, seeking him out in every of his little crook and cranny, making sure that he ate well and that he took proper naps. Maybe that was why he could never think clearly around Akaya.
Akaya, Akaya, Akaya. With a strangled cry Renji's head fell forward into his folded arms as the wind started to howl.
Again.
The hospital was quiet in the afternoons; lunches, it seemed, were more important than anything else to nurses, doctors and visitors alike. Akaya wondered absently as he walked along the corridor if Yanagi-senpai was having lunch as well. Probably not. He never saw the need for lunches before, and he would never now, now that Akaya was no longer there to remind him of the importance of the most basic human need for sustenance. Akaya felt his throat tighten; it was over now, and he really shouldn't be thinking about things like these. Things about Yanagi senpai that he no longer had any right to dabble in. He'll make a nuisance of himself and be a hassle to Yanagi-senpai, and Yanagi-senpai detested hassles.
Not if the hassle is you, Yanagi-senpai had said a long, long time ago. He had smiled and opened his eyes slightly when he said it, tapping Akaya lightly on the chin.
But that was long ago. Long ago, when everything was still alright. No, it wasn't alright; it had never been alright from the start. Everything had been a mess right from the beginning, but they had slowly worked to where they were now. Now? No, to where they used to be. Never had they thought it would eventually end this way, even in the darkest hours of their relationship. Never. Maybe something went wrong. Maybe he did something wrong. Maybe it was precisely because they did everything right that it ended this way; maybe they were meant to end up this way from the start. Maybe they had been lying to themselves through their teeth all the while.
Maybe he had.
"Akaya? Shouldn't you be in school now?"
Yukimura's voice startled the green-eyed boy out of his thoughts. "Buchou! What are you doing out here? You should be resting in your ward!" he cried a little short of hysterics as he turned to face his gentle buchou. Yukimura chuckled lightly as he watched his junior fuss over him like he would fuss over an injured nestling, or kitten, or puppy. With a small smile about his lips, he allowed himself to be fawned upon by his distracted kohai. A smile that never quite touched his eyes.
"Ne, Akaya, you haven't answered me. What are you doing here? As far as I know, school isn't over yet." Yukimura's voice tinkled like wind chimes in the breeze, and sounded just as empty. Akaya straightened a little so that he was looking his buchou in the eye. Yukimura suddenly felt the urge to look away from those clear green depths.
"School bores me. I think there's a test, but since I'll be retaking it anyway it doesn't make difference whether or not I sit for it today." Akaya shrugged nonchalantly as he rummaged through his bag. "Besides," he added as he pulled out a wrapped bento box, "I thought you might be getting a little tired of hospital food." He grinned as waved the bento before Yukimura's face.
A genuine chortle broke out of Yukimura as he regarded his kohai and his offerings. "Alright then, but don't expect me to give you any tuition classes for whatever test that you're missing," he jabbed as he slowly started towards his ward.
"Buchou!"
"Sanada?"
Sanada Genichirou opened his eyes slowly to see the Gentleman standing before him.
"I was told that I could find you here," Yagyuu explained mildly as he took the liberty of sitting down across from his fukubuchou, classmate and friend. "Yamada saw you." Sanada gave a slight shrug to indicate that he didn't really care about who did or did not see him before letting his eyes slide close again.
They sat facing each other in silence for a long while, neither wanting to the one to break the companiable quiet; there was a strangely comforting quality in the lack of exchange that felt almost healing. Lapping softly at their wounds, rinsing and cleansing.
"It's over."
Two words. A whisper, whisked away by the wind and thrown heavenwards. It would have rained down on them like snowflakes if the wind had not picked up and whirled the words away once again carrying them off to a faraway place. Sanada did not open his eyes as his lips voiced their betrayal. Yagyuu blinked once, slowly, and waited. He thought he caught the scent of rain on the wind that just rushed past. Sanada did not continue his sentence, choosing to slip deeper into his state of meditation instead.
"It is definite?" A question that sounded more like a statement, calmly. Like undisturbed water of a still lake; Sanada liked the sound of that.
A nod.
"Seiichi said that?" Cool as a cucumber, that Yagyuu. Calm and collected; he was a true genius, and Sanada was a little impressed. "That it's over between you…"
"That was me." He had hoped that perhaps he could at least keep his dignity by assuming the Gentleman's manner of speech, but he was failing miserably judging from the hoarseness of his voice. "It's better this way; save him the trouble. He's always too… nice."
Another long, slow blink.
"There's no basis for comparison because what's happened cannot be compared with what never did." Basic knowledge for a student of History. The semblance of a smile crept its way along Sanada's treacherous lips; that was a good one. "I understand completely, Sanada," Yagyuu said softly but emphatically.
"And I mean completely, in a literal sense." The mirror of Sanada's smile made its way onto Yagyuu's face.
"I know."
Comfortable silence resumed seamlessly like how the sea swallowed up the tracks of a speedboat.
Yukimura looked up briefly from the bento that he had been digging into for the past half hour to see Akaya staring blankly into space.
"Akaya?" he called softly, concerned.
"Ne… buchou. What happened yesterday?" The junior continued to stare deliberately into space as he spoke ever so carefully. Like someone scaling a cliff. "I saw Sanada fukubuchou crying." The sound of chopsticks clattering to the floor startled him a little and he shifted his gaze to the face of his beloved captain. "At least I thought I did," he added quickly, twiddling his thumbs in an almost nervous manner.
"How clumsy of me…" Yukimura smiled a little as he bent to pick up the chopsticks. Akaya thought he saw his buchou's hands shaking and knew all too well that it had nothing to do with his illness at all even though its symptoms did include sporadic spasms in his frail-looking senpai. "Ah… gomen, Akaya. You were saying?" He straightened himself deliberately after retrieving his chopsticks, careful not to meet Akaya's searching eyes.
"Did something happen between the two of you? Buchou?" Akaya whispered as he leaned forward in an attempt to capture Yukimura's wandering gaze with his own. The older boy chewed on the inside of his lower lip as he evaded his kohai's searching eyes once again. If it had been anyone else, Yukimura would never have shown this weakness of his, this weakness that he was feeling so acutely right now; he would have stared the person straight in the eye as if nothing was wrong. He was the captain of Rikkaidai and he was strong. He could handle anything that came his way like it was no more significant than a fly. Yukimura felt his breath quicken a little as he tightened his hold on the chopsticks. But it was not 'anyone else' that stood before him now; it was Akaya. And for that fact alone, Yukimura found himself unable to pull his usual feat off. Akaya could see through every deceptive front he put up as if they weren't there like no one else did. Not even Sanada. Sanada, who…who…
"Buchou!" Akaya cried, lunging forward to catch Yukimura as he collapsed. The bento crashed loudly to the immaculate floor and made a terrible mess. The room felt like it was turning and turning non-stop as Yukimura leaned into Akaya's embrace. Eyeing the mess he made on the floor, he absently wondered about what a nice mess it was; it completely set off the pristine white of the hospital floor. The monotony of the hospital was driving him crazy. But wait; perhaps he was crazy already. Maybe the sedative had started to wear off; should he ask for another?
A light slap to his face.
"Buchou? You alright?" Akaya's worried green eyes peered at him as he shook him gently.
A smile that he hoped to be reassuring. "Yes, Akaya," he breathed as he reached for Akaya's hand, the one that was resting against his left cheek. So warm. "I just felt a little faint, is all." And the room is still turning, turning; you're the only one standing still for me.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." Green eyes shone uncertainly with remorse. Yukimura tightened his hold on the junior's hand as he finally mustered enough courage to meet the emerald depths above him. He saw Akaya flinch a little.
"It's okay. You don't have to apologise, Akaya; there's nothing to apologise for," he said quietly, pressing Akaya's hand harder against his cheek.
He was so cold now, and Akaya's hand was so warm.
Jackal picked at his food uncharacteristically; his bento was mostly untouched even though he had been at it for almost half an hour.
"Kuwahara-kun! Aren't you eating with Marui-kun today?" a cheerful voice had asked as its owner stopped in her tracks on her way to the door to regard the tennis player who also happened to be one of her best friends.
"N… No, Aoyagi-san. He's… busy today." His voice had quivered just a little.
"Ano… are you alright? Would you like me to have lunch here with you instead?" she had asked, concerned. Aoyagi Tetsuko had been the first friend Jackal made back in his freshman year. She was gentle and perceptive, and so it was no surprise that she had been the only one to notice how out of sorts Jackal had been. It was most comforting.
"Thank you, Aoyagi-san. I think I'll be fine on my own. Besides, I think I'll never hear the end of it from Niwa-san if I keep you here for too long," he had returned, smiling. He almost felt guilty for turning her down.
"Okay then, Kuwahara-kun. I'll see you after lunch then!" she had chirped as she left the class. Jackal still remembered the concern in her eyes and though he could never bring himself to say it, he was deeply grateful to her for caring.
He wondered if it had been a bad move to turn her down as he played idly with the leafy vegetables in his bento; the classroom was so empty. It wasn't an exceptionally big room, but at that moment it seemed to stretch further into infinity than the universe. It was so quiet it was deafening. And it was so empty. Wistfully, he glanced involuntarily to his left, where Marui would usually be, snitching bits of his lunch and hoarding his desserts. Desserts that he would take great pains to prepare just so that he could see the blissful look on the redhead's face as he munched on them.
Strange how he never noticed the way Marui's very presence seemed big enough to fill the void. The way he completed Jackal's life and made him feel that even forever was too short a time to live.
"Marui…" he breathed as his fingers tightened on his chopsticks till his knuckles turned white.
Jackal had never considered himself to be the jealous type, but after what happened yesterday, Jackal knew himself to be a hypocrite. The worst sort, nonetheless, who deceived not just others but also himself. All the time he had been with Marui he had made himself out to be a kind and understanding boyfriend, but if had he truly been what he thought he was, he would not have reacted the way he did yesterday, would he? Would he have felt as if his insides were roiling and burning like he had just downed litres of concentrated acid? He laughed hoarsely. What sort of imagery was that? He would have died had he really tried to consume any amount of concentrated acid. Maybe that was what he was feeling now. Dead. But then again, if you were dead you wouldn't feel anything. Would you? So maybe he was wishing very hard that he was dead. Was he? Wasn't he?
He didn't know anymore. Wasn't sure what to think anymore. Was he angry? Was he sad? Confused? Betrayed? Something that was all of that, but none of it, all at the same time. Something that was both more and less.
Numb, that was the word. Numb. Unfeeling. A wry chuckle escaped him. Not feeling.
Suddenly, he swiped the bento off his table. It smashed against the wall, leaving a nasty stain. He wondered why he did that; it didn't make sense. Did it have to? Then he caught sight of the cupcake sitting on the table. Cake? Another vicious swipe. Thud. And he was trampling on it. Stamp stamp stamp. In no time at all it was reduced to a pulp under his shoe.
He looked at the mess he had made of his lunch for a long time, until his eyesight started blurring. He rubbed at his eyes but it did not go away. It burned and it threatened to break loose. Suddenly unable to bear the sight anymore, he dashed out of his homeroom. He didn't know where he was going; he couldn't see anymore.
Akaya watched in silence as the hospital staff cleaned up the mess on the floor. Sweep, sweep; wipe, wipe. He'd much rather watch something as mundane as that than watch the doctor give Yukimura buchou a shot through some vein he should know from his biology class but did not. He wasn't sure what sedatives were for, but he knew they weren't very good for the body. And the mind; they dulled your wits so you couldn't think. Couldn't feel. He did not want to see his buchou like that.
Yukimura buchou was good the way he was, tempers and all.
"Don't excite him any further," the doctor said plainly as he finished with his administrations. "His conditions are not getting better and it will only serve to aggravate them." He stared openly at Akaya, blatantly showing that he was accusing the junior of being the reason for causing the Yukimura's worsened conditions. Akaya wondered if he should be flattered.
"Okay." He shrugged. Anyone who could bring out Yukimura's weaknesses so completely had to be someone very important to him. Very, very important, and Akaya knew that he was still light years from that.
"Akaya…" Yukimura called from his bed, the effect of the sedative already kicking in as apparent from his slight slur. It must have been an extremely, worryingly strong dose.
"You should rest now, buchou," he said softly as he picked up his bag by the door. "I can come visit you tomorrow if you like."
"I'm so sorry." Yukimura's words came out slurred and barely audible but Akaya caught it nevertheless.
"You don't have to be, buchou. You didn't do anything wrong..."
"It's all my fault… Renji… and you…" His voice trailed into indistinguishable sounds, but what Akaya managed to make out was enough.
"Buchou…" he mumbled, his mind a jumble as he took a final survey of the room before leaving. He wondered about what Yukimura had meant but a glance at his watch told him that club activities would start in fifteen minutes' time. So he promptly pushed the curious matter to the back of his mind as he started to run.
It was when his stomach started to growl loudly that he realized he had missed lunch.
Jackal slowly looked around him like a man who had just woken up, He was on the rooftop; it was empty now because everyone was having lunch. Which was just as well. The dark boy slumped against the door as his legs suddenly gave way under him. He felt so exhausted now. As he leaned into the door behind him, he felt his eyes drifting shut of their own accord.
And the wind was almost cold up here. Up here, it felt as if it was going to rain anytime soon.
He hovered near the edge of unconsciousness; it was so, so tempting… And his eyes snapped open when his sharp hearing picked up a strange sound. He panicked a little; he had thought he was the only one here. He considered leaving but there something familiar about the sound that made him approach the fences. But when he did not spot anyone, he thought it was probably a fragment of his imagination and started to leave.
And there it was, out of the corner of his eye his caught a faint movement. So he moved a little closer. And closer.
Jackal stopped dead in his tracks when he finally found the source of the sound. Panic rendered his body stiff and useless as he stared at the unconscious body slumped bonelessly on the ground.
The body of Yanagi Renji.
A/N: oh no... renji DIED! ok. he dint but pretty close. :D there was a reason i set this during lunch and have food almost all over the place. cos i have a bad habit of not taking lunch as i find it extremely troublesome. haha. that's why i get really bad migraines and sometimes gastric pains, but shush. you're not to tell my mom, k:P
