Disclaimer: Not mine…
A/N: To quote Edward, "I don't sleep...No, not at all." This week has sucked balls for me (I'll explain at the end), but go easy on me? I wrote this in one day so I could have it out before the weekend. Ladies, you never fail to amaze me. Thank you for your reviews. :- ) And to anyone else, thank you just for reading and know that I appreciate it.
Song inspiration for this chapter: What Made Her Leave –Sam Bradley (honestly, the man is ridiculously talented), Broken –Lifehouse, Make this Go On Forever –Snow Patrol, and Whatever It Takes –Lifehouse.
Picking up where Edward last left off at the end of Chapter 8…and AHHHHHH!!! FRIDAY!!! (EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about :- P) My dear friend ajenc (and readers in Australia), know that I am jealous...because by time you read this, you've probably already seen it. DON'T SAY A WORD!! I've been ridiculously good about not watching leaked clips and what not online this time. Unlike last year...
Chapter 10
EPOV
February 13th
"What do you mean she's in Phoenix?" I said, though I might've been yelling…I wasn't exactly thinking so clearly now.
"Calm yourself down there, Edward. Why don't we talk in the living room?" Jasper said, as he fidgeted in the hallway, looking between Alice and I.
"As long as you tell me everything," I growled, certain that I was now glaring at Alice.
I could feel that twitching panic in my chest just at the sight of Alice Brandon. While I had been doing better since leaving Chicago, I still got the twinge of anxiety when something reminded me of Tanya and my past. Alice was certainly no exception. True she had grown up, but those blue eyes, the ones just as piercing as the blue police sirens from when I first met her…they were the same. And right now, they looked so sad.
Nessie trotted after me and Jake whimpered as I pat him on the head, looking behind me. I convinced myself that he was looking at Jasper walking behind me, and not looking for that pair of brown eyes I was anticipating seeing. Alice folded herself into a ball in the far corner of the couch. Their house was bigger than I had expected it to be. The living room was quite spacious with a couch and an armchair, which I carefully slipped into. The coffee table in the middle was littered with fashion magazines and the newspaper. An impressive entertainment unit held a large flat screen TV and a large collection of DVDs.
Jasper sat next to Alice and pulled her protectively into his side. He eyed me warily and I didn't blame him. It was just like he knew what I was feeling upon seeing Alice, and he was giving me a warning with his eyes to not mess with his woman or he would fuck me up. Alice must have told Jasper about the accident at some point. If Bella knew about it before she met me, then Jasper must know too. I didn't like that he knew about it…but it was better than Alice selling me out to some tabloid or something. That was something else I took for granted…how protective the people of Forks had been of me.
I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair, tugging on it slightly. Alice is Bella's best friend, and I could only assume that Jasper knew her pretty well also since he lived with the two of them. Alice's eyes were glassy and staring straight ahead of her, not really looking at anything.
"Why is Bella is Phoenix?" I finally asked. I think my voice sounded a little calmer.
Jasper's gaze turned to the top of Alice's spiky black hair. Well, I guess he wasn't going to be the one to answer my question. I took more deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I didn't want to become angry with Bella again. Though I finally told Elizabeth that I was in love with Bella, she warned me that I would experience set backs, and one of them could be an anger directed towards Bella. Bella and I haven't even talked on the phone yet, but we texted each other every day since the beginning of the month. I had to wonder if finally seeing her or even talking to her would really set me back like Elizabeth said it would. I was constantly looking forward to Bella's text messages every day, and I clung to them like a man drowning in the ocean. While I realized that I needed to change myself for me, I also realized that I loved her, and while she disapproved, my love for her also pushed me in my therapy with Elizabeth.
"I really thought she told you…" Alice said quietly.
"Well she didn't," I huffed and crossed my arms like a child.
Jasper shot me a glare. I had faced some of the biggest and most intimidating pitchers in the world. I hit off of Lincecum no problem last year when we played the Giants, and I've never flinched from the 6 foot 10 frame of Randy Johnson…but Jasper, this guy intimidated me. I stared back and uncrossed my arms, taking more deep breaths.
"Why would she go to Phoenix without telling me?" I prompted, trying my best to remain patient.
"I went with her for a couple of days," Alice sighed, finally meeting my eyes, "It really wasn't pretty Edward."
Oh God…I groaned internally, trying my best to fight back the panic rising in my own chest. Did I do something to remind her of James? Did I hurt her? I had so many questions fighting their way to leave my mouth first, my mind just a jumbled mess of thoughts. My fingers clenched my thighs and I felt like my gaze was going to burn a hole in the wall to the right of Alice's head.
"Breathe, Edward," Jasper said authoritatively.
I let out a loud and ragged breath that I didn't even know I was holding in. I started taking deep breaths like Elizabeth told me to do if I ever felt the panic coming on. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing, ignoring the sad brown doe eyes that kept popping up.
"How long has she been there?" I managed to ask between sucking in deep gulps of air.
There was a long pause, and I nervously crack an eyelid open, afraid of what I was going to see. Alice sniffled loudly and I saw a lone tear slip down her cheek. Jasper wrapped his arm around her tighter and began to rub her shoulder.
"Since January 7th…" Alice trailed off, and closed her eyes.
"WHAT?!"
I was on my feet and started pacing. I was angry, confused, pained…I couldn't believe she had been in Phoenix this entire time! My hands fisted themselves in my hair and I started tugging wildly. Why did she keep this from me? Alice and Jasper said nothing as I paced like a caged lion. My chest was starting to ache and the anxiety was creeping up on me. Did she not trust me?
"Edward…" Alice said softly, halting me in my tracks, "Bella went back to see Dr. Meyer, the therapist she worked with…before."
My eyes went wide, "Dr. Stephenie Meyer?"
Alice nodded slowly, both she and Jasper watching me carefully. Son of bitch! Dr. Meyer was the therapist that Elizabeth had set up for me to see while I was in Arizona for Spring Training. Dr. Meyer is Bella's therapist from high school…the one who worked with her after the whole James fiasco. My stomach felt like it was punched and I felt sick. Did I do something that reminded her of James?
"Oh God…" I gasped, falling to my knees, "She's there because of me…"
I heard Alice stand up and start walking slowly towards me. I heard Jasper say her name softly with a warning tone, but she must've ignored him because she was suddenly kneeling in front of me with a look of determination on her face.
"Edward," Alice started quietly, "I know about the kiss. I know you saw her in tears when you drove away."
"How-"
"Because I don't think you'd be acting like this if you didn't, and I know Bella would never have told you in your daily text messages. I mean, if she didn't tell you she's in Phoenix, then she definitely didn't tell you she was in tears."
"What did I do Alice?" I asked, my eyes stinging with the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes.
Jasper had his head leaning back against the couch and a hand over his eyes. Alice gave me a faint smile, "You showed her what it was like to let someone truly into her heart."
Alice's words seemed to stop time. I didn't know what to say. My thoughts were swirling in my head as I sat back on my heels. The tears escaped and they rolled down my cheeks slowly. I hadn't expected that answer from Alice. I had expected her to tell me that my forced kiss upon Bella caused some kind of relapse and reminded her of James in some way. I automatically thought the worst possible scenarios…and that wasn't the case at all. Alice smiled at me again before she continued.
"Edward, Bella is my best friend and even after all these years, she still hasn't let me in completely. And with you…it's just completely different Edward. She was another person when I talked to her before New Year's. I've never heard her sound so happy and so alive Edward."
I nodded slowly. Alice's description of Bella seemed to match the one that Elizabeth had given to me. One that everyone seemed to see in me after Bella tumbled into my life. Even I myself could acknowledge the change in my demeanor, and attribute it all to Bella's presence in my life. Before she came along, I was frozen at 17, my heart a dead lifeless thing. Then she managed to creep in there and breathe me back to life. Alice's smile disappeared and her eyes swam with a distant hurt.
"Edward, do you know how selfless Bella is? She'll do anything for the people she cares about, even if that means putting herself at risk. She will always put the blame on herself if someone she cares about gets hurt or is hurting."
It took all of a second for me to comprehend what Alice was trying to tell me. I growled in frustration and gripped my hair tightly. I knew that Alice must've stopped Jasper from coming closer because I had heard him jump up, but he wasn't in my line of sight. She was in Phoenix because of me, because I had decided to kiss her.
"She's there because of me…she was trying to stay strong for me…and I broke her…" I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes and yelled out. I was so stupid. I knew I shouldn't have kissed her. I relied on her too much, put too much weight on her shoulders, and she broke.
I thought back to how she was when we first met. Our first "date" at her friend's diner, and how even then, she was trying to stay strong for me, and put what she wanted or needed to the side. She had called me on everything that was wrong with me, but in the process, she hid everything about herself from me. I stomped down the anger that was trying to fight its way out. I had told Bella she deserved a whole man, I had told her that I wanted to let her in…and while she had told me about James, she still blocked me from a multitude of thoughts and memories.
I should have known, should have seen it. From that day that I had asked her to take a drive with me and I told her about Tanya, I should've known that Bella was trying to be there to support me. I should have realized it when she told me all about James and how parallel his story and mine were. Bella was trying to do for me what she couldn't for James, she was trying to be the support system that she thought she wasn't for James. I thought back to what she had said to me in the car when I broke down in front of Alice's house. "Edward, it's going to be okay. I've got you. Edward, I've got you. I'm here." I thought of how I clung to her and wrapped her fingers with mine after I went to Tanya's grave the first time. Alice was right…she was selfless…and she was fool. I should never have let her bare so much of my burden. In the back of my mind, the monster that I thought I had buried in Chicago was clawing his way out, desperate to rear his ugly head.
"Here Edward," Alice said. When I looked up she was holding some tissues and a bottle of water. I took the tissues and hastily swiped away at my tears, before I guzzled half the bottle in one sip. When I stood up and went back to the chair, Alice took up her spot next to Jasper on the couch, while Jasper excused himself from the room, taking Jake with him. Nessie whined at my feet, laying her head on my knee. She looked at me sadly, knowing that her master was upset. I was always amazed at her ability to make me feel better. I couldn't help but crack a smile for her and pat her head softly. She whined again and nudged my hand.
"I'm fine girl…go with Jake." She gave me one more glance and quickly licked my hand before she trotted off. When I looked up at Alice, the smile left my face once more. Alice's brows were furrowed and her gaze, though focused on the TV, which was off, was a million miles away.
"Alice, are you all right?"
She blinked rapidly a few times before her gaze found me. "Edward, I want to tell you about what happened while I was there in Phoenix…just know that I can't tell you what happened with Dr. Meyer."
My eyes went wide as I stared at her.
"Yes…I sat in on Bella's first session with Dr. Meyer. She wouldn't let go of my hand. I can't tell you what happened in there, I won't betray her confidentiality."
I took a deep breath to calm myself. I had heard so much about confidentiality from Ed and Elizabeth, that I could probably quote both of their confidentiality agreements word for word.
"I understand Alice. Please tell me everything else though. I need to know."
I know my voice sounded completely desperate and needy, but I was desperate and I needed to know what Bella was doing in Phoenix and how she was doing. Clearly her texts telling me that she was fine were not the truth.
"You didn't hear from her in the beginning because she had the flu. When she got better is when I guess it all hit her. Jasper and I returned to Seattle the day after New Year's because I wanted to try and get back to work. Bella showed up unexpectedly on the 5th with the two dogs. She was ranting and not making any sense, saying it was all her fault and she wasn't supposed to let things change and she let Dr. Meyer down."
I could feel my face crumple up in confusion and also hurt. I couldn't help but be hurt that Bella never once answered my phone calls in that time, because I was hurting while she ignored me. Little did I know that she had been hurting as well. I could also feel the monster tugging at my heart telling me to be furious with my parents. Bella had picked up Nessie and Jake before coming back to Seattle, so my parents must've seen her. Suddenly my mother's sad look on her face made sense. She had to have known Bella was in Phoenix because Bella wasn't at work! I couldn't help but growl softly at that thought. My mother was getting some choice words from me later.
"That was when she started saying she had to go to Phoenix and her flight was leaving the next day. I scrambled quickly and got on the same flight. Luckily it was Southwest so I had no problem. I didn't want her going to Phoenix by herself like this."
"Thank you for going with her Alice," I interrupted her, "Thank you for helping her."
She nodded before continuing, "After her first session with Dr. Meyer, I just tried to make sure she had everything she needed. Stocked the kitchen with food, got all her toiletries and other things she might need. We even went out and watched some movies and got coffee like things were fine."
"I think it was on the 9th, that she had tripped and dropped her phone. It flew out of her hands and actually got smashed by a passing car. I was amazed the SIM card survived," Alice said with a slight chuckle, before sighing softly.
"I really don't know how she's doing now though. I had to come back on the 12th, but after the 14th she really seemed to be happier when I talked to her, albeit barely, but she seemed better."
I nodded, knowing the 14th was the day that I had also started to make some progress. I remembered every text message and every word we've exchanged and kept them all. I loved the iPhone simply for the fact that I could see every conversation between us. I knew that the 14th was the day that I had told her that I missed her, and she replied back telling me that she missed me too.
"At the beginning of this month, she told me that you two were talking everyday, and that you seemed good. I haven't heard from her today yet though."
"I am doing good Alice, much better than I was before," I said in the most confident voice I could muster. I knew Alice hadn't told me everything yet.
"Edward, you know she thinks she set you back? She was ranting about it the whole time she came home to Seattle before she left. She kept saying that she let the relationship between the two of you change and that she let Dr. Meyer down. I'm not blaming you Edward, but Bella is trying so hard to be perfect for you-"
"I don't want her to be perfect! She doesn't need to be perfect for me! I want what's best FOR HER! I'll do anything to make her smile and keep her from shedding another tear Alice!'
"I know you'll do anything for her Edward," she said, giving me a small smile, "Telling her about the past and admitting you wanted to get help was a huge step. I know she denies it, and you might too, but I know you did it for her. To be the man that you think she deserves."
I gaped at Alice. Did Bella tell her all of that?
"You've fallen for her haven't you?"
I sighed heavily. I hardly even knew Alice Brandon, but she appeared to know so much about me.
"Since Christmas…I think I knew then that I would do anything for her," I whispered. I remembered it exactly. The moment when I knew I wanted her in my life and it would never be the same without her. It was the moment when I unconsciously decided I would do anything for her. It had been after she told me about James and I decided to get help. I remembered my words exactly: "I want to be a better man for myself and when I do that, I hope then I can be the man for you."
Alice sighed heavily, "I left her a month ago Edward. She checks in with me everyday, but she's blocking me and keeping me out. I don't think she's fine like she says she is. I also think she's fallen for you too."
My eyes automatically snapped to Alice's and I saw the seriousness that was there. Did she really mean it? I couldn't let my heart hope for such a thing. I certainly wasn't the man for her yet, but I could be…and I would be.
"I really think she has Edward. I don't think she would have reacted in the way she did if she hasn't. You are so important to her Edward. It's like you've consumed her entire heart and she's brought yours back to life. You two need each other, and you two need to lean on each other equally. I really think if anyone is going to get through to her truly, it's going to be you Edward. Dr. Meyer can only do so much…and I don't think Bella is completely over the James issues. She may have been okay with them…but not healed."
I ran a hand through my hair. It was a lot to take in and my mind was racing. My heart was screaming at my mind to let myself believe Alice's words and that Bella might feel the same way about me…but the monster, he was gnawing away at the connection, blurring the lines and trying to make me feel only the hurt and the pain. I shook the monster loose as I was hit with the path that I needed to take, what I needed to do. The truth of Alice's words hit me. Bella and I did need each other, maybe we could even heal each other, but we couldn't do that until Bella leaned on me as well. I could do this, I could be there for her too.
"I need to go to Phoenix," I said standing up suddenly. Jasper chose that moment to re-enter the room and Alice smiled at me.
"So you believe me then?"
"I do," I nodded, "I can do this Alice."
"You will."
"Where're you going?" Jasper asked, as Nessie and Jake sat at his feet.
"To Phoenix. I needed to report to Arizona soon anyway for Spring Training, but first I'm going for Bella. I need to see her."
"Do you really think that's wise? I mean-"
"It's what they both need Jazz!" Alice yelled, surprising us both and cutting Jasper off. They stared at each other and seemed to be having some sort of silent conversation. In their silence, I remembered Nessie.
"I-"
"We'll watch Nessie," Jasper cut me off, breaking his gaze from Alice's, "Jake behaves better with her here anyway. She's a fine dog Edward."
"Oh…um…thank you," I said, unsure of what to say, "I owe you both so very much."
Alice waved me off, knowing that I wasn't only talking about Nessie, "Just go to Arizona, help bring our girl back to life, and get ready to take the AL West."
I couldn't help but chuckle softly at the end of Alice's statement, "I will Alice. I promise. Thank you for everything."
In a surprisingly quick movement, Alice had her arms wrapped around my waist and hugged me, whispering, "Good luck Edward."
I gave her a gentle squeeze and pulled back. She gave me a small smile and stepped to the side as Jasper offered me his hand. He said nothing, but the look in his eyes gave me hope. He was wishing me luck also. I nodded to him as I moved to say goodbye to Nessie and Jake. I whispered lowly, scratching their ears and telling them to behave. I would owe Alice and Jasper more than I could possibly fathom at this point.
I quickly drove back to my apartment and immediately jumped on the computer. There were no flights leaving for Phoenix until tomorrow morning. I cursed silently and whipped out my phone, typing a quick message to Bella, telling her that I was thinking of her. I decided that it was pointless to come back here before Spring Training, so I called Angela and Ben and got everything in order. I would be gone until April pretty much. I stamped down the thoughts that tried to distract me with the prayers that Bella would be back here with me in April as well.
I called Emmett to tell him that I was heading down to Arizona early. We talked briefly about how I was doing. I had to admit that it felt good to have him know about everything and he sounded like he was generally concerned and cared. Everyone always thought Emmett was a little childish and too playful, but I knew he could be serious and a true friend when needed. He asked if I wanted him to come down early and keep me company, but I told him it wasn't necessary. I told him I was going down early to get acquainted with Dr. Meyer, and I left Bella out completely.
I was pissed when I talked to Aro. I'd deal with him when Spring Training started. I couldn't believe he did nothing to stamp out the rumors about me going to a Chicago team or even stop them from running the pictures of me jogging. I was pretty sure I paid him for this kind of crap. He however did arrange with the team's hotel to let me check in tomorrow and also for a car for me to drive from the airport. At least the man was good for something.
I stared at the empty bags sitting on the bed and sighed. Another 6 weeks away from Seattle…but hopefully this time, I'd be seeing Bella. Peoria was only a 25-30 minute drive from Phoenix, and maybe even less depending on where Bella lived. Alice had given me the address, but I had yet to look it up. There was one more phone call that my fingers were itching to make, the monster in me demanding that he be heard. I gave in and dialed, trying to take calming breaths.
"Edward! How are you?"
My monster roared at the sound of the fake sincerity he seemed to have heard in her voice. I couldn't stop the words before they were out.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me Bella was in Phoenix?!"
I was only greeted with silence and I growled, thinking my mother had hung up on me.
"Do NOT speak that way Edward. I know you're upset, but do NOT take that tone with your mother!"
Oh shit. I was on speakerphone. My father was the only man that, apparently other than Jasper, intimidated me.
"Sorry Mom…" I mumbled, feeling completely like the 5 year old who had broken his mother's vase while playing with a baseball in the living room.
I heard them both sigh heavily, before my mother spoke.
"Edward, I thought she would tell you eventually. I knew when she came to get the dogs and ask for the time off that she was upset about something dealing with you, but I didn't want to pry with either of you."
"Have you talked to her son?" My father asked, his tone slipping into doctor mode. I rolled my eyes but dealt with it.
"Not verbally. We exchange texts every day though," I said, pulling my phone away from my ear, seeing no reply from her.
"How is she doing?"
"She says that she's fine," I sighed.
"But you think she's not?" My mother asked.
I took a deep breath, "No. I'm flying down to Arizona tomorrow to see her."
"Edward, do you think that's wise?" I could tell my father was looking at this from a doctor's point of view, even though psychology was not at all his specialty.
"I would've been leaving on the 16th regardless to start working with Dr. Meyer anyway. Two days earlier makes no difference."
"Edward, be careful with her," My mother said, worry coloring her tone, "She didn't seem very well when we saw her in January."
"I will be," I growled, upset that they were questioning me on this.
"Edward, we're just worried about the both of you. You just finished up with Liz in Chicago, and we don't really know how Bella is doing. Just be careful Edward. Don't push yourself or Bella to hard. The psyche is amazingly easy to break."
"Thanks Dr. Phil…" I huffed.
"Just be careful," My father said sharply, "We'll see you when you come back."
"Okay…" I drew out, not really knowing what to say now.
"Be careful Edward, we love you baby," My mother said softly.
"Love you too…" I whispered back.
As we hung up, I felt uneasy about the way I had left things with my father. I knew he was only looking out for the best for me, but I let the monster take over and I snapped at him, like I used to do before. Before, in the past…before I met Bella.
I tried to pack slowly and let my mind drown out all thoughts of Bella and my family as I made sure I had everything I needed. The stereo in my room was blaring Kings of Leon in a desperate attempt to block everything out. Despite taking my sweet ass time, I finished packing by 8pm and was left standing in my empty apartment. I finally glanced at my phone, disappointment immediately coloring my features as I saw that Bella had not responded to my text. I decided that maybe the TV would block out some of my thoughts.
That didn't last very long at all. I didn't even realize that tomorrow was Valentine's Day. Not that I ever had a reason to celebrate it in the last 7 years or so, but I thought I would at least notice the vomit inducing decorations of red, pink, and white strewn about. It seemed like every channel, even the fricking Food Network, was focusing on romantic crap and it was not helping keep my mind off of Bella. I quickly flipped past the channels playing "Hitch" and "Titanic". I decided ESPN would be safe and settled on that, as I went into the kitchen to find something to eat.
After eating a meager ham and cheese, since my apartment was pretty much empty due to my flight tomorrow, I sprawled out on the couch, the last words I heard being about the Yankees and who would beat them in 2010.
When my eyes opened, I was in complete darkness. I threw my head around in all directions and I couldn't see a thing. That was when I heard her voice.
"Edward, I told you I'll be here for you."
I tried to call out into the darkness, but nothing would come out, and it felt like I was suffocating.
"I'll wait for you Edward…if you want me to that is."
I tried to speak again, to ask her what was going on, but I heard my own voice answer from the darkness.
"You'll wait for me?"
"I will Edward. There's…there's something about you, a connection between the two of us that I can't explain. Tell me that you feel it too."
I tried to scream at her that I loved her, wherever she was, but still nothing came from my mouth.
"I'll wait for you Bella. I'll wait for you forever if I have to. I'll do whatever it takes to get myself better and gain your trust. I…I like you a lot too Bella."
I could hear the song I wrote for Bella floating in the air around me. I still heard it every night in my dreams.
"I hear it in my dreams every night. I hear it when I dream about you. I think…I think it describes the…the hope you've brought to my life. You illuminated the darkness that was my life. It was like my life was in a permanent season of winter, and when you came into it, it was like the sun finally rose and you were thawing the ice that had formed."
I knew those words. Those were the words I spoke to her on Christmas after I played the song for her as her present.
"Bella…the sad ending of your song…I…I'm so scared that I won't be able to be better. I'm scared that I won't be able to be the better man that you seem to see, and it makes me sad because I…I feel like my sun will set. That I'll lose you. I feel like I might be too far gone to fix my ways…That our…our friendship won't survive this."
I tried to scream out again as whatever dream this was, replayed my words to me. I didn't want to lose her, and I desperately wanted to her voice again instead of the shaky and unsure voice of my past self.
"Edward, I believe in you."
"Bella!" I cried out, my voice finally working, but when I opened my eyes, I was sitting in the meadow behind my house. I felt like I was suffocating again. She looked perfect, more perfect than my last memories of her could do justice. I instantly recognized the light pink dress that she was wearing. It was the dress she had showed me the day before she left me. It was the dress she planned on wearing to our Senior Prom.
"Ta-Tanya…" I stuttered out, "What's going on?"
Her strawberry blond hair was piled on her head in some sort of complicated twist and she smiled at me.
"Do you like it?" she asked me as she spun in a circle, "Not bad huh?"
All I could do was nod, far too confused and knowing that I was definitely dreaming and wasn't just replaying the past words between Bella and I in my head.
"I'm dreaming…" I whispered.
"And it's an improvement compared to what you've been dreaming about huh?"
Tanya's playful smirk played at her lips and she slowly walked forward, kneeling in front of me. The smirk faded and she became serious.
"You're forgetting Edward."
"Tanya! You know I'm never going to forget about you! I-"
"I was talking about Bella, Edward," She said, smiling faintly at me, "Don't forget how you feel about her. How you've felt since you first met her. Remember that you love her Edward."
"Tan…I…"
"Edward, I told you I would remind you if you lost your way. Bella is who you've been waiting for all your life."
"But Tanya, if the accident hadn't-"
"We can't change the past Edward," She said softly, her fingertips barely brushing me cheek, "Whatever happened was meant to happen."
"How can you say that?" I shouted, standing up, "He killed you Tanya!"
She smiled at me, "It makes me so happy to hear you say that."
"What?" I said, completely confused.
"Edward, you've changed so much," Tanya moved so she was right in front of me, looking me in the eyes, "You blamed yourself for far too long. She's brought you back to life Edward, don't forget what you feel for her, the connection that the two of you share. It's so strong."
"I…"
"Remember what you said to her Edward. You told her you'd wait for her, that you'd wait forever if you had to. That you'd do whatever it took for you to get better and earn her trust. Don't forget that Edward. Phoenix is going to test you."
I stared at her, knowing this was just a dream, but overwhelmed at the chance to talk to her again.
"Tan…what if…what if I can't do it? What if I've pushed her too far? Leaned on her too much? She…she's falling apart and it's my fault. I didn't see it."
She sighed and straightened the collar of my shirt, "You love her right?"
I could only nod, the words feeling too foreign to tell this dream version of Tanya.
"Then do whatever it takes Edward. It's not going to happen right away, but just be there for her Edward. Lean on each other. She loves you Edward."
"What? How…"
"Edward, think about everything that's happened. Really think about it."
She smiled at me and brushed my cheek one more time, "I'm so proud of you Edward. Everything will work out."
"Tanya! Wait!" I reached for her, but my hand slipped through her.
"I'll always be around Edward. Just remember. You love each other. It'll all work out."
I woke with a start and fell off the couch. I was gasping for air and stared at my ceiling. That was the most realistic, yet completely far-fetched dream I have ever had. I briefly wondered just how spiritual I was going to let myself get. I was dreaming…so Tanya was just a part of my subconscious and those were all the words that the monster was keeping at bay. I sat up slowly and shook my head. I believed that Tanya was just a dream…but the words I heard in the darkness…those were real. Bella believed in me, and I had to believe in her too.
I tried to sleep but my thoughts were plagued by what Tanya had said in the dream. When I asked her how she knew Bella loved me, she told me to really think about it. Did she feel the same way about me? Alice said that Bella was selfless and always put others before herself. Was she doing whatever she could to make me happy? To make sure that I wouldn't despair again? Did that mean she loved me like I loved her? I tossed and turned, seeing the red numbers on the clock telling me that it was 3:10 in the morning. My phone remained silent, no text message coming from Bella. I only managed to sleep for three more hours before it was time for me to leave for the airport.
The woman sitting next to me in first class must've thought I was crazy. Before turning my phone off, there was still no message from Bella. I had checked it every minute until I had to turn it off. Once we were in the air my leg would not stop shaking and I couldn't stop tugging at my hair. I would land in Phoenix around 11:15, and Bella's house was about 20 minutes from there. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I had to calm down and have my mind clear by the time I see Bella.
All through the airport I ignored the red and pink hearts telling me that it was Valentine's Day today. I hated the commercial holiday. Even when I was in high school I never saw the point. My parents were my example of what a true love really was. They didn't need a special day to let each other know that they loved each other. It was the type of love I didn't realize I wanted until I was in Chicago. I sighed heavily. There was so much standing in the way. Was I going to strong enough for Bella? Would she lean on me? Could we possibly help each other? Two broken hearts coming together as one. I wanted to call Elizabeth…but I would wait until I saw Bella. I didn't know how I was going to react.
The drive to her house was quick, despite the extra wait for my bags. I got there right around noon and the weather had changed. Clouds rolled in and the rain was coming down hard over the desert. I pulled up in front of the small house and sat in the car for a few minutes. Could I do this? Was I ready to see her? How would she react? Should I have warned her that I was coming?
I didn't have an umbrella and ran to her front door, unfortunately soaking myself in the process. I shook my hair out and that was when I heard it. The sound of someone who was suffering. I heard her voice scream "no" and it was followed by more sounds that ripped my heart out of my chest. I immediately started pounding on the door and shouting her name.
"Bella!"
I got no answer and the sounds of her sobs continued.
"Bella!" I shouted louder.
"Bella! Are you there?!" It had to be her in there. No one else could sound so broken. Lord what have I done? I broke her, leaned on her so much that she snapped. I couldn't even entertain any other possibilities.
"Bella! Bella, open the door!"
I pounded hard on the door, and restrained every muscle in my body that wanted to break it down. At least my conscience had enough sense to know that it would scare the shit out of her if I just burst through her door. I ran my hand through my wet hair, nervous she might not answer after hearing my voice. Just when I was going to turn around, the door cracked open slightly and slowly opened.
The sight of her almost ripped me to pieces. My memory of her didn't compare to the sight of her standing in front of me. While she was thinner and had dark circles under her eyes, I could never mistake those chocolate brown pools for anyone else's. I willed my eyes to not look at her body, which for some odd reason was clad only in jeans that hung loosely off her hips and a lacy black bra.
"Bella," I said softly, so scared that she would turn and run, slamming the door in my face.
"Edward…" she whispered.
It took all of a second for me to move as soon as I saw her eyes roll back. The initial spark of our skin coming into contact with each other froze me, yet was like a live wire racing through my body. I felt like I was complete again, that I was whole with her here in my arms. That was when I finally started to focus beyond the physical ecstasy that was having Bella in my arms.
I was alarmed at how easy it was for me to catch her in my arms, her ribs pressing against me. Had she even been eating and taking care of herself? I had her in my arms and that was when I saw it. Trails of blood on the floor. I looked her over as best as I could as I stepped in the house. That was when I saw that her feet were cut up and the trail seemed to stem from down the hall. I found some towels in the kitchen and lay her on the couch in the living room, quickly wrapping up her feet to stop the bleeding. There was a blanket on the back of the couch that I threw over her body before I set off to look for bandages for her feet. I toed off my shoes by the door and hung up my dripping jacket.
The trail of blood led the bathroom and I froze in the doorway. The floor length mirror against the wall was shattered and the trashcan lay at the base, its contents scattered across the floor. Fragments of glass were strewn about, and drops of blood told which pieces she had cut herself on. Her shirt also lay discarded on the floor.
"Oh Bella…" I whispered, stepping in slowly to search the medicine cabinet, "I'm so sorry."
I found some gauze and rubbing alcohol and headed back out to the living room. Bella hadn't moved an inch. She didn't even flinch when I cleaned her cuts. Luckily they weren't that deep, but she'd have to be careful. I stroked her cheek softly, tracing the dark circles underneath them. She must be exhausted.
When I had cleaned up the blood, shattered mirror, and the watery mess I tracked in, Bella still hadn't moved, and I began to worry. Did people usually stay unconscious this long after fainting? I contemplated calling my father, but he was a surgeon, not a psychologist. I took a deep breath and took out my phone.
"Oh for crap's sake…" I muttered, realizing that it had been off all this time. I quickly turned it on and found Elizabeth's number. Just as I was about to hit send I heard a soft moan from the living room. I shoved my phone back in my pocket and quickly rounded the couch and knelt by Bella's feet. Bella was rubbing her forehead and groaned as she tried to sit up.
"Bella…" I said softly.
"Edward!" She screamed, sitting straight up. The blanket fell down and I couldn't help but look at her chest. That image was going to seared behind my eyelids forever now, no matter how badly I didn't want to remember. Underneath her beyond perfect breasts, I couldn't shake the image of her ribs that I could see poking out. She screamed again and quickly pulled the blanket up to her chin, the red spreading across her cheeks. I slowly backed up and sat cross-legged on the floor. Bella continued to stare wide-eyed at me.
"Bella," I tried again.
"Are…are…are you really here?" she whispered.
"I'm here Bella," I said as I crawled slowly forward on my knees. All of my anger, confusion, worry…pretty much every emotion except for happiness seemed to disappear from my body at the sound of her voice. She eyed me warily as I moved myself up to sit on the couch. I frowned as she moved her feet away from me and curled herself up even more into a ball.
"What are you doing here Edward?"
Her voice was so soft and unsure and it pained me. This was not at all how I dreamed our reunion to be. How stupid could I have possibly been? Why didn't I think about how this was going to affect her? I slowly reached forward and she sucked in a harsh breath as I tucked the piece of hair she was hiding behind back so I could see her face clearly.
"I came to see you…"
"Why?"
Her big brown eyes instantly went to mine and I was doing my best to not lose myself in them. How was I supposed to tell her that I came because I love her? How was I to tell her I was sorry for burdening her with my problems, and I wanted her to trust me and lean on me with hers? Her eyes went wide suddenly.
"How did you know I was here?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was laced with pain. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her frail form. It pained me to look, but I was scared that if I looked away she was going to disappear.
I heard her breath catch in her throat and she turned her gaze away from mine. I wanted to just grab her in my arms and demand answers from her. Why didn't she tell me she was here? Why did she come back? Why wasn't she taking care of herself?
"I…I had to stay strong for you. I didn't want you to worry about me."
"Bella!" I cried, making her jump, "I was thinking the worst when you weren't in Seattle! Why did you come back to Phoenix? What did I do Bella?"
My words were slowly coming out more and more panicked and I tried to regulate my breathing, not wanting to snap at Bella. She already looked scared enough as it was.
"You didn't do anything!" She cried, surprising me as a hand shot out from underneath the blanket and clutched on to my own. We both gasped at the shock that passed between us and we both stared at our hands.
"I'm sorry," Bella whispered, taking her hand away.
"Don't!" I said quickly, clutching her hand in mine. Bella stared at me wide-eyed, but didn't try to pull her hand away.
"I'm sorry," I said in a softer tone, "I…I shouldn't have yelled at you."
I let us sit for a few more minutes, basking in the warmth that seemed to radiate from our intertwined hands. I didn't know what to say. I disliked the unease that seemed to be hanging in the air above us. I craved the way we used to talk about everything and anything before New Year's. Could we even get back to that? Would we ever really be comfortable around each other again?
"Remember what you said to her Edward. You told her you'd wait for her, that you'd wait forever if you had to. That you'd do whatever it took for you to get better and earn her trust. Don't forget that Edward. Phoenix is going to test you."
Tanya's words rang in my ears. Did her words mean that I had to be the strong one here? That I had to be the one to support Bella? I would wait for her…I didn't lie when I said that. Was this how Phoenix was going to test me? Was this what I had to do to help the two of us? Did I have to try and put my issues aside for a short while and help Bella? Could I be the strong one? My mind was swimming with questions. We both jumped when my phone rang in my pocket. I grudgingly slipped my hand out of her and drew my phone out slowly. Seeing that it was Dr. Meyer's office calling me, I sent it to voicemail. They were probably calling to confirm my appointment in a few days. When I put the phone back in my pocket, I saw Bella's gaze had followed my hand and her brow was furrowed. When I drew my hand back out, her eyes slowly met mine, and I was shocked at the pain and tears I saw there.
"Why is Dr. Meyer's office calling you?"
Well? Yes? No? Uh oh...What is Edward going to say to Bella? Sad to say, you're maybe going to have to wait until after Thanksgiving to find out. I'll try my best. Don't be sad! "New Moon" in theaters should make each and every one of you smile. :- )
Hmmm…where are Edward and Bella going to go from here? Let me know what you think, good or bad, pretty please. And I wrote this in one day, AFTER I wrote a huge APA style research paper about multicultural counseling theory…so apologies if there are booboos. If it really sucks, I'll go back and fix it. WOO HOO!!! "New Moon"!!!! :- P
