Disclaimer: Dragonball Z is not mine. Nope.
Welcome to the next ten chapters of DBZ Pairings of the Apocalypse. This particular pairing, ChiChi and Vegeta, will be unique, because it is a two-parter. That's because I've found two angles it can be approached from: A sibling relationship, and a romantic relationship. This chapter will go after the sibling relationship. This will be a parody of Spitfire Maguire's "She Is Your Blood", or as I like to call it, the "Giant Kick-Me Sign." She's been gone from this website for two years, nobody cares! HAHAHAHA! Please, enjoy.
"You have been blocked from calling this number!" Shenron roared, as the Z Warriors listened in horror.
Goku, the savior of Earth several times, was now going to stay dead! Everyone was shocked, since nobody stayed dead in this cartoon. Shocked most of all was ChiChi, his wife. Which is ironic, since ChiChi is the whole reason that Goku doesn't want to come back. He just spoon-fed everyone that "I AM A DANGER TO THE PLANET" bullshit because he didn't want everyone to hate him. ChiChi, being a distraught over-emotional woman, decided that she needed to run into somebody's arms. And she chose Vegeta, tackling him and just staying on him like a freaking face hugger.
"GO, GET OUT OF HERE!" Vegeta roared, as if he were a lion. Everyone dispersed like frightened pigeons, afraid of Vegeta and his ear-splitting man-voice. After that, Vegeta started petting her on the head and whispering comfort to her in a foreign language.
"Vegeta... why are you talking to me in Swedish?" ChiChi asked, between sobs.
"Oh... sorry, I got confused. Anyway, sis, you shouldn't have ran to me in front of everybody." Vegeta said, comfortingly. Wow, talk about an oxymoron. Vegeta and comfort are actually within sentence distance of each other.
"I know..." ChiChi said, all forms of liquid running down her face.
"Princess, I'm sorry about Go- eeewwww, keep your face off my shirt!"
ChiChi started crying again.
"Oh, come on, what do I have to do?" Vegeta asked, desperately.
"Vegeta, you don't understand. I'm... I'm pregnant." ChiChi, yet again, started crying. She had now passed the wretched screeching crying and jumped headfirst into the unhearable out of breath crying. Goddamn. I never thought I'd feel sorry for Vegeta.
"WHAT?" Vegeta roared, going Super Saiyan and knocking over ChiChi. "HOW DARE HE DO THAT TO MY LITTLE BABY SISTER?"
"Hey, that hurt!" ChiChi complained.
"What? The 'little baby sister' thing?"
"Going Super Saiyan when I was so close to you! What are you, retarded?"
"Oh... erm, I didn't mean to-...well, at least you stopped crying."
"Well, now that all the drama has been taken out of this scene, let's just go into the flashback. Jackass."
FLASHBACK... FLASHBACK... FLASHBACK...
Three decades earlier, in a hospital room on Planet Vegeta, Prince Vegeta was holding his little sister ChiChi, the youngest daughter of King Vegeta, born in Hospital Vegeta in Vegeta City. Yes, if you haven't noticed, these people really like that name. Really. Realllly.
"This baby is hideous, and I love holding it." three year old Prince Vegeta said to his mother, who was dying. See, what happened was, Queen (guess what) Vegeta (not actually called that in the original) almost died giving birth to Prince Vegeta, because his hair had already grown out before he was born. What do you think that caused? I'll give you a hint: it began with "V" and ended with "agina mutilation." After nearly bleeding to death from giving birth to the prince, it was decided that she would die if she were to give birth again. So, what happened months after that? Yes, pregnant again. Stupid whore.
"Vegeta... can you promise to protect her no matter what?" asked the Queen to her son, Vegeta.
"Sure, yeah."
"You don't sound very enthusiastic."
"Oh, Mom, you know I mean it!"
The baby suddenly started crying loudly, as babies are prone to do.
"SHUT UP, BITCH!" the young prince screamed into her face. The Queen smiled.
"That's my boy." The Queen said, with her dying voice. King Vegeta rushed into the room five seconds after the death of his wife.
"Wife, please-" the King looked over at his wife, then turned to Vegeta. "...I was late to do my scene, wasn't I?" the King asked the Prince contemptfully.
"Yes, you were." Prince Vegeta responded.
"...Shit."
The baby started crying again. "SHUT UP, BITCH!" the King and Prince roared.
Two years later, life starting sucking ass. King Vegeta was negotiating with Frieza, trying to find one good reason why Frieza shouldn't destroy his planet. Meanwhile, Prince Vegeta was trying to train Princess Ve- er, ChiChi how to fly.
"You suck, really bad." the young Prince said in a stone cold voice to his two-year-old sister.
"But you'll teach me... right?" ChiChi asked. Yes, that's how articulate these two year old Saiyans are. Hey, look, a two year old that can pronounce "misanthropy!" Bullshit.
"If I don't pull a Scarlet Ibis on your ass first, then yeah, I'll teach you. Until I get bored."
"I love you, brother."
Nappa walked over to the siblings and told them that their father wanted to see them. So they followed Nappa to King Vegeta's nasty house... throne room, whatever, same thing.
"Get out with your bald-ass head, Nappa, only people with hair are allowed in here." the King ordered Nappa, who grumbled to himself about how much he hated his fucking job as he walked out.
"What do you want, Papa?" the prince asked, in a dignified manner that no five-year-old in this goddamned universe actually has.
"I have some bad news for you two. I'm afraid that Frieza wants to train you under his command until you are ready to take the throne, which should be when you are about eight years old." King Vegeta said, painfully, because this is so emotionally traumatizing.
"Wait, so I get to train under a guy several times stronger than you until I become king?" Little Vegeta asked.
"Yes. That is the terms of negotiation."
"Why the hell is that bad?"
"I'm not sure. Oh, yeah, and ChiChi has to go to earth so that Frieza won't find out she exists."
"WHAT? But I don't wanna!" ChiChi complained.
"Yes you do! You do because it's normal!" the King roared back, trembling.
"YES! Awesome, I don't have to teach you how to fly anymore!" the prince celebrated, while running around in circles.
"Okay, so, we have your stuff packed and we have a boyfriend for you, who will be sent after Planet Vegeta is destroy- made peaceful." the King informed ChiChi. Nappa took ChiChi to a space-pod and sent her on her way, while King and Prince Vegeta high-fived each other and performed synchronized air guitar.
END FLASHBACK... END FLASHBACK... END FLASHBACK...
"Can you remind me why we care about each other again?" ChiChi grudgingly asked Vegeta. Before he could answer, a large group of dark clouds gathered over Kami's lookout. Goku's voice echoed out of the clouds.
"WHAT? You mean my whole life was just a set up? The marriage, the kids, the Vegeta, all of that was just a carefully planned out tactic to preserve our race?" Goku shouted angrily from the heavens.
"Um... yep, you have it nailed," the widowed Chi-Chi responded.
"Do you know how this makes me FEEL?"
"No... we don't care much either." Vegeta said, all matter-of-fact like.
Goku yelled again, and a massive ki ball came roaring out of the sky, killing both Vegeta and ChiChi.
"Skip to my lou, motherfuckers." Goku said triumphantly as his voice then his voice faded away while everyone was running out to see what happened.
THE END SO I WON'T HAVE TO TYPE "VEGETA" OUT AGAIN
SHIT, I JUST DID.
OH, WHATEVER.
