Chapter 11. Maura
Maura opened the door to her home and stepped inside. Carefully locking up behind her and throwing the bolt, she is constantly reminded of Jane's insistence that she be diligent about locking up every time she comes inside. Maura sighed. She missed Jane terribly. Carrying the grocery bags into the kitchen she quickly puts away the food she bought and grabs the open bottle of wine and a glass. Settling on the sofa she stares at the blank screen on the television set.
I didn't find a good documentary on tv for tonight, so that's out. If Jane were here, we'd be watching some sports program. Probably a game. Since Maura didn't follow sports she wasn't sure what sport was in season or wrapping up. All she knew was that since Jane moved out of the home they'd shared until recently, all was way too quiet.
What's for dinner? She thought. Let me distract myself by cooking. No, I'm not hungry. I'll just have a glass of wine before going to bed. Maura thought of all the food she'd thrown away these last couple of weeks. She was grocery shopping almost on automatic pilot, buying foodstuffs for Jane, although Jane wasn't there. When the food spoiled Maura threw it out then bought more. She refilled her wine glass.
I have to stop this, she thought. I pushed Jane away, pushed her out the door and told her to move on. Maura set the wine glass back on the coffee table. The lump in her throat was too large to allow her to swallow anything at all. Covering her face with her hands Maura began to sob. She thought this time the sobs were shaking her to her core.
The Sunday Times had been her favorite newspaper since she was a young teenager. All of the current events she needed for classes at school, movies, entertainment stories, coverage of museum exhibits opening, all provided nutrients for Maura's ever curious brain. She loved knowledge and felt her brain sink its teeth into a favorite article much like Jane Rizzoli sunk her teeth into her mother's gnocchi.
So when Maura opened the society page and saw her parents prominently pictured at a charity function she smiled. Then she screamed when she realized the man standing between them was Charles Hoyt, parading as Charles Warren, a philanthropist from New Zealand.
Jane flew in here when I screamed, her firearm drawn to protect me. Unfortunately the protection was futile. For the first time I saw how Jane's gun and love could not protect me. That was the beginning of the end.
At Jane's suggestion Maura called her parents. Hearing their voices, unconcerned, on the other end of the line did little to relieve Maura's anxiety. He can get to them anytime he wants, she remembered thinking.
That's when the enormity of Jane's terror engulfed Maura. She knew exactly how Jane felt those months before, when Hoyt first fixated on her, then his apprentice came after her to finish the job. I can't do this, Jane is a cop. I am not. What if he comes after me when Jane isn't around? Maura knew her fears were slightly irrational; Hoyt would be caught and returned to prison if he wasn't killed in the capture. Maura voted for someone to kill Hoyt when she saw what it did to her lover and now she renewed that wish.
Maura picked up her wineglass and purposely rinsed it out and put it away. If left out she might be tempted to finish off the wine bottle and she couldn't do that too often. The first week at the new precinct had been quiet, too quiet. Maura spent the week arranging the morgue and her new office to her liking but it left her mind wide open to review her thoughts. Missing Jane in her life, missing Frost and Korsak and their banter, missing feeling like part of a family as the Rizzoli family dinner nights came and went without Maura.
She smiled as she remembered the first Rizzoli gnocchi night she missed. She spent extra time in the morgue but she was shoe shopping online as a distraction. Realizing she wasn't distracted by shoes, or tempted to buy anything with the name Choo or Laboutin attached, Maura turned off her computer and decided to leave. As she pulled her Mercedes out of the parking lot she steered toward the Rizzoli family home. She parked half a block away and watched. Her heart hurt at the thought of no longer being welcomed by Angela and Frank Rizzoli. They probably hated her now. Maura wanted to weep at the thought.
The house looked like it always did when she and Jane came for dinner. The dining room light was lit, the living room in partial darkness. Maura knew Angela and Jane would be in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. Frankie is seated at his place, waiting for dinner to be put on the table. Frank Sr. sits in his big easy chair, watching sports news.
The tears started to flow again. Maura didn't know what to do to correct her life. The thought of being without Jane in her life left her feeling bereft, unloved and unlovable. She hated that feeling. But Hoyt's face flashed across her mind and she couldn't change her mind and return to Jane.
The two siblings stood at the front picture window and watched the Mercedes.
"Do you think she's coming in?" Frankie asked.
"Doubt it. Maura probably thinks she isn't welcome here by now," Jane answered.
"Want me to go get her?" he asked.
"No. It won't change anything, Frankie. She doesn't want me, she doesn't get my family anymore."
"But thanks for asking, Frankie."
Maura turned the key in her ignition. She pulled away as quietly as possible and returned to her empty house. A new bottle of wine was chilling in the refrigerator and had her name on it.
Every week since then, Maura did her best to forget about the Rizzoli family more and more. She caught up on reading back issues of various medical journals; she began writing more scientific articles on subjects she enjoyed. Weekends she wasn't on call Maura spent in museums, art galleries, at her parents' beach house, in New York, shopping. The only problem was Maura's loneliness. Every where she went, every brunette she saw she thought was Jane.
The previous weekend she spent in New York. Jimmy Choo launched his new line of heels and she was there, picking up new pairs for the new season. She treated herself to a new wardrobe and briefly flirted with the idea of going to Paris for the spring launch of new fashions. In the end Maura realized the only problem was, she wanted to spend the springtime in Paris-with Jane. She wanted to surprise Jane with a late honeymoon trip to Paris. Maura scrapped her plans for travel and went back to her dull life.
She remembered a quote said in a movie she no longer remembered: if you've never had love you don't know what you're missing. But if you've loved and lost, then the pain is all the more acute because you know what you're missing out on.
I did this when I was younger. I was alone all the time. I never had a friend, much less a best friend. Until Garrett Fairfield came along I never had a boyfriend. I didn't date. I spent my weekends alone, researching, doing my homework, reading in the library. I was perfectly content to do that then, and I'll have to be content with it now. I'll be alone for the rest of my life and I need to get that through my big brain.
The only problem now is my big brain needs to tell my heart without breaking it into two pieces.
Maura went to bed early, read the last medical journal on her nightstand, turned the light off and tried to make herself comfortable. Tears threatened again. She sighed. No more tears, she willed. Let me sleep without crying first. Maura shut her eyes.
"Hey, Maur, you asleep?" she remembered Jane saying the first night they spent together as lovers.
"Almost." Maura's voice sounded as if she was gliding along on cloud nine. Making love with Jane Rizzoli was different from any other lover Maura ever had.
"I'm in love with you, Maura. Have been since we first met." Maura smiled. Jane was holding her tight.
"I know. I've been in love with you since then, also. I was afraid tonight would never happen."
"I'm not good at relationships, Maur. If I screw up you're going to have to tell me. If I act wrong toward you please tell me. I never want to hurt you."
"You won't."
"I can't live without her in my life. Jane, you have to take me back," Maura said aloud and sat up. "I can't be alone the rest of my life. If Hoyt kills me, kills us both, at least we'll have been together until the end. I can't run and hide all my life." She got up and headed for the closet, to get dressed. She was going to go to Jane and beg her to come back even if it took all night long and Maura had to get on her knees and beg.
Just as Maura opened the closet door she caught a glimpse of a greasy smile and heard a familiar stomach turning laugh.
"We meet again, Dr. Isles."
TBC. Yeah okay, don't kill me. You know how I love cliffhangers. The next chapter will be up soon.
