XX
"Matthew…" Sybil's voice raised a pitch in hopes it would break through his opposition. She offered up the gaze of a tragic brown eyed girl.

He responded with one eyebrow kiltered as if to say "nice try, but still no."

Sybil wanted to have an end of term party celebrating her year's Fashion Institute Design Showcase victory.

"But we just have to have the party at Downton." She began to martial her arguments. "There's plenty of room. We all can ride up in the train. I've already set up with the band and the food. I've… I've got everything arranged."

He still looked skeptical.

"You won't have to do a thing. Rose has said she'd help set everything up at Downton."

Matthew's eyes met Roses' across the booth. "Judas." But he cracked a smile.

Rose responded in kind. "Stop being an obstinate old man. Act your age."

He groaned into his hands. There was just so much to do. He found out last week that he and Will were being sent to Chicago to broker a deal between an English telecom firm and an American competitor. He was up to his neck in detailed legal tedium. This party would be within the same fortnight. He could not wrap his brain around the details. Would Cora want it? She was coming back from California within a few days. Would she defer to his status as Earl? Would he miss her return flight as he was flying out within the same 24 hours?

The decision was most probably his own.

Sybil clutched his arm gently. She gave him a direct look. "You're thinking too much. You'll be home in time. Just come and enjoy yourself. We've all been so sad. We all need this."

That was a good argument. Matthew had to agree at least to that point. It was now almost five months since Robert's death and the overwhelming sense of grief and sadness that pervaded the household was still ever present. It needed release. He needed a release.

"Fine. Fine. Ok then." He replied as a slow grin edged across his face. "But you have to promise everyone will be over 18." He stuck out a finger and continued "and anything that goes on that I don't want to know about…. I don't want to know about."

Sybil's hug felt good around his neck.

He always said he never minded being an only child. But looking at Sybil and Rose already conspiring to rent the biggest party tent available across the restaurant table he realized how rich his life had become.

They had all become a family. A rather odd, certainly dysfunctional family.

But one he could not think of being without.

With one exception.

Mary.

He needed Mary.

He wanted Mary back in their life.

In his life.

He needed to do something about that. They had made such progress in the past few weeks. More than he ever anticipated.

But he now worried that he had messed it all up.

The previous night he impetuously texted Mary about his trip to Chicago. He had offered up a wild idea that they could meet. He'd set it all up. He sent it and waited.

No response.

She wasn't ready. He was stupid.

Maybe he'd gone too far.

XX

Mary received his text while packing. But she did not know how to respond.

She was going to London. He was going to be in Chicago.

She shook her head at the irony.

This was such their life. They would always be the accursed star crossed lovers destined never to be together.

Unless they changed it.

That was a sobering thought.

He had made several moves in that direction. She, in turn, seemed crippled with inaction.

Her body ached for his fingertips to glide across her skin. She knew that. But also knew how these things ended. How they always had ended. They had such baggage. More than the porters at King's Cross. More than she could tolerate at most times.

The ghosts of their past arguments, their past hurts rose up in her mind and stopped her from making the next step.

She was happy in this life. Ryan was a good man. She had argued as much with Anna. He offered her a future free of her past. That was enticing in its own way.

She wished she did not have to make any decision.

Why did it have to be one way or the other?

The more she thought about this the more a solution reached her. Why did she have to make a decision? As Anna had said, who said anything about marriage or commitment?

She was a free woman as much as Matthew was the eligible bachelor.

She had made no promises to Ryan. He knew that.

She could do as she wanted.

That was, of course, if Matthew agreed to the same.

Matthew,

I hope this finds you well. I know you're busy. We've had to do so much recently we've hardly had time to talk or Skype.

The letter came in a rush one night. Before her mother left, Mary wrote out her thoughts. It seemed more personal than a text, call or email.

Matthew would understand once he read it.

Matthew would understand…

She would give it to her mother and ask that she hand deliver it to Matthew before he left for America.

He just had to read it.

I received your text about your trip to Chicago. Funnily enough I have some news as well.

I am coming to London for several weeks to help open the CC Foundation's new branch office. Ryan is sending me. I know the two of you don't get along. I told you he had no hold over my life. We are dating. I don't want to lie to you. But having said that I know that I've not made up my mind on any kind of long term commitment. We've been through that and failed. I've told him I don't want to go there again just yet. My life is good. I have learned that one must live one's own life…you know that's why I left. I know that hurt you. But it has made me who I am now. And I think I'm a better person for having done it.

I find that I can say things to you from this safe distance of an ocean and a continent… things we've kept from each other for years. I feel so close to you now. Ever since our time before and after Dad's funeral. Your strength allowed me to get through the darkest days. You are my support… my stick. You kept me standing and able to endure. The person I can always rely on. I hope you know that. Taking charge of Dad's debts shows a loyalty and love to my family…to our family… proves it again. I worry it will overwhelm and burden you with all these unexpected responsibilities when you already have so much.

Even as we are apart we know each other. We still love each other. I know you know that even if we've never spoken the words. We've always understood one another where words were unnecessary…even got in the way when we did speak. We ended up hurting each other. Or when you stopped looking at me. I didn't know how to reach you. To tell you what I needed.

Now we've come so far. I needed that time apart. But now we've reconnected and I don't want to lose this either.

Having said all this I find I've not yet even come to the reason I'm writing this letter. I must put into words before we meet again… words of what I'm struggling to say… so that we are clear in understanding even if I'm being muddle headed about saying it. ..It's so odd in black and white putting this down on paper… and I want you to be able to reject what I'm saying without offense. But I can no longer keep my heart under control.

I want to be with you. I think you know what that means. Remember our first time… we had actually talked it out and agreed we needed to sleep together before the marriage and honeymoon to get over the awkwardness as we barely knew each other. I knew you and yet I didn't know you at all. It was and is the strangest sensation. One I struggle to put into words but I know you feel as well. We were so bad at it at first. I struggled to let you in. You were afraid of being vulnerable. Only when our bodies touched did we let go. We were together. We are good together.

Maybe our kind of love doesn't make for long term success. I don't know. I don't know that it matters anymore. All I know is I want to be with you. Just us two. No commitments. No terms. Just us. For right now. We can take it slow. As slow as you want. I don't have any answers. I wish I did. I wish I could tell you something definitive. But not yet…not just yet.

To deny love on any terms is something I can no longer live with.

Can you?

I know unless I say the words you won't do anything. Your sense of honor is strong. So I'm taking the initiative. I'll be arriving in London in a few days.

Let's not talk again until I arrive. I want you to think about what I'm saying. I want you to tell me face to face. So I can see your eyes and know.

See you soon.

Yours in love,

Mary

It was done.

She sealed the envelope before she reconsidered any word, any thought in the letter.

Would he think it awful of her? Forward?

Would he agree?

Did he want her as much as she wanted him?

Was she asking too much? Or too little?

Was she doing the right thing? Or ruining everything?

Mary grunted in frustration. She wanted to turn her brain off! She opened the door to her room and walked into the guest bedroom where her mother had stayed for the past several months.

"Would you please give this to Matthew." She pushed out her hand and gave the envelope to Cora. "I think you'll see him before he has to leave for that business trip."

Cora took the envelope from Mary's hand. She looked across at her daughter's eyes. Mary's teeth were biting her lip in a kind of nervousness.

She knew better than to ask the contents. Cora was simply relieved the two were talking once again. Such reconnection could only be a good thing.

Cora was ready to return home. Even as it was no longer her home. She had spent this time in California visiting not only Mary but reconnecting herself with relatives from Connecticut and New York. It had been good. Healing. But now she had to face her new life. She was ready.

She placed the envelope in her suitcase. Mary was to drive her to the airport the next day and after a couple of layovers she would return to London where Sybil was to meet her and the two would then drive to Downton. After a couple of days rest she could get organized on moving into Crawley House in the village.

XX

Matthew received Cora's message that she had arrived in London safely. He realized she was under the impression he was still in the country.

But he was already at O'Hare getting his luggage and pulling it to the cab Will had hailed. The autumnal Chicago wind whipped and blustered fiercely as he put the bags in the trunk. It stung his eyes and pushed his hair in his eyes as he tried to see where he was going while texting back a response.

He wasn't at Downton. Cora responded that it was fine.

He had already told Mary that a change in meeting times between the two telecomm giants necessitated an earlier departure than he anticipated.

But that it did not mean they could still not rendezvous.

Mary had texted him simply that she could not make a Chicago rendezvous as he had suggested.

He was not sure how to take in that information.

He got in the cab. Exhausted. Jet lagged. And frustrated beyond reason.

Mary had continually been so distant in her recent texts.

She seemed preoccupied and Matthew chalked it up to how busy they both were recently. He tried not to let it bother him.

Once they got to the hotel, booked into the rooms and returned downstairs, Will and Matthew headed straight for the pub across the street.

"Ah. It looks like I'm going to like Chicago." Will said, as he pulled on his pint of bitter. "They cater to Englishmen who are famished and thirsty for home."

Matthew smiled. He was to take the lead in the delicate negotiations the next morning and with the jet lag included he decided to abstain from any alcohol.

"Do you think we'll have time to take in a Cubs game?" Will asked looking through some tourist brochures.

He looked up. "You know… if all goes well and we get out early."

Matthew shrugged. "What do you know about baseball anyway?"

"Nothing. But I want a hot dog and American beer." Will grinned.

Matthew laughed but kept pulling out his mobile and checking it for messages.

"You know a watched phone never rings." Will said. "What is going on anyway?"

"Umm… nothing." Matthew replied. And that was the trouble. Nothing.

"Keep your head in the game." Will intoned trying to look serious. "Are we ready for tomorrow?"

"It's in the bag." Matthew nodded.

They both relaxed a bit more.

"Did my Dad make it alright to York before you left?" Will asked. "You know he still hasn't got the hang of modern technology. If the phone isn't hooked up in the cottage, I won't hear from him."

The senior William Mason had taken up Matthew's job offer of Downton Estate Manager after the two had met at the big house. Mason had his own smaller farm and had tended the estate managing duties of several outlying estates surrounding Downton but had decided to retire early. His wife had recently died and he thought it was what he wanted.

Only to find out he hated retirement. So when Will pointed out the advert Matthew had placed in several local papers as well as the online York job search sites, Mason had applied.

Matthew needed the help. While the gardens were under the tender care of the Molesely family for generations, the thousands of acres of Downton included farmland which brought in oats, wheat, barley, and several types of vegetables needed more management than Matthew could provide on his own. After he fired McGrath he tried to take on the added responsibilities. But he needed help.

There were grazing sheep and woodlands to care for. They recently expanded the animal feed business that had been the most profitable farm product in recent years. Matthew was considering expanding even further into grain processing at an extension farm of the estate.

Matthew could not believe his luck in acquiring Mason. Not only could he work with the gentle spoken but keenly intelligent man, he implicitly trusted his judgment as he shared Matthew's own sense of tradition mixed with a healthy if reluctance acceptance of modernity. He was willing to learn however.

"Yes he did. And I feel much better about leaving because of it." Despite that statement of faith, however, frankly Matthew was just eager to get these negotiations over with and go home.

The next few days crawled by in exhaustive negotiations that threatened to kill him with boredom.

And still no response from Mary.

The flight back was torturous. He hated long airplane rides in the first place and even in first class the droning of the engines, the hours of delay with the stopover in Copenhagen, just sitting on the tarmac once they arrived back at Leeds, and the incredible fatuousness of the man sitting next to him made him think murderous thoughts.

Why hadn't Mary responded to his texts?

What was going on?

He tried not to fret about it. They both were very busy.

But yet it seemed deliberate on her part. It had an air of mystery about it.

After another train ride, the picking up of his own car from the car park, and the drive back to Downton Matthew was more than glad to be home.

He threw his bags down in the main saloon and went in search of food and drink. He had arranged with Mrs. Patmore that if he arrived late to have some dinner ready on a plate and he would take care of it.

So he was surprised to find Cora waiting for him.

"Cora." He said, moving towards her and giving her a hug. "So glad to see you again but you didn't have to wait up for me."

"Oh nonsense. I wanted to see you."

The two made their way down to the kitchen where Cora had set out what Mrs. Patmore left, already heated and ready to eat.

Matthew was more than grateful. The two sat at the long table in what had been the old servant's dining hall.

"I'm actually only here overnight. I've been at Crawley House getting some things prepared for my move. But with Mary being in London…" Cora began.

Matthew's head jerked up. "What?" He asked sharply. His breath ragged. He had no idea.

"Didn't you know?" Cora looked confused. Mary had been very evasive with her as well. But she assumed her daughter had told Matthew of her plans.

"I know we had our schedules mixed up but I thought she would have told you…" She trailed off.

Matthew continued to stare unblinking across the table. He tried to take in Cora's words but all he kept hearing was 'Mary's in London…' He was not taking in anything she was saying.

Cora kept talking about certain plans she was making. While she wanted to see Mary she had actually agreed to travel with Violet up to Scotland to Duneagle while the renovations at Crawley House were complete.

"And besides, with this party of Sybil's coming up… "Cora finally got Matthew's attention back.

He groaned. Started to curse, caught himself and then just said, "I tried to put that out of my mind. It's this week end isn't it?"

He was not in the mood. Not at all.

"I will be well out of the way with Violet in Scotland." Cora grinned. "You can deal with it."

The two made their way back upstairs to the main hall. Matthew started to carry his bags up to his room.

Cora walked with him and continued down the hall to her own suite. She returned as he opened his door back up to go check the office downstairs.

"Matthew." He stopped at the top of the stairs.

"I have something for you." Cora put out her hand.

He took the envelope from her grip. He looked directly at Cora. He recognized the handwritten Matthew on the front of the envelope.

"It's from Mary." Cora explained. "I think this is why she's been so distant with us recently. She had hoped to find you home when I first got back. So it's been quite a wait for her to have you return home so I could give this to you."

His hand shook as he took the envelope from Cora.

Mary wrote him a letter.

"I…" He did not know what to say. "Thank you."

They hugged once more.

Matthew retreated into his room.

He tore open the envelope.

Read the contents.

Read them again….

Greedily… Hungrily…

and again"I am coming to London …You are my support… my stick …We still love each other… I want to be with you. I think you know what that means….We can take it slow. Yours in love… Mary

His breath hitched and caught in the back of his throat. A keen sense of anticipatory pleasure flooded his body.

This happened. She took the next step. He could read between the lines to see her struggle. They both had hurt each other in the past by taking things too fast.

Now they were on the precipice of something new… something exciting and yet precarious…

Each could still end up with a broken heart.

It was a risk…. But it was also a chance…

He understood what she wanted. He accepted her terms.

Matthew got out his mobile and clicked Sybil's number.

"Sybil… you are going to invite Mary to the party right…" and he bit his lip in anticipation of her answer.

XX

So … please please understand where they're coming from here. MM are still haunted by their past hurts and are wary of starting anything long term so soon after coming back together. So a time of no commitments… just fun… seems (and I stress seems) the right thing… we'll see how it works out…