Chapter 11

The Feelings Inside

When Snape woke up that morning he found himself in the men's cabin on his makeshift bed on the floor. He felt shaky and sore and, even though staying in bed was tempting he thought better of it. The order had a lot to discuss that morning as to what they were going to do when they arrive in Romania, and Snape knew he would be the only one to remember. Everyone else would, of course, want to have "fun" and explore the ship. How immature. As he climbed out of bed the ship lurched to the side and, as Snape clung to the nearest pole, he swallowed the sick feeling building in his stomach. He did not need a repeat episode of last night. As he thought back to lupin's strong arms carrying him to bed that night and blushed. Well, not everything that night had been terrible. But of course, it had meant nothing, lupin would have done it for anyone, it's just how he is. He didn't really mean anything to lupin and, now he considered it, he never would. He thought back to all those times he tried to avoid his mirror back at Hogwarts because he was terrified of what he would see. Sadness filled Snape's chest and engulfed him. He was ugly and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. He didn't have a chance at anything.

These thoughts continued through his head all the way to the galley, where, he was sure, the order would be. Thoughts like these were a common thing for Severus Snape and it often showed on his face. He had never been considered a happy or friendly man and why should he be. His life was one filled with misery and as he walked into the galley, it went beyond misery. There, as soon as he had stepped over the threshold and into the galley, was lupin with Tonks stuck on his lips. Lupin had his hands on her waist and she had hers in his short brown hair. Snape immediately found himself horribly jealous. He wanted to be the one running his hands through Lupins thick locks. It was official. He was hooked on Lupin. Because of this Tonks had made her way onto Snape's list of people to hate. He was going to put her on the list of people he wanted to kill, but thought better of it when Lupin looked into her eyes. Lupin cared about her, which was something that Snape was never going to experience. Seeing him look at her that way made his heart ache and his eyes burn with tears. It was only his years with the death eaters that prevented him from showing his pain. The pain was terrible, he wanted to get out of there but all he could do was mumble and look uneasy. He only slightly registered Molly talking to him and touching his arm. But all he could see was Lupin. He had just moved away from Tonks, looking as though he'd been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. No doubt that wouldn't have been the case if he hadn't just walked in on them. Molly had now murdered his personal bubble and, what with everything else, he'd had enough and squawked that he wanted her out of it. Tonks got rid of "said problem" and it then left lupin and himself alone. Alone, oh crap! He tried to make conversation but all he could say was-

"So... You and Tonks. Are you a couple?"

Lupin blushed. Damn it, they were together, his heart sank further. He had no chance.

"Well, um... I guess you could say that- but we haven't got very far or anything." Lupin wasn't looking at him. That was never a good sign.

"Look, I need to apologise for last night, or thank you. I kind of don't know how you're meant to respond in a situation like this the next day."

"Oh, it was fine, I couldn't sleep anyway. I like looking after people."

"But, you hate me." he blurted out, he was tired and his brain just didn't seem to be working right.

"Hate is a strong word, Severus. I only hate pure evil. Humans don't deserve to be hated, we all make mistakes. It's when they purposely cause harm that I tend to hate people."

"Whatever. Look, is there going to be a meeting or not because I have better things that I could be doing."

"Like what Severus? We have a two month break. You can take some time off."

"You really are thick, who's going to make a stock of first aid potions like your wolfsbane potion, huh lupin? Obviously you didn't use your brain again. At the rate that everything is going, I'm also going to be the one who has to organise our new identities and jobs for each of us. I have plenty to do." Snape felt flustered and angry. Yet again, nobody recognised his efforts for the order. He was an invisible nobody.