"No."
"Honey, you aren't allowed to say no until tomorrow."
I fought the urge to swoon at Tyler calling me honey, settling instead for glaring in their general direction as I tried to tug the hem of my dress down.
"Stop it," Reid slapped at my hands, earning him a teeth baring hiss in reply that had his cat-ate-the-canary grin widening.
"Nice," he commented, reaching forward to pull open the front door. "They're going to love you."
My breath caught in my chest at that reminder and I actually choked a little on my saliva as I wheezed at him.
"You bastard."
"Not according to my mother," was his cheerful reply as Tyler placed a hand in the small of my back and gave me a small shove forward.
My expression went a little slack and reality swam for a few moments and suddenly I was inside and walking with very little memory of how I'd gotten then aside from…
"This is all your fault," I hissed twisting slightly to glare at Reid and completely avoid looking at Tyler.
Looking at Tyler was bad for my concentration and I needed every bit of it that I could scrap together if I was going to do the family name proud.
"Don't blame me," Reid replied, rubbing an eyebrow with a wide smirk before pointing to me with the same finger. "They're your hormones."
I flushed scarlet as Tyler chuckled and hugged myself closer as shivers reverberated up and down my spine at the noise.
"Evil," I muttered under my breath.
"We're here," Reid stated, drawing my attention back to the reality of the moment as I pasted my best fake smile in place and braced myself for the torture ahead.
"Son!" Reid's father was tall, blonde, cheerfully enthusiastic, and obviously…not surprised to see me.
"You must be the Angel who's been giving my boy a run for his money," was his greeting as he pulled out a seat for me. "Sit! Sit! I want to hear all about it."
Twenty minutes in Mr. 'Call me Ethan' Garwin's company and I came to the sinking realization that Reid's devilish streak was inherited.
When his mother appeared, Tyler's parents in tow, I was actually so relieved my smile became real for about five seconds until Mr. Simms greeted me with 'So you're the girl who's been stalking my son.'
And then his mother said 'You're a lot prettier than I expected.'
And to top it all off, Caleb and Pogue showed up with his parents.
"You fucker," I simpered at Reid as the parents greeted each other happily.
"Language, Angel," Reid reminded me, reaching up to curl a tangle of my hair around his finger. I reacted by pounding my fist down as close to his groin as I could get, receiving a soothing reward with his choking gasp and his father's worried exclamation about being choked up in the presence of a real lady.
He managed to pull off that statement with such utter innocence and cheerful disregard that I found my estimation of him rising to almost equal parts to that of his son.
Sneaky bastard, I admitted with grudging respect as Tyler, who was sitting on my opposite side, slung his arm over my shoulders, drawing my attention over to him as I caught sight of the evil look in Reid's eyes.
"So," Tyler broke in, and I could just make out his own devil-may-care smile through the sudden glazed adoration that seemed to me emanating from my insides.
Oh good God, my inner voice snapped. Snap out of it, you crazy bitch!
I shook my head slightly, narrowing my eyes as Pogue started laughing and even Caleb was grinning, the parents pasting politely interested smiles on their faces but you'd have to be a complete moron not to notice the twitching lips and crinkling eyes.
"Angel," Tyler's mother broke in, drawing my attention in her direction. "The boys tell us donating their underwear to the Charity Auction was your idea. However did you manage to convince them to go through with it?"
"Yes, Angel, I'd really like to know," Ethan Garwin broke in, his fingers firmly entwined with his wife's as he blinked his baby blues in my direction, the humorous gleam in their depths making it damn well clear that he knew how exactly I had done it.
Seven plus years of Breaking and Entering experience, would have been my honest answer if I had felt that it was safe to be honest. But since Tyler's dad was a lawyer and I was not desirous of a return to County lock-up, I pasted a wide smile on my face and summoned the best damn answer I could think of.
"Magic."
There was a sort of dumbstruck silence as everyone at the table gaped at me.
My first instinct was that maybe they were religious or something. You know, uber Christians who hated the word magic and thought that Penn and Teller were instruments of Satan that deserved to be burned at the stake.
My second thought, as Mrs. Garwin's lips twitched and Mr. Parry choked slightly, his wife patting him enthusiastically on the back as she continued to stare at me in some odd sort of wide-eyed wonder, was that maybe they weren't religious. Maybe they were just stupid and actually thought I was being serious.
"Charms?" I hazarded as a pseudo-second guess. "Magical Charms?"
My eyes rolled over towards Reid who had his head cocked the side, his bottom lip firmly embedded between his teeth as he seemed to struggle with himself for some sort of reaction.
"I offered them puppies?" I mean, after all, who doesn't like puppies? They're cute, cuddly, they love to lick your face, your ears, they eat everything, defecate anywhere, and smell whenever you get them wet…
"Feminine wiles?"
By now Mr. Simms had his hand up covering his face and hiding his reaction. Mr. Parry had given up on not choking and was fully embracing whatever was stuck in his throat as he let his head drop to the table, a spastic snort emerging from his mouth.
Mrs. Parry looked like she really want to have some sort of reaction, but settled for continuing to stare at me in puzzled wonderment.
Mrs. Garwin had her head buried in her husbands shoulder, her mouth moving at a rapid pace but her words too quiet for me to hear.
Mrs. Simms had her lips pursed and was quite obviously biting the inside of her cheek for all the good it did. Her eyes were still watering and her body was still shaking as she struggled not to give in the urge to laugh.
And Mr. Garwin?
Mr. Garwin had a piece of asparagus on his fork which he was studying with the utmost concentration.
"I think they used low-fat butter on this," he murmured, twisting it as if to find an answer to his question on its other side. "Does it taste funny to you?"
And he offered his fork to me, asparagus on it, leaving me in the awkward position of refusing.
"Allergic?" Mr. Garwin winced sympathetically.
"Sort of."
Actually, I just hate it, didn't seem like a very appropriate response and we were all about appropriate responses here.
Especially since the parents were acting like teenagers who had just heard their first dirty joke, while Tyler had released my hair (which I was grateful for since his touching me had been what set this whole thing off in the first place) and turned his attention to his meal, tears dripping down his face as he did a hell of a lot better job suppressing his laughter than his mother was.
Pogue was in hysterics, Caleb was conversing with Mr. Garwin about the state of the asparagus which left me wondering as to the eldest Sons mental state and Reid…
"See?" Reid speared a shaft of broccoli and pointed it at me before biting it off. "I told you they'd love you."
"Your families are freakin' lunatics," was my reply. "Pass the salt."
"So you're a Junior like the boys," Mr. Parry re-initiated conversation after an appropriate span of time had passed and the adults had regained control of themselves, thank fucking God. If they so much as twitched one more time I would have forgotten my manners and forked the whole lot of them to the tabletop. "Do you have any idea what sort of internship you'd like to try next year?"
Since I'd decided about fifteen minutes ago that the Sons of Ipswich were descendent from a bunch of crazies, I'd been stuffing my face with as much good food as I could, mostly the rolls and honey butter, so that when they started in on their weird hoodoo-voodoo insanity that undoubtedly would follow their degeneration back into childhood I could book it on a full belly.
As such, when Mr. Parry asked his question, I had half a roll stuffed into my mouth, puffing out my cheeks and making me look like a demented red-headed chipmunk.
"Genetics?" I hazarded, trying like hell not to spit crumbs in his general direction.
Pogue started laughing again and I was sorely tempted to chuck the next roll at his head, but that would have been a waste of a perfectly delicious roll, so I settled for glaring and mental recalculation of plans to include Pogue in the revenge schema somewhere.
And then I remembered Rob and Pogue's boxers, which failed to adhere to the 'forever out of mind' clause that had been part of that little exchange, and decided that maybe I'd better let Pogue have his fun now so he had plenty of good memories so that when he figured out the truth, be it tomorrow or twenty-years from now, I had enough good karma in his books to avoid him killing me.
My smile must have seemed a little demented because Pogue stopped laughing to stare at me in horrified fascination.
"Your foods showing, dear," his mother pointed out very politely, the whole lot of them equally politely ignoring my embarrassed flush.
"Genetics," Mr. Parry stated, frowning slightly. "I didn't know they offered that at Spencers."
"My father knows some people," was my haphazardly true response. My father did know people.
As to whether or not he knew anybody who did anything in genetics…it was entirely possible.
"I hear you have two older brothers," Mr. Garwin, who I was supposed to be calling Ethan but didn't really want to since the man was almost as deviously scary as his son…or maybe moreso…, was the next to initiate the talking.
"Dill and Pickle," I agreed solemnly as I swallowed the last of the roll in my mouth, eyeing the roll on my plate for a moment before deciding that right now had been apparently declared Talking Time and it was rude to talk with your mouthful.
Again.
"What odd names," Mrs. Simms murmured quietly as she cocked her head to the side and blinked at me. "Are they French?"
"No," I replied, blinking my own eyes at her in bewilderment. "They're American."
"Like Valassic," was Pogue's helpful contribution.
"Who?" I squinted at him, confused.
"It's a brand of pickles," Caleb broke in, shooting a half exasperated look in Pogue's direction.
"Oh." I blinked at that, my eyes widening slightly as Mrs. Simms words went through my 'Normal People Speak' filter.
"Oh!" I smiled widely as I turned to look at her. "Their real names are Dylan and Parker," I explained quickly. "And they're identical twins so I started calling them Dill and Pickle based on their facial expressions."
"Facial expressions?" Mrs. Simms murmured faintly, exchanging befuddled looks with the other two women.
"Well, Dill kind of has this permanent sour expression on his face," I picked up a stalk of asparagus and used my fork to give it a few squiggly facial expressions lines. "And Parker kind of has this spotty way of looking."
I mutilated another asparagus stalk, poking a couple of holes in it before setting the two stalks side by side and beaming at my artistic genius.
"Really?" Mr. Garwin beamed as he glanced back and forth between my two edible representations of my familial unit. "I can't tell the difference."
"That's cause they're twins," I replied cheerfully. "You have to get real close and say something stupid before their differences become apparent."
"Like what?" Mr. Garwin leaned forward, giving the appearance of being supremely interested in our conversation.
I tried to think back to the last conversation – face-to-face – that I had had with the twins.
"Well, the last time it was about sandwiches…"
"Sandwiches?" Tyler choked out, his voice squeaking slightly and ruining his innate sexy appeal enabling me to maintain my concentration.
"Dill told me that there was nothing in the fridge that you could make a sandwich out of and I told him I could make a sandwich out of anything and so I did and then Pickle," I picked up the appropriate asparagus stalk for each brother and set them facing each other as I talked. "Pickle told me that that wasn't a sandwich it was a level three biohazard and since he works for the CDC I'm pretty sure he knows what he's talking about. So I asked him if that meant that if I got caught carrying the sandwich on a subway in New York, did that make me a bio-terrorist? And he told me yes," the stalk designated Parker wiggled enthusiastically. "And then Dill," the Dill stalk gave a little skip at becoming an active participant in the story, "asked Pickle how one would go about charging me with a crime, stating that there was no law on the books saying that a girl couldn't have a sandwich while riding the subway. And then Pickle hit Dill upside the head and said 'It's not a sandwich anymore, dumbass. It's a biological weapon.' And Dill argued that if I could eat it and not die then it couldn't be a biological weapon. So I tried to take a bite of it and they tackled me to the floor where Dill started yelling at me while Pickle flushed it down the toilet."
I concluded my story with a dramatic flourish of my asparagus actors, beaming as I looked upwards to take in my audiences reactions.
Dumbstruck silence greeted me and I winced slightly as I looked over at Mr. Garwin.
"You have asparagus falling out of your mouth."
"Huh?" was his reply, blinking himself out of his startled daze as he realized the food he'd carefully placed in his mouth had been steadily falling out for a while now.
"What?" Mrs. Garwin shook her head to regain her equilibrium, staring around the table in bewilderment at the other completely befuddled faces.
Even the Sons looked completely gravied by my story and I got the sinking feeling that maybe, just perhaps, I'd short-circuited all their powers of mental deduction.
Which was just about perfect, actually.
I smiled blandly at the whole table as I wiped my mouth.
"I have to pee."
"You have to come pick me up," I informed Alyssa in half-panic as I paced the swanky ladies room of the high-posh restaurant Reid and Tyler had kidnapped me to. "These people are fucking loons."
The terms of the agreement they'd hammered out with Vivian concerning my auctioning off had been fairly simple and straightforward: as long as I remained healthy, sane, and an active participant in all of this evenings socially acceptable activities, I was theirs to do with as they pleased until midnight.
It was only eight o'clock right now and I just knew that if I tried for midnight, somebody would be dead.
At this point, it was blind hope on my part that it would be me.
"They haven't tried anything unbecoming towards you, have they?"
"Unbecoming of what?" I questioned blankly. "Human beings? Boys? Perverts?"
"All of the above," was Alyssa's succinct reply.
"No, but I think I just killed their parents."
"WHAT?!" The cry wasn't Alyssa's but rather Vivian's and Danielle's and Zac's and some other people whose voices I couldn't readily identify.
"Alyssa?" I winced as I stared at the phone for one long bewildered moment.
"Angel," Alyssa's grave voice came back on the line.
"Who the hell were those people?"
"You're deflowering party," was Alyssa's dry response.
"My what-a party?"
"They're celebrating you having sex with Tyler and Reid."
"Oh." I blinked at that. "When is that supposed to be happening? Did they tell you that was the plan for tonight?"
There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the phone.
"That isn't their plan?" Even Alyssa sounded vaguely puzzled by this turn of events.
"Not unless it includes their parents."
"Their parents?" Alyssa's voice rose in pitch and there was a lot of feverish whispering going on behind her. "You're with their parents?"
"They took me to dinner," I replied. "With their parents, only I think I may have just killed them."
Another long pause.
"Their parents?"
"Yes," I confirmed, nodding my head and feeling completely ridiculous because, honestly, who nods their head at the phone?
"How?"
"I don't know!" I hissed back. "I mean, one second I was telling them about Dill and Pickle and the Sandwich War and the next they were just sitting there looking like an atom bomb had completely obliterated their brain cells! I think they're brain dead!"
I sort of wailed the last part, one hand gripping at my hair and tugging a few strands loose from the swanky style Josephine had done earlier that day.
"They took you to meet their parents?" Alyssa repeated, making it abundantly obvious she hadn't reached the point where she was able to process the second half of what I had told her.
"Yes." I confirmed.
"Dinner with the parents?" Alyssa quadruple checked.
"YES! Why? What's so damn important about that?"
"Angel," Alyssa informed me with the slightest edge of panic to her words. "Listen to me carefully: do not go near any chapels, churches, court-houses, or anybody dressed like Elvis in the next four hours."
"Huh?"
"They're going to marry her!" Vivian exclaimed in the background, startling me damn close to a heart attack.
"Wha – what? Huh? Alyssa?" I leaned back against the bathroom wall, gaping at nothing and clutching at my chest.
"There's only one reason guys like that bring girls like you home to meet their parents."
"But we're seventeen," I wheezed. "It isn't even legal."
"Not in the states," was Alyssa's ominous reply.
"Oh God." I breathed, staring blankly at the mirror across from me. "Oh God. I have to – I'm going to – "
I wheezed again. "If you don't hear from me in twenty-four hours, start calling the foreign embassies. Start with France. It's been nice knowing you."
Shutting the phone and tucking it securely in my bra in case I needed it later, I hitched myself up onto the ledge of the bathrooms only window, feet kicking as I wiggled my front half through only to come to a yelping halt as someone inside grabbed my legs and yanked me back down.
"Found her," Caleb chirped cheerfully as he not-so-gently steered me back into my seat between an amused Reid and an equally pleased Tyler.
"Dear," Mrs. Simms clucked her tongue as she stared at me.
"What?" I asked, somewhat dazedly.
"You have foliage in your hair."
"It's been wonderful," Mrs. Garwin informed me with a smile as she placed a kiss on my cheek, hugging me close for a moment before passing me on to Mrs. Simms who repeated the gestures. Mrs. Parry settled for a slight handshake leaving me with a queasy feeling in my gut as the fathers collected their wives and headed for their respective cars.
"I'll be seeing you around," Mr. Garwin promised me with a quick wink that had my panic rising.
"What does that mean?" I jiggled in place as I started after him only to come up short as Tyler grabbed my arm. "What did he mean?"
"You'll find out soon enough," was Reid's ominous reply as Pogue pulled up in Tyler's Hummer.
"Oh, no," I tugged my arm out of Tyler's grip and turned to head back towards the restaurant only to draw up short as Reid was suddenly in front of me.
"Angel,' he warned, legs braced and arms at the ready as we eyed each other from our respective corners.
"I am not going anywhere with you," I informed him spastically. "I'm too young for that!"
"Huh?" Reid's bafflement was my cue and I booked it for the door only to come up short as Caleb scooped me right off my feet.
"Hey!" I yelped, wiggling in his grasp. "No! Let me go!"
"Sorry, Angel," Caleb wheezed as one of my elbows made contact with his rib cage. "No can do."
"You were not part of the deal," I informed him haughtily. "And besides, your parents weren't even here! You're supposed to be safe! And Pogue!" I yelped as Caleb shoved me into the backseat of the Hummer, ignoring Tyler and Reid's grabbing hands as I slapped them away before wrapping an arm around the drivers seat, firmly grasping Pogue in a choke-hold.
"Pogue," I continued, my grip tightening as Reid and Tyler reached over to try and pry me away. "I love you man, I really do, but I love Kate more. And Kate will kill me if you do this."
"Angel – " Pogue wheezed in my grip.
"I mean, it's not like I'm not flattered," I told him, tactful of the fact that males have this odd little thing called an ego and since my good karma for the underwear thing depended upon Pogue's ego being happy, it was important that I let him down as gently as possible. "Any other day of the week, I'd take you up on your offer. But you're dating Kate and Kate is my friend and I would never do something like this to my friends."
"Angel," Caleb's grabby addition to the festivities had me scowling as I turned my head to glare at him.
"WHAT!?" Couldn't he see I was trying to have a conversation here?
"…you're choking him," Caleb finally stated, drawing my attention back to the realization that I was, in fact, choking Pogue.
Ooops.
"Psychotic bitch," Pogue wheezed as I let go and let Reid and Tyler drag me backwards. He turned in his seat to glare at me as he rubbed his throat. "What the hell is wrong with you? What were you talking about?"
"Nothing." I smiled cheerfully. So this wasn't going to be a four-part marriage. That was a relief. And as far as husbands went, I could do worse than Tyler and Reid. I mean, it wasn't like they were totally awful to look at, and Reid had that devilish streak that made me want to coo and whenever Tyler touched me I was liable to go starry eyed and do stupid things…
So maybe this was a really bad idea.
I lunged for the door, elbowing Tyler in the shoulder and kicking Reid in the ribs as I scrambled to get a grip on the door handle.
"Oh no, you don't," Reid grabbed my hands and yanked me backwards. "You're not getting out of this that easily."
Oh fucking hell.
Shit.
"See, now. Isn't this so much better?" Reid grunted as he wrestled my upper body out of the Hummer.
"Quieter," Tyler agreed as he followed Reid out, my lower body firmly in his grasp.
"Mmmmfff mmuiiig maaaammmrrrr," I snarled out from behind Caleb's tie, my anger giving way to relief as I took in the familiar Spencer backdrop.
Thank fucking God.
As far as I knew, there was nobody on Spencer grounds who could perform a legal marriage ceremony, and since we were still in the US, it was still illegal for me to marry more than one man at a time.
And honestly, quite frankly, at this point, I didn't want to marry either of them and yes, that included Tyler.
After Reid had gotten a good grip on me in the Hummer earlier, Tyler had very methodically (and with way to much practiced ease) bound my hands and feet with his and Reid's ties and – when I wouldn't stop screaming – wrapped Caleb's tie around my mouth as a makeshift gag.
Not exactly romance material.
And now, here we were…Pogue and Caleb somewhere in front of me, Reid at my front, Tyler at my feet, random Spencer student gaping at us somewhere off to the side…
"MEHEY!" I yelped, renewing my struggles as I reached for my salvation in the form a completely freaked out stranger.
"It's okay," Reid offered the boy, grunting as he struggled to maintain a grip on me. "We're professionals."
"Huh?"
"It's nothing," Tyler smiled charmingly, pinning my legs to his sides with almost no effort at all. "Just a practical joke."
"Angela Deloras, right?" The kid squinted at me and I had the sinking realization that my reputation was not going to work in my favor on this one.
"That's right, Angel," Caleb broke in, sliding smoothly back up next to the other Sons and smiling guilelessly.
"Right," the kid blinked at me, cocking his head to the side for a second as he tried to puzzle this one out.
I'm being held against my will, I tried to direct telepathically at him. Get help.
"Right," the kid repeated, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath before turning and walking away.
"Sweet," Pogue muttered, offering Caleb a high five and some weird ass male handshake before turning and trotting towards the front door of the fieldhouse.
"MMAHEEERR!" I shouted after him, renewing my struggles as they half-carried, half-dragged me into the cavernous hall.
I'd seen the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. I'd seen the movie Peter Pan. I'd had a brief period when I was younger when I was obsessed with Pirates and read every book I could find on them and I'd always thought that making someone walk the plank was like the coolest threat ever.
"This is harassment," I grunted out as I wobbled on the diving board, Reid standing on the other end with the other three clowns holding court below.
"Please," Reid smirked. "You made homoerotic t-shirts of me and my best friend. This doesn't even come close to harassment."
He had a point. A very legitimate point, but still, I was always up for a good argument.
"Well, still, it's probably illegal. I could sue you."
"You stole our underwear," Reid pointed out truthfully enough. "No judge would rule in your favor. Hell, we could kill you and we'd still get off."
"Ewwww…."
My attempt at juvenile humor fell flat.
"Now let's see," Reid rubbed his hands together before pressing his forefingers against his pursed lips as he studied me thoughtfully.
"First question," he stated after a long enough silence that had me twitching. "How did you manage to steal our underwear?"
"Seriously?" I blinked at Reid, somewhat incredulous at the ridiculous question. "I mean, seriously?"
"Right," Reid nodded. "Stupid question. Alright, then, better question: where are the boxers Kate gave Pogue last Valentines Day?"
"Kate?"
Uh, oh.
Valentine's Day…hearts…underwear…Pogue…
Kate.
I could do math just about as well as I could do anything else, and I was so not liking where the sum of this equation was leading.
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you check the auction logs?"
"Funny thing, there. They never made it into the logs." Reid's smirk grew decidedly delicious. "What's the deal, Angel? Lose your interest in Baby Boy already and decided to move on to bigger and better things?"
"Like Pogue could every beat Tyler in the hotness department," escaped from my lips before I could stop it, eliciting a startled bark of laughter from Reid and a brief eruption of hysterics from the goon squad below.
"Thanks a lot, Angel!" Pogue called up, leaning back on his hands, his pant legs rolled up as he let his feet dangle in the water below.
"Sorry!" I called down, remembering the strategy of keeping Pogue happy.
"Where are the boxers, Angel?" Reid prompted, stomping lightly on the diving board and causing me to stumble slightly as I blinked wide eyes over at him.
"At the pound?" Reid's lips pursed and his eyebrows shifted in a manner that clearly indicated his bemusement at my situation as he stomped again, this time harder than before.
" – asshole!" I hopped in place, which just unbalanced me more.
"Jesus, Angel," Caleb complained from below. "You're the most uncoordinated person I've ever met."
"Please!" I yelled back as I regained my footing. "I was pretty damn coordinated when I climbed down the tree next to your window!"
"You broke into my house?" For some reason Pogue seemed to find this hysterical and even Tyler was chuckling as Caleb gaped up at me.
"Broke into is such an illegal sounding phrase," I pursed my lips slightly. "I prefer the term entered with questionable permission."
"So, you broke into his house. How did you get around Josephine?"
Oh boy.
Now that was a whole other story. Almost on par with Pogue's boxers.
"I wonder how the change the lightbulbs up here?" I pondered, partially as a way to change the subject, and partially because I was genuinely curious. "I mean, it's not like there's a ladder that goes up with high. And using the diving board would be painful, especially since water and electricity don't exactly work well together. Scaffoldings, maybe? But then how do they get them – HEY!"
Reid, impatient with my ramblings, gave the board another stomp, sending me into an ungraceful heap of elbows against board as my legs unceremoniously split, dropping on either side of the board and I threw my still bound hands out to brace my fall.
"You dick!" I hissed, blowing wayward strands of hair out of my face as I glared over at him.
"Ass, dick, I can be one hell of a tongue, too, if you'd like." He waggled the appendage to make his point.
"Hey!" Tyler called from below, causing me to peak over the board to find him glaring up with no small amount of annoyance at Reid.
"What?" I called down, confused by the frown.
"Nothing," Tyler replied, but his shot a warning look in Reid's direction before looking away.
"So far we're oh for two," Reid stated, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "In your favor."
"Lucky me," I reached up with my hands to brush my hair out of my face before shooting him my best angelic Angel expression.
"Right," Reid snorted in the face of that, his expression taking on a thoughtful gleam before lighting up as he obviously hit on a new question.
"Why do you stalk Tyler?"
There was an awkward but pressing silence after that question, but I ignored it in favor of formulating a response.
"Well," I finally stated. "It started back in freshman year. He brought me chocolates."
"Chocolates?" Reid's eyebrows arched as he tilted his head to look down at his friend who stared up at the two of us with confusion.
"I brought you chocolates," Tyler clarified, clearly befuddled.
"Mmm, hmmm. Coffee flavored chocolate. It was wonderful…" my eyes glazed slightly at the memory and I let out a wistful sigh.
"You're drooling," Reid pointed out dryly.
"It was great chocolate," I stated defensively as I wiped at my chin with a small amount of embarrassment.
"So why did Tyler bring you chocolate?"
"I had a concussion."
"And you fell in love with him because he brought you chocolates while you were concussed?"
"I didn't fall in love," I replied automatically. "I fell in lust."
There was a sound below me that sounded suspiciously like choked laughter, but I ignored it as I peered earnestly over at Reid, who's lips were twitching manically as he struggled to reign in his reaction long enough to say his next bit.
"So, basically, you fell in lust with Tyler and started stalking him because of a head injury?"
I pursed my lips again, mulling over this summation of the last three years of activity before nodding with a chipper smile.
"Yep, that's pretty much it. Only," I sighed as I peered over the board down at the three Sons below, ignoring a grinning Caleb and a snickering Pogue to focus on Tyler with a sad sort of frown. "I can't stalk you anymore," I called down.
"Why not?" He called up.
"Because you know about it. It's not a fantasy anymore, it's reality, and honestly, at this point, it's kind of creepy."
"At this point?" Reid gasp-choked behind me incredulously.
"So?" Tyler called back up. "Why can't you just stop stalking me and start dating me?"
I pulled back at that, gaping down at him.
"Dating?" I choked, twisting slightly to look at Reid. "Dating?"
But Reid was too busy having hysterics to pay attention to me.
"You want to date me?"
"Sure, why not?" Well, as far as come-on lines went, I've had worse. Still…
"Are you fucking crazy?" I hissed down at him. "Look at me! I'm a fucking lunatic! You'd have to be insane to date me!"
"I can do insane," Tyler called back, eliciting another round of snorting laughter from Pogue.
"I'll bet," he choked out, causing my jaw to drop slightly.
"Oh, no," I shook my head, pushing at the board to get my feet under me. "No way. I am not having sex with you!"
"Who said anything about sex?" Tyler stared up at be completely befuddled. "I just want to date."
"You can't date me!" I called back frantically, half watching him, half watching the board wobbling beneath me.
"Why not?" Tyler called back.
Because you make me fucking stupid, was the first thought that popped into my mind. I mean, for Gods sake, I stole his underwear! His fucking underwear!
And he bought me at an auction and forced me to dinner with his parents!
And he might be trying to seduce me into a three way marriage with him and Reid!
…and that's bad, why?
I waited patiently for my inner rational being to come up with a legitimate reasoning against it, but all I got in response was a perky 'You go girl!'
"Because you kidnapped me!" I shot back, balanced on my knees now as I frantically started inching my way towards a hunched over Reid.
"Garwin!" I hissed, half-hopping, half-crawling towards the hysterical blonde. "This is your fucking fault!"
"My fault?" Reid wheezed as he stared up at me through tear filled eyes, his laughter renewing at the sight of me making my way towards him. "How is this my fault?"
"Give me a minute," I growled, hair in face once more, blocking my view of Reid and the space all around me in a flaming red curtain that was near suffocating, especially when shouting suddenly erupted below me.
"Huh? What?" I gave up on crawling, setting myself up on my knees as I shoved my hair out of my face and turned my body to take in the scene below, my jaw promptly dropping the second I got a good look.
"Angel!" Alyssa stood at the bottom of the ladder, expression actually relieved as she stared up at me. "You're okay."
"Am I not supposed to be?" I stared down at her in befuddled confusion.
"You're supposed to be France," Alyssa replied, deftly ignoring the chaos behind her. Unfortunately, I had never quite mastered the skill and it was pretty damn near impossible not to notice the mass of wrestling people behind her.
"Hi-ya," Zac greeted Caleb with a cheerful wave before letting out a Tarzanesque yell and tacking the other boy into the middle of the pool, the two surfacing with a startled 'What the hell?' on Caleb's part and a 'For the love of Angel!' on Zac's.
"For the love of Angel!" Danielle took up the cry as she wrapped herself around Tyler, legs and all, pinning his arms to his sides and using her mouth to…chew on his hair?
"Wha?" I blinked and turned my head slightly to find Pogue facing off against a chipperly grinning Vivian.
"Viv, come on," Pogue was saying, holding his hands out in front of him, expression borderline frantic. "This suit is Hugo Boss."
"It's a pretty suit," Vivian agreed happily before shouting, "For the love of Angel!" and charging him, basically throwing herself into him with such momentum he went tumbling backwards with a startled yelp.
And Alyssa…
"…and then I'm going to wait for your grandkids to have kids and sue the pants off of them! And then when they have kids I'll sue the pants off of them! And their children's children children until the end of eternity!"
"Eternity can't end, you fucking lunatic!" Reid called down at her, completely ignoring my presence. "It's a fallacy of your logic!"
"I do not have logical fallacies!" Alyssa shouted – actually shouted – up at him, expression livid. "You take that back, you – you – albino!"
"I'm a blue-eyed blonde, robo-girl. I can't be an albino. You just made another fallacy."
I didn't have to see his face to know that Reid would be smirking, but I was surprised when Alyssa let out a wild yell before practically throwing herself up the ladder.
And here I sat, perched precariously on the edge of a diving board with insanity all around and even I found this situation completely ridiculous.
So I did the most logical thing I could think of.
I wobbled to my feet, took a deep breath…
…and jumped.
"You're right," were the first words I heard when I regained consciousness to find a red faced dripping wet Tyler leaning over me. "You're insane."
"Only in the technical sense," I muttered up at him, squinting. "Why are you wet?"
"Because, idiot, you jumped into a pool with your hands tied!"
"I did?" I frowned as I looked down at my unbound hands. "Well, that was stupid."
"You sank like a bagful of kittens," Pogue contributed unhelpfully from somewhere to my left.
"Is she okay?" Vivian appeared in my line of sight, expression worried, wet hair dripping all over me.
"Ulgh," I grunted. "You're getting me all wet."
"You jumped into a fucking pool!" Tyler reminded me and I spared him a brief glance to find him seething – actually seething – as he leaned back on his heels and glared at me.
"I did? Right. I did." I struggled to keep that fact in mind as I levied myself upright and turned to look over at Alyssa.
"Were you shouting?"
"I was angry," Alyssa replied, properly stoic once more. "You were getting married without me."
"I was getting married?"
"Who the fuck would be dumb enough to marry her?" Reid muttered.
"You," Vivian contributed helpfully. "Well, one or all of you."
"All of us?" Caleb choked out. "What the fuck are we, Mormons?"
"Rich," Danielle contributed. "And mysterious. We thought you were kidnapping her to France where you would participate in a secret forced marriage ceremony and ravish Angel within an inch of her life."
"Ravish?" Pogue actually looked a little green around the gills as he repeated the word.
"Continuously," Danielle chirruped helpfully. "For hours and hours and hours…" she trailed off, her eyes glazing over slightly.
"Right," Pogue edged away from her, his gaze jumping anywhere and everywhere except to me.
"Why the fuck would you think that?" Tyler asked, completely mystified.
"You took her to dinner with your parents."
"Because our mothers made us," Tyler informed my friends (great friends, wonderful friends, fantastically, manically insane friends).
"Your mothers forced you to bring her to dinner?"
"Yeah," Reid replied. "They wanted to meet her to see if she…"
He trailed off, shifting slightly before redirecting the conversation. "So you thought we were going to kidnap and marry her because we took her to dinner with our parents?"
There was an awkward sort of silence that permeated the room as all eyes shifted to Vivian who was studiously studying the ceiling.
"Viv?" Pogue blinked at her in surprise before shaking his head in increduloustic anger. "Are you fucking insane?"
"…no?"
"I like her," I informed Alyssa with a cheerful smile. "I think we should keep her."
"She'll need a job," Alyssa told me.
"Isn't she already the president?" I was border line confused now and it showed on my face.
"Shock," Zac declared sagely. "We should probably get her warm."
"Just cozy her up to Tyler," Reid smirked. "That oughta get her hot."
I actually thought that was a good idea and was opening my mouth to readily agree when a new voice interrupted our odd little discussion.
"What. The. Hell. is going on here?"
Uh, oh.
A/N: Lo-ong chapter. Happy April Fools Day!
