Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Fractured Fairy Tales are owned by Jay Ward Productions.

The Blue Light (Fractured Fairy Tales)

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Lou or Louis, and he worked for a king in a small kingdom. The soldier was discharged because of major injuries from a war.

Soldier: Yeah, I tripped over a rock. Big deal, right?

Narrator: Somewhat upset about the discharge-

Soldier: Upset?!? I'm really ticked off!

Narrator: -he headed for another kingdom. After several hours of wandering aimlessly, he ran into a cottage.

Louis: Ow!

Narrator: Louis was greeted by a hermit witch named Sue.

Louis: Hi, Ms. Witch.

Sue: If you call me Mary, I'll turn you into a frog!

Narrator: After that friendly introduction, the witch let him stay at her cottage overnight.

Louis: All right, I'll work in your garden. How bad could it be?


Narrator: Oh, but he didn't know the half of it. The next morning, Louis had to work in Sue's garden. But it was certainly not an ordinary garden, for it was crawling with Pottsylvania Creepers!

Louis: Huh?

Narrator: Evil carnivorous plants from Pottsylvania.

Louis: Oh.

Sue: They're my beautiful, prized flowers. I bought them from a nice man named Boris Badenov.

Narrator: Of course, she was wrong about Boris Badenov. And she was also quite wrong about the "flowers".

Louis is trying to prevent one of the creepers from eating him.

Louis: You're telling me!

Narrator: By the end of the day he was understandably exhausted from this endeavour. In fact, he didn't finish the gardening until 6:00AM!

Sue: What took you so long? It took you more than a day to finish one garden.

Louis: I'm a soldier. Gardening isn't exactly part of my job criteria. And your plants are ugly, nasty little monsters!

One of the Pottsylvania Creepers bites him.

Louis: Yeowch!


Narrator: The witch allowed him to stay at her cottage longer if he would chop some wood.

Louis: This should be easy. All I have to do is chop some logs outside of her house.

He notices that the pile of logs is missing.

Louis: Now what?!

Narrator: The soldier followed a trail of footprints. The trail lead him to-

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: The Northwest Region of Canada.

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Excuse me, but I am the designated narrator of these segments.

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: I'm sorry. But the main character somehow wandered into nineteenth century Canada. In fact, he's right in front of the local sawmill.

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Louis investigated the sawmill, only to discover that its operator is-

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: That nefarious villain, Snidely Whiplash!

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: ...I never interrupt during your segments.

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: Right, sorry.

Snidely: Nyahahahaha! I will tie Nell Fenwick to a sawmill, and Do-Right will never stop me!

He looks for some rope.

Snidely: Right after I get some rope. I kind of ran out of it after attempting to make the world's largest ball of yarn.

Louis: Uh, Mr Whiplash, could I have some of those logs back?

Snidely: Why should I listen to you? You're only supposed to be in one episode.

Louis: I could get some rope for you. And the witch won't turn us into frogs.

Snidely: All right, fine. You make a good bargain, especially the part about frogs.

Frog: Hey, I like being a frog! It's not easy being green, you know.

Snidely: Tell me about it.


Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Louis went to a nearby general store to buy some rope for Snidely Whiplash, and he went back to the cottage with most of the logs. After chopping some wood, the witch let him stay longer, but she had yet another task for the unsuspecting soldier.

Sue: I have a job for you. Could you get something out of a well for me?

Louis: Well, sure. Haha, get it? I said "well", and-

Sue: Another job requirement is that you have to shut up. Now, you have to get a blue light out of a nearby well.

Louis: That explains the title.

Narrator: How is this story possible? The speed of light is 299792.458 kilometres per second, and...

They stare at the narrator.

Narrator: Oh, right, it's a fairy tale. Please accept my apologies. The witch goes behind the cabin, and the soldier overhears what she is planning.

Sue: After I get the blue light, I'll trap him in the well. Then I won't have to put up with him bothering my flowers.

Narrator: When Louis found the blue light, he kept it to himself because being trapped in a well is not a promising reward. However, Sue still trapped him anyway when she used a magic spell to put a rock on top of the well. Eventually, he got bored and decided to light his pipe with it.

*POOF*

Blue Man: Have a Smurfy day!

Louis: Who are you?!?

Lawn Gnome: I'm Hugh the Blue Lawn Gnome. I used to live on the witch's front lawn, but she threw me in the well when one of her plants tried to eat me. Apparently it didn't like my pointy hat.

Louis: My name's Louis.

Hugh: Lou, today's your lucky day! I can grant you not one, not two, but three wishes! Is that original or what?

Lou: Not really. Anyway, I wish for an infinite amount of wishes!

Hugh: All right. Hmm, that wish is really common for some reason.

*POOF*

Lou: Now I wish I was out of this well, far away from the witch, and really far away from the Pottsylvania Creepers.

*POOF*

Narrator: Hugh took his wish literally. The wish about the well worked... well, but then he sent Louis to Mount Faraway. Then he sent him to Mount Reallyfaraway.

Hugh: What do you want me to do now?

Lou: Come to think about it, I'm really mad at a king whom I used to work for. I wish that I had my own castle on this mountain, and that his daughter can live with me.

Narrator: The soldier was in love with the princess, and the lawn gnome granted his requests.

*POOF*

Princess: What am I doing here? Say, aren't you that guy who called my father a-

Louis: It worked. Haha, he's going to be so ticked off.


Narrator: Meanwhile, in the kingdom, the king was indeed "ticked off".

King: I bet that villain who ties people to sawmills is up to this.

Narrator: All the king's horses and all the king's men put Humpty Dumpty back together again- wait, that's a different story.

Horse: But I wanted to help Humpty Dumpty.

Narrator: The people and horses formed an angry mob, and searched for the pilfered princess. They searched through the woods, and left a trail of peas behind them to make sure that they didn't get lost. Then they reached a certain cottage.

Horse: It worked for Hansel and Gretel.

King: I say, Ms. Witch, did you by any chance see a princess anywhere?

Sue: No, but I saw a soldier. His name was Lou, and he worked in my garden. By the way, you should really include gardening as part of the job description, because he did a terrible job with my flowers.

Pottsylvania Creeper: *Hisssssssssss*

King: I can see why.

Narrator: On their way home, the angry mob is shocked when the peas are missing.

Mob Member: They were probably eaten by birds or something.

Narrator: Meanwhile...

Dudley: I'm going to eat some peas with a knife!

Narrator: Eventually, after a few weeks of searching, they end up at Mount Reallyfaraway.

King: You are under arrest! Guards, take him away!

Louis: I should have moved to Mount Reallyreallyfaraway.


Narrator: They throw him in a dungeon, and it seems hopeless. But he has his friend Hugh the Lawn Gnome to help him escape.

Louis: I wish that I was outta here!

Hugh: Yes, sir-

Princess: Are you talking to a gnome?

Louis: Uh, yeah, but I'm not crazy or anything.

Princess: Hey dad, he has a gnome!

King: Really? It would be great if I had one on my lawn. Louis, I'll let you go free if you give me your lawn gnome.

Princess: I'm in love with you, and I'd be happy to marry you.

*POOF*

Narrator: And so, Hugh was the official royal lawn gnome. The soldier and the princess were married and they lived in the castle on the mountain. Louis thought it was great because they lived "Reallyfaraway" from the king. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End