What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz


Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.


11 - Grand Theft Naruto V


The leaves rustled as he silently dodged to the right, the kunai embedding into the bark he had just been leaning against. Jumping to the ground, Naruto spotted Neji not far from him, spinning violently using his Kaiten to deflect a barrage of shuriken. Readying his hands, Naruto concentrated his chakra and let out a giant gust of wind in the direction of his enemies, hoping to allow Neji to catch his breath.

"Thanks," Neji said as he stopped spinning, breathing heavily. Naruto just jerked his head to the side, indicating to Neji that they should put some distance between them and the enemy nin while they still could.

The two jumped back into the trees, both knowing that the enemies would not be far behind. The veins in Neji's eyes disappeared as he deactivated his Byakugan to conserve his diminishing chakra reserves.

"How long do we have?" Naruto asked.

Neji grit his teeth.

"I don't know," Neji said, his tone grim, "They should already have been here an hour ago, but considering all the enemy nin prepared, it doesn't seem that they'll be showing up any time soon."

If they were even alive Neji didn't say.

"We don't have an option," Naruto said, his eyes downcast as the two changed direction, "Without that information, we can't return to Konoha. If the information is lost, if we fail to retrieve it, it'll be an unmitigated disaster."

"Do you think I don't know that!?" Neji shouted, "Everything… everything is lost!"

Naruto put his hand on Neji's shoulder as the two stopped running, waiting for their enemies to catch up.

"Neji… you know what we have to do."

Neji closed his eyes.

"Yeah," he said, "I know."

Naruto grinned savagely.

"We'll take as many of these fuckers with us as we can. Let's decimate their shit."

The two rushed into action as enemy ninja approached.

"It's them! It's th-gurk!" the enemy ninja shouted, interrupted as Neji shoved a kunai into his throat. Spinning around, Neji thrust his palms into the ninja attacking him from behind, rupturing his lungs and sending him flying.

Nearby, Naruto was fighting off two ninja with taijutsu, keeping them at bay while a third ninja snuck up behind him. The enemy ninja jumped at him, intent on striking the blond from above. Naruto ducked forwards, kicking his leg up behind him at the same time. As his foot rose into the air so did a spiky pillar of vines, impaling the airborne ninja through the chest. The vines spread, engulfing the ninja and tearing his body apart simultaneously.

However, the third ninja, at the cost of his life, was an ample enough distraction for the blond as another managed to stab the blond near the heart.

"Naruto!" Neji yelled, rushing over and killing the enemy nin with a quick jyuuken strike to the head. The last ninja jumped back, clearly outmatched in a one versus one situation.

"Shit…" Naruto said, coughing blood, "I was careless."

"Don't speak," Neji said, "Save your breath."

"It's okay Neji," Naruto said, grinning as blood ran down his chin, "I'm done for. I can distract them long enough for you to get away. Go."

Neji shook his head furiously.

"I refuse. I won't leave you to die alone," Neji said, his face set in conviction, "Real friends stick together, through thick and thin, 'til the end."

Naruto gave a sharp laugh, only to cough up more blood.

"Ha! I guess we'll go out fighting."

Neji smiled at him.

"We will, old friend."

The two looked at the oncoming enemy reinforcements, wave upon wave of ninja. This was their last stand. This was it.

This was the end.


Naruto sat reclined in his chair as he held the plate in one hand and the tea-cup in the other. Beside him, Neji wore his half-moon frames and visor cap, doing his taxes as he was wont to do. Bringing the cup to his lips, Naruto took a loud sip, making sure everyone around could hear the splendor of his mouth consuming vodka.

"Huh," he said, setting down his drink, "That was pretty fucking weird, wasn't it?"

Neji looked up, giving the blond barely a glance before he went back to his business.

"Yeah. Oh well."


"He's fifty feet ahead," Neji informed him, as they raced after the fleeing ninja. Naruto didn't speed up, turning towards Neji and crossing his arms as he pondered something.

"Hey Neji, I got a personal question I've been meaning to ask you for some time now," the blond said. Neji grit his teeth in frustration.

"Naruto, this is not the time," Neji started saying, but Naruto cut him off.

"No, really, it's a simple question dude," Naruto said unflinchingly.

"Look, can we do this later? He's getting away," Neji said, speeding up to close the distance between them and the criminal. Naruto matched his speed effortlessly.

"Listen, the only way we're going to catch this guy Neji, is if we work together," Naruto said, "Just think of this as a team-bonding exercise."

"Alright, alright. You get one question, but I reserve the right to answer it after we catch up to the enemy," Neji told him firmly. The crook suddenly made a sharp turn, but neither Naruto or Neji had any trouble catching up to him. Realistically, Naruto could have caught up to him at any time, but nobody could really make him do anything he didn't want to.

"Okay!" Naruto said, grinning, "Now, how do I phrase this… right. Out of everyone in Konoha, who would be your dream girl?"

Neji didn't reply immediately, considering his answer.

"Does… does she have to be of age?"

Naruto's eyes widened dramatically.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT!?" he shouted at the Hyuuga. Nearby, the criminal they were chasing slowed down as well, falling just one step ahead of them.

"Yeah man, that's kind of fucked up," the man said, giving Neji a hard look.

"You shut up," Naruto replied immediately, "You've been trying to kidnap Asuma's kid this entire time."

Neji raised his hands in self defence.

"Not that way. I mean, I'd wait until she would be old enough," he said, "You have to keep one in hand with low mileage, right?"

"True," Naruto said, before pausing as he considered something, "So wait, does this mean you already have a replacement for your girlfriend lined up? What's her name again, Fivetwo?"

Neji's mouth twisted in confusion.

"Who are you talking about?" he asked, genuinely not knowing what the blond was talking about. He would know if he had a girlfriend.

"You know," Naruto said, gesturing wildly, "Your girlfriend. Panda-head. Wasn't she on your team or something?"

"Uhh… I think I would know if Lee were crossdressing," Neji said, shuddering when he pictured it, "Like I would touch that with a ten-foot pole."

"No, no," Naruto said, "The girl. You know… Seveneleven? She had bombs or something."

"Are you sure you're not confusing this person with Deidara? The male enemy ninja with freaking mouths on his hands?"

Nearby, the criminal gazed at them in utter confusion, a look of complete disgust and disbelief on his face.

"Are we just going to ignore the fact that he might be a paedophile?" he said, stopping completely.

"I SAID SHUT UP! NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Naruto reared back and pulled something from thin air, a small, head-sized object that he threw at the man.

The criminal didn't see it coming, Hidan's hard head knocking him out on contact.

"OW, WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Both Naruto and Neji seemed surprised that the man they were chasing was knocked out so quickly. They had been after him for about ten minutes now, though most of that time was spent trying to get Naruto to stop dicking around and focus.

Naruto chuckled as he watched the perp fall to the ground, unconscious. Neither nin did anything to protect him from the fall. As he resealed Hidan's screaming head, Naruto simultaneously pulled out a pair of sunglasses, setting them on his face. As he opened his mouth to say his next words, Neji cut him off.

"I guess we came out… ahead."

"THAT WAS MY LINE!"


They dragged the man by the scruff of his shirt, his arms and legs bound to prevent him from escaping. As they neared where Tsunade was standing they threw him in a chair, locking him in. Throughout all this, the man was unable to move or complain, Neji having blocked certain parts of his chakra and muscles to prevent him from doing anything.

"Alright now," Naruto said, spinning a chair in front of the perp, sitting on it backwards and resting his arms on the back, "Tell us what you know."

Neji stood behind the criminal, jyuuken at the ready to incapacitate him.

"I'll be doing the interrogating, thank you very much," Tsunade said, stepping forward and pulling Naruto off the chair by the back of his shirt, sending him tumbling and swearing. She sat down in the same position Naruto had been sitting, also resting her arms on the back of the chair, the sleeves on her shirt pull up back to her elbows.

"Alright now," she said, repeating Naruto's words much to his consternation, "Tell us what you know."

"Hurrrblreeesghhs," the man replied, his mouth opening and a large amount of drool spilling from his mouth and onto the front of his shirt. Tsunade slapped him across the face, almost snapping his neck.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!?"

"Oops," Neji said, interjecting embarrassedly, "Forgot I relaxed the muscles in his mouth. My fault."

"Calm down, Tsunade," Naruto said, patting her on the shoulder as Neji jabbed the man to allow him to speak, "Take a breather. I'll take care of this."

"Now then," Naruto said, pulling out a stack of seals and setting them on a nearby table, "I know what you're thinking. Do I have a stack of six explosive seals or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all the years I've spent destroying my brain cells drinking alcohol, I've forgotten how to count. Seeing as how these are some pretty powerful seals here that would probably blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well do you, punk?"

"No… please…"

Naruto reared back and punched the man in the face.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!?"

"Calm down, Naruto," Tsunade said, pulling him back by his shirt again. Tsunade walked over to the criminal, crouching in front of him and leaning slightly forward, giving the man a sultry smile as she showed him an ample amount of cleavage. Neji's eyebrows rose slightly as he gave the Hokage an impressed look, unbeknownst to her.

"You see, you don't really have to tell us anything," Tsunade said, moving closer to him as she put her hands on his knees. She slowly started moving her body upwards, almost but not quite rubbing against him as she did so.

"There are several ways for us to get information, the easiest of which is you giving us what we want. But that's boring, isn't it?" Tsunade continued to move up, her head by his chest as her voice got breathier and softer by each word.

"No, I want you to make it… hard. I want to be able to... squeeze it out of you, til you're just a husk with nothing left inside." Tsunade was finally meeting him face to face as she leaned in as far as she could go, her lips by his ears.

"Tell me, do you like this?" Tsunade asked. Then Naruto and Neji's eyes boggled as she started nibbling on the man's ear, causing him to shudder in pleasure. Then she bit in and ripped his ear off with her teeth.

"AAAAAHHHH!"

Tsunade stood back, watching in satisfaction as blood streamed from his ears. She spit to the side, a chunk of the man's ear falling from her ensanguined mouth. Naruto and Neji just gaped at her.

"Don't tell us anything," she said, gazing devilishly into the man's teary eyes, "Go ahead, make my day."

"Hokage-sama, please," the criminal said, weeping in fear, "This… this Hyuuga!"

Tsunade's eyes narrowed as she carefully observed the man.

"You better watch what comes out of your mouth," Tsunade said dangerously, "Neji is one of my most trusted."

"Please," the criminal continued, "It's not what you're hearing, listen."

"What is it?" Naruto spoke up, "Who do you work for?"

"Are you going to confess?" Tsunade asked.

"No, but this Neji guy, he's keeping underage girls around to replace his girlfriend with!"

Tsunade scoffed.

"Well, I find that quite ludicrous, Neji is an upstanding member of the Hyuuga clan."

"That's right," Neji added, nodding in agreement.

"How stupid do you have to be to think he would even approach a girl, let alone have a girlfriend?"

"Exactly," Neji said happily, before sadly realizing that Tsunade was right, "Aw."

"But, but!"

Tsunade just shook her head.

"Naruto?"

Naruto grinned evilly.

"Welp, time to start the waterboarding."

The man gave him a horrified look.

"No… NOOOOO!"


"Well, we got a name."

Neji looked up from his paperwork, giving Naruto a perusing glance. It hadn't taken them too long to break the man. The waterboarding hadn't worked, but really it was just Naruto standing on the criminal's back pretending to surf while the perp had a water jutsu sprayed on his face causing him to splutter nonstop. In the end, it had taken them playing a tape of Kirabi's rapping for a few hours non-stop that the caused the man to finally give in, citing cruel and unusual torture.

"What is it?" Neji asked, setting the last sheet of paper in the complete pile. He felt a certain sense of satisfaction completing all his paperwork, considering he was doing the job for both himself and his blond chief of police. Not that he minded of course, he liked paperwork.

"Well, if it's a boy, I'm thinking Naruto Jr, and if it's a girl, I'm thinking Naruto Jr," Naruto explained, "Seems like the right thing to do."

Neji just let out a long-suffering sigh, but perked up when Tsunade walked in.

"Well, we got a name."

"Is it Naruto Jr?"

"What is it?" Neji asked again, hoping for an actual answer this time, "Someone we can pursue or…?"

"Not as such," Tsunade explained, "The perp gave us two names. One is the name of an organization that was apparently founded right here in Konoha, the other was a title for the leader of the organization."

"Well, what is it?" Naruto asked, "Why the suspense, just tell us already, will ya?"

"Yeah yeah," Tsunade said, waving him off, "The name of the organization…"

Tsunade paused, sounding as if she were unsure about it.

"The name of the organization is… Sarutsuki."

"What!?"

"What."

"Led by a man apparently referred to as Eternal-sama."

"...you're kidding."

Tsunade shrugged.

"The perp broke. He was definitely telling the truth as he knows it. 'Sarutsuki' and Eternal-sama are our only leads."

Neji frowned.

"That's… not a lot," he said, looking down as he tried to make any sort of connection in his mind.

"Maybe it's the Eternal Genin?" Naruto suggested, picking up the most recent completed paper from Neji's neatly-stacked complete file. Neji eyed him dangerously, causing the blond to freeze and awkwardly try to put the paper back as neatly as he could.

"This will require some investigation," Neji said, "It's not much information to go on."

"Wait, what about my suggestion?"

Neji rolled his eyes at him.

"Come on man, do you really think a genin can be the head of a criminal organization?" he asked, scoffing, "How preposterous."

Naruto just gave him a look. When the blond wouldn't stop, Neji started to fidget uncomfortably.

"What, why are you looking at me like that? Stop it," Neji said, "You're starting to creep me out, and I hang around with white-eyes all day."

"Speaking of," Naruto spoke up suddenly, "Since you say it all the time, do you think I can also say 'white-eyes' now?"

Neji's eyes narrowed.

"You better watch your damn mouth, boy."

Tsunade finally interjected, growing tired of the two's inane banter.

"Naruto, shut up," she barked, "White-eyes, focus."

Neji had to swallow his pride to not say anything to her, despite the Hokage's racist remarks. It was one thing if a Hyuuga said it, it was their clan. But other people were always wary of saying it, unless they were trying to look cool and fit in with the Hyuuga clan.

Tsunade just sighed.

"Fine, a lead is a lead," she said, causing both Naruto and Neji to look at her in surprise, "No matter how stupid it is. Go talk to the Eternal Genin."


It was a rickety old place, rotten wood and climbing vines surrounding the premises with only burnt grass covering the front yard, sparse that it was. There was half a swing sitting nearby the door, the supports for the chain haven eaten through the rotted wood frame.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Naruto asked. Neji just shrugged.

"This is the address we got," Neji explained, "Hmm, being a genin really doesn't pay, huh? You'd think he'd be a chunin by now. Scrub."

"Well, we have a job to do," Naruto said, stopping by the porch as he addressed his partner, "Alright Neji, I'll be the good cop, you be the bad cop. Just follow my lead."

Walking up to the flimsy door at the front entrance, Naruto cleared his throat before knocking on it twice.

Then, without warning, he kicked it in, causing the wooden door to splinter and fall from it's hinges.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE! IF I SEE ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKER'S MOVE, I'LL EXECUTE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"

The house wasn't even that, just a single room shack filled with varying items of a certain degree of destitution that were at least arranged in some manner of cleanliness. There wasn't even a separate room for a bathroom, just single toilet out in the open in the corner of the house, right next to the kitchen table; the same kitchen table at which the Eternal Genin was currently sitting, looking at his two uninvited guests.

He was living in squalor, wearing a dirty, white wifebeater and his checkered boxers, eating from a bowl of Ichiraku ramen as he listened to the nearby radio.

"Ohhh… it's going to take me two months to get that door replaced with D-ranks," the elderly man said, his voice frail and wheezy.

"Calm down, Naruto," Neji said, "Don't worry Eternal Genin, we'll get your door replaced."

"Oh my," the geezer replied, "you don't have to call me by my title, my actual name is-"

"You better shut your fucking mouth before white-eyes here shuts it for you," Naruto said, cutting him off. Neji gave him a look before just sighing and walking around the room, taking a look at everything the Eternal Genin owned.

As Neji started rifling through the elderly man's possessions, occasionally tossing items to the floor once he was finished looking at them, Naruto approached the man.

"What are you eating there?" the blond asked him innocently, noticing the Ichiraku sign on the side of the bowl.

"Oh, it's just some ramen," the Eternal Genin replied, showing him the still warm meal.

"What kind of ramen?"

"Why, it's Ichiraku ramen," he said, still seemingly unconcerned at the two intruders in his house.

"Well, what kind of Ichiraku ramen? There are a lot of different types; miso, beef, chicken…" Naruto asked, speaking nonchalantly as if it were the most casual of conversations.

"Miso, it is," the old man replied.

"Miso ramen from Ichiraku, eh? My baby mama doesn't let me eat the stuff in the house anymore, says the fumes make her feel nauseated. Do you mind if I… have a bite?" Naruto asked. The old man gave him a grandfatherly smile.

"Go right ahead young man, I don't mind," he said, handing Naruto his bowl and chopsticks with his shaking, elderly hands. Naruto picked up some of the noodles and ate a mouthful of the noodle.

"Mm, still warm," he commented, "Hey Neji, you ever had Miso ramen from Ichiraku before?"

"All the fucking time, we go there for lunch every day," Neji says as he dropped a picture frame on the floor, shattering the glass, "Can't we go for barbecue once, just once?"

"Why the hell are you going through all his AIDs-infested shit, can't you just look through the walls?" Naruto asked, rolling his eyes as Neji looked through another shelf.

"Listen Naruto, this is an art."

"Not that spiel again," Naruto said, cutting him off, "Shut up with you and your art. Oy vey."

The Eternal Genin rose from his seat, causing both ninja to eye him dangerously.

"Would you fellas like a drink with your ramen?" he asked, going over to the sink and pouring a glass of dirty water filled with what seemed like small chunks of brown metal, "My water is only forty-percent rust."

"How nice of you. Give it to me to go. I guess I'll take some home for the kid," Naruto said appreciatively, thinking of Fuu.

"Well, it seems like we're done here," Neji spoke up, "Nothing of interest."

The Eternal Genin looked around his room, which was now completely trashed. Books with ripped pages and his meager amount of clothes were strewn across the floor, some even soaking in the toilet. Shattered glass from the picture frames of his deceased wife and children were mixed in as well, hard to isolate from the rest of the mess. Neji noticed the man looking around, giving him an apologetic look.

"Uhh, don't worry. We'll get everything replaced," the Hyuuga explained, "Let's go."

As the two left, the only unbroken possession the man still had, his radio, short-circuited, causing smoke to rise to the ceiling. As soon as Naruto and Neji stepped out, the water-safety seals on the ceiling activated, causing water to rain down in the entire room, further ruining everything.

"Aw."


"What next?" Neji asked, "It doesn't look like the Eternal Genin has anything to do with Sarutsuki. Just seems like a coincidence."

"He's only one man, Neji," Naruto replied, "I mean, what were the chances we'd get it on the first try, right? Let's just move on to our next prospective lead now that we've narrowed it down a bit."

"You keep saying things, but I don't think you understand," Neji said, frowning, "We don't have any other leads. All we had was the Eternal Genin, as flimsy as it was, and that's gone."

"Hwa?"

"We need to think about what to do next, Naruto," Neji said, "We need to look at it in a different angle."

The two fell silent as they tried to think about how to proceed from here. From the looks of it, Sarutsuki had been around for quite some time, yet had managed to stay under the radar for so long. For a criminal organization to be so well-founded in Konoha yet evade detection for so long meant that there was a serious problem.

"Well, what's different?" Naruto asked, "Think about it like this: this is the first time we've heard the name Sarutsuki. If they've been around for as long as we're thinking, then that means they must know that we've found out their name. And if they've found out, they may have taken steps to cover at least some of their tracks. And if they've done that…"

"Then we look for what's different," Neji finished, looking impressed at Naruto's deduction, "So what's different?"

"Hmm…" Naruto pondered, tapping a finger to his chin in thought, "I think… I've seen more people from Kumo in Konoha lately."

"Do you think they're involved with Sarutsuki?" Neji asked, "Not that I'd put it past them, those bloodline-stealing ruffians."

"Well, if I recall correctly, Kumo did have a history of using Akatsuki for their own ends, right?" Naruto mentioned, thinking back to what Jiraiya had once told him, "If that's the case, then I wouldn't put it past them setting up Sarutsuki in Konoha to keep track of certains things down here, maybe use it to push some contraband."

"So what, Sarutsuki called in some reinforcements?" Neji said, "There's no way Kumo would risk an international incident like this. Not with the armistice all the nations have going."

"Well, we don't know whether the Raikage is even involved," Naruto pointed out, "Like when Hinata was almost kidnapped. Kumo could just claim they had no part in any of this."

Neji grit his teeth as he remembered what happened.

"Yeah, that's right, remember when they killed your dad?" Naruto said, raising his index finger as if he was literally pointing it out, "Like, Hiashi totally killed that dude, but we offered up your dad instead so Kumo wouldn't get the Byakugan."

Neji clenched his hand into a fist in anger as Naruto brought up bad feelings from his past.

"Man, that really got my goat, haha," Naruto said, smiling in genuine joy and amusement, "Kumo thinking they finally got a hold of the leader of the Hyuuga clan and the Byakugan, and then BAM! They get fake-Hiashi. They were probably pissed too. Probably took it out on poor fake-Hiashi. I bet everybody in the village completely pissed and shit on that dude. Like, in a most undignified manner completely unbefitting a Hyuuga."

"But I digress," Naruto said, seemingly oblivious to Neji's palpable rage, "Fake-Hiashi aside, I think we got a lead with all the fake-Hiashi torturers slash killers in town."

Neji just shook his head, trying to shake loose the murderous thoughts floating around in his head.

"So exactly how are we going to investigate all these people from Kumo? Not like we can go around in public without raising suspicion with Sarutsuki that we're on to them, if they really are involved with Kumo," Neji pointed out, running his thumb across his lips as he thought of a way they might be able to get around that particular problem. Naruto just grinned.

"Why, it's simple," he said, "We just need to do some good ol' fashioned police work."

"And that is?" Neji asked, delicately raising one of his pure and noble Hyuuga eyebrows. Naruto's evil smirk just widened.

"Time to gather the boys and go club some heads."


"Alright, everyone in position?" Naruto signaled to Neji's nearby squad. They replied in the affirmative.

"Good," Naruto replied back, "Just remember, stay out of sight and blend in with the crowd. We don't want to spook them."

Once Neji was by his side, Naruto started strolling down the street with a huge smile on his face as he cheerfully greeted the citizens of Konoha much to their looks of confusion.

"Greetings, fellow citizen!" Naruto said in a boisterous tone to a nearby local, "I hope you're having a grand day! You as well, Mr Aizawa! And even you Mr Kato. And don't think I forgot about you, Koba, haha!"

"Hey, who is he talking to?" someone whispered to his friend. The other person just shrugged.

"Just ignore him," they said, "And let's get out of here. He's giving me the creeps."

"Greetings from the Konoha Police Force everyone, I hope you're all having a fantastic day!" Naruto said aloud. Neji just facepalmed, embarrassed by his boss's strategy.

As they continued down the street, Naruto made a beeline towards where two men from Kumo were walking, speaking with the locals as they headed towards the blond. Naruto walked over to them, stepping slightly to the side of one of them. As they got closer, Naruto walked into the man, close enough that his shoulder jostled into the jinchuriki.

"Oh, sorry about that," the visitor said. Naruto exaggeratedly fell backwards, throwing himself to the ground as if he were struck by a tackle.

"OFFICER DOWN!" Naruto yelled out, "OFFICER DOWN! ALL UNITS ENGAGE!"

The men from Kumo, neither of them being shinobi, was completely taken by surprise as a dozen men jumped out at them, all wielding batons and clubs.

"H-hey," one man said, "It was just an accident. We- we don't want any trouble. We're just a part from the ambassador group from Kumo. Here, I even have papers."

The man reached into his back pocket to pull out his supposed papers, but that turned out to be a mistake. A big mistake.

"HE'S GOT A WEAPON!" Naruto yelled, "RUSH HIM!"

And his police force swarmed the men.


Naruto leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes as he rested up for whatever rodeo would be happening in a few minutes. Letting out a relaxed sigh, Naruto kicked his feet up onto the table as he slouched even further, the recliner meeting his needs as the rest leaned with him.

He and his men had gone around town and beaten up a total of eight visitors from Kumo before they stopped, finally realizing that nobody from Kumo seemed to have any idea why they were being targeted. Naruto had wanted to keep going, but Neji had been the voice of reason, saying that the Kumoites didn't seem to have anything to do with Sarutsuki.

Of course, the public backlash hadn't been pretty. The official ambassador party from Kumo had been furious, saying this was a certain type of profiling and that his people were targeted for a racial reason.

All in all, Naruto, being both the head of the police force as well as the main commander of the operation had taken all the blame, despite his trying to shift it onto someone else. Public rhetoric had labelled him an anti-Kumoite.

And now he was on trial.

He wasn't too worried however, what with his connections with Bee to calm the Kumo delegation and Tsunade being the judge, not to mention his already bribing the jury. But a show was required, and he needed to think of what he was going to say to defend himself.

Sighing softly, Naruto felt two soft and cool hands cover his eyes.

"Guess who?"

"Not now, Neji. I'm busy preparing," Naruto replied immediately, not even considering the voice he heard was nothing like Neji's.

"Neji?"

Naruto sat up, turning around and finding Saya standing behind him with a bewildered look on her face.

"Oh! Saya!" Naruto said, laughing awkwardly, "Hey, what's up?"

Saya just smirked mischievously.

"Nothing much, just came to see how you're holding up," she said, "So what's this about Neji again?"

Naruto just rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, a clumsy grin on his face.

"Nevermind that," Naruto said, waving her off. Then he blinked, looking her up and down, seeing her in a dark blue one-piece. He whistled appreciatively, noticing that it showed just the right amount of leg.

"So, what's up with your dress? Hot date?" he asked jokingly.

"You could say that," Saya replied with a weak smile, "Well, I wouldn't call it hot. I'm just… testing the waters."

"What!?" Naruto yelped, before quickly covering his surprise, "I mean, wow, really?"

"Yeah, I think it'll be a little fun," Saya said, "Why, not jealous are you?"

"No, no," Naruto said, speaking in what he hoped was a casual tone, "Actually, I hope you have a fabulous time."

"Damn it," Saya cursed under her breath, too low for Naruto to hear.

"What?"

"Huh? Oh- oh nothing," Saya said, sounding startled, "Well, I just came to wish you good luck. I can't stay unfortunately, due to me having a date and all. Gotta get to that date, hah. Bye Naruto!"

"See ya! Thanks for dropping by!" Naruto said, grinning at her as she left the room. Once the door was shut behind her, Naruto's grin faded slowly. After a moment of contemplation, he snapped his fingers and one of his ninja appeared.

"Follow her," Naruto ordered, "The guy that she's going out with? He better wish he was never born by the end of their date."

"By your leave."

The blond knew he could count on Tora; the ninja was one of his most loyal and most devoted. Saya's date would not know what hit him.

A knock on his door interrupted his train of thought.

"They're awaiting your presence, Uchiha-sama," a voice called through the door. Strolling over, Naruto opened the door and glared at the attendant, much to their fear.

"Then I shall bestow my magnificence upon their lesser selves," he intoned, making sure to put as much reverberation into his voice as he could. The unfortunate girl looked just about ready to faint. Walking past her, Naruto patted her on the butt, causing her to squeal in surprise.


"-something I don't understand, Uzumaki-san, is why target our guest specifically?"

Naruto grit his teeth in pure and unadulterated rage at the attorney. This… this was a mockery of a trial, a farce designed to attack the good Uchiha name that he wielded.

"I mean, you supposedly say that it's due to a criminal investigation, that it was only by chance that the people you targeted were from Kumogakure, but you can't tell us what that is because it's classified," the man said, his tone haughty, "I mean, it sounds to me like somebody watched too many lawyer dramas when they were a kid."

There was laughter in the court from the spectator, causing Naruto's glare to intensify.

"Tell me, Uzumaki-san," the lawyer said, knowingly angering the blond, "Maybe you targeted our good friends from Kumo for a… different reason?"

The man began walking up and down in front of the jury, arms crossed behind his back with poise as he drew their attention through his momentary silence.

"Hasn't it already been said? The people always suspected it, but it's come out now," he said, turning and pointing at Naruto, "Uzumaki Naruto is an anti-Kumoite!"

Gasps and cries rang throughout the courtroom, and Tsunade even crossed her fingers, though Naruto seemed to visibly relax. Seeing the man glare at him, Naruto just raised an eyebrow in question. This seemed to set the lawyer off.

"Tell us! Did you order the attack specifically on the Kumo delegation!?" the man shouted. Naruto didn't reply, sitting there silently staring at the man. Tsunade's brows furrowed as she glanced between Naruto and the lawyer.

"Answer me, Uzumaki. Tell me! Did you order the attack!?"

"You don't have to answer that, Lord Uchiha," Tsunade said.

"I'll answer the question," Naruto said finally, "So, hotshot, you want an answer?"

"I'm entitled to answers."

"You want answers?"

"I want the TRUTH!" the man said, his voice finally rising.

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Naruto shouted at him. The court settled as they watched the blond with rapt attention, somehow realizing that he was about to give a speech.

"Bitch, we live in the mean streets of Konoha, and these streets have to be watched by real shinobi with real kunai. Who's gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for these… these Kumoites, and you curse my police force. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That beating up these Kumoites, while hilarious, probably also saved lives. And my existence, while magnificent and incomprehensible to you, saves lives," Naruto said, taking a breath, as he considered his next words. The courtroom was completely and utterly silent, nary a whisper as they listened to the blond.

"You don't want the truth because deep down, you want me on the streets, you need me on the streets. We like to use the phrase 'the Will of Fire'. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending Konoha. You use them as a fucking punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a crying little bitch who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. For a fee."

Which was the truth, of course. Naruto's organization was not a charity; they were paid to provide protection. Or else.

"I would rather you just bowed to my graciousness and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you shut the fuck up and pick up a kunai, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to," Naruto finished evenly.

Everyone stared at him as if seeing him under a new light. Of those that had knew the blond, it was a side of him that they hadn't really seen before. The members of his police force in the audience were even wiping their eyes at what they thought was a rousing and beautiful speech.

"Also, fuck Kumo. I'll never forgive them for what they did to me," Naruto added. Tsunade suddenly realized exactly why Naruto had specifically targeted the people from Kumo.

He must have realized that Kumo was behind the kidnapping of his mother, though Minato had managed to save her. Not to mention what had happened with Neji's father as well; she knew that Naruto and Neji were close friends, even more so after joining forces for the police force. There was definitely bad blood between the blond jinchuriki and Kumo, despite his friendship with the supposed eight-tail container, wherever that man was nowadays.

Naruto however, was thinking something else.

-flashback-

"Order up!"

Naruto gladly received the bowl of ramen from the chef, excited to try yet another flavor. But instead of devouring it immediately, he just stared at it in admiration.

"Never seen anyone look at ramen so lovingly before," the chef commented, chuckling.

"Heh," Naruto replied, "Well, I like to keep a bright view of everything in my life."

"Oh? It's not often you see someone as positive as yourself," the chef said, as he prepared his next order, "Just look at that grump next to you."

The man next to Naruto the blond just grunted, his dull and rusty Kumogakure headband indicating his affiliations.

"You know, I've had a tough life," Naruto said, "But despite everything I've been through, all that I've struggled with, I've learned that you have to tackle everyday with a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. I'm sure my fellow here will understand that as well."

Taking a deep breath, Naruto breathed in the scent of the delicious meal awaiting him.

"That's why I bought this coat," Naruto said. It was pure white, a gorgeous coat Naruto had seen in a shop window here in Lightning Country that he just had to have. He had been wary of wearing it, not wanting it to get dirty so quickly. But he had finally decided enough was enough, and that today was the perfect day to wear it.

"It represents a new start, a fresh outlook on life for me," he said, smiling, "And what better way for a fresh start than with a bowl of my favorite food. Itadakimasu!"

"You're a great guy, blondie," the chef said, handing the Kumo ninja his own bowl of ramen. The ninja slapped his money on the counter and roughly grabbed his meal, turning to leave the stand. As he slipped away, he just slightly jostled the blond as he was about to take his first bite.

Naruto saw it happen in slow motion. Two drops of the broth dripped from the bowl, flying towards him and hitting his white coat. The coat was stained, it's previously unblemished surface now ruined in the eyes of the blond.

The Kumo ninja just grunted, not even apologizing as he left.

And something in the blond's head just snapped.

-end flashback-

"Look," a Kumo ambassador said, "like I said before, we don't really need this whole dog and pony show. Honestly, I'd just be okay with a formal apology from the Lord Uchiha. That's enough for us."

Tsunade knew what the man didn't: if Naruto was angry at Kumo for the reasons she was thinking, then there was no way in hell he was going to apologize to them. But she knew that she'd have to convince Naruto to do it, especially since she didn't want to create a diplomatic incident over something that could be solved with just a few words.

"Naruto," Tsunade said in soothing tones, "Listen, I know you're angry and I think I know why. I know it hurts. But, as I learned a long time ago from this snotty little blond brat, there comes a point in life where you need to face your past and accept it. And look to the future. Just… think of it as getting a... a clean start."

Naruto sat up straighter as he finally realized something. Of course! He could just take his coat to the dry cleaners!

"I understand, Tsunade," Naruto said, his rage finally ebbing away. He gave the blond Hokage a gentle smile, one that made her blush despite herself.

He stood up and gave the Kumo delegation the same soft smile as he prepared to apologize.


"Hey, Neji," Tenten said, approaching the Hyuuga as he walked briskly to the courtroom, "Where have you and Naruto been all this time?"

Neji just stopped, surprised at being addressed out of nowhere. He had probably missed the majority of the trial by now, having lost himself in the glorious, glorious paperwork.

"Oh, uh, hey," Neji said, before straightening up and standing at attention, "How can I help you, citizen?"

"Neji, stop joking," Tenten said, laughing slightly, "It's me, Tenten."

"Tenten?" Neji muttered to himself. His eyes widened as if he remembered something.

"Tenten!" Neji burst out, surprising the brunette, "I mean, ha, got you. So how can I help you today, Tenten?"

"I haven't heard from you or Naruto in ages! And what's this about trial?" Tenten complained, "How am I supposed to do my job if you and Naruto-kun never tell me anything?"

"Your job?" Neji repeated, his eyebrows furrowing, "Well, wouldn't Tsunade-sama be the one to tell you what to do?"

"No, I mean my job as your secretary," Tenten said, "I've just been there waiting for your instructions this entire time."

"Oh, that job," Neji said, laughing nervously. Neji inwardly winced as he realized that they actually had hired Tenten to be their secretary. Tenten seemed to notice something though.

"Neji…" she said, trailing off as if unsure whether to ask or not, "Do you… do you think I'm forgettable?"

Neji looked at everywhere but Tenten. This was the last place he wanted to be. Imagine if someone had could see him speaking with Tenten of all people. It'd be social suicide. Then he spotted something to get him out of there. Through the window into the courtroom, Neji saw the Kumo ambassador rise from his seat.

"Sorry, police business," Neji told Tenten, taking his opportunity where he could. Grabbing the door and hauling it open, Neji furiously burst into the room. Everybody paused, looking back at the Hyuuga. Neji pointed at the Kumo ambassador.

"HE HAS A WEAPON! RUSH HIM!"

As everybody rushed the Kumo ambassador who had previously escaped a beating, Naruto decided to get his own two cents in.

"WHUP HIS ASS!"


Naruto wiped the sweat from his brow as he worked, enjoying the sensation as best he could. In front of him, Temari moaned in pleasure.

"How's that?" Naruto asked, panting slightly.

"Mm, it's good Naruto," she replied, enjoying herself, "Heh, we should do this more often."

"Well, you've never really seemed interested in making the beast with two backs since the first time back in Furou," Naruto said, panting a little harder as Temari moaned a little louder, "Not to mention you were in your unsafe time for the pregnancy."

"Well, it seemed like a time to celebrate," Temari said, moaning again, "despite that fiasco of a trial. Oooh, that feels good, baby."

Naruto felt himself getting close, so he started going a little harder. Temari responded in kind, approaching her own climax as well.

"Hey, do you think I can… you know..." Naruto asked, hoping Temari would catch on. Temari just turned her head towards his and captured his lips in a feverish kiss.

"Go for it," she said after releasing him, her voice wavering as she was right at the edge, "Not like I can get pregnant while I'm pregnant."

Naruto just grinned as he went as hard as he could, finally pushing the mother of his baby over the edge. While Temari loudly moaned as Naruto finished her off, Naruto approached his own climax. But right before he finished, a thought struck his head.

Sarutsuki.

Sarutsuki.

Saru.

It… this was it!

"ASUMA!" Naruto yelled out as he finished. He slumped into his bed, only later noticing Temari giving him an absolutely bewildered and confounded look. Naruto didn't realize what she was thinking until she opened her mouth to say just one word.

"What."


"Kurenai, how is it going?"

Naruto casually walked in, seeing the raven-haired beauty sitting on the front steps of her classic white picket-fence home, hands gripping the ground as she sat down and smiling gently at the approaching blond.

"Oh, I'm quite well, Naruto," Kurenai said, "Congratulations on your winning your trial, I knew they'd acquit you."

"Haha, thanks," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head, "I was kind of nervous there for a bit, but I guess nobody can really beat the truth. How's the kid?"

"She tired herself out and is now sleeping soundly inside," Kurenai said, "Not that I mind your company, but why are you here if you don't mind my asking? I'm not sure of the last time you actually approached me to talk."

"Oh, yeah… as much as I'd like to exchange pleasantries with a woman of your beauty and grace Kurenai, I'm actually here to speak with Asuma today," Naruto said, "Though maybe next time I can bring Fuu and Temari to keep you company one day."

"That sounds nice," Kurenai said, smiling at the idea, "Asuma isn't home just yet, though he shouldn't be long. I think he was picking up some groceries on his way back from his mission. He's helping out with border control these days."

"That's cool," Naruto said, "It's always nice to take some time off from official missions out of the village, let's you spend more time with the family. Do you mind if I wait here with you?"

"Not at all," Kurenai said, moving over a little bit to open up room for the blond, "Take a seat."

Before Naruto sat down, he heard some rustling behind him.

"Welcome home, darling," Kurenai said, as the blond was turning around. Asuma was standing there in his traditional jounin vest and with shopper in hand, slightly surprised to see Naruto standing there. He voiced as such.

"Naruto, isn't this a surprise?" he said, giving the blond a fond look, "What brings you to my humble abode?"

Asuma walked forward, raising the bag of his groceries as he did so.

"Maybe you want a taste of my amazing teriyaki?" he asked, grinning brilliantly, "I learned the recipe from the Akimichi themselves."

Naruto did not react in a way either of them expected, but really, they should have by now.

"HE'S GOT A WEAPON! RUSH HIM!"


"Nothing."

Naruto took careful aim as Neji tossed up another figurine, lining up his shot before throwing his shuriken, striking the doll with pristine aim and accuracy. The toy shattered when the throwing star struck it, causing the nearby man to shriek in horror as another of his precious collection was destroyed.

"I can't believe we got nothing. PULL!"

Neji dutifully tossed the next action figure into the air, this time a model with pink hair, limited edition if what the box said was true. As Naruto destroyed this one, the man let out an agonizing wail.

"NO! Not my limited edition Megumi-chan! That's the only sailor senshi model I have!" he yelled, struggling against the bonds they had him wrapped up in.

"Shut up, nerd," Naruto said viciously, shaking a fist at him, causing the man-boy to flinch. However, it did not deter him from opening his mouth.

"Monster! You evil monster!" he yelled, giving Naruto a frightened glance, "Demon!"

Naruto and Neji just ignored him, continuing to destroy his collection as they vented their frustration on not finding any leads on their Sarutsuki conundrum.

"Where did we go wrong?" Naruto asked, as the last of the figurines was destroyed by Neji's precise jyuuken strike, causing the man to finally deflate, all hope lost, "I was so sure it would be Asuma. It's Saru-fucking-tsuki! How could I have been wrong?"

"Nobody said it would be easy," Neji said, shaking his head, "Don't start doubting yourself now, Naruto, that's what the enemy does. You're becoming like them."

Naruto just sighed deeply.

"This job is eating me alive," he said, "I can't breathe anymore. And if I give up, this guy Eternal-sama will make me the laughingstock of the village. They're going to slander my good name, because I stood up to them. I live with that every day. That's the same thing as if I shit in my pants before I put them on."

The blond shifted back, tilting his head towards the sky and looking upwards with his eyes closed, soaking in the sun for a moment, as if trying to absorb the good weather.

"I spent all this time trying to be the good guy, you know? The Lord Uchiha, the man that is the chief of police, the saviour of this hick village. And for what? For nothing. I'm not becoming like them, Neji. I am them."

They were silent for a moment, the only noise was of their surroundings, the rustling of leaves from the gentle wind, the chirping of birds singing their songs, the soft weeping of a nerd that had his life's work destroyed and his dreams shattered.

"Then…" Neji said, speaking despondently, "I guess this is it? We're done?"

"FUCK no!" Naruto said, "What're you, stupid? We're done in the sense that we're doing things as cops. I say it's time we gather the boys and go club some heads."

"There's no way Tsume will let us do this, not after all the shit we pulled," Neji said, frowning slightly.

"If it comes to that… if it comes to that, then we've truly lost. That's why we have to convince her," Naruto said, looking into the distance, "I'm sure we'll have support. The boys, they'll follow us to hell and back."

"She might reassign us," Neji said. Then, he started grinning at the thought.

"Finally! I've been waiting for this," he said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation, "I've been wanting to try filling out the reassignment form for ages now! It's a work of art, all those clauses! And you even get to stamp it!"


"What're you, stupid?" Tsume snarled at them, "Do you really think I'll let you idiots go rogue like that!? After all that shit with Kumo, not to mention Asuma?"

"This is all we have left," Naruto said, slapping his hand on the table, "These guys, there's no finding them, not the way we are. You have to let us do this."

"Not happening," she said, "I expect you and every other shinobi in this force to behave with restraint or turn in their resignations. You're on notice, Uzumaki. This little wild west show of yours is exactly the kind of thing this department's no longer prepared to tolerate! Is that clear!?"

"Yes'm," Neji said, gulping as she eyed them dangerously. Naruto just tsked in frustration.

"If that's all, I've got work to do," the blond said, turning to leave her home office.

"But not in first response," Tsume said, causing the blond to pause.

"What?"

Tsume didn't answer immediately, looking at Naruto angrily for a moment. While the rage didn't really show on her face, it was noticeably in the air.

"After all that shit you pulled, this is the last straw. You're being transferred to personnel."

"What!?" Naruto and Neji responded, the former angrily and the latter joyfully.

"Personnel? You're fucking kidding me. That's for sluts and assholes."

Tsume gave Naruto a frosty glare, actually causing Neji to take a step back.

"I was in personnel for ten years," she said in a biting tone, "Your kunai and your badges now. Now!" Tsume said, beckoning the two to leave them on her desk. As the two divested their commemorable kunai and Konoha Police badges, Naruto gave Tsume a dirty, yet suggestive leer.

"You were in personnel? Well then, maybe you want to show me exactly how slutty personnel is?" he said, unflinchingly. Neji looked at him in horror, knowing something the blond jinchuriki didn't.

"Hoh?" Tsume replied, raising an eyebrow, "You're a cocky brat, aren't ya?"

"I sure am… cocky, alright, if ya know what I mean."

Tsume snorted. Looking the blond up and down, the Inuzuka woman couldn't help but feel intrigued. She had heard tales of his prowess, what with his knocking up of Temari, who could get hotter than the Suna desert when she got going. Not to mention Anko's recollection of her escapade with him. Tsume had always had a thing for younger guys.

And he was pretty good looking, she had to admit.

"Think you can handle it?" Tsume asked him, a feral grin on her face. Naruto's eyebrows rose as he looked at her with slight surprise.

"Do I think I can handle it?" Naruto repeated, grinning back at her, "The question is, can you handle me?"

"Guess we'll see, won't we?" Tsume said, before calling out, "Ikeike! Get in here!"

A man came into the room almost immediately, opening a door of what appeared to be a bedroom. Naruto thought he looked oddly familiar, but he couldn't quite place where he might have seen the man's likeness before. Certainly, nobody really had grey hair like him, though the man was balding pretty badly.

"Get the bed ready," Tsume ordered the man, her tones harsh, "I want it pristine for when I ride blondie over here!"

"Yes, mistress," the man murmured, lowering his head in obedience before going off to complete his task. Neji just shuddered in disgust, muttering his own farewells and evacuating the premises with obvious haste.

"I feel like I've seen him before," Naruto commented, addressing Tsume, "Who is he?"

"Him? That's my current husband," Tsume explained, much to Naruto's astonishment.

"Your…" Naruto said, trailing off, "Wait, that's Kiba's dad?"

When Tsume nodded in the affirmative, Naruto gave her a weirded look.

"And you just told him we were going to do the dirty?"

"Why not?" Tsume said, "It's not the first time. He's a cuckold, like most Inuzuka men."

Naruto seemed hesitant now, unsure if he really want to do this or not. Tsume just seemed as if it were the most normal thing in the world, which it was to her.

"Does… does he have to be there?" Naruto asked, feeling kind of grossed out.

"Don't worry," Tsume said, realizing the cause of Naruto's hesitation, "He can't do anything, he's locked in chastity. He's probably just going to watch from the closet."

Naruto just shrugged and decided to go with it. Tsume grabbed his hand and led him into the attached bedroom, somehow knowing that her bitch-boy had finished preparing the bed. Naruto closed the door behind him with a lecherous grin.


"I can't…" Naruto wheezed, finally getting the door open, trying to crawl out. It was all in vain however, as Tsume calmly walked up behind, boldly naked as the day she was born. Sensing her behind him, Naruto just weakly looked back at her, seeing her looming over him with a satisfied grin, looking like she wasn't quite done.

"No, no more, please," Naruto whimpered, his voice weak, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."

Tsume did not heed his pleas, grabbing his leg with one arm and slowly dragging him back to the room so she could completely satisfy her lust.

Naruto wailed in agony.


"Well, Naruto-kun," Azusa said, looking closely at his x-rays, "I'm not sure I understand how this was even possible, but apart from your severe dehydration, your pelvis is completely shattered."

Nearby, Tsunade stood against the wall, her arms crossed as she gazed at the blond in amusement. Azusa hadn't really heard of Tsume's… tendencies to break younger men, but this wasn't the first time Tsunade had seen this. Though, of course, she hadn't ever seen a case this extreme before.

That itself spoke a lot to Naruto's stamina in the sack.

"How in the world did you manage to do this to yourself?" Azusa asked, genuinely curious.

"I was- I just," Naruto blabbered, feeling more than a little helpless, "I was practicing a new kinjutsu, s'all. Yeah, a new kinjutsu."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?" she asked, "And what is this supposed kinjutsu of yours do?"

"It… uhh." Naruto looked around the room as if trying to find some inspiration. On the wall, he saw a diagram of the chakra system of the body. And there it was, in the glorious nether-regions of the male body, a system that allowed chakra to head to the promised land.

"The basis of it is channelling chakra to my-"

"Nope, I don't want to know anymore," Tsunade said, cutting him off. She pushed off the wall, walking over to the blond. Resting her hand over his crotch region, Tsunade began pushing her healing chakra into his pelvis.

"Ooh, tingles."

"Are you really working on such a technique?" Azusa asked coyly, watching Tsunade heal the blond jinchuriki, "Let's say I'm curious as to the… end results."

Naruto just winked at her.

"It's my number one womb-buster technique."


Naruto, pelvis healed and all, strolled through the hospital having been cleared by Tsunade. It felt great to be able to move again, and Tsunade had repeatedly assured him that Naruto Jr would be fully functional.

Of course, Naruto would have to test that himself tonight, but he took her at her word. Everything felt okay, at least.

"Naru-nii!"

Pausing in surprise, Naruto peered into the room where he heard his voice. Inside the room were Fuu and Bee, the former sitting in a chair and the latter in hospital garments and a wheelchair.

"Hey, what're you two doing here?" Naruto asked, "And Fuu, when did your voice get so deep?"

"Naru-nii," Bee repeated, "I'm so glad you came to visit me!"

Naruto, realizing that Bee had really seemed to lose his marbles and perhaps had given into the illusion that he was just an overgrown little boy from Kumo, shuddered in disgust.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I gave him that water to drink," Fuu explained, "You know, the one you gave to me, with all that rust in it."

"And he actually drank it?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow. Bee just blushed as Fuu shrugged apathetically.

"Told him they were vitamins," she explained, "I wanted to see if he'd do it."

"Man, you're an idiot," Naruto said, "I mean, you don't have to be a white-eyes to know that shit was unsafe to drink."

Both Bee and Fuu gasped, one in shock and the other in joyful anticipation.

"You said the W-word!" Bee exclaimed, sounding horrified. Fuu, true to herself, took that to mean she could also say it now.

"Nah, nah, it's cool," Naruto said, waving him off, "I'm friends with a white-eyes, so I'm allowed to say it."

At that very moment, none other than the leader of the Hyuuga clan, Hiashi, stepped into the room.

"Oh, do accept my apologies," he said, "I seemed to have entered this room mistakenly, when I meant to go into the next one over. I shall take my leave."

Seeing this as the opportunity he needed, Naruto stepped forward.

"Watch, I'll prove it," he said to Bee, before turning to Hiashi, "No problem, my white-eyes. Stay fresh."

Hiashi's eyes widened in shock and outrage.

"What!? How dare you use that word in front of a man of my station?" he said, his tone dulcet, "Even the Lord Uchiha isn't to use that kind of language!"

Naruto stepped back, not anticipating Hiashi being so upset.

"I, uh, duh…" he blabbered, "Neji said I could say it! I swear!"

Hiashi's eyes narrowed.

"He did, did he?" Hiashi's tone was low and full of righteous anger, "Well, I'll have to have a word with Neji."

The three inhabitants of the room watched as Hiashi left the room in haste, the winds of righteousness and justice accompanying him.


"You fool!" Neji said, barging into the hospital room, "What did you say to Hiashi-sama!?"

"What?" Naruto said, standing up, "I didn't say anything."

When Neji starting growling in anger, Naruto was quick to confess.

"Apart from saying that you told me I could say white-eyes, I said nothing to him!" Naruto explained, raising his hands in defense. This did nothing to calm Neji down.

"I never said that!"

"Hey now," Naruto said, remembering his exact conversation with Neji regarding the matter, "You told me to shut my mouth. That's not a no!"

Neji just shook his head, knowing better than to argue with the blond.

"I'm saying no now, okay?" he told the blond, giving him an imposing look. Naruto just nodded his head in agreement.

"Okay, yeesh, I got it."

"By the way, Naruto," Bee spoke up, "Since my tentacle porn business went bust, I've been thinking of opening a radio station in Konoha, since you don't have any here. Can you uhh… grease the wheels?"

Neji just froze as he considered Bee's words. Naruto also seemed to notice something, giving Neji a look that the Hyuuga reciprocated. It was at that time that Tsunade burst into the room.

"Naruto!" she said, "There you are. I need a fresh supply of chakra for a operation. Come with me!"

Naruto just pointed at Bee.

"There's your man," Naruto said, "We're kind of busy here, solving the Sarutsuki case. Use him instead."

"Naruto!" Tsunade said in an admonishing tone, "Butterfly-kun is just a young boy! How can you even think of volunteering him!?"

Naruto just slapped his hand to his face. Thankfully, Neji came to his rescue.

"Tsunade-sama, please," Neji said, "We're about to bust this case wide open. I can see that… 'Butterfly'-kun has a large amount of chakra. I'm sure he'd be willing to help in return for a favor from the Hokage."

Bee just nodded enthusiastically. Tsunade, grumbling about useless shinobi, just wheeled Bee out of the room instead of arguing any further.

"Naruto," Neji said, the room now empty besides the two of them, "Something that Kirabi said, there's something that I think we were missing before."

"Yeah," Naruto said, nodding, "It's like a puzzle piece that was missing."

Neji's eyes widened in shock when he realized exactly what it was.

"Wait a minute… Naruto!" Neji said, "There's no radio station in Konoha!"

Naruto paused, considering Neji's words.

"Holy crap… it can't be…" he said, "I THINK I LEFT MY STOVE ON AT HOME!"

"No, you dumbass, the-"

"Wait, wait. I think I understand…" Naruto said, cutting the Hyuuga off.

"Yeah, the radio!"

"I forgot to pay my electric bill!"

"NO! You idiot, focus," Neji all but screamed at the man, "The radio Naruto, the radio!"

Naruto gasped.

"I get it!" he said, causing Neji to nod sagely in the background.


"Thanks for reminding me Neji," Naruto said, much to Neji's consternation, "I almost forgot that I gave my favorite white coat for dry cleaning here."

As the dry cleaner brought him his coat, Naruto saw something that he immediately did not like.

"I'm sorry, dear sir," the dry cleaner said, "We couldn't the stains out."

"Shit!" Naruto said, suddenly realizing, "The radio!"

Neji just sighed.

"This fucking idiot."


Naruto and Neji arrived back at the Eternal Genin's shanty house, noticing that something different already. Where there was a previously splintered and mostly broken door, there was now a white cloth covering the entrance. Pushing the white cloth aside, Naruto and Neji stepped into the house, immediately noticing that absolutely none of the destruction that Naruto and Neji had wrought was fixed, despite Neji's assurances that they would be.

"Weren't you supposed to get his shit replaced?" Naruto asked the Hyuuga. Neji just shrugged. Looking around the room, the Eternal Genin was nowhere in sight.

"Byakugan!"

Neji focused with his sight, noticing something that he hadn't before.

"There's… there's a doorway to underneath this place," he said, sounding confused, "Apparently a long set of tunnels that lead to a large underground base of some sort. And… there are people down there as well."

"Let's go," Naruto said, "Let's get this bastard. Lead the way, Hyuuga-man."

Neji walked over near a wall and pushed a bookshelf aside, revealing a hidden door. Opening the door, Neji lead the way through a long set of stairs, guiding Naruto with his Byakugan. The two officers snuck through the underground cavern, carefully avoiding traps and false exits as they approached an area with a small amount of people.

"We're here," Neji said softly, "There are six people in there, and a whole lot of advanced technology."

"Let's go," Naruto said, sounding dead serious for once, "Time to kick some ass."

They rushed out, completely surprising the people in that room. Moving swiftly, Naruto and Neji were more than enough to take out the majority of the inhabitants of the room, leaving only one person left. But they left him alone purposely.

"So… you've finally found out," the Eternal Genin said, giving them a superior smirk, "What took you so long?"

"Oh, you know," Naruto said airily, "Clubbing some heads, banging some chicks. Stuff you wouldn't know anything about."

"Ugh, the pre-fight banter," the Eternal Genin said, grimacing, "Can we just skip this? You're going to bore me to death."

"You started it," Neji replied, scowling.

"What did you hope to accomplish?" Naruto asked, "I mean, as soon as your name got out in the open, it was only a matter of time that you got caught."

"I don't want to hear this from a brat that has no idea who we really are," the Eternal Genin replied bitingly, "You don't know who you're messing with, boy, nor do you understand the depths of this organization."

"But I digress," he said, "I'm a busy man. Congratulations, you've reached the end. Now, give up, for there's nothing you can do."

Naruto and Neji adopted their fighting stances.

"We'll be the judge of that," Neji said, waving his outstretched hand in an invitational gesture, "Come."

"HAAAAAH!" the Eternal Genin yelled out, running at them as fast as he could. Jumping mid-way through his dash, the previously frail old man aimed a kick at Naruto's chest, though the blond seemed slightly confused at the man's actions.

Right before he was able to hit the blond, Naruto grabbed the man's leg, pulling him over his head and slamming him to the ground with a loud thud.

"OWWW! MY SPINE!" the man screamed in pain. Neji deactivated his Byakugan and gave the man a confused look.

"Wait," he said, "You're… you're actually a genin? You weren't just faking?"

The Eternal Genin just groaned in pain, unable to move. Neji just looked at Naruto.

"So should we arrest him?" he asked, "I mean… seems like we got him."

Naruto considered it for a moment.

"Ehh, I say we just kill him," the blond replied. The Eternal Genin gave a pained chuckle.

"I may not be able to beat you in a fight," he told them, "But you don't want to arrest me. Otherwise, what will happen to poor little Fuu?"

Naruto and Neji both froze.

"What?" Naruto asked slowly. The old man just smirked. Reaching into his pocket, he activated the giant display on the far side of the room. Sitting there blindfolded was obviously Fuu, a man with a kunai standing above her head. Naruto grit his teeth at the image.

"That's right, did you think I didn't have any contingencies?" the man said, "You're a fool. I kidnapped Fuu and her friend Butterfly to make sure something like this wouldn't ruin us."

Naruto narrowed his eyes in pure rage.

"You old fuck. What the hell do you wa-" he paused, considering what the man said, "Wait, did you say Butterfly?"

"Yes, I also kidnapped her friend for leverage," the Eternal Genin said, "People call him Butterfly-kun, I believe? Sweet boy he is. Shame if something were to… happen to him."

True to what the man said, sitting right beside Fuu was the equally blindfolded Killer Bee. Naruto had no idea how he missed that the first time. Naruto tried his best not to snort in laughter.

"Hey old man, let me talk to her, just once," Naruto said.

"I'm not a cruel man, Uzumaki Naruto," the Eternal Genin said, "I'll let you say your last words to her before I have you two kill yourselves."

Reaching for a button on the remote, he activated the mic in the room.

"Fuu, you okay?" Naruto asked.

"Naru-nii!" Fuu said, "What's going on?"

"Don't worry sweetheart, you'll be fine," Naruto told her, "Bee! Stop goofing off."

"It's Butterfly!" Kirabi replied in anger, rising up and breaking his bonds much to the Eternal Genin's horror, "BUTTERFLY!"

As Bee took care of all the captors, Naruto just smirked evilly at the completely defeated Eternal Genin.

"So, 'Eternal-sama'," Naruto said, signalling Neji to kneel beside the man and put his Jyuuken-ready fingers by the man's head, "What are you going to tell me now?"

"P- please!" the Eternal Genin said, realizing that he was screwed, "I'm not the real boss!"

"Oh really now," Neji replied, "If it's not you, then who is?"

"I… I'm unable to say his name," the Eternal Genin said, "Please, I can't say his name, but I can tell you where to find him."

Naruto and Neji looked at each other for a moment. Neji's hand quickly blurred, touching his nose. Naruto was just a second too late.

"Damn it!" he swore. Neji grinned before turning back to the Eternal Genin.

"Keep talking, bitch, or Neji gonna give it to ya."

He spilled.


The blond wiped the seat from his forehead, cursing everything he could think of as the heat assaulted him unforgivingly. The island itself was about four hours from Konoha, though he had gotten there in half the time with his Giant Toad Leap technique that he had based off of Gamabunta's jumping around.

But at least it wasn't halfway across the continent, only being a few hours from Konoha. Still, he resolved to step up his game, lest Neji beat him again.

Looking around on the island, stepping out of the water miserably wet, Naruto spotted a lone hut sitting near the beach. Trudging over, Naruto swore to himself that if he didn't find the true boss of Sarutsuki in there, something would burn.

Not even bother to sneak around, Naruto just walked up to the front door and opened it. And inside he found something truly horrible.

The blond just gazed at the scene with a look of shock and utter disgust on his face.

"YOU!"


AN:

Wow, update in (relatively) record time! Hah!

Anyway, this is the infamous buddy 'cop' chapter, which pretty much ties up the entire main criminal organization in Konoha that was referenced two chapters ago. Well, you'll definitely see a good amount of references to several movies or characters in here. And I suppose Naruto's technically a cop. There are a couple of lines in this chapter that are inside jokes between myself, Az, and Ageant, though the dialogue flows well enough that it won't throw off the story too much.

As for some of the negative reactions that people are having to how I'm writing Naruto as a complete douchebag, understand this: Naruto in WNN is a bad person with little to no redeeming qualities. A terrible human being. Seriously. Sure, he has people he cares about, but he's still a truly petty and mostly unrepentant asshole. This chapter showed you what made him this way. Yes, that's all it took. It's called being an anti-hero. Also a dick. If people want a story where Naruto is the tragic hero, there are fuckloads of shitty fanfiction with that out there for you to enjoy with your pathetic morsels of what can barely be referred to as intelligence. Just know that as much as you hate Naruto in this fic, I always imagine him enjoying all the pain and suffering the Naruto's of other fics go through. Keep that thought in your head as you read that repetitive crap. I'm going to enjoy writing something different.

Next chapter will delve into revelations about the origins of Sarutsuki and ROOT, some of the glorious WNN version of Konoha's history. Konohamaru and Hinata will probably each make a short appearance. We'll see Kiba's reactions to finally finding his father. And let's not forget the unique interaction that Butterfly-kun and Chouji will have. Oh, and Iruka might get out of the clink. With a beard.

Don't forget to review! And I didn't even bother getting this beta'd, though there shouldn't be too many mistakes. Let me know if you find any.

Stay fresh, my white-eyes.

knuckz