The Past. 74th Hunger Games: Day 1

I always thought it would be awful lonesome, in the outer darkness–my first night in the Games was like a little taste of that torment. The wind sucked out my blood, as I shivered on that high branch, and there was none to warm me in the world.

None to help me. None to say I was a good, sweet girl who'd surely be saved–and how could I be, when there was no one I could help? Echoes of the Bloodbath haunted the woods, and I'd been helpless, oh, I'd ran and ran.

But my family's tears cried in my ears loudest, that night. My Pa, my Ma, who'd sweated out their souls for love of us. My only sibs, who I'd striven and toiled all my life to help, like a real big sister. They'd all have sworn before the Lord I was, but they were hurting worse than ever now, and I wouldn't even see them again.

Even my Mockingjay friends were gone with the sun. I was alone, whimpering with cold. Thinking on how that Clove had looked at me, what she'd done to that girl–I had to find Katniss. Then I could maybe believe God hadn't left me, in these silent woods of death.


The Present. 74th Hunger Games: Day 15

"–help you win the Hunger Games, Rue, for Katniss. Katniss. Katniss–"

Peeta, I'm sorry.

"–Lord. Not asking you forgive me–"

Thresh, I'm sorry.

"–when I win? Maybe I'll have a long scented bath–"

Glimmer, Four-girl, Jason, I'm sorry. I loved Katniss, I hardly knew your names, I went and killed you.

"–win this thing for my old man. Not even my whole Victor prize would pay him back for my life, but it's a start–"

Marvel, I'm sorry. I let Katniss die, and killed you for hate, I couldn't never pay your folks back because you're gone.

"–only one winner, Rue. Peeta…oh, Peeta. Peeta, oh, Peeta."

Katniss, I'm sorry. I helped you kill, I made you die. I should've died instead, saved your love and strength for your family and your Peeta. But I let you die, my Mockingjay sister, my hope–

"Rue! We raised you right! Lose your soul–worse than death! Lose your soul–!"

Mama. I lay on my face and clapped hands on my ears, but there were more voices.

"My little girl–she was always gentle. She won't let that Twelve boy die–not Rue–"

"–that wasn't Rue on tee-vee! You said it was, but she'd never stab anyone–never–!

Papa, and Jim. Their mid-game interviews. I wanted to scream and drown out the wicked shrieking birds in that cursed tree, but I couldn't, it was the truth of what I'd done.

–0–

I should've given my life for Katniss, Peeta, Thresh. What else could a child of God ever do in the Hunger Games? I could've flown up to heaven, but that was just what I'd lost forever.

I'd wanted to see my folks again. But they couldn't love me no more, alive or dead, because I'd sold my soul. I'd stolen, killed and clung to life while Peeta and Katniss died. I'd most likely never had real faith in God since getting reaped and no one saved me. But, oh, He turned out just.

He said the soul of the treacherous shall eat violence, He punishes the cowards and liars. For all the shame I bought on my family, on my God, I would die like a sinner in the flame. Head throbbing with the heat and fever, I crawled over the edge, to stare the fire in the face. The bird's yammered on;

"Rue! You're not listening! Run!–"

"–only killing this boy, so she live!"

"–our sister wouldn't ever–!"

"RUE!"

I looked up, into the darkness. Round the edge of the vast cavern I could make out steps in a great spiral, leading down from the forest above to the tree-top where I was writhing. Someone was moving in the daylight at the top of the stairs–Thresh was shouting down that he was coming for me.

Five spotlights went on suddenly around the cavern. Each one lit up a cave, and a crouching monster, like wolves and men mixed together, all chained-up along the stair. Their hair was gold, black, brown–I knew they were the Careers, their spirits come back to torment us.

The furious snarling and the screams of the birds were so alike to hell together I almost went crazy. But Thresh pounded down the stairs towards the first dark haired wolf-mutt. After a minute's slashing and gnashing he stabbed it through the chest, and dashed further down.

I saw the sleek golden mutt tear Thresh's shoulder open, before he slammed it into the wall and stabbed its throat. He was shedding his blood for me. Or was he coming to kill me like Peeta? Either way, he couldn't save my soul, I couldn't even trust him. I was still alone.

I had to fall into the fire before he got down. I knew the agony he'd be left in, if he'd killed to save me, but I just couldn't stand any more blood. It seemed whatever we did just brought on misery, like true slaves of sin. Slaves of the Hunger Games.

I staggered to my feet and looked down at the fire, but I couldn't move. Something was holding me.

I saw the Mockingjay pin shine like sunlight in that cave. Though the screeching wicked birds, a still, sweet voice like music came to me. I stood up on my toes and my eyes went wide.

God didn't want me to die. Not God who gives food to every sparrow, rain and sun for the good and bad. Who sent Jesus to bless the little children, keep them from falling (I watched Thresh hack down a brown haired mutt, I started to weep). It was the Capitol who'd put me here, like a cat that pulled the wings off little birds to watch them die.

But I couldn't live, I'd played their game–they'd played me in their game, like a helpless stick. I'd smiled and blundered about, but nothing in myself had stopped me falling down.

It was almost harder than jumping in the fire, but I forced my hands together and prayed to the Lord. Knowing I'd sinned to His face. More scared of His angry frown than all the Capitol might do. But I couldn't just keep trying to stay happy, and do right. Nothing in my head or heart could help me live on, no one could help but Him.


The Past. 74th Hunger Games: Day 1 to 4

I don't reckon I could've come down from that tree in my own strength, that first morning, without thinking on the nights I snuck out to steal apples and corn for my sibs. Creeping through the sunless trees and hiding at every noise, even it was just another kid like me. I knew I was going against them and their cruelty. I knew the Lord wouldn't protect a girl who defied her loving parents–but my sibs were hungry. I saw them hurting every day. I had to be their big sister, I didn't trust anyone but me to save them. I didn't know why God never saved the children in the Hunger Games, but I had to hide and run and live to find home again.

That second day I headed downhill, until I found damp ground, a pool. I smiled and thanked the Lord in my heart. He'd made the cool water, the little flowers and insects round the verge, the birds trilling away in even this blood-stained forest. And if I hid nearby, maybe Katniss would come to this pool, come and save me.

After another day, she came. My heart fairly sang with joy, but she looked starved. Still strong, but so fierce and desperate, I was too afraid to step out. I wanted to trust her so much, but I knew all on a sudden that if I couldn't, I'd be dead. So I followed her through the trees, hidden and fearful, until we got split up in that terrible fire–the shock and the fear was worse than I want to remember.

When I found Katniss again she was burned, up a tree like a real Mockingjay. Four Careers and the boy I thought loved her were stood under the tree. Waiting to tear my hope to pieces when she fell. She looked helpless, Katniss would die, I'd be left to die alone. No one to save me, so far from home and love, because I couldn't ever save her. I called out to God in silence all that night, from my tree. But I'd gone into danger and sin without Him, little and foolish as I was. In all the hunger and blood, I just couldn't feel he was there to hear me. I only prayed because there was nothing else I could do.

Until I stared through leaves and tears at Katniss, and saw the nest, the Tracker-Jackers. At first I was scared for her, but I soon realised they were dozy with smoke from the big fire. Pa and the other fieldhands used smoke, so the Capitol's mutts wouldn't hurt them. But now Katniss could use the same mutts to hurt the Careers. Maybe kill them. Maybe save her life.

It wasn't no choice it was right for a girl of twelve to make. No more right than dropping that girl in a game of death to make such choices. I should've kept praying. Maybe the Lord would've told me It was His will the nest be dropped. Or I should give my life to draw the Careers away. But I didn't have the faith or courage to wait and hear what was right from my God. I didn't pray no more.

I just whistled, until her tough grey eyes caught me. I couldn't smile, but I pointed up to the nest. Then when she'd almost sawed the branch, I hid in a distant tree and shut my ears to the screaming.


The Present

Dear Lord, I'm sorry. I heard you were a shield and a friend to all who trust you, but I never did. Never had faith you'd save me, love me….forgive me all I done. I killed your creations you loved. I didn't save Katniss or Peeta, I did all I could, but I was just a feeble, sinning nothing of a child. I'm nothing without you, Lord. I can't live this death-in-life no more, my sins screaming in my ears, please Lord, take them away. Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. Please.

The flame still roared, like the fever in my head. The birds still cried out, in my parents' voices. All they'd said, all I'd done–

No. One more thing they'd said.

"Oh, Rue. Me and your father will love you, whatever happens."

And a voice like glorious singing in my whole body suddenly lifted me onto my toes. Almost up to the sky, above all hunger and pain, to Jesus' very feet. He'd suffered at cruel men's hands, like I had, suffered with all I'd done–but He'd suffered for me, took my guilt away. And now the Lord himself was singing out joy, because I'd come to Him. His child He loved–oh, hallelujah, glory be.

I sing because I'm happy,

I sing because I'm free!

His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He rescues me!

Through all the Games, hadn't the God who made grouslings, mockingjays and friends kept me from going crazy with sorrow? Hadn't He even kept me safe when I'd planned out my death? I truly wept that I'd ever doubted such love, but nothing would ever take my joy away.

What did flames or jabbering birds matter, when Jesus had died on the cross, for God's glory and the love of me? Taken my just punishment, like no volunteer had. Gave his life for me, like poor Thresh never could. I might be filthy with murder, but His free-shed blood had washed me pure. I'd heard it preached, but glory be, I'd finally heard and believed.

A harsh cry brought me back. Dripping mutt's blood, Thresh had cut down the six wolves and got down the stairs to rescue me. I could see his courage more than ever, but something about the way he slashed about to smash the wicked birds' cages looked so savage. I was almost relieved when the pillar I stood on suddenly started rising, lifting me up to the sky for real. Another trick to keep me away from Thresh and free to kill myself. But God had me now; I wouldn't ever be falling again.

I hung on, until the pillar lifted me up to the surface, and then limped off into the forest. Leaving poor Thresh far below with nobody to rescue.


The Present. 74th Hunger Games: Day 15

"Rue! I sorry! Sorry for all I said, just please come back!"

Hidden in the dusk and the bushes, I watched Thresh wander about alone, and call out to me. I'd slipped away long before Thresh staggered back up from the hell-cave. He didn't look mortal hurt, just lost and befuddled.

"Not gonna hurt you. Save you. Sorry…" I saw him slump down in the dirt from sheer exhaustion, still crying out my name. When he looked up, I was there.

I'd spent maybe a few hours sat in long grass, smiling at every bird and beetle with love. Feeling the wind above, the soil beneath, and how much I loved the God who made it all. I even limped about made myself a little crown of daisies, a necklace of violets and rosemary. A flower for each of my loving family who never gave up on me, a flower for all my friends alive and dead. Some silly Capitol folk had even sent me a parachute with a beautiful bunch of red orchids–I guess they were finally seeing the pure, unworldly spirit they'd looked for. I held the orchids as I gazed on Thresh's glistening face.

"What. Was the point of all that?"

"No point, Thresh. The Capitol folk just wanted to see you fight and me suffer some more, that's all it was. That's what they think." Feeling their eyes on me, I stared up at the sky and grinned.

"Wanted to save you. Felt pretty useless."

"Well, you were awfully brave, but I think you've always thought a little too much of yourself, Thresh Robinson. How can you decide you've got to die for me? That you sinned so bad not even God could forgive you?"

"He gotta judge me. This the Hunger Games. The Lord gotta do something."

"But Thresh, He did." I was weeping with joy again, "In the blackest hour, he gave me life. He loved us first, he went died so he could forgive our sins, Thresh! We just gotta live His life; when we trust Him it ain't hard at all. So, I forgive you…anything you said or done. I swear I'll never poison you, or kill myself. So you promise never to kill yourself, and don't hurt me or Foxface."

Thresh's eyes went wide as I took the Nightlock out my pocket and threw it away.

"Rue. I been a fool, I sorry. What're we gonna do?"

"Just keep living, and trust the Lord for our way. If they kill us, then we die for Him."

Thresh stood up without a word, he hugged me one last time, and it was most precious of all. I could feel in his arms, in the great strong heartbeat in his chest, He was with me. I could trust him for sure, thank the Lord. I gave him the bunch of orchids, and we sat down together to take a little bread and water before the end.