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OoOoOo
Kill me.
"They tell you what to wear in the Chantry?" Yep, you guessed it. I have been listening to Oghren throw sordid conversation around for the last six hours. I have also listened to him grill Leliana for the last six hours. Six hours that I have also been walking around a maze of darkspawn tunnels that are ludicrously large for the purpose they originally were meant for. What the heck were they trading down here? Entire cities?
"You have robes and such that you must wear." Now, I have never wanted to learn much about the Chantry. Truth is; I DON"T CARE! No one cares about the damn Chantry rules and regulations unless you are a part of the order. Unless, you are a dwarf (who I am almost certain is drunk at this very moment), harassing a pretty woman. Maker's malformed testicles!
Where is an Emissary when you need one?
"And uh, so. Robes. What else?" I blinked back at Oghren who looked faintly excited that Leliana was actually answering him.
"Well... sometimes there are vestments and ceremonial garments..." Oh yeah, I had forgotten those are required sometimes for certain events such as weddings and christenings.
"Right. Right. And... and then?" What do you mean and then? What else is there?
"Why are you so interested in this?" Superb question my bard friend. I think I already have an idea though. I am beginning to think that Oghren is a lecher.
"Oh sod it. Under the robes: pants? No pants?" …Scratch that. He is a lecher and not a very subtle one. It is almost refreshing! A crasser version of Zevran!
"What?" Your under things Leliana, or lack thereof. I snort with laughter and Cullen looks over at me. I cackle at the absurdity of it all. We are down here to chase after a woman who is most likely long since dead, and her husband is interrogating a lay sister about her small clothes. HA!
Good times.
"Stop stalling. Naked or not?" I am giggling by the time he says 'naked'. It would seem that Cullen doesn't find this nearly as amusing as I do, because he is frowning up a storm. Oh lighten up a little, it's not like he is peaking inside her armor or anything.
"What difference does it make?" if the look of anticipation on his face is anything to go by; quite a bit I would imagine.
"All right. Stonewall me. I'll find out one way or the other." Don't you dare come over by me. I'm not in the Chantry!
Leliana smirks as Oghren strides closer to me. "Uh, right. Good luck with that."
"Warden?" Andraste's tits. Why me? I don't want to know what Leliana does or doesn't wear under chantry robes.
"Yes, Oghren?" Cullen, don't you have a job to protect me or something? You are not scoring any future Grey Warden points.
"Same question." He leers up at me. I smirk at him.
"How should I know what's under chantry robes?" I Leliana a smile and she blushes sweetly. Uh…ok then.
"Heh. Aren't you a smart one." He sourly snarled at me. Oh, did you catch that? I know it adds to my charm. "How about mage robes huh? I think we are both aware you know what's under those." He wiggled a finger at my garment.
Why, you sexy dwarven stallion, you. I can't for a moment think of why your wife would choose endless tunnels full of throngs of darkspawn over you. Really, I simply can't imagine.
I smiled wantonly at him. "Oh I have a very good idea what is or isn't under them."
Cullen started sputtering that this was a very inappropriate conversation. Yep, and we are having It anyway. Oh stop blushing. Zevran has said far worse.
"Hot." Oghren snickered at me. "So…uh…what is under there?" His face twisted into a hopeful curiosity.
I have no idea if I should be mortified that I am playing along, or howling with laughter. Let me think. Hm…
Hm.
I pick option number two.
"You want to know?" I leaned closer to Oghren and glanced back at out other party members.
"Aye." His eyes widened just a little.
"Are you sure?" I winked at him and his already ruddy complexion flushed. Oh yes, he has been drinking. I can smell it all over him. It's as inciting as falling into a vat of week old beer. Scrumptious…
"Cullen if you lean forward anymore, you are going to fall over." Leliana giggled and I saw Cullen jump as whirl to face her.
"I-I- wasn't…I wouldn't…not…This is a terribly uncivilized conversation and I am not part of it." His face was beet red. Aww. That is so cute!
"It is so sweet the way you blush." Are you hitting on him? I glared at Leliana for a moment. Who does she think she is?; With her red hair and lyrical voice…and her impossibly curvy hips…and her sweet demeanor. Looks and personality are not everything you know.
Wait.
"So, back to what you are wearing…" He snickered at Cullen for a moment.
"Yes? Do you like the color? If you wanted to borrow it all you had to do was ask." I laughed at his irritated look. I am not telling you about my small clothes. You are worse than Zevran. Everything you say sounds wrong Oghren. Absolutely Everything; when combined with the leering and drooling.
"Stones! Just tell me what is under the robe." His voice betrays his eagerness and I am finding this to be almost screamingly funny. For a drunken dwarf that does nothing but proposition women, and kill darkspawn, I like him.
"Every man's dream Oghren, every man's dream." I watch as Cullen just walked into the cave wall…well that is strange… Leliana giggled at him coyly.
Oh Maker. I just got it….
Leliana likes Cullen. Oh no. This is going to break Alistair's heart; and I am going to need a new bard, because I am going to kill her. Stupid Orlesians. She's not even all that pretty anyway…I think.
"The things I would do to you…." Eh? Did he just…
"What?" I stared at Oghren horrified.
"Oh did I say that out loud?" Yes, and I really wish you hadn't.
OoOoOo
Have you ever had that feeling? You know; the one where you want to grab someone by their pretty little red tresses and slam their face repeatedly into a rock? Say, that jagged outcropping of them over there? No?
I have. In fact I feel my palms itching to do it now.
Now I don't mean to be unkind. Really, I don't. I just have never liked Leliana that much anyway. She is as crazy as I am magical. I can't stand the fact that it is always the 'Chantry' this and 'The Maker' that. If you aren't using the Maker's name in vain; don't use it.
She was never that good at picking locks anyway. Her constant singing grates on my ears and I don't think she is very intelligent. Furthermore, I think it is a complete waste of breath to be talking to her. So you should stop now Cullen.
Stop talking to her damn it!
We have battled golems, and spirits. Did I mention the giant-ass cave spiders? I hate spiders! I nearly jumped out of my robe. Poor Oghren had to catch me as I leapt clear across the cave. Hate Spiders! I refused to come out of the nook I had wedged myself into, until the queen was dead. She could have laid spider eggs on me!
We have found a dwarf that seems to be tainted by darkspawn he has been feeding off of. I will never feel hungry again. The mental picture alone makes me want to defame the fabled Grey Warden appetite. Blech! Nasty!
I think his name was Ruck. I vaguely remember someone asking me to find someone by that name. Meh. It must not have been important. I have to say once again, I got called pretty. We unloaded some of our gear with him, and Oghren pointed out that where Ruck had created his…nest, for lack of a better word…was once home to many fires and many people. Yay! It's a sign!
Then I killed Ruck. I'm not saying that I am proud of that moment, but a slow death from insanity and taint seemed a bit cruel. The others agreed with my actions, of course none of them would come forward and kill him. Oh no! It had to be done by the mage. When are these people going to stop and realize that I have no physical fighting capabilities! None!
Giving me a dagger is like letting a two year-old play with a knife. Someone is going to lose and eye and it will most likely be me. I am lucky like that.
After my initial teasing of him, Oghren won't talk to me. Butt hurt little berserker. The most he says is that we are going the right way, or that he doesn't see signs of Branka. Oh joy and rapture; a wild goose chase.
Really the fighting part is not so bad. It is the arguing with Cullen part that is causing me to be royally pissed off. The man has an opinion on everything! I almost wish he wasn't speaking to me again. I say we should head north and he wants to go west. He has all these ways he wants to battle the darkspawn when they come. He thinks I have to sick behind him with every single battle.
It started off small enough. A simple 'if you are certain'. Which I was. Turned into 'I don't think that is a good idea'. What does he know? Has he been in the Deep Roads before? No. I know I haven't either, but I can sense the darkspawn so he can shut up.
If he weren't a Templar I think I might turn him into a toad…you know, if I could. I am not going to just up and die if you aren't within arm's reach man!
Then ….ooohhh…then the things he says! Grr! I get angry just thinking about it. The little oaf had the audacity to argue with me during a fight with two ogres outside the Dwarven city of Bonnowmar. I told him to flank one ogre while I was trying to paralyze the second. There were also a three dozen or so darkspawn around.
It sounded like a fine plan to me. Oghren could then take out the second ogre, Leliana and I could attack the other darkspawn, and Cullen could have handled the first ogre. Simple, yes? NOT WITH CULLEN! Oh no! The man argued about leaving me wide open.
I can heal, I'm fine really. I have gotten much better at dodging blades. I should have been a dancer by now.
So we had argued during the whole fight, with him being a stubborn jackass and refusing to leave my side. Any other time, that might have been 'sweet' and 'romantic' but right now it was the most block-headed thing to come up against.
So now here we are, yelling at each other, surrounded by fallen darkspawn.
"Why are you being so obstreperous?" Um…obstepa-what? Stop using words I don't know in an argument!
"I am not!" I have no idea what the word means, but it doesn't sound good. I narrowed my eyes at him. Listen here, Templar, handsome or not; I have been the leader of this group from day one and you sure as Fade are not stepping in now! "You need to learn to follow orders!" I shouted at him.
His hands shook in anger. "I will not follow an imbecilic order!" Oh I know what that word meant. You just called my order stupid. Oh you are…you…UGH!
"I am your leader damn it! You will step in line Templar!" I hissed his former title in a fury. His eyes flashed at the challenge I was presenting.
"No, mage, I will not!" He spat on the ground in distaste. So much for chantry manners. "You are as ineffectual in battle as they come." Stop using big words! They don't make you sound smarter. Oh I am so in awe of Cullen and his ability to mouth off in multi-syllable words. Bastard.
"Ineffectual? Who in Andraste's name do you think you are recruit?" I am near spitting fire. If I could remember how to cast primal spells your tin can would be lit up like storm in summer.
"You need to calm down Solona." Leliana stay out of this…oh sod it!...I am so pissed off!
"TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN IS NOT GOING TO CALM ME DOWN!" I roared at the bard who jumped back slightly.
"Don't yell at her!" Cullen shouted at me.
"That never occurred to me, being the imbecile that I am!" I hissed back at Cullen, his eyes flashed dangerously at me.
"Leliana deserves better from the likes of you." He snarled at me.
It was as bad as if he had punched me. The air left my lungs. He defended her? Did that mean that he…? I think I liked it better when he smote me. I clenched my hands so hard they bled and out of habit I healed them as they formed.
"I see." I'm acting as childish. Of course he likes her. She's pretty and talented. She believes in the maker and never thinks unkind things. She… isn't a mage.
Men are stupid. I don't know why I ever thought otherwise.
Oghren shifts uncomfortably. I scoff. I'm an idiot. Cullen would never...I…it was just a crush anyway. I'm not crying. I have some dirt in my eyes. It is really dusty down here, the darkspawn are so unhygienic. Filthy beasts really.
I should really learn to thank Sten. There are times that saying as little as possible is an asset. "I am the Grey Warden here, not you." I didn't know what other point to bring up. It seemed to drain the others of any sort of fight.
So, suck it. I am the leader. Now get behind me and do your damn jobs.
OoOoOo
"First day, they come and catch everyone." Ok….that is a little creepy. Where is that coming from? I just walked into a hall covered in…flesh sacs? Oh I'm going to be ill.
"Second day, they beat us and eat some for meat." I don't think I want to hear any more. I glance nervously at Oghren. I'm not frightened or anything, I am just cold that is why I am trembling.
"Third day, the men are all gnawed on again." Appetizing…mmh leftover corpse. I wonder if there are recipes for that?
"Fourth day, we wait and fear for our fate. " Uh…that seems like an understatement.
"Fifth day, they return and it's another girl's turn." Oh please say we are talking about dancing. Oh please. Darkspawn like to party, right?
"Sixth day, her screams we hear in our dreams." S-s-screams?
"Seventh day, she grew as in her mouth they spew." My ears! My poor virgin ears! Oh the images…it burns! My mind's eye burns!
"Eighth day, we hated as she is violated." Oh no. We are talking about, what I thought we were talking about. I'm gagging. Oghren, you have explicit knowledge of throwing up. Hold my hair.
"Ninth day, she grins and devours her kin." Devours? Just opens up her mouth and 'crunch' 'crunch'?
"Now she does feast, as she's become the beast." This is the worst limerick I have ever heard!
Oh…there is the speaker. Oh how nice…she's a ghoul. I still think that was a terrible limerick. I try to speak with her and she starts calling me 'dream friend'. Ok don't get excited…keep your hands where I can see them.
I have a staff you know. Stay back!
Then she spouts off some information about the darkspawn and Branka. You want to talk about out of their sodding mind? I whistle as Hespith (that's her name according to Oghren) tells her tale in full. You have got to be kidding me! Even women can't be trusted in as love interests? That's it! I'm going to be asexual!
Let's leave the splotchy dwarf alone now. Oh…well she just ran past us screaming that she won't be like 'Laryn'. Whatever crazy. My group and I start to go through more flesh covered tunnels. There are a few skeletons and darkspawn to fight. Cullen and I aren't talking.
I am also not accepting his help. Granted, I have a few new interesting bruises, cuts, and I have had to use more magic than originally planned, but I don't need him. I have Oghren instead. Short, smelly and not nearly as attractive as Cullen, Oghren.
I couldn't be happier.
"She became obsessed, that is the word but it is not strong enough." Not strong enough? You're joking. "Blessed Stone, there was nothing left in her but the Anvil. We tried to escape" See? Now that is a sound plan. "But they found us." Oooh I spoke too soon. "They took us all, turned us. The men, they kill... they're merciful. But the women, they want." Want? In what way? To play dress-up? "They want to touch, to mold, to change until you are filled with them." Um…no, just no. "They took Laryn. They made her eat the others, our friends. She tore off her husband's face and drank his blood." Please feel free to stop at any time. Like now. Right now! "And while she ate, she grew. She swelled and turned gray and she smelled like them. They remade her in their image. Then she made more of them." You can really stop talking now. You are not gifted with the ability to inspire confidence or anything other than sheer knicker-wetting terror. I already live in constant fear that something is going to rip my face off. I don't think a detailed account of a similar event is necessary. Thanks.
"Broodmother…" What the fade are you…
Dear. Thunderhumping. Maker.
It's Lohgain's daughter! Oh what is she doing in the Deep Roads? Ugh! She is as bad as everyone said she was! Are there; 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…eight tits on that her? I wave my hands in front of my body in disgust trying to get the 'vision' six feet away, out of my mind.
Oh...oh…gross…it has like six chins…oh…oh…tentacles…what are you going to do with those? Oh… it looks like a massive grey turd with extra lumps. Eww. I don't want to touch it…she has a hind-end like an insect. EWWWWW!
Darkspawn females seem to let themselves go…
SICK! She spews at us as an attack? What the fade? Oh I am never going to get the smell out of my robes. There are shrieks everywhere and Leliana and I are trying to keep them away from Cullen and Oghren. Oghren is hacking away at her tentacles and Cullen is attacking the broodmother straight on. The fight is starting to turn in our favor.
I sniff. What…what is that smell? OHHHH! Disgusting! She expels gas at us too? It's like an eight-titted Oghren! Dear maker! My eyes are burning! My sinuses are turning into molten lava. It's so noxcious! AIR! What did she eat?
Wait…I don't want to know.
I'm never going to be able to smell again. There are tears pouring down my face like water in a river. Oh maker. Oh Maker. I can taste it in my mouth…IT'S IN MY MOUTH! AAAAGHHH!
I'm choking so hard that I almost fail to cast my wards. I don't want to touch my tongue to the roof of my mouth for fear of tasting…that again.
You got this; guys. I am just going to be over here…tossing my innards. Crap. One of her slimy tentacles has me. Sick! Gross! This is so wrong. I can feel the slime soaking into my robe. So damn wrong.
I see stars as she shakes me like a rag doll in her grasp. My teeth clatter in my head as my jaw clacks with the impact. Is this what riding a horse is like? The whole world is jumbled and I am unable to focus. I now have more sympathy for the ride my tea must take when I stir it.
Well…there went my hair tie. I really liked that ribbon. You sow!
"Umph!" I landed with my usual grace when the tentacle shaking me was cut without preamble by Oghren. He gave me a wave and ordered me to get up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…when the floor stops spinning you bastard.
Then there was a hideous shriek and I blurrily watched the broodmother grasp her head and slump forward. Cullen made the final blow. I could have done better.
I try to stand only to fall down immediately. I think that bitch broke my leg. I poked it once and let out an ear-splitting howl. Oh yeah; it's broken. Why did I do that?
I fussed and cursed as I healed my broken limb. In a few minutes the swelling had gone down and the bone was set correctly. I sped up the healing process enough that I would be able to walk on the leg, but running was out of the question for the rest of the night.
Do darkspawn let you flee at a fast walk? It is my only thought as we loot the broodmother. How in Theadas she managed to keep money on her person, was not something I wanted to think about…ever.
"Are you alright?" Leliana's timid voice sounded behind me as I walk toward a more secluded area. I needed rest with my leg and we had come so far this day that the exhaustion was plainly written on our faces. I sigh. I really don't want to talk to you. I would rather be back in the ass cloud of the broodmother than talk to you right now.
"I am well, your concern is appreciated." I respond as politely as I can muster all things considered. You really aren't that pretty. Your left eye is higher than your right eye and you purse your lips when you concentrate. You look like a fish when you do that. "We must make camp."
Oghren belched to my left. "Hey…uh…Warden?" I am not in the mood Oghren.
"Yes?" I snapped out at him.
"You…uh…you think you could heal this for me?" He held out his arm which had a nasty gash running down the length of it. I grabbed my pack quickly to grab the bandages inside. He is bleeding rather heavily and it is getting all over my robe. Great. Was I not covered in enough bodily secretions?
I nodded mutely and set to work. "It really stings…er…only a little I mean. What's wrong with it?"
"You have a ripped tendon." Why are you asking me this? I need concentration. Your stupid magic resistance is making this hard.
"Ripped? What do you mean ripped?" What else would I mean? Ripped is ripped!
"As in you have two tendons where one used to be." I can't help but be sarcastic. What do you care? I'm fixing it. I snarl inside my head.
"So, magic huh?" His green eyes are looking at my fingertips, which glow a faint white that turns green as it reaches his skin.
"Yep." Is there a point to this Oghren?
"Will this give me magic powers?" His voice is light with excitement. Are you fading kidding me? I raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.
"If by magic powers, you mean writhing in agony, then yes." I scoffed. Magic powers? Is that how people think mages happen? Andraste's saggy tits! You are born a mage, or you are not a damn mage! So it is finished and he thanks me with a well placed lewd comment.
Thanks sweet cheeks, I love you too.
I bury myself in the normal routine of setting out my bedroll. I volunteered to take first watch. We have spilt watches into two parts of the night. The stroke of genius behind that was the first couple of nights we were in tunnels. Well in a tunnel there are two points of exit and entry. If you can do basic math, or you have been listening, you would see why two people would be vital. The two sleeping are between the two on guard. The bed rolls are crammed closely together in order to limit the amount of space that needs to be protected.
Sleeping like a rock and sleeping on a rock should never be confused for one another.
I sat in stony silence staring at the corpse of the broodmother. She actually looks better dead. You can't say that about a lot of things, but with her it's true. Then I heard the last harsh whisper of Hespith from above us as she looked at me.
"That's where they come from." Thanks, I needed that explanation, because I clearly do not have eyes. "That's why they hate us... that's why they need us. That's why they take us... that's why they feed us." Why in the name of Maric's rosy ass are you still rhyming? "But the true abomination... is not that it occurred, but that it was allowed. Branka... my love... The Stone has punished me, dream friend. I am dying of something worse than death. Betrayal." Aren't we all? Hey is there room up there for two? Oh…she just leapt to her death…cheery.
How hard would it be to climb up there?
I look down at my robes and realize that I am covered in vomit and blood. Oh what a delicate mage I am. I console myself with the fact that I still smell better than Oghren.
I dug through my pack, trying to keep my gaze for the most part attentive around us. Whoever was on watch with me would be turned the other way and I was not going to last one more minute in this soiled clothing. Now was no time to be modest, if the broodmother could show her bits, then so could I.
Ick. Its cold now and still wet. Gross. I can't even tie my hair back and I pray that hasn't rubbed off. Think nice thoughts. Leliana set a flame. Oh I know how much to value Andraste. You could be just like her!
My robe makes a wet 'plop' at my feet. My small clothes are a bit damp, but that will have to do. Just in case Oghren isn't asleep yet. I grab my spare robe and keep my eyes fixed on the road behind us. There is a gasp and I turn.
….
Oh…um…hello. I should be covering myself, I really should. I just can't think straight as Cullen stares at me in open mouthed shock. Wow this is uncomfortable. No this is mortifying. Wait, I stand corrected, this is horrifying. Oh Hurlock nuts! Please say this is a dream. I pinched myself lightly.
Damn.
I cleared my throat. My eyes are up here Cullen. What are you so flushed about? You aren't the one standing here in your small clothes! "Uh…You are supposed to watch that way." I pointed in the opposite direction.
Er…I don't think he heard me because he isn't turning around.
"You're beautiful." He murmured to me. Then his eyes went wide and he whipped around so fast I thought is armor might fly off.
There was that flutter in my stomach again. He thinks I'm beautiful? I blush and turn back to my original looking position. I quickly pull the robe on. It offers little warmth against the chill here in the Deep Roads.
What do I do? I have never had to talk to a…man…like this. There is normally a sense of sarcasm I can grasp onto or a joke or…
"You know." I tilted my head to the side and chuckled nervously. "Now that you've seen me in my smalls, you will have to marry me."
I wince at the ensuing silence. Maybe a joke wasn't the best idea. I should have just said 'Thank you'. Ah. Or I could have said nothing at all and waited for it to fade from our memories in a sea of awkwardness. I could have been a captain!
"Wh-what sort of ring do you want?" His stuttering had returned and I felt like I was back in the Circle. Only it didn't bring good memories. It brought back his unwanted speech of how he didn't like me. I glowered at the broodmother's corpse. Fucking Meghan!
"I've always been partial to silver." I suppose I should be grateful that he can take a joke. It shouldn't sting so much that he doesn't like me in that way. Fade and damnation I am repeating that speech word for word in my head.
"Silver and…not…gold? I can hear the unspoken question. Why? I think that silver is prettier and I have never really liked gold. Also, silver makes me think of the moon and the stars. Corny, I know, but I was about ten when I thought of that and it always just sort of stuck.
"Oh yes." I'm tired of being angry with him. I'm tired of not being the one that anybody wants. GAH! But I am still stuck down here staring at the rotting flesh of a female darkspawn. Suddenly all the things I was angry for, really don't matter. At least I am not that thing. "Silver is much prettier. " I said jovially. "It will also help keep werewolves away."
"Werewolves? There is no such thing as werewolves." I know that, but it keeps you talking to me. It's a desperate bid for your attention, but I will take it.
"Oh. I think there are." I said airily. "But if you want your future wife carried away by werewolves because you didn't buy her a silver ring…well…" It feels nice to talk to him for longer than thirty seconds. I feel like my stomach is fighting an ogre.
He actually laughed! At something I said! "I suppose I couldn't let that happen."
I feel my lips twitch and it is hard not to smile. "You suppose?" I snorted at him. "Well. Now I demand to be courted first." I shook my head at him. Suppose indeed. I bet when he and Leliana get into a…well when they are together, I will look back on this moment and tell her what he said.
Leliana is the queen of heiferdom. What? She is a stupid, spoiled cow of a woman and I refuse to apologize for it.
"C-Courted?" I hear his armor shift and the light clinking of the metal. I am certain he is looking at me, but I don't look back. I couldn't bare it if he is looking at Leliana.
"Of course." I feel the lead weight of the thoughts of them together. "Every woman wants to be courted." I sigh. You just won't be courting me.
Life blows.
OoOoOo
Branka is insane! I thought that maybe…just maybe the wench would be dead and then I could just bring back her skull as proof. It would seem that the Maker and I are still in a large disagreement. He must have kept her alive, just for me. You couldn't have just gotten me a kitten or something?
Then I think about Dog waiting for me back in Orzammar; if I ever get back there. Well ok…maybe the Maker isn't terrible after all, but there had better be one fade of a reward to deal with the woman who fed her whole house to the darkspawn.
I have to say, she is determined.
It would seem that the traps Caridin, another paragon, set; are giving Branka a large amount of pause. So who gets to go through the tests for her? Why us! Aren't you just excited? I can tell you are.
Now, I have grown half-way fond of Oghren, so to hear his wife tell him he was worthless made me angry on his behalf. Well one woman's trash is another's uh…berserker. Go back to your stones! I'll keep him then.
On hind sight, it is a great thing I picked up that extra bed roll! I did a little happy dance on the balls of my feet. It really is just shifting my legs from side to side and swinging my hips a little.
Oh more darkspawn…how lovely. I feel them before they come at us. The battle is astoundingly easy. It would seem that while I wasn't looking, Cullen learned to be a berserker. Which, while nice for physical attack, makes it damn hard on a healing mage!
They get stronger the closer they are to death. I think you can see the problem here. Let me just say, they were very strong for a prolonged period of time. Assholes! This had better be one fade of an anvil!
We left the ravages of Branka's old camp and pushed forward down a corridor that lead to a room filled with gas. Now it was the same color as a gas that was burned into my memory forever. I thought for a moment that there was another broodmother lurking about.
Phew! Just poison.
Uh…wait.
Golems are moving around us. AHHH! I stumbled back as one fair knocked me across the room. I really need to learn to duck large stone fists. I can dodge a blade with ease, a giant fist the size of my torso? Problem. I yelped as my back made contact with a hard object.
Suddenly it was much easier to breath where I was. Ah ha! I had been thrown into a lever. Hm. If I move the lever, the gas goes away. Eureka! I started madly dashing around the large stone soldiers and pulling levers. I muttered a healing spell every now and then. Stupid berserkers.
The room poured out into another room with large groves on steps and more golems. This doesn't seem right. Leliana calls out that there is a trap. I froze. My eyes dart wildly around. Where? Oh. Under my foot? You don't say.
Yes I want you to disarm the damn thing!
Lovely, more golems attacking us. I think you have an oppressive aunt called the Circle of Magi because you certainly appear to be made out of the same stone. I am going to help reduce you to pebbles. I toss up as many glyphs as seems prudent.
Then we are in a large room with many anvils. Um… is one of these the fabled Anvil of the Void? What is with the freaky face block? It spits out spirits; that want to fight us? You don't say. This world is freaking crazy! Oh…glowing lights appear when they die. What do you do with an anvil? You strike it of course! So I grab my staff and bang the anvil.
'Pop' goes the faces….
It takes a few go-rounds to destroy the giant spirit-summoning creepy faces. Thank goodness that is over. What is with the giant hall filled with lyrium…oh…I like lyrium. Hey look, an anvil!
….Wow…just wow. And people call mages evil? The dwarves were pulling the spirits of people out of their bodies and forcing them into the golems. Caridin is like a 400 year old golem. What is wrong with dwarves? I want to advocate right now that mages are not nearly as insane as this.
Well… maybe blood mages, but they don't count anyway. They use their own blood, not someone else's.
Branka wants to keep the anvil and start producing golems again.
Caridin wants to destroy the anvil so that no harm ever comes from it again.
Really? All of you look at me? Not one of you ventures forward any sort of advice? Curse you all. Especially you Leliana!
"I side with Caridin." I grab my staff because Branka is mouthing off. Oh I am so looking forward to killing you. Er…sorry Oghren.
What is a control rod? Better question…How did you get one? Best question…If you had one why did you wait until now to use it? Damn wench! That is the most illogical piece of garbage I have ever heard. Where were you when we were fighting our way through the trials? You just 'poofed' in here like Zevran would!
Dear Maker I hope Zevran is staying out of trouble.
The paragon Caridin is fighting beside us and I am like a small child in a room full of sweets. I take parts of the raw lyrium growing in outcroppings around the area. Oh sweet baby Andraste! The power, the energy, and the magic! This is better than ale!
Soon Branka lies dead and I notice that it was Oghren that landed the killing blow. Caridin asks me to help him destroy the anvil. Oghren wants to know if he would make Branka a golem. I see nine things wrong with that and I am not even thinking that hard over it.
No.
Caridin forges a crown for the king of my choice and we shatter the anvil. Hey that was a great job- Oh He just jumped off the cliff. Why do dwarves keep doing that?
I started laughing. The four of us had just survived the Deep Roads! Dear Maker! It was impossible to believe. I am a magical goddess! I squeal with excitement. There is a warm bed awaiting me at Orzammar and a hot meal.
Oghren grunts his approval at ending this whole ordeal and I feel bad for him. Your wife was a nutter. Leliana and I smiled at each other, I still don't like you. Cullen was watching me with amusement clear on his face.
I blush. "So…let's go crown a King!" I waved my staff majestically, or as majestically as one can when one's staff is cracked in half. I took a bad hit from one of the golems. Oghren cracks a joke that I broke my wood.
I threw back my head and laughed.
