DISCLAIMER: All recognizable characters and places are owned by people whose bank accounts hold many more zeroes than mine.
Chapter 12… Facing Up
***
The room smelled musty, like fermented beer that had soaked into the carpet and cushions long ago. The floor seemed to be constructed of empty pizza boxes and beer cans and the door to the barely used kitchen hung at an angle. It resembled the place she vaguely remembered visiting after skinny dipping.
"Why would you bring me here, Hyde hasn't lived here in years, he moved in with the Forman's when I was still with Michael."
That stupid smarmy smirk. Should Angels even be allowed to smirk, sure God was all knowing but weren't angels meant to be all about the kindness and peace loving, not annoying. If they were all like this she might have to break all the bells she could find so they wouldn't get their wings. Maybe she was the devil, even Eric had to be right about something once.
"Haven't you been listening at all? Just having you in their lives has caused ripples. Knowing you made things different. Without you Donna and Eric never got together meaning Donna would never agree to go skinny dipping which means the gang never went to Hyde's place and realized how bad things had gotten. Hyde was too stubborn to let them know and when they did start asking questions he pulled away, no one has spoken to him in years. He's the town recluse, comes out only for beer and cigarettes."
Jackie walked slowly towards the door that was firmly shut as the Angel spoke, each word chipping away at her resolve; she had to see for herself. The door was lodged in the jamb and creaked as she threw her weight into it forcing it open. Sprawled across the makeshift bed of an old springy mattress was someone that resembled Steven Hyde but couldn't possible be Steven Hyde. He wore the same clothes and the same stupid porn star moustache. Her breathing hitched as she recognized the faded black shirt he wore; identical to the one that was wedged under her mattress at home, she could feel it through all the layers of her bed even though she knew she shouldn't be able to. Her fingers itched to poke him, vomit stained the floor near his bed and more beer bottles and cans covered the floor, a thin layer of dust coating it.
"How could WB let him live like this? What about Grooves?"
Her voice sounded small, like it was coming from very far away, of all the things that she had seen this had been the one that made her feel. She kind of hated herself for that.
"He doesn't know, he never fell off the water tower because Eric and Donna never had a wedding. Kitty never looked at the birth certificate; no one even knows that WB exists. As far as Hyde is concerned he is the product of a drunken night between Bud and Edna and he's living the life they always said he would."
Jackie felt the urge to throw up, it bubbled in her throat and made her dizzy, and the room was spinning. She fell to her knees; her eyes squeezed shut, the urge clawing at her, tears squeezed at her eyes.
"Stop, make it stop. Just make it all stop."
When she opened her eyes she was surrounded again by nothingness, the urge to vomit still lingering.
"You're needed Jackie, without you everything goes to hell."
There it was again, that hard anchor of anger that was now permanently attached to her, pulling her back down into its depths.
"What do you expect me to do? Just go back to living my life and pretend like the last few months haven't been the most painful experience I've ever had? Pretend that my friends didn't all abandon me when I needed them most? Act like nothing has changed?"
Her hair whipped around her face as she spun, the anger pouring into her limbs, which flailed as she yelled, any and all pent up frustration finally come to the surface and finding a voice.
"They may need me in their lives but I don't need them in mine and I don't want them, so what if they all care now, they didn't when it mattered most. I don't want their pity and their guilt. I just want to be left alone, I've been fine without them so far, and I obviously don't need them in my life like they need me."
Her voice was icy, intended to freeze the supposed Angel. If he was her guardian Angel shouldn't he be making her feel better? Maybe heaven wasn't as full of angels and unicorns as she thought.
"Jackie you need your friends more than you know."
She watched as he jiggled his fingers, she knew what was coming, but what was left for her to see?
"But I am going to know, you're about to show me aren't you?"
She felt momentary satisfaction at his sour look, the tiniest of victories. He pointed a finger at her.
"Shut up and watch, oh and try to keep your mouth shut while you're at it."
The room was spinning and shifting before she could respond.
***
The waiting room was as lively as a morgue; Fez had gone very quiet, mumbling unintelligible things under his breath while stroking Kelso's hair, the man himself fast asleep on his shoulder. Kitty was snoring loudly her head cocked back, a thin line of drool trailing from her mouth, an empty cup of coffee had fallen from her palm, she had downed the whole cup not aware of the sedatives Red had bribed the Doctor to dose it with. He had only been gone a few months but it seemed like everybody had aged years. Red looked tired, his face sagging and lined, all angled down, his clothes rumpled. He seemed to be taking all of this harder than anyone expected, Jackie was still unconscious and Hyde was in what the Doctor's called catatonia, or as Kelso so helpfully pointed out; a horse's ass sized freak out. He then went on to explain how Hyde's brain must have rotated just like that chick's head in The Exorcist. Normally he would have laughed, possibly made some form of sarcastic comment and/or commanded that the stupid helmet be forced upon his friend's head, but not now, not here.
"Did you want some coffee?"
It took a few minutes for his question to be processed, and another few minutes for Red to drag his eyes from the floor to lock on his own, the haunted look that rest there scared him more than any of the foot up the ass threats he had had bestowed upon him since birth.
"No."
He nodded, his teeth chewing on the inner skin of his mouth, he had been standing for a few minutes before he even realized he wanted to go anywhere. Not really paying attention his feet directed him away from the rest. He wasn't surprised when he found himself sitting in a chair, his elbows resting on the scratchy blanket that covered his almost- brother's legs.
"At least you guys didn't throw me a welcome home party that would have sucked."
His voice sounded weird, like it was disturbing the room, it was so cold, and it demanded silence. Hyde's eyes were closed, his face contorted in some kind of pain, he was not in a restful sleep.
"Why didn't anyone tell me what was really going on? I came back, I came back to make things right, but I can't, only you can do that so you have to wake up Hyde. You have to wake up and sort everything out, because all this Zen crap is killing you. It's a poison; it's killing you and its killing Jackie and everyone else. Zen is like the Death Star; nothing good comes from it."
Hyde's hands bunched the blankets up in his fists, his left hand jerking slightly when he spoke her name.
"He's not the only one that needs to fix things."
His back stiffened slightly at the voice, relaxing minutely when he felt her come to stand behind him.
"Everything's different now Eric, we're not the same people we were."
"Yeah I worked that out when out of all the people that could have spoken to me, it was Laurie who let me know what was really going on around here. Did you know that she used to work with Sam back in Vegas? She was there the night they met, didn't think anything of it until Dad told her about the marriage when she called for his birthday. How could you let him stay with her? I don't understand it, the Donna I know would never let her friend do that, and especially not when it would hurt another friend, even if that friend is the devil!"
His voice held a sarcastic edge that was not unusual, but it was aimed to hurt. She breathed in deeply.
"Things change Eric, people change."
"Not this much, hanging out with a stripper Donna? That's not you, it's like I'm in an alternate reality, maybe Red's going to adopt a communist baby and Fez will give up pleasure time!"
His hands were shaking, she reached out to grab them, fold them into her own but he shied away from her. She felt stricken, sick; she had to get out of here. The chair scrapped noisily across the floor, her foot steps thudding in her haste to leave.
"Don't run away Donna, you should know by now it only makes things worse."
Her hand resting on the door jam she paused, feeling torn. Eric's eyes were closed and he held his breath. Her feet shuffled and he sighed when he heard her feet retreat into the hallway. Reaching over he patted Hyde's hand expelling a large breath.
"About Sam, there's something you should know."
***
Donna had bolted through the waiting room, nothing more than a red blur and a hiccuping sob. Fez had looked at Red whose mouth was set in a firm line before settling his gaze back on the ceiling's yellowed tiles. There were supposed to be five stages of grief; at least according to Jackie's Cosmo, the real bible. He had been through the denial that there was anything wrong, he had gotten angry next came bargaining. He had found himself promising obscene things in exchange for his Goddess to come back to him, he would give up candy. He was not looking forward to the next two stages; depression and acceptance. He knew he would never reach that fifth stage, he would never accept that Jackie could die. She was going to be fine, his Goddess could survive anything.
"No, I don't want humble pie!"
Kelso was shuddering against his shoulder. He slapped his man pretty friend lightly across the face which only seemed to aggravate him more. The smack that his hand made was loud, loud enough to quiet the rest of the waiting room, the nurses turning to stare. Kelso himself was now wide awake, looking around the room quickly; the small light in his eyes extinguished and his shoulders slumped, his fingers playing with the metal lighter from his pocket.
"Aw, hell. Hey Hajji get the fire away from evolution's missing link before he burns the hospital down."
The lighter disappeared into Kelso's pocket; his hand's folding over his lap within seconds. Fez swallowed the lump that was building in his throat, Red's words were almost pitch perfect, but it was forced, there was no satisfied glint in his eyes at catching them doing something stupid.
"We're transferring Jackie back to her room, there's not much we can do until she wakes up. You should all go home and get some rest, there's nothing more you can do here."
Two voices begun protesting at once, overlapping each other, quieting only when Red put his fingers to his mouth and let out an ear piercing whistle.
"You heard the doctor and unless you want to be admitted for foot from ass removal surgery you 'll get your dumb asses home."
The two boys nodded slowly, their lips pulled in to each other tightly. Red closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, his eyes fluttered back open and he turned to glare at the two retreating backs.
"Your own homes!"
The doctor looked down at him quizzically while Red cleared his throat.
"Cut the crap Doc, what do we do now?"
"I honestly don't know Red. The girl needs help, she needs to realise that, and fast."
***
His vision felt fuzzy, kind of like he had hit the circle too many times in a day, only he was completely sober. He could vaguely recall being in his hospital room and seeing Jackie, there was something else pulling at him as well, something important but he couldn't bring himself to care about it. Jackie was permeating his thoughts, he was used to that, most of the time he could pretend that he had pushed her into the deepest recesses of his mind but now, here, trapped in his mind he couldn't escape it. All he could see was her cold eyes, the tremble of her mouth when Sam arrived and the hurt her whole body showed when she first saw them together. It was playing through his mind over and over again, coupled with his guilt and regret. One image flashing over them again and again, Jackie crumpled in the hallway, skinnier than she should be, her heart not beating. Something had happened between seeing her in the hospital room and her collapse in the hallway but he found himself more concerned with Jackie. The questions that had been circling his mind earlier repeating loudly, how had things gotten so bad, and how had nobody noticed? He really was scum; guess Edna was right about something. Her words, he had been humming them for days now seemed permanently seared into his brain.
Knowing all the ins and outs of you
Should have known what was on your mind
Yeah he should have, he used to know every little thing about Jackie, like how she had a favourite spoon that she ate with and no once else could use. And now he knew nothing.
I will fall into the darkness
And I fear I will never see the light.
He was blind, he should have seen it. God he's had her heart playing on repeat for days, her soul begging him to see what was obviously there.
How does one alone against the world
Find the strength to carry on?
Selfish, so busy listening to his insecurities and the whispers of petty people with petty lives he forgot about the truth and what had been right in front of him. I love you. He had heard those words from her every morning and every night. To make up for all the times their parents never said it to them, that's what she had told him but that wasn't it. It was validation, proof that she could love, that she wasn't losing against the battle to still be able to feel, to not be numb like her parents.
All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
How long ago had she written those words? Was it recent? Was it from the first time he shattered her heart, how long had she been fighting to just to breathe?
Oh please tonight
Don't let this end
It couldn't end this way, their story wasn't over, it had barely begun to be written, and this was just the obstacle they faced before the happy ending. This was their dragon, their wicked step mother. Where was her fairy godmother with her magic wand?
Cause I'm starting to fall
God, please don't let her have hit the bottom, there was still too much to be done, she was Jackie Burkhardt, she was too good for hospitals and dying. She was going to live forever; young and beautiful.
Please don't let this be the end, tonight.
***
Hey guys, HAPPY EASTER! Hope you enjoyed this mucho depressing chapter. After seven and a half hours of helping the customers at my work I was in a very grey mood which led to this burst of inspiration. Depression, Anorexia and Bulimia are serious conditions, please don't expect Jackie to wake up and be back to her bubbly bitchy self. She'll be putting in appearances but it's a long road ahead. As always please leave your awesome reviews; I'd prefer them to chocolate bunnies anyday!
