Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams
Location: Incirlik, Turkey
Date: 1/1/2018
P O V: Hannah Rivera
Jaz's body falls limp as Dalton tries to catch her taken by shock I am not I've seen Jaz faint before I saw the signs as clear as day her breathing growing harder, her eyes getting that far away glassed up gaze. It's the same look she use to get before she would cut, she always said the cutting made her feel better, so I never stopped her even though I knew it was wrong I knew it was only hurting her, it was also the only thing that calmed her when she had her panic attacks.
Her eyes roll back as she makes a little gasp I grab her as Dalton tries to regain his balance, wrapping my arms under her armpits, I pull her to the couch as McGuire races over with his bag. Slipping a blood pressure cuff on her arm, oxygen over her mouth. My heart was skipping beats as I pressed a wet cloth to her face provided to me by Amir who sat next to her holding her hand, god she was so pale so sweaty.
Preach paced back and forth as Dalton dropped to his knees his hands on her legs looking at her face. I hear McGuire relying the stats to Patricia who has come over to sit on the couch by Jaz. Her eyes filled with pain regret.
They say love has no fear, no regrets love has no shame it bares no name so why do Patricia and I wear the guilt of past regrets like some people wear bracelets? Why do both of us have eyes filled with fear shame when we look at Jaz? We both love her we've both failed her.
Looking into her closed eyes I can feel myself falling back into that time in our lives when we were both young naive innocent when we both thought love could change us, could change the world. I remember how it made me feel every time I held her in my arms when our skin touched when our lips caressed each other's necks checks...when the fire of passion engulfed me when her kisses cooled me like water kissing my body in a cold shower on a hot summer beach filled day.
I never excepted to fall for Jaz or any girl when I was sent to Bristol's. I thought every girl there was straight bound by some old ass dirty secret code of conduct. One glance at her though into her beautiful eyes I knew I was in trouble, oddly enough though it didn't feel wrong. Inside my head everyone's voices told me it was, my heart though was screaming her name over and over. Some days I was speechless afraid to even speak the words love..Jaz in the same sentence afraid it would crumble down, other days I screamed her name always in the confines of my bathroom with the door closed as I danced around like a lunatic.
Keeping her a secret turned me inside and out it brought me to tears some days when I would hold her while she slept. I kissed her check gently so she wouldn't wake, so I wouldn't scare her. The darkness of the secret was outweighed by the pure light her love brought to my world. I couldn't even start to think about life without her, I wouldn't allow myself to.
It's why I kept the secret for so long because I knew if anyone knew she'd be sent away I was scared to lose her. It made no sense to me if I loved her I would want her to be free, but would being in jail be better? At least at school we had each other love gave me the reason to hide our secrets, was it right? No I see that now with adult eyes but back then I was a child a scared lonely selfish child.
I was drowning in my own needs my heart needed her by my side, I didn't allow myself to see how badly she was hurting, I knew it I just didn't let myself feel it. She made me happy that's what mattered to me. We all have scars right? Battles we fight eternally things were ashamed of, so that was hers. I was there for her, I justified it things would never go to far the cutting would never be too deep because I was there to stop her. Kiss away her tears wipe the blood up kiss her scars.
We were both drowning in our own tears yet our hearts were so connected I guess we both found our own reasons for keeping what was happening a secret. Right or wrong sometimes love hurts, it's not suppose to but when your young every heartbeat is a new lesson, every heartbreak is a new fire to do things different.
I kiss Jaz's check now praying those mistakes those heartbreaks didn't destroy her in ways I could never see back then. Her BP is low 17/55 her temp is elevated 102.2 her blood sugar is low 65, Patricia is issuing orders I can't listen though all I can do is hold her hair back stare at her face which is so pale. I feel Dalton's look he's blaming me they all are, they shouldn't bother though no one blames me more than me.
Jaz never asked for anything in return she endured every blow every insult every threat every rape, she came home to me each night she did whatever I wanted never asking for anything, if I wanted to cuddle she cuddled, if I wanted to kiss or touch she obeyed. It makes me sick now I wonder if she was just so used to being used, that she allowed me to use her as well. I never thought about it back then now I feel dizzy my neck is stiff my heart racing.
McGuire has placed compression stockings on Jaz's legs to improve circulation stop pooling blood. We take turns cooling Jaz off than warming her up anything to get her BP leveled. I remember every night how she came back from that monsters apartment how small she felt how she was covered in bruises bites scratches, I would clean every one while she trembled, than I would kiss every one make her feel loved instead of hurt. Did it work though? In the blink of her eyes, the hint of her beautiful smile I thought I saw a thank you. Was I crazy? In the way she said goodbye before she went over there she was telling me she would endure it because it meant she got to come home to me and the way she said I love you every time we made love after wards.
I swallow so many unanswered questions I'll never forgive myself for being so weak back then, it's why I worked so damn hard at school why I fought to become a Solider not to make my parents proud or to follow in their footsteps. I long ago stopped caring about them or their exceptions. No it's because I knew I failed Jaz, I never wanted to feel that crappy again.
Everyday after I wondered how she was doing, if she thought about me hated me? Loved me? I went for jogs each morning to see the sunrise because the warmth of the sun took away the heavy fog in my soul. I wondered how the world still turned how it still felt so warm when I felt so cold, so weighed down. I wondered why god allowed me to carry on, why he didn't strike me dead, I must be a horrible person to allow Jaz to suffer. To allow my parents to control me.
I never wanted to fail anyone again so I pushed myself harder than anybody in my class, I studied longer, I swore I would become somebody's hero one day.
I never imagined Jaz and I would end up on the same team even if we are worlds apart me in D.C at DIA & Jaz in the field. Yet life has a way of saying Fuck you Hannah and laughing in my face. Now I have to face my regrets.
Lord I don't know if I am ready for this. Breathe Hannah because for once this isn't about you. It's time to put Jaz first. Slowly her eyes crack open she moans a little Dalton is quick to race to her side helping her to sit up. Patricia holds a glass of OJ to her lips making her sip her head rests against his shoulder, I step back knowing my time with her is over. I was her past I screwed it up, Dalton is her future, he's a better person than I am, he won't screw this up.
He helps her to slowly eat a piece of toast with peanut butter and Strawberry jam she use to hate peanut butter she said it was too sticky, when did she start to eat it? He kisses her temple so tenderly I know instantly he's sleeping with her, it goes unnoticed by most of the guys. Patricia sees it I know, she remains silent.
For the next 45 minutes McGuire makes her walk around base slowly but enough to get her vitals even out. We eat lunch move around a little more she sleeps for little intervals. We take turns watching her none of us speaking to each other the air is too heavy with mixed emotions.
When she wakes up again Preach asks the question I know everyone else is thinking but afraid to ask.
"Jaz if this happened years ago why all of a sudden last night did you try to..
"Off myself?" Jaz asks bluntly causing all of us to shuffle our feet as she rises her breathing heavy again not panic attack heavy just weight on her shoulders heavy.
"Yeah Basically girl"
"I got a call last night from Patricia that Sargent Park had taken leave for personal reasons, she had heard rumors from a friend that considered her she urged me to get checked out, so I did she made me promise to call her when I was done"
Patricia looked to her team as she said the next words.
"She never called so I knew she was in trouble, I grabbed Hannah and we flew out here"
"What kind of trouble?" "Jaz talk to us what's wrong?" Adam is scared now as he speaks to her.
She's biting those damn lips again I can see her face twist in agony my heart breaks because I can see her struggling with the words, their just words they shouldn't have such power. Yet their twisting her up, making it hard to breathe. I can see the tears shining in her eyes, shes ashamed she's afraid. Adam has turned her around so she's standing in front of her. He's lifting her chin trying to look into her eyes.
"I'm so sorry Adam"
"Sorry for what Jaz you have nothing to be sorry for"
"Yes I do"
"I got tested yesterday...my test came back positive"
She's shaking as the next sentence comes out of her quivering lips. The words stop us all cold.
"I tested positive …
I'm HIV Positive"
"Adam, Hannah you … you both need to get tested I am so sorry…
I should be worried about myself about Dalton the look of horror on his face as Jaz wrenches herself free bolting. I can't though I heard her words as clear as a bomb going off in front of my face.
"I'm HIV Positive"...their only three letters..they make up one damn word yet that word has the power to change my life even end it. I can't feel anything for myself for the first time in well maybe forever. All I feel is pain for Jaz. she's had to endure so much already and now...Now this….
My fist slams through the wall with such force I don't even feel the bones crack I know there has got to be at least a dozen or so broken bones, I feel none of them...I hear their worried voices above my scream. I can't turn to look at them not before the darkness takes over me.
