Disclaimer: Mass Effect doesn't belong to me, nor do I intend to profit from this work of fiction.


He wasn't ready for this, he thought to himself as he squared his shoulders, ensuring the line of his dress blues fell perfectly. He heaved a shuddering breath as he studied his reflection in the mirror. He hardly recognized the pale, drawn, and gaunt man staring back at him.

He should never have left her, even if it meant that he died with her. He shook his head, there was no room for could-have-beens, or should-have-dones. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and opened the bedroom door to find his father standing there waiting for him.

"No one would think less of you if you didn't go, son," his dad told him. "I know this is hard for you." Kaidan stopped a few steps away, and bit his lips as he looked up at him, his eyes watering with unshed tears. "I would say I know what you are going through, but no one is ever prepared for the loss of someone they love."

Kaidan choked back a sob as his father pulled him into a hard embrace, "I know you didn't have her for long, but the short time you did have her has to be enough, Kaidan."

Father held son as he broke down, finally giving way to the tears he had been holding back from the crew, staying strong for them as their commanding officer. Then, throwing himself into work, despite the fact that Chakwas had recommended he take a leave of absence. It wasn't until now, six weeks later, that he felt able to let a crack show.

"If only Joker had left the cockpit," Kaidan ground out, still unable to let go of his anger at the pilot.

"Hey, what helmsman do you know that would willingly abandon their ship?" his dad waited as those words suck in, before he continued on. "It's what they are trained for, son. To go down with their ship. Your Commander wasn't willing to let that happen, and she very nearly saved everyone."

Kaidan sucked in a deep breath as he realized his dad was right. "She was always ready. Always prepared in case the next fight was the last."

"Sounds like she was a smart woman. I'm sorry I missed the chance to meet her," he murmured softly. "I'd be happy to go with you."

"You would have liked her, Dad. She was always ready to go, had a sense of humor, and didn't hesitate to put me in my place in spite of…"

His dad gave him a sad smile, and cut him off mid sentence, "She sounds like the kind of girl your mom and I always wanted you to bring home."

Kaidan gave a lopsided half-smile, "I would have asked her to marry me eventually. I know that much."

"You still have a life to live, son. She would want that for you."

Kaidan swallowed, "I know, I just need a little more time."

His dad just nodded as they headed out the door. He drove his son to the memorial service, and stood in the back with him, Kaidan being unwilling to get any closer, unwilling to talk to the dignitaries waiting to speak to the highest ranking officer left from the Normandy.

Kaidan blinked in surprise when he found Joker standing next to him after the service was over, and he waited to see what the pilot would say, not trusting his own voice.

"I'm sorry, Alenko," Joker mumbled, and rubbed his hand over his face. "I should have-"

"No, you did what you are trained to do," Kaidan laid a hand on his shoulder, and held his gaze for a long moment. "I don't blame you, Jeff."

Joker heaved a sigh as Kaidan moved past him. If Kaidan didn't blame him, why the hell did he feel so guilty?