1A/N: HERE WE GO AGAIN!
Oh, and by the way. Mark'sMaureen is basically amazing and you should READ HER STORY"That Face" because it is AMAZING and she ROCKS. :) You will do the two of us a favor if you read it, because it's basically amazing. She AND the story are on my faves.
11. The Clothes Hangers Have Eyes
When covering Roger's mouth wouldn't do the job, I pinched his arm until he hissed in pain and squeezed his eyes shut. "Mark, make them go away," he whispered to me, starting to shake. "Make them go away," a little louder this time. "MAKE THEM GO—"
That was it. We couldn't be revealed. Grabbing a shoe, I smacked Roger in the head as hard as I could, and then he slumped against the door, unmoving. For a long time, I held my breath, but then someone was diving in on top of us. I pulled the two of us to the other door of the closet, deep in from the door we actually use.
Collins looked at me in the barely-there light and put a finger to his lips. He sat up against the door, and then screamed, "MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" in a voice that sounded incredibly much so like Roger's. I was about to yell at him, ask him what the fuck he was doing, but then he threw a coat at Roger and I, covering me and most of Roger, who was slumped up against the other door.
Then the loft door slid open, and Maureen was saying, "Pookie! Hey!" and there was a kissing noise.
"Hey, Maureen, just figured I'd stop by... where're Roger and Mark?"
"I don't know, they weren't here when I got here," she lied smoothly.
"Then why was Roger just screaming in the closet...?" Joanne asked suspiciously, coming toward the closet and then flinging the door open. "Oh, hey, Collins... is Roger there in you?"
"Me and Maureen were playing hide and seek," he supplied. "I was doing my Roger impression. Make them go away!" he cried in Roger's voice, and his imitation was uncannily on-point. How long had he been practicing that thing? "It takes skill to sound like a white guy," he chuckled, and stood up and then exited the closet. The door slid shut and then the light was gone, just like that.
I moved myself so I was next to Roger's knocked out form, putting an ear to the door, listening on the conversation. "Who knows where they went?" Collins asked, pouring drinks (it sounded like) for the girls. "When there are two horny, attached, bored men, who knows what they're gonna do when they have free time?"
The girls laughed and Collins did as well. "Yeah, did you know that Mimi broke up with Roger?"
Joanne choked on her drink and I think Maureen spit hers out, both of them asking, "What?!" in disbelieving voices.
"Yeah," and then he retold the story of that fateful night. I listened to it painfully, wincing at times. "
Suddenly, Roger was rousing next to me, and then he sat up a bit, blinking vigorously, obviously very confused as to where he was at the moment. "What—" he began, but I cut him off with my hand, and went to pick up my Loyal Loafer... but instead picked up a stiletto heel (April's old one? Mimi's?) and grinned evilly.
I whacked him off the head with the heel and his head rested once again lightly on the door. Holding my breath, I waited for someone to move, and I heard Joanne utter half a syllable before Collins chimed in with, "That stupid Roger doll in the closet!"
Roger doll? My mind rushed, trying to think of something to do with us before Joanne came over to look for us. "You have a Roger doll in the closet?" she asked, her tone serious and barely even a question.
"It's just a prototype."
Smooth, Collins.
But the girls laughed and seemed to let it go for the most part, though I had a feeling that Joanne didn't exactly believe it all the way. "Hey, babe?" Maureen groaned, looking at Joanne. "It's my time of the month, and I don't feel good... can we go home?" The drama queen she is and always will be, yep, that's Maureen. I almost expected her to be like, "Pwease?" in a little girl voice, but she didn't, and Joanne agreed.
Quietly, I slid the door to the closet open stepped out and pulled Roger with me, and then closed the door. Then, I pressed my body to the closed door and pulled Roger's back along with me, grinning to myself. Between the two large doors of the closet, there's this huge bookshelf that's loaded with books. Therefore, if we were at the right angle against the door, Joanne wouldn't see us.
Joanne slid the other door open, and then once she was done, closed it, and the two of them left.
Once they were gone, I jumped up, growling so loud that Roger woke up and stood up beside me, holding his head and swaying slightly.
"'That stupid Roger doll in the closet?' What were you thinking, Collins? That's the least inconspicuous thing you could've thought of! You could've said you had a talking monkey in your closet, or there's a zebra juggling Play-Doh, or there's a naked Hungarian in your closet, or there's a thousand firefighters in your closet—!"
"That's way too many firefighters," Collins muttered.
"Wait, what?" Roger asked, shaking his head, his eyelids only half open. He was obviously dizzy. "I have a feeling I missed something."
"Jesus, if it wasn't for my fast thinking, Joanne would've found us and—badda bing!—the end!" I shouted, throwing my hands in the air and starting to walk toward Collins.
"Woah, woah, woah," Roger stood in between us, "What fucking memo did I miss? A Roger doll? Huh?"
"I hit you off the head with a loafer, so you didn't see any of it."
"Oh, okay, thanks, that clarifies everything!" Roger shouted, not pleased with the evasive response I gave him. "Someone has a doll of me? What the fuck? Please, I feel so out of the loop, I think my head is bleeding—what the fuck did you hit me with, Mark, a stiletto?"
"He told you, a loafer—" Collins sounded aggravated.
"No, a stiletto too."
"Whatever!"
Suddenly, the loft door was sliding open again, revealing Maureen, taking in deep breaths. "Whew. Pookie left for work all night, and then I had to run here before she drove past here or something," she leaned against the counter, still breathing hard.
None of us said anything. "You could've have just waited until she left?" Collins giggled.
Silence again. Collins left to go get something to eat, leaving Maureen, Roger and I.
"Man, it's tense in here," Maureen commented, studying Roger and I, who were about to bite the other's head off if one of us made a single move. "I know!" she perked up, walking over to us, "Let's just have an orgy right here and now!"
"I've got the Stoli!" Collins called from the kitchen, emitting a loud, long laugh.
"Yeah, just masturbate to the Roger doll and you're all set!"
"WHAT ROGER DOLL?"
"We could name him Gerry!" Maureen decided, going into the closet. "Gerry, like, you know, Ger from Roger and then add the y! Yeah, Gerry the doll!" she picked through the closet, throwing various things over her shoulder. A basketball hit me in the nose (it hurt!) and—what do you know—a clothes hanger went flying through the air and landed right around Roger's neck.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He threw it off of him and began a rampage around the loft before stopping and staring at it, a quivering finger pointing toward it. "OH MY GOOOOOD!"
"Roger!" Collins shouted, standing in front of him. "Roger, Roger, dude—are you ever gonna tell us what's up with that weird fear?"
Sighing, Roger sat down on the couch and I sat with him, trying to wrap an arm around his shoulder but then finally deciding that, yes, it was impossible to do so when we were handcuffed together. "Okay. Fine. So this one night I had a dream," he paused and eyeballed Maureen, making sure she wouldn't say anything, "about clothes hangers.
"And then," he added animatedly, "the next night I was sitting up in bed, and this really scary movie thing show came on... it was called... Closet Bunnies," he shivered very visibly and violently. Next to me, Collins tried to smother his laughter. "And what happened was all these bunnies lived in a closet... and then, the clothes hangers—they had eyes! EYES! THE CLOTHES HANGERS HAVE EYES!"
"Roger! Calm down!"
"Is he gonna be okay?"
"I don't know. Should I call nine-one-one?"
"Hold on, he's stable."
"ROGER!"
"Eyes..." he trailed off, dazed, "and then they came down... and..." his voice was so quiet that we all had to lean in to hear him. "BOOOMCHHHHHHHQUUUAAAAACK!" he shouted, making the three of us nearly jump out of our skin. Boomchquack? I asked myself, but decided to let it slide. "All of the bunnies were... they were dead!" He shook his head, tears coming to his eyes. "Ever since then... the clothes hangers..."
He looked right at the three of us, his eyes almost bloodshot from being opened so wide. "They have eyes."
There was silence for a bit, but then Collins started cracking up, rolling on the ground in almost pain, tears streaming from his eyes. "Holy shit, Roger, you belong on the fucking funny farm! Ahhhh!"
Suddenly, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and Maureen was behind him, picking something up from the ground and then tossing it up and down. An oyster. And then I was laughing too.
But Roger wasn't. "The clothes hangers have eyes..." he muttered darkly, and then he closed his eyes.
A/N: Hahahahahaha. I love tormenting Roger :) Closet Bunnies? Yeah, well, if there's a scary movie thing show out there called Closet Bunnies, then you all should know that I SHOULD own it because it's basically a torment Roger world out there.
I admit to stealing a bit from Dane Cook here... the "a thousand fire fighters" thing and then "that's way too many firefighters" is his work, I don't own it. It's from his CD "Retaliation Pt. 1", if you picked up on that, I love you for liking Dane Cook :) "'Oh my God, Dane, there was this fire down the street, there were like a thousand firefighters out there." "No there were not! That's way too many firefighters! They'd all be bumping into eachother like 'What the fuck are we doing out here? I think there's a thousand of us. If I had to guesstimate, I would say that there is a thousand of us... is anybody on the hoses?"
Oh, yeah, and the monkey thing. That was Dane Cook too. "Monkey?" "I'm in your closet!" "Holy shit, you can talk!" "I know, I taught myself how!" "Oh... okay."
I also wanted to point out the similarities between this story and my real life. I was telling missxflawless that this story really reflects my life. I mean, the oyster thing? Yeah, that happened. I warned a friend that I'd shove an oyster down her throat if she didn't do something, and I threw oysters at my friends and they were just kind of like "...Steph... no."
Which was why I almost didn't want to post this story. I was afraid you guys wouldn't accept my humor. All of this stupid stuff... it comes right from my brain, and the way you guys are responding it, I might actually have a future career as a comedian :)
But I'd rather not. I want to be on Broadway... I actually want to be Maureen on Broadway XD
On a completely different topic. My friend is moving to Mississippi and I was telling her how different it would be there. And she was like "Well, that's the stereotype... the stereotype for MA (where I live) is GAYS.
I thought that was hilarious. I didn't know that! So anyone want to voice your stereotype for your state? Go for it, I'd love to hear them :)
I responded to my friend by saying, "I'm going to email random people in different states and ask them if their refriger-GAY-tor is running."
BY THE BY. I added a picture of meself on my profile under "Steph Section YEAHYEAH YEAH WOOT WOOT" ahhaha. :)
And now I've rambled.
REVIEW!
–Steph.
