CHAPTER 11 : UP ABOVE THE WORLD YOU FLY
The next month saw much work being done on the turret room. It was swept clean and scrubbed of years of neglect. Gaius had sent sweetly scented herbs to scatter over the floor and mattress. Each footstep released a pleasant fragrance. Merlin no longer sported physical scars, the bruises were gone and the fingers healed, he happily washed windows and cleaned walls.
The activity seemed to have helped him. He was now relaxed in the company of the knights who following Arthur's lead had been low key but supportive. He had regained his confidence and was more at ease in public. He would sometimes stiffen when he heard a deep voice which he didn't recognise but Arthur would look at him, smile and if possible reach out and touch him.
Merlin and Arthur's relationship was still tenuous but Arthur no longer worried that he would suddenly vanish as had happened a few times at the beginning. Many times, he would return windblown and red-cheeked to tell Arthur that he should also be out riding more often, so he made it a point of going off riding, on his free afternoons alone his friend.
Merlin would often talk about his recent ordeals. It hurt Arthur hearing Merlin apologise for what happened.
The first time it happened, he looked at Merlin's downcast head and said, "You owe me no apology. I should be apologising for having been unable to stop them." Arthur would listen, sometimes reaching over to put his hand on his knee to show that he understood how hard it was for him. Gaius had advised that he let Merlin do the talking; he told Arthur that he should be a compassionate ear or something like that which Arthur understood to mean, shut up and listen. They roamed near and far but always returned to the castle for the night.
Merlin's memory had returned as Gaius had said it would but it had taken time and there were still a few nights of troubled dreams and no sleep for either of them. Merlin would toss and turn pleading, "Please, Arthur, stop them. Don't let this happen again." Arthur would hold him and when he finally was awake, Merlin would murmur, "I didn't mean it to happen, Arthur, I didn't ask for it." Arthur used to kiss his hands and say, "I know, Merlin, I know..."
Arthur kept his promise and although he was dying to resume their old life which he and Merlin had enjoyed. He let Merlin be the leader. There were a few stolen kisses but they always ended with hugs. Merlin liked to refer to them as the two K's: Kisses and Kuddles.
Arthur and he managed to get a little metal bound chest up the stairs. It was well cleaned inside and then filled with lavender and Arthur had found it relaxing polishing it, much to Merlin's amusement. The table had been reassembled; the chairs reupholstered. Candelabras, curtains and bed covers were ready. Sheets and pillows aired and then wrapped to keep them clean. Arthur had insisted that extra clothes, including dressing gowns were also hung in the antechamber, or Arthur's dressing room as Merlin kept mischievously referring to it. Everything thing they needed was there. Arthur had received from a visiting prince a silver wolf skin, he already had a black one so, they were added as decoration, or rugs if needed.
Gaius had given Merlin a little wooden box full of medical supplies, salves, bandages, and potions. Everything was labeled with easy instructions. He had also added a heavy iron kettle and two mugs. The fireplace already had firedogs with a hook. Merlin teased Arthur that as he had professed an interest in learning to cook, he could start by learning how to make warmed cider and infusions.
Day by day, Arthur could see Merlin reverting to his Problem Child of old, full of laughter and quick repartees. Arthur teased him and he said he'd preferred to be called an idiot than a child but Arthur leant over the seated Merlin and kissed the top of his head saying, "All the problems you have caused in my life, humour me and let me use it, it's a name of endearment."
"Like Prat?" Merlin quipped.
"Yes," said Arthur, "Like Prat but I say Problem Child with love and warm, cozy feelings but sometimes, I have my doubts that that is why you use Prat."
"Arthur, I always think only the best of you when I use it. Well maybe not always...no, to think of it, seldom do I say it with love. I reserve that for my pet name for you."
Arthur raised his eyebrows, Merlin had a pet name for him. "Tell me!"
"No...Arthur, it's for me alone, when you have me safely cuddled in your arms."
"I'll make you." He reached over and put his arms around Merlin's neck and nibbled on his ear. He ran his little finger down Merlin's back and he shuddered. "Do you give up?" He held his finger in front of Merlin's face threatening the repeated torture. Wagging his finger, he again said, "Do you give up? Otherwise, I will withhold all signs of affection, especially kisses and cuddles."
"Arthur, that is mean and cruel, you are bossy and unlovable." He grinned... Arthur pointed the offending finger at him again and he said meekly, trying to latch onto it, "Very well, under duress, I'll tell you" He thought in retrospect that Arthur had certainly shown recently that he was not mean, cruel or bossy! He trusted him implicitly and he was lovable.
Arthur turned him around to face him and said, "Alright, out with it! What is your pet name for me?"
Merlin smiled sweetly into his eyes and said, "Bunny-Killer..." While the look of surprise was still on Arthur's face, Merlin reached up and pulled him down for a kiss. Arthur responded and by the time Merlin pulled back with a far-away look in his eyes, they were breathless.
Arthur held him without commenting or pressuring him, until he had his breath back then whispered in his ear. "Bunny-Killer loves his Problem Child very much." He felt Merlin relax and give him a little smile.
That night, Arthur with Merlin cuddled up to him, replaying the kiss in his mind smiled, as he fell asleep holding his Problem Child... and waiting patiently.
Arthur was always tense when Merlin was in public. When he had flashbacks, he responded best to being held and spoken to quietly and lovingly. No all occasions offered that possibility. He remembered one recent occurrence.
Merlin although he had insisted that he could resume his duties was, Arthur realised, so doing because he didn't want to be alone. Arthur watched his friend fight his recent memories, sometimes catching the horror and repulsion on his face as his mind reverted to that last visit to the cave.
Arthur had tried to seek information about the two men but nothing had surfaced about two bodies being found and as he didn't want his enquiries to become common knowledge, he let it go.
Merlin's flashbacks could happen at any moment and, the worse thing for Arthur was to realise it was happening and he was unable to get close enough to him to whisper his support or let him know that he was physically at hand.
One episode had happened as he had been in attendance on Arthur in the Council Chambers. Suddenly, Arthur had noticed that Merlin was no longer on the stool behind his chair but wandering around the room with a frightened look, searching for a safe place to hide.
Uther was distracted by Merlin's passing in front of him, he cleared his throat and Merlin ignored him. "Arthur, can't you at least keep control of one servant."
Arthur glanced up and his heart sank. The king had noticed and Merlin was so far in the past that he was not conscious of the on-going conversation. He thought fast and decided there was only one way out.
"Sire, he has not been sleeping and gets a little distracted." He walked across the room and into the king's line of vision blocking Merlin's erratic progress across the room. He put his hand between his shoulder blades and gently turned him to face him. Merlin obediently turned but made no eye contact. Arthur said loudly for the king to hear, "Merlin, wake up. You're sleepwalking!"
Merlin heard Arthur's voice and he made eye contact followed almost simultaneously by flashes of recognition, guilt and a pleading for acceptance.
Arthur smiled, "Merlin, it's me, you're safely home." He had two choices send Merlin alone to his chambers or keep him with him in the meeting until it was finshed. He knew by now that lunch was approaching then he would be able to have a heart to heart with him.
He put his hand on his back although his heart was telling him to hug him. He steered him behind the table to his own chair and laughingly said, "As you seem incapable of staying on the stool, stand beside me where I can see you!" He placed him between himself and Uther.
Uther glared at the two of them but Sir Rupert stepped into the breach saying, "Sire, if we respond in said vein, will it not further the animosity?"
Arthur though, 'Good for you, Rupert, taking Uther's mind off Merlin."
Glancing away from Merlin and Arthur, Uther held firm, "If we need to use force and animosity is the result, so be it!"
While Uther responded to Rupert, he was able to take Merlin's hand and give it a little squeeze which was returned and Arthur glanced up into his face smiling and winked at him.
The situation improved but it seemed these regressions were not as yet a thing of the past. Merlin mentioned them to Gaius who told him that as time passed there would be no subconscious flashbacks, they would finally recede into stored memories that could only be retrieved by a conscious act. "Merlin, I promise...You'll get there one day."
Merlin had been busy , he'd been up early to get breakfast and dress Arthur as they had visitors arriving, the new Earl and Countess of Wilmslow. Later in the afternoon, Gaius was going to make his first visit to their secret chambers. Merlin had picked up some sweetmeats and a small amount of mead. Their first and only-ever-to-be visitor needed a special welcome.
Arthur escorted him and like the future king of the castle, he proudly showed Gaius their hideaway. He was suitably impressed with the furnishings and the size of their chambers. Arthur then had to leave as he had a meeting with his father's guests
Gaius sat with Merlin in the courtyard soaking up the autumn sun. He looked at Merlin and smiled, reflecting on the day, when Arthur had opened the door saying, 'Gaius, Merlin needs you!' and he had opened his arms to the shell of the man he had seen two days previous. He was sure that the tenuous love between Arthur and him, had speeded his recovery. Arthur needed to be congratulated for his self discipline and tenacity.
"Merlin, Arthur has been a very good friend over the past weeks, have your feelings for him changed at all? Are you maybe ready to show him that you still love him?"
Merlin blushed and said, "Gaius, you know that I love him and he knows that I love him. I am more comfortable with him than anyone else in the world. One day, the alarm bells are going to ring in the middle of the night and while everyone dashes around to find an invisible intruder, you will know that we are again one, not only mind and spirit but also body."
Gaius looked at this young man, a powerful sorcerer and dragonlord, thanking his lucky stars that his friend Hunith had entrusted him to an old Court Physician in Camelot who had come to consider him as his son.
Merlin escorted Gaius down the stairs. They halted at the bottom while Merlin unlocked the main door and opened it, the hall curtain across the alcove moved slightly. Merlin turned back to lock the door and with a grin of satisfaction said, "Arthur and I will have to be careful but we are determined to have time together beyond the castle and at the moment this is the best we can do. The corridor is a dead end so it is only people crossing in the main corridor that might be trouble."
Merlin and Gaius stood in the little alcove, waiting, listening for footsteps, Merlin pulled the curtain back saw that it was all clear and Gaius and he were in the corridor.
After helping Arthur dress for supper, the two of them made their way to the dining hall, where Uther was entertaining the guests. Arthur had to remind Merlin twice that he needed more wine and he was surprised to feel Merlin's fingers purposely rub against his thigh. He glanced up at him but he was looking elsewhere. The meal dragged on and finally Uther rose and the guests and the king's advisors retired to their rooms.
Arthur and Merlin made their way to their room and as Merlin barred the door, Arthur smiled at him shyly and said, "Feeling frisky tonight, were we?"
Merlin shrugged and walked across the room, waiting to help Arthur undress. Handing him his dressing gown, he went to put away his clothes. He put more logs on the fire, got two goblets of wine and slipped off his boots to sit beside Arthur on the bench in front of the fire. "Arthur, could you lend me some money?" Arthur looked at him. "I want to ask Carpenter Giles to build another bench for the turret? I would pay you back out of my wages, that is when you remember to pay me."
Arthur spluttered, sending wine all over the place, using his sleeve to wipe off his chin, he said, "No, sorry Merlin, I can't lend you any money as you have no wherewithal to repay me."
"We could barter."
Arthur raised his head and looked at him. "...what have you got that is worth an upholstered bench?"
"Me..?"
Arthur looked at him shocked, and said from his heart. "Merlin, I would never allow you to you trade yourself for a crumby bench and I would kill anyone who suggested such a thing, including you... You are too precious to me, to be considered a commodity." He laughed saying, "So no bartering, you'll have to think of something else."
"Arthur, you must be a millionaire and all I want is a crumby half gold piece...I've got it! I know what I'll do. It's all settled. That's one thing off my mind."
"So, don't I at least, get to hear what your solution is?"
Merlin shrugged and glanced across at Arthur, "Maybe Gawaine will lend it to me then..."
Merlin knew that he was going to have to pay for that remark but looked up from below his fringe and blinked his eyes. Arthur's heart leapt. His Merlin was coming back. He carefully pushed back the dark hair and kissed his eyes. He ran his finger down Merlin's nose and ran it back and forwards across his lower lip. Merlin was completely relaxed and lifted his head to look into Arthur's eyes. He smiled and Arthur's heart did cartwheels.
The man whom he had treated with kid gloves for so long, was responding to him.
Merlin gently kissed Arthur and sitting on that bench in front of a roaring fire, he realised that he was ready to love Arthur again. They sat there like a couple of teenagers necking. Arthur was very respectful, and followed Merlin's lead. If the truth was to be known, Arthur was probably more nervous than Merlin.
Arthur was holding Merlin's hand rubbing his thumb over the noticeable mends in his fingers. Merlin suddenly was conscious of what he was doing, pulled his hand away, stood up saying that he was going to turn in.
As Arthur followed him to the bed, he realised what he had done. Merlin would have those scars for life but Arthur didn't intend to limit the number of fingers which he was allowed to hold. He decided to apologise. As was always the problem with Arthur, his apologies seemed so forced. So he just reached for Merlin's hand and said, "Sorry, Love, my fault!" and kissed each of the offending fingers.
Merlin snuggled into him saying. "One day, soon it will be more that only 'kisses and kuddles', I promise."
Two days later, Arthur had the afternoon off as Uther and the Earl were having private discussions. Merlin was no where to be found but on the bed Arthur found Gaius's compendium, lying across the cover were two yellow primroses. He remembered, 'I can't live without you', and smiled. He put the compendium back in his drawer and carried the two primroses to the turret room...
The sun was in the west when Merlin finally roused Arthur. He turned and smiled up at him and Merlin couldn't resist one more kiss before reminding him that if he moved now, he had time to bathe and dress before he was due to attend the farewell dinner for the new Earl and Countess.
They stopped for a hug before they left the chamber and descended the stairs, Arthur glancing out of the arrow loops, thinking how wonderful life was now that Merlin was his again.
Merlin was deep in thought. Arthur had proved that he loved him, as he had respected his wishes and waited for him to decide. Merlin smiled as he noticed over the trees, on an updraft, a merlin lazily surveying its territory.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Merlin turned waiting for Arthur. He pivoted, pinning him against the wall with full body contact. "There I something about you, Arthur Pendragon, Crown Prince of Camelot, that puzzles me."
"Sometimes, I even puzzle myself." Arthur said and leaned in for a kiss.
While Arthur bathed, Merlin laid out his formal evening wear, actually styled on the clothes he had received in Wilmslow. He also checked his own clothes for something special. He wanted everyone to see that he was a member of the royal household and appropriately dressed to serve the crown prince. He held up a pair of doeskin buff pants, a burgundy jacket and a beige tunic with a fitted neck.
"Arthur, stop watching me..."
"Why?"
"Because I can't concentrate on what I'm doing. You're interrupting me..."
"I didn't say anything..."
"No, but you looked it!"
"And, Merlin, what exactly does 'you looked it' mean?"
"I don't know, Arthur, when you stare and think things... you get in the way and I..."
"But Merlin I'm here and you're over there."
"I know but it's just not funny..."
"Yes, it is, because it's nothing, funny or otherwise."
"It is, Arthur.
"Well, what is it then?"
"I don't know but I feel it when you are doing it and it's weird."
"Merlin, you're eye-candy!"
"What's that?"
"It's you, something about you that turns me on, not counting some of the knights, especially Gawaine, half of the Ladies of the Court and most of the castle maids."
"Don't be silly Arthur, no one notices me except Uther, when I make mistakes."
"I beg to differ. I remember taking quick peaks at you before you worked for me. I was scared you would notice, blush and bolt; I wanted to make you stand still, so I could feast my eyes. When you first worked for me, it was not unlike a wish granted; I could watch you to my heart's content. Now, I get to watch you the whole time, from when I wake up until I fall asleep, still watching you. Merlin, I could sit here all evening just watching you..."
"You couldn't, I know you. You'd get bored and then...you'd want ..."
"You can't tell me what bores me, I'm the Crown Prince."
"Well then, Prince Crown-ness, get out of the bath, and let me get you dressed for dinner.
Arthur got up and came to Merlin and whispered to him. "Merlin, don't you sometimes just sit and watch me?"
"Never, Arthur."
"Liar!"
Merlin grinned blushing...
Arthur was finally dressed. Then, there had been a slight delay with Merlin's dressing, as Arthur decided he wanted to help; that wouldn't happen again unless they had a couple of hours to spare.
They made their way to the dining hall. Arthur turned to check the corridor and putting his hand on Merlin's shoulders, let it slip to his waist, Merlin turned smiling and Arthur putting his hand on his backside, said, "Merlin, those trousers will be the death of me."
Merlin slipped away from him and said, "Think of no one else, Love!" which set Arthur's heart racing.
Gaius raised his eyebrow as they walked in. Arthur was laughing at something Merlin had said and body language told it all. Merlin stood behind his chair for all to see, the ever faithful manservant. During the meal, he leaned over Arthur to ask him, under the general hubbub of conversation, if there was anything he wanted, "Not that would be appropriate at the moment, Merlin, thank you." And then as he pulled away, Arthur said, "Ask me again tonight..."
When the speeches were being made, Merlin made his way to sit beside Gaius. He smiled at Merlin saying, "You look most handsome tonight! ...and did I not hear the alarm bells ringing this afternoon?"
Merlin turning blushed, his face broke into his famous grin, "Maybe, Gaius, maybe!"
