Part Ten – Reality

In the morning, the cause of last night's unease was revealed as the murder of an old Berkshire couple by Death Eaters. The man was a Daily Prophet columnist who had been particularly outspoken in his pro-Muggle, anti-Voldemort opinions, being a well-known Muggle-born himself. He and his wife had paid for it. They got only small mentions on the front page and in the obituaries.

The students of Hogwarts carried on as well as they could. Whispers of "that's twenty-four," and "who will be next?" permeated the halls, wreaking havoc among the fifth and seventh years in particular, especially those with Muggle parentage. Words like "mudblood" were circulating, also. It was safer to travel in groups these days if you wanted to avoid fanatic purebloods.

The Gryffindor/Slytherin rivalry escalated into all-out war that day in the Great Hall. Lucius made the mistake (or perhaps he had done it on purpose) of insulting Lily's family in James' hearing. James immediately took offense on her behalf and demanded an apology. Naturally Lucius denied that he had done anything wrong. A crowd of supporters began to gather on both sides.

Lily insisted that it wasn't worth the fight, but James ignored her and shoved Lucius into near-by Severus. Evan Rosier shoved James back. Sirius went after him. Lucius stood away and Severus took the opportunity to curse James prior to removing himself from the room, initiating all-around magic dueling before anyone could intervene. The Slytherins had the upper hand as far as spell repertoire went. The Gryffindors were superior in numbers, having popularity in other houses on their side. Spells and food flew wantonly through the air, making the whole scene look like a Jackson Pollock painting. By the time the teachers got it under control, there was hardly a student in the hall who didn't have spots or jelly-legs or the like. Most had been hit with comestible projectiles, and a few were seriously hurt. Lucius was suspiciously unscathed and infuriatingly smug about it.

The whole school received a lecture from Professor Dumbledore and orders to help return people to normal and manually clean the Great Hall. Slytherin and Gryffindor each lost two hundred house points; Ravenclaw suffered for fifty. (Jenni regarded herself and her house as damage control, restricting themselves to body-binding to prevent people from casting serious hexes, and resented the points.) Hufflepuff actually gained seventy points for staying out of the fighting for the most part and yet being most willing to pitch in afterwards, putting them in the lead for the House Cup. Ame Robinson personally earned twenty of them, making her a minor celebrity among friends and allies. Silvanus Trovillion kissed her hand afters she cured him of the Furnunculus curse. She blushed all the rest of that day and most of the next one.

If anyone thought mass punishment would put a stop to the hostilities, they were mistaken. Most of the ringleaders felt they owed revenge upon the other side for one thing or another and the groupies and cronies were quite willing to help out. Skirmishes broke out in the halls periodically for the next couple of days, despite the efforts of prefects (sans Remus, who carefully kept out of it) and teachers alike.

Severus was responsible for more than his fair share of mayhem. Though the fire in him had subsided after talking to Morganna, the embers were hot enough that the slightest provocation caused them to flare up. Lucius encouraged him to take vengeance, reassuring him that he was perfectly justified and that anyone who said otherwise was stupid or weak. This was why they were friends, of course. They allowed each other to feed his dark side, even with little or know knowledge of what cause the other had to hunger. Severus chose to ignore the fact that he was also fighting Lucius' battles for him while Lucius kept his hands clean.

Lily saw it, though. She caught him in the act of tormenting a Gryffindor first year while Lucius hovered in the shadows. It didn't take her long to put two and two together. Before she remembered she wasn't speaking to Severus, she confronted him.

"Severus Snape!"

Severus froze, then straightened and faced the prefect. The first year scampered away without hesitation. Lucius vanished.

"I swear, you are the absolute end! Don't you see what you're doing? How can you be as smart as you are and not see?"

Severus was impassive. "Are you going to report me, Evans? If so, you'd better do it."

"I don't want you. I'd much rather have your friend Malfoy, but how can I catch him if you do all his dirty work? That's what you're doing. This isn't your fight and we both know it."

She stood before him, arms akimbo, eyes alight with indignant fire. This wasn't the laughing Lily who threatened his hair with pigtails and scissors when he did something to irk her. This was a grown-up Lily. Strong Lily. Courageous Lily. Lily the mudblood.

"I don't need a lecture from you, Evans. If you're reporting me, hurry up and do it so we can get back to our lives."

"You're not listening! Oh, but when did you ever listen to anyone except yourself? I was forgetting what a conceited, self-serving prick you are. Maybe I will report you. I'd be within my rights."

All true, of course; but Severus retaliated with some truths of his own.

"Oh, that's right. You're a prefect." His lip curled around the word. "I suppose that gives you the right to threaten and insult me, even if you are nothing but a mudblood with delusions of grandeur. But let me tell you something." His voice dropped as he leaned over her. "The only reason you care at all is because you're guilty. You and your kind are in the middle of this stupid war, so on some level it's your fault."

Lily staggered back. Her eyes were wide, but her mouth pressed into a short, firm line. Before Severus realized his danger, she hauled off and slapped him.

"Maybe that will knock some sense into you," she said. Without another word she turned and walked away.

"Where are you going?" Severus demanded, his hand pressed to his stinging cheek.

"I'm going for a goddamned swim!"

Which was exactly what she did. Severus hadn't taken her seriously when she said it—he couldn't believe she had hit him, either—but soon people were rushing through the halls to get down to the lake. Severus snagged a small Hufflepuff by the neck of his robes.

"What in God's name is going on now?"

The student quailed as he answered. "Somebody's in the lake! Swimming! Let me go!"

Severus swore under his breath and did so, then made his own way to the castle grounds. There was quite a crowd gathered to see the spectacle, but at a safe distance. It was as if they feared such madness was catching, and perhaps it was. There was more than one person in the water. The ringleader was obviously Lily Evans, but she had been joined by several other students. Most of them were in Gryffindor by the robes they wore with two or three from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. They were protesting.

"One, two, three, four, we won't come out 'till you stop this war!" they chanted.

Lily must be turning blue by now, Severus thought. Why weren't the teachers putting a stop to this? He looked around and saw Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey and a few others standing behind the students and watching with strange looks on their faces, at once grim and hopeful. Severus would have understood if he'd stopped to think about it, but he chalked it up as one more score against the competence of the faculty and pushed through to the front of the crowd.

There was one cluster of people between the student mass and the water. Severus was surprised to realize that he knew every face in it. Morganna, Lupin, Potter, and the Robinson twins, Jenni and Ame. As Severus walked toward them he could make out Potter's voice begging Lily to "stop acting insane and come out!" He drew up just behind Morganna and Jenni and looked between them.

"How long?"

"How long, what?" Morganna replied distractedly.

Jenni glanced over her shoulder at him and smiled crookedly, seeming to have a double-take at the group. Ame shied away. Lupin regarded him dourly and Potter either didn't notice him or chose to ignore him.

"How long since this damn fool campaign started?" Severus elaborated.

"I don't know," said Morganna. "We can't get them to come out. It's going to be dark soon, too!" She sounded half worried and half annoyed.

"If the squid hasn't gotten them yet, it probably won't," Jenni offered.

"Bugger the squid. Evans!" Severus bellowed over the chanting and Potter's whine.

"We won't come out 'till you stop this war!" Lily proclaimed, her eyes locked on Severus'.

The cold rage flared. If it hadn't been for Black and Potter, none of this would ever have happened, but now he was being punished for it again.

"Acting like this doesn't make it my fault," he told Lily. "What does it prove if you catch pneumonia or something, huh? What good does it do?"

Lily paused in her chant to launch a response this time. "Are you feeling guilty now, Severus? Well, you should! You're just as bad, James, so you can save your breath for peaceful negotiations if you want me out anytime soon!"

Was that a double entendre? Faugh!

"Come on, Lily!" James cried, missing the hidden meaning. "It's not like I... I mean... come on!"

"Oh, brilliant argument," Severus sneered.

"Like to see you do better, Skivs," James snapped back.

"It's not my problem if you thick-headed Gryffindors don't listen. I'm leaving. I've had enough of this damn circus. Don't drown, Evans! The last thing this place needs is a fucking martyr." The last dissolved into a mumble as Severus turned away. He didn't particularly feel like going to detention over something as stupid as swearing. He felt eyes on his back as he went, but he payed no heed. Nobody could tell him he hadn't tried talking to Lily and no one could accuse him of fraternizing with the enemy, either. His conscience was clear, damnit.

Jenni watched Severus go, intrigued. He was like a black whirlwind, now on the scene, now off. She wondered if he felt the same way inside.

After a while, Madam Pomfrey pushed her way down to the lake and demanded that Lily and the others come up to the hospital wing for warm blankets and doses of Pepper-up Potion.

"Never in all my years have I seen such foolishness on these grounds!" she complained as she ushered her flock of charges away.

Jenni doubted if that was any more true than it was a heartfelt rant. She, Ame, and Morganna trudged along behind them until they were shut out at the infirmary doors. Ame was surprised that she hadn't been admitted, but she leaned against the wall with Morganna and Jenni just the same.

"Well," Jenni said, hoping someone else would pick up the line of dialog. When no one did, she went on. "That was mildly insane."

Morganna nodded mutely.

"Do you think it'll work?" Ame wondered.

"No," Jenni and Morganna answered at the same time. They glanced at one another and snickered nervously.

"It could," Ame argued quietly.

"No," Jenni repeated. "This'll go on for a while and burn itself out slowly. People will forget what it was about and give up. This protesting thing is just fuel on someone's fire." In principle it was a good idea and part of her had wanted to join Lily in the water, but in practice it amounted to so many wet robes in the laundry. Jenni thought it was a waste of energy even as she admired Lily for her nerve.

There was a silence as Ame and Morganna digested Jenni's take on the in-school war. They were all thinking the same thing: too bad the real war won't work like that. They shared the thought with the whole school.

"I'm going to go to bed," Morganna said at last. She had meant to wait for Lily, but it didn't look like the protesters were going to be let out of the hospital wing any time soon. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Jenni and Ame replied.


The sun set and rose again with everyone in his or her own bed. The morning was business as usual. It seemed as though Lily's protest had some effect after all. Still, Jenni had a feeling this was just the eye of the storm. Problems would start again in the afternoon.

Later she wished she had never thought it.

It happened that just as James was preparing to make the next Slytherin pay for driving Lily to stand for hours in the ice-cold lake, someone screamed in Ravenclaw Loft. Jane Nash came running as though Voldemort himself had entered the castle, upsetting James' trick as she blew into the Great Hall.

"Professor Flitwick!" she cried in a breathless sob.

Every head in the Hall turned.

"Professor Flitwick, Professor Dumbledore. Please come quick!" The rest of what she had to say was lost in low volume and the chatter that arose among the students.

At the Ravenclaw table, Jenni turned to Silvanus Trovillion, who shook his head helplessly. What was going on? What had happened? Every second person was asking these questions. The rest were watching the faces of the teachers pale from grave to stricken.

Abruptly, Dumbledore stood up and everyone hushed.

"Everyone will please remain calm. There is no need for alarm. There has been an accident. You will all stay here while we go to investigate it. I repeat, please remain calm."

Dumbledore and Flitwick, tailed by Madam Pomfrey, followed Jane Nash back to the Loft. What they found there, the school later learned, was Sylvia Blackridge. She was dead.

No one ever learned the details, either because they were too grisly or because even the teachers didn't completely understand what had happened. All the students knew for certain was that Sylvia killed herself. The best guess, contributed by Silvanus and Jenni, was that Sylvia's parents were Muggles who didn't support witchery beyond getting their daughter off their hands for nine months out of the year. Between that, Voldemort's campaign against Muggle-borns, O.W.L.'s and the hostilities at school, Sylvia's mind snapped.

The house fighting stopped dead in its tracks. Class was canceled for the rest of the week in exchange for two general assemblies and a series of year meetings. The fifth year Ravenclaws met at 4:00 in the afternoon on Friday. There was a long talk about self-esteem, and at the end everyone was asked to fill out a printed sheet of parchment. Jenni's looked like this:

Name: Jennifer Robinson

House: Ravenclaw

Fill out questions as honestly as you can. Attempt to fill all questions in. Hand this in to your Head of House.

Open Questions (extended response)

I feel happy when: I know what I'm doing.

I feel sad when: People are ignorant.

I get angry when: I mess up and people get hurt.

More than anything I wish: I could have stopped her.

I am afraid that: I can't (answer this question).

I look forward to: Getting out of this meeting.

I hope I never: Let my friends down again.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be: ...

One problem I have: Taking things too seriously/not seriously enough.

One strength I have: Seeing people.

Right now I feel: Blind.

Closed Questions (yes or no)

Are you easily hurt by criticism: No

Are you very shy or overly aggressive: No

Do you try to hide your feelings: N Yes

Do you fear close relationships: No

Do you try to blame others for your mistakes: NO

Are you glad when others fall: No

Any comments you would like to add: This is dumb. You can't tell what's in someone's head based on words on a sheet. Even if they're honest.

She handed it in and went to sit on her bed, staring at the empty one Sylvia used to occupy. She didn't just feel blind. She felt sick and stupid and alone. Ame would be going to the Hufflepuff meeting now. There was no one around she felt like talking to. She was the only one not avoiding the dorm. The only one with the guts to remember Sylvia and wonder when she had given up. The only one who should have seen ahead of time but had not.

She didn't know when she had fallen asleep, but her pillow was bone-dry when she woke. It worried her. Any decent person ought to have cried herself to sleep.

She saw Morganna, Severus, and Lily again on Sunday evening, after the second and final school assembly was over. This was the last free time before class resumed on Monday, so there were many groups gathered to commiserate. Theirs was in the library, by the windows at the back. Ame was there, also. None of them could have said what force had drawn them all to this one place, and no one mentioned it. They looked at each other and understood.

"I'm glad you made up," Jenni said at last to Lily and Severus.

Severus just grunted and Lily shrugged.

"It was a stupid fight, anyway," she said. "Totally beneath us. We've talked."

"It's silly to let other people's beliefs mess with a good friendship," Morganna agreed. "You are all my friends. Nothing will ever change that."

Severus was the only one who didn't smile.

"Come on, Sevvy," Morganna said. "I'm going to decide you need a hug if you don't cheer up soon."

Severus looked mildly alarmed. "Don't call me that."

It was such a normal exchange that everyone sans Severus broke down in giggles, Ame following the others' lead. Lily started to cry.

"What a horrible, horrible couple of weeks it's been," she said through sniffling laughter. "Look at me!"

"You're a mess," Severus observed helpfully. The corner of his mouth twitched.

Morganna gave Lily a hug and they laughed and wept into each other's shoulder. Tears rolled silently down Ame's cheeks as she watched. Severus and Jenni exchanged dry, "well, what are we supposed to do anyway?" looks. It was strange to have that in common, Jenni thought. Strange, but good, too.

There was a silence, save for the occasional giggle or sniff.

"So. Back to class tomorrow," Ame said, speaking up for the first time.

"I'm looking forward to it." Lily was firm. "I know people needed some down time, but too much is just as bad as not enough."

Jenni nodded. "That's true."

"We still have O.W.L.'s coming up," Ame seemed to finish her thought, even though Jenni had hardly worried about the exams at all. Still, Ame got a supporting nod from Morganna.

"They're not so bad," Lily said reassuringly. "If you're doing well in your classes you shouldn't have a problem raking in ten or more."

Severus huffed. "I got thirteen and I had to work my arse off for them."

"He's lying. He would have gotten twenty if he'd spent less time goofing off," Lily informed the others. They grinned nervously.

"I would have studied more if you hadn't distracted me all the time," Severus replied. "It'll be partly your fault if I fail the N.E.W.T.'s next year, too."

"Stop trying to pin your work-o-phobia on me."

"I thought we were saving him from being a work-a-holic," Morganna put in.

"Oh, yes." Lily grinned now.

Severus rolled his eyes. He was clearly not at all amused by the banter at his expense.

"Come on, Severus!" Lily playfully shoved his arm. "Where is your sense of humor?"

"Gee, I don't know," Severus snapped. "Maybe I left it outside. Maybe I'll go find it." He whirled away from them. A few minutes later he was visible as a mobile shadow in the courtyard below the library windows.

"I guess he's still upset over that," Lily said quietly to Morganna. "I'd almost forgotten about it in the light of the house war."

As Morganna nodded, Jenni moved closer to the window and peered down.

"I think I'll go after him," she said. "If... no one minds, that is." She looked at Morganna, on whose toes she was most likely to be stepping.

Morganna waved her concern away lightly. "No, go ahead. I'll see you later, Jenni." She smiled like the bloom of summer.

Jenni smiled back. She didn't feel it, but she couldn't help it. "Okay. I just feel like I want some air, you know? See you." She waved to the three and walked after Severus.

It was strange how suddenly she had felt like an outsider with Morganna and Lily, and even Ame, who couldn't have known what they were talking about any more than Jenni did. She just had to leave, and it seemed like Severus had the best destination in mind. No one else would be in the courtyard this close to curfew.

She saw him before he was aware of her, as she slid around a corner of stone. He stood like a tall black statue, staring off into some distant netherworld. It was a moment before Jenni found the heart to disturb him.

"Severus?"

He turned and there was a small flash as his eyes pierced the darkness to find her. Still, she got the impression he didn't quite see her and only knew her by the sound of her voice.

"Jenni?"

She felt a flush. He had used her short name, like a friend.

"Yeah. You don't mind if I...?" She had meant to say, "You don't mind if I'm here, do you?" but that changed mid-sentence as she detached herself from the wall and stepped toward him.

"No," he said after a pause. "It's fine."

She came to stand five feet to his right and followed the tilt of his chin to the waning crescent moon riding over the castle walls. She couldn't fathom his true thoughts then, so she took a shot in the dark.

"So. Those meetings were a real waste of time, huh? Those worksheets."

Severus agreed. "As if they actually cared. I didn't turn mine in."

"What did you do with it?" Jenni half-chuckled, looking at him.

"I don't remember." He shrugged, looking down and around to Jenni. He didn't say anything, just studied her.

Her thoughts brewed uncomfortably in her head. She kept imagining what Severus would say and how she would try to respond—never well enough. Eventually she couldn't take it and looked away.

"So... what exactly happened between you and Lily?" she asked.

"Oh. She didn't tell you?"

"No. She might have used the words 'stupid git.'"

"Hm. Lily thinks she knows what's best for everyone."

"You don't agree?"

"She doesn't know me as well as she thinks."

"I see." A pause. "Does anyone know you?"

He responded with silence.

"I knew her," Jenni confessed softly to the night.

"Hm?"

She had no concept of why she was doing this, but she understood it was what she had come here to do. She went on.

"The girl. Sylvia. I knew her. I met her on the train my first year and she was in my dorm. We were friends for a while, but we grew apart. I never thought she was that upset, or I would have said something." She became aware that her voice was fragmenting every other word. Something crawled down her cheek. She reached up to brush it away and was startled when her hand came away wet. She laughed quietly as her cheeks heated with embarrassment. "Now I cry. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to."

"Well, don't," Severus' cool voice sidled through the night air. "It isn't as though it matters. If someone wants to die, they'll find a way."

"I know," she said. "I can't help thinking 'could'a, would'a, should'a,' though."

Severus shrugged as if resettling his shoulders to free himself of some irritant. "That won't change anything."

The pause that followed that statement dragged on for a full minute. Jenni sniffed sullenly and turned slightly away, sparing Severus any sight of her face. Though she couldn't see him now, she could sense him as he shifted uncomfortably, rocking onto the ball of one foot and back again, then turning to look steadily at the back of her neck. Presently, he spoke again.

"Are you still crying?"

"Yes."

"Hm."

There was a moment of suspended time, and Jenni felt a warm presence on her left and an arm around her shoulders. She stiffened momentarily and so did the presence. Then she sighed in profound relief and leaned into Severus' side. How could anyone ever think him cold when he was so warm? His fingers closed firmly around her deltoid muscle and she felt secure in his grip. She had never had a big brother, but this was what it must be like.

A small horror struck her.

"I'm going to get your robes wet."

She felt the rumble in his chest as he replied:

"So stop crying."

She laughed with her mouth closed.

"Severus?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

I never quite recovered from Sylvia's death. Part of me remained convinced there was something I could have done. As for Severus, he understood that, and I think he was flattered to have someone confide in him, whatever he said about it.