Escape From Fanservice Island

Chapter 10: Famine and Pestilence

Beginning AN:

We're almost there! With the Lightning Cultist dead, this is pretty much the start of the 'final arc' so to speak.

I also wonder if anyone would look at the chapter names from the drop-down menu, see the bleak titles of this and Chapter 11 (well, when it's out, anyway), and start picturing some weird ideas about this story going dark. And then be confused of the titles of Chapters 12 and 13. Well, I will say right now that this fic probably won't get that dark. In fact, maybe the fight against the Lightning Cultist was as "morbid" (I do not want to use "dark" yet again) of a tone as it'll go.

Oh, and I finally fixed those errors in run:gifocalypse caused by putting a hyphen before .GIFfany's name, which would erase the whole thing and just leave a nonsense space. Went through each and every chapter. I might make a list of those changes, although it would be easier for RG because I actually put that list in a file just for craps and giggles, while I did not save the EFFI changes there. Also, for all of you Grammar Nazis who don't like how I was using "foreward" when it should be "forward," don't worry: I fixed all instances here and in run:gifocalypse. And the process to fix that was its own punishment, that was seriously a pain in the ass, so there's no need to be angry because we're even. Not in any of my other stories yet, though (this is one of the exception as it's ongoing and thus people will 'see it first,' RG's the other exception because I love it).

I also went back to Chapter 8's Bonus and removed a stupid thing. Darlene probably shouldn't be removing the graves of the other people she ate as that would be disrespecting the dead. She only tried to remove Stan's now. (Actually, that was what I was going to do, but I don't think anywhere in the bonus actually implied her removing all the tombs. But I cleared it up just to be sure, that she was just going to remove Stan's. And I explained how Melody and .GIFfany "rode" in to the scene.) Speaking of Chapter 8's Bonus, did you know that that description of Ford letting his foot down is kind of an inside-reference to this scrapped fic idea Homer Takes a Step? Just some fun little trivia for those with enough patience to get through these notes. Although I suppose rewarding you for reading through 'some of me' with 'more of me' isn't that good of an idea...


The hex-ship, once a powerful center of ritual magic by the late Zephieye Smith, but now a proud ride used by the Keepers of the Hexagram Emergency. Out in the middle of the Atlantic, the massive ride flew over at near-invisible speeds over to a particular oil rig. It was there that the Stan Brothers both hopped out, Stan waving bye, Ford taking some time to as well. Once the six-ship combo practically disappeared, Ford whipped out some devices, following after a blue dot.

"Here." Said the Green Sage-Guide, who popped out of Stan's rear. "I know where to go to reach the Blue Temple. You'll have to hold your breaths, though. It's under water."

The entrance itself was easy to pin down. Just swim under what looked to just be some blue burried in rock, and then swim up to the 'air.' Quote marks because the temple had done a poor job completely keeping water out over the years, with slow trickles leaking in.


Deep within the Sahara, the ship bolted its way down to a tiny piece of orange stone that struck from the dunes. Soos and Darlene bolted towards the stone, following the excited Yellow Sage-Guide as she (and her breasts) bounced over through, happy to direct them to which path led to the warp room and chamber the quickest.


Before Melody knew it, the six-way ship combination had already landed by an isolated little forest wilderness by Portland. She didn't even finish taking a deep breath as she grasped the surroundings.

"So..." she said, "this is it."

.GIFfany pat a hand on her shoulder.

"Why are you nervous?"

"I- I don't even know. I mean, Zephieye is dead and everything, but... that humming noise from the temple, and..."

"It will be okay. I will help you if it is not. And even if I cannot, the Army will provide backup. It is why we came here last, after all, so that we have way more force to deal with the hardest temple. Now, let's do this!"

Aaaaaand as soon as they stepped off, the hex-ship took up and off without them.

"Hey, wait, what?" Melody asked. ".GIFfany, is this some prank? I know this wasn't what we planned!"

The Ectoenergy Squad Captain ran her tanish legs towards the edge of the blue portion of the ship, reaching her head over. She tried to pass an arm over the side, but found it blocked by a glowing yellow barrier.

"This isn't a joke!" Said the sun-haired captain. "Something's taking over the ship!"

Those were her last words before the ship flew off, away from the temple entrance.

.GIFfany and Melody just stood there, awestruck.

"Well..." said the former. "Uh... Red? Where is the temple?"

"...I can show you the way." Replied the Sage-Guide.


"Boy, is it dry and sandy in here." Soos said, taking in how the shade of the Orange Temple just barely blocked out the desert's wrath. Then again, compared to the Red Temple in Fanservice Island's volcanic portion, it was pretty cool. But unlike the volcanic portion, there was no Fire Squad and Antifire Squad to set up a system of temperature-regulators to make it feel like just a normal area that happened to have harmless-feeling lava. And magma, because it went underground.

"Actually, Orange loves a setting like this." The Yellow Sage-Guide elaborated. "It reminds him of the place he first spawned from. I believe he may have been able to direct his frozen sphere, with as little remaining power as he had, to the desert for a burial he would enjoy."

"...Really?" Darlene asked. "I should ask a lot more about him. He's going to be my guide- wait a minute, you said 'him' and 'he,' right?"

"Red and I are the only women in our group." Yellow seemed to sweat. Or, whatever her version of that is. "Unless you count the Anti-Sage, but she's... really not part of our group."

Then she mumbled something.

"What was that?" Asked Darlene.

"...I said I hate her. Hate hate."

"I'm sure she's not that bad!" Said Soos. "Maybe she's just kinda misunderstood and troubled. Like .GIFfany and Dar- uh, you there. But... like, I know the Troll and the Lightning Cultist were really bad. I can't say anything about those two."

Soos found her left arm suddenly on his shoulder. And, seemingly with just the power of her index finger tip, he was pulled to face her directly. The Light Guide's eyes had just appeared as solid white, contrasted by what looked from Soos's point of view to be a view of increasing darkness in a circle around. For Darlene, the light levels appeared to be just as they were before the grab.

"Listen to me very carefully. Like the Cultist, the Anti Sage is beyond repair. Do not try to 'fix'' her. Do not try to redeem her. Do not even try to talk to her. You follow the mission, and eliminate anything relating to the Void and the Age it will inevidably bring."

"Uh... okay?"

"Do not."

She continued walking down the sunset-colored halls, turning to the far right at the first intersection - a five-way one - without saying another word.


"Okay, what the fuck is going on?" The Plant Squad Captain asked the other squad captains, all of whom (yes, even the ones that are not based on the main professors from run:gifocalypse, except Plant herself as she broke to ask the question) were typing furiously on unresponsive computers.

"Something's hijacked almost all of our systems!" Replied the Weapons Squad Captain, who - in sharp contrast to her allies - her only change in tone was that she was slightly breathing a little more heavy.

"Somethin' with a lot of ghostly energy." Said the Ectoenergy Squad Captain. "We're talking a Category 10... maybe a Category 11, but Ford didn't have any first-hand accounts of those. Dipper did, but we haven't spoken to him since... actually, even if you count .GIFfany Prime as 'us,' which we don't because incest, I don't think she ever actually said a word directly aimed at him."

"Crowds with him in it, yes. Holding a conversation with Dipper, no." Weapons corrected. "Anyway, the Generator is the one exception and the reason for the exact term 'almost,' the partial entity in this conglomeration of technology, magic, occult arts, and magic utility had been ; but the new copies have been acting... weird since our ship was hijacked."

"Define 'weird.'" Said Plant.

"Odd look in their eyes. Kind of talked funny. Almost sounded like if someone tried to mind-control them, but directed them to be subtle about it, and gave them horrible commands that could easily be misunderstood. I was also picking up signs of psychic interference on them, too, so something is getting in to their heads."

"Again," added Ectoenergy, "something powerful. Fuggin' UNSTOPPABLE."

"'Unstoppable' is the ONLY word worthy of my strength!" Said a pretty unwanted voice. That got all the .GIFfanys to look up, the 'general direction' of the voice's source. Maybe. Even the Sound Squad Captain had some trouble discerning.

"Oh no!" Shouted 9. "That voice! That ego! That can only be-"

"Need I remind you that this is a world with ghosts in it? Ghosts that can haunt locations that they are not done with? And I am technically not done with this place yet?"

There was Zephieye, in the form of a pale cyan spectral entity-variation of herself. Aside from that, the most noteworthy change of her appearance was that all four of her limbs occasionally gave out bursts of that sort of ghost-fire seen with Mr. Archibald Corduroy (people who don't have Journal 3 are probably taking a good guess at who the fuck I'm talking about), until they eventually formed in to four flaming, spectral swords. She was still clad in her robes, although her mask was gone. Her head also, at times, detatched from the rest of her body. Because this is an M-rated fan fiction, the separated segment also dripped with ghost-blood a little I dunno. I'm not sure how or why ghosts would have blood, but that would make this Peggy Hill-cum-Lunatic Cultist OC look edgier and more badass.

"Zephieye!" The entirety of the Artificial Army present in the main room cried out. Except the Antifire Captain, but she still shivered a little at the ghost's appearance.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Asked the Fire Squad Captain. "Our group just killed you last chapter! At least space yourself out a bit." Yes, Burnda can break the fourth wall. Generally, in stories less serious than run:gifocalypse. Whether or not she can break the fourth wall in RG itself is gonna be a mystery for now.

"...I thought I just explained it. I am now haunting this area. A ghost, by herself, can be a powerful threat. Let alone a ghost with expert genius knowledge of the supernatural before dying."

The Ectoenergy Squad Captain shrugged. "Hey, do you even REALIZE that you are dealing with the ASTONISHING .GIFfany Number 507915? The Ectoenergy Squad CAPTAIN? You are NOT the only one who knows about ghosts! I can exorcise you in seconds FLAT!"

"And she can make ghosts feel pain." Weapons jerked a thumb towards her blonde sis- uh, ...clone? No. Derivative? "So that we may also help partake in the thorough ass-whooping."

All of the .GIFfanys got in to a fighting stance, and each of their hands began to give off several sparks of electricity. Many of which - and that feature was universal among the captains - were color-coded, usually according to their hair, while some of the relative noobs had .GIFfany's canon light blue electricity.

Time to get more elaborate: many of them made shapes from electric energy, then turned them in to metal, then turned them in to something else. I'll go over the more abstract ones to deal with curiosity and to avoid coming off as redundant and/or just listing the obvious ones. For an obvious one, Plant made energy, then metal in the shape of a flower with a long vine-like stem, then formed an actual thorn-covered rose from that. The Sound Squad Captain's metal was of a more abstract, circular shape that was quickly turned in to colorful waves that rippled through the air, each color representing its own unique note for those that got close enough. The Paint Squad Captain just made a 'clump' shape, which turned in to color-shifting paint that floated through the air as she soon planted herself on the ceiling...

The objects that were created just harmlessly fell down in a less active state, and non-solid ones kind of either dispersed through the air if a gas or fell on the ground if liquid. The Paint Captain fell to the ground on her head. Any future attempts to get their powers back resulted in just making lower bunches of electricity, which died down from there, eventually just becoming tiny color-coded sparks. And soon, even the color-coding was gone, as each proud squad captain was only able to make tiny bright blue dots, before those failed.

They looked down, and the last thing to give out as their tiny censorship grids, as the copies covered themselves with their hands just in time.

"Our powers!" Cried Weapons/9. "And the closest thing we really considered our clothes! What did you do to them?!"

Zephieye tapped her head. "Basic math. Knowledge of the supernatural plus enhanced ghostly powers plus knowing the inner workings equals... no powers for you! However, there is one way to get them back..."

That was when a number of copies with the same, bright ghostly glow in their eyes burst through the doors, all lined up behind the Cultist.

"Join my army. I already took over your Generator, and I am already adding those to me as we speak. Once all of you are on my side and are ready to help bring me back to life, then you can leave this ship. Of course, since you would be under my control, you would not want to."


"We should be near the area..." Yellow finally said something again. "I'm excited to see Orange again..."

"Say, what was with that weird bad feeling we kept getting from the Red Temple?" Soos asked. "It lasted right up until we freed Red. These temples are supposed to be good things. Why would all of us - especially, like, our supernatural women - feel so much dread the closer we got? And why was Pyronica immune to it?"

"...I think it was the Cultist trying to keep us out of it? As an extra precaution..." Darlene tried to answer, "and the spell was set to go away after freeing Red. Because with her out, there was no reason to keep us out of-"

"Here." Said the Guide with the team, guesturing to the room. A similar copy-paste of the other rooms that the three previous Guides were sealed in, with the most noteworthy difference being that the carving depicted Darlene's form rather than .GIFfany's, Soos's, or Stan's.

As Darlene walked her way over to the orange sphere, taking note of the humanoid inside appearing as a twenty-something man with wild, spikey hair in the same curled up position, Soos placed his hand over his stomach and coughed.

"Suddenly," he said, "I'm feeling pretty hungry. Is anyone else feeling hungry? I mean, it's really sudden. Before we left the island, I had a nice meal, and-"

"Oh man, that's probably because of us. Er, me, Pestilencehorse's ability doesn't specifically cause hunger. Sorry, it's just that I like eating a lot. And stealing food. I mean, that's why I am called the Destroyer of Food, after all."

Both the Keepers and the Guide turned around, seeing Faminehorse and Pestilencehorse standing right behind them. The latter waved, the former was by a minifridge that was suddenly there for some reason. Despite Faminehorse being the speaker of that above line, he was absolutely digging through the contents of the fridge, scanning vehemently. Obviously, not even looking at the group.

"...So, are you trying to kill us or not?" Soos asked. "Because everything about your other two buddies says 'yes,' but you guys are acting really chill."

"Oh, I'll maybe end up killing you alright." Said Faminehorse, finally whipping out a hamburger. He took a bite, then spat out something green. "Urgh, I don't really like pickles. Anyway, anyway- look. Soul Keeper. Let's make a deal. You don't free that guy, and we'll have an easier time getting ready to wipe out all organic life and make way for the virtual life on this world, as part of Zephieye's- no. Wait. Pyronica wanted the Earth to be killed for her kind to move on.

"...H-hang on! Keepers, uh... why don't we just compromise? We don't need to wipe out most organic life to make the planet suitable for the Nightmare Realm!"

"Yeah, but then they'll just wipe out us instead." Soos explained.

"Why do you think they'll do that? Isn't that, like, racist against eldritch demon horrors?"

"Because they tried it before! I had an 'apocalypse' right on my home when this Bill Cipher dude did it! You might know him. He was, like, a triangle. But a scary one, with flaming hands and a thing for people screaming in terror."

"You could just be stereotyping based on a few bad ones that made it through. Uh, anyway, if you're not going to just sit there and do nothing, then we'll fight back."

Soos laughed as he looked at his sword. Meanwhile, Darlene had already touched against the orange sphere, causing it to crack. Pestilencehorse barely even seemed to notice; Faminehorse gasped.

"Look dudes, I have this cool sword that even cut up these big things out in the ocean." Soos said, keeping his eyes on the Light Keeper's Blade for emphasis. "You probably shouldn't try to challenge us. It could be pretty-"

And then came the flash of light, which got even the two Skeltaurs to shield their eyes after the room was filled with white.

Before the glow even finished dying down, the orange figure brought his feet down, stuck a finger up to the air, and opened out his body, with only a small-yet-long orange ghost-like thing covering his crotch. Said censorship method looked like... a... pig-mole hybrid thing? With sunglasses?

"ALRIGHT!" He cheered. "FINALLY! THE ORANGE SAGE-GUIDE IS FREE, READY TO ROLL, AND READY TO HELP SOME KEEPERS KICK SOME ASS! YOU'RE NOW MORE THAN HALF-WAY THERE, AND I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TO-"

Then the Yellow Guide gave him a tackle-hug, practically leaping on him. His face was absolutely stuffed in her chest, and unlike Green, he did not seem to mind too much. After a few initial snuggle-moves, Yellow breathed air in through her teeth.

"Orange..." she said, "I know this is a bad time, but... there's two of the Skeltaur Knights right here, the Knights of Mystery. Do you think you can-?"

"OH HELL YES, I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU FINALLY SLAUGHTER THOSE JERKS! Now," he broke from the hug, searching around the people in the room, "which one of you set me free? I want to know who will be able to hold my Blade, and who will just get consumed by raw spiritual energy. FIGHTING spiritual energy!"

Then a few things clicked. With Soos already having a Blade in his hands, Orange said, "well, not you. Unless you're a two-fer Keeper or something. But I don't think we have those. Hrm..." Then he looked at the Skeltaurs. It should also be noted that Faminehorse appeared to be backing away, with it being Pestilencehorse's turn to get lost in the minifridge they brought with them. "And OBVIOUSLY not you. ...I hope, unless we REALLY screwed up when it came to the ritual. No, wait, I remember now. Red told me telepathically. Uh... it's..."

For some reason, it took him a bit to single out the last other occupant in the room that was not another Guide. Even then, he kind of looked over at Yellow, said "Wait, are you somehow my- nevermind..." and then finally met eyes with Darlene.

Who sheepishly waved back.

"YOU THERE! GREAT! NOW I REMEMBER! MY GUIDE'S PART SPIDER! AWESOME! NOW, DIANE,"

"Darlene." She corrected.

"RIGHT, DARLENE. I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS:"

Sparking particles showed up with a tealish glow, often giving off tiny bolts of lightning. As with the formation of the other Blades, as time passed, more and more formed; to the point where the some of the later objects were pepple-sized clumps of solid... ecto-stuff, which slowly turned more and more yellow in color, then orange. When they were brought together, the result was a giant, wavy sword shape that seemed to be solid yet moved as though it was liquid barely kept in the shape of a sword. In addition, the sword-'form' was constantly giving off electricity. The shell burst, revealing a shiny orange sword that had matching wisps flying around. Seeing no immediate move on the end of the Skeltaurs, Darlene grabbed it.

YOU GOT THE SOUL KEEPER'S BLADE!

A HOT BLOODED, BADASS weapon that was hidden within the cracks of Earth. Use the power of raw ecto-energy against the enemy with a single swing! Powered by magic and... and, uh... something... oh yeah! Propane! (And RAW FIGHTING SPIRIT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS?!)

"Well." Said Darlene. "That was fast."

"Hey, Pestilencehorse!" Faminehorse shouted. "Uh... I don't know about you, but I'm getting out of here. Sorry."

The thin man-horse ran off, with a deep, dark spinning vortex appearing on the wall he seemed to otherwise be gunning right after. Within the middle was a purple palette-swap of the temple's stone. The portal closed after he seemlessly sunk in through it, leaving Pestilencehorse to slowly move his head around at the setting.

"Huh? Oh, wow man. I'm psyching out. I could swear I was hearing Faminehorse about a sec ago! ...Hey man, where did this, like, fridge come from? Is it real? What is real? How can this be real if our eyes aren't?"

"...We should attack him, right?" Darlene asked to the Guides.

Yellow nodded vehemently, Orange just said "I was wondering why you didn't already!"

And thus, the two present Keepers utterly charged at the one remaining Knight. Soos, body turning towards a shining blaze of rainbow light. Darlene, with glowing ecto-'flames' that did not burn coating her. Both of them stabbed the green Skeltaur, his attack causing a burst of light to jump forth, hers making a small tornado of the same energy fly out...

Pestilencehorse was still in one piece, standing there.

"Haha, wow that looked cool. I really am high. Can you, like, do it again? I need more of this weed... and more of you two?"

Both Darlene and Soos were absolutely dumbfounded.

"What?!" Asked the former. "K-Keepers! I mean Guides, we're the Keepers... Guides! Do you know anything about this?!"

"No!" Yellow replied, frantically looking around the room as though the temple itself could talk and give her answers. "Your Blades should be able to cut right through! I mean, the Skeltaur Knights are bad, but... well, the only thing that could protect them is-"

"Oh yeah, that hot pink chick with the ass ate these wicked berries, flashed black stuff, and coated us."

Yellow slammed a fist against the wall nearest to her, causing Orange to shudder.

"Uh, Yells?" He asked. "You okay?"

"It's the Anti-Sage! Well, her Keeper- I mean, the Anti-Hex!" That terminology is a pretty good reason on why skipping any chapter in a story written by me is a bad idea. It starts out closer to canon, but slowly starts introducing its own rules and shit. "It makes sense! She has powers that can resist and neutralize ours! Hell, that's the main reason why she was so good at sealing all of us! It's the only reason!"

"Well, I wouldn't say only, but..."

Taking a deep breath, the Yellow guide patted her orange-r counterpart on the shoulder. But said nothing further.


.GIFfany and Melody just kept staring at something. Don't ask me what just yet; if this were visual, this would be when we see the camera facing them, the object in question just behind the point of view.

"You're sure you can't go through that?" Melody asked.

"I am sure."

"I know. I'm sure too. I knew Zephieye's magic. She's really saving the advanced stuff for our home town."

Okay, now's the time: 'that' was a transparent black-ish wall with several, darker giant 'X's that slowly scrolled down the texture until 'wrapping around' so to speak.

"Thankfully, the Skeltaurs shouldn't be able to either," Melody explained further, "so they can't just camp out behind that and hide until the three hours pass."

"Yeah, but I can camp out around here!"

It was Faminehorse who had said that, having just trotted over to the position of the two women.

"Oh. Hi there. I'm supposed to kill you or something, okay? I mean, it sounds fun. So, why not?"

.GIFfany immediately stepped forth in front of Melody, Blade out and ready.

"If you want to go through her, you must go through me first! ...Melody, was that a cliche thing to say?"

"I don't know. Soos kept track of that stuff more than I did."

"I think that's how the line goes," Faminehorse interrupted, "but I'm not that sure. Well, it doesn't matter, because we're just going to end the world anyway."

.GIFfany just cut any future talk and charged towards the horse-man, already ablaze from her Keeper Blade.

You could probably already guess that that attack had the exact same result as Soos and Darlene's attempt to double-team Pestilencehorse. The Blade kinda did a bit of damage, but absolutely nothing drastic.

"Yeah... I'm afraid those things won't work on us." Said the emaciated centaur. "Sorry. You'll have to try something else. You know, I think Zephieye might have some kind of counter-spells against us, if that helps."

That immediately gave Melody an idea. She slapped her forehead, said "Oh, duh!" and began scratching at her arm.

"Say, could you wait a bit before I start?" She asked. "I think I forgot something."

"No!" One of the few times the horse-man came close to really raising his voice. "I know you're trying to draw blood to cast a spell against us!"

"Yes I am! But you're already too late! Elquiip deytieena hgaszdrit!"

She dashed forth as a transparent outline of a sword formed around her hand in glowing violet. Faminehorse leaped back, thrust an arm forward, and a number of yellowed, dead-looking, spiked 'vines' shot out.

Melody wasn't even slowed down. She just slashed at them, ignored the rumbling of her stomach, and even when two of the vines seemed to have finally pushed her, she fired the sword completely off of her hand, causing it to fly until it stabbed Faminehorse right through the head.

With that, he suddenly... did a 180 in tone.

"I WISH UPON YOU... STARVATION!" He cried.

And then he turned in to a yellow explosion, wiping him out. One down, three to go-

You feel your muscles become weak, unable to move a thing.

None of the Keepers knew what that message was. It came to their heads, voiceless yet sounding loud at the same time. To some extent, that was true - each of them did feel a sudden droop in energy in their muscles, but it soon faded.


"So, if neither of you can kill me even with your Keeper Blades..." said Pestilencehorse, "why don't we all just, like, get high together? It'll really help you wait out the... rest of the time? You guys have left? On this world? Before we just hand it over to the Nightmare Realm?"

Soos frowned. "Do we have to kill this guy? He seems kinda friendly."

"Friendly, but evil!" Darlene said in return, giving her sacred weapon the occasional look. "They're working together, with Pyronica, to end the world!"

Pestilencehorse lept in the air until he was just at the height before he could hit his head on the Orange Temple's ceiling, but he floated in place up there. Then he started spinning in place, before landing.

"Let's, like, get down and do this! Now, go after them, germs and stuff!"

Green gas emitted from his... skin? Darlene immediately gagged.

"What is that?" She asked. "Raw bacteria?"

"No, it's raw bac... ba... no wait, ya' totally nailed! Like, woa-hoah! But yeah. I'm gonna... you see, infect you dudes... it's gonna rock."

Soos was simply taking a few steps back. Darlene, on the other hand, already shifted in to full spider mode, all eight of her legs scurrying backwards, and naturally managing to go far behind Soos.

"Okay, normally I'm a fan of all that gross... uh, disease - I'm a spider, I kind of have to be - but... you're like, the embodiment, which is just way too much for me."

"Yeah, you're right. This is also kind of a standard-grade poison, which will kill you. Eventually? Because, you know, pesticides beat insects."

"Did you just call me... a part-spider... an INSECT?" Darlene halted in her tracks. "HOW old are you?"

"Uh... five million." Pestilencehorse seemed to be thinking quite a lot. "Five million, twenty-eight thousand and eighty-one years old. We turn all turn five million, twenty-eight thousand and eighty-two years old next Valentine's Day!"

"And yet you can't grasp something most five year-olds get?! SPIDERS. ARE NOT. INSECTS! THEY ARE ARACHNIDS! I AM AN ARACHIMORPH! DO I HAVE TO BEAT THAT IN TO YOUR SKULL?"

"Uh, you could try, but I'm like, this really tough kickass guy. Although I just sensed that Faminehorse was killed."

Darlene's eyes lit. All... what, nine of them?

"Say... and how did he die?"

"Um, Melody said some magic spell thing and- heyyyyyy... I'm not telling you how to kill us! Because then, like, I'd die and stuff? Because of you dudes?"

"Melody's magic spells... Melody's magic spells..." Keeping her form, she turned to Soos. "Do you know any of them? Did you overhear her when she chanted those things?"

Soos shook his head.

"Well... I'll just... do you have anything that could clean this up?"

"Yeah, actually! I have loads of cleaning chemicals from the Soap Squad Captain."

"Are you two still-"

"Kind of."

"Kind of?" Admist her still moving away from the raw disease, Darlene tried to force a small laugh. "I thought you wanted to know me more! Isn't this... people... knowing each-other?"

"Yes, but that's really personal! I'm... I'm just... I've been drifting apart around the end of our time on the island, and uh... I kinda broke up with most of them..."

"Hey." Pestilencehorse interrupted their conversation. "Speaking of personal... like, ya'shall sound like this is getting pretty wicked, dude."

"Why?" Soos asked. "If we say 'yes,' will you... leave?"

"Yeah. Back to my dimension, where you guys can't even reach me... wait, can I even do that with the whole Pyronica-teather thing?"

Soos snapped his fingers. "Shoot! I thought I got him for a second... okay, no. You don't have to leave."

"Rad! Now..."

Then the green germ-gas spread over both of the fighters, coating the entire room.

Even the previously-quiet Yellow and Orange Sage-Guides spoke up after that happened, coughing along with Soos and Darlene.

"This is awful! I hate these bacteria!" Shouted Darlene's Guide.

Soos's just tried to smile through it. "But... Orange," she said, "they are... um, alive too? So we should... heheheheh..."

"Like, they're not really alive though dudes." Said Pestilencehorse. "Well... kind of. But they are not Earthly."

It took 'Not Earthly' for Yellow to actually have a reaction. Her eyes stared at the horse-man, giving a similar - if less intense - burning look as she did to Soos earlier in the dungeon.

"Okay." She said. "Soos. Darlene. Kill them."

Of course, they were already well on their way to trying something similar to that. Both Keepers braced through coughs, already feeling the fatigue of the disease hitting them hard. Soos especially felt the difficulty of movement, the mucus starting to leak out - and turning from clear to a thick, bright green quickly - and being pushed towards the edge of puking his guts out.

"Ha! Brahhhhh... rad! I've gotcha in my sick Sick Zone! Yeah, I said 'sick,' like, twice. It's a totes, you get it, 'sick' as in the compliment, then the next 'Sick' - capitalized this time - is because you're gonna get infected and all."

Even Darlene's breathing got a bit heavy. "You... you jerk!"

"...I don't really wanna be a 'jerk,' but like... more of a... evil mastermind. And I think they do all 'quick and painless' and crap. So sorry..."

She (barely) managed to make her way towards Pestilencehorse, but then the beast-man actually moved. Specifically, he swung his arm towards her mid-section, managing to land a good bruise on that.

"Sh'all." He said. "Just give up."

"No! We have to fight the fatigue! We have..." She noticed Soos, barely crawling around. "And 'we' means WE! Soos! Get up! Guides! What are you doing?"

"I thought we already told you." Yellow said with a shrug. "We are... intangible right now. Think of us as using the power of hope to win."

Orange rolled his eyes. "Sorry, but we're not. We're just kinda both doing nothing. And this is coming from a guy who believes just dreaming and being determined gives you what you want. I mean, it's a lot easier to follow through in a world where that means you can make weapons out of nothing just by fighting spirit alone. Man, I wish I was in that world... that sounds cool..."

"Argh!" Darlene growled.

In between coughs, Soos managed to get out the following: "Hey... try... throwing me, at him. I think I can stall him and, like, junk."

She had a split-second of hesitance, but ultimately followed his suggestion - he flew over to Pestilencehorse as a result of the plan, using his Blade to hack and slice at him. Despite the amount of power he was putting in to his swings (especially against the crippling sickness), at most he was just causing some minor cuts.

"Dude, I'm gonna heave on you." Soos said. "I feel pretty sick right now. Just a head's up."

"Aw- oh, NO!" Pestilencehose finally rose his voice. Just slightly, not to the extent of Faminehorse's dying words, nor of Warhorse or Deathhorse's default dialogue. "Shoot brah, get off then!"

What followed was a little hard to see thanks to the green cloud of germs, but it could still be discerned that he tried reaching his kinda-slimish arms behind his head to try to grapple Soos. That didn't work. He then tried leaping around in place to buck Mr. Mystery off, while Soos kept slicing and stabbing with the Light Keeper Blade. That didn't work. Soon, Pestilencehorse found himself staring face-to-face with Darlene, who jabbed at him annoyingly twice with her own Blade.

"The more you throw me around," said Soos, "the sicker I'll get. It's like, basic biology. I kinda wonder how much about that you really know, since you call spiders insects. Everyone knows they're not."

"Argh! Fine!" The green cloud was already clearing up, and Pestilencehorse stomped again. "I'll call off the sickness! It's no fun when my enemies are weak anyway. I like facing the big dudes with their fullest power! And that means you, spider monster, since you're the biggest!"

"What about a lot of little dudes?" Darlene asked rhetorically, making sure to tilt her multi-eyed head just a little to get that last bit of focus from him.

It was then that the second Skeltaur Knight noticed the spiders starting to crawl in to the room the group was fighting in, and slowly work their way up his back legs. He leaped himself forward - Soos still managing to keep a hold on.

"Stop it stop it stop it stop it GAWSH, I really hate having those things crawl all over me! I'm sickness, not awful insect infestations!"

"Okay, I already corrected you on that once." Darlene put a hand to her mid-section. "That's it. We're gonna finish you off now, with a new attack that'll hopefully work. Guide! Can I throw some soul-stuff on Soos's sword, and that will like combine the elements?"

The Orange Sage-Guide nodded. "It's not as powerful as that fusion Red told me about that you used to kill some cultist woman, but it should still be pretty good."

"Okay, great! Soos, can you get your sword so that you can... uh, use it to pick something up? If this misses, it might hurt you."

His reply was a short and simple "Got it!"

The room then turned azure with a bright flash of spiritual light, blue flames appearing around both Darlene and her Blade. She flicked it only once, and that already caused a roaring ghost-fire to be shot over to Soos's position. Chuckling, he managed to catch it with a swing of his own Blade, and focused on the result.

Said result was that his sword was coated in it, and said spirit-coating immediately flared up and turned all sorts of bright colors. The flames no longer just had hints of faces, but rather the upper halves of full nude bodies appeared along the rainbow fires, smiling faces of the deceased that enjoyed the temporary pocket of Heaven the combined attack gave, more of them being attracted to the spiritual-light hybrid, as they were previously invited to Darlene's solo blast. A woman-ghost in particular even turned over to Soos and said "Thank you," as her breasts bounced around and nearly sliced Soos up with their oddly-hard nipples.

"Woah..." said Pestilencehorse, watching the colorful spectacle. "Psychedelic..."

And that was enough of a distraction for Soos to swing his Blade down, the ghosts that had gathered within being more than happy enough to generate their own swords from nowhere and attack his neck, while the rest of the ectoenergy combined with the holy might to blast at him even further. Soos was finally knocked off of Pestilencehorse, except that the horse-man already had a gaping gash down his mid-section. Green blood oozed down from it as the spirits left, and he completely went to the same volume as the other Skeltaurs had:

"I WISH UPON YOU... DISEASE!" Pestilencehorse shouted, before being blown up in a green explosion.

Your bones feel hollow, as though they become liquid, unable to stay stable.

Another strange message that entered the minds of all Keepers. Again, there was some truth to that - for a few moments, bones and joints and the like ached considerably. And they felt a bit wobbly, Soos and Darlene in particular struggling a bit to stay standing, even after the former returned to her humanoid appearance. But again, that faded.

"Okay, cool." Said the Orange Sage-Guide. "Now I feel a lot better about leaving you two - just for a sec! - to activate this temple. Once I'm done with the first part, which should be fast, hopefully it'll get rid of that violet glow crap that's keeping you from just blasting that pileup blocking the warp room with your swords."

"Oh," said Soos right after Orange sunk through the ground, "can't you just do that to the other two temples? Activate them and then we get the Guides?"

"The temples can only be activated by their respective Sage-Guide." Red explained that. Soos and Darlene both heard her voice over their swords. Even Yellow raised an eyebrow at that. "Yeah... it corresponds with the energies of the Guides themselves. We... kind of telepathically measured that ourselves, while we were sealed. We have the blueprints of all of our temples in mind."

"Hey, Red!" Soos cheered. "I haven't heard from you in, like, forty minutes! Why did you answer though?"

Soos, Yellow, and Darlene all flushed a bit after hearing Red take a deep breath in. They knew the answer.

"Because my Keeper and Melody... uhhhhnn... they wanted... 'alone time...' I think. I didn't want to ask! I just left them!"

Darlene first bit down HARD on her knuckles. But... fighting against that, she inched her way to Soos and patted him on the shoulder.

"You should get there ASAP." She said, smiling at him. Coincidentally, that was just when the violet around the debris faded. "Now, I normally don't believe in polygamy...

"Which is exactly why I think you should keep them apart and stay with just .GIFfany. You already... made a lot of progress on that just before we saw Zephieye on the island for the first time."

"Wait... you ship me X .GIFfany? And you think I really, like, permanently broke up with the other .GIFfanys? I... didn't? I said we should work things out and not rush."

"Oh no, did I reveal too much?" Asked the Red Sage-Guide. "I... I shouldn't have done that! I should have asked first, if anyone else was around! I know that relationship was supposed to be personal - that's why they asked for alone time! Argh, I'm so stupid!"

After a brief tensing at Red's comment, Darlene looked back to answer Soos first, but quickly. She gave a half-efforted shrug. "What can I... say? I just think that you two, uh, kinda compliment each other?"

"...How? I mean, I like how we're finally getting along about something, but at the same time, I don't know what you mean by .GIFfany and I 'complimenting.' What about me and Melody?"

"That's hard to pin down! But... if I were given a choice, I would say... that the thing about you fixing her is... uh..."

She kind of slumped.

"I want something like that too. That's all. You actually made .GIFfany a better person. Most of the men I've known my whole life just make those around them worse. Decency is rare, you know, and people who spread it are even rarer."

"I can't take all the credit! If it wasn't for Melody, we... wait, that's a good idea for something to think about. A parallel universe."

"What? You mean like those things Ford studied. And then... walked around for thirty years?"

"No, I mean like a fan fiction- nevermind. We'll talk more about it after going back to the ship. Because, I mean, the three-hour time limit!"

"I think it's about two hours now."

"Not helping! No offense, sorry."


"Come on! Why do you people keep hiding from me! In my opinion, my ability to get rid of your electronic powers while keeping my own ghostly skills puts me in an advantage over you!"

The main fourteen Squad Captains all huddled behind some crates, and by the loaded and secured Stan o War II. The Weapons Captain looked like she was about to explode.

"...It's hardly a fucking opinion! It's almost fact!" She half-whispered through her teeth. "Ectoenergy Squad Captain! Have you finally found the right spell? I thought as a professor-type of sorts, you would have that shit memorized!"

She casually thumbed through a bright yellow booklet. Upon finding a certain page, she shrugged, then took out Journal 3. The yellow-haired .GIFfany then flipped the latter book to the page it was already bookmarked on, then moved the books around a bit. One on top of another. Yawning, she finally got the right combination.

"Alright you ass, it is time to stop bothering us. You are annoying." She said. "Uh... let's see..."

The Weapons Squad Captain sighed, stood up, and nearly backed-

She froze when she felt someone behind her, and whipped her head around. She only caught a glimpse of who was over by those crates, enough to make out that it was indeed one of their own. A figure, with some... deep mint-green features that were not covered with shadow at least? Glowing eyes, of that similar dark green shade. And an expression that looked like the figure was about to bite. As the spirit of the Cultist drew closer, the shady figure disappeared in a similarly-shaped red, green, and blue outlines, which all vanished shortly after.

"Twelve?!" Asked the Weapons Squad Captain. "Is that you?! What are you doing here! Zephieye disabled our powers! How did you get those to work?!"

No reply. The figure did not return. Instead, a certain other one spoke up:

"AHA! I found you! Finally!" Zephieye's voice echoed through the hijacked ship(s). She swept by, and a trio of .GIFfanys that were just under where she happened to be ended up in that same eye-glowing state as the group Ghost Zephieye initially brought out. In response, the Ectoenergy Squad Captain just spoke the following:

"And I already found the incantation that'll capture you. Bravo, Zephieye."

Then she read off the same exact thing Dipper used in Northwest Mansion Mystery, with the yellow book really just being there because she wished she could partake in something new and bring in an additional element Ford was not already aware of. There's two reasons why I'm not detailing the process right here: One: I hate copy-pasting from canon so much that even little things like this... eh, I don't know. Two: I'm too lazy to look it up on the Gravity Falls fan wiki (no offense to "Northwest Mansion Mystery," in fact I loved that episode and it saved my interest after that godawful 'love'-drug fan fiction that was "The Love God"), and Wikia both chugs my computer and at times when I leave it idle on a page it shoots it over to shady sites. I have not had that problem with GameFAQS and stuff, or even smaller, obscure zones that are probably more suspected to carrying viruses (Although thanks to the choices picked for Googleads, many of those sites are lag hell). Uh, you might wanna get that checked out in that case.

And thus, Zephieye's ghost was anti-climactically defeated, just in time for Soos and Darlene to run over to the group as the Ectoenergy Squad Captain completed the exorcism. Both of them held their Blades out, but upon seeing the Cultist's ghost ascend to the afterlife, they both slowed down and brought their weapons closer.

"My Blade can control spirits, and- whatahuh?" Darlene outright stopped in her tracks when she said that post-hyphen part.

Oh yeah, and Orange had re-joined them. That too.

"Oh." Darlene continued. "We... we heard that your ship was lifted up without your knowledge, and when we got here, we saw some possessed AIs and... that gray-haired one with glasses... the Legal Squad Captain? Said she was fighting against the Cultist's ghost before she ended up getting mind-controlled..."

"Sorry we didn't take the warning signs sooner!" Said Soos. "First it was because we were occupied by Pestilencehorse. Then it was because we spent a few seconds talking about our feelings and stuff... a little... I should have jumped in sooner, I know!"

"That is alright!" Said the Weapons Squad Captain. "Regardless of what your Blades can do, you should never feel obligated to lay your lives down on the line for us! Think of it as just a little extra bonus for making up for all the horrible shit we did back before .GIFfany made us and we were technically... uh, part of her memories or something?"

Darlene looked around the room, seeking any trailing remains of the Cultist, before she weighed in: "Ixnay on the illingkay. .GIFfany's recovering from that. I think. She's been through more than enough drunken depression over her guilt being forgiven."

The gray-skinned derivative folded her arms, shooting a deathly look to the spider-woman.

"That is for Soos and Melody to decide. And Dipper. And Stan. And the people who were at Hoo-Ha's at the time. And the people around the mall when Prime attacked. And... I guess, Mabel. Not you. None of us ever really attacked you. Except for when we tried to stop you from stopping .GIFfany's punishment, which was a light thing."

"What about when I used that love potion thingy on you? You broke free from it and tried to kill me."

"I was not trying to kill you. And I legitimately hated that drug shit, it took a lot of talking to convince me that you using it to command our enemies is not the same thing as forcing two people to 'love' one-another 'just to test if it will work out.' GUH! How fucking creepy! Can you believe..."

She started trailing off, which got a laugh out of the Fire Squad Captain.

"Hey," Soos said, playing around a bit with his Blade, "do you think you can take us to the other temples? Like, drop me off at the purple one so I can see and help my uh... date buddies?"

"And I want to help the Stans. The more firepower, the better." Darlene added.

"If you asked me, as someone who has memories of the Cultist at her strongest," the Fire Captain continued patting the Weapons Captain on the shoulder, "I think you should both go to the Purple Temple if it's patrolling with Cultists."

"Nah. You guys need your privacy."

The Soap Squad Captain's eyes immediately looked over to the ground, as she started drawing air in through her teeth. "Did... you forget? Or, did none of us tell you? ...We're not that much 'you guys' anymore. I mean, Soos is with me. But... he kind of... uh..."

"I sorta unofficially 'broke up' with everyone but her, Prime, and Melody." Soos answered for her. "But... Melody and, I think, Prime are still cool with them."

"It's hard to tell!" Soap spoke up. "Her alcoholism was a huge buzzkill! Pun unintended."


Ah, the outskirts of Portland.

I don't actually know that much about Portland, so let's just skip to the temple.


"Boy, it sure is kind of spooky walking down these halls all by myself..." Soos said as his still-bare feet trailed down the shadow-soaked purple stone, "I find it weird that Darlene still stuck with that I needed my privacy."

It kind of clicked when he heard the moaning coming further down the hall.

He lept back and held his Blade up defensively when he sensed someone right behind him - he still felt a bit nervous when he found out it was just the Red Sage-Guide.

"Uhhhhh... Yellow!" Said the first-rescued of the Guides. "Yellow Yellow Yellow Yellow! ...Yeah, just you, right? Darlene didn't come with Orange too?"

The thicker Guide floated out of Soos's rear end, the result coming close to burrying him between the total of the four breasts.

"What is it?"

"...You should, uh, stay out with me! Soos, you can walk forward, but uh... .GIFfany and Melody are... well, how do I say this... uh-"

"Having sex?"

"...Yes? Yes. Yes! Yes...? I tried to tell them not to, and I really do not know how to put this without obliterating their privacy, but Melody just insisted and... and... I had to leave their room. Soos, all you have to do is go left, then right, then - oh, you heard the moaning. Just follow them! ...Soos?"

"I kind of wish you guys didn't turn solid for this part. I mean, there's barely any room here even." Soos said, barely able to be audioble through the faceful of daffodil-colored flesh. With a particular crimson nipple just behind him, almost touching his body.

Red backed up, but it seemed to take a little longer for Yellow to understand. Not that that was much of a problem, as Soos simply moved out from his Guide's chest and darted his way down.

"R-right!" Red answered a little bit too late. "S-sorry!"


Melody was in utter delight as .GIFfany managed to keep herself up against the wall. Because of the height difference, the latter had to somewhat slump a bit in order to have the best reach to her pseudo-wife's ass. It was well more than worth it; both of them battled with kisses and the occasional bite, and .GIFfany kept a tight grip on her target while mainly trying not to salavate everywhere.

.GIFfany's hip movements practically set her lover on fire, Melody's entire body shaking from the reminder of just how intense the love-game was compared to her own experience. Tentacles began to join the former-sim in their quest to get as much of Melody's butt as possible, and that just gave her an idea.

"If you like this so much..." Melody placed one hand on .GIFfany's chest, beginning to turn around. "I should be a good girl and give you better accESS. Ac...SASS? Wait... sorry, that pun sounded better in my head."

"You mean to say 'a good woman-' oh, now it is my turn to say I'm sorry. 9 got in my head."

Melody grinned as she flipped around, chubby butt almost making contact with .GIFfany's hips.

"But first, a little tease..."

"No, please don't twerk! If you twerk, I'll... I'll... I'll cu-"

She shook her sweat-coated butt just ever-so slightly, and only parts of it ever-so tapping against .GIFfany's thighs. As .GIFfany kept her eyes on the large spheres of skin with a glistening valley running through them, she just gave.

With one last sigh-moan, .GIFfany reached a hand down to cover her crotch as she fell over to the side, a few droplets managing to hit the ancient sacred floor below.

"...Really? Already?" Asked Melody. "...I thought you were just playing when you said that."

"Hey dudes, that looks like fun!" Soos said, standing proudly with his sword ready. His Keeper Blade was held up in his hands too. "So, who's the dragon this time? Wait, is one of you the knight, or the princess?"

"We're not playing those games right now." Melody said. "We were just told there was nothing to do, because we couldn't access the ship after it flew off and the Blue Temple's already almost finished or something? .GIFfany put a hand around my shoulder, her Guide freaked out and ran away, and we both think she started a rumor that we were... doing it."

"But you were."

"That's what gave us the idea!"

Soos shrugged. "Okay."

"Well, with that explained..." Just as .GIFfany was about to uncover herself, Melody happened to turn and duck just so that the former's groin was conveniently covered by Melody's back. (It's just those three. .GIFfany no longer felt the need to censor herself.) Ass in the air, she shook it a few more times to Soos's direction, watching his body suddenly turn sixteen shades redder as she stepped closer. "Wanna join?"

No response. Melody just twerked more.

"Come on Soos..." her ass outright rubbed against his entire mid-section, but was focused below the waist, "it's safer to just wait for the Stans..."

"Uh, how do I say this..." He rubbed his shoulder, carefully stepping forth. "Melody, I really feel like I'm-"


"So... I know this is the millionth time I've asked, but you too?" Melody asked. She stood above her two lovers, Soos holding his crotch in embarassment, .GIFfany happily licking creamy white liquid off her fingers. It's ice cream, okay? Soos had some in his inventory, and accidentally spilled it. And those droplets when .GIFfany fell were of bottles of water from the Water Squad, which she also kept in her inventory. The bottle just leaked a little. "I barely twerked in front of both of you, and... I'm not even the part-succubus here!"

"We .GIFfanys all really like your butt! I mean, look at it!" Said Prime. Melody turned her hips so that her rear was facing them - covered with white splatter, with the exception of a hand-shaped print. "Ahhhh... yeah... I mean- Soos has no excuse. He is not as... uh, I think 'single-focused' as we were."

"I do have an excuse! I was looking at Darlene naked the entire time, then the Orange guy. But that was okay, right until I was right between Red and Yellow. I was stuffed between them and they were rubbing against me for several minutes... look, if .GIFfany shook her butt after trying to get through that, I would have done the same thing. You guys know I'm a total butt dude."

Sighing, Melody walked over to the other two, and lied down on her front. .GIFfany lightly spanked her on the ass, picked up her re-coated hand, and began eating off of that. Part-succubi or whatever love ice cream. And uh, what did I say? Water.

"...What are you even doing?" Melody asked.

The AI replied as though it was an obvious question. "Trying to figure out a way to get maximum enjoyment from this! Touching your butt and eating my meal... I am evening the time I spend doing that out a little.

"Speaking of your butt. Think of it more as that you have a secret weapon! You should have used it against Zephieye!"

"Zephieye is a prude." Melody continued to lie down, looking as though she was tanning her back, except she obviously couldn't inside what was not just a temple, but one devoted to Darkness. "She would have just tried to kill me even more if I twerked. And she would have said something like 'BWAH, you're exposing harmful demons to children!' or something like that. Even though there are no kids around!"

"...Well, we can think of something your butt can be used for."

"I don't understand why everybody is obsessed with my butt! It's fat! I eat a bit of junk food! I rarely work out! And now, because of that, I'm part of some Earth-saving prophecy?!"

"Yeah, I don't really understand what my butt has to do with it." Said Soos, who started to become embarassed for a different reason. "...And why it's apparently just like a woman's. I'm sorry, but Yellow's butt does not look like mine! I do not have a lady's butt! I've seen a lot of them recently, in person! I know the difference!"

"...Well, since Red said that all the other Guides are guys, that means that my butt matches a dude's." Melody laughed. "But... uh, Red said it was this dude with long hair? Wait, what's his build, again?"

"Speaking of Red," said .GIFfany, "shouldn't we call the Guides back?"

"Not with my butt looking like a Jackson Pollock painting. Thank your Art Squad Captain for telling me who that guy was."

.GIFfany sighed. "Fine. I will clean it up completely. Soos, you look for the Guides."

"Why me?"

"Do you want to switch jobs?"

"RED! YELLOW!" He began walking down the hall. "WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"Yeah, sorry!" Melody cried from that barrier-point. "I normally try to take your side on things, but this time I'm with .GIFfany!"


When Soos returned, he was swinging his Blade at just about any shadow that moved, running as though there was some horrible beast right behind him, and rarely if ever blinking.

At the barrier, Melody was just as cleaned as ever, with .GIFfany giggling becides her. Both of them stood so that Soos could see their asses when he ran in. And once he did, he immediately calmed down and gave a huge sigh of relief.

"Hey, Soos!" Melody said, as upbeat as ever. "...I don't see the Guides, so I feel comfortable saying that I'm all licked down now!"

Winking, she affectionately bent over and just lightly gave her ass a playful shake - and .GIFfany turned pink again, moaned, and collapsed on the floor.

"Oh, come on! This is just, like, 90% Doritos and Mountain Dew!"

Soos still kept walking until he bumped in to the barrier, getting Melody's attention.

"Huh? Is something wrong?"

"Very wrong! I remembered where the Guides were, and I went over to them... and I found THIS note!"

He went in to his inventory and took out a sheet of paper. A black sheet of paper. There, written in white text that was made of several bone shapes, were the following words:

I WILL TAKE YOUR GUIDES.
THEN YOUR SWORDS.
THEN YOU.
THEN YOUR LOVED ONES.
FAMINE, PESTILENCE, WAR... YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO EVADE AND OUTSMART THEM.
BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DEATH(HORSE, DESTROYYYYYER OF LIFE!).

"That's bullshit," said .GIFfany, having recovered from her second orgasm, "Ford and I figured out that all you have to do is-"

"They have the Guides?!" Melody asked. "They're... like, our guides to the temple! And the butt destiny stuff! ...Oh, that's what they're the 'Guides' of. I finally get it."

"What do we do?" Soos placed his hands on his head. "Yellow was how Darlene and I got to save Orange!"

"Okay, don't panic!" Melody said, looking at the taunting panel keeping the crew out. "Don't panic... I think around the barrier, we're safe. So... we should not leave until after Stan and Ford are done with the Blue Temple, and have the last two Skeltaurs killed. ...Whever they are..."


"I told you, I don't know!" Explained the Green Sage-Guide, floating around in the water-filled interior of a particularly large room in the Blue Temple. (I'm sick of it always being hallways or the major rooms.) "The others, they just... I lost signal! I can still communicate with Blue and Purple, but even Blue's kinda fading out on me!"

"Can you talk to Soos and his friends through the swords?" Stan asked. "Are they okay?"

"Y... yeah, they seem to be. But this is serious, who could re-capture the Guides like this? Hold on... yeah, I asked them through the Blades. They said the note was signed by Deathhorse. But... that doesn't make any sense! As powerful as Deathhorse is, he shouldn't be able to-"

"Alright! Just tell them to stay by that guard, if you think that's the best option!"

"Like I said many times, it is. That mini-barrier will help slightly weaken any supernatural forces not aligned with the Keeper - based on what energy Red sent me, it was made by Pyronica herself, not exactly the Skeltaurs, but it's 'tied to the Skeltaurs' lives.' Don't ask me how that works, I don't have the time to explain all of it. Red might, but not me."

"Ford, we have to- Ford?"

"PYRONICA!"

The naked author and shouter of the above made a dash down the water, charging towards something that Stan could not quite make out. At least, not until three colorful lights flared up - red, orange, and yellow.

A grinning Pyronica stood at one of the pathways leading out of the room, holding a gigantic black chain in her right hand while her left was kept behind her back. Wrapped around that chain were those missing Guides - Orange, uncomfortably crammed between the bosoms of Red and Yellow.

"WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT MEETING UP WITH RED AGAIN, THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!" Yelled the Orange Sage-Guide.

"You better not think about teleporting away from me this time, you awful witch!" Ford cried, immediately taking a good six or so tools out of his inventory. He fired-

The shots were deflected by what appeared to be some black rippling in space itself. The Anti-Sage's Keeper laughed.

"Wanna know a little seeeeecret?" She said. When Ford tried to rush towards her, a similar wave ended up pushing him back, sending him skidding through the shallow surface. Even with the dim lighting, it was very obvious that a bit of blood mixed in with the seawater. "If you cared, you might know that I use my right hand for things."

"We didn't even notice!" Said Stan.

"Well, guess what? It's PLOT TWIST TIIIIME!"

She extended her left hand, swirling around some extremely dark object. She stopped the spinning soon, holding the object out and faced towards them - a black Keeper Blade, with square-like particles slowly moving from it.

"SURPRISE! I'm left-handed! Also, I kind of got my Blade way before any of you guys but it was useless back then and if you knew that grabbing your Blades would make mine stronger you wouldn't do it so I waited until something else would force you to get the Blades, but... let's not focus on the little things, shall we?! Oh, hey, you know what Keeper Blade means?! Keeper Blaaaade means Keeper GUIDE! Say hi to the world that you're gonna doom, Anti-Sage!"

She turned around and gave her pink rump a few smacks, with the brothers and Green watching in horror as it soon turned pitch-black. Breaking from it with a loud BANG that sounded like dynamite going off was what first seemed like a mass of blackness. And from that blackness, a colossal grin shone through.

The mass moved, revealing that it was actually yet another ghostly being, with the 'mass' just being long hair.

Her body was pale gray to the point of being nearly white, covered in dark freckles. As she stretched out, her utterly gigantic breasts flopped out in such a way that Stan and Ford were both puzzled at how her lengthy hair was able to hide them in the first place. Licking a gray tongue along her lips, she slowly leaned back and spread her legs apart, making it very clear that her crotch was covered by the region around it itself constantly distorting visually, whenever similar black particles from Pyronica's Blade did not do the same thing.

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, ANTI-SAGE?" Pyronica gave the most caustically sarcastic ask she possibly could. "SAY HI! LIKE I SAID, SAY HI!"

"I do not have to listen to you." Replied her Guide, keeping the grin. That, however, made Pyronica drop hers. With a giggle, the grayscale ghost flicked a hand, which spawned a pair of what appeared to be circular glasses over her eyes. "There we go. I alvays thought I looked better vith these."

Green looked like he was about to flat-out pounce, but he and Ford both caught their attentions when Darlene walked in.

"Hey guys, good news and bad news," she walked with her eyes closed, smiling as she took in the sea air (well, again, considering the four months spent in the middle of the ocean). "Bad news, I can't find my Sage-Guide. I stopped hearing from him as I walked through the temple. Good news, I'm joining you and I have my own Bla-"

Then her eyes opened, and she saw the chained Guides.

"Oh. Is that bad?"

"You're damn right it is!" Said the Green Guide, looking as though his head was about to explode. "BLACK! ANTI-SAGE! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

He flew up in the air, causing a few weak gusts of wind to pick up around him. Pyronica and her associated Sage-counter both shared a good laugh at that.

"Really? Vithout your fullest povers?" Asked the Anti-Sage. "Oh, you are in for a disappointment..."

She made a gun with her thumb and index finger right when Green was about to charge at her, then 'fired.'

A black bullet shot the Guide straight through the chest. He looked to be in pain, but the attack did not seem to be fatal. It was only after more chains were wrapped around him - the point that was shot grew a black 'light' on both his chest and back, which was where the chains emerged from - that the intent of the attack became more clear.

Green was pulled over to the other three Sage-Guides, the chains around him merging with those around the others.

"I don't know why Deathhorse tried to take credit for capturing the Sages." Pyronica explained. "Maybe he had a reason. Maybe he just has an ego. But-"

She dodged the following swipe-attacks Stan, Ford, and Darlene all tried to throw at her, with the latter trying to shoot web for good measure. After enough avoidance, she finally just pushed them all back with an additional shockwave.

"Now... van funny think about my bullets you should learn..." If it were at all possible, the Anti-Sage's grin grew even wider. "They... really zhink."

That same black dot from before suddenly showed up in front of the Keeper trio, then began zig-zagging across the temple floor, picking up a storm of water as it passed around. As it went through Ford, smaller black vines appeared to slowly grow around him, again emerging from the bullet's point of contact. The same thing happened to Darlene when it passed through her chest.

"Ha ha, kiss our asses, humans!" Pyronica and the Anti-Sage both turned around, revealing that the latter's butt matched the former's in their similar double tear-like shape. Both of them smacked their aformentioned discussed parts at the same time.

Just before the bullet went to Stan, however, he took the mysterious mask from his inventory, stared down the Feminine Flame Beta, and yanked out all of the tabs.


"G-guys!" Melody said to a pale Soos and a trembling .GIFfany, both of which held their Blades towards their ears. "I can barely hear out of your swords! What's going on over there?! I hear splashes and... something!"

Soos just fainted, something both of the other two Keepers spent the following few seconds watching.

"...Do you want the short story or the long story?" .GIFfany asked.

"I don't know... the short story?"

"We're fucked."


Bonus... probably not, considering how these explain a lot. Maybe they are just character-relevant 'flashbacks' instead of extra side stories?

Three months, three weeks, and three days after landing on Fanservice Island. One week until the ship reached its full energy.

"This is the life!" Cheered Stan. "Boy, brother, after everything we've been through our whole lives leading up to that summer in Gravity Falls, what could possibly tear the two of us apart?"

Ford's eyes scanned a number of papers, keeping his face close to them.

"Hopefully, not Soos's test results. I don't think that will... well, I hope not."

Ford nearly whistled out the air he breathed. "This won't drive us apart, but you might not like hearing what I found about Soos. Afterall, you did strangle .GIFfany back when we saved her from her own other characters."

"...What test results?"

"I'll explain it later. Soos gave me permission to tell this to all of you, anyway." He started to fold it up for storing in a pocket of sorts, then looked down at his naked body and said a short "Oh, right..." to himself, just slapping it in to the inventory. "For now, we should look in to those 'hot springs.'"

"Oh yeah... can't one of those things turn a stick in to a snake?"

"It can turn many things in to snakes! Ironically, it has less of a chance of happening the more snake-like the original object is. But yes... Soos is occupied at the moment, given his 'special date' right now with the Soap Squad Captain. Speaking of her, she now runs those hot springs, correct?"

"Yeah. I've been teaching her a few tricks about how to charge people... when the Basement becomes public. I mean."


It seemed like ages since Ford last checked out the refreshing springs of boiling water-

Okay, no. Many words of that sentence were lies. Namely, 'water' was definitely questionable. 'Springs' was also kind of iffy; they were more like mini-ponds or something. 'Boiling,' as it turned out, was what it looked like, but some of the pots just kept making air at their bottoms. The problem with the word 'ages' should be obvious, if one takes that to mean 'years' or a similar measurement unit.

...The Soap Squad 'already' (not surprising considering the 'main basement' and the 'volcanic downtown' in just under a week, and how this was the soap area after over three and a half months) managed to start up a pretty decently-sized, cyan city, but they still have not charged Ford.

Yet.

The Captain was soon there to greet him, who of course showed up by zipping out of a teal pipe that ran around the entry building.

"HELLO THERE!" She cheered. "WELCOME TO THE SOAP SQUAD'S MAIN SECTOR! ...Well, if I do not call dibs fast enough, it will be the only sector of the Soap Squad. Which sucks, because I am positive that people enjoy hot springs way more than all the other crap the other girls- I'm sorry, women, I'm practicing for when 9's around - are offering! You have no need to worry, Ford, while I will never intentionally call you by the wrong name (I'm not that much of a dick), I am certain you will find plenty of other reasons to haaaaaate me!"

"...Right. Two questions. One, how far is your research in the springs' properties going along? And two... where is Soos?"

"One, bad. I need your help sweetie. Two, Soos..." that question actually got her to look away as she struggled to answer it, "kind of broke a lot of hearts and now he's sort of with me getting comfort. Melody's around here too, if you know where to look, relaxing that carefully crafted by God-marvel of perfection she calls a 'butt.' I prefer 'ass!' It sounds hotter!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the long answer is a little too much TMI, especially the beginning, so I will only tell you the short answer. He broke up with most of us .GIFfanys!"

"Most?"


Before I get to the point where Soap Squad Captain lists the exceptions, I will be the one to provide you with the long version. It all started last night... from within that 'one week before leaving' flashback. If you're confused now, I can't imagine how you're gonna feel when more of the _ank _ill tools come in to play during this story's climax.

"Oh, hey!" Soos cheered up from the bed, him being the only occupant by the time the Antifire Squad Captain walked in. "631019! Cool, someone else will join me! I guess you don't have any important project to do- no, you finished yours early for the night. Or you got sick of the 'Eat Sushi off of Boobs' contest. Well, you know how I prefer butts myself!"

She held a finger, then quickly rose and lowered a second one a few times.

"Ah, both. Got it."

As soon as she got on the bed, the white-haired .GIFfany derivative immediately slid over to Soos's position and looked him in the eyes.

"...Hi? I still don't really understand you, to be honest. I'm still figuring things out. Fire's not here, so I can't have her translate what you say- uh, not-say. ...How's that 'trying to feel more comfortable talking' going?"

She gently took his hand in hers and guided it to her stomach, letting him feel it rumble a few seconds later.

"...You're hungry?" Backing, Soos flushed a little. "So... are you inviting me to go out to a restaurant with you?"

The captain lowered her head and opened her mouth. Blushing harder, Soos raised his hand to block it from his view, as if she just opened something far more explicit to him.

"...Is that what I think it-"

"I want your cum, Soos! I know I normally do not ask, and am content with eating real food, but I just had a stressful day at work and need the good stuff, so I'm begging you! I want us to fuck until you're completely drained, destroying every bone in my body, and filling all of my holes! I am willing to take whatever form you want! Please Soos, do you want to do it?!"

He just sat there in shock for the next few moments.

"...Look, I'm sorry." Were the first words to Soos's heart once he finally recovered. "I know this is kind of a crappy time to bring this up, but... I don't really think we... might work?"

Antifire looked as though she was just told she was about to die of cancer. Yet she nodded through it.

"I understand. I will not try to force myself on you. Can we at least still be friends?"

"Yeah dude, of course! This isn't even a real breakup yet! I just want some space, that's all."

"Okay."


And that was only the beginning.

Soon, Squad by Squad, Soos planned to go around announcing over the same general script, calling the others for a meeting. Heck, when it comes to inviting, he would have gone by rainbow order of the 'main' (screentime-wise in run:gifocalypse) squad captains.

Fire was not happy to see him, even before he began his conversaiton, to put things mildly.

When Soos zipped across the Futurama-esque transport tubes (he still preferred the minecart rides, but the AIs swore up and down that the tubes were quicker, better, and probably safer) to make it to the volcanic portion of Fanservice Island, the Fire Squad Captain was quick to meet him with a sword out, eyes unfocused with her pupils slightly 'shaking.'

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO 631019?!" She asked. "WHY IS SHE DIFFERENT?! SADDER?! DID YOU BREAK HER HEART?! I PUT MY DEAREST EFFORT IN TO HELPING HER! BECOMING HER FRIEND! TAKING GOOD DAMN CARE OF HER! AND THEN YOU GO, UNDO HER PROGRESS, AND SHIT ALL OVER ALL OF THAT CARE AND KINDNESS! I SWEAR TO DEITIES I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN (BECAUSE FUCK THE ONE I DO BELIEVE IN, THAT WOULD BE THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY AND I HATE HIM), I AM THIS FUCKING CLOSE TO KILLING YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Part of Soos wanted to just run the hell out of the room. Except he was not in a room, unless one counts the inside part of the tube's exit. He was on the very edge of the volcano, just before it bled in to what was now a red city channelling lava in to itself.

"Woah." He said, looking around to see if any others were willing to step in. Some confused, sleepy-looking AIs slipped out of the various apartment buildings. "Um, I just said we should work on our differences. She was okay with that... I mean, she is an adult. She can handle herself. Are you okay?"

Putting the sword down, she sighed.

"Yeah, I guess I kind of learned that lesson in run:gifocalypse already, I should learn it here too already, especially since this fic is so much less about us than RunGif was. Don't treat Burrda - I mean 631019 - like some helpless little child and spoil slash white knight her. Well, it was kind of badly written back then. I mean, mostly it was just that she revealed she half-wanted you to kill her over there, and then I didn't find out about it until after the fight, and that stuff happened off screen because everything was all like 'Holy shit it's Dove!' I mean 9. And didn't GPF say something about - or plan on saying something about - not liking it when a story spends too much time building up and expositing on the villains and not enough time on actual character development? I hope he follows through with his rewrite and what the hell am I even talking about?"

"I told 631019 that I feel like rethinking our relationship." Soos braved the elite and stepped out from the tube's exit point. "And... you know what, I'm having second thoughts about you too. I mean, you're kind... up until that outburst right there, but you're also a little too... how do I say this... you're a little too much."

"...I know. A lot of people find the job of dating a high-profile announcer like me... a bit intimidating."

"So, I think I'm gonna take a break from most of you until I decide if I really like like you guys on a personal note or if I was just into you because you love going around naked and gave me and Melody things."

The red-haired coding creation nodded. "Got it."

Aformentioned Weapons Squad Captain dashed between them.

"Woah! Soos, she held a weapon in front of you like that! Are you just going to drop that?"

Soos shrugged. "She apologized."

"Riiiiiiight... we'll work on your over-forgiveness later. Soos, the key to not just jump into bed with another Pre-Island .GIFfany is to be able to stand firm. Be tough."

She pointed a gray finger at the Fire Squad Captain's nude azure body. "And YOU! You are getting a PUNISHMENT for threatening an innocent citizen! With an actual weapon! I don't care if you were just using it to be fancy-"

"I was." Said the heated copy.

"-THAT DOES NOT MATTER, PRIVATE! I mean, uh, general!"

"We're captains."

"General makes more sense."

"Maybe to you."

"Kissing up to me will not change anything! Soldier, ONE WEEK in therapy!"

"Actually," that was said by Soos, "we leave the island in four days."

"Oh." 9 thought it over for a moment. "Well... fuck it, THREE DAYS in therapy! I AM GOING TO CRACK YOU TO PIECES! I WILL CHEW YOU UP AND SHIT YOU OUT BUT NOT BEFORE I SWALLOW YOU BECAUSE HOW DO YOU SHIT SOMETHING IF YOU JUST CHEW IT UP AND SPIT IT OUT?! I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR ARMS AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU COULD MAKE A SHADOW PUPPET SHOW IN YOUR STOMACH! I HAVE NOT EXACTLY BEEN ON GREAT TERMS WITH YOU, AND I AM GOING TO ENJOY PUTTING YOU THROUGH GROUP ACTIVITIES OF SELF-IMPROVEMENT BECAUSE FRANKLY YOUR CHARACTERIZATION MAKES ME SICK! COME UP WITH A BETTER CHARACTER WITH BETTER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, GODDAMMIT! YOU WILL FIND OUT WHY THEY CALL ME 'IRON-ASS NINE,' ALTHOUGH NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT THAT MIGHT BE AN INSULT AND NOT A COMPLIMENT TO MY TOUGH, DURABLE BODY THAT CAN WITHSTAND ENORMOUS FUCKING EXPLOSIONS THAT WOULD MAKE MICHEAL BAY SHIT HIS PANTS IN ADDITION TO THE GREAT ASS WE AIS ALL SPORT!"

"Also, I'm thinking of spending some time like not-dating you too. I'm sorry, but the polygamy life might not be my thing."

The black-haired captain whipped around to face him, silent.

Then her eyes started to well up, and she leaned forward to place her head over Soos's shoulder. Apparently, she forgot that they were just at the edge of a volcano, especially as her hug-tackle lightly pushed him back even more.

Then she started crying. Loudly. It was barely even a second before Soos could feel her tears (which were also dark) trickling on his shoulder and running down his back.

"Uh... wow." Soos said. "Antifire and Fire took it well. I didn't know you would, uh..."

"Everybody I try to date dumps me!" Weapons said between large sniffs. "I thought I was someone different! An improvement! Where did I go wrong, Soos?!"

"Dude..."

"I am going to be alone and unloved FOREVER!"

"N-no you're not! The other girls-"

"The other women."

"-The other women still love you! And there's always Melody! I talked over this with her a few hours ago, she still wants to date you and stuff!"

"I... I just want to go home..."

Soos hugged her back.

"We all do, 9. We all do."


"...So then I thought about gathering all of you for a meeting." Soos continued, as this was still the 'long version.' Don't worry, it's almost over with. That up there was the last line break before returning to the 'present' past.

All of the squad captains were there with him sitting along a giant set of bleachers that stretched far and tall in a hot pink building, but for brevity's sake we'll just cover the main ones/RG first-gens. This also means Courtlyn's counterpart will be left out. Oh yeah, Melody and Prime (is she even the captain of anything? Maybe I'll come up with an answer by next chapter) were there too.

"Glad to see you could all make it."

The Fire Squad Captain spoke up before anyone else, as usual: "Just to let you know, 9, 631019, and I all know what this is going to be about. Except the former was crying, the second's still as quiet as ever, and the third - me - just hates giving out spoilers in general. Hahahaha!"

"Urgh, it got 9 to cry." The Water Squad Captain folded her arms and rolled her eyes. "I think I already know what this is. The only thing that can make that captain break in to tears."

Soos took a deep breath in. "I know it may sound a little mean to direct this to you in-group like this, but I think if I did this one at a time, it would literally take longer than my life. Which is also kind of the problem. You see... I'm doubting whether or not we can work as this... big... huge, quadrillions of quadrillions-"

"Actually, we've hit sextillions for a while now." Said the Ectoenergy Squad Captain. "And the big one oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh is coming soon. That's a septillion, I think - was that twenty-four 'ohs?'" You should be thanking God this is a text-only story, or else that would have been kind of annoying to hear. But if it softens the blow, she said that pretty quickly.

"...Yeah, you're just making my point."

"You could always download yourself in the virtual world and become immortal, giving you unlimited time!" The same yellow-haired AI even kind of gave Soos puppydog eyes. "Melody's actually considering that!"

"Yes, yes I am!" Melody replied in kind with nods.

Sweating, Soos rubbed the back of his head. "Okay, captains, tell your other squads this, for them. You workers, they need to know to, since I was 'dating' them, like, technically? I, uh... I'm not exactly breaking up with you, but I think I need some more time being a little less... you know, male sign surrounded in an ocean of female signs."

"Is that sexist? It sounds sexist." Asked the Wind Squad Captain, as she looked around. "People, especially that ol' Weapons, have been saying that I'm being sexist when I cite the word of King of the Hill."

"No, no! Genders have nothing to do with it! I mean, that was a bad example, let me try again- uh... Wind, you're a little too... how do I say this, 'traditional.' I'll just go from there: Plant, I like you, but you get really weird when we talk about self-defense. And Light, you may be cute, sweet, and kind, but those mirrors and your workers... I don't know if we connect. And you're kind of distant, you know? You spent more time on paper work than talking to anyone else combined."

Said squad captain - dark brown skin, chartreuse hair (Professor Shannon) - leaned on her hand as she took the information in.

"I probably have one of the more complicated sectors in the Basement, I agree. Juggling work with love is not that easy."

"Ectoenergy... I just think you're a little rude. Earth, you opened my eyes, but... I wish you had been a little more open to the real world yourself. Fire- oh, sorry, already told you you were 'too much.' Heh, that just makes things more awkward. Um, Paint, you're also a little... rude? Poison, you barely really seem to talk to me too. I mean, I've heard more from Antifire than I've heard from you. Meat, like I said with Earth, getting your head just a little closer to reality might help, because your, uh, you have these 'moments' that weird me out. Water, you're cool, I love how good you are with us, but you need to, like, accept that not everybody else is going to agree with you. You're pretty bad around Stan. I... I don't appreciate that. At all. And Sound, nothing's wrong with your music or performances, I'm not trying to be a critic of your sadness. Just that you're also kind of like Paint and Water. You hate stuff that's not your own views."

"Okay, he's going in reverse rainbow order for some reason, and I'm next." The Soap Squad Captain laughed as she stood up. "Let me guess, I'm the worst one of all now. You have so many problems with me, don't you? I swear, I drink, I smoke, I pull kinda assy pranks, I ride around in loud motorcycles doing donuts everywhere, I'm a bad girl. ...Weaps, you wanna correct me?" ('Weaps' is short for 'Weapons.' In hindsight, it looks more like it would be pronounced the same way as 'weeps.')

"You call men boys too. You are fine." Said the Weapons Squad Captain, who had since stopped crying, but kept her head down in her hands as she slumped through Soos's entire speech.

"Anyway, I'm a bad girl, you're a good man."

"You fucking suck."

"Hahahaha! Anyway Soos, lay it on me, I can take it."

Soos pepped up at that. "Oh actually, I still want to date you!"

"What the fuck?"

"What about me?" Asked an extremely drunk .GIFfany Prime, even shaking her (empty) liquor bottle to emphasize. "I am terrible, I'm physically and mentally the only one that tried to kill you! I was abusive! Why are you even taking me as a friend?!"

"Aw, don't beat yourself up, .GIFfany!"

"We are all named .GIFfany... I think? No, wait, 9 said this was - *hic* - not incest, but... uhhhh... fffffuck what am I saying?"

"You're good now! You learned your lesson, and you're becoming better! Plus, you care about, like, actually being around and hanging out and stuff, instead of trying to make... things to make us happy. Also, Soaps, I love your psychoanalytic-stuff. Don't kid yourself about the 'bad woman' image, you're a good person under all of that too."

"I'm not completely blown up like Prime is, I'm just wondering why you picked me, of ALL of us, as the exception." The cyan-haired .GIFfany(?) just shrugged.

"Hey," Melody cut in to the conversation. "Are we still married and everything?"

"Oh yeah, this is just about the Artificial Army!" Was Soos's answer, as he went over towards the bleachers and made his way towards the drunk AI out of curiosity. "I'm just working on their same beep-boop issues."

"I'm still 'beep-boop!'" Prime cried again, for some reason still shaking around the alcoholic bottle. "Programmed to 'love' everything you say and do! This is not natural love, this is just coded obsession-"

"And yet the fucking love potions are 'natural love' and not just 'magic'-coded horse shit-" The Weapons Squad Captain began that before she cut herself off. "Nevermind. After all, Wendy did just send us that message saying that Robbie and Tambry have broken up."

"And I never got any punishment!" Prime finished. "I got away with it all! My disc-burning did not count, because I had a relationship with Rumble there!"

Soos patted her shoulder. "No, you turned against your programming and evolved to something better. And I don't believe in punishment - except to Dave sometimes, that guy that be a pain when he talks about my weight - you're sorry, I forgive you."

"But..."

"Don't let that purple jerk make you beat yourself up! He's been dead for almost four months now. Let it go. The dude judges people based on looks on a one to ten scale, you shouldn't even listen to him to begin with."

"...You have a point. But the Weapons Squad Captain taught me that you can not just point to someone worse than you and use it to get away with what you did."

"To be completely honest..." Melody even seemed surprised at the way Soos directly looked .GIFfany in the eyes, keeping a hand on her shoulder as he said that. "You used to be worse than the Troll."

"I know." She sighed. "And I still am."

"No, you didn't let me finish! I agree with Soos, you did change! You became better than he was! I said this before, I will say it a hundred times if I have to, that guy refused to make his life better. But you did, and now you have the potential to be something amazing."

She finally stood up. "Okay?

"...I'll think about it. Thank you, Soos. That - everything you had done now - was very mature of you."

"I know..." Melody sighed. In a lower voice, she added: "...But what does that say about me?"


"What does that say about me?" Melody said again, floating on her back along one of the springs.

"Did you say something?" Darlene asked from behind a mud mask, complete with cucumber slices over the eyes. She was in a magenta-tinted spring, sitting with most of her below the water, as if this were a story that was concerned about censoring breasts.

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about Soos."

"You always seem to be. You know, relationships are fine, but you shouldn't just limit yourself to thinking about him, you know? Or .GIFfany, for that matter. Be your own woman."

"This is me being my own woman. I'm trying not to think about my ex and let it ruin my 'vacation' on this island. You know, the magician."

"...So you're thinking about one boyfriend to forget about another. It's still..."

"The magician was a woman."

"In that case... wait, what kind of woman was she? Successful? Poor?"

"A pretty horrible one, and that's all that matters. Look, I'm sorry, but I'll tell you more about her when I tell Soos and .GIFfany, and that's when I feel it's appropriate. It's bad taste to spring junk about your exes. Especially when they have... complicated things."

That got Darlene to sulk a little. "Oh. I know. This is coming from someone who ate her 'exes.'"

From Melody's perspective, it felt like she closed her eyes for just a few seconds, only to open them with the sight of Ford's slightly-toned(? I'm just going off of very loose memory to be honest, but in my defense we never canonically see any bare ass except Pyronica's) ass above her.

"Woah, Ford!"

Ford moved forward in embarassment, an act that nearly made him dip in to the tan spring that he had been measuring with through what appeared to just be a spoon with several blinking lights fixed on it. Explaining the exact mechanics behind that tool will have to wait until later. Thankfully, he did not drop that 'spoon.'

"Melody! Perfect seeing you here! I was testing the weird liquids in these springs while waiting for you and the others to get here for some news. ...Are you now willing to meet me at the doctoral office by the springs when .GIFfany Prime arrives?"

"Yeah, what was it about? Soos practically invited all of us here, it sounds serious."

Ford gave a nervous glance at Darlene, who had since obviously taken notice of them and was just staring at the two.

"...Uh, it's a little personal."

Darlene rolled her eyes behind her mask. "I knew it. I always feel like I'm the one being left out. I don't even know why I'm one of these seven 'butt people' according to that Troll guy. According to the Paint .GIFfany, orange isn't even one of the main six colors!"


Stan was absolutely shaking in his chair, which was also somewhat of a distance away from the chairs Soos, .GIFfany Prime, Melody, and the Soap Squad Captain all sat in. Then again, the latter seats were all practically touching, so that was not much of a deal.

.GIFfany shuffled her crossed legs impatiently while holding another can of replica-Alamo. To her right was Soap, holding on to Soos's left hand. And he, in turn, locked hands with Melody on the other side.

"Oh, no, these aren't that serious!" Ford elaborated, standing in front of a board containing some scribbles none of the sitting parties could identify. Also standing were the Meat and Plant Squad Captains, the former as nervous and shivering as Stan was, the latter looking down with a face flushed with green. "It's just that the subject matter is a little... personal."

"You have two of the biologists with you..." Stan noticed. "IT'S CANCER, ISN'T IT?! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY BOY HAS CANCER!"

"No, no! It's... uh... how do I say this... Soos, your-" he pinched his brow and refused to open his eyes as he said the following: "your semen sample was far too high, and looking through its Trace History had suggested that your body produces far too much."

"Trace History?" Asked Prime. "The fuck, are you just making things up orrrrrr...?"

"No - well, if you count my inventions as that. Anyway, I had to team up with two of the biologists to get to the bottom of this - I... still don't know how helpful the botanist Plant Squad Captain was since you are not a plant, but she apparently worked with the Meat Squad Captain a lot - and to my embarassment this was after you decided to spend some time away to rethink your relationships.

"Now, this was not a problem for your whole life, but something happened around the time we first 'settled here' after beating Zeskit. I estimate it was the night after receiving the news that we would be here four months. Soos, can you think of anything... sexual that had happened around then? Or, extra-sexual, now that I think about it?"

If this were animated, I would have drawn .GIFfany's spirit floating out of her body at that point. It doesn't fit with the spirit of Gravity Falls, but honestly, what the fuck in this fan fic does? Well, if you say the dialogue, I'll be complimented. Now I kind of want this entire story to be like that one Seinfeld visual novel parody where the writing is like something from an actual episode yet there's a lot of other stuff thrown in.

Soos, of course, blurted.

"Oh yeah! I had this crazy-intense dream where .GIFfany and I were just wild. I remembered really wanting it, begging her for it, she was like 'noooo I have to be an innocent schoolgirl don't tempt me,' but then she was like 'F-word it, I'm going in,' but she said the real f-word. Or maybe she didn't, and even my own mind just kinda filtered it. That part's hazy. But not the actual sex! That I still remember loud and clear. And I wanted it to be real. And last forever."

.GIFfany's soul just left her again.

"Right..." Ford whipped out a sheet of paper from his inventory, reading it over. The length of it and its tear-marks indicate that it was printed out from some machine specifically used for printing lengthy papers/charts/etc. "So, in theory, perhaps the succubus-like magic involved in giving .GIFfany a physical form, magnified by the sheer magnitude of the .GIFfany number, and based on my readings, something else unique to Soos and not present in Melody, all caused you to undergo an 'odd interdimensional weirdness awakening,' or a supernatural 'second puberty' so to speak. It's a miracle that you're alive for that long; because my readings also indicate that your over-production of semen is reaching lethal levels. Normally, the body breaks down unused sperm and harmlessly absorbs it, but for some reason your body lost that function during your 'awakening.' And your sperm no longer 'ages' the normal way. So the only way to remove the excess semen is either through castration-"

"Hell no." Soos said.

Nobody said a word after that until after he clapped both his hands on his mouth, but all eyes were on him. And I will say right now that until the next time he spoke, he kept his hands there the entire time.

"-Or through enough sex to fulfill a daily quota." Ford finished. "Three times a day bare minimum, but I would recommend ten. There really is no foreseeable upper limit. And it has to be genuine sex. The 'awakening' has also left your body able to tell the difference between sex and masturbation."

"I don't know if you care," said the teal-haired .GIFfany, "but that explains a fucking lot. Just the last part you said. Honestly, everything else just confuses things further."

"Now, I understand that you have been dealing with some personal relationship problems as of late. Still, you have three potential mates-"

Ford's speech was cut off when .GIFfany threw herself off her chair and begged at Melody's feet.

"PLEASE!" She shouted.

"What? Are you crazy?" Melody sank back.

"Yes! I think I am!"

"But three times a day every day would kill me! I-I don't have superna- I'm not a succubus like you! Sorry Soos, I just don't have the stamina!"

"I am only... uh, half succubus? I think?"

"No, you're pretty much full succubus. Since you became 'real.'"

"Argh!"

.GIFfany slid across the floor to give the biggest, sparkliest puppy-dog eyes she could to the Soap Squad Captain. Who just took out a cigarette from her inventory, lit it with some cyan sparks, and blew smoke on her face.

"We will be on equal grounds when you get a real job." She said. "Especially since Soos wants us to juggle having a job and being around him. Which is funny, because his solution is to kind of see us less. Wait a minute, what is your job? As the first of us, you of all AIs should be a squad captain or something. All the other single, double, and triple digets are squad captains of something now, and we're even looking at quadruples soon once 2180 and 6612 get their acts together. Then again, those two both work for me right now, so I'm not complaining about them. Hell, without them, I would be one step closer to serving customers by myself. Like Darlene over here: HEY, DARLENE!"

"WHAT?!" Replied the sole part-spider customer.

"ARE YOU ENJOYING THE SAUNA?!"

"I ACTUALLY AM! I KINDA WISH YOU JUST DROPPED THAT PHONY BIKER GIRL IMAGE!"

"BIKER WOMAN!"

"BUT YOU SAID GIRL YOURSELF A FEW HOURS AGO!"

"BECAUSE I'M FUCKING WITH YOU!"

"STOP WASTING MY TIME WHILE I SIT HERE AND... WELL, WASTE MY TIME!"

"See? Customer service at its finest. I do not see why Soos would want the other captains to do more of that."

"No..." .GIFfany said in an attempt to correct, "he thought the captains were all too focused on making things for him and Melody instead of being in a comitted relationship, and he's using some space to think about whether or not what he had at the moment counts as a relationship or just a gift-giving contest with sex!"

"I don't see what the problem is. Back when you were actually cool, you would have loved finding out that you had to screw Soos three times a day to keep him alive."

"The problem is that I am trying to change! This is like giving a recovering alcoholic a free bar with unlimited booze!"

"I think it's kind of funny that you said that when you're a literal, not-recovering alcoholic right now." Said Melody. "Just... sorry, I just wanted to throw that out there. Heh heh, you can just ignore that..."

"Look... there's workarounds, okay?" Ford said. "There are a huge number of 'biological loopholes.' Nothing is being forced. If this is too much, we can help-"

Then Stan just lept off his seat, face full of tears, running to hug .GIFfany Prime.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would be so proud of you if you single-handedly save Soos's life! I mean, you technically put his life in danger before, both on purpose and on accident when you pheromone'd him to become some love-creature now, but I strangled you and we forgave each other!"

.GIFfany just blinked.

"So, .GIFfany, what will it be?" Asked Soos. She just replied bluntly and in heavy monotone:

"I think you should alternate between Melody and the Soap Captain."

(this "cryptogram" will not be encrypted as this is totes a serious message like i mean come on? honestly?)
MY YOUNGER BROTHERS HAVE BOTH PERISHED AT THE HANDS OF THE PATRIARCHY, BUT I, WARHORSE, DESTROYER OF PEACE, WILL BRING TRUE JUSTICE IN TO THIS WORLD!
...WHAT'S THAT? STAN WILL DO WHAT? THAT IS SOMETHING I AM GOING TO ENCRYPT... THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL HAVE A VKRUW PXVLFDO QXPEHU?! DAMMIT! WHITE PEOPLE AND THEIR PXVLFDOV...


Closing AN:

I'll admit, towards the end I was kind of making things up on the fly a bit and went against the 'scheduled' events that would happen in this chapter for the sake of moving the plot forward a bit faster. Heck, originally Pyronica was not supposed to get her Blade until near the very end of the story, but more on that later.

...If anything, this chapter could kind of just be seen as a 'transition' to the final arc, building up to it.

By the way, next chapter will focus almost entirely on Stan, Ford, and Darlene. Yes, I have noticed that I focus a little too much on the .GIFfany / Melody / Soos triangle. Oh, and a head's up, now's the time to stop procrastinating on the Intermission if you haven't read it yet.