You can blame this chapter on me playing Phoenix Wright for four hours straight today. XD Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoy! :3 Anyone who spots the South Park reference gets a cookie! And once again, it's around one in the morning, so sorry for any grammar errors. D:

Disclaimer: I don't own Left 4 Dead or Left 4 Dead 2 in any way, shape, or form! I only own my own OC and the plot of the story. Commander of the Rabbids owns Sam. Sorrowsnow owns Calli. Zipper Whippersnapper owns Jeffry. Foxstar-Nikiu owns Valery. CozBlueX owns Claire. Breaking Ground owns Mike. Scorpion 123456 owns Clawer.

Another special disclaimer: I don't own the used lines from Sherlock Holmes. :3

…...

"We brought some more dead cow from the food store over there. But it smells sort of weird," Hunter said as he and Smoker walked into the alley, only having just retrieved some more food. Everyone in the alley seemed a bit more subdued than usual.

"What's up, guys?" Smoker asked, seeming a bit confused as to what's going on.

"There's been a crime here in the alley," Taunter told him.

"A crime?" Smoker asked.

"Yeah. A murder," Mike said nonchalantly.

"A what?" Hunter shouted. "There was really a murder?"

"No. Not really," Mike grinned, and Hunter grumbled something incoherently.

"But something did happen," Boomer cut in. "The hat that Jeffry usually wears has gone missing."

"So?" Hunter asked. "Can't you get another one?"

"No, I can't. It was special," Jeffry replied quietly. "I didn't take it off, but when I woke up, it was just gone."

"Huh…that's weird. Who would want to take your hat?" Smoker wondered aloud.

"Well, that's why I thought that we could ask for your help, Smoker," Boomer explained. "Remember that one time when we lost Hunter's-"

"I did not lose it, a Common stole it!" Hunter interjected.

"Whatever you say," Boomer shrugged. "Either way, you're the one who found it, Smoker. You're pretty good at figuring things out."

"You really expect me to be a detective again?" Smoker sighed.

"You were a detective?" Calli asked with a smile.

"Yeah, for about two days or something."

"Will you take the case?" Valery asked, also seeming concerned for Jeffry.

"Yeah, I really miss my hat," Jeffry added. "Not wearing my hat feels just about as bad as missing an arm or a leg, to me at least."

"Pfft. Doubt it," Hunter shook his head, entering the alley to put the meat into the safe room.

"Well, since everyone is getting so gloomy about it and stuff…" Smoker paused. "I guess I'll take the case. But I can't really say that I'll find your hat. First, I need to get something." Smoker passed by Hunter as he left the safe room, going inside and digging around inside a box. "Ah, here it is." Smoker exited the safe room, now sporting a wooden pipe instead of a cigarette.

"You really kept that old thing?" Hunter asked, surprised.

"Alright, if he has the pipe, he means business," Boomer smiled.

"I'm going to need a note taker," Smoker announced, holding his pipe in a very detective-like way.

"Me! Me! Me!" Calli shouted, waving her hand and tongue in the air. "Pick me!"

"Alright, Calli, you can help me out," Smoker nodded. "You can find a note pad and a pen or something in the room."

"Gotcha," Calli ran into the room, looking for the required items. Smoker turned out towards the rest of the alley.

"None of you can leave until I get this solved," he announced. "Anyone here could be the criminal, and I don't want whoever it is getting away."

"But it couldn't have been me," Hunter remarked. "I mean, I was with you, getting food, the whole time."

"Everyone is a suspect," Smoker answered him. "Even my assistant is a suspect."

"Aw, man!" Calli could be heard from inside the safe room. A minute later, she came out with a pad of crumpled paper and an pencil she had found.

"Okay, first off, describe the hat for us," Smoker said to Jeffry.

"But don't you know what it looks like? I'm always wearing it," Jeffry replied.

"Well…then, we can skip that part," Smoker said quickly. "Alright, on to the interrogations! Who's first?" He got no response. "Well, then, has anybody even seen Jeffry's hat?" Still no response. "Okay…I'll have to think about this for a while. Everyone, stay out here." Smoker went into the safe room, Calli following closely behind.

"Do you know who it is?" she asked.

"Well, first we need to think about motive," Smoker told her. "Who would have a reason to steal Jeffry's hat?"

"Well, no one would want it to wear it. It would be too small for them, right?" Calli guessed.

"Exactly," Smoker nodded. "So maybe whoever it was did it because they just don't like Jeffry. Who around here doesn't like Jeffry?"

"Well, I don't know. Everyone seems to like him. He's like a little brother."

"We've actually seen a lot of people be nice to him…" Smoker thought for a moment. "I know that Boomer, Taunter, you, me, and Valery don't hold grudges against Jeffry. And I'm pretty sure that Mike doesn't either, since he didn't seem annoyed at Jeffry or anything when we went to that drink shop a few days ago."

"So, that leaves…Hunter, Sam, Clawer, and Claire."

"And don't forget about Tank and Witch."

"They don't even know him, though."

"That's what they want you to think," Smoker said thoughtfully. "…At least, I think it is. Can you write down their names? No, wait, never mind that, writing stuff down is stupid. We don't need writing, we need action!" Smoker stepped outside. "We have a list of prime suspects. We're going to need to have you come in here one at a time to be interrogated. We'll need someone who's not on the list to go get Tank and Witch…how about you, Taunter?"

"Yay, I'm not a suspect!" Taunter cheered. "Alright, I'll go get them!" She stood up, making her way out of the alley.

"Who are the suspects?" Boomer asked.

"Hunter, Sam, Claire, Clawer, Witch, and Tank are all on our prime suspect list," Smoker replied.

"Smoker, I couldn't have done it!" Hunter insisted. "I was with you at the store when it happened!"

"Or maybe that's just what you want me to think."

"Uh…yeah. I do. 'Cause it's true!"

"Anyway, we're starting now!" Smoker said, ignoring Hunter. "First up, Sam."

"So, Sam," Smoker said once he, Calli, and Sam were situated in the safe room. "What do you think of the case?"

"Well, I guess that I want Jeffry to get his hat back," Sam shrugged. "I mean, I don't know who took it. Or how they could take it right off his head while he was sleeping, anyway."

"That's a good point…" Smoker said, thinking things over. "Only someone with acute control over their hands could have taken if off. You and Hunter, both being Hunter Infected, aren't that gentle with your hands."

"Well, no, I guess not," Sam shook his head.

"And Tank's hands would have been too big to do it…and Witch couldn't have done it because of her claws!"

"Nope, I guess not."

"Okay, you're off the list. We've narrowed things down to two suspects. Thanks, Sam," Smoker said, standing up. "Our last two suspects are Claire and Clawer, then."Well, I'm pretty sure that Claire didn't do it," Sam said as he started to leave. "Still, just go ahead doing your detective stuff."

"So, how'd it go?" Claire asked as Sam came out.

"I narrowed down the suspect list to two suspects," Sam smiled confidently.

"Show off," Hunter grumbled.

Smoker and Calli were still inside the safe room, talking things over.

"So, it's either Claire or Clawer, huh?" Calli said. "I wonder why one of them did it?"

"Well, Claire does like to organize things. Maybe his hat just seemed out of place. On his head. Yeah. And as for Clawer…well, I don't know why he would do it. I mean, he hardly talks. I don't really know him," Smoker concluded. "I think that we should investigate the scene of the crime."

"Alright, let's go!" Calli grinned.

"Okay, off to the crime scene!" Smoker declared, facing the door. The two of them paused. "Okay, we're here! Now, start looking around for clues and stuff." The two of them looked around the room, glancing into the different boxes and corners.

"Jeffry does sleep in here, right?" Smoker asked.

"Sometimes," Calli replied. "Let's go ask where he was when his hat went missing." The two of them walked outside, where the others were waiting.

"Hey, Jeffry, where were you sleeping when your hat got taken away?" Calli asked, preferring to doodle on her pad of paper now that she wasn't taking notes.

"I was sleeping out here, since the safe room got really stuffy," Jeffry replied. "The window was closed, and I couldn't really reach it to open it again, since it's so high up. So, I moved out here to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, my hat was gone."

"Alright, so the crime scene is out here, then," Smoker observed. "Let's look around for clues."

"I've got footprints!" Calli announced almost immediately. Smoker took a look as well.

"There are some footprints here! Alright, let's follow them," Smoker said, and he and Calli started off on the trail. It led into the street, and continued on a very familiar path. The muddy footprints in fact led them into the grocery store, back to the meat section.

"Meat…how does meat connect to Jeffry's hat?" Calli wondered.

"Elementary, my dear Calli," Smoker replied, smoking his pipe. "Obviously, whoever it was, got hungry."

"…you got the pipe just so you could say that, didn't you?"

"…maybe," Smoker paused for a moment, noticing something. "Look at this. The footprints double back. Let's follow them." They continued to follow the footprints, and surprisingly were led right back to the alley.

"And so…the criminal…" Smoker said as he was nearing the end of the trail, "…is…" he looked up, pointing at who the trail led to, "you!"

"How many times do I have to say this?" Hunter groaned in annoyance. "Smoker, I was with you when this thing happened!"

"But the footprints lead right to you! Incriminating evidence!" Smoker announced. "You took Jeffry's hat, went to the grocery store to get food, then came back here. Alright, fork over the hat."

"Wait, you went to the grocery store?" Hunter asked, seeming annoyed at Smoker. "Hate to break it to you, but do you think that you're following my footprints from when the two of us just went to get food? I stepped in some mud by on my way out of the alley, remember?"

"Well, I'd say that-" Smoker stopped mid sentence, realizing that Hunter was right. "Oh. Well, my deduction was just a ruse in itself anyway! It proves you're innocent, because you didn't crack under pressure!"

"Great going, Sherlock," Hunter said sarcastically, probably rolling his eyes.

"Let's look for more footprints," Calli suggested. "I saw a lot of mud around the alley. There might be another set of prints."

"Right," Smoker nodded, and the two of them continued looking for footprints again.

"I sure hope that you can find it," Jeffry mumbled.

"Don't worry, Jeffie, we'll find your hat!" Calli said with a smile.

"Aha!" Smoker shouted suddenly. "More footprints!"

"Where does it go?" Calli asked, coming over to him.

"That way," Smoker said, pointing down an adjacent alleyway. "Let's follow them." Smoker and Calli followed the trail for quite a while, and soon enough they came to a building. There were some stairs, leading down to a basement of some sort, and the print went down there.

"Be ready for anything," Smoker said to Calli as he took the doorknob. "This could be some sort of elaborate trap or something like that." Smoker opened the door slowly, and looked inside. There was a simple room in there, with a couch, a sink, and even a T.V., among other things. And sitting on top of the T.V., next to a curious rubber duck, was Jeffry's hat.

"We found it!" Calli said, picking up the hat. "Jeffry is going to be so glad!"

"Does someone live here?" Smoker wondered aloud, looking around before the two of them exited.

"So, do you think that it's Claire? Or Clawer?" Calli asked as they walked up the steps. As they turned to leave, though, the noted some graffiti on the wall of the building, which clearly read "Beware the Clawer".

"I think it was Clawer. Just a hunch," Smoker replied, looking at the wall, then Calli. "Well, time to dish out some justice."

"Okay, you be the good cop, I'll be the bad cop," Calli said excitedly.

"I think that just an apology will do, right?"

"Aww…fine. I guess." The two of them walked back into the alley, and Calli held out Jeffry's hat to the excited little Infected.

"Ta-da!" she said as Jeffry took his hat, putting it back on eagerly.

"Thanks, guys!" Jeffry said, obviously happy. "I really don't know what I would do without my hat, so thanks a lot!"

"So, who took it?" Valery asked.

"We've figured out the criminal," Smoker said, talking to everyone in the alley. "And we've decided that it's-"

"J'accuse!" Calli shouted, pointing at Clawer dramatically.

"Uh…what?" Clawer asked, clearly not understanding Calli's French accusation (which she had picked up from some old movie poster, anyway).

"We found a strange little basement," Smoker explained. "That's where Jeffry's hat was. And outside, it said on the wall, "Beware the Clawer". So, basically, we figured that it was your basement."

"It's not my basement," Clawer shrugged.

"It's not?" Calli asked. "Oh, good, 'cause I put the duck into the toilet."

"You WHAT?" Clawer exclaimed, obviously horrified at the idea of said duck going into the toilet.

"Just kidding," Calli grinned.

"Sooo, it is your basement, judging by your reaction," Smoker concluded. "I'm not going to bother to ask about why you stole Jeffry's hat, but you need to apologize now." It was silent for a moment. Jeffry was looking to Clawer, expecting an "I'm sorry".

"Fine," Clawer said in an exasperated voice. "I'm sorry for taking your stupid hat."

"It's not stupid," Jeffry objected. "It's the best hat I've ever known, actually. But I guess that you're forgiven."

"So…" Clawer turned to Calli. "You…didn't really put the duck into the toilet, right?"

"Maybe," Calli said with a shrug. There was another short silence.

"I'll…be right back," Clawer said, dashing down the alley that Smoker and Calli had gone down to find his secret room.

"Hey, everyone!" Taunter came into the alley. "I found Tank and Witch! Sorry it took so long."

"Oh, well, we're done," Smoker said, tossing his pipe through the door of the safe room and into a box, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. "Sorry."

"So I cam here for nothing?" Tank asked, irritated as he walked away.

"I always miss everything!" Witch sobbed as she walked off in the other direction.

"So…I'm guessing that it was Clawer?" Taunter asked, noticing who was missing.

"Yup," Calli nodded.

"Hey, Smoker, why don't you end your case like you used to end them?" Hunter asked with a snicker.

"No, no…" Smoker shook his head. "It's stupid."

"Come on, Smoker, for old times sake!" Boomer urged him on.

"Guys, it's really stupid…" Smoker insisted.

"A special case ending thing? I wanna see it!" Calli smiled.

"Calli, seriously, it's really-"

"Please?" Calli asked, making puppy dog eyes at Smoker. Puppy dog eyes had always been his weak point.

"Fine, fine," Smoker sighed. "Just don't laugh."

"We won't laugh," Taunter nodded. Smoker cleared his throat. He paused, then sighed again.

"Another case closed," he starting reciting his old motto, lacking proper enthusiasm. "If you've got a mystery that makes you say 'God damn!', then I'm your man." There was a long pause.

"That gets funnier every time," Hunter said, breaking out into laughing so hard that he nearly fell over.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" Smoker was feeling embarrassed.

"Hey, I never said anything," Hunter told him, still laughing.

"Well, I thought that it was nice," Calli said in Smoker's defense.

"Yeah, if he was on some stupid cheesy T.V. show."

"…I'm never solving a mystery ever again," Smoker stated simply, walking into the safe room to get more cigarettes.

"Oh no! Hunter, now look what you did!" Calli shouted, following after Smoker.

"Uh…cue the credits?" Taunter asked with a half laugh, while Hunter was still laughing his butt off in the background.

"Sure," Sam shrugged. "Works for me."

…...

Jeffry seemed a bit more talkative than usual in this chapter. XD Lol I almost forgot to put Mike in with the "why you're not a suspect" explanations. XD I noticed at the last second, thankfully. :D Did any of you get the South Park reference? Lol I didn't even mean to put it in there, I just noticed it. XD And check it out, I used a French word in the chapter! Aren't I fancy lol. XD Anyway, here is the question for this chapter!

What was your Infected's name before the infection? Was it the one they have now? Or is the one they have now one that they made up for themselves?