Kaoru's Notes

Chapter Eleven


~_~

Today is Hikaru and Haruhi's wedding. I shouldn't be going since I'm scared. I'm scared that if I see Hikaru in the church, clad in his wedding suit, I'd be torn apart and be melting in torment. Such an exaggerating description, isn't it?

I woke up early this morning, or something like that, since I didn't want to be late. Kyoya had said Hikaru wouldn't start the ceremony if I wasn't there. I don't want to cause any trouble. So even if I didn't want to witness his wedding, I still have to attend, for Hikaru's sake. I wonder what's actually happening to me…since no matter how painful it is, Hikaru is still my first priority. I guess I'm just abnormally in love with my older brother.

I looked up in the mirror and I grimaced at my own face. It has been a long time since I faced the mirror, and I've just noticed that I look horrible. Not completely, but I still look horrible.

Someone knocked on my door and I knew it was Kyoya.

"Coming." I said, tying my maroon necktie as I opened the door.

I looked up at Kyoya and smiled, "Morning, Kyoya. You're so early."

He knit his brows a little, "Morning Kaoru. But I must say…" he leaned in closer to my face, then he knit his brows again, "You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

I laughed but it was fake, "You're imagining things early in the morning, Kyoya." I said, turning around to walk inside.

"I can tell... You have dark bags under your eyes." He walked in.

"It must have been because I went overtime to finish up my novel." I explained, although he was right. Well, how could I possibly sleep last night—knowing that Hikaru's wedding is today? Of course I couldn't sleep. So I didn't.

I was even planning to drown myself in alcohol last night. It was my way of celebrating Hikaru's wedding. But Kyoya had kept all of my sakes and beers- he kept all the alcohols I've purposely bought.

"Wait a minute, Kyoya. I'm going to fix some things, then we're off to church." I said.

"You've got to be kidding. It will start at nine, it's seven twenty." he said, checking on his wristwatch.

"Then why are you here so early?" I asked suspiciously at him.

He looked at me with a tad of concern in his eyes, but a teasing grin was curving on his lips, "I was worried that you'd hung yourself, but I'm glad you didn't."

I just wrinkled my brows as I rolled my eyes at him.

~_~

The first person that my eyes were yearning to see was of course Hikaru, and I was totally surprised when I saw him standing at the church's entrance, clad in his marvelous wedding white suit. I was appalled. Hikaru looks thin, even thinner than I am. Even the suit that was supposedly from my measures fit him now.

He lost so much weight.

When Hikaru saw me, his eyes widened and I couldn't move my own feet. My heart was pounding so fast. His face was showing unexplainable expressions. But I could tell that he didn't know whether to smile or to wave at me, he didn't know if he should approach me or if he should just ignore me. I don't know how to approach him either.

He was just there, standing, and his unfathomable eyes were just staring at me. And I just stared at him in return, baffled. Scared. Nervous. It was only three weeks that we haven't seen each other, but for me, for us, it's like we haven't seen each other for the entire fifty years.

When Kyoya approached me and curled his arm, guiding me to enter the massive church, I saw Hikaru that was about to launch over us, clenching his fists. But he was caught up when someone shouted,

"The bride is here!"

And the wedding song started to play.

The other host club members were there inside, but it was only Tamaki-senpai whom I haven't yet seen. Perhaps, he's just a bit late. I heard he was coming to attend. Well, Kyoya and I were a bit late too. I was planning to arrive early but my hesitations and fear to see and talk to Hikaru was bugging me a lot.

Honey waved his hand, gesturing us to sit beside him in front, and I smiled at the fact that he has grown a lot taller. But I could still see those cherry blossoms and cute flowers surrounding Honey's body, strangely enough. I think he brought Usa-chan too.

Mori was beside him, and I was surprised as to how he'd become so muscular and tall. They both smiled at me, and to Kyoya, who then waved back at them.

I'm not part of the ceremony anymore, I refused Hikaru's request to become his best man and I don't have any idea who took over my role.

Dad and Mom were there at Hikaru's side, and I don't know if they noticed my presence or not. But I didn't care much. It didn't surprise me when a lot of guests were there, some of them were colleagues of Mom and Dad, elite people and family whom I didn't care much for. Even Kyoya's family attended.

I sat beside Kyoya- Mori and Honey were on his other side. Actually, I didn't want to seat here in front 'cause I could nearly witness the wedding of my beloved brother. But I can't say no, and I can't refuse Honey, since it will just confuse them.

"How are you?" "What's up?" "It's been a long time." Greetings and other reuniting hi's and hello's were still left unspoken among us, at that moment, the wedding of Hikaru Hitachiin was more important than anything else.

When the song started to play, my heart was already pounding so fast, my insides were shaking. When I saw Hikaru with Mom and Dad each on his sides, walking modestly in the aisle, my heart hardened.

Hikaru passed by me, our eyes met for brief seconds before his swept away. In that second, I was certain, Hikaru wanted to tell me something, many things that he wasn't able to say to me before. When he finally stood there at the altar, I averted my eyes and lowered my head, I could feel my own chest tightening in pain.

I felt Kyoya's hand wrapped gently around mine, giving me the comfort he could at least share at that moment.

The solemn song continued to play, and in the corner of my eyes, I saw Haruhi clad in her astoundingly wedding gown, marching in the aisle like a beautiful goddess. I lifted my head and she was sparkling, but when I stared at her closely enough, I saw something in her eyes that I shouldn't have.

Disappointment.

A bride on her wedding day is the happiest person on earth. But I didn't see that pure happiness in Haruhi, she was smiling, yes, she was sparkling, yes, but something was still missing. I couldn't fathom what and why.

Hikaru welcomed her at the altar. He held her hand and I was about to burst and cry. I wanted to cry but no tears were falling. I couldn't cry, perhaps I have dried out all of my tears last night that no more was there left behind.

When the priest started to speak, I felt like I was losing my own breath.

The ceremony went by, and I felt like I was going to die, as if the doors of death was already saying hello to me. Funny isn't it? It isn't. It's not damn funny.

It went on. Then everything around me seemed like a group of sharp needles, trying to kill me through their piercing stares. I saw Hikaru standing in front of the altar, I saw only his back and I couldn't endure it. I would lose Hikaru forever. He isn't mine anymore.

He'd be tied to Haruhi. And Haruhi would become his first priority.

My chest was tightening. My heartbeat was becoming rapid. My breath was hot even though I don't have fever.

"Hikaru Hitachiin," I heard the priest say.

I grasped my chest tighter, it was so painful. My chest was heaving so hard. I couldn't…

"Will you accept—"

No…No…

"Haruhi Fujioka as your lovely wife?"

No…please no…I can't endure it. I won't be able to bear it. I can't. I still can't allow you to get married!

A stupid silence passed by. And I could hear familiar noises inside my chest. No. I couldn't breathe. I lifted up my head while I grasped my chest tighter than before, I felt Kyoya's hand behind my back as he whispered, "Kaoru…you okay?"

I couldn't…

"Hikaru Hitachiin, will you accept Haruhi Fujioka as your wife?" the priest repeated and I saw Hikaru flinched for a bit. I couldn't allow Hikaru to marry, no, that's too much already! Seeing only his back is too painful—I want him to face me.

No. Look at me for the last time, Hikaru. Please look at me!

Look at me and notice me, notice that I don't want this!

Turn your back and look at me, notice my pain Hikaru!

You don't want this, do you? Please look at me…Hikaru…

I cried out inside. And it was hard to breathe. I was trying my best to look at his back, anticipating that he would turn to look at me, but he didn't. He didn't look at me.

I'm going to lose my breath soon. It's so difficult to breathe, so please Hikaru, just this once, please look at me.

"Yes," he said and I felt my whole body shaking in terror, "I do."

NO! I raised an arm hoping it could reach his back. I moved my feet hoping I could run and take him away, steal him away from that altar. But my hard breathing was almost killing me and the pain devoured me, I felt weak all over my body and I couldn't stand on my own anymore.

You can't marry her, Hikaru!

That was the last word I heard myself whispering inside, I felt Kyoya's arms wrapped around my waist as I collapsed and totally lost control of myself. But before I had closed my eyes, I saw Hikaru's horrified face.

~_~