I'm so so sorry for the delay, I've been so busy lately. Woukd you forgive me if you knew it's my birthday?

anyhow, I'm going to answer some of your questions here:

-sunshine: I sorry that it takes forever to update. Aside from the obvious reasons, my life is a kind if a mess right now, so...

-paladin: I neither condemn nor condone Maura's reaction to the incident. Sometimes the characters make choices that dont make sense to some of us (me included), but we should remember that when it comes to human behavior, logic doesnt always apply. Also, you might have noticed that Maura here is slightly different from the original character, which means she might behave, say or do things that the original Maura wouldn't. As for Jane, I dont recall writing anything about the way she dealt with the incident, but know that I would never dream to let the assailant go unpunished. You just have to wait until it's the time for that information to be revealed. And lastly, I appreciate your suggestion to save the plot and had I not already had another scenario in my head, I would have taken the suggestion into consideration.

Carling: Maura may come off as cold hearted, but she's a very complex character. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions which might result in discarding them altogether. not mention that she's is the narrator, meaning that we know probably too much about her and her thoughts, compared to the other characters.

kimbas13: your PM made me happy, as always. I'm sorry for not posting this sooner.

Kik4464: thank you.

for Baden and his friends :)


There are moments in life when you have to slow the pace and look behind you to the starting point. Whether to mark a milestone along the journey or merely a random event, you often find yourself reflecting back to where it started. You may stand proud then or hang your head in shame, you may feel grateful or bite your fingers with regret. You may experience a myriad of feelings among which longing always stands out. Because no matter how difficult or challenging they may have been, we always long for the beginnings.

Relating what had transpired the day before was like reliving it but with less emotion and more clarity. The minute details emerged in my awareness as I spoke, finding an echo of familiarity that I hadn't anticipated. Something about the encounter had deeply stirred my memory, urging the past to rush back like an unexpected tidal wave. This time, however, the recollections had steered away from the years of hardship to sail into much simpler and happier times. Although I could never have imagined a day when I would describe the dawning of our story as simple or happy.

In retrospect, Jane's persistent knocking on my door in the middle of that night had the same startling effect as her sudden reappearance in my life now. The confrontation that had occurred later didn't feel any less intense than the one we had just had. While the circumstances differed greatly, the flow of events was still similar, evoking the question that would rob me of sleep for nights to come. Will our 'talk' have the same fateful impact on our lives as it did all these years ago?

Before that thought could consume me wholly, a gentle voice cut through the haze, pulling me back to the present. "Hey, are you OK?"

Blinking groggily, I peered at the woman sitting across from me. Too rapt in remembrance, I hadn't noticed when my words fell quiet or for how long Arizona had been looking at me with that amused, slightly concerned look.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. Where was I?" I offered once the fog of the memory cleared away.

"I don't know, but certainly not here as it seems to happen a lot lately," Arizona answered teasingly, the edge of her lips faintly spreading upwards. The grin however didn't last long as a somber look replaced it. "I was saying that I'm sorry about your friend. It sounds like he was a good guy."

Her hand reached to cover mine, her blue eyes softening upon noticing the pained smile I gave in return. Frost may have been buried for years now, but to me his death was still too fresh and the wound it left in my heart wouldn't stop weeping. Arizona seemed to understand, letting the silence endure for few moments before she asked: "How did you and Jane get together, anyway? How was your marriage? I still know almost nothing about it."

My head shot up in surprise, the cup of lukewarm coffee in my hands no longer held my attention. "Why are you asking?" I countered.

"I'm just trying to understand" she answered simply, one elegant shoulder lifted in a shrug. "What you've just told me is wonderful and all and I'm truly happy for you, but I still don't get it. After all you've... I mean... all that had happened, it's all forgiven just like that?! You didn't even have to grovel for it!?" She sounded genuinely puzzled despite the playfulness in her tone.

Uncertain of what to make of the slight sting of disappointment I felt, I smiled if only for my friend's sake. "Grovel?! Really! It's not like I had forgotten her birthday or ruined her favorite shirt in the washer. Furthermore, I don't remember ever mentioning the word 'forgiveness'. We just talked. We are not back together." The remark earned me an eye roll while the expectant stare remained unwavering until I relented. "There wasn't anything overly romantic about it, really. An engagement ring served as a wake up call. And that was it."

"I didn't know you were engaged before— Wait! She was?" Her slight frown soon dissolved into giggles as she exclaimed: "Oh my God! You landed a bride to be?! You are officially my hero. How did that happen?"

"She wasn't engaged, not officially. She never said yes," I clarified, self-consciously aware of the attention her airy laughter had drawn. "The night her boyfriend had proposed, she showed up on my doorstep. It was way too late for a friendly visit and the look on her face said that much. She looked... lost, shaken. I don't really know how to describe it, but it scared me; I thought for a minute that someone had died or something. I called her name a few times, asked her about the reason she was there but she only kept staring at her right hand. Only when I came closer did I notice the diamond adorning her finger and it was my turn to stare. For a cheap ring, it had quite the effect, to say the least. Of course no explanation was needed then, but Jane had still felt inclined to tell me about Casey's 'marry me or I'll go back to Afghanistan and probably die' kind of proposal. Except that she wasn't really there just to tell me about it, it dawned on me then; she was giving me a chance to do something about it. It became clear that she was as aware of my feelings for her as I was of hers. But whatever she was expecting me to do or say at that moment didn't happen because I only stood there like an idiot until she gave up and turned to leave. Desperate to stop her, I did the only thing I could think of: I congratulated her." Letting out a flat chuckle, I shook my head at myself. "I don't know what was worse; the disappointment I saw in her eyes or the tears that had slipped down. I could never forget how angry she looked and how shaky her voice sounded when she finally replied, "I'm done waiting for you Maur." When she reached her car, she said: "If you have anything to say about this, pick me up at seven.""

"Well that was intense!" Arizona cleared her throat, a strange expression briefly swept across her face. She seemed about to say something but hesitated, letting her gaze drop to her coffee cup. When she looked up again, the humorous glint was back in her eyes. "Quite the story, though I much prefer the scenario in my head where you waited until the wedding day to confess your undying love for her... preferably at the altar." She sighed dreamily before she pouted, "The idea of fixing it all with a single date is sweet but a bit anticlimactic, don't you think?"

"Yeah, maybe... If I did actually go on that date," I revealed slowly, barely able to hold my laughter at my friend's shocked face.


The night was slowly winding down, the clock ticking closer and closer to 7 pm, yet I still hadn't made any effort to leave the car. I was dimly aware of how uncomfortable the driver's seat was becoming as I sat there and watched her building like some sort of obsessed stalker. All my attention was glued to the windows of her living room that now glared in the dark like a set of angry eyes, reminding me of what I needed no reminder of. Jane was up there waiting for me to show up...to decide on my future and also hers, Casey's, and the child they had made together.

"In case you needed any further reason to chicken out, I'm pregnant."

Her parting words kept taunting me all day long, ringing like a death knell inside my head. They left me mad, jealous, confused...but mostly more scared than I had ever been in my life. Making a choice had never been more daunting, and the resentment I held for Jane at that moment had almost matched the love. By throwing the ball into my court, she had put me between a rock and a hard place, forcing me to carry a burden I never asked for. The unfairness of the situation only fed my anger further...towards her, myself, and Casey who started the whole mess by asking for what he was never worthy of.

My wallowing was soon cut short as the lights in her apartment were suddenly turned off. Checking the time on my cellphone, I was surprised that seven had already passed by a whole five minutes ago. Despite never intending to meet the deadline, I couldn't help the brief pang of panic I felt then nor the sharp sting of tears that made me close my eyes. I had no right to cry, absolutely none.

When I opened my eyes again, Jane was walking out of her building, a dark dress hugging her lithe frame. I couldn't distinguish the color from a distance, but the fit was quite unmistakable. Even under the harsh streetlight, the brunette looked devastatingly stunning. For a split moment, I struggled to find my breath, partly due to the exquisite sight and partly to the fact that Jane was seemingly heading my way. But then she stopped at the curb where a cab pulled up a moment later.

As if it were the most logical thing to do, I followed her even though I was half convinced that she was heading to Casey's. Soon, my assumption was proven wrong as the cab led the way through the busy streets to a very familiar destination - a little French restaurant Jane and I often frequented. It wasn't her type of venue, yet she always went when I asked. The thought that she would bring someone else there left a bitter taste in my mouth. It felt like a punishment of sorts.

Our usual table was at the far corner of the restaurant where a huge window took up almost the entire wall. If Jane turned ever slightly to the right, she might have spotted my car across the street. Fortunately, she was too busy staring at the empty chair across from her - my usual chair. I was expecting her fiancé to claim it any minute, but when the waiter approached to take her order, I realized that I was the only one waiting because Jane certainly wasn't. Even then, it took me a few moments to catch up on what was going on; Jane had gone on our date anyway.

If there was a sadder sight than that beautiful woman dining alone, I couldn't think of any. It made my heart ache so much, I had to avert my eyes. Still, the image kept haunting me as if engraved on my eyelids. The way she kept staring at that chair made me want to rush there and hold her until the pain of my rejection faded away. But I couldn't get close to her anymore than I could stay away. Feeling tears burn anew, I laid my head against the steering wheel and finally let them fall.

A few minutes must have passed before a knock on the window made me look up. I expected a police officer with a parking ticket or even a concerned passerby, but looking back at me was none other than Jane. "Your bed isn't comfortable enough, Maur?" she said as she plopped down on the passenger seat.

Slack-jawed, I blinked a few time before turning to look to the restaurant where she was supposed to be. "What...How..." I stammered.

"I'm a cop. If you're gonna follow me around, you might wanna use a more subtle car than your bright blue Prius which I drive more often then I do my own car," she pointed out as she discarded her shoes and started rubbing her heels. "What are you doing here, Maura?"

It took a few seconds for the question to register and even longer for me to find my voice. "I...I don't know."

"Of course you don't! Like you don't know why you were camping outside my place, right?" she huffed tiredly before she turned to face me. "You were never going to get out of the damn car, were you?"

Dropping her gaze, I let silence confirm what she already knew. Disappointment flashed across Jane's face as she nodded to herself. "I don't know what else to do, Maura," she let out softly after a long pause. "I exhausted all my options here. I couldn't have made my feelings any more obvious and you surely know about them. I couldn't have been any more patient either; I've waited for years. I don't know what else to do."

Something about her tone made me look up, only to find her dark eyes gazing away into the night. "So, you're going to marry him," I concluded despondently.

"Who? Casey?" the brunette snorted. Her chuckle held the faintest trace of bitterness. "He's gone Maur. I turned him down and he's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?" I exclaimed quietly. "What about the baby?"

"People don't get married just because they're pregnant," she said decidedly. "I never intended to marry him, and the baby doesn't change that. He or she is going to be fine. We all are."

"You never...this wasn't an ultimatum?" I murmured almost to myself.

Shaking her head from side to side, Jane leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes. "No. I'm sorry I made it sound like one. I didn't mean to...or maybe I did. I don't know. The proposal, the pregnancy... they both took me by surprise. I didn't see either coming at all. I guess I freaked out," she sighed. "But I knew from the minute he slipped that ring onto my finger that I didn't want it. Just like I knew that I couldn't keep going on like this. I couldn't keep waiting for you to make up your mind. I had to know where I stand with you - if I have to let you go. Now I have my answer."

The air of finality in her tone made my heart grow heavier, effectively distracting me from the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. Wanting to argue, I opened my mouth but nothing came out except a shaky breath. I wished then that Jane would look at me, maybe my eyes would speak differently than my actions had, louder than my words could. Much to my chagrin, her eyelids remained closed until a completely unexpected request slipped past my lips. "May I kiss you, then?"

"What?" Dark eyes cracked open, the brows above them knitted in a confused frown.

"I...um.." I floundered for something to say but my mind was blank. I didn't know where that came from nor why my attention was now zeroing in on Jane's mouth. I wasn't even aware of leaning forward until my forehead rested against hers. "I have to know Jane, please." I found myself whispering. "Before we put this to rest, before you let me go ... I have to know how it feels to kiss you if only once."

Jane didn't say anything, neither did she pull away. I took small comfort from that as her silence stretched on for too long. When she finally spoke, her voice was rough and pained. "God, Maura, I didn't even realize how badly they messed you up!"

"What?" I blinked in confusion. "What do you mean? Who are you talking about?"

"Your parents, your past lovers..." she hissed hotly, her jaw clenched tight, "whoever had a hand in turning you into this insecure, self-doubting woman who deep down believe she's unlovable. They kept giving less and less and you kept letting them until they convinced you that's all you deserve."

Releasing another sigh, she drew back enough to look at me, her dark eyes boring into mine as if to reach the deepest part of my soul. "You, my friend, are lovable. So very much so," she continued firmly emphasizing every single word, "and I should know, because I do love you. You gotta stop settling for less when you deserve so much better, when you can have so much more. Let me love you, Maura. I'm not gonna hurt you...I'm not gonna ever leave you."

"I... I can't. I'm scared…" I breathed, feeling my whole body tremble.

"I know. Trust me I know," she husked as she brought us close once again. "But you're here. You could have been anywhere else, yet you're here, for a reason." Reaching to cup my hands in hers, she smiled at me, "Ask me again."

She didn't have to elaborate any further; the message was loud and clear. A spark of hope burst into life within me, and for a moment I couldn't hear anything above the pounding in my chest. For the first time I could remember the grip of my fears lessened around my heart, and I didn't know whether to laugh or weep. "Would you give me another chance? Would you go with me on a date?" I managed with a barely controlled voice.

Tilting her head high, Jane pretended to mull the question over. "Will you show up this time?" her tone teasing unlike her eyes. Lowering my head in shame, I only nodded as my throat was painfully tight with emotions.

"And will you dress up for it?" I heard next, feeling the body beside me shaking with suppressed laughter. "I know people feel more comfortable dating their friends, but not that comfortable."

Looking down at my wrinkled pajamas from the night before, I felt my face flush crimson. I didn't have the heart to look into the rear view mirror to see my bare face. I must have looked dreadful but Jane didn't seem to mind. She still looked at me as if she had never seen a more beautiful sight.

At my sheepish nod, the brunette finally laughed and leaned even closer. "Good," she whispered against my lips, then pulled back completely and said, "you can have your kiss then."


The memory faded away, leaving a fond smile on my lips. It didn't waver when a twinge of longing shot through me. Somehow it only grew. Having not felt this lighthearted in a very long time, I didn't think anything could dampen it, but then I had to look at Arizona.

The blonde was sporting a smile of her own, but her eyes were glinting with something I couldn't place. The thoughtful look from earlier returned to her face, and I started feeling as though I was waiting for a verdict. "So, you're basically telling me that you knew you had feelings for each other for...what? two, three years? And you didn't do anything about it until she literally forced you to pull your head out of your ass?!" she mused, eyeing me over the rim of her coffee cup.

"Well...yes," I mumbled weakly, searching for a reason I could offer other than the puzzling truth. She wouldn't understand how love could be so terrifying for someone like me; how my heart could fear what it always craved. "It wasn't that simple," I said at last, somewhat defensively.

"It's always complicated with you, Dorth," Arizona scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Smirking at my indignant frown, she answered, "While I wouldn't call you a drama queen, you've got a knack for over-analyzing things. That brain of yours, so accustomed to dealing with complex matters, sometimes it tends to complicate simple things in order to understand them." Checking her pager, she motioned to me to stand. "You gotta give it a break once in awhile, and let your heart rule for a change."

"And when exactly did you turn into a hallmark card?" I sneered good-naturedly as we made our way out of the hospital café.

"Joke all you want, Isles," Arizona grinned not bothered by my jab. "I know you. You approach things in your life the same way you do your job; you wait until it's dead before you do something about it." She sipped the remains of her coffee then made a face, "Ugh. That's cold."

"I wouldn't say so myself," I said with narrowed eyes, eliciting a hearty chuckle from the aggravating surgeon.

"I'm sorry, honey, but that's the truth," she said laughingly before she added sternly. "But you can't do that this time. It's your second chance. You can't let it slip away like you almost did nine years ago!"

"But I told you we are not back together," I called after her as we parted ways.

"Yeah yeah. Good luck with your date."


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