I had trouble writing this chapter. It got deleted a few times before this version happened. This version didn't make me upset, so I kept it.
CH 11: In which KITTENS!
I couldn't read the book. It was too horrible. I gave up after they had described the characters' eyes as both pools and orbs, along with other painfully long descriptions of physiques and clothing and faces. But the eyes. Maker, the eyes...
I got up and tossed the book onto Josephine's desk. It landed with a dull thud. She looked up at me with interest. "You read the whole thing already?"
"Dear lord no. The first few paragraphs were suffering enough. Next time just sucker punch me in the back of the head. I'm sure the experience would be comparable." I pushed the offending 'literature' toward her. "Feel free to continue reading, but know that I think slightly less of you for it." I was joking. Well, mostly joking.
"It's not that horrible..." She picked the book up while muttering darkly under her breath, and quickly found where she had left off. "It might be a little bit wordy in the beginning, but once it gets to the action-"
"Stop. Just stop." I could imagine what she meant by 'action.' "You just enjoy your novel. I'm going to leave now." I made my way to the great hall and noticed Varric and Dorian sitting at Varric's usual table, both looking quite smug as they read a letter. I made my way over to them. "What are you two so happy about?"
"Oh, nothing." Varric casually answer while not so casually moving the letter out of my sight. "Just...a letter from my editor."
"Uh huh." I quirked an eyebrow and shifted my gaze to Dorian, who simply smiled and nodded. "Whatever you say. I just wanted to let you know that Josephine let me see the copy of the book you're working on."
"Ah, shit..." Varric cursed quietly as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"I concur. It is shit. I couldn't even fight my way through the first page." The look of relief of Varric's face was bothersome. Dorian looked almost disappointed. "Orbs, Varric? Orbs? And the descriptions...by the Maker's bagwrinkles! Have you ever heard of the term 'overkill?'"
"Trust me, Princess. The nobles eat that shit up!" He looked up at me with a crooked grin as I crossed my arms and frowned. "The flowing dresses, the furtive glances, the forbidden love! They- HEY!" As he was waving his hands around emphatically, I snatched the letter away from him and gave it a look.
"The Randy Dowager Quarterly? You sent a copy of that garbage to the Randy Dowager? And they're printing it?!" I stared at the letter in disbelief, my mouth agape, until he snatched it back.
"In their next publication, even!" Dorian cut in cheerfully.
I chewed on my lip angrily. It was obviously too late to do anything about that particular fact, and it wasn't like the target audience of Orlesian noble knobs would know that it was a 'friendfic.' But I wasn't going to just let it go. "You're getting paid for this?"
"Yes..." Varric's eyes narrowed.
"I want a cut of the profits."
He laughed. "Or what?"
I hadn't thought of that. "I...don't know. But I'll think of something! Maybe I'll get Sera to help. She's good at coming up with pranks." I recalled the time she set up a bucket of water on the top of the door to my room. She and the Inquisitor had done the same thing to Josie, which resulted in hilarity. I just got hit in the head with a heavy metal bucket and ended up laying on the floor for a while, soaked and unconscious, bleeding from a minor head wound. My memories of the incident were fuzzy. I found myself absent-mindedly rubbing the small scar on my scalp and quickly returned my hand to my side. "I take no personal responsibility for any injuries that may be incurred as a result."
Dorian crinkled his nose slightly. "That's not fair."
"You don't get to tell me what's fair and what isn't, Dorian. You're not my real mom."
"That...doesn't even make sense." He said back, looking rather nonplussed. I shrugged.
"That sounds like a you problem." I pointed at him and winked. "I want 15% of the profits you make off of this book."
"Net or gross?" Varric shot back. I raised my eyebrows.
"Well, if you're giving me a choice, the answer is gross. Duh."
He cursed under his breath and sighed. "Fine. It's a deal. No pranks, though! I'd like to avoid any unnecessary injuries from Sera's 'pranks.'"
I shook his and Dorian's hands firmly and smiled. "Deal. Oh, but the deal is void if you hold out on me." I gave them both a warning glare before I made for the garden door. "I have an appointment to keep. Ta!"
Cullen was already waiting at the chess board, sitting with his elbows on the arms and his chin resting in his closed hands. A slight frown pulled at the corners of his mouth. I sat down opposite him. "Is something bothering you, Cullen? You look worried."
His brows un-furrowed with mild surprise as he sat up straight in his chair. "What? Oh, no. I just..." The look of concern took over his features once again. "I ran into Cassandra on the way over, and she was acting rather...peculiar."
"Peculiar how, exactly?" I had an idea of what caused her odd behavior. I sure as shit wasn't going to say anything about the stupid book, though. If he found out...that was future me's problem. I had faith in her.
"She seemed flustered, and quickly excused herself." He was setting up the board for us to play chess. Someone had left it in a right mess.
"Huh. That does sound somewhat odd." I shrugged. "If you'd like, I can go check on her later." I picked up the chess piece that was shaped like a lion and made it walk the perimeter of the table while making little 'roar' noises. "Meow meow meow! Rawr rawr rawr!"
"If you could do that, that would...be..." He lost his train of thought as he watched me play with the chess piece. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing useful or intelligent." Now the lion was flying above the board while I made a pathetic excuse for a chaingun noise. "Ratta tat tat tat tat tat! RRREAAAOOOOOOOWWWWWW" I made a few explosion noises as I knocked over his rooks. "Oh no! They're preparing the atom bomb! Don't do it! TOO LATE!" I made a whistling noise as I slowly lowered the lion back to the board, and a protracted explosion noise as I carefully knocked over every other piece on the board. "There's total destruction within a one mile radius of the bomb's hypo-center! They're all instantly vaporized, their nuclear shadows, like painted figures on the ground, are the only grisly clue left of their existence. There are no winners, ONLY REGRETS." I shook my head sadly. "So many regrets."
Cullen blinked at me. "You're...not in the mood for chess, are you?"
"Not really." I sat back and slouched into my chair, letting out a puff of breath. "Sorry."
"It's not a problem." He went through the process of setting the pieces in their proper places again.
I suddenly remembered something I had overheard earlier. "I want to go look at the kittens!"
He paused and looked at me, confused. "...kittens?"
"Yeah!" I sat forward and clapped my hands together. "I overheard some of the scullery maids saying that one of the cats that hangs around the kitchen had kittens! It was a few days ago, so their eyes should be open and they should be moving around. I think." I shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Let's go check them out! And get a snack."
"I...okay." He seemed stunned as I dragged him to his feet and almost jogged to the grassy area behind the kitchen.
"I haven't seen kittens in a long time! When I was a kid, we always had kittens on the acreage. There were feral cats around, and sometimes you could get them to warm up to you and hang around if you fed them. Most of the ones that stuck around were females, since the males tend to wander further and are more likely to disappear for various reasons. Anyway, the lady cats would usually end up having a litter of kittens, so most years we had little baby kitties around for a while." I smiled fondly at the memories of my brothers and I playing in the front yard with the year's batch of kittens, my older brother gently bumping them together and pretending they were wrestling dolls while my younger brother and I laughed. It felt bittersweet. "Anyway, before I moved out we had two female cats that each had litters. The nice cat had a big litter, and then disappeared. The mean cat only had two kittens, and they both died shortly after birth, so she adopted the other litter and taught them to fear people like she did. We had to catch them and give them away, but there was one male cat that we couldn't get our hands on, so we had to keep him. He was a long haired black and white asshole I named Fluffums. So, he stuck around for a while and kept other cats off the property, and then after a few years he disappeared too. No more kittens."
"That's too bad." Cullen observed softly. I shrugged.
"Not really. Stupid things shat in the flower beds. I remember my dad gagging when he had to dig it up to get rid of it all." I shuddered as I remembered the smell. "It was pretty horrible. That's a smell you can't unsmell. Oh, kitties!" I clapped and pointed as they came into sight. There were seven of them, playing around in the grass. A bowl of milk sat nearby. "I hope the maids have gotten them used to people. They have sharp little claws." I pranced my way over and plopped down on the grass near them. They came toddling over, mewling at me. "THEY'RE SO CUTE!"
Cullen plunked down beside me and sighed. "I don't see what the-"
"SHUT UP AND HOLD THIS!" I plopped a little calico into his hands, then picked up a particularly affectionate black kitten for myself. "Look at these little poopers! Little floofer floofs!" I gently scritched the top of the kitten's head and was rewarded with a tiny purr. I repressed the urge to squeal, but did not repress the urge to sneeze. "So it begins..."
Cullen glanced at me as he awkwardly tried to prevent the cat from wandering out of his hands. "What begins?"
"Allergies." I sniffled mightily and set the kitten down in my lap. "I'm allergic to cats."
He deposited the cat on the ground and gave me an incredulous look. "Why are you playing with kittens, then?"
"One: it's not a fatal allergy. I get sniffly and sneezy, my eyes itch if I touch them before washing my hands, and I might get small welts if the cat gets its nose damp or eye goop on me. Two: LOOK AT THEM. I LOVE CATS." I shoved the cat in his face. He instinctively backed away. "I LOVE them." I brought the cat to my chest and cuddled it. It struggled to get away. I sneezed again. "Maybe I should put it down..." I plopped it back on the ground and watched it stumble away to where its siblings were play fighting. I sighed and sniffled. "It's not fair...oh well. At least I'm not allergic to dogs." I sniffled again as my nose continued to produce more and more snot. "I should probably hide in my room until my face calms down." Another sneeze and sniffle combo followed my statement.
"I'll bring you some tea." Cullen got to his feet and offered me a hand, which I gratefully took. He easily pulled me to my feet and looked at me with alarm and concern as I continued to sneeze and snork and snort like that one kid everyone knew in grade school. The one that ALWAYS had a cold and was continually making gross noises while the teacher was trying to explain something.
"I'd appreciate that." I replied, fighting another sneeze. He gave me a nod and sent me on my way. I ignored the worried looks people gave me on my way past. Thankfully, none of them tried to talk to me. Maybe they thought I was crying...it was no matter. I made it back to my room without incident and plopped down heavily onto the edge of my bed. I just sat and sniffled miserably until Cullen showed up with a small tea pot and a cup on a plain wooden platter.
"Here." He set it down beside me. "Dorian was hanging about and told me that he uses this to deal with his allergies." Cullen stared off into the distance, a dark look in his eyes. "Rather suspicious that he just happened to be there..."
I let out a soft 'huh' as I poured the tea into the small cup. "I'm surprised Varric wasn't right there with him." I took a sip and grimaced as it burned my tongue. "Ow."
"He was, actually. Are you alright?"
"Eh, just burned my mouth. I do it every time I drink tea." I shrugged and took another sip. Yep. Still too hot to drink. "Ow."
Cullen shook his head. "Why don't you let it cool down?"
"Don't tell me how to live my life!" I took another sip. "Ow. My impatience has resulted in a high pain tolerance, at least."
He sighed. "I'm not going to stand here and watch you burn yourself because you can't wait."
"Fair enough." Sip. "Ow! Why hasn't this demon tea cooled down yet?"
He chuckled as he closed the door behind him.
"See you later!" I made myself comfortable on my bed and closed my eyes contentedly as I took another sip. "OW! GODDAMNIT!"
I cannot be trusted with hot beverages.
I wanted to actually write Varric and Dorian's friendfic, but I can't. I just can't. I tried, and could not. Perhaps someone more inclined toward writing in the style of intentionally bad harlequin romance novels could, but it causes me physical and psychological pain to even try. My apologies. It's open to anyone else, if you want to try. I'd read that. I just wouldn't write it. Hah.
Feel free to leave a review. I like feedback and comments and random statements and/or questions like 'Have you ever wondered if those plastic-covered cheese slices are just the dried up film off of the Cheez Whiz factory barrels?', and I would reply 'Yes. Yes I have wondered that exact thing. I also wonder if Cheez Whiz factories have barrels that the store hot Cheez Whiz in.'
