The Python Defense

A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff

A/N: Spam, spam, spam, spam...Crack, crack, crack, crack...This chapter is roughly equal amounts quasi-plot development and quasi-smut. It does move the story forward...I think.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 11: Schemes and Scenes

oo00OO00oo

There weren't any Medieval minstrels or Roman legionnaires waiting for Harry Potter in the Common Room that morning. No coconuts, or chanting Chasers, or Wudoph the Wed Nose Weindeers either…just his real girlfriend.

As if he didn't already have a number of reasons to sport an ear-to-ear grin.

"Why hello, Mr. Happy!" Hermione quipped, as she rose from her comfy chair and pulled him into a hug.

"Why hello to you, too, Mrs. Happy!" Harry replied. He took another look around the room and, once deciding that it was safe to do so, reached down and gave Hermione's bum a good squeeze.

"Stop!" she hissed, slapping his hands away.

"Who is going to see…?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and whispered into his ear.

"Maybe the half-dozen portraits that are hung on these walls?"

"Oh, sorry," Harry replied (even though he didn't look very sorry when he broke the embrace and took a step backwards).

"What's gotten into you, to make you act like this?"

Harry chuckled. "Probably has more to do with what got into my girlfriend last night," he quipped. "Then later last night. And early this morning…."

His girlfriend scowled and playfully punched his shoulder.

"Hey!" Harry complained.

Hermione shook her head. "You aren't the kind of boy who is going to brag about his sex life, are you?"

Harry smiled. "Do you think that anyone would believe me if I did?"

"No, but...just hush!"

"Yes, Dear."

"Don't you 'Yes Dear' me!" Hermione shot back.

"Yes, De….okay…so where is my entourage this morning?"

"Just us, I think."

"Oh?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Certainly not."

"Good."

The couple crawled out of the Portal and into the empty hallway. Hermione waited until they were out of the Fat Lady's hearing range before she restarted the conversation.

"So what do you know about the shower heads that were chasing your naked roommates around the Tower earlier this morning?"

"How do you know about that?"

"Hard to miss all of the yelling and screaming coming down the stairwell….even harder to miss Ron when he ran down into the Common Room starkers, begging somebody to protect him from the cold water."

"He didn't!"

"He most certainly did," Hermione replied. "That was a rather nasty prank."

Harry snorted. "Wasn't my magic," he protested. "Wasn't even my idea."

"But you know something about it?"

"Just enough to predict that my room mates will now think twice before they search my bed for invisible guests."

"Oh, well…let's hope that's the case," said Hermione.

"So who helped Ron?"

"The Twins were in the Common Room…Fred stopped the shower head, while George conjured a towel to wrap around Ron's waist."

"Why did they do that?"

Hermione chuckled. "Fred said that he wanted to check out the magic behind the prank."

"And George?"

"He had more selfish reasons…said that Ron's shrinkage problem was degrading the brand."

"Shrinkage problem?"

"That water was really cold, Harry…and the spray seemed to be focused on Ron's crotch."

Harry grinned. "George didn't want anyone else to think that Ron's bits were representative of all male Weasleys?"

"Something like that."

"So my room mates might have a reason to avoid me," said Harry. "Why were you sitting in the Common Room by yourself?"

"Weren't that many there to begin with," Hermione replied. "Between not wanting to get hit by stray bits of cold water spray, or not wanting to be in the same room as a naked Ron..."

"That means no Chasers shadowing us?"

Hermione looked up and down the hallway. She then whispered, "So Harry, if you marry Susan can I be your second wife?"

Voices in some proximal location chanted, "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Knew it!" the Muggleborn smugly stated. "So…where is your girlfriend this morning, Harry?"

"You mean that you don't know?" he teased.

"You know what…"

"She might be getting an earful from her Head of House," Harry replied.

"What for?"

"She erm, sort of…you know…"

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed in faux shock. "Are you getting your girlfriend into trouble?"

The-Boy-Who-Lived gave his companion a funny look.

"What do you mean?" he asked innocently. "My girl told me that she was…protected…before we…you know..."

"Yes, I do," Hermione snorted. She then whispered, "And I was."

"So you know the answer to your own question."

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. She chewed on her lower lip for a few seconds, then thought of a way to use the situation to her advantage.

"So, Harry…how is it going with your new girlfriend?"

The black-haired wizard arched an eyebrow.

"It's been brilliant," he replied tentatively.

"You don't sound so sure of your answer."

"I'm not sure about the purpose of your question."

"Why, Harry!" Hermione chided. "If you can't tell your best friend about your feelings for your girlfriend…"

Harry chuckled, and considered how he might best navigate through this potential mine field.

"It really has been brilliant," he finally replied. "I was really afraid that things might change between us once I got my head out my arse and confessed my feelings to my new girlfriend"

"How could they not change?"

"Hermione!" Harry whined. "I'm just worried that…well, it was a relief when Susan told me that she didn't have any worries about you trying to steal her lover away."

The Muggleborn witch giggled.

"Was she right about that?" Harry teased.

Hermione slugged his arm.

"Ouch!"

"You deserved that," she told Harry.

He shrugged.

"I do wish that my girlfriend and I could have more time alone," he admitted.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I mean…finally getting together with her on the same night of my Remedial Potions lesson…getting together because of what happened during that lesson…it's been a crazy three days since then."

"That's for sure."

"And all of the fallout from what Snape did to me…and all of the extra scrutiny from students and staff…"

"You'd like to have time with your girl, without worrying that somebody is listening in?"

"Yeah."

"I might be able to help you there, Harry," said Hermione, as she took a small risk and reached out to squeeze his hand.

He smiled warmly in response.

The two walked amicably and (relatively) alone for a minute before the conversation started up again.

"So no classes…what's on your planner today?" Harry asked.

His girlfriend began her response with a yawn.

"Think after breakfast I'll crawl back into bed and take a good long nap,"

"So you didn't get much sleep last night then?"

"Oh…just stop."

"Yes, Dea…sounds good to me."

"What does?"

"Crawling into your bed for a change."

"You wish!"

"Of course not," Harry replied. "Not that it matters…it isn't as if I could convince a House Elf to bypass the stairway alarms and pop me into your bed, right?"

"Harry….why would you want to nap in my bed?"

Her boyfriend grinned. "I guess that I've grown used to having somebody to snuggle against."

"And what about your girlfriend?"

"Oh, well…I hope that she feels the same way, of course."

"I'm sure that she does."

"Good."

Harry then said, "Well if your bed is out of bounds…guess it's a good thing that there aren't any alarms blocking me from the Hufflepuff girls' dormitory."

"You seem pretty certain that Susan will let you do that?"

"She wouldn't mind…it's Hannah that might protest."

"I'm afraid that Lavender and Parvati would do anything but protest if they discovered you in my room."

"They would do anything?" Harry teased.

"Is there a reason why you are asking?" Hermione asked tersely.

"Constant vigilance?"

"A catch-all excuse if I've ever heard one."

"So okay…after breakfast we'll take naps…in our own beds."

"Sounds like a good idea," Hermione replied, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "And then we'll see if we can find some time for you to spend alone with your girl."

"Excellent."

Hermione smiled. "Just so long as we find some together time with…the other two…to discuss…things."

"Things?" Harry asked nervously.

"Yes…things….things like your next Remedial Potions lesson, and how you might best prepare for it."

"Oh…right. Sounds good."

"Good."

"So…where do you think we'll meet for that together time?" Harry asked.

"Got a preference?"

Harry chuckled. "Well…the last place the four of us got together worked out, right?"

Hermione shook her head. "I'm afraid that we might be over using that Room…too risky."

"Not that place…I was thinking about where we met earlier today."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"And I suppose you'd want to set the agenda for this meeting place?"

"No need…I thought you did a fantastic job with the last meeting's agenda," Harry quipped.

"I bet you did."

"And you didn't approve of the agenda? Seemed like it at the time."

Hermione let out a sigh of exasperation.

Harry pushed on with a smile.

"So Hermione…when we have our next meeting, should the first order of business be reviewing the minutes from the last meeting?"

"Oh, you…you…"

"And then we'd have to go over the old business before we get on to any new business…"

"You'll be meeting all by yourself if you don't stop!" Hermione chided.

"Yes, Dear."

Hermione gave Harry's arm another slug just as they turned the last corner and caught sight of the oversized doors of the Great Hall. There were a few other students milling about, but none of them thought it strange that Hermione was cuffing him…it wasn't the first time that she'd done that to her best friend.

Now the grin that was still on Harry's face? That was noteworthy and out of character…at least when compared to his normal moods during that school year.

That grin didn't survive their entrance into the Great Hall…all it took to chase it away was a glance up towards the Head Table.

"Oh, shit."

"What?" asked Hermione.

"Umbridge," Harry whispered. "She looks like a cat hovering over a mouse hole."

"And that's news?"

"No," Harry replied. "It's probably because of the news."

oo00OO00oo

The arrival of the morning's censored mail and the latest Daily Prophet confirmed Harry's fears.

He had long ago developed a way to completely ignore that publication's mealtime deliveries…with eyes focused firmly on the plate in front of him, and his brain singing "La, La, La, I can't hear you!" But it was really, really hard for him to ignore the huge front page picture of him entering the Great Hall dressed as the King of the Britains, defeator of the Saxons, and sovereign of all England.

Or to ignore the buzz that the story created amongst both students and staff.

Susan was sitting with Hannah at their House table when the taunting and teasing began. It mostly originated from the Slytherin table, but was supplemented by more than a few catty girls from the other houses…girls that thought that they should be The-Boy-Who-Lived's girlfriend, instead of (quoting the Prophet) "A chubby, Fifth- Year Half-Blood Hufflepuff who has more baps than brains if she thinks that her spread legs will keep the dangerously delusional boy bewitched."

Not having Harry's voluminous experience with smear jobs and student jeers, Susan ran out of the Great Hall in tears.

Hannah stared at Harry for a moment, then tried to catch up with her friend.

Lisa stared at Harry for more than a few moments from the Ravenclaw table, too afraid of what might follow if she tried to comfort her girlfriend.

Harry turned to Hermione and shared a glance that contained an entire wordless conversation. He rose from the Gryffindor Table and was two strides towards the doors when a voice called out from the Head Table.

"Mr. Potter…If you please?"

He stopped, wondering why his own Head of House had called him out. When he turned and spotted Professor Sprout standing by McGonagall's side, he began to figure out why.

All eyes were on the raven-haired wizard as he slowly approached the Head Table. He didn't care at all for the unfiltered schadenfreude on Umbridge's and Snape's faces, and showed it as he walked to the far end of the table and stopped, fully expecting his Head of House to close the distance.

He was heartened when she did move to meet him. Less so when Professor Sprout did the same.

"Yes, Professors?" he asked.

McGonagall turned towards Sprout for a moment, then fixed her eyes firmly on Harry.

"I think it best if you confine yourself to the Tower today," she stated.

Harry frowned.

"Is this some sort of detention, Professor?"

The Transfiguration Professor pursed her lips.

"If that is what it takes to keep you within bounds and out of trouble…"

Professor Sprout jumped in.

"Miss Bones will be spending the day in her House as well," she informed him.

"Oh…but can't you see how upset she is from this rubbish in the paper?"

"Of course," Pomona replied in a quieter voice. "That is why I don't want things to worsen by having her…or her paramour…caught out of bounds by a member of the Staff."

"Out of bounds?" Harry asked. "Is this some new Decree?"

"No, just some common sense," McGonagall whispered tersely. "How much more trouble will the two of you…and her Aunt…get into if you're caught in her room with your hands in her knickers…or if she's caught in a broom closet with you?"

"Or caught spending another night in your bed, for that matter," whispered Sprout.

"What are you on abo…."

A firm grasp of Harry's elbow kept him from finishing his profession of indignation.

"It's probably a good idea, Harry," Hermione stated, after approaching and overhearing some of the discussion. "I'm sure that so long as Hannah and Susan's other friends can visit and comfort her…and assuming, of course, that Susan is told why her boyfriend wasn't able to be by her side today…"

"Of course," Pomona stated.

Harry took in, then expelled, a deep breath.

"I'll make sure that Harry spends the day in the Tower, Professors," said Hermione.

"You'll have to stick to me night and day if you hope to do that," Harry stated.

"Whatever it takes, Miss Granger," McGonagall stated.

Hermione could keep the hint of a smile from curling the corners of her lips.

"As you wish, Ma'am…come on, Harry. Looks like it's just going to be me and you."

The-Boy-With-A-Pretend-Girlfriend was barely able to act as if that was going to be a hardship.

oo00OO00oo

Harry and Hermione did spend most all of that day in the Gryffindor Common Room working on their homework assignments. Ron was with them for just a portion of that time, looking for Hermione to do his work for him. Her outright refusals, and Ron's insensitive remarks about the benefit of having the three of them spending time together "without pesky girlfriends", were his undoing. Hermione and he got into a massive argument, which Harry settled by asking Ron to find someplace else to skiv off his work.

It took the reappearance of a disembodied shower head to convince Ron that Harry was serious.

That shower head (and its mates) reappeared later that evening, and stood sentinel on the four post tops to Harry's bed after he announced that he was turning in early and didn't want to be disturbed. Dobby popped Hermione behind Harry's bed curtains a few minutes later, then provided "Air Mail" service for messages exchanged with Susan and Lisa (who were in their own dormitories by that point). They decided it best that they hold those positions for the evening, which allowed Harry and Hermione to hold each other (and only each other) during that night.

They talked. They kissed. They snuggled. They deepened their relationship an incremental bit.

All was well (at least at that point in time).

oo00OO00oo

The unofficial house arrests of Harry and Susan ended the next day. They took their meals in the kitchen, so as to avoid more nasty comments from the other students. Hermione , Hannah, and Lisa were more than willing to serve as unofficial chaperones. They kept the table conversations light and noncontroversial, giving the House Elfs and portraits that reported to the Headmaster little to report.

The conversation was far more serious and pointed that afternoon, when the two couples used Dobby's help and Harry's cloak to secretly meet on the Seventh Floor, in front of the tapestry with tutu-wearing Trolls.

Harry volunteered to do the pacing. When the Room of Requirement's doorway appeared, they quickly opened it…and walked into a replica of his Gryffindor dormitory room.

This earned him more than a little grief from the other three.

He weakly justified the location by stating the need to prove that they could all keep their clothes on while sharing a bed, but that just got everybody's minds back to what they had happened the morning before. The three witches were skeptical…but not skeptical enough to keep from jumping into "Harry's bed" and pulling the bed curtains shut.

The true couples sat on opposite ends…Harry and Hermione had backs against the head board, with Lisa and Susan facing them. To keep in practice, and to respect the call for "Constant Vigilance," they acted as if they were really in Gryffindor Tower. Silencing charms were applied to all six sides of their enclosed space, the bed curtains were spelled shut, and the activated Marauder's map was stuck against the room-side drapes. This allowed the four teen-agers to monitor their perimeter for potential threats. It also left the wall side drapes available for Hermione to transfigure into a Muggle-style white board.

"Right, so…anything we can do about yesterday's Prophet?" she asked, after transfiguring one of her feathered quills into a colored marker.

The other three frowned.

"Turn the source of the story into a newt?" asked Harry.

"And that would be…"

"Starts with 'U' and ends with 'bitch'?" Susan offered.

"I wish we could be so certain it was her," said Harry.

"Who else could it be?"

"Dumbledore," Harry replied.

"Why would he do that?" asked Lisa.

The-Boy-Who-Lived shrugged. "Just starting to get a feeling…that article was almost as critical of Susan's Aunt."

"So?"

"So Aunt Amelia is the head of the DMLE, and votes the Bones family seat on the Wizengamot," Susan explained. "She's also not very happy with Fudge at the moment."

"Even more reason to suspect Umbridge," Hermione concluded. "She's the Minister of Magic's stooge, so if she sees a way to discredit one of his rivals…"

"Maybe somebody else sees her as a rival," said Harry. "The way it is right now…I'm furious that the Headmaster isn't going to discipline Snape, and hate the fact that he sends me back to the Dursleys each year…all for my own good, of course. But as mad as I am with him…whom else can I turn to for help?"

Hermione frowned. "So…you think that Dumbledore wants to control your life, and would attack anyone who might threaten his position?"

"Yeah."

"Geez, Harry…tin foil hat, much?"

"What?" asked Susan.

Hermione sighed. "Muggle reference…I'm just rather skeptical of conspiracy theories."

Harry shrugged. "And I'm just saying….we should be careful in our assumptions."

"Wow, that's rather…rather a mature thing to say," Hermione noted.

"I must be rubbing off on him," Susan giggled.

The comment drew some pointed stares from the other two witches.

"Oh, you know what I mean!"

"Right," Hermione replied cautiously. She shook her head and turned towards the white board.

"Maybe we should focus on a more immediate concern," she decided, writing Snape's name on the white board. "So why shouldn't we extract our revenge in a way that sends him to Azkaban?"

The other three looked at Hermione and snorted.

"Right, here's an easier one…what does Snape do?"

"He's the school's potions master," said Susan.

Hermione nodded and wrote that job on the board.

"We could always get another one," Harry countered.

"Solutions later," said his girlfriend. "Let's get all of his jobs down first."

"Head of Slytherin, then."

Lisa nodded. "I think he brews potions for the Infirmary?"

"Oh, I did not want to hear that," Harry replied with disgust.

"What else, then?" asked Hermione.

Harry had "Headmaster's Butt Boy" on the tip of his tongue, and really wanted to spit it out. But then he considered the gay-bashing aspect of the title, and his better angels won some restraint.

"He is supposed to be teaching me Occlumency," he noted. "And Dumbledore claims that he needs Snape around to mentally spy on Umbridge."

Hermione nodded and added these tasks to Snape's whiteboard resume.

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Death Eater double agent, I suppose."

"Need to at least consider it," his girlfriend noted with sympathy. "Anything else?" she added.

When the other three shook their heads she wrote "New Potions Professor" on the board and added, "So what about his other roles?"

"Finding a replacement Potions professor or a Head of House for Slytherin should be Dumbledore's problem," Harry growled. "I mean…we shouldn't be expected to do everything for him, right?"

"No, Harry," his girlfriend sighed. "But we have to consider the potential consequences of our actions. If Dumbledore couldn't find a timely replacement, then who is the Ministry going to dump on us? Could be just as worse as Umbridge, and…and….we do have our O.W.L.'s to worry about, right?"

Harry rolled his eyes and smiled. "Yes, Dear," he said in a monotone.

"Don't you 'Yes, Dear' me, Mister!" Hermione gently scolded. She then added, "What if there are potions that Snape invented, or tricky potions that only he or a few others could brew?"

"Potions that a replacement professor might not be skilled enough to make?" asked Lisa.

Harry frowned, and muttered, "Wolvesbane."

"That might be one," said Hermione.

"There are werewolves in Hogwarts?" asked Susan.

"There was one that we know of," Harry replied. "We can check if Snape is still brewing that potion for him."

Lisa and Susan didn't know about Remus' condition, but didn't ask for details.

"How are you going to learn Occlumency?" Hermione asked Harry.

"You mean that I'm learning it now?"

Hermione arched an eyebrow.

"Okay, so I know a bit more than when I started, and the taunting Frenchman routine worked really well when I had a chance to prepare. But I don't think I'm close to building the passive defenses that would be needed to guard against surprise attacks."

"So you still need lessons," Lisa stated. "Is Snape the only person who can provide them?"

"That's what Dumbledore claims."

"There's only one person in all of the wizarding world that can teach Occlumency?" asked Susan.

"Headmaster wants the lessons kept quiet," Hermione explained. "If word got out, people in the Ministry or the bad guys might ask why they were needed."

"There's a difference?" Harry snarked.

Susan frowned and punched her pretend boyfriend in the arm.

"My Auntie works in the Ministry!"

Harry pursed his lips. "Erm…yes, Dear."

"Hey!" Hermione hissed, punching her boyfriend's other arm.

Lisa shook her head. "If it's supposed to be a secret, then why did Professor Snape tip off Draco about what he saw in Harry's head?"

"Because the rules don't apply to him?" asked Harry.

Hermione shook her head. "He didn't have to tell Draco how he got the information."

"You're defending Snape?" asked Harry.

"No, just playing Devil's Advocate."

"Same thing."

"There are logistical issues," Hermione continued. "Trying to sneak an outside instructor into the castle each week for lessons, or sneaking Harry out…"

"So what if it has to be somebody in the Castle giving the lessons?" asked Susan. "Is Snape the only professor who could teach Occlumency?"

"Dumbledore knows how to do it," said Harry. "But won't teach me."

"Why not?"

"He won't say."

Lisa asked, "Anybody else?"

Hermione shrugged. "The Headmaster knows how bad things are between Harry and Snape…if there was another professor with the same skills, then why wouldn't he ask them?"

"Because he hopes that forcing the Greasy Haired Git and Harry to spend time together will turn them into best friends?" Susan snarked.

"Has to be something more than just that."

"Maybe it's not enough to be a Hogwarts Professor," Harry stated. "Maybe you also have to be a member of Dumbledore's little club?"

A brief description of the history and goals of the Order of the Phoenix was then provided to Susan and Lisa.

"Professor McGonagall would be the only other option if this were the case," Hermione noted.

"Why should it matter?" asked Harry.

"Maybe he doesn't fully trust any of the other faculty?" asked Susan.

"It should be more a matter of whom I trust," Harry spat. "Since it's my brain that is being invaded and memories rifled through."

"Yes, Dear," Hermione said, reaching out and giving her boyfriend a sympathetic squeeze on his arm.

"It would be nice if there was somebody on staff that we trusted," noted Susan. "Somebody who could teach all of us how to protect our thoughts and memories."

"That would be very useful," Lisa agreed. "Then we wouldn't have to be doing all of this bed jumping and pretending."

"Oh, yes…there is that…that advantage, I mean," Susan said.

"Absolutely," Harry was quick to agree.

An awkward moment of silence followed, as each of the four teen-agers considered not only what they thought about this possibility, but what they should be thinking about it, being the good girlfriends or boyfriends that they were.

"That still leaves the spying on Umbridge and spying for Dumbledore excuses," Harry finally noted. "The first could be solved easily enough by getting her sacked."

"But what about her replacement…he or she could be even worse!" said Hermione.

The other three looked at the Muggleborn witch with incredulous expressions on their faces.

"Okay, so it's a slim possibility," Hermione added. "But what if Snape really is a valuable double agent?"

"What if he's a double agent more loyal to Voldie?" Harry countered. "Dumbledore says that he has complete confidence in Snape, but…I don't trust him, and given his track record on DADA hires he might not have the best sense of judgment."

"If he really is loyal to Dumbledore for whatever reason…" Hermione said.

"Because he's the Headmaster's Butt Boy?" Harry thought.

"Then maybe we should just focus on getting him sacked?" asked Susan. "Let him do contract potion brewing, or something…keep him out of Azkaban and allow him to continue working as a spy?"

Harry frowned. "But what if he really isn't loyal?" he asked.

"So let's say that the goal is to get him sacked, and then we somehow determine whether he's got some usefulness beyond feeding Azkaban's Dementors," Hermione concluded.

"Maybe that's where Auntie can help," Susan offered. "She's certainly got access to Veritiserum, and that would force him to say where his true loyalties lie."

Harry snorted. "If only it were that easy…not just that she'd be willing to give us some, but that she could send it to us without the package being intercepted by Umbridge."

"So we just send Snape to her instead," Susan countered.

"Does he have to be sent in one piece?" Harry asked.

The other three looked at the teen-aged wizard and sighed.

"Yes."

"Damn."

Hermione turned to the board. "To recap, then…before we act decisively we need to check on other potential Occlumency instructors, ask Susan's Auntie about Veritiserum, and ask Madame Pomfrey and Remus about their supply of potions."

Hearing his former professor's name again jarred Harry's memory. He groaned, and dropped his face into his hands.

"What's wrong?" asked Susan.

Her pretend boyfriend looked up. "Attacking Snape could put my godfather at risk."

"Your godfather?" asked Lisa. "What do you mean?"

Harry's eyes met Hermione's. Each was thinking about the same thing…the extent to which Lisa and Susan should be brought into the fold and told all of the behind-the-scenes facts about his life and their adventures.

He didn't think there was a problem…he trusted the two witches, and they were certainly trusting them to keep their most intimate secrets close.

Hermione felt the same way, but worried a bit that each shared secret would bring the other two witches closer into a "Golden Foursome." She clamped down on those thoughts, for fear that someone would pick up on them and start chattering about a Golden Harem. Hermione then arched her eyebrow and tilted her chin towards Harry…a wordless message indicating that it was up to him to decide.

Harry shrugged, turned towards Lisa and Susan, and dove into a telling of the Sirius Black back story that is so familiar to you, the reader, that it need not be recounted here.

It was easy for the two witches to see the potential risks once they were brought up to speed…if they brought Snape down, Snape would retaliate, and try to get back at Harry by bringing Sirius down with him. The git couldn't bypass the Fidelius and reveal his godfather's hiding place, but could talk about how much help he had been receiving…and who had been providing it. Shacklebolt, Tonks, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley…anyone in the Order could be charged with aiding and abetting a dangerous fugitive based on Snape's testimony. Or anyone who'd stayed at Grimmauld Place, including the Twins, or Ron, or Hermione.

And that was just what Snape could do…although Harry chose not to voice his concerns again. Given how little he trusted the Headmaster, he wouldn't put it past the manipulative old bastard to give up Sirius himself, in a act of petty revenge should Harry take away his pet Death Eater.

The-Boy-Who-Lived expelled a deep breath of air, upon which was carried a whispered expletive.

"Fuck!"

Hermione decided to agree with the sentiment, rather than admonish the language.

"So Snape is safe until Sirius is free," she declared.

Susan furrowed her eyebrows.

"It's not the end of the world, is it?" she asked. "We have to talk with my Auntie anyway, why don't we just ask for her help clearing your godfather's name?"

"Do you think she'd be able to help?" asked Hermione.

"Don't know if we don't ask."

"Do you think she'd be willing to help?" Harry asked.

Susan shrugged. "Well, you are my boyfriend, right?"

Harry frowned.

"And that'd be enough for her?"

The Hufflepuff giggled nervously. "You're right, Harry. She's far more likely to offer help if you were my fiance."

The relative placement of bodies in Harry's bed meant that it was Susan's right shoulder and left foot that were slapped in protest by the other two witches.

"Susan!"

"It's just a joke!"

There was a uneasy moment of silence, as the charmed bed curtains and the Room's walls prevented any chants from reaching their ears.

Harry motioned towards the whiteboard. "So how are we going to contact Susan's Auntie? Or, more importantly, how are we going to take Snape down?"

Hermione frowned. "Probably best that you weren't involved in the technical details right now, Harry."

"Why is that?"

"Because…well, I know how much you don't like having other people make decisions for you …"

"But…..?"

"But you've got another Remedial Potions lesson with Snape coming up tomorrow night. We aren't going to have things ready by then, so…so why risk tipping him off?"

Harry thought about this for a moment, then sighed. "So until my shields are good enough, I can't give him anything juicy to bite down on."

Lisa chuckled nervously. "As if there isn't enough for him to feast on right now."

Hermione's eyes flashed with concern. "Just because he can't tell anyone else about what he sees in Harry's head, Snape could still find a way…what if he dropped into this conversation, for example?"

"Won't work…bed's crowded enough as it is," Harry quipped.

"Is that a complaint?" Susan teased.

"Erm…."

"Maybe that's what we need to focus," Hermione decided.

"What…focus on keeping this bed crowded?" Harry asked.

Hermione arched an eyebrow in her boyfriend's direction.

"Maybe we could do both," Lisa offered.

"Both what?"

"Focus on keeping both Harry's bed and his short-term memory banks crowded."

"Just what are you suggesting?" asked Hermione warily.

Lisa smiled, stretched up her arms, then dropped one arm around Susan's shoulder, using the classic "smooth move" of a boy hoping to grope his date in a movie theater.

"I don't know," she said slyly. "After all of this serious discussion, maybe Susan and you could use a relaxing soak…you know, like we talked about the other night in your bed?"

Susan turned towards her girlfriend.

"You were talking about Hermione and me taking a bath together?" she asked. "In her bed? What else were you two doing there?"

"Nothing more than you and Harry, Susan," Hermione declared. "I still don't know…"

She stared at the other two witches and chewed on her lower lip as she considered Lisa's suggestion. Then she turned towards Harry and squinted a bit.

"What?" he asked.

His girlfriend took in a short breath and held it. Two seconds later, she expelled that breath and nodded.

"Need to do it sooner or later," she said quietly, throwing a nervous look down the length of the bed towards Lisa and Susan.

"Do what?" Harry asked.

"Have you ask the Room to change into its version of the Prefect's Bath."

"So that you and Susan could take a soak together?"

"Amongst other things," Lisa snarked.

Hermione's cheeks blushed bright red. Too embarrassed to explain out loud, she leaned over and began whispering in his ear.

Harry listened for a few moments, then exclaimed, "You want me rub one off while you all three of you are in the bath?"

"Well, yes," Hermione whispered. "Although it's not like our attentions won't be elsewhere…"

"Oh, yeah...that's right. I imagine that it'd be hard to watch me wank while your face is buried in Susan's fanny."

"Buried where?" asked a blushing Hufflepuff.

Lisa let out a deep breath. "Since it was my idea…"

Hermione was quick to nod her agreement.

"Right then," the Ravenclaw continued. "We've spent a fair bit of time tweaking Susan's memories."

"And tweaking other things as well," Harry thought to himself.

"But the way things are presently," Lisa continued, "Harry is the one most likely to have his memories pilfered."

"Because of my Occlumency lessons," he agreed.

"So what do we do about what you saw in the Owlry?" Lisa asked.

"I thought that was why we've done all this?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but is it enough?" Hermione asked. "If we're going to represent the memories of what you and I have done as your pervy fantasies about your best friend, and also convince Snape that what you saw Lisa and Susan doing was a pervy fantasy, then, well…"

"Then you need at least one more fantasy," Lisa concluded. "If you have Susan for a girlfriend, but are dreaming about shagging Hermione, and also dreaming about girl-girl scenes involving your girlfriend Susan, then it makes sense that you'd construct a wanking fantasy involving Susan and Hermione."

"In a three way?" asked Harry.

"Don't you have enough memories of the three of us sharing a bed?" Hermione teased. "No, we're talking about you wanking as you watch Susan and me do what…what you saw them doing while you rubbed one off in the Owlry."

Harry's eyes went wide. "And that's where you having your face buried in Susan's fanny comes in?"

Hermione shrugged. "It's where me pretending to have my face buried in Susan's fanny, comes into play, Sweetheart."

"But you don't want me to pretend masturbate, do you?"

"Would you really need to do any pretending, Harry?"

The teen-aged wizard sighed, and turned towards Susan.

"So were you in on this idea?"

The Hufflepuff shook her head vigorously.

"First I've heard about it."

"So what do you think about this little scheme?"

Susan chewed on her lower lip, then turned towards her girlfriend.

"Where will you be while all this is happening, Lisa?"

The Ravenclaw witch smiled nervously.

"Well, assuming that Harry lets me borrow his invisibility cloak, I'll be someplace in between Hermione's lips and your fanny."

Susan let out a really deep breath, which drew the others' attention towards her chest, where there was clear physical evidence about what she thought of the idea.

Either that or it was cold in the room.

"So it'd be the same as when I pretended to give Harry a hand job, or when I pretended to suck him off?" the Hufflepuff asked.

The words used in phrasing this question only amplified the thoughts (and physical reactions) of the other three. They all sat there for a few moments, until Hermione finally said, "That was the rough idea."

"So there is going to be some rough play?" Harry teased.

"You wish!" Hermione hissed.

"But am I the only one wishing for that?" Harry quipped.

The snarky question earned him punches in both arms, from two different directions.

"Okay, okay…so no spanking," Harry protested. "So we're really going to do this, then?"

The other three exchanged glances, holding a silent conversation amongst themselves. Once they reached consensus, Hermione turned towards her boyfriend and nodded her head.

"Looks like it."

This answer forced even more blood flow towards his crotch, forcing Harry to attempt a discrete adjustment to his trousers.

The attempt failed.

"Oh, don't bother," Hermione whined, placing her hand over top of his. She pulled the hand back and exposed the tent in her boyfriend's trousers.

"It's not as if we couldn't already tell what you think of the idea."

"Erm…Hermione…that's the point, isn't it?" Susan snarked.

Lisa snorted. "As if your nips aren't just as indicative, girlfriend!"

"Don't blame me…you two were the ones that came up with the idea!"

Hermione sighed, worrying about how things seemed to be spiraling out of control.

Then she thought of a way that she might turn up the heat, but lessen the chances of any of them getting burned.

She asked, "So as long as we're waiting…maybe we should flesh out the choreography, so to speak?"

Lisa chuckled. "What do you mean, Hermione?"

"Well, I'm just saying…if we go over in detail what will happen, and in what order, it might…might lessen the chances of a misstep."

"You mean mislick?" Harry quipped.

"Har-ry!"

"Yes, Dear…so are you thinking about a dress rehearsal?"

"More like an undressed rehearsal," Susan quipped.

"Susan!"

"Yes, Dear."

"Not you as well," Hermione complained. "If it matters, I was thinking that we talk through the steps first…talking, not touching."

"Or licking."

"Pretend licking!"

"Yes, Dear."

"Stop it, Harry!" Hermione replied. "So is everyone other than my horny boyfriend okay with the idea?"

Getting general agreement, the Muggleborn witch scooted away from the headboard.

"Budge over," she asked Susan.

"Why…?" asked Harry.

"Because you need to imagine being by yourself, and I need to imagine myself being rather…close…to Susan as we talk things through."

"Makes sense to me," Lisa replied brightly, as she pulled her girlfriend into her lap.

Harry's eyes nearly popped when Susan reached down and unbuttoned the top of her Muggle jeans.

"I thought it was talking instead of touching or licking?" he asked.

"Just getting comfortable," Susan replied.

Hermione giggled. "Maybe you should be blindfolded, Harry…that way you can imagine it being totally realistic."

"While you all imagine that I'm rubbing one off at the same time?"

Susan smiled. "Hey don't let us stop you, boyfriend."

"Are you serious?"

"Not like we haven't seen it before."

"Speak for yourself, Sue," said Lisa.

"What?" asked Hermione. "What about the other night in the Room of Requirement?"

Lisa snorted. "Didn't ever get a clear view of Harry's bits…for some reason every time I looked up you were hiding them…either in your mouth, or between your legs, or…"

"How about yesterday morning, then?" Hermione asked.

Lisa shrugged. "I was facing away from you two, and focusing more on my girfriend's bum than your boyfriend's bits."

"Okay, I get the idea," said Hermione. "So Lisa…you'd rather not watch Harry masturbate?"

"I didn't say that," the Ravenclaw replied.

"Do I have a say here?" Harry asked.

Hermione rolled her eyes as she transfigured a sock into a longer bit of fabric and covered his eyes. "Why don't you keep it in your pants for now, Harry," she decided.

"Erm…right," he skeptically replied. "So how is this going to start?"

"Well…it starts when the Prefect's Bath appears," said Hermione. "Susan and I will walk in with you."

"Where is Lisa?" asked Harry.

"If I borrow your cloak, then I'm nowhere to be seen," said the Ravenclaw.

"So if the Room of Requirement gets the details right, we will be enveloped in a room full of warm, deliciously fragrant mist. You will ask about swim costumes…Susan suggests that we just wear our underwear. I smile, and say that would be a good idea…if only I was wearing underwear."

Harry groaned at the thought.

"So then what happens?"

"Susan gives me a wicked grin," Hermione continued. "And when I tell her that the tub lets you sit in water up to your neck, she suggests that we all just soak starkers. Then…"

"And then I say that the mist is really thick," Susan interjected. "So if we each stood far enough apart we couldn't see the others undressing."

"Oh, really?" asked Harry. "So that's what we do?"

"Erm…yeah, that works," Hermione replied. "So we separate….maybe ten or fifteen feet. The three of us all agree that we're far apart enough, but we all know better."

"We do?"

"There's mist in between us, but not enough to obscure our views," said Hermione. "Especially when Susan and I start to inch back towards each other…closer…and closer…until I can reach out and touch her."

"So you…you're touching her?" Harry hissed.

"Not that way, you naughty boy," Susan quipped. "At least not yet…first we have to help each other out of our clothes."

"My fingers drag across her chest as I pull off her robes and unhook her bra," Hermione cooed. "She shivers when I slowly slip it off…lean forward…and catch a nipple lightly in between my teeth."

"Her hands drop towards my hips," Susan continued. "Thumbs hook inside the waist band of my knickers…Hermione drops down onto her knees right in front of me. I can feel her hot breath on the front of my knickers…"

"And I can see…and smell…just how excited Susan is," said Hermione, using a husky tone of voice. "That's when I look back over my shoulder and ask Harry if he can see what we are doing."

"And what do I do then?" asked Harry.

"You lie."

"So I really can see you two going at it?"

"Oh, yes," Susan purred. "Just like we can see when you reach down and grind the base of your palm against the front of your trousers...and then you unfasten them…and slowly pull your zipper down…"

"So where is Lisa at this point?" asked Harry.

"She is still nowhere to be seen."

"I could be back in my dormitory," said Lisa. "Or I could be right there next to you, watching what you are watching, and pulling my arms back from the sleeves of your invisibility cloak so that I can reach down under them and do some grinding of my own."

"Ohh….yes….." Susan hissed.

"So then I turn back towards Susan and pull down her knickers," said Hermione. "I am supposed to do it nice and slow, but I'm so impatient…and so excited…and damp…"

"But we don't know that because you're still dressed, silly," Susan quipped. "I pull you back up to your feet and….and I rip off your robes. And you prove right there that you really aren't wearing any underwear."

"And Susan and I begin to kiss…and run our hands over each other's bodies," said Hermione. "She starts to drop onto her own knees in front of me, but I stop her, and instead lead her towards the tub. We both step in, and I guide Susan to the far side of the water. She turns back towards you, Harry, and lifts herself up so that she can rest her bum on the edge of the tub."

"And then I spread my legs," Susan purred. "Spread them wide, and reach down so that I can spread myself wider…"

"Then I squat down in the water," Hermione continued. "Just low enough so that when I scoot forward my head is in between her upper thighs…and I stick my tongue towards its target…"

"Oh, Dear God!" Harry hissed. "And…and where is Lisa, again?"

"Well, Harry…if I was there under your invisibility cloak…I might be on the edge of the tub as well," Lisa replied. "And I might stretch my invisible hand out and cup Susan's fanny…so that when Hermione's tongue makes skin contact, that tongue is licking the back of my hand, instead of licking my girlfriend's clitoris."

"And Lisa's fingers start to rub me," whispered Susan. "And I get even more excited, and I begin to moan…and from what Harry sees it's because Hermione is licking me, and teasing me with little nibbles right…oh, yes…right there!"

Harry frowned.

"This is just a dry run, right?"

"Anything but dry right now," Susan hissed.

"So you are you three acting this out now?"

"Not as far as you know, Harry."

"Urrgh!"

"Just focus your mind on the scene, Harry," Lisa instructed. "You are standing in the Prefect's Bath while your best friend Hermione is eating out your girlfriend Susan…and you can't help yourself and you strip down fully naked and begin to rub while you watch."

"Erm right…I can do that," Harry replied weakly.

"Can you?" Hermione asked. "Do you have a really clear picture in your mind of what is going to happen when we do this for real?"

"Oh, yes."

"You can see me eating Susan out?"

" Yes..."

"And you can hear her moaning…and her urging me to lick harder?"

"Uh-huh."

"And you can smell the scented bath, and you can smell your girlfriend's excitement?"

"Yes-s-s-s-s…."

"And you can feel yourself getting close to an orgasm?"

"For real…or just in my mind?"

"Har-ry…."

"Ok, yes…I'm watching Hermione eat out my girlfriend, and Susan is getting wilder and wilder, and she's reaching up and pinching her own nipples as she squeezes Hermione's head in between her thighs…and then Susan begins to shake all over…and then I can't help myself and I go over the edge…and…and…"

"Don't stop now, Harry!" Susan hissed.

"And then I gather my clothes and slip out of the owlry before I'm caught out."

"You mean that you slip out of the Prefect's Bath?" asked Lisa.

"Erm..right. That."

Harry heard Hermione let out a deep breath.

"Okay, then…does everyone know what to do?"

"Yes."

"Everyone got the scene firmly fixed in their minds."

"Yes!"

"Especially you, Harry?"

"Yes, Hermione!"

The teen-aged wizard felt somebody reach up and unfasten his blindfold. He opened his eyes, then quickly shifted his gaze towards the Map, so as not to be accused of perving on the two hot and bothered witches who were discretely groping each other at the base of the bed.

"The hallway is still clear outside of the Room," he noted.

"Good," said Hermione. "Dobby?"

The House Elf popped onto the bed in between the two couples.

"Yes, Missy Harry Potter Sir's Alpha Missus?"

Hermione glanced towards Susan and Lisa and smiled.

"Will you take these two to the real Prefect's Bath, and make sure that they can use it without being bothered by anyone else?"

Dobby looked at the lesbian couple and smiled.

"Dobby can be making Miss Lisa indivisible, so it be looking like the Great Harry Potter Sir's Girl-girlfriend be in the bath be her lonesomes even when her girl-girlfriend be there too sharing her toys!"

Hermione had just enough time to thank the House Elf before he spirited the other two witches away.

"What is that all about?" Harry groaned. "Lisa didn't take my cloak…and I thought that Susan was going to be with us when we walked to the Bath?"

"That's how it went in your head, right Harry?"

"Yes."

"That's how the scene unfolded…a scene so strongly formed in your mind that you can not only see it, but smell it, and feel it?"

"That's what you wanted me to do, right?"

"Absolutely," Hermione giggled. "And now, since you've built such a strong fantasy scene in your head…there's no need for us to act it out for real, right?"

"Erm…right?"

"Good."

"So we aren't going to share either the real Prefect's Bath or the pretend Prefect's Bath with Susan and Lisa…and you aren't going to pretend to go down on her?"

Hermione couldn't help herself, and giggled at her boyfriend's visible frustration.

"Oh, Harry…we've revved you up, haven't we?"

"Damn right you have...they're probably turning blue right now."

"Even after I helped drain them last night?"

"What can I say?" asked Harry. "I'm a teen-aged boy...and you tell very naughty stories."

"So what would you rather me do?" Hermione asked coyly. "I can either pretend to go down on Susan later, or go down on you now…for real?"

Harry's eyes dilated as he reached for his trouser zipper. That was a very easy choice for him to make.