CHAPTER ELEVEN

The Blame Game

He stared at her crumpled body at the bottom of the stairs, horrified. She wasn't moving. She looked like a rag doll with her arms and legs lying in unnatural positions. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run to her. The problem was he seemed frozen in place unable to move. What had he done?

The next few hours were a haze. Somehow he had managed to call 911. Then he sat next to her holding back tears as he waited for someone to come and save her because he could not save her. How could he when he was the one who had destroyed her?

After the EMT arrived it all went really fast. Now sitting at the hospital waiting to hear how she was, waiting for Emmett to show up, and waiting to have explain what had happened; time had stopped. Just as his heart had.

"Where is she?" Emmett demanded as he came rushing into the hospital with Rosalie right behind him.

"I don't know. No one is telling me anything," Jasper moaned thinking that he really needed a drink. He needed more than one drink. But he had already had too many. If he hadn't been drinking to begin with he might have been able to save her. What had he done?

"What the hell happened?" Emmett demanded.

"She lost her footing on the stairs outside the club. It happened so fast. Before I could blink she was lying there at the bottom of the stairs," he told him leaving out all the other details.

"Are you sure that is all that happened?" he questioned not believing for one second that was the end of what happened.

"Yeah," he said but couldn't look him in the eyes when he said it.

"What the hell was she even doing there anyways?" he questioned, wanting answers. The last time that he had talked to his sister, she told him that it was over for good with them. He had believed her so why was she there?

"She had something to talk to me about," he told him not telling him what that was. God the baby! He had almost forgotten. How had he forgotten? What had he done?

"Exactly what did she need to talk to you about?" Emmett demanded through gritted teeth, grabbing him by the shirt. He should have killed Jasper the moment he found out about him and his sister. He had known deep down in his soul that Jasper was going to hurt her he just never knew it would be physically. God, what had he done?

"Emmett, stop it. Blaming him is not going to help anything. If Bella was over there she must have had her reasons," Rosalie informed him trying to pull him off Jasper, "Look, here comes the doctor."

"How is my sister?" Emmett questioned letting Jasper off the hook for the moment but he knew there was more to his story than what he was letting on. If he had to beat it out of him he would find out what had really happened.

"She is going to be okay. Amazingly, she mostly received just some bad bruises. She did hit her head and we were worried about some injury to her brain but she is awake now and appears okay. We are going to do a few tests to make sure but she was very lucky. I'm sorry but I can't say the same for her baby," he let out and Emmett and Rosalie's eyes both flew open in shock and disbelief. Jasper hung his head and felt his heart break in a way that couldn't be repaired, "The first few months are fragile and the fall caused a miscarriage. I'm sorry."

"Does she know?" Jasper asked numb. What had he done?

"We told her. She is in her room now resting. We gave her something for the pain so she might be a little out of it. You can go see her," the doctor told them.

"Thank-you doctor," Rosalie said as she felt Emmett's body go ridged.

Jasper didn't speak to either of them. He just turned to walk out needing to get away. He knew that Bella wouldn't want to see him. Why would she? He knew that he couldn't even look at himself. He couldn't face her either. He made it just out the doors when he felt someone come up from behind and grab him, throwing him to the ground. A second later Emmett stood over him with pure rage in his eyes.

"This…you did all this to her. I want to know now what the fuck happened tonight."

"Get off of me. I love her and it was my baby too," Jasper hissed as tears started to form in his eyes as it really hit him. The pain in his chest was like having a thousand pounds sitting right there pressing down.

"Emmett, enough…" Rosalie told him, trying to pull him off. He let go and Jasper got up and look at who use to be his brother. He didn't see that person anymore. All he saw was hate and contempt.

"I love your sister and I always will. I lost a child tonight and I already lost Bella so can you please cut me some fucking slack," he demanded and walked off thinking that there was no amount of liquor that was going to kill this pain. He had lost everything.

Emmett stood there looking at the man who had been his brother and best friend, the guy who had gotten him through some tough shit and the person who had always had his back and thought he never wanted to look at his fucking face again.

"Let's go see Bella," Rosalie whispered pulling him back into the hospital.

She had been crying since she woke up and was informed in what seemed such a cold and unfeeling way that she was fine but her baby was gone. What a cruel thing to be told. No one should ever have to hear those words. Why had God done this to her? Why had he let her live and taken her child?

A wave of guilt washed over her so intense that if she was not lying down already she would have crumbled. This was all her fault. God had given her nothing she hadn't asked for. she had wished for this. she had wished she wasn't pregnant and now she wasn't.

she remembered fighting with Jasper and pulling away. She was the reason that she had fallen down those stairs. She had wanted to get away from him so bad that she hadn't thought about anything other than that. Look what she had done thinking only of herself?

As much as she thought that she didn't want this child now that she had lost it she felt like she had lost a part of herself that could never be replaced. This was something that you never get over she thought. No amount of time was going to heal her broken soul.

"How are you feeling?" she heard and looked over to see Emmett standing there.

"Sore," she whispered not knowing how to face him. He must know everything. She felt so ashamed. She could only imagine what he thought about her.

"I'm sure," he said thinking that he didn't know what to say to her, "I'm sorry."

"It's my fault…," she groaned as the tears slipped out again.

"Nothing is your fault. It was an accident, right?" he asked wanting her to tell him the truth… that somehow Jasper had done all this.

"I slipped on the stairs," she told him not able to tell him the truth.

"Jasper had nothing to do with it?"

"No, he tried to hold on to me," Bella explained to him thinking that he had been trying to keep her there and she had been fighting to get away. If she had just not been struggling with him none of this would have happened.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Bella didn't need for him to explain what he was talking about. She knew what he wanted to know.

"I just found out myself. I was there tonight to tell Jasper," she softly answered and then thought… what about Jasper? "Does he know? Does Jasper know about the baby?" she questioned of Emmett secretly wondering why he hadn't been there to see her. All she could think was that he didn't care what happened to her or their child.

"He was there when the doctor told us."

"Is he here?" she couldn't stop herself from asking. As much as she hadn't wanted to see him earlier, all she wanted was to see him now. He was the only one who could understand this emptiness she felt.

"No. He left. Rosalie is here though. Do you want to talk to her?"

"No."

Bella woke up hours later. It was dark in her room but she could see someone sitting in the chair next to her. She figured that it was Emmett. He had left hours ago when she told him she just want to be alone and sleep but she figured that he had come back anyways.

"I thought I told you to go home?"

"If that is what you really want."

"Jasper."

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. They told me you were but I wanted to make sure for myself. I knew that you were not going to want to see me so I waited until you were sleeping," he explained to her moving into the light by her bed.

He looked like hell. It looked like he might have been crying and or drinking. She could see the pain in his face. She hurt for him. Tears flooded her eyes as they shared a glance that only the two of them could understand. It was that of despair over the lose they shared, the love that had been there once, and the understanding that nothing could change any of it.

"Well I better get out of here and let you get some sleep," he told her not able to stand there and look at the tears in her eyes, the tears he had caused.

"I'm sorry," she said to him. This was her doing.

"You have no reason to be sorry. This mess, the pain is all me. I am alone in the blame," he told her, looking at her thinking how sad and broken she looked. He had taken an innocence, sweet girl and totally destroyed her, "I'm going out of town for a while. I need some time. I was just going to leave but I felt like I should tell you."

"When are you coming back?" she questioned.

"I'm not sure, maybe never."

'Maybe never' echoed around in her mind taking over all other thoughts. Jasper had left town and he had told her he might not be coming back. She knew that he was leaving because of her. Even though he said he was at fault she knew that he blamed her and couldn't stand to be around her.

Only weeks ago all she had wanted was to be free of Jasper and all the memories that she couldn't leave behind. She had just wanted to forget that there had ever been a Jasper. He had hurt her so bad. He had taken her dreams of happiness and taught her that it didn't exist. Even when she found out that she was going to have his child she had not wanted it because it meant Jasper was still going to be in her life.

Now the baby was gone, Jasper was gone, and all she wanted now was what she had wished away. Somewhere in her brain there was a voice laughing telling her, 'be careful what you wish for.'

"Ready to go?" Emmett asked coming to take her home from the hospital the next day.

"I hope I never ever see the inside of this place again."

Sleep to escape was all Bella wanted but it eluded her. The days and nights that followed was full of nightmares and memories of what use to be. She locked herself up in her apartment refusing to see anyone. She could not face them. The last thing she wanted was to hear another I'm sorry.

She spent every second thinking about and picking apart her life since the moment she had met Jasper. All the things that went right and all the things that went wrong she analogizing. Blame that she wanted to put solely on him she realized was hers too. She had as much to do with their failure as he did.

Then there was a baby that was gone but had never really been there. She cried over the lost and thought about who that little person would have been. Was it a boy or girl? Would it have looked like her or Jasper? What name would they have picked out? Mostly she wondered if it would have brought her and Jasper back together.

Then a minute after thinking all that she would have a flash of maybe this was the best thing that could have happened. She knew that neither of them was ready to have a baby. What if they did get back together? Would it have been for the child or because there was real love there? But she knew the answer to that without asking it.

Hate was what she felt for herself for even thinking that losing the baby was for the best. She was the most horrible person ever. She deserved all the bad things that had happened to her and more.

"Bella I can stand here and bang on the door for the rest of the day but the neighbors might get pissed." The voice from behind her locked door announced. Edward was the last person she thought would show up. She hadn't seen or heard from him since that day she told him about her and Jasper.

"I don't want to see anyone so please just go away," she told him through the door. She couldn't face him.

"You know you can't hide in there forever."

"That's what you think."

"Okay then I guess that I will be sitting outside your door forever too," he informed her and she heard him hit the door with his back.

"Fine," she let out thinking that the last thing she wanted was to have the neighbors talking about her. She opened the door to stare out at Edward and his big cheesy smile of victory.

"I knew that would work," he said slipping into her apartment.

"I'm in no mood for company. Please just go and leave me alone," she pleaded with him.

"This place is a mess and so are you. When is the last time that you took a shower? Come on go get in the shower and I'll start picking up," he ordered her.

"Edward…"

"Just do it."

"You are not the boss of me."

"Either you go get in the shower or I will put you in there myself."

"You would not dare."

"Try me."

By the look in his eyes she knew that he was serious and she conceded and willing went in and took a shower. She had to admit as she came out she felt better. It was as if the hot water had washed away some of her pain.

"Pizza is on the way and I have some new release of some chick flick for us to watch," he informed her, having magically cleared the piles of mess that had been forming all over her apartment.

"I do really appreciate what you are trying to do but I can't," she told him, sinking down in the chair.

"I know and you never will be if you lock yourself away in a self imposed jail," he told her and then told her, "I know about the baby and the accident. Sorry is not a strong enough word."

"How do you know?" she asked, thinking at least she didn't have to tell him herself. That was not a conversation that she could go through with him.

"Rosalie. I ran into her and she told me. I realize that you suffered a horrible lose and I know you are hurting but you have to try to move on. As you found life is fragile and nothing that you should take for granite. The best way to honor your child is to live," Edward told her, and then added, "I know that when you told me about you and him I kind of freaked. You have to know that it was just a shock to me. It hurt too. I just needed time to wrap my head around it. I realized though that it didn't matter. I never got to tell you that. I would have still been there with you if that was what you wanted and I'll be with you now if you still want me in your life," he laid out to her

"It doesn't matter now," she told him not sure if she believed him or not. It didn't matter though nothing mattered anymore.

"It matters to me that you know I'm not some guy that is going to bail the second that something bad happens or when things gets ruff. I'm a stick with you through thick and thin type of person and I want to be here for you now and always. Please forgive my moment of weakness and more than anything I was afraid that you were going to go back to him and I was going to lose someone that I care a lot about," he laid out to her. He knew that she was destroyed inside but he also knew that she was strong and if she let him he would be there for her to help her through.

"Edward I know that you are not that type of guy. If you were than there is no way that you would be here now. I don't blame you for having a reaction to what I told you. It was completely understandable," she told him and in that moment when he smiled at her, the smallest ray of light touched her heart and she knew if she was ever going to get through this she needed him, "I really could use a friend right now. Thank you for being here to make me see that what I was doing was doing me no good."

"All I've ever wanted was to be there for you," he told her, wrapping his arms around her.

The question was would she let him.