A/N: I truly never intended to go more than 2 weeks between updates, but this chapter was the bane of my existence for a while. It simply wouldn't come out right, and I thank jessypt a million times for dealing with multiple versions of it for me. Lucky for you, the next chapter is already written, so to make up for my absence, I'll post it within a few days :)
~Bella~
Over-qualified for this job. Not the right experience for that one. Job hunting had continued to be an utter failure, so while I persisted with my search, I had been talking to Kate about coming back to the restaurant. The present issue was first to find a used car I could afford with the money from Edward's insurance company. Then, I would have to coordinate child care. Kate offered to help with Ruthie occasionally, as did Angela, but there was still so much left to coordinate.
I paused from my one-handed Internet browsing and unlatched my snoozing baby girl from my breast. She had fallen asleep, presumably having filled her little belly, and I was hoping it meant she would allow me to move her to the crib.
Settling onto the couch, I had just pulled my laptop onto my lap when my phone rang.
"Hey."
I smiled instantly, despite my niggling stress. Edward always seemed to know when to call.
"How did things go today?" I asked, and our small talk began.
Fall was moving by in a blur, and Edward was busy with work. He traveled a lot more, but absence most certainly made our hearts grow fonder. He would call me at night when he was away, telling me about people he had met or things he had seen. In return, I would text him photos of Ruthie, who was growing so quickly I could hardly believe it. Our relationship had been a slow progression so far. I was still tired all the time, but my need for Angela's assistance tapered. She continued to come by to spend time with me or bring the boys around to play, but it was as my friend. She was always pressing me for details, in a sweet sort of way, but I didn't really have anything new to tell her about Edward and me.
The time Edward and I had together always seemed to revolve around Ruthie. She could easily draw our attention to her and her alone, but I treasured each moment. Edward simply adored her, and I laughed when he bought her a little Chicago Bears onesie. I had never been much of a sports fan myself, but I didn't mind him dressing her to match the jersey he wore each Sunday during football season.
After he had filled me in on his day and I'd recapped Ruthie's cute moments of the day, he asked the question I didn't want to answer.
"Any luck with the job search?"
"None," I answered with a disheartened sigh. "I talked to Kate, and she said I can start back whenever I want."
"I wish I could help you with it," he said sincerely. "I really don't like the idea of you going back to something like that."
"It's not like it's a sketchy biker bar or something!" I protested, slightly offended.
"That's not what I meant," he responded calmly. "I just mean it's not something that will be fulfilling your potential, you know? I definitely support small businesses and owners, and I think Kate and Garrett are great, but you deserve to be more than a waitress."
I sighed, understanding his concerns. That didn't change my circumstances, though, and some paycheck would be better than none.
"Thank you. I appreciate your concerns, but it's something I need to do. My savings is going to run out pretty quickly if I don't. I'll get it figured out soon."
"I'm sorry if I come across as pushy. I know there's a lot on your plate, and if I can do anything at all to make it easier on you, I want to. Anything, Bella."
"I know; I appreciate that very much. Ruthie and I are both very lucky to have you in our lives."
I could practically hear the smile in his voice when he spoke again.
"I'm the lucky one. You two make my life so much brighter than you could ever understand. And while we're talking about serious matters, I think we should work on finalizing things with a car when I get home. We don't want to waste time on that, and I'll feel much better once it's handled."
It seemed that my attempts to avoid the car subject with Edward were futile. I had wavered on that situation so much over the passing weeks. I understood his desire to assist with such a substantial purchase, but I didn't want to be indebted to him. It was really an endless cycle of thought, but in the end, I lost that battle. Well, perhaps not lost, but I had to compromise far more than I'd intended or expected.
I didn't get a Volvo or any other sparkly new car. It was used, but with low mileage due to an elderly previous owner. The safety ratings didn't match what Edward had originally proposed, but it had side impact airbags, good gas mileage, and a roomy backseat for Ruthie. I wouldn't say Edward and I met in the middle because it was still a lot more money than I would have been able to handle on my own, but I'd accepted his generosity with humility and kept my mouth shut. I agreed to allow Edward to make a hefty down payment and cover the first six months. The money I'd received from the settlement went into a high yield savings account to accrue interest until it came time for me to take over the loan.
I was grateful beyond measure, but sometimes the thought of what I had allowed made me want to vomit. I really wasn't used to anyone taking care of me like that, but my entire world had been turned upside down when Edward literally came crashing into my life.
Returning to work was a slow progression. I started with short shifts a few days a week after getting the car because it was difficult to be away from Ruthie for too long. Of course, Kate always found excuses for me to help her with some office work or inventory rather than running the floor in the restaurant, but I tried to pretend like I didn't notice her intentions.
The restaurant didn't open until lunchtime, so one morning I had gone in to help Kate with some office work and scheduling. I didn't have a regular shift that day, so I'd brought Ruthie with me, play mat and toys in tow. After she was settled on the floor, Kate and I set to work, reviewing time off requests and employee availability to accommodate the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.
"So . . ." she began in a sing-song sort of voice. I knew what that meant: Kate was in a gossipy, girl talk mood.
"So what?" I replied, playing dumb.
"How's Edward?"
"Edward is fine. Great, actually. He's quite busy in the fall."
"Bella, I don't really care about his work life," she said, giving me a pointed look. "Dish."
I felt my cheeks grow warm instantly. There was not going to be any way to deflect this conversation. We were alone with plenty of time on our hands, and I knew from experience that Kate wouldn't give up until she got the details she wanted.
"Things are nice. He's sweet and unbelievably generous, which you already know. Ruthie absolutely adores him; I really can't believe how much she's taken to him. Anything you've ever heard about men being good with babies being a turn on is true," I added with a coy smile.
"Uh huh," she said, nodding. "And what about you? I don't think the adoration stops with this baby girl here."
"I like him a lot."
"Oh my gosh, Bella! Have you guys slept together yet or not?"
I laughed a little. I knew that was what she'd been after, but seeing her get so frustrated that I didn't go straight for the salacious details was amusing.
"Not so much," I admitted, shaking my head and looking down at the paperwork before me.
"Why? Is something wrong? You guys have been seeing each other for a while now."
I shook my head. "I don't know. It's a lot of things. When we have time alone together, he's very affectionate. He'll always have a hand on my back or my leg, and sometimes he does sweet stuff like just stop and kiss me, then goes back to whatever he was doing before. Things just haven't really gone past the high school make out sessions. What worries me is that we haven't really talked about where we stand. He's said he wants to be with me, but we've never really put a name or label on what we are, and he hasn't pushed for anything more."
"It sounds like he's serious about you, but if you're so worried about defining your relationship, you're going to have to talk to him about it. You know that, right?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do," I said. "It's just . . . complicated."
"It doesn't have to be."
"I don't know . . ."
"Oh, honey," she said, moving from her desk to come hug me. "I'm not Edward, so I can't speak for him, but it sounds to me like he's probably trying to respect your boundaries. Do you want things to go further?"
"Of course I do. He's so gorgeous I can hardly stand to look at him half the time, and sometimes I just want to grab him and tear his clothes off . . .but it's been a really long time, Kate."
I bit my lip and shook my head as Kate moved back to the desk, pushing her work aside and watching me intently.
"Go on," she encouraged.
"I don't feel . . . sexy anymore. It's like I'm not a woman anymore; I'm just a mom. That's what my body is. And on top of all that, as much as I want to be that way with him, it's kind of scary. I don't want to get hurt." My final thought was quiet and slow, my eyes downcast, peering toward Ruthie.
"I don't think he'd hurt you, honey. Not intentionally," Kate said soothingly. "And don't overthink it all. If you care for him and want to be with him, he probably feels exactly the same. You don't have to be perfect for him; you just have to be the woman he cares about."
Logically, I knew she was right, but I had such mixed emotions about getting physical with Edward. I wanted it – desperately – but I had so many doubts. Kate had given me a lot to think about, though. I wouldn't know what Edward wanted or thought without addressing those things with him. Of course, that was easier said than done, and I wasn't sure how to start that conversation.
