Up in the CIC…

Shepard, fully dressed in a tuxedo was practicing his lines in front of no one in particular.

"May I say, that it is an honor to not only be nominated but receive this prestigious award from you all. I'd like to take this time to thank Keith David, the hard working people at Bioware, Drew Karpyshyn and Casey Hudson. And might I say, you like me, you really like me."

"Commander," Miranda said. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just practicing if we win at the Video Game Awards tomorrow." The Commander said.

"'If?' Don't you mean 'when'?" Miranda stated.

"I don't think our chances are that good." Shepard said. "I mean, we barely qualify for an RPG. What are the chances we pick that up and Game of the Year?"

"Hey, what's with the fucking noise?" Jack said, coming in.

"We're discussing our big wins at the VGA's tomorrow." Miranda said.

"Pssch. Fuckin' Conformists. You all know it's rigged, right? Just look at the nominations. Nothing but corporations trying to get a product out."

Miranda shrugged. "Adding to that, this is Spike TV we're talking about, and we're pretty much guaranteed to win."

"Well, what about Final Fantasy XIII?" Shepard said.

"Oh, fucking sure!" Jack said. "I love running down linear hallways for 20 fucking hours!"

"Fallout: New Vegas might have a good chance." Miranda added.

"Only if RPG stands for Random Persistent Glitches." Shepard added.

"…Well, there's always Fable 3." Shepard added.

The trio looked at each other before bursting with laughter.

"Heheheh. Ha ha! Oh, god! Peter Molyneux… That joke never gets old."

(A/N: Be sure to tune into the VGA's on Spike TV and root for your RPG of the year, LIVE Saturday December 11th, 5PM EST.)

Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied

Chapter 11

"Hey, Thane!" Shepard said, making conversation.

"Shepard, can I help you with something?" The Drell asked, looking at the window.

"Why do you keep staring at the drive core?" The Commander asked.

"It's all to establish my 'distinguished yet distant' personality. It was my training with the Hanar that taught me the principles of being a true assassin."

Shepard whipped around. "The Hanar? Large pink Jellyfish who usually refer to themselves as 'it' and own stores for a living?"

"Correct. You may be deceived by their… harmless nature, but the compact tells us to obey them."

"Compact?" Shepard asked.

"It's an… agreement. When I was 6, my parents agreed to let me go train under the Hanar to become a full-fledged assassin. I was making my first kill when I was 12. It was a lovely birthday present."

The human scratched his head. "Lemme get this straight: the Hanar rescued you from your homeworld only to put you in an atmosphere you can't survive in and put you through compacts which basically enslave you."

"Shepard, are you making some sort of mockery of our culture?" Thane said.

"No, no! I'm just speaking out loud, per usual. So, how'd you go from Hanar to lone good vigilante?"

"Yes, well…" Thane's eyes begin to convolge as the camera starts cutting back and forth.

"Target in sight. One finger pull and he dies. The Smell of cut grass and spice in the wind. Eyes defiant in the scope. How dare you?"

Thane suddenly returns to normal, as if nothing happened.

"What the hell was that?" Shepard asked, unsure if he should move with all the frantic camera work.

"Oh, did I fail to mention the Drell trait of recollecting memories and recalling them via quick cuts and shining lights?"

Shepard slowly shook his head.

"My mistake, then." The Commander quickly left the room, and after about 5 minutes of projectile vomiting, he headed down to the engine core, wanting to chat up Tali.

He, then, quickly went towards Miranda's office, but not before spraying some cheap cologne on himself and coming his hair into a neat style.

"Commander, Yeoman Chambers requests that you talk to Grunt before your next mission…" EDI announced.

"Not now, EDI. I'm making preparations." He said, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

"I am inclined to agree with her. Grunt is showing unusual signs of agitation, aggression, violence. Just this morning there have been reports of him mauling Engineer Donnelly-"

"EDI! I'll get to it when I get to it! Besides, this kind of behavior's normal for a Krogan."

"Very well, Commander… The Consequences are yours."

"So is Operative Lawson!" Shepard said, jumping in.

"Miranda… I was wondering if you… had a minute?."

The Celebrity voiced character sighed. "I do. I suppose we should talk."

She quickly went behind her chair and bent over, showing off her cleavage.

"I don't know whether this is just stress or blowing off steam or-"

Shepard drooled for a good 2 seconds before responding.

"Oh, substance! Umm… I care about you too, Miranda."

"Dammit, Shepard! I'm a fighter, not a lover! We both know how unlikely we are to survive this mission against the Collectors! What, with your main character status and how the writers help you even when you fumble up to my celebrity voice, skin-tight plot armor and my damn hot body. The odds are against us! What idiotic bunch of hormones thought this was a great time for love?"

The Commander sighed. "Okay, look. I'm being upfront here; I'm not interested in love, just sex. Satisfied?"

"Heh. You ass. Just promise me, promise me! Tell me right now that you won't die!" Miranda pleaded.

"Wait, die as in 'Critical Mission Failure' or a plot death?"

"Plot death."

"Well, considering the dire situations you made out, I guess I have no choice but to say, I won't die."

Miranda sighed. "Then… give me some time to process this. I'll come by when I'm ready, okay?"

Shepard swallowed his pride as his manhood wasn't about to allow this.

"Define 'some time'."

"Endgame. But I assure you, it's worth it."

The Commander sighed, and slowly died a little inside when he nodded his head. After getting out of Miranda's office, he beat against the wall furiously, trying to vent out his frustration.

"Okay, I guess there's no choice. Joker, set a course for Haestrom! Time to pick up Tali!"


Haestrom…

The shuttle landed down, opening up to reveal Shepard, Garrus and their newest squadmate, Thane. The trio set out, only to be warned by EDI.

"Commander, I am detecting unhealthy level of UV rays at your position. Staying under prolonged sunlight will cause severe sunburns along with death."

"Wonderful…" Shepard sighed. "Okay, Garrus, you're our tech. I'll need you to deal with any Geth we might encounter. Thane, you're species grew up on a desert, so you should be fine. Any pressing concerns before we move on?"

"Hey, you think you're better than me?" Garrus said to Thane. "You think you're a better sniper than me?"

"No, I do not claim to believe I am a better assassin than you." The Drell said.

"Good, then-" However, Garrus was cut off.

"I know I am a better assassin than you."

"Oh, boy." Shepard sighed. "Here we go…"

"Well, at least my sniper has more power than you! Who uses a Viper anyway?" Garrus retorted.

"I prefer a rifle that does not exhaust itself after one shot." The Drell responded.

"Well- Err… Mine's longer!"

"Guys, stop comparing penises already."

Shepard paused at this statement.

"I-I meant rifle- Aw, screw it! Everyone's already read it. Let's get Tali!"

The trio moved to an inconspicuous area of light. After passing through it, they were faced with overloading shields and thus, took cover straight away. Shepard looked at his crew.

"Okay, Status report!"

"If you don't want Kentucky Fried Turian, I suggest you keep me out of the shade."

"Thane?"

"I wanted arid surfaces, not ones that would deteriorate my skin."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, let's see if we can find any clues to where Tali is-"

"The Geth are everywhere!" A nearby terminal said, with a Quarian crying. "We came to this planet to study the UV rays, but the Geth swarmed us and managed to trap our leader, Tali'zorah nar Rayya in one of the far architectures."

The Commander and the crew exchanged glances.

"That works."

"Please, hurry before Tali might die, even though she's a main character and it's near impossible to kill off a character in a recruitment mission."

"You heard the expositional hologram! Go, go, go!"

The crew headed out, only to find familiar larvae looking ships descend upon them.

"Just like ol' times, eh Garrus?"

"Hells yeah!" Garrus said, whipping out his sniper rifle. There, the crew was met with a familiar sight, dozens upon dozens of synthetic gunmen racing to kill them while they had the upper ground. However, the crew was met with a new challenge: Destroyers who possessed cloaking devices. Or, rather it should be, but since they keep moving and thus reveal themselves, it's sort of self-contradictory. The trio continued to fight their way through the Geth, only to find numerous Quarian corpses scattered around them.

"Should I be… this comfortable with seeing dead Quarians?" Shepard asked.

"Pretty common sight." Garrus shrugged.

"Well, we should- Oh! New submachine gun!"

"Check. Check. Is anyone still alive there?" A nearby walkie-talkie sounded off.

"Hello? I'm Shepard and… there's a lot of Quarian corpses here."

"Good. We're doing better than expected. Name's Kal' Reeger. If you're Shepard, then you must be after Tali. Unfortunately, she's trapped inside a building and we have to get to her."

"We're on our way. Try to… shorten casualties before we get there."

Suddenly, a Geth ship appeared shooting misiles at a nearby pillar. Shepard signaled his crew, but not before the pillar squished 3 Quarians in the process.

"Dammit! That pillar is blocking your way! You'll need to go to 2 different sites and pick up the demolition charges in order to blow it."

"Don't worry; we have a biotic on our side. He can lift the pillar away."

Reeger stood silent for a moment. "You do? Umm… Oh! This is a 'special' pillar that can't be biotically moved."

"It doesn't even look that high up. We could give each other boosts and climb over." Shepard defended.

"Look. Do you want to get Tali or not?"

"Fine, fine, fine! Let's go get the demolition charges that are slowly losing their importance with each passing moment."

The trio first set out to the demolition charge towards the left, only to be encountered by numerous Geth. Fortunately, they had a good distance between them, and thust killed the synthetic bastards and proceeded to go towards the plot device.

"Okay, here's the demolition charge. And, a diary by Tali?"

"Day 23. We're having trouble penetrating the inner sanctum. For some reason, they cannot be biotoically moved or jumped over. I remember in the 1st game Shepard used a mining laser to pierce through. As such, we're going to use these plot device explosives which should be effective… as long as the Geth don't automatically appear once picked up."

Shepard stared at Garrus, holding said charge.

"Aw, fiddlesticks! Everyone take cover!"

The Geth raided down, now led by a new Geth Prime, equipped with 3 health bars and cloaking. As such, Shepard and co. used a majority of their bullets to finally take the monster down and continue forth.

"Okay, sadly I used up a majority of my bullets on that fight down. Who has ammo left-"

Suddenly, Garrus' Mantis and Thane's Viper shot simultaneously killing a majority of the Geth invading them.

"Note to self: bring snipers along more often…" Shepard said, getting to the next demolition charge.

"Look! Another diary entry!" Shepard cried out.

"The study of the sun is going slowly but steadily. Being a main character is harder than I thought. But, as so long as we're not invaded or I don't lose more than 10 officers, I should be a-ok! Hmm… I wonder what those insect looking ships in the distance could be-"

Shepard cut off the transmission. Before he could say anything snarky about said journal entry, more Geth were headed to their positions.

"There's too many of them!" Shepard cried out, while in cover. "We have to lose them! Quick! Into that ominous hallway towards the left!"

The trio took cover and went upstairs where they took cover.

"Huh. I wonder what this button does…" Shepard said, unknowingly opening the blinds and thus piercing a hole into everyone's shields.

"My bad!" He cried, taking cover and eliminating the Geth on the bridge. However, the Geth continued to stalk their position as the Commander, the Rebel and the Assassin held their ground.

"Quick! We have to cross the bridge in order to escape our enemies!"

"Shepard," Thane cried out. "I do not think that is a wise decision-"

"Go out to the bridge, so sayeth the main character!" Shepard cried. Thane sighed in defeat as the trio went out into the sunlight, burning them even more. Needless to say, Thane and Garrus, having the unfortunately of being AI's, were killed for not taking cover. Fortunately, because Shepard was being handled by an actual human being, he eliminated the rest of the enemies and waited for Thane and Garrus to wake up.

"And you didn't trust me!" Shepard smiled while Thane looked away. The crew set the charges and waited for the explosion to occur. After said detonation occurred, the trio headed inside, seeing the ruins of the Quarians, admiring the beauty of the work.

"(sigh), It's really gone to hell." A nearby transmission with Tali's voice and profile said. "Most of my crew is dead, I'm stuck in a bunker waiting for my death and worst of all… I miss being a squadmate. I sure wish Shepard was here…"

"Hey, look at that Safe!" Shepard said, starting to hack it.

"I 'said', I sure wish Shepard was here…"

"And a weapons locker! Boy, I haven't seen those since the last level…"

"Shepard!" Tali cried, finally getting the Commander's attention.

"Oh, Tali! There you are!"

"More importantly, what are you doing here?"

"Like I said, Bioware cut a trailer with your name on it. And I ain't leaving without part of my old team."

"Then you'll have to hurry. Lots of Geth are on my way to my position. You'll have to fight through them."

The Commander nodded. "Uhh… Tali, just to claify, we can't use the Normandy because…"

"It would level this old settlement and kill me inside, making all of your efforts to reach me completely null and void."

"Gotcha! Let's go." Shepard signaled to his team.

"Shepard, please try to keep Reegar alive. That sonavabitch owes me 500 credits!"

The crew opened the door, only to find several floating robots disappear into thin air.

"Recon droids!" Shepard cried, taking cover.

"You two give me some cover fire! I'll look for a way around the sunlight!"

Garrus quickly took down three recon droids using his overload skill.

"Ha! Beat that!" The Turian snided, only to have 12 bullets take down 6 recon droids in rapid succession.

"And that is the value of multiple shots." Thane corrected.

"Priorities people!" Shepard cried, leading the group up a set of stairs. The trio quickly eliminated the various geth plaguing them and took shade to what should've been the final resting place.

"Okay…" Shepard sighed. "We've taken out most of the Geth here, so it's only rational that the Geth numbers should be so damaged that there are few to oppose us."

The Commander opened the window, only to find an army of Geth, waiting for them and not limited to: Juggernauts, Shock Troopers, Rocketeers, Snipers and the ever popular Geth with flamethrowers.

"Dammit! Doesn't lampshading ever work in my favor!" He said, only to realize the topping on the proverbial whip cream.

"Colossus!" Garrus screamed, as the three of them ducked towards cover.

"Just like Ol' times, eh Shepard?" Garrus smirked.

"Yeah, except Biotics can't disable that Geth grande. Look, a Quarian… and he's somehow still alive!"

The company took cover, near the Quarian marine. (A/N: Stop snickering; Quarians can be soldiers too.)

"Damn. I was hoping for better back-up." Reeger sighed.

"And I was hoping for Alec Baldwin instead, but we all get disappointed one point or another, don't we?"

The Quarian looked offended. "I'll have you know Adam Baldwin is enough of a celebrity to keep me alive. Mostly. Anyway, Tali's stuck in that bunker, and the only way is to defeat that Colossus."

"Lemme take a wild guess; it's going to be hell getting there, isn't it?"

"You got it! The Bridge is clear, but has a lot of sunlight. The middle's full of Geth, and there's lots of opposition towards the left. Also, I'll provide you cover with this missile launcher. Hurry though, because my wound's kinda opening up."

"Umm… maybe you should stay down." Shepard said. "I won't be able to administer medi-gel in time if you get shot."

"No way, it's my turn to be a big hero and by the Admiralty Board's ego, I'm going to do it!"

Just as Reeger was about to launch a missile, Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt powers to stop him.

"Stay down! No NPC's are dying on my watch!"

"Shepard," Garrus said. "Not to be rude, but wouldn't him launching a rocket help us in the long run."

"I am inclined to agree." Thane responded.

"No way, Jose! I'm keeping this guy safe, even if it means 3 Critical Mission failures!"

Garrus opened his mouth in shock. "He's crazy!"

"Let's do this!" Shepard cried, running towards the left. He and his crew fought bravely, quickly and swiftly. In fact, his skills were so fantastic, so powerful, so astounding, that he wiped the rest of the Geth platoon without even going into detail. Long, boring, lengthy detail.

"That's a bit of a cop-out, isn't it?" Shepard said.

(A/N: Keep talking smack and I'll write a Male slash fic with you and Garrus.)

Shepard paused. "You wouldn't dare…"

He stared at the rebel, with a persistent smirk. The Turian was busy greasing his Mantis, cold and hard, worn out from all the bullets it shot out.

"Don't you ever get tired of playing with that thing?" The Commander said.

"I'll admit, it does get a bit boring doing this by myself all the time…" Garrus snickered removing his armor.

"Perhaps you need to be cleaning other weapons-

"Stop, stop!" Shepard said. "Alright, alright, alright! You win, just don't go any further!"

"Dammit…" The Turian sighed. "Now my sniper rifle shall forever be known as a phallic symbol."

"Okay, let's get Tali." Shepard said, giving a knock on the door.

"Just a minute…" She said, opening the door at last.

"Shepard, it's great to see you!" The Quarian said. "Thank you for rescuing me. But I feel bad for losing all of those people. All this for data about the damn sun and UV rays."

"That's the weird thing, Tali. If you're people are technical experts, couldn't you have launched a Satellite out of scrap and ask for data input?"

Tali paused for a minute, and gave a defeated sigh.

"Damn Hindsight. Well, at least I'm free to join your crew now."

"Take care…" Reeger said, coming inside.

"Reeger, you made it!" Tali cried.

"Your old main character was as good as you said he was. I'm impressed. Just, be careful out there, alright?"

"I will. Umm… hey, since you're alive…"

"Sorry, I'm kinda broke." Reeger said.

"Damn."

(A/N: Shepard has successfully recruited Tali. Will things be the same now that Shepard's working for Cerberus? What will be his next move? And how many female Mass Effect fans will now start writing Mslash with sniper rifles? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting installment of:

Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied!)