A/N: I've been busy moving out of my dorm the past two days, so that's why I didn't do my usual post. I'm back at home, though. Hopefully I keep the same posting schedule. Thanks for reading!
"Please pick up, please," she whispered as she pressed a bit too hard on her phone, trying to call Bruce. She put the phone to her ear and listened to it ring.
Fury had sent Steve and her on a mission to a SHIELD boat with some of their men held hostage by pirates. She had just gotten home and it was almost six am. Soon, the sun would be rising and she would feel less sick. For now, she was so disgusted with herself.
"Natasha?" a groggy voice answered the phone. She let out a sob of relief. "What's wrong?" His voice was sounding more alert.
"It's been a rough night," she murmured. "Give me a moment."
"Of course," Bruce said softly. Natasha took a moment to compose herself; just having him on the other end of the line helped calm her. She crawled into bed and pulled her blankets tightly around her.
"Okay, I'm alright," she reassured him. "I'm not supposed to tell you the details of any mission—you don't have the clearance—so this is all a secret, okay?"
"Everything you tell me is a secret, but I understand." His words warmed her heart.
"Thank you," she said softly before starting. "I was sent on a mission with Steve, right? One of our ships were being held hostage by pirates."
"Did everyone get out okay?"
"Our men did," was her response and it said so much. "I killed at least twenty men in less than half an hour." They both got quiet for a moment.
"Did you get hurt?" Bruce asked softly.
"Does it matter? I killed so many people…"
"Yes, you did, people that were taking a ship that wasn't theirs and putting our agents at risk. Don't let that get to you, Natasha. They were bad people." He spoke so sincerely that Natasha felt herself slightly convinced.
"I didn't get too hurt. Steve and I were a bit too close to an explosion, so we are a bit singed. Nothing too bad happened." She knew he would worry if she never did answer. Her mind was beginning to clear.
"I'm glad you two are alright."
"I'm losing what little of his trust I had the more I work with him." Her voice was so quiet, so filled with disappointment.
"I'm sure that's not true," he tried to comfort her.
"He yelled at me about it, Bruce. He doesn't get it. Steve was sent in to that ship to save the hostages. I was sent in to kill and collect all of our information on the ship. I wasn't supposed to tell him what my part of the mission was. We have two different jobs and he doesn't get it. Steve gets to be a hero. He gets to be on posters and in museums. I'm no hero. I do the agency's dirty work and am lucky when my mistakes get smudged in the history records." Frustration, hurt, and desperation mixed together in her voice.
"Natasha…" Bruce started softly, but she didn't let him continue.
"It's true and we both know it. I was trained to do what I do; it's all I know. I've accepted that. You get it, Tony gets it, Clint gets it. This is my job in SHIELD. I just wish Steve would stop being so damn proud about our country and realize this is my part of the job. I'm not a hero!" Hot tears stung her eyes and she took a shaky breath.
"You've helped so many people with what you do. You're an Avenger. That makes you a hero."
"I don't want to pretend tonight, Bruce. I'm not a hero. I accept that. I just want Steve to do the same."
"Did you try explaining that to him?" he asked.
"Yes I did. We had a big argument about it. He is too prideful to accept that this needs to happen. He can't even look at me the same." Her voice broke and she started taking deep, slow breaths.
"He'll understand eventually. You have to give him time to stop being upset. Give it a few days and bring it up to him. He'll be more reasonable then."
"I'll try," she whispered and buried her face in a pillow. She kept the phone to her ear, but took a few moments to get herself back together.
"Natasha, it's okay to cry if you need to. You were the one that told me that. I'll stay on the line as long as you need," he told her and triggered a sob. She let her tears soak her pillow case.
"You're a good person. Yes, you have to do the dirty work, but all of that leads to good. Your work saves people. In the end, it all totals to good." Natasha changed her mind; she did want to pretend. She didn't know if she believed his words deep down, but for tonight, she would let them be real. She wouldn't doubt or second guess her work. Tonight was one of the nights were anything he said was true to her.
"I'm sorry about getting so upset last time we talked," she whispered eventually, voice raspy.
"It's fine. It was just as much my fault as yours. I was wrong when—"
"Let's not bring up the details again. I just…I still miss you, Bruce." The ache in her chest hadn't left. If anything, it had gotten worse not talking to him since their argument.
"I still miss you, Natasha," he replied without hesitation.
"I've never missed anyone like this, before," she admitted, voice barely audible.
"I think we should try the lullaby when you get back." His response wasn't as straight forward as hers, but it meant more in a way. Bruce wanted to become less of a threat to SHIELD. "Maybe, if it works, we can work together more." She could hear the conflict in his voice, but it was a big step forward.
"We'll test it next time we have the chance and then I'll talk to Fury about it. Does that sound good?"
"Yes, it does."
"We would make a great team," she teased.
Bruce chuckled. "We would scare our enemies so badly."
"We really would," she laughed. A yawn escaped her lips and she looked over to her window. Pink was beginning to mix in with the night sky.
"Someone sounds tired."
"You definitely do." She smiled to herself. "I guess I should go and sleep."
"You should. Don't be afraid to call soon," he told her.
"I won't be. Thank you for answering."
"I'll always answer for you, Natasha. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
A/N: If there is anything I've learned, it's that when you hold shit in too long and decide to deal with it, it gets messy. I'm trying to point that out with Natasha. Now that she's dealing with her problems, she gets nightmares and has breakdowns. That's what happens when you address shit. It's part of healing and she totally needs it.
