Chapter Twelve

Ruth was starting to think that Harry had drifted off to sleep and so she sought to disentangle herself. She knew she must have dozed herself because Harry's legs had somehow or other got themselves entwined with hers. She could feel the scar tissue where his pyjama trousers had rucked up. It felt rough and she was positive that it would mirror the scars that she had seen on his arm. He had been through so much she thought. She just hoped that she could make him realise that his physical appearance meant nothing; that it would not change the way she felt about him.

She gently turned intending to leave him in peace when his hand grasped her wrist and he whispered

"Don't go Ruth. Do you know how long it's been since anyone has touched me like this? Do you know that it's been years since I've had any pleasant contact with another human being other than Catherine and my grandchild? Please stay and let me try and explain things to you. Please"

Ruth didn't say anything she just resumed her place on his chest and was rewarded by his soft inhalation of breath.

"Best to start at the beginning I think"he said. "I'm not a good person Ruth, I've done some awful, terrible things in my time, things that I can't share with anyone...

Not even you Ruth and you know more about me than anyone alive. I've made decisions that no one should have to make, given orders that have sent people to their deaths and I must live every day of my life with the regrets and the consequences that those decisions caused. I didn't start out with the intention of becoming the person that I am. At the start it was just an adventure, I was flattered when the service recruited me. The "James Bond" syndrome I suppose you could call it and then it got serious. Northern Ireland, Berlin, the Cold War. The philandering that caused the destruction of my marriage, my relationship with my children and for that I only have myself to blame. I was too busy giving everything that I had both mentally and physically to the job to see I was losing what should have been the most important thing. I thought that because I took so many chances and got away with it that I was untouchable. I thought that Jane would just accept what I had to offer when I chose to offer it but of course she got fed up and threw me out on my ear. And then all that was left was the job. And I became it and it became me.

That was the man that you encountered the first day that you stepped onto the Grid. Harry Pearce. Bastard. From the first day Ruth somehow or other you got under my skin, you seemed to be able to get under my defences, seemed to see that maybe under all the bluster and bravado there were still the remnants of the man I once was. And to put it simply Ruth I found myself falling in love with you. And it, you terrified me. You terrified me"

At this point Ruth made as if to move so that she could look at Harry but he held her tight and implored her to stay still.

"Please Ruth let me finish. As I said you terrified me Ruth. I had spent years erecting barriers, years perfecting the persona of Harry Pearce Section Head. Harry Pearce the man with no emotions, the man with no ties, no weaknesses and all of a sudden I was exposed and helpless. For an age I contented myself with simply watching you, with taking the few titbits of yourself that you pushed my way. I would go home at night and go over and over in my mind every exchange between us. Reading into every glance held a little longer than necessary, every brush of your hand on mine, every soft word you spoke to me a hidden meaning. I began to look to you to be my moral compass, to make me think before I acted too recklessly and in doing so I put you in danger. But I chose to ignore that fact and asked you to dinner. One of the best nights of my life Ruth. There was so much that I needed to say to you but I didn't want to spook you with the strength of my feelings so I decided to play the long game because in my mind that dinner was the first in a long line of dates. I had already decided that the next time we would go to the pictures and them maybe a meal at my house. I had it all planned Ruth and then it all came crashing round my, our ears."

Here he took a deep breath and Ruth knew that he was trying to compose himself. She decided that she would wait and let him calm himself so he could continue.

"You broke my heart Ruth that morning when you told me you couldn't, wouldn't see me because people were talking about us. Bloody Hell Ruth as if it mattered! And then Havensworth where I missed another chance to prove to you how deep my feelings for you were, are. I should have knocked on your door till you let me in, until you let me explain. And then Cotterdam;the fact that I'd put you in danger by letting people know you were important to me coming home to roost. Of course they were going to target you to get to me.I should have been more aware of that fact, I should have been more careful. Should have masked my feelings better.

And, and then the dock. Oh Ruth I still play that over in my mind. The first time you kissed me and it was to signal goodbye, to signal the end before it had even begun. As I watched you sail away you took my heart with you, you took the man that you were resurrecting. How I got through those years and months that you were gone I don't know. Then once again because of something that I had involved you with you were dragged back into the danger and instability of my life. Because of me George and Nico were wrenched from you, your calm, elegant life in Cyprus was no longer an option. And because of my selfishness I drew you back into my world. I told myself it was because you were a brilliant analyst, but that was only partly true. I wanted you back with me, I wanted to see you everyday because I still believed that we had a chance. Still believed that I could make you love me. Of course it wasn't to be and you sacrificed yourself for me again. That was bad enough to live with Ruth but then I began to receive photos of you and Prentice together. To all intents and purposes you came across as a couple and I decided that I had nothing left to live for and I began to take foolish risks the like of which I hadn't done since I was twenty, thirty years younger. The result of that folly is a man who is marked for life, who is abhorrent to look at."

"Can I speak now Harry?" she asked softly. "What you say may well be true Harry but I must bear some of the blame you know. I was drawn to you right from the start. I had of course been told, no warned about you. As you say Harry Pearce the bastard. Harry Pearce who was so dedicated to the service that there was no room for anything else in his life but right from that first day when you made that truly awful joke I knew that there was more to you than that. That dinner date was wonderful for me to Harry and I should have been stronger when the gossip began, should have realised that my feelings for you were more important than a few people prattling around the water cooler. From then on I made bad choice after bad choice and the only way that I could see to make amends was to go into exile. To give you the opportunity to carry one defending us all. I did it because I loved you Harry."

By now they were both weeping, Ruth's tears soaking into Harry's pyjama jacket as he gently rocked her like a child in his arms. Ruth kissed his cheek and gently pulling away from him she told him she was going to the bathroom to wash her face and she intended to make a cup of tea for them.

How British thought Harry with a wry smile we've just exposed our souls to each other and now we're going to share a cup of tea.

This seems like a good place to leave it. Not much has happened but I just felt that Harry needed to express his inner feelings.