Ball tonight. I have pulled out the best robes I have. I am making an effort for Albus' sake I know how much he enjoys these pointless conventions.
I don't know what to write. I don't know what has happened to me. Everything has changed, everything I ever stood for has changed and I don't know how to react. I shall start at the beginning.
Of course Athena arrived at the ball with Lupin. When I saw her walking in through the door I felt as though my heart had skipped a beat.
She looked… amazing. I am not embarrassed to admit it now. She was wearing a pink dress, but not obviously so, it was kind of the pink that is soft on the eyes.
She entered on Lupin's arm, but I tried to block that out as I watched her mingle through the crowd. She looked better today, her eyes looked brighter and she didn't seem so tired, however I was sure that some of her smiles were forced.
They chatted to Minerva at the door for a while and then made their way towards the drinks. Her eyes caught mine briefly for a moment and she gave me a smile, however in the time it took for me to smile back she had looked away. Lupin was shouted by someone from across the hall and he moved away, leaving her at the buffet table.
I couldn't help it: I walked behind her and commented something stupid about sausage rolls I think. I feel so stupid the way I keep messing up what I say to her. I tried to compliment her, something I hadn't done to a woman in a very long time. "You…you look…well" was the phrase I think I actually stuttered. How pathetic.
"wow a compliment from Severus Snape, I must be doing something right," was her sarcastic reply, but when I stole a glance at her, her mouth and eyes were smiling. She was laughing with me, not at me. At this moment we were joined by a beaming Albus, obviously happy with the planned evening and entertainment. He said something about sausage rolls, confirming my previous statement and when he left we both looked at each other almost smiling.
"told you" I said pretending to be serious, and then something marvellous happened: she laughed. It was like gentle music, it still echoes in my ear just thinking about it. It felt so good to actually make someone else laugh.
She moved away at this point, although she almost decapitated the minister whilst doing so and I watched as she tried to suppress her laughter. When the band began to play she dragged Lupin onto the dance floor.
Albus came over to me, saying something of him being too old for this type of dancing. I watched her as Albus droned on, as she danced wildly, closing her eyes and not caring what anyone thought. It was as though she'd had all these worries building up inside her, and tonight was the night she could just let everything go. Especially considering the amount of alcohol she was drinking.
"have you seen the happy couple?" I asked in a surly voice as I saw Lupin whispering something in her ear as they danced together.
He chuckled. "ah I believe you are quite mistaken Severus."
"what makes you say that?"
I thought he was referring to the fact that Athena was not happy however he continued: "I have it from good authority that she has made it perfectly clear to poor Remus that they are just friends and nothing more."
This sentence froze me for a moment. Was I hearing correctly?
"Does Lupin know that? Just look at him, he looks at her like she's something to eat… ironic really."
Albus raised his eyebrows at me. "I believe Remus has feelings for her but she continues to discourage him. Might I ask why you have a sudden interest?"
He looked at me knowingly but I kept my calm, applying occlumency to stop him reading my thoughts. He looked back at the dance floor smiling, his face was lit up for a moment by a flashing light and I could see his eyes twinkling.
At this point my emotions were a mess. I was so happy that they weren't together and yet I didn't know why. I was angry at him for trying to pursue her. I picked up another bottle of Firewhiskey and downed it in one, feeling it burn against my throat.
Why did she have to spend the entire evening with him! I hardly got a chance to speak with her- he was always there! I kept drinking, bottle after bottle and yet it didn't seem to be having any effect on me. The music soon slowed right down and there he was; his werewolf hands on her waist. I nearly stormed right over there and tore them off before I realised that I had no motive: why was I caring?
She put her hands onto his shoulders and although she danced in close contact with him, she didn't smile. She was gazing off into the distance, expressionless, except… I was right. She was staring at me. At first I looked around, but there was just me standing here. I blinked, was I imagining this? No, she was looking at me, and what was that expression… was it longing?
I shook my head, how could I even be thinking about another woman like this! I felt so angry with myself I slammed the bottle down and left. I came back down here to the dungeons, hoping the cool air would clear my head for me but I think I was wrong.
At first I was so angry with myself; I kicked chairs, stunned glass vials and even punched the wall. It wasn't until I calmed down and had another drink that I began to think more clearly. I healed the wound on my fist with the tip of my wand and sat down.
There was something tapping at my conscience and I knew what it was but I couldn't bring myself to consider it. It almost brought a tear to my eye just to think about her.
lily would want me to be happy.
I knew it was true and I knew that I had to move on. I would never stop loving her, I knew that, but I could at least try to move on. After all, I knew now what had happened to me. I had fallen in love with Athena without even realising it and now it has happened I can't go back. I can't help it.
I look back at this diary and all the evidence is there, I have written about her in almost every day, and if I haven't I am sure I was thinking about her. I took deep breaths. There was another thing I had to think about. Her: what if she rejected me? Could I face that? Could I ever look at her again?
Somehow I was reassured, I knew her nature, and I knew she wouldn't let it be awkward between us. But what about Lupin? Albus had reassured me they weren't together, but I saw him tonight, his filthy hands all over her body, he wanted her, it was obvious to anyone. The real question was… did she want him?
Albus had said she'd made it clear to Lupin they were just friends but why was that? Why didn't she want him? He was… I tried to put aside my hatred of him. From an unbiased outsider he was probably the perfect man. He was always with her, looking after her, making sure she was ok. He had been there that night when she cried, he had been there last night, ready to put a coat around her in the rain.
I had to make the decision: would I suppress my feelings, not say anything, just watch her continue her unhappy life without me, or would I do something about it, and even then what would I do? What would I say?
I stood up and threw my glass against the wall as hard as I could. It smashed on impact and the shards and splinters spread across the floor like a river bursting its banks. I stood up and left, slamming the door behind me, this was it, I had made my decision: I am not a coward.
I don't even know how I got to her room, it was late, the early hours of the morning and I didn't know if she would be sleeping. I didn't even know if the ball had finished yet, I paid no attention to anything accept my footsteps, quick on the cold stone as I hurried up the stairs and along the corridor. I saw no one and I let nothing distract me, my footsteps got faster and faster as I approached.
I knocked loudly on the door and waited, shifting my weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, my hands sweating.
After a moment she opened it curiously, she was still in her dress, looking absolutely perfect. She smiled uncertainly at me but I ignored it. I walked in, my feelings seemed to take over and I bypassed her startled and confused expression, striding into her office and blurting out words and explanations without thinking. I can't remember exactly what happened or how it happened, but I remember something like this.
I think I paced angrily, angry at myself for not being able to find the right words. I sat down, only to result in standing straight back up again. I walked about frustrated, and all the while she just stood there, watching me calmly.
"I can't do it!" I blurted out suddenly. "I-I can't keep going on like this! I have to tell you! I can't stop thinking about you. I want to be with you, all the time, but when I am with you I mess it up, I say something rude and ridiculous and I am sorry but that is just how I feel and I can't change that and I can't function properly until I do something about it."
I paused, concentrating on taking deep breaths and watching her reaction. Her expression hadn't changed, she was just watching me.
I guessed she was trying to work out how to react, what to do, how she felt? But I had no idea. Her thoughts were her own, and this time I didn't even try and use legilimency. After what seemed like an age I could wait no longer.
"say something," I almost begged her desperately.
She looked at me, her lips parted in thought and then she whispered, in her soft voice. "I don't have to."
She walked over to me and she kissed me. It was… the best feeling I have had in my entire life. So full of love and- and feelings. I felt her soft hand on my face, my eyes closed and I was lost in the moment, lost forever in this one second of bliss. Her lips were so gentle and tender, coaxing mine apart and working in unison to create something so perfect.
I opened my eyes when we parted and she looked at me, an expression of wonder on her face.
I didn't say anything, I just walked around her and left.
I came straight here and sat down, just thinking about the last five minutes. The best five minutes of my life.
So that's where I am, here, now, writing in this diary because I can't get the smile off my face.
