AN: BIG BIG BIG thank you to everyone reading and reviewing, it means ever such a lot to me. This story has been loved more than I ever imagined thanks to all of you and your reviews are so lovely. I mean, you all just inspire me. So please enjoy and let me know what you think...
A Drop in the Ocean
Chapter Eleven- A Bitter Sweet Feeling
Bella POV
I watched as Paul followed Sam out the door, I watched as they both disappeared into the woods and I wondered what on earth they were talking about. I narrowed it down to me; they were most probably talking about me.
Maybe the blade Paul saw or maybe Jacob's appearance at my house. I winced even thinking the name but I could think it without breaking down. That was a step in the right direction.
"Hey B," Emily stood next to me, smiling like a lunatic. Paul had said before we arrived that everyone was really excited that I would be there, I guess I hadn't realised I hadn't been around the entire pack altogether since Jacob imprinted.
I winced again.
"Hey Emily," I said softly.
"How are you?"
I smiled, I thought about lying. When most people ask you how you are they don't really want to know the answer, but it was Emily asking, a member of my family. I knew she wanted to know and I also knew that most of the wolves were probably listening and would be able to sniff out any lie I told.
So I decided to tell the truth.
I shrugged, "I'm hanging in there, I think I'll be ok, in the end. I've got over it before; I can do it again, right?"
Emily smiled softly at me, "Of course you can," she said gently.
I nodded and though her words said one thing her eyes said something different. They held concern and fear; she was worried for me, that I wouldn't get over it. Truthfully I had the same fears, and it was only Paul that kept me on track.
He actually made me believe sometimes that I could be ok again, that I could be happy again.
But until that day I would try my best to smile, to laugh. So with the Pack, laughing and joking I settled into my seat, glancing out the window several times wishing for Paul to come back so he could whisper in my ear and tell me everything would be ok.
A Drop in the Ocean
We walked side by side, it was nearly eleven by the time we managed to escape the chaos that is Pack dinners. Paul had returned with Sam maybe an hour to an hour and a half after leaving, I didn't like the tension that hung in the air between them. Something was off, I knew it but I hadn't said anything with the Pack in hearing range.
"So," I said trying to sound casual, "what were you and Sam talking about earlier?"
It didn't work, Paul saw straight through my facade, I knew it and he knew it but we both ignored it.
He shrugged, "nothing really."
I knew I wasn't a good liar but Paul, well he was probably as bad, maybe even worse than me at lying but he never would admit it.
I arched my right eyebrow at him, "even you can do better than that." I said with a smile.
He chuckled then he looked at me and the laugh died and was replaced with sadness. "We were talking about what happened earlier."
He didn't have to say what they were talking about, I had a good idea but as I looked at him he seemed uncertain, maybe even a little nervous. Something wasn't right, there was something he wasn't saying but I let it go. Whatever they had been talking about, well it wasn't my business or my place to stick my nose in.
I changed the subject. "I enjoyed tonight, surprisingly!"
"I knew you would," he said with a smile as he slung his arm over my shoulder, he pulled me into his side. He had obviously seen my shiver. La Push was cold at the best of times but at night it was freezing.
"No you didn't, you're lying. You thought you'd have to make some excuse for us to leave." I laughed at his guilty expression. "I heard you mumbling them in the kitchen earlier."
He rolled his eyes at me and scowled playfully.
I let the smile stay spreading my lips as we walked in silence the rest of the way. It was weird, the feeling of happiness coursing through my veins. It was foreign and would take time to get used to it again, but I had hope that I would. With the pack, my family and Paul by my side I was, for once, positive that I would be ok. In time I would be the same old me again; the happy me.
A Drop in the Ocean
I flicked on my light switch. Paul had bid me farewell at the front door and had raced off into the woods, exploding into his silver wolf as he hit the shadows. I wondered sometimes, what life was like as a wolf, I wondered if I had been a wolf would my life have been better?
I could run away
But there would always be people in your head reminding you of what you left behind.
I shook my head to rid the thought. It would never happen; there was no need to think about it. I changed quickly, settling for my favourite pair of checked flannel pyjama pants and a shirt that Paul had left behind on one of his visits. I'd offered to give it back to him but he said I could just keep it, I was secretly relieved. It helped me sleep at night; it smelt like him though his scent was fading from it, or mine was masking it.
I'd have to steal another one off him.
It was odd and I didn't like to dwell on the fact that by just wearing his shirt I felt a little better, that it kept the most horrific nightmares away. I didn't like to dwell on it because I had done it once before, with someone else's shirt and different nightmares. Once it was Jacob's things or Jacob himself that had kept the nightmares away.
I shook my head again riding myself of the thoughts and inhaled deeply, soaking up the little of Paul's scent that lingered on the old grey t-shirt.
The house was silent, Seth and Leah were patrolling and Charlie and Sue were most likely asleep. I kept my light switched on, I knew sleep wouldn't take me, not for a while so I sat on the floor and pulled out one of the many boxes from underneath my bed. My copy of Wuthering Heights was in one of them, I hadn't read it in so long, and I felt like it was time again.
I opened the first two and only find old school books and drawings that I had done when I was younger, most of it could have been thrown out but that would have to wait for another time.
I pulled the third box out and lifted the lid, I pushed aside old bits of newspaper clippings and tatty magazines, when I'd nearly reached the bottom of the box my eyes landed on something, a few something's... I froze.
I picked up the small box, it couldnt have weighed much but it felt like the heaviest thing in the world. Once I'd removed the small box and put it aside, slowly and uneasily, I picked up the small envelope. I knew when I opened it what I would see, so I didn't bother. They were of no use to me.
My eyes landed on the last thing in the box. I swallowed loudly, my hand reached out almost fearfully. I was scared and also relived but most of all I was confused.
I got up and walked to my CD player, it was rarely used and I had thought about getting rid of it but I never had. In that moment I was thankful.
I smiled. It was a sad smile but a smile none the less. The soft melody filled my room, quietly of course. I closed my eyes, soaking up the beautiful sounds. I could picture him, Edward, his fingers running over his piano, his crooked smile as he watched me watching him.
Bella's lullaby he had called it.
I let myself remember, I indulged in the happy memories I had shared with the Cullen's.
How had the gifts got there? Hadn't he taken them when they had left?
I knew I would never get an answer to how they ended up in a box, under my bed and truthfully I didn't want to know, I didn't care. I switched the CD player off, I put the CD back in the case and I placed it next to the envelope and the radio for my truck that Emmett had brought me. I stared at the pile. I had been young and naive back then but it had still hurt when they had left but surprisingly finding their presents didn't fill me with sadness, pain or longing.
Just a bitter sweet feeling, however much I wanted to hate them I knew I never could or would but I was over him, all of them. Missing them had faded and was replaced with fond memories.
A cough alerted me to his presence. I turned and smiled.
"Couldn't sleep?" Charlie asked wearily.
I winced, "Sorry dad, did I wake you?"
He shook his head and walked into my room, sitting at the edge of my bed. "What are those?"
I looked at the little pile of presents. What are they? I thought to myself, the answer came almost instantly. "Their memories: things from the past, souvenirs."
He looked worried, maybe because of the amount of mess on my bedroom floor or maybe because I had a slight smile tugging at the corner of my lips.
"As long as you're ok?" he asked worriedly.
I smiled and stood up, kissing him on the cheek. "I'm ok dad, or at least I will be."
We sat in silence for a while, Charlie had always been a quiet man and only said something when he really meant it and I knew him well enough to know that he wanted to say something.
"What is it dad?"
He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. "You seem happier."
I nodded, "I am."
"I heard about what happened earlier," he said softly, almost worried that I would freak out or collapse in tears.
"I know," I laughed at his expression. "I knew someone would tell you, it was only a matter of when."
"You know I'm here, if you need to talk. All of us are, but please talk to someone. Don't control your pain in other ways." He sounded tense, his eyes sad and worried as he looked at me.
I looked down, ashamed. "It was a moment of weakness, but I didn't do it. I couldn't."
We sat in silence; Charlie slung his arm over my shoulder and gave me a hug. It wasn't often that Charlie and I shared such a moment but it was nice, it was normal.
"You'll be ok Bell's." He whispered as he tightened his hug briefly.
"I know," I said staring at the pile of gifts on the floor. "Someday I'll be able to think of him and it won't hurt." I whispered.
I stared at the gifts and let myself remember the times with the Cullen's; when once those thoughts would have filled me with sadness I was only filled with a happiness of times past.
One day, I'll be able to think of Jacob and smile without the pain breaking me in two.
AN: So this chapter has quite a bit of reference to the Cullen's, I did that as to show that Bella is strong enough to overcome heartbreak. She has done it once, she'll *fingers crossed* do it again! I'm thinking the next POV is either going to be Paul, Quil, Leah or maybe another Mia? What do you guys think?
