Clare's thoughts were hard to contain as she sat restlessly at her desk. It was impossible to steady her mind as if drifted to Eli every other second. It'd been two days since the dinner and more noteworthy, the almost kiss. She couldn't shake the memory of what it felt to be held by him, to be close enough that their faces touched, their scents mingling into such an inviting aroma that it made her head swim. She couldn't deny the fact that she wanted to kiss him but a part of her was glad for the fact that Adam had come back when he did. Unknowingly he had saved them from crossing a line Clare wasn't sure they were ready to cross just yet.
It was true that she had been growing to like Eli as more than a friend but she found herself questioning what would come next. She knew things with Jake still weren't resolved and Eli himself was more or less the poster child for avoiding relationships. Clare thought maybe she had become the exception to his rule but it made her cautious knowing just how wary he was when it came to dating. She could understand that he had gone through the ringer relationship wise but the last thing she wanted to be was a trial run to him.
There was so much they needed to talk about but neither seemed willing to make the first move and break the silence between them. Each day Clare would stare at her phone as if to will his name to flash across her screen in the form of a text or call but neither came. And at this point, Clare was beginning to convince herself it never would.
She couldn't say that she blamed him though admittedly it did make her worry more than it should have. After all, she had been the one to dismiss what had happened between them, sweeping it under the rug and pretending as if they hadn't been in such a precarious situation. She was the one who continued on with dinner, talking Adam's ear off as she sat across from Eli, doing her best to avoid eye contact- though she had a feeling he was perfectly content with looking elsewhere.
The more she thought about it, the sicker she felt, Clare reaching a hand to her stomach and sighing heavily. It was all too much, life taking such a toll on her that she felt as if she could just scream. It was too much to think about but Clare knew she couldn't avoid it at all. Eli had taken up residence in her mind and her heart, to the point where it was almost unbearable. Over the last few weeks she didn't mind that at all, if anything welcoming him into her train of thoughts. But now with this tension between them, she wanted to rid herself of it all.
Most prominent in her memory was the defeated look on his face before they left the kitchen. Her words weren't the ones he wanted to hear and she felt like a disappointment to him, a true letdown. Only moments before they had been laughing and playing around, the atmosphere around them so warm that it made her feel secure. But once their little bubble had been burst and they were brought back to reality, Clare shifted gears all at once. Eli was the best thing in her life as of late and she enjoyed their friendship. The last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize that somehow but it was clear she had messed up regardless.
To kiss him would have meant opening up Pandora's Box, owning up to feelings she wasn't quite ready to admit to yet though her actions certainly did the job for her. There wasn't much room for her to hide now. She knew she didn't stop things from progressing, even leaning into him but in the end, Clare was sure she ended up making Eli feel rejected. She hated how much she was turning out to be like the other girls in his life, the ones who had clearly managed to break his heart. She knew it couldn't have been to the same extent but he was opening up to her. It meant the world to Clare that he was warming up bit by bit, each talk they had brought them closer together and strengthened the bond that had been born out of such an unexpected encounter.
She missed the days in which she was able to text him for no reason, just to say hi or to pass along something she thought might interest him. It was strange how one night could alter everything between them. All she could do now was pray that it could be mended at some point. In a short time Eli had become very important to her. To think that now their connection was broken for good devastated her. She knew she would have to reach out to him, to offer up some type of explanation but she was at a loss for where to begin.
A simple 'I'm sorry' would hardly suffice. He deserved better than that and for a time Clare had convinced herself that maybe she was what he needed. But now she'd done a successful job of breaking that trust she was certain wasn't easy to come by in his book. He was sensitive even if he wouldn't want to admit to that aloud but it showed in his tentativeness, the way he'd fall silent after giving her a compliment or the way his eyes would linger on her for a moment longer than need be. These were things that she basked in and didn't take for granted. Now they were nothing but memories, moments she wasn't too sure she'd ever be able to get back.
She rested her elbow against her desk, her attention span far too short to get much work done. It'd been half an hour and she was still stuck on the first two messages she had opened up. She must have read the lines countless times but was unable to really retain anything. Her thoughts were too hectic now, her mind a complete mess of self-loathing and irritation. The idea of going home early crossed her mind but Clare didn't want to waste a day. She knew going home wouldn't be that much better but the chance of getting some rest certainly had appeal to it.
Even Alli thought she could do with taking a sick day after she filled her in about the dinner. But Clare didn't want to wallow too much, instead deciding to go through the motions of her daily life and get back to things before Eli entered her world. But that plan was doomed to fail from the start. He'd left his mark so heavily on her life, imprinting himself into the very fibers of it that there wasn't any way she could avoid thinking about him.
"He hates me, Alli," Clare said wistfully on the phone the day after it all happened.
"No he doesn't. He's probably just upset but I don't think he hates you."
"How could he not? I hate myself for what I did."
"Clare, come on. You're being way too hard on yourself."
"You didn't see his face when afterwards. Or even worse, when I was leaving. He didn't even say goodbye. He just stood there looking at me."
"Just give him some time to come around. It must be a lot for him to have to think about too. You guys never spoke about how you felt and all of a sudden, you almost kissed."
While Clare knew that Alli was right, she couldn't quite get her mind to that same point yet. As far as she was concerned, she was now public enemy number one in Eli's eyes. It was just as well, she figured. When he met her, her life was in disarray and evidently she was only capable of dragging him along for the ride. She felt terrible to have him get swept up in her drama. It wasn't something she had set out to do but now in hindsight, she could see that it was inevitable. From the start he had gotten caught in the tangled inner workings of her personal life- only now he had a starring role.
"I don't know. It feels final. I really messed this up."
"Listen to me. This is far from over. He wanted that kiss just as much as you did which means that he likes you. Feelings like that just don't go away. As much as it sucks, you just have to be patient- with the both of you."
"Which is to say?"
"That if he's not ready to talk, you have to respect that. There's still the play right? You promised you'd go."
"I don't think that offer is still valid."
"It's next week. If you see him, talk to him. If he's not up to it, he'll let you know."
It was the best advice anyone could give her but it hardly felt like enough. It was too much of a cliffhanger and Clare was the type of person who liked having answers, to know what would happen next. But this situation with Eli was so up in the air it made her feel uneasy. He could very well decide that he wanted nothing to do with her again, that his hopes had been crushed and he deemed their relationship unsalvageable. That was an outcome she wasn't so sure she could handle but Clare thought it wise to at least prepare herself for the possibility.
Rubbing at her temple, Clare could feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on, her head starting to throb slightly. She was working herself into a frenzy but it wasn't something she had much control over now. It was something she was prone to. Anytime her anxiety and natural worry wart tendencies were in full swing, her body would react instinctively to it.
She let out a sigh as she leaned over and got her purse, fishing around for her bottle of ibuprofen she always kept inside in case of emergency. After a moment she found the item she was looking for, pulling out the small vial of aspirin and removed the lid. Shaking out a capsule into the palm of her hand, Clare rolled her eyes as she realized her water bottle was empty. It was hardly anything to fuss over but the thought of moving now felt daunting. Still, she wanted to rid herself of the headache as best she could before it got even worse.
Getting out of her chair, Clare's hand furled into a small fist as she clutched the pill. She felt weak, lightheaded even and suddenly regretted her decision to skip breakfast in the morning. Since things went south with Eli, her appetite was all over the place. She knew it was all in her head and maybe even foolish seeing as though she and Eli weren't anything more than just friends. All the same it seemed as if she had the side effects of a breakup.
Her love life was a complete and utter wreck. She wasn't sure how or even why it was she kept slipping up along the way but she was starting to think maybe Eli had been right all along. Maybe there was truly such a thing as being incapable of being in a relationship. But the hopeless romantic in her silenced those thoughts quickly enough. She had always held onto the notion that maybe one day she would find the right person. Nothing was a guarantee or set in stone in any way, shape or form, least of all something as temperamental as feelings.
If her life as of late were a telling point, she could say she knew that better than anyone. With Jake it had felt so much like a sure thing. They'd been together for so long that Clare actually foresaw their life together. An engagement was the next step, or so she had believed it would be until he packed his bags and left her. Eli felt like a fresh start, a new beginning. All she wanted was a friendship but it didn't take long at all for her feelings to take flight. She almost regretted the fact that he let his walls down, if only to spare them the scenario they found themselves in today.
They would have been able to avoid those longing stares, those moments of shyness. They would have been able to maintain their friendship and keep it intact rather than have it fall by the wayside- and to such a heavy degree at that.
Clare shook her head as she made it down the hall, past the cluster of cubicles and into the more open area of the floor to the break room. She smiled cordially at one of the staff writers who walked by before pushing open the door.
Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, the breath leaving her lungs all at once. The range of emotions that washed over her ran across the spectrum in what felt like no time at all, ending in sheer anger and disbelief.
"You have got to be freaking kidding me," she growled.
Jake jumped back from Katie, both their faces flushed from the intense make out session Clare had stumbled upon. It was an image that would forever burn in her memory, the way his hands trailed down her sides as hers took station in his hair, her fingers threading through his locks.
It was heated, passionate and clearly not the first time they'd done such a thing. Clare was furious, seeing red as she stared between the two of them. Katie avoided her stare, taken a sudden interest in the ground while Jake rubbed anxiously at his jaw. Clare didn't break her focus on him, silently demanding an answer.
"Clare, let me explain," he said, his voice almost tired as if they'd been talking for hours on end about the same topic.
"Save it, Jake! You don't have to do anything. I can see it all for myself," she hissed. "I can't believe either you. You're disgusting and I really hope she's worth it."
Her voice was rising steadily but she didn't care to pipe down. She was enraged and she refused to let them get away from her wrath unscathed.
"Two and a half years and you mean to tell me you let it all go so you could hook up some girl from work behind my back?"
Katie looked up at her then, her expression almost wounded at how much Clare had belittled her but she didn't feel a drop of remorse for it. Katie was supposed to be her friend, someone that she felt comfortable enough to trust in.
She thought back to the first Monday back after Jake had broken up with her, how much Katie never truly inquired about their breakup. While it was true they hadn't gone around telling anyone, it was more than obvious the two ended things but never once did Katie ask because all the while, she knew the truth. She was the reason for it all.
Clare's eyes flickered to the bracelet she had complimented her on, now feeling sick at the realization that it must have been a gift from Jake.
"We were going to tell you…we just didn't know how," Katie piped up, automatically earning a death glare.
"You're joking, right? God! You sat there every single day, smiling in my face this whole time. Do not talk to me. Either of you. I'm done. I am so done!" she shouted.
Her voice rang out as she was still in the doorway but she couldn't register much else other than the scene playing out before her. Her body was trembling with angry, almost like ripple effect coursing through her. Forgotten now was the headache she had moments before. Her problems were much bigger than something as trivial as that now. She wanted to scream, kick, anything to get the pain out completely but it hardly felt like it would be enough to free her of the hurt washing over.
"Clare, calm down," Jake tried to reason.
"Don't you dare tell me to calm down when you were cheating on me! What did you expect? For me to give you my blessing?"
He stepped closer to her, which put her on edge, trying once more to settle her down.
"You need to relax. Now's not the time for this."
"Says the one making out with his girlfriend at work," she said, snaring the title.
She looked at him with such disdain, as if he were truly the lowest of low. In her eyes he was, right along with Katie who had completely broken their friendship. She couldn't believe that Katie would be the type to steal someone's boyfriend, least of all from someone she actually she knew personally. It made her sick, her head pounding again from the migraine as well as her shouting.
She turned in a huff, stomping into the main hall. She could feel the energy of the floor, the office far more quiet than usual but she didn't care in the least bit. All she wanted to do was put as much space as she could between herself and the new happy couple. Her mind was swirling with questions but she wasn't in the mood to hear the answers. How long had they been together? It broke her heart to even try and calculate the numbers. What did Katie have that she didn't? Her insecurities now crossed her mind, all the things she deemed to be flaws the possible culprit for his betrayal.
Her eyes were stinging with unshed tears now as she began to pace the hall for a moment. She wasn't ready to face her coworkers just yet, knowing that those in close enough range would have been able to catch every last bit of the heated exchange. She rubbed stubbornly at her eyes, a few tears breaking free and skimming down her face as she tried to steady her breathing.
"Look, I'm sorry," she heard Jake say.
She stopped in her tracks, looking up at him and let out a dry humorless laugh.
"You're sorry. You're sorry…that's all you have to say after what you did?"
Her temper was flaring up again. She knew Jake wasn't the best at handling confrontations but she couldn't believe he had the nerve to stand before her and offer a halfhearted apology.
"Go to hell. Seriously," she said acidly, brushing past him and continuing down the hall.
She could hear his footsteps following after her but she didn't dare look back, instead doing her best to keep her wits about her before she'd have to go back into the main part of the office. She had finally reached, sniffling quietly to herself when she felt his hand on her arm as he tried to stop her.
"Do. Not. Touch. Me," she snarled.
Jake took a step back, shocked to see Clare this upset. Normally she was soft natured and calm but this angered her like nothing else ever had in her life.
"Did you not hear me before? Screw you, Jake. I hope you two have a great life together," she quipped, her words laced with venom that matched her wild stare.
She could feel all eyes on her as she marched to her desk, grabbing her jacket and purse before heading for the staircase at the far end. She didn't want to see anyone or go back to where Jake was for the elevator.
She had more than earned the rest of the day off, needing a break now more than ever. It felt as if everything was working against her all at once. Happiness was so fleeting she almost forgot what the emotion felt like over the last few days.
Now that she was alone again, Clare let out heavy sobs with each step she took down the staircase, the sound reverberating off the walls. She'd been keeping so much in for so long that her breaking point was a major one. She knew it was only a matter of time before she cracked under the pressure of it all but this final straw had been too much for her to genuinely accept. It all felt surreal, like a page from someone else's life but the reality was very much present and inescapable. At some point she would have to return to and try to make sense of it all but today certainly was not that day.
"No, no, no. Stop, cut," Eli called, shaking his head.
He wasn't quite sure what the problem was but something wasn't clicking like it should have been as he oversaw rehearsals. They were now working on the final scene, the day seemingly never-ending. He was irritable, a product of yet another night of fitful sleep. He didn't feel much like himself and he knew it all went back to two nights ago.
He felt haunted now by the memory of what it was like to get that close to Clare. He could recall how soft her skin was as he held onto her, how tender her gaze was as her eyes met with his. He remembered the feel of her nose against his and the warm smile that danced across her lips as if she were in on a big secret. He had steadied himself for it, the way their mouths would undoubtedly fall into sync with one another's. He didn't realize just how badly he had been craving her until the moment passed and amounted to nothing.
Eli was bitter but more so upset with himself for allowing his feelings to get the best of him. He had done a decent job post-break up with Imogen of distancing himself from girls. He took to his playwriting more than ever as a means of escaping and it hadn't let him down before. He thrived in this field but now with his mind so far off track from where it used to be, nothing seemed to please him.
"Eli, what's wrong? That scene was perfect," Fiona said, looking at him incredulously.
"I don't know. It just didn't feel okay but fine. Fair enough."
His tone was defeated as he rubbed at his eye and sighed. There was still one week remaining until opening night and while Eli knew his cast and crew was more than capable of having a success on their hands, he felt those pre-showcase jitters in full swing. Coupled with his already high stress over the state of his relationship with Clare, it all felt more like a recipe for disaster.
Fiona looked at him for another moment, her brows furrowing before she turned her attention back to the stage.
"Take five, everybody," she announced, the actors of stage shuffling off. "I'm going to ask this again. What's wrong?"
"I just have a lot on my mind. You know how I get this close to opening night."
"I'm not stupid, Eli. I know when something is up. This about more than just the play, isn't it?"
"I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? Let's just focus on getting through rehearsals."
"If you're going to be this miserable, how much work do you expect to get done?" she asked sincerely.
He turned his face to see her expression and was met with a look of true concern. He wondered what he must have looked like through Fiona's eyes. Already within himself he didn't feel the same and it was clear it showed without his consent.
"We can wrap up now and just come in earlier tomorrow. I think you and I need to talk."
Eli didn't say anything, just offering a simple head nod as Fiona rose from her seat and headed backstage. Once she was out of view, Eli let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his disheveled locks. His mind was far too preoccupied for his likings but there wasn't much he could really do about it now. He had to soldier on and continue to see his play through. He couldn't afford any slip ups or distractions of any kind.
But as it were, it was a little too late for that. He was off his game, he could feel it but he lacked the ability to get on course once entirely. He knew he was merely burying most of his feelings and that alone was the reason for why he was running into so much trouble. He didn't speak much to Adam after Clare left. He simply filled him in on what happened exactly but wasn't up for conversation about it.
At this point he wondered if there were even any words that could be said that would somehow make it okay. Each day that went past without him hearing from Clare added another wave of concern for him. Eli tried his best to remain indifferent but he missed having her there. Now he wasn't sure if he had managed to offend her or scare her off. But her silence was saying enough to him.
"Let's go for a walk, shall we?" Fiona offered as she stood center stage, her hands on her hips.
While he was perfectly content wallowing in self-pity, he thought perhaps a change of scenery would do him some good.
He got up from his seat in the front row, reaching out a hand to her as he helped her down off the stage. He smiled in spite of himself. He was grateful to Fiona. She always so attuned to him, able to tell the differences in his moods at the drop of a hat. It probably should have been unnerving but if anything, he found it to be reassuring that he had such a great person in his life. While his relationships always seemed to fail, the friendships he managed to forge over the years had ceased to let him down.
"Such a gentleman," she teased once she was back on the ground beside him.
"So, where to, m'lady?"
"I was thinking the park, yes? It's so nice outside today."
The pair made their way up the aisle and into the lobby. Sure enough sunlight was pouring in through the glass windows. It was already doing wonders for his state of mind. The theatre was a complete cave in comparison, Eli now finding himself all too eager to get outside and move around. It was when he was at rest that his mind would drift into dangerous territory for too long.
As they stepped outside, Eli drew in a breath, his hands furrowing into his pockets as he ambled along the sidewalk with Fiona. The small park was only a block away, the two walking in silence the entire way. Eli was glad for the fact that Fiona was exercising some sense of restraint. Ordinarily she would be hounding him down with questions but he supposed something in his demeanor was enough to make her hold off until they arrived at the park.
Walking through the wrought iron gates, he began to relax, his hands slipping out of his pockets and allowing his arms to fall at his sides. It was a perfect spring day, the sun shining brightly overhead and a few lazy clouds drifting along the clear blue sky. He allowed the gentle breeze that passed to calm him a bit more. Already he felt his mind clearing up a bit but still, the slight edge was there.
"I suppose I should say something right about now, huh?" he started, glancing to her as they got onto the pathway.
"That would be lovely, yes."
"Alright…so, as you know, Clare came over for dinner on Tuesday and things were pretty much a mess from the start."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's see. I messed up my pants, that was great. Dinner was late. Then it got burned so Adam had to go out and grab Chinese. And then…."
"Tell me! God, you and your suspense," she chided.
"We almost kissed. We were in the kitchen, playing around but things got a bit serious. I was going for it and I know she was too but Adam came back before anything happened."
Fiona swatted his arm, her jaw dropping. "What was that for?"
"That was for dinner being two nights ago and you only telling me about this now," she countered.
He had to admit she had a point but he was far too confused and frustrated by it all to speak up about it. He couldn't even talk to Adam about what he was thinking and they lived together. Bringing it up out of the blue wasn't something he was keen on doing. He wanted to forget as best he could, even if all his efforts were in vain.
"Is it safe to assume you two haven't spoken since then? Oh my god, dinner must have been so awkward. Sorry, not helping."
"Nope, we haven't. Dinner was strange but she and Adam hit it off. She told him she would come back but I doubt that will happen."
"You could always call or text her. Things are only going to be as awkward as you make them."
Eli fell silent at her words, knowing them to be true but the thought of reaching out to Clare made him feel uneasy. They'd left off on such strange terms that Eli wasn't even sure if they were even friends at this point. He hoped the title was still intact but things might have been in her court now. He hated how juvenile it all felt but it couldn't be helped.
"I'm not going to force myself into her life it there isn't a place for me," he decided, glancing over at her before looking ahead.
"For a smart guy, you really make some stupid decisions."
"Harsh much?"
"Sorry but come on, Eli. You've been spending so much time with this girl and now you're ready to throw in the towel over a silly misunderstanding?"
"It's not that simple, Fi. Trust me. I just- I don't know if I can set myself up again. After things with Julia and Imogen, I was so sure I wouldn't go down this road and here I am. It sucks."
"What am I going to do with you? Come here," she said, walking over to a bench and taking a seat.
Eli settled in beside her, his legs outstretched as he looked out the grass. A few people had the same idea as them: a couple treating themselves to a picnic, a group of friends playing a game of Frisbee and others simply shooting the breeze. He watched them all intently as a pair of joggers ran past them.
"I don't even know what I'm doing with myself," he laughed dryly.
"You don't have to have all the answers. I don't mean to stress you out or anything but I know that you guys do like each other. It's been a while since I've seen you so happy about a girl."
"I hate that though. All this uncertainty…it doesn't sit well with me at all. I like her a lot but I shouldn't have. Maybe that was my mistake all along."
"You do realize you're only twenty four, right?"
"Yes, I'm well aware oddly enough. I think I'm missing your point."
"Clearly," she said with a light eye roll. "I mean, you're a young guy. If you're this grumpy about relationships now, I'm afraid of what you'll be like years from now."
Eli frowned to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose as he leaned over. His elbows rested against his knees, a low sigh emitting from his lips. He felt drained; tired of this conversation and everything else that went along with it. He was thinking about Clare too much.
Prior to two days ago, that was something he would indulge himself in but now it was pure torture.
"I'm just going to give it some time. She knows where I stand on this. I have the play coming up. It has to be perfect. I can't allow room for distractions."
"The play is going to be a total hit, everyone knows it but okay. We'll save all this Clare talk until afterwards but you have to promise me you'll speak to her soon."
"I promise. Once everything is squared away…I'll get in touch with her."
Eli wasn't sure when that conversation would happen or how it would even begin but he was certain that this chapter of his life was merely on hold, not completely finished. There was still so much left that he needed to discuss but above all else, he longed to maintain the friendship with her that had come to mean just about everything to him.
But the way she moved back from him after the kiss that could have been, the way she didn't touch base on it afterwards or really bothered to say much to him at all during dinner made him wonder if she was merely swept up in the moment and only now found the ability to come back to her senses. It didn't make much sense for her to like him. After all they were new to each other and she hadn't even gotten the vaguest bit of closure on her last relationship. He was the guy that swore off dating all together.
Too many factors had been against them from the beginning but foolishly enough Eli longed for more. That was an error on his part. His only regret now was realizing it all too late. But if there was even the slightest hint that she was still interested, Eli knew he had to at least give it a try. He was conflicted within himself but Fiona had a point. He was far too young to be so jaded. All he could now was hope that if he took the leap of faith, Clare would be there to catch him.
A/N: So, I must call attention to DegrassiCat who, in chapter 9, made the Jatie prediction. I laughed when I saw that review but of course I couldn't spill any secrets. You are very good! Congrats to you and anyone else who suspected that. ;) I hope you all liked the chapter.
