Hi folks!
As you can see, I'm working hard on churning this one out as fast as I can. So I apologize to those who I didn't get to thank personally for their reviews. Consider this quick update a token of my gratitude. ;o)
-Moki
Chapter Eleven
"But only if you mean it."
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Sitting in the darkened and quiet room, Gibbs couldn't sleep, unlike the man lying in the bed next to him. Ducky's words still hung in the air and Gibbs knew that the old M.E. was right. Trouble was, how exactly was he supposed to help? DiNozzo wasn't showing signs of waking up anytime soon. He wasn't showing any signs of improvement either and that worried him more. It was as if the younger man had given up.
Gibbs had to try and get his agent to see that he was blaming himself needlessly. It was hard enough getting his Senior Field Agent to listen to him when he was awake. How was he supposed to get through to him now?
Then it occurred to Gibbs that maybe this could be exactly what they both needed. Gibbs wasn't comfortable baring his soul to people and Tony certainly wouldn't be comfortable listening to it.
Maybe he could say things to the man while he was asleep that he'd never to say when Tony was awake. Maybe then he could get through.
Since he had little choice, Gibbs decided to give it a try. Clearing his throat, he looked around to make sure that the corpsman on duty wasn't about to come in and check on the only patient currently in isolation.
"Tony…." Gibbs paused, not sure exactly what to say next. "Listen up. If I find out you're faking, I'll tan your hide."
Gibbs smiled a little, becoming more comfortable with the idea of finally telling the younger man what he thought, without having to hide it under gruff words and head slaps.
"I guess I understand why you haven't talked to me about all this. You thought I didn't trust you. That I blamed you. Maybe I did. Maybe a part of me did anyway."
The older man leaned forward and rested an arm on the bed, looking directly into the sleeping face before him.
"But I don't now. You hear me, DiNozzo? I don't. Neither does anyone else. McGee, Ziva, they don't either."
Gibbs sighed sadly.
"The only one blaming you for Jenny's death is you, Tony."
Tony's eyes fluttered a little, his body moving restlessly under the sheets. As if the other man had spoken out loud, Gibbs sighed and shook his head in reply.
"Okay, maybe you're right. Vance might blame you but I'm not going to let him keep blaming you. He wasn't there. He didn't know Jenny. He doesn't know what she would do. She killed herself DiNozzo. She may have used a bunch of dirtbags to do it, but it was still her choice. I'll make Vance see that."
Tony turned his head away, his brows furrowing in a pain Gibbs couldn't see. Momentarily afraid that the other man's condition had worsened, Gibbs looked worriedly at the machines. Nothing seemed to be different and after a glance to ensure that the corpsman hadn't noticed anything amiss, he relaxed.
"Don't turn away from me, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "We're having this out. Now."
Tony coughed in his sleep and Gibbs reached forward to adjust the mask over his face, as the other man's restless movements dislodged it.
"The truth is that you couldn't have saved any of them. Blaming yourself isn't going to bring them back. You have to stop this. Do you really think this is what they want for you? Kate? Paula? Jenny?......." Gibbs paused
"Your mother?"
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Tony felt like he was still swimming. It didn't make any sense though. He thought he had gotten out of the water. Everything was moving around him, images and sounds passing before he could make any sense of them.
Every once in a while something would settle down long enough for him to see and hear it. He saw himself as a little boy, sitting in a long hallway outside of a room that held his mother. His father talking quietly to people in white coats.
Not wanting to see anymore of that day, the day his mother was taken from him forever, Tony pushed away. He floated off again, letting other images pass him by.
Somewhere in the darkness, he heard familiar voices. Ziva. McGee. Gibbs.
"It's not his fault."
He thought he heard them say it but he didn't want to believe it. Of course it was his fault, all of it was.
Wanting to get away again, he floated away to another place for a while.
Soon he heard the voices again. This time Ducky was talking about him, saying that he was asleep and he couldn't wake up.
That was silly. Of course he could wake up. He just didn't want to wake up. What was the point? Weren't they all better of without him there to screw everything up?
Tony swam away again and for a while he kept everything at bay. Images of Kate, Paula and Jenny tried to join the ones of his mother. When they did, he just pushed them farther aside.
Then a quiet voice entered the water. It cut through everything else and try as he might, Tony couldn't fight this one.
"Tony….listen up. If I find out you're faking, I'll tan your hide."
The threat made him smile. That was so like his boss to threaten him when he was already hurting. Despite himself, Tony found that he had to stay and listen.
"I guess I understand why you haven't talked to me about all this. You thought I didn't trust you. That I blamed you. Maybe I did. Maybe a part of me did anyway."
Tony frowned. Suddenly he wanted to swim away again.
"But I don't now. You hear me, DiNozzo? I don't. Neither does anyone else. McGee, Ziva, they don't either."
Was it true then? Did Ziva and McGee actually say the things that he thought he heard earlier?
"The only one blaming you for Jenny's death is you, Tony."
Tony felt anger inside him. As much as he trusted Gibbs, he knew in his heart that the other man was wrong. He felt like screaming. There was someone who blamed him. He knew it.
"Okay, maybe you're right. Vance might blame you but I'm not going to let him. He wasn't there. He didn't know Jenny. He doesn't know what she would do. She killed herself DiNozzo. She may have used a bunch of dirtbags to do it, but it was still her choice. I'll make Vance see that."
Tony felt his anger die down. His boss knew about Vance but could he really do anything about it? Was there a chance? He wanted to believe it but didn't dare.
Tony tried to swim away again. He couldn't afford to hope. Hope would only make the pain worse when the truth came out. He couldn't bear that.
"Don't turn away from me, DiNozzo. We're having this out. Now."
Tony still tried to fight but his boss continued and once again, he felt himself drawn to the familiar voice.
"The truth is that you couldn't have saved any of them. Blaming yourself isn't going to bring any of them back. You have to stop this. Do you really think this is what they want for you? Kate? Paula? Jenny?.......Your mother?"
The images around Tony stopped. Darkness returned but Tony welcomed the respite from the constant influx of things he didn't want to see. Silence settled around him and he thought about what Gibbs said.
Would his mother really want this for him? Would she be happy to see him suffering so much over her death? He knew the answer was no. She would never want that for him. She would want him to do well and live a wonderful life. She would want grandchildren.
And Kate? Paula? Jenny? What about them?
Once again, Tony knew the answer would be no. Kate had been his partner, they had held each other's lives in their hands many times. She wouldn't want or expect him to stop living just because she did. Paula and he may not have been able to make their relationship work but they had both wished each other well. Once again he knew she wouldn't want him to stop living just because she did.
And the same was true of Jenny. She had chosen to end her life on her own terms. She wouldn't want his life to end because hers did. If anything, she too would want him to go on, do well, become a team leader someday.
It occurred to him then that by beating himself up he was doing nothing but a disservice to the memories of these women that he admired so much. Each one had influenced his life, changed him, encouraged him, brought out the best in him. In short, they'd all had a hand in making him a better man.
What was he doing, beating himself up over them when it was the last thing they would want?
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Tony's eyes snapped open and he gasped at the sudden return to consciousness. The lights were low but to his retinas, unused to any light source for so many long hours, they burned. Reaching up to cover his eyes, Tony coughed uncontrollably and felt the sting of the needles in his arms, panicking at the temporary overload to his senses.
Soothing hands touched his shoulder and Tony relaxed automatically under the familiar touch.
"Hey, easy. You're gong to tear out something and then Ducky is going to kill both of us."
Closing his eyes to keep out the light until he got used to it again, Tony couldn't help but to smile.
"Hey Boss."
"Nice of you to join us, DiNozzo."
Before either of them could say another word the corpsman on duty was in the room and by Tony's bedside.
"Nice to see you awake, Agent DiNozzo. The whole crew is going to be happy to hear it." The man said as he quickly checked on the agent's condition.
"The crew?" Tony coughed the word out and was helped into a sitting position for a few moments until he got his breath back. Gibbs guided him back down onto the bed with a slight grin for his agent.
"Yep, practically the whole crew was out looking for you DiNozzo, including the entire Air Wing. Though personally I think it was because it gave them an excuse to run Flight Ops. I think they were getting bored."
Tony didn't reply, much too surprised to know what to say. That the entire crew would look for him was a shock. He knew Gibbs would come after him but he never thought the rest of the crew on board would care enough for him to send out the Air Wing. Maybe a few rescue choppers but the whole Wing?
Ducky came bustling in just then and Tony meekly submitted to more pokes and prods before being left alone with his boss once again.
Several seconds stretched out into an uncomfortable silence as neither knew what to say. Gibbs wasn't sure how much Tony would remembered from the conversation he'd had with him while he was asleep and didn't know where to begin next.
The truth was that Tony remembered all of it. It still felt like a dream but he knew which parts of it were real. Kind of like having something from real life (the sound of a radio or a phone) enter a dream and then waking up and realizing that the sound had actually been there all along.
It made Tony feel strange, knowing how much his boss had said to him, knowing that he may not have said it all if he'd been awake. It also made him realize that he had his boss to thank for his life, not just physically but mentally.
Clearing his throat nervously, Tony decided he'd better go ahead and say something, anything.
"So Gibbs, I guess….uh…I guess I owe you for my life," Tony began awkwardly.
"Yeah well, I guess that makes us even. For now." Gibbs replied seriously.
"Even?" Tony's brain was still not quite awake yet.
"I seem to recall you diving into the ocean to pull my ass out not too long ago."
"Oh right. That. So uh…."
"Hey DiNozzo, I always say apologizing is a sign of weakness. Never said anything about "thank you's"
"Oh. Well in that case, thanks Boss." Tony said with a smile.
"You're welcome…." Gibbs paused as he watched the grin on Tony's face grow wider.
"Oh and those are okay too. In case you were curious."
Gibbs held up a finger.
"But only if you mean it."
