"Rei-kun! You're looking sharp this evening. Now who, might I ask, are those for?"

Mrs. Matsuoka was such a sweet and unassuming woman that Rei had honestly not expected any type of confrontation, and certainly not at the eleventh hour on her doorstep. She was smiling cheerfully at him, but he knew well that a pleasant face didn't always mean a pleasant mood, and the last thing he wanted to do was upset her before they had even left the house.

Then, it occurred to him that he'd never explicitly asked for her permission first. That would've been the proper thing to do before showing up on her doorstep with flowers and impure thoughts about her son, but he'd been so distracted with perfecting the details of his romantic notions that he'd completely failed to consider her feelings on the matter.

For the umpteenth time that day, Rei began to panic.

What if Mrs. Matsuoka didn't approve of Rin dating in high school? What if she didn't approve of Rei?

How could he have been so thoughtless and irresponsible?!

"These are, um…" The tiniest pinpricks of nervous sweat broke out along his hairline.

She and Coach Sasabe were both staring at him expectantly, and if he didn't think of some way to fix this…

Well, he had to fix it! There was simply no other option!

"I—" Proceeding with the first course of action he thought of to rectify his negligence, Rei took a deep breath and bowed, presenting Mrs. Matsuoka with the bouquet as though he had brought it for this specific purpose. "—would like to formally request your permission to take Rin out on a date!"

His display was met with uncomfortable silence.

Why…?

A lone bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.

Why didn't anyone tell him that courtship would be this difficult?!

So many preparations he should have thought of!

The only sound he heard above the rapid pulse of blood rushing through his ears was the increasing volume of heavy footsteps as they approached from within the house.

"Rei. What are you doing?"

Rather than descending into further panic, however, Rei sighed quietly in relief. His perplexed and frequently irritable lifeboat for escaping this sinking wreck of a conversation had finally arrived.

Since Mrs. Matsuoka had yet to say anything or otherwise audibly react, Rei lifted his head—just in time to witness the unique blend of shock, denial, and grief as it blossomed over Rin's face.

"Mom, your date is Coach Sasabe?!"

Mrs. Matsuoka frowned apologetically. "I tried to tell you, sweetheart, but you disappeared into your room as soon as you came home."

His flowers and request for permission forgotten, Rei stood upright and adjusted his glasses, bracing himself for what looked to be an oncoming explosion, if Rin's misty-eyed glare were any indication.

"Whatever," Rin sneered, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"We're going to talk about this as a family when I get home, okay?" Mrs. Matsuoka looked up at him earnestly and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Curling his lip in disgust, Rin shrugged it off and gritted his teeth. "Fine."

And then Rei hypothesized that death glares were a genetically linked trait carried on the X chromosome.

"Don't get an attitude with me."

Though it wasn't a particularly loud reprimand, Rin recoiled like a hot pistol.

Using only the tips of her fingers, Mrs. Matsuoka carefully lifted his chin from where he'd turned away. "I expect you home by ten," she continued softly, in that motherly stern-but-loving tone. "I'll be keeping my phone on, so if anything goes wrong, you call me."

Despite the tears welling up, Rin nodded. "Yes, Mom."

Rei couldn't help anxiously shuffling from foot to foot as their emotional exchange progressed from awkward to embarrassingly private. Even Coach Sasabe, who wisely kept his mouth shut through it all, looked edgier than during their notorious non-regulation relay swap at regionals.

"Here, I'll put these in some water." Mrs. Matsuoka held out both hands, and Coach Sasabe casually passed her the roses. When she made eye contact with Rei, however, Rei… hesitated.

Hesitated, but handed them over anyway because the moment he'd dreamed of was long gone, and there was no getting it back. He stared at his shoes in disappointment as she stepped over the threshold.

That wasn't at all how this scene was supposed to play out. Rin was supposed to blush and coo, not cry and snarl at his mother, Sasabe wasn't even supposed to be here, and Kaede certainly wasn't supposed to be yelling at them from across the driveway to pick up the pace.

"Yo, dudes, what's up? I thought we were going somewhere!"

Keiko leaned against Kaede's shoulder and helpfully honked the horn for emphasis.

"Oh my god, are they still arguing? What the fuck are they doing?" Keiko rolled down her window and poked her head out, hoping to overhear some clue as to what had gotten Rei's boyfriend so worked up.

Was he always that goddamn emotional?

Despite having one less layer of glass between the scene and her ears, Keiko could make out nothing Rei said as he raised his outstretched palms to Rin like the kid was a raging bonfire. While Rei blabbered at him, Rin crossed his arms tightly against his chest and watched the grass grow.

It was as though they were intentionally making zero effort to move.

Kaede drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and sighed. "Do you want me to honk this time?"

Then, Rei finally stepped off the stoop with Rin in tow.

"Wait, no, here they come. Crank it."

The engine woke with a stuttered whine as Kaede turned the key.

On their stupidly slow journey to the car, Rei and Rin ambled close enough together to hold hands but for some reason didn't, Rin in particular seeming especially focused on keeping his hands out of reach. If Keiko were a betting woman (which she was), she'd put all her money against the possibility of there being a second date in their future.

Which was unfortunate because they were so cute together at the swim meet.

"Wow, really?"

Keiko nearly jumped out of her skin at Kaede's unexpectedly loud objection to… something. She cautiously glanced over her shoulder at his eyes and followed his line of sight to Rin, who was apparently being pulled to the car only by the force of Rei's gravitational field and still looking glum about whatever.

There was nothing obviously offensive going on that she could figure. Unless Kaede just had it out for emo kids.

Regardless of the reason, Kaede felt intensely angered, wearing a scowl that looked strangely unnatural on his face. "Is he wearing plaid flannel? On a date? I don't care how much Rei spent on those flowers, I'm not letting that dude in my car."

Keiko blinked slowly.

Clothes?

Of all things, Kaede was offended by Rin's clothes.

She narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Are you seriously sitting here criticizing another guy's fashion choices?"

Then, Kaede turned his scowl on Keiko. "Are you seriously implying that flannel is somehow acceptable for a first date?"

He could not be serious.

There was no reason to get this worked up over a stupid ugly outfit.

"So you're gonna, what, lock the doors on them?"

Which he apparently thought was a great idea, as then he pressed the switch on the door, doing exactly that. "Either he takes it off or he does not get in the car."

Keiko shook her head and rested her forehead in her palm. At no point during any of their admittedly few interactions did Kaede ever give the slightest hint that he might be some kind of batshit fashion critic.

"What if whatever he's wearing under it looks even worse?" She pressed the switch on her side of the car to unlock it.

"We're at his house still," Kaede countered, locking the doors back. "He could run inside and change his shirt at least."

"Kaede… no." She pressed the switch again.

"Stop unlocking the doors! This is my car!"

Before he could relock them, however, Keiko snatched his hand from the controls and firmly planted it on his knee. "You are not making a stupid scene out of this."

Positively scandalized, Kaede opened his mouth to object, but not fast enough.

"The sooner we leave here, the sooner you can see my tits," Keiko reasoned reasonably.

Then, all the tension immediately drained from his body.

"Just this once," he conceded, nodding agreeably. "He can ride in my car looking like a hobo just this once."

Sent! (19:08) Your brother keeps looking at me funny.

Similarly, Rei looked at his phone funny.

"Why are you texting me this?" he whispered. "We're sitting right next to each other."

To which Rin could only glare because the answer should have been fucking obvious.

Sent! (19:09) I don't want him to hear us.

Rei frowned as though he were extremely put upon by the simple task of keeping quiet as he typed his reply.

Rei (19:09) Well, what do you expect me to do about it?

Sent! (19:10) IDK, I just thought you might know what crawled up his ass between practice and 5 minutes ago.

Rei (19:11) I haven't the slightest. He's rarely angry, and when he is, it's usually over something trivial. He'll be over it pretty quickly, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Sent! (19:12) He didn't find out about the relay, did he?

Rei (19:12) If he did, he hasn't said anything to me, and I'd be the first person he would complain to.

Sent! (19:13) What about that picture? You deleted it, right? Like there's no way he saw my dick?

Rei (19:14) We would never hear the end of it if he had.

Sent! (19:14) But you DID delete it, tho. Right?

Rei shifted in his seat and stared at the contents of his hand for way too long, which meant that either he had been too embarrassed to look at the dickpic again or he had been keeping it around for its original intended purpose the entire time.

Rin didn't want to know which.

Sent! (19:17) OMG REI YOU STILL HAVE IT?! YOU GOTTA DELETE IT!

As soon as he read the message, Rei glanced over at Rin with a light rouge coloring his cheeks.

As if he had anything to be embarrassed about.

Rei (19:17) Right now while we're still in the car?

If Rin could ignite things with the power of his mind, Rei's phone would have exploded.

Sent! (19:18) YES RIGHT NOW! I WANNA SEE YOU DO IT!

Rei (19:18) Fine, I'll delete it! Just give me a few seconds.

Had he been mindful to their proximity to a parking space, however, Rin definitely would've reconsidered his deletion ultimatum. As Rei tapped the screen, scrolled down, tapped it again, and swiped across it several times to find the image, the car came to a gradual stop.

But it was the sudden lack of music and chatter from the front seat that caught the two's attention just long enough for Nagisa's sister to decide that their business was also her business.

"Hey, you guys have been awfully quiet back there. Something wrong?"

Rei immediately hid the screen of his phone against his shirt. "Nothing!"

She peeked around the headrest of her seat and cocked an eyebrow. "It sure doesn't sound like nothing."

"I—I was just, uh. Showing Rin-san a picture of a c—cat."

But the dumb lie only heightened Keiko's interest. "Oo, I love kitties! Lemme see!"

And she had the reflexes of a cat, too, for which Rei was grossly unprepared as she whipped her arm around the seat, jammed her fingers between his, and tugged the phone with a strong enough force to slip it from his grip without a struggle.

Then, it was as if time and space had slowed down to a crawl for the specific purpose of stretching Rin's pain out for as long as possible.

"Wait!" Rei all but screamed, reaching out a mere millisecond too late to stop it.

If the situation hadn't made him want to jump off the nearest cliff, Rin would've laughed at the way Keiko's eyes bulged and her mouth twisted to wrinkle the skin on one side of her nose as she came to realize what was actually on that screen.

"Jesus!" she shouted, surprisingly in English, which Rin would've also found amusing.

To top it all off, Kaede snatched the phone from her to see what all the fuss was about.

"Holy shit, bro! Is this your dick?!"

Rei looked like he would rather confess to murder. "No! It's not mine, I swear!"

Keiko gave him a scrutinous onceover. "So, you're showing him some other guy's dick?"

Rin's face heated up like a furnace in anticipation of what would surely come next. So, he buried it in his hands and prayed for the garbage gods to teleport him to the nearest dumpster where he belonged.

"No! No, no, no!" Rei continued his mantra of denial.

"Well, if it's not yours, and it's not some other—Oh my god. Oh my GOD."

"Babe?"

"Kaede."

"Keiko-san! Niisan, no!"

"Ho. Ly. Fucking shit. Are you for real?"

"Niisan, please!"

"Bro, you never told me Jaws was carrying a nightstick."