In this chapter self harm and suicide will be mention in Sam's Crossroad, please read at your own risk if it brings up bad memories or feeling don't read. Will be posted on the part when it happens, it's in only one paragraph that will be mention in take the warning seriously.
Strolling down the hallway towards the ICU Jackson stop off at the Nurses Station to hand them paperwork, so they could file them under his patients he just saw for check ups. Watching them doing as he asked them to do he headed for the double doors, pulling one of the doors open he headed to Sam's room to check up on the brother's. Dean been with Sam for an hour and a half longer then he told the older brother; he didn't have it in his heart to send the man away in the time frame he had wanted. Seeing the devastated look in his eyes and face he couldn't bring himself to remove his friend yet, he decided to give Dean more time with Sam hopefully he can get through to him. As he walked up to the door he heard Dean talking to Sam, not wanted to invade their privacy, he stood by the door to listen. He had to know how the older brother really felt about the younger one, after what he heard from Dean and still seeing the anger, he needed to know the truth.
As he listen to Dean pour his heart out to Sam about everything they been through, it angered him to know his friend still have issues with Sam. Knowing all to well about those bent up feelings he had with Jefferson, when they were at their lowest they never hated each other, yes they were angry but hate, no. To hear his friend said that he tried to hate on Sam made his blood boil, it was one thing he thought would never hear from the older man. The more he listen his heart started to get heavy to hear the raw emotions, by the time Dean was done he felt tears rolling down his checks wiping them away he knock on the door. Opening the door what he saw took his breath away to see Dean so lost and afraid, they way he had a death grip on Sam's shirt to afraid to let go of him. If he did that his brother would slip away if that connection wasn't intact, seeing the fight going on inside the mind of the oldest brother. Jackson was second guessing on letting Dean leave the room breaking that connection, then he remember the hate he's still feeling something Sam didn't need.
Watching as Dean walked out of the room he turned one last time to his little brother, before setting his eyes on Jackson who could see the battle ragging inside. Keeping a close eye on what he'll do Jackson waited until Dean left the room, seeing the hunch shoulders, low cast eyes, he walked down the hallway. Walking up to the doorway he looked down the hall as Dean press the button to the elevator, as the doors closed Jackson saw his shoulders shaking as sobs rack his body. Turning to his patient he step inside the room walked across to the bed, taking the clip board in hand he check Sam over to see if anything has change. The one thing that worried him from his last check up is his heart rate and blood pressure, both have gone down in the last three hours that has him concerned greatly. After he check his friend over he pulled a chair next to his bed so he can keep an eye on him, with him already doing his other rounds earlier he had time to spend with Sam. Reaching over he brush hair off his forehead letting his hand linger on his cheek, taking a deep breath there was something he needed to say.
"Sam, I know how you are feeling my friend I do, Jefferson and I had a falling out eleven years ago. It was over something so stupid and pity, we were both angry said some hurtful words to each other. We didn't talk to each other for a little over a year, something bad happen to me that brought us back to each other. We've patch up our broken bond became closer then we ever been which I'm glad we did, ten years ago I lost Jefferson to a pack of werewolves he wasn't even hunting them. A few hunters got injured while hunting them in the woods; they called Jeff since he was the closet doctor to where they were. When he got there to look over one of the hunters is when he was attack, they mauled Jeff there wasn't much left of him. I miss him every day Sam wish he was here right now, I want my brother back I know that would be impossible."
"I know you can't hear me my friend wish you could so you know your not alone, just hang in there buddy things will get better I promise they will."
Jackson sat a little longer at Sam's bed side before he had to leave for his rounds, he couldn't get himself to move away from the bed. Taking a deep sigh he lifted himself from the chair taking one more look at Sam before he walk out the door, heading down the hallway he stop off at the Nurses Station to get some lab work he order. As he walked into the room of his patient who was having heart problems, he heard over the intercom code blue in ICU room 4 his blood ran cold. Running out of the room he grabbed his phone out of his pocket, calling Dean telling him to get back over to the hospital now.
Rushing back into Sam's room Jackson watch as Janet tried to get his patient heart rate back in rhythm, as he watch the monitor he saw the heart beats were slowing down to one beat per minute. He knew that Sam was going into cardiac arrest he took control of the situation, telling Janet to get five milligrams of Norepinephrine to get his blood pressure up. He wanted to see if the medicine would work before he got the paddles, seeing no change in his heart beat he asked her to get the defibrillator. As she ran out the door Sam flat lined just as Dean ran into the room, Jackson started to do CPR to keep his patient heart beating. When he heard movement he saw Janet bring in the item he needed, putting gel on the paddles he rubbed them together before placing it on Sam's chest. Telling everyone to clear having one paddle on his right then his left side, he shock the man's heart to get it beating again. He waited before he did another shock, then one more to see if he can get a beat, seeing none he back away from the bed. Glancing over at Dean he shook his head letting him know it's not working, he saw so many emotions crossing the older brother's features before he rushed to the bed. Watching him as he hit his brother's chest, then shaking him, hitting his chest again to get any kind of response. As he watch Dean crumble on his friends chest his heart broke to hear the sobs and words, he wanted to go over there to comfort his friend at the lost of his brother.
~~SPN~~
Took Jim a few seconds to understand what Sam had said about the scene he watch, taking a step back he was stun to hear what Sam has told him. Looking back at the water his heart broke for the older brother, they way he laid across Sam's chest, his shoulders shaking with the sobs, the death grip he had on his shirt. His heart felt heavy that Sam didn't see how much Dean really cares about him, how broken he is at the lost of his younger brother by his words. He felt a little anger at his friend for being so selfish thinking what's best for him, shaking that thought out of his mind he can't be like John Winchester. Sam has never been selfish like John always thought of him to be, yes he wanted a normal life, go to school, have friends, play sports, that's not being selfish that's being human. With that in mind he have to do something quick to get Sam to see the truth, seeing his friend walking away from the river he followed.
As they walked down the path in silence Sam was grateful for it his mind was swirling, what he saw on how Dean reacted to his death puzzle him greatly. Why would he act that way to someone he hated? Why would he try to get him to breath, when he said he wish he was never been born? Why cry over a brother he wishes he never had? All these questions Sam was going over in his mind at everything he just witness, with each question that he thought upon made his heart heavy with sadness. He couldn't go back to all that again it would kill him if he did, seeing the anger, mistrust, failure and mostly hate in Dean's eyes. That was something he can't put himself through anymore all that hurt he felt, it was consuming him like black hole leaving nothing but an empty shell behind.
Glancing over to his right he was wondering what Jim must be thinking of him right about now, was he being selfish for not wanting to go back, or was he angry at him for not going back to Dean. Sometimes it was hard to read the Pastor when he was quiet like this when something happen, he was good at hiding his feelings when a huge fight would come between the Winchesters. Once when he did start to talk even if anger wasn't in his voice, they could see the fire in his eyes knowing hell was about to come. Sam knew only a few times that he heard Jim yell in angry it was mostly at their father, for doing something stupid, careless and down right dangerous to the boys. What he saw now on his friend was none of that no anger or resentment, he was calm giving Sam the support and love he needs right now. Looking back on the path he saw some waterfalls to the right of the path, he stop to look at the beauty before him. Feeling more then seeing Jim stepping next to him as he look at the falls, walking a little further to the bridge he stop in the middle so he could see both of the falls.
Looking up to the top of the falls each one has two large boulders the water comes between; as the liquid pours over the cliff it's white like snow as it comes down. When the water is half way down the cliff face it's blue like sheets of ice, before it hits the rocks at the bottom where it's white waters. The gray color stone of the cliff side is speckle with white specks, with green bushes with assorted color flowers going down the stone. On top of the cliff have bushes are an emerald green with white brilliant flowers, unlike the ones on the bushes that are on the cliff side are duller in color. At the bottom of the falls the bushes and plants are a dull green, the color of the flowers dull reds, yellows, oranges and purples. Seeing both falls with the assortments of color with plants and water took Sam's breath away, to him they both look identical with the beauty of nature that is before him. Hearing the roaring of the water as it hit the bottom of the cavern was music to his ears, he has never heard of anything as beautiful as he is now. Feeling a hand on his shoulder brought him out of his state of mind he was in, looking over he saw Jim standing next to him with a soft smile on his face. Brought a smile to his own and a feeling of peace he never felt in a long time, this feeling he has now it's the one he always wanted. Now knowing where he wants to be at he was content to stay right here, he hasn't felt this peaceful in such a long time as he does now. Glancing over at his friend he was going to tell him where he wanted to be.
"Jim, being here has giving me so much peace I haven't felt in a long time, I want to stay here there's nothing for me back there."
"Samuel, how can you say that, there are people back there that care for you."
"Jim, Garth will find other hunters to hang out with on hunts, Castiel has his own brothers of Angels to keep him busy. Jackson has his own friends and patients to keep him busy and happy, there's no one that will miss when I stay here."
Jim could hear the ache in Sam's voice when he said "no one" knowing he meant Dean, he has never seen his friend this determine not to go back to his life. Dean has really hurt his brother deeper then Jim thought to have him be like this, Castiel was right when he said Sam wouldn't be fighting back no matter what he said. Saying a quiet prayer to the Angel for help he had to show Sam how important it is to go back, he knows Dean won't do good if Sam doesn't come back to him. Getting a sign from the Angel he knew what to do to prove to Sam, knowing it's a rotten way to do it by fooling his friend like this.
"Sam, the waterfalls before us represent souls who are at the crossroads of life and death, it shows the souls where they should be before making the final journey. One is the crossroad of life while the other is the crossroads of death, it show the soul how things will play out when it comes to the decision it makes. The one to your left is the crossroad to life it's going to show you how things will be, the right is the crossroad of death it will show you what will come when it ends. Are you ready to see your crossroads Samuel."
"Jim, I thought we went through this already-okay! I'll take the waterfall to the left boy you haven't change in the afterlife."
Hearing a soft chuckle put a smile on the young mans face, turning to the left waterfall he watch as a image of him and Dean came into view. Feeling a pain of hurt in his chest taking a deep breath he watch with fear in his heart, when Dean walks into the hotel room in a bad mood with him following behind him.
~~~SPN~~~
"I can't believe you pulled a stunt like that Sammy, you could have gotten yourself killed."
"What did you expect me to do Dean, the werewolf came out of the shadows so fast I had to react."
"You could have yelled out a warning letting me know it was behind me, I had time to shot it with a silver bullet in the heart. But no, you couldn't do that could you Sammy, you used yourself as bait."
"Dean, you wouldn't have time to take a shot it moved to fast from the woods, so yeah I used myself as bait to keep it away from you. Knowing you would kill it before it killed me."
"You are not the one who makes the calls on the hunts I am, if I tell you what's going on you listen to me. I took the lead into the clearing to draw out the werewolf, knowing that you will have my back yelling out a warning. Couldn't even listen to a damn thing I said had it all planned out, had it all under control Sam."
"That is the problem here Dean you didn't have it under control on the hunt, I told you where the killing were happening at in the clearing. Did you even listen to me no you didn't thinking you are always right, when you are not you turned around putting the blame on me. I saw the werewolf rushing out of the shadows coming in fast, didn't have time to yell out a warning had to do something to save your ass."
"I'm an adult now Dean you need to stop treating me like I'm twelve years old, I can handle myself on a hunt like it or not-"
Sam hiss in pain when he turned away from his brother's angry glare he was giving him, the pain took his breath away making the room spin in and out of focus. What stop him from face planting on the floor was the strong arms of his brother, leading him to the bed to have him sit so he can check him out. Trying to move his brother's hand away from his side so he can take a good look, seeing the scratch marks a pain of quilt stab his heart.
"Sammy, come sit down let me look at the wound, I said let me look, stop being a drama queen move your hand.
Sam let Dean check out the scratch marks on his left side rib cage, at the time it happen he thought he moved out of the way. On the walked back to the Impala after they salt and burn the creature, is when Sam felt the burning on his left side of his body. Moving his hand over the spot he couldn't stop the hiss from his throat, seeing Dean turning around with fire in his eyes he knew hell was coming. Leaning against the Impala to catch his breath he was feeling light headed, didn't even see Dean coming until he touch his wound. Flinching away he couldn't stop the groan or the world spinning, feeling warm hands on his face he realize he was sitting inside the Impala. When they reach the hotel his brother helped him out of the car, shaking his hands off of him he pushed Dean away causing the fight. Now he's sitting on the bed wanting his brother to help him with the wound, feeling like a five year old again he just wanted his brother.
Looking up at Dean as he took his coat off to look at the wound, he gave him watery puppy-dog eyes before he pass out on the bed. Waking a few hours later he hiss in pain as he tried to sit up in bed, only to have two strong warm hands leading him back down on the bed. Blinking the blurriness out of his sight he looked for his brother, seeing him sitting next to him on the bed with tired eyes. Wondering how long he's been out he tried to asked Dean the question, clearing his throat his mouth was dry as his throat. Seeing a glass of water he drank it greedily whimpering when Dean took it away, licking his lips he tried it again was surprise to hear how horse his voice was.
"How long?"
"It's been three days, Sammy, of you running a fever of 102, scared the crap out of me kiddo. If you didn't wake up today I was going to bring you to the ER."
"Three days-what happen."
"You got an infection from the claw marks of the werewolf, Garth knew a doctor who came and gave you some antibiotics and fluids. Had to reopen your wounds to clean the infection out, he sewed you back up, when he was done he gave me these pills for you to take now your awake."
"I didn't think you would wake up Sammy I can't loose you kiddo-please don't ever do that again scaring me like that. You are the only family I have left tiger, can't do this without you."
"Sorry Dean, didn't mean to scare you like this promise I didn't, had to protect you from the werewolf you are the only family I have felt. I can't do this without you Dean please don't asked me to not again, I can't-please don't-"
Sam couldn't stop the tears coming from his eyes, with him still being sick, exhausted and in pain it all added to his emotions. Feeling strong arms lifting him up against a strong warm chest holding him tight, letting all his emotions coming out through his tears soaking his brother's shirt.
"That is one thing I can't asked of you Sammy is to protect me that's my job to protect you, that is all I know how to do being the older brother it's my job. Love you Sammy won't ever be alone while I'm around."
"Love you too, Dean."
~~~SPN~~~
Jim watches as Sam listen to what he saw in the waterfall of him and Dean on a future hunt together, seeing a confused look on his friend he told him what this was about. Before he could say a word Sam spoke first.
"Jim, this hunt has never happen we've had many werewolves hunts not this one."
"Samuel, this hunt you have just saw is what you and Dean will be doing in the future, this fall shows the souls what will happen in their lives when the go back. Both of you will go hunt this werewolf were you get hurt protecting Dean, of course your brother will be piss when you used yourself as bait."
"Why would Dean need me on a hunt he has Benny as a partner and brother?"
"Samuel, as you can see Dean pick you as his partner and brother not Benny, doesn't look at me like that young man I have never lied to you."
Jim could see that Sam wasn't buying on what he just saw of him and Dean, he can't blame his friend thinking he was lying to him. Dean must have really hurt Sam deep for him to second quest him, not taking it defensive he did feel a little hurt by it.
Sam felt bad for putting that look in Jim's eyes when he gave him that look, it's not that he thinks Jim is lying it's that Dean wants him as a brother again.
"Jim, I'm not calling you a liar I'm sorry you took it that way, it's that-Dean had said it so many times we are not brother's. He can't trust me anymore for all the things I have done to him, Benny not once let Dean down, lied to him, always had his back. He shoves it in my face everyday to make his new brother better then me, tell me why should I go back to all the hurt, pain and heart ache. Tell me why I should Jim?"
"Samuel, the only way I can show you why you need to go back to your brother, look at the left waterfall it will show you what will happen if you didn't go back. I need to warn you this won't be easy to watch Sam, what you will see it will happen."
~~~SPN~~~
Read at your own risk the next paragraphs will contain self harm and suicide, if this triggers any bad memories please skip this.
Jackson walked up to Sam's bed laying his hand on Dean's shoulder to comfort the older brother, he knows from experience the lost of a sibling how strong it is. He stood there letting his friend know he's not alone right now, hearing Dean's cries for Sam tore at his heart shredding it into pieces. Looking over he motion for the nurses to leave the room quietly, watching as them do as he asked he turned back to his friend. Taking a deep breath getting the lump out of his throat he needed to let Dean know he's not alone.
"Dean-I-I'm sorry I tried to get Sam to fight-wish I could have done more."
"Jackson it-it wasn't your f-fault it's mine-I pushed him away by my words-kept hurting him making him think I hated him. Oh god he died thinking I hate him-I-I don't Jackson don't hate him-now-now I -don't know what to do, how am I suppose to go on without Sammy."
"I-I can't do this alone-don't want to do this alone-lost my brother-lost my baby brother-what the hell have I done." Dean turned to Jackson with teary eyes that turned to anger, deep hatred angry eyes that took the doctors breath away. "It's my fault that I lost Sam for my stupidity couldn't let it go, now-now I don't have a brother anymore couldn't let it go. How am I suppose to live with myself knowing I'm the one who killed Sammy, wasn't those bastard hunters or Vampires it was ME! I'm the one who killed him-"
Dean stop his angry rant when it sunk in on what he just told Jackson, shaking his head he couldn't stop the words repeating in his mind. 'you killed your own brother, you killed your own brother' Jumping up from the bed Dean started to pace the floor, repeating the same words in a whisper over and over again. Pressing his hands on his head trying to block them from his mind, only to have them keep repeating. Stopping he looked around the room as if he was trying to escape, eyes moving fast around the room until he found what he was looking for. Seeing it laying on the table next to Sam's bed he stood still for just a second, next thing he knew he's fighting with Jackson who's trying to take the scissors out of his hands.
Jackson kept a close eye on Dean as he pace the floor like a cage tiger, knowing that right now his friend is not in the right mind. Hearing whispers he listen carefully to what he was saying to himself, it brought tears to his eyes once when he realize the words were being said. He wanted to go over to calm him down before he hurt himself, once when he saw the lost, sad, alone look in his eyes he stayed were he was. He'll let his friend wear himself out first before he step in to calm him, what scared Jackson is when he stop eyes fix on the table by the bed. Seeing the scissors he knew what was about to happen, he had to stop it before Dean got to the table. Before he could even move a foot Dean was already there holding it to his wrist, seeing blood pooling as the blade cut across his skin he jump into action. Rushing over he tried to pulled them out of his hand before he's done more damage, Dean was stronger with determination to finish the job before he was stop.
"Dean, stop don't do this, please stop cutting yourself, it's not worth it Dean believe me it's not. Is this what Sam would want you to do, kill yourself, like this committing suicide this isn't you. Dean look at me damn it I said look at me! That's it stop cutting yourself, give me this scissors."
Jackson waited with baited breath for his friend to do as he asked of him, not liking the blank far away look in his eyes. Carefully he lifted the object away from the man's skin hissing at what he saw, three deep cuts with blood pouring out. Grabbing some gauze he started to wrapped it tightly around his wrist, tying it off to stay securely on until he clean and sewed the cuts up. Grabbing a clothe from the table he walked over to the sink wetting it,stepping back to his friend he wipe the blood off the floor throwing it away. Taking his hand he slowly and carefully laid it on his shoulder as not to spook him, seeing the flinch he watch as Dean came around from the shock he was in. Seeing the tears weld up in his eyes, the small shake of his head, Dean back away from him. Before Jackson knew what was happening the older brother ran out of the door, cursing at himself he follow him out the door as fast as he could.
Dean wasn't aware of anything when Jackson fought him for the scissors to stop him; there was one thing on his mind he had to be with Sammy. Glancing up at his friend with blurry eyes he shook his head slowly before he ran out of the room, he didn't stop until he reach the Impala popping open the truck he grabbed his colt. Hearing his friend calling to him he turned to see Jackson running up to him, knowing what he was about to do Dean ran towards the far end of the building. As he turned around the corner he saw a cluster of trees, running towards them he stop once when he entered the tree line. As he turned he saw Jackson entering right behind him with his hands up in front of him, he can't let his friend talk him out what he was about to do. Holding the gun to his head he looked him straight in the eyes, seeing the horror on Jackson face didn't deter Dean from what he was going to do. Stepping away from his friend he had to let him know it's okay, he's ready to go be with Sammy.
"Jackson, don't try to stop me I can't go on anymore, Sammy died because of my words and actions how can I live with myself. He thinks I hated him when he left us behind that broke me, please leave don't want you to see this my friend."
"Dean I know how you are feeling-please hear me out I do know what you are feeling, Jefferson and I had a huge fight that broke us apart. I thought he hated me too when we separated with each other, I loved him no matter how angry we were it was over something stupid. We got back together when something bad happen to me, glad we made up when we did a few years later he was killed. I know that feeling of lost, heartache and fear, I have been through it I'm hear today cause I know that is what Jefferson would have wanted."
"Jackson this isn't the same thing as you and Jeff, I ran Sammy off with my words getting him tortured by those bastards. I killed my own brother how can I live with that, sorry Jackson it has to be this way."
Jackson went to move on Dean when the gun went off, blood and brain matter splatter over his face, coat, shirt and pants. Watching in shock as Dean fell to the ground in a heap with his eyes open, watching them clouding over as the life went out of him all over the ground.
Ends here!
~~~SPN~~~
Sam stood in shock at what he just saw in the water his brother taking his life, all different kinds of emotions ran through his head. Turning to Jim who was still looking at the water of Dean lying on the ground dead, he has tears in his eyes over the lost of his close friend. Glancing back at the water thinking if he look again Dean would be alive, he was still laying on the ground with no life in him. Feeling wetness on his face he wipe with his hands is when he notice he was crying, his own brother committed suicide over the guilt he felt about Sam. Finding his voice he had to find out if this is the truth or not, deep down he knew the answer already.
"Jim, is this what we just saw going to happen to Dean if I don't go back."
"Samuel follow your own heart son, what is it telling you."
Feeling the need to get back to his brother Sam ran off the bridge, heading back in the direction he came from. He had to get back to Dean before he kills himself from the guilt, even though Sam still have mix feelings on what just happen.
"Castiel, that wasn't the whole truth was it."
"Pastor Jim had to nudge Sam in the right direction, we both know what would happen if Sam didn't go back."
Shaking his head yes saying his goodbyes Jim headed down the trial in the opposite direction, Castiel watch as the Pastor walked out of sight before going back to Garth.
~~~SPN~~~
Dean wasn't sure how long he laid next to his dead brother crying for him to come back, lifting himself up guilt over welled him like a huge title wave hitting the shores. The deep hate he had for himself drown him like he was under water, he couldn't get any air in his lungs that starve for it. Looking back at his brother he knew what he had to do, getting off the bed is when he realizes it was him and Jackson left in the room. As he walked past his friend he couldn't make eye contact with him, knowing if he did would give away his plan he was about to do. Feeling a strong hand on his arm he knew his gig was up, turning towards Jackson he sadness along with tears in his eyes. Trying to get the hand off of him it had to do what he's planning, the grip was strong on him grounded him to the here and now. Like a huge hurricane going through him he rip his arm away from the man, turning towards to door just as his hand touch the handle he heard a sound behind him. Stopping him from opening the door he glances over his shoulder, he had to make sure he wasn't hearing things like a heart beat. Looking at the flat line he knew it was just his imagination playing with him, as he turned to open the door he heard it again along with another. Feeling his heart stop in his chest he dare to look one more time, what he saw brought him to his knees with tears of joy.
TBC
