Accepting Chaos

Chapter Eleven

Madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it needs is a little push.

~Joker, The Dark Knight

She hated that he had to ask about her last two weeks but it was Jonathan, direct and honest Jonathan. Alice answered as best she could and hoped he wouldn't dwell too long on the first part of her sentence, about her being in a fog. She hadn't lied when she told him she had been lost. Her mother's passing still affected her as it was the same day the doctors had found her tumor. Her years of battling cancer had worn away at her and now having to cope with both feelings of grief for her father and an unexplainable attraction for the man before her, her mind was cracking.

"Fog" wasn't exactly the right word for what she had been experiencing, at least she didn't think so. It was hard to confirm black out periods when she was spending most of her time alone. She wondered if it had something to do with the chemicals that she and Jonathan were playing around with or if it was just everything that had happened to her in the last five years. The mind could only take so much and she wondered how much more hers could take before it shattered. Unless it already had and it was just waiting for a catalyst. Little did she know, within thirty minutes she was given that push.

Jonathan kissed her and something changed inside of her. It was as if someone had pulled a blind closed, throwing her into darkness, shoving her towards the back of her own mind. She was aware of her climbing onto him, the feel of the fabric of his shirt bunched up in her hands. And his lips...she struggled mentally to rise above the blackness that surrounded her mind. She wanted a vivid memory of this first kiss between them. This moment was theirs, no one else's, including whatever part of her mind may have split off from the rest of her.

A jarring sensation snapped her back into reality and it took her a moment to assess the situation. She was back on the couch, pressed into the throw pillows with an equally surprised Jonathan on top of her. She still had his shirt in her white knuckled hands and her lips tingled from the kiss that she had missed experiencing.

"Alice, stop."

She wanted to scream but she bit her bottom lip to keep it inside. It wasn't fair and she felt tears sting the back of her eyes. "You've never treated me like a child, don't start now." Anything, she would say or do anything to feel his lips again, even if it meant guilt tripping him into another kiss.

He fumbled with her hands, trying to yank his shirt out of her grip. "This has nothing to do-"

"Then kiss me again." She was shamelessly begging now, something that she was surprised he allowed her to do without a reprimand. But the look on his face was exasperation and something that hovered over the line of pain and desire.

A sigh escaped him and he looked away from her. "Alice."

"Look, whatever you were testing, it worked. You were able to control yourself." The words flew out of her mouth and she was well aware of how out of control she was. The heady feeling of him that close to her was getting to be too much, added to the fact that she felt emotionally robbed, her control over her actions and emotions slipping.

"At that moment, yes." He was finally successful at breaking her hold on his now wrinkled dress shirt.

She felt the fight go out of her suddenly and with bitter defeat as he pulled away from her, settling himself on the other side of the couch. She felt like she reverted back to a three year old and wanted nothing more than to throw a temper tantrum. She took a couple deep breaths and tried to steady her haywire emotions and fuzzy mind. Slowly, she sat up and settled herself against him, hoping he would allow her that. She breathed a sigh of relief when she felt his arm around her.

"I don't want to hurt you." He said it so quietly, as if it was some kind of sinful confession.

"I know," she responded and let her head drop on his shoulder, his collarbone digging into her temple. "I just don't to go another two weeks without seeing you again. It was unbearable." And that was putting it lightly. She felt his nose brush the top of her head, a sense of calm fully flooding her. He wasn't angry with her for a serious lack of control before.

"It was not exactly pleasant for me either," he murmured against her hair.

Alice stayed where she was, content with the closeness between them, the mutual understanding that they always found in one another. She wasn't sure if he was aware of his hand tracing small designs along her bare arm but she wasn't about to bring his attention to it. It was slowly lulling her to sleep.

"Jonathan?"

"Hm?" He sounded almost asleep himself.

"I love you." It was the first time that she had uttered the words directly to him. She knew he didn't believe in the emotion but it wouldn't stop her from saying the age old sentiment. She could feel his pulse pick up speed and she opened her mouth to tell him that she didn't expect him to answer her declaration when a sharp knock startled them both. Alice sat up, putting space between her and Jonathan. She had a good idea who it was at the door. "Oh no."

Jonathan turned towards her, his mouth open to ask her who it was, when the answer came from the person himself.

"Jon, it's Kevin. I can't find Alice."

Alice stood up and started for the door when Jonathan jumped up and grabbed her arm.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Open the door."

A sharp laugh escaped him. "He'll skin me alive seeing you here at this hour."

"What do you want me to do? Hide in the closet? That'll be the first place he'll look."

Kevin pounded on the door again. "Jon? I know Alice is in there."

Alice tugged her arm free from Jonathan's grip. "Trust me, he's angry at me, not you."

Jonathan's jaw tensed slightly but he looked resigned as he put his glasses back on and ran his fingers through his hair before opening the door. Alice stood behind him, waiting for Kevin to notice her there.

"Jon, I'm so sorry to show up this late," his eyes roamed the inside of the apartment before coming to rest on Alice. "There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you."

Alice felt a slight fluttering in her mind, like that mental shade was trying to be tugged down again but it only managed to close half way. It was enough to cause a surge of defiance to rise to the surface. "I got tired of being by myself."

"Al," Kevin's shoulders slumped tiredly as he came into the apartment and Jonathan closed the door. "That doesn't give you the right to scare the shit out of me!"

"You weren't even suppose to be home until later. And I would have been home, safe and sound by then."

Kevin took a step back and gave Jonathan a curious look. "Has she been coming over here often?"

"This is the first time that I have seen her for two weeks."

Alice was trying to shake off the odd feeling of the darkness creeping around the edges of her mind when Kevin spoke.

"Has she told you what's been going these last couple weeks?"

The cool mask that Jonathan had been sporting cracked slightly to reveal concern. "Not any particulars. Why?"

Alice wondered how Kevin could know of her mental struggles, he was hardly at home anymore. She chalked it up to his not wanting to be reminded that Mom and Dad were never coming back. Meanwhile, she lived in the deathly silent house, given over to her quickly fading sanity. If Kevin was aware of her black out periods, she silently begged him to keep quiet. He didn't listen.

"She's been having these times when she just zones out," Kevin admitted with a tinge of fear in his voice. "Then, when she says something it doesn't even sound like her. I was going to call you tonight anyway to see if you-"

But Jonathan wasn't listening anymore. Alice watched with growing alarm as he crossed the space between them, his face no longer blank was thunderous. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"

Alice stammered but no words formed. Something seemed to click in Jonathan's mind.

"You said you felt you were walking around in a fog for the last two weeks. Was that suppose to my clue into what was really going on? Are you having black out periods, Alice?"

She had retreated to the other side of the room, the edge of the dining table pressing painfully into her back. Jonathan looked livid and Kevin, who was standing next to him, had paled several shades causing his freckles to stand out even more. She could feel her limbs shaking, emotions crashing over her head and pulling her down. It was getting to be too much.

"Answer me, Alice," Jonathan asked with quiet demand.

Alice closed her eyes slowly. She was tired of fighting and always having to defend herself. If he wanted an answer, she would give it to him. No, not her but the other one. Instead of the blind being dropped in front of her, Alice purposefully pulled the curtain down and stepped willingly into the darkness.


Jonathan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Alice was having black outs now? His mind frantically pulled all the drug ingredients together but he couldn't find one particular one that would bring on black outs though. But that was a problem to be dealt with another day. He wondered if he had seen any manifestation tonight and the only possibility was her reaction to the kiss. Absently, he smoothed the front of his shirt, his fingers grazing over the wrinkles that were still left from her desperate hold. He had to bring that person out again to see what they were dealing with but he wasn't prepared to kiss her in front of her brother. He would have to use another tactic. Anger might work.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?"

He advanced on her, forcing her to back up to keep distance between them. She was mumbling, trying to come up with a defense but before she could, his mind recalled something she had said, something he should have picked up on himself.

"You said you felt you were walking around in a fog for the last two weeks. Was that suppose to my clue into what was really going on? Are you having black out periods, Alice?"

She was against the table now, no place to run. Just one more push...

"Answer me, Alice." He knew she didn't like to be told to do something and with Kevin standing behind him, they had her effectively backed into a corner. He watched with slight fascination but mostly uncomfortable realization as she closed her eyes and an incredible transformation came over her sharp featured face. The lines grew harder, more taunt and her lips curved in a cold, twisted grin. When her eyes opened, they had turned to cold chips of emerald. Suddenly, she wasn't Alice anymore.

"I much preferred the other way you asked me to come out and play, Doctor."

"See what I mean?" Kevin whispered. "That's so not Alice."

"That is because it isn't Alice," Jonathan responded shortly before fixing a cold gaze on the interloper. "Who are you?"

She shrugged, but not elegantly like Alice usually did, it was jerky and sudden. "New, new. No name yet." She sidled up to Jonathan, an uncharacteristic leer on her face. "Perhaps you could name me."

Before she got too close, Jonathan reached out and held her at arm's length. "Where is Alice?"

She pouted. "Taking a break from all the hurt."

"Hurt?" Kevin asked. "What hurt?"

"Mommy and Daddy gone, cancer eating away at her for so long," she fixed Jonathan with an accusatory stare, "you."

Jonathan swallowed forcefully and he could feel Kevin's eyes on him. "How have I hurt her?"

"Always playing the good doctor," she licked her lips and gave him a wink.

Let me play with this one.

Jonathan's grip tightened on Alice's bare arms. With Kevin standing next to him, he didn't want to hand over control to Scarecrow, even if it meant bringing Alice back. He would have do this by the book and with that firm decision, Scarecrow went grumbling back into the recesses of his mind. "I want Alice back, now."

She narrowed her eyes slightly and "tsk"ed him. "You're so much more polite with her. Fine but we'll see each other again."


She felt like she was waking up from a very deep sleep. Alice blinked her eyes slowly and pressed a hand against her pounding head.

"Alice?"

She looked over to her left and saw Jonathan sitting in a chair next to the bed. She looked around the room and realized it was her bedroom. The last thing she could remember was being at his apartment. "What-"

"It's fine," he laid a hand on her arm and she laid back down on the bed. "Kevin and I brought you home early this morning. How do you feel?"

How did she feel? Her head pounded, she was weak and could still feel the sickly sheen of sweat from the night before. But only one word kept coming into her mind. "Confused."

His long fingers closed around her wrist and she realized he was taking her pulse. "What do you remember last?"

She closed her eyes and tried to recall her last memory. She had wandered around the house, did a load a laundry, made something to eat for her and Kevin before he left for work then she watched TV until she couldn't take the loneliness anymore and went to Jonathan's late at night. "I went to your place."

"Do you remember why?"

"I missed you."

"Do you remember anything else?"

She pressed her memory again and felt an embarrassed heat rise to her face. "You kissed me but..." she paused and took a deep breath, "it wasn't me."

His jaw tensed. "Who was it?"

Alice laid back against the pillows. "I don't know." She waited a couple seconds. "Does your alter ego have a name?"

Jonathan released a tired sigh. "This is my fault."

She fixed him with a steady gaze but he refused to meet her eyes. "My own mind did this to me, Jonathan, not you. The events in my life coupled with my psyche created this...personality."

He finally lifted his eyes to her and they looked like they were on fire. "She said that I was hurting you."

Alice sat up in her bed, her headache was starting to dissipate. "You're not hurting me."

"Of course you don't see it that way."

Despite his angry tone, Alice could see the pain in his face. "So how do you think you're hurting me?"

He pushed his glasses up his nose. "Do you think it is just coincidence that now you develop an alternate personality around the same time I have?"

Alice knew where his train of thought was going. He was going to separate himself from her. "I don't think it's a coincidence, I think it's fate."

His eyebrows raised. "Fate?"

"Yes, fate. Perhaps we've always had this underlying personality inside of us and that is the basis of the draw we hold for each other." She smiled and laced her fingers with his. "A true attraction of the minds."

His eyes fixed on their entwined hands. "Chaotic minds."

"Chaos can be organized, Jonathan."

"Or," he raised his eyes to her, "it can just be accepted."

"Accepting chaos. I like that idea." Her smile faded. "Please, don't leave me."

He sighed heavily and took off his glasses, sliding them into his shirt pocket before moving to sit next to her on the bed. "I could never leave you. Not now."

"Now that there's more of me to love?" she joked.

"This isn't funny, Alice."

She sobered immediately. "I know but if I don't joke about it, I'll end up crying."

He put his arm around her and kissed her temple. "This is a very bad idea. I should admit us both to the mental institution or at least get my hands on some medication. But doctors would start asking questions..."

"And we would have to tell them about our project with the anti-fear drug."

"I've come too far with it's development now."

"Then we'll just have to learn to control our other selves. We can do that, can't we?"

Jonathan rubbed the side of his face. "We can try. Perhaps we can control it enough to see the project through and go from there."

Alice used her free hand and turned Jonathan's head towards her. "There is another matter that needs to be attended to." Without waiting for him to figure out what she was about to do, Alice leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. She wanted her own memory of their first kiss.

It was absolutely intoxicating, feeling everything first hand this time. His lips, his hands, his smell. She must have taken him off guard because she could feel the normally well hidden passion he had for her come through in his ardent touches. His lips never left hers and she was surprised when she felt the mattress against her back and Jonathan's warm weight pressing down on her. But as soon as the surprise registered, he pulled away from her and kissed her forehead before sitting up. Even in the dim lighting of the room, she could see the flush to his cheeks and the over brightness in his eyes.

"Get some rest."

She laughed shortly, her hands still being held by his. "That's not likely now."

He smiled and brought her hands up to his lips before releasing them. "Try."

"You're not leaving, are you?"

"I'll be back to have dinner with you and Kevin," he stood up from the bed and replaced his glasses on his face. "Rest. Kevin's very worried and will need some convincing that you're well enough to carry on with normal life."

Alice realized he was right and nodded. He smiled and quietly left the room, shutting the door. She stared at the ceiling for a long time, wondering about this other personality inside of her mind. Something was telling her to put a name to it but she wasn't sure if that was wise. She laid a hand over her lips, still buzzing from the passion filled kisses and recalled what Jonathan had said about accepting the chaos of their minds.

Perhaps that should be her name given the fact that Alice decided on accepting her as part of who she was: Chaos.