I ran into my room and changed out of the unitard. I threw it aside and put on the first clothes I found in the closet. I walked into the bathroom and violently scrubbed all the makeup off my face. I yanked a comb through my styled hair until finally I felt raw and normal.
Then, I sat on the ground and tried not to cry.
"Ivy?" Haymitch was at the door.
"Come in," I said, knowing it was useless to try and push him away. All I was doing was staring out my window anyways. A conversation with one of the drunkest men alive might cheer me up.
"I know," he muttered. I turned and saw him completely sober. I sighed.
"Know what?"
"That you love him," he said gently.
I turned to face my window again. A tear. That was all. One tear ran down my cheek because of Peeta. One tear because he would never love me. One tear because he probably knew I loved him and wanted to break my heart. One tear because I was going to die in the Games.
"Why am I so stupid?" I yelled, everything overwhelming me.
"You're not. You are a little girl who wants to love someone. And Peeta. Well, let's just say you pick good," Haymitch said with a smile, trying to lighten my mood.
I laughed, Peeta does seem like a good catch. If he wasn't so mean to himself.
"But why does he underestimate himself? Why does he act like I'm superior to him?" I asked Haymitch.
"Maybe he is intimidated," Haymitch said with a shrug.
"Why?"
"Because you are beautiful, it's no surprise for you to hear either, everyone knows it. You look dangerous. You have spirit, fight..."
"I like you better when you're drunk," I interrupted. He laughed.
"All in all, I know Peeta will come around. Maybe not as you want."
"I want to be trained alone."
"Why?" he asked. I stared at him, and I knew he knew what I was thinking.
"You know why."
"After the training day with the Gamemakers. Trust me, if you are going to do this. You have to do it right," he warned.
"I know what I'm doing," I said confidently.
"I hope you do."
I was walking down the hall. Because Haymitch said Effie was sad when I left without saying good night.
I was about to apologize when Peeta stepped in front of me. I tried to walk around him. Haymitch's warning rang in my ears. Peeta stopped me.
"Peeta, please..."
"I need answers," he interrupted. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up a couple flights of stairs. I tried not to show my childish delight that he was holding my hand again, but I knew that Peeta wouldn't even see it anyways.
He took me to a roof that had a beautiful garden. There was no fence around the edge. I could fling myself off right now and not have to participate in the Games at all. Was the Capitol not worried at all about suicide?
"Can't I just jump off and die before the Games?" I asked him.
"It is all electrified. You would be thrown right back in," he said.
He still had a look of determination on his face. I knew what he wanted, and I shouldn't try and delay it any longer.
"Okay. Out with it," I told him.
"How do you know the Avox? We both know that she looks nothing like Delly," he said accusingly.
I looked around. I would tell him, but not where anyone could hear. I saw a tiny circular area with millions of chimes surrounding a patch of fake grass.
I went there, and Peeta followed me. I rang all the chimes, then sat on the ground, messing with my hands in my lap. Peeta sat right next to me.
"It was the day Madge died. She had just taken her last breath, so I went running through the forest. I accidentally ran into Gale and Katniss, hiding behind a rock. But they didn't see me. So I hid. I saw what they were hiding from, a Capitol hovercraft, chasing after a young girl and a young boy," I said with my eyes closed remembering the whole moment perfectly.
"You don't have to say the res..."
I interrupted him, "The girl stopped when she saw it was hopeless. But she looked right at me, right at me. I saw her, pleading for my help. But I was in shock, from them and from Madge, so all I did was sit and watch. The boy got speared and died. She got hauled up in a net. I never saw her again. Until today, at dinner," I sobbed. I looked at him. "It's all my fault she is like that. It's all my fault her brother died. It's all my fault that she could get hurt for me talking to her tonight! It's my fault she's even here!"
"Nothing is your fault!" Peeta said. He lifted my chin, sending a surge of unnatural electricity through my veins. I wiped a tear from my face, still looking at him. He didn't understand.
"Peeta, don't you see! Everything that happens is my fault! Why?" I asked.
"Ivy, nothing is your fault! Why do you even think that?" he asked.
"Well...it is just that..." I muttered. I didn't know what to say. And he knew that I didn't.
"And what about tonight? Why did you lash out at me like that?" he asked. I glared at him.
"You are so annoying!"
"What?" he asked. He was amused at my outburst.
"You don't believe in yourself, and you think I'm better than you. News flash, I'm not going to win!" I yelled.
"Yeah, you are. I would bet on you, never me," he said. I was about strangle him at this point.
"Ugh! You always do that! You undermine yourself just to get my sympathy! Well, it doesn't work anymore, because I don't care!" I yelled running away from him. I was crying, because he was still laughing to himself.
How was my plan supposed to work if he couldn't take me seriously?
"Ivy! Come back!" he yelled. He must've just realized I was serious.
But it was too late. I was gone. I ran all the way to my room, just to see the Avox girl cleaning my room. Picking up the outfit that I had thrown aside from the opening ceremonies.
I got under my covers and cried. I knew she would enjoy watching me die.
