Disclaimer: No, the series nor the characters belong to me... Of course, that doesn't mean I can't borrow them, poke them for a little while, and give them some peppermint patties before they go nite nite... and man.. does that feel GOOD! n-n
Title: A Troubled Ran's Account
Summary: Problems were still existent, even after the dismantlement of the organization.
I cannot remember the exact moment when it all began. It could've been that winter-day in January, when Shinichi and I had gone to Tropical Land. Perhaps when Conan-kun arrived, or when newspapers poured in with the fall of a strange syndicate, or maybe when Conan had left and Shinichi finally returned. Somewhere along those dates (which extend for a period of five months), did a page in my life seem to turn. Days, from once having been dull, and long, and interminable, transformed into a hectic time of 24 hours, in which I had no idea of what could occur, nor how the evening would close down upon me. If my thoughts had consumed me once, did they, along with my feelings, ever begin to devour me from day to night.
I preferably liked to cast the blame on Shinchi's renewed presence, and with far good motive too! But I will not force you into any opinions, though merely allow you to make your own conclusions. And for this to happen, I must conclude the first part of my introduction, and move on to the strange days that succeeded Shinichi's return. Part of them are my continued introduction; the last is my story.
In the month of June, Shinichi had returned during the last minutes of twilight (to my home, that is), and had somehow managed to wake me up through screaming from the apartment's door. How he managed, I've no clue, for once a pick-up truck crashed below our house, caused a mini-earthquake on our building, and my dream had never stopped a bit. But anyway, I had woken up and opened the door for him, and I gasped and almost cried from seeing him. His face was covered in sweat and dirt, a few specks of blood mixed in as well, and his clothes were ragged. He was tired and as worn as his garments, but he still had the most beautiful smile I could ever remember, and I still remember the sweetness of it today; how it had given me pretty butterflies in my stomach then, and continues to make me flutter now. I let him in, and I attended him a little despite his light protests. It was merely a moist towel to rid his face of the dirt though, and a large glass of water for him to drink. I stood watching him while he drank, and his eyes closed tiredly as he emptied the glass, and thanked me before laying it on a nearby table.
I asked him if he wanted to rest after commenting that he looked tired, but he refused and was so determined with his decision, that I didn't persist. Almost immediately, he slowly began to recount what had just occurred to him. That he was involved in a case which involved the CIA and FBI, that the objective was a criminal organization's fall, that he'd been involved in capturing them ever since. He even went to the lengths of describing the biographies of this syndicate's main members, and even the roots of this strange organization, which had begun in the island of Kyushu with an international alliance to the United States, and he went on. It's needless to say that he included the names of his "co-workers," the assistance of friends (including the top scientist once member of such organization), and the motives behind his involvement in such a top-rate case. This last left me wide-eyed, since he explained it all had started on that day I so repudiated, for it being my last to really be with him. He had been knocked and poisoned, left to die in the corners of an alley, though nearly miraculously, he had managed to survive. Though in the body of a child instead of his own.
He had stopped a bit to allow the information to sink in me, and later continued in explaining all that he had done as Conan. I could just listen, but not speak, and shivered at the many misfortunes that he had endured for so long. I could not imagine, not even after having him tell me so clearly what had happened, I could never imagine the solitude that he underwent. If I felt like crying before, I felt like sobbing then, but I opted to listen attentively to his words and experiences. He seemed to need it, to speak out what had been locked as a tight secret before, and he was genuinely relieved to let me know. I was happy as well, once he had finished that segment of his tale, that (though I didn't really do anything) I'd helped to relieve his stress, just by being there for him then. It was reassuring to know that he still confided in me, even after so long of not directly speaking to each other.
I was thoroughly pleased and joyful of his return, as well as his candid opening of Pandora's box, though as minutes ticked by, I could not help the tinge of discontentment that was growing inside of me. It was a mixture of light anger, and fear, and hurt.
Because yes, it was true he was confessing right now. When everything was done and over with. But I thought I knew then, with growing and slowly burning anger, that when push came to shove, Shinichi did not trust me. In the moment of truth, when he really was Conan, and he really was fighting this syndicate, he had preferred not to tell me anything, because he didn't think I could share a secret with him, or that I wasn't capable of being helpful. I cannot even begin to describe how indignant, and insulted, and mistrusted, and heartbroken I felt at that moment, because I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that I could have been helpful! I knew I would've walked to the ends of the world for him, and gone through hell and back if he wished me to. Just didn't he know how I favored him?
Didn't he know how I loved him?
And that's when my heart froze. Yes—he did know I loved him. He knew better than anyone else in the world, that I loved him madly, because I, stupid idiot that I was, told him myself.
And so we stood there, a meter merely between us, and I felt my tears boiling and burning like acid in my eyes. He had lied to me for months, he hadn't gifted me with his trust, he didn't see me as a real friend, he didn't even see me as something else. He just talked about how Heiji had helped him so much (and God knows how I love Hattori-kun, and please forgive me), but I really did not want to hear about him, nor any of the FBI, nor the police. Maybe I was being selfish (actually, I was definitely being selfish), but I wanted to hear a response. I had confessed that I loved him, but… did he love me?
And maybe he forgot, in the spur of the moment, or in his tiredness, or in between his life-changing experiences, to tell me about his emotions. To really tell me his feelings, and his thoughts, and I just stood there. Wanting to cry. Because I waited for what seemed to me to be centuries' worth of pain (it had actually been two minutes or three), waited for any signal and received none. He smiled tiredly and just talked.
And for the first time in my life, I didn't want to hear.
My heart was too broken to act reasonably; I felt far too hurt. At that moment, it seemed everything was going amiss too, because instead of hearing him speak he loved me, he talked about how much Ai-chan had helped, and been so brave. He spoke very candidly, and was very easy-going on the matter; there was no reason for me to be upset, but at that moment, when I felt so overwhelmed, even the innocent mentioning of a female friend was enough to shatter the boiling-mad pieces of my heart. Even those shards of feelings, after undergoing their destruction, seemed to experience pangs of pain and freezing cold, from the utter hurt that I was feeling. I can't say I was even jealous of hearing him speak of her. No way, I had already passed that stage, and just felt heartbroken beyond belief.
I had to wonder, did he even know what was happening inside of me?
No—not a way he did, nor ever would. Not on his own, at least.
And in the midst of distress, and anger, and hurt, and displeasure of my own imagination, and my own feelings, I committed a very unfair and unfortunate act. I took decisions upon my thoughts and feelings, and not the facts. Truth be told, I was far more hurt than angry, or anything else for that matter, simply because Shinichi had not trusted me, and if he didn't, nor of course, would he ever love me. This hypothesis, naturally, didn't cheer me up one bit; but more like sank me within the muddy rivers of despair. It's almost comical, how my ultimate hopes of romance for us were destroyed in just a few, miserly minutes.
"Strange, how the human mind works," he always says.
But no—we were both living that nightmare, we were both losing each other. It wasn't funny at all. To say, that at that moment I felt ill, and completely heartbroken, as well as rejected...
It was a pretty big understatement.
"Ran, are you okay?—Are, are you crying?" He had asked with worry, and suddenly standing up from the couch. I told him I was fine, and brushed the sleeve of my pajamas on my eyes, as I turned my back to him. "Ran, what's wrong?" He asked again, but what I considered to be his cluelessness, broke my heart even more. Didn't he have any vague idea? "I told you, I'm fine!" And I turned to him; though I could not speak my most crucial fears. Not yet. "But you tell me now, Shinichi, how come some girl whom you've known for a couple of months, suddenly gets more trust than I ever will?"
"What?" He gaped at me in astonishment.
"You know what I said! You've known Ai-chan for what? Four months? And I've known you for almost my entire life, and yet I'm the last one on the planet to ever find out the truth!"
"Ran! Ran, I didn't tell you anything because I wanted to prote-"
"No, Shinichi!" But I wasn't willing to listen. "Months passed by, and you kept everything from me! You and her! I bet you must've had pretty good laughs at watching me worry so much over you!"
"That's not true!"
"I want you to leave." I told him as bluntly as I could, but I could almost hear the remaining shards of my heart, shatter even further from speaking like that to him. To him! "If she's so much better than I am, why don't you just go to her, Shinichi." And then I opened wide the door and stared at the ground, though in reality, I just didn't want him to see my tears. I discerned him stand there, not saying a word but just remaining static in his place, and after what seemed to be a slow and heart-wrenching eternity, he languidly walked past me and out the open door. I looked at him (more like squinted through the hot tears), and saw him gazing at me almost speechlessly.
"R-Ran, I swear... I never-"
"I-I just need time to think," I tried to whisper back, but my voice broke in my attempt to talk. I began to close the door and saw that he wasn't willing to walk down the stairs, but just stood there, looking at me sadly. I closed the door despite the fact I felt like hugging the life out of him, both for my pleasure and to rid him of that terrible expression. The door thudded cruelly, and I shut my eyes tightly, rubbing the bridge of my nose to stop the horrible tears that were rolling down my cheeks by now. My throat felt boiling hot, and tight, and I felt awfully guilty.
'I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, Kami, what's wrong with me?' I kept telling myself then, clasping my mouth to prevent any sobs from waking my dad up. But that was when I heard a soft "Good night…" through the other side of the door, sad yet sweet, and my eyes widened as tears streamed uncontrollably, and the sound of his steps began to resound down the long stairs. I remained with my back against the door, incapable of movement, wide-eyed and crying, though my shards palpitated madly from anticipating my legs in running down to embrace Shinichi in the warmest and most heartfelt apology. I felt my ribs would fracture from the excitement of my heart, my brain was even in agreement and screamed for me to run down, but seconds went by, and my legs remained petrified; Shinichi's steps were now very distant, and before I knew it, he had left. My opportunity was far too gone.
This succession of unfortunate events concludes my long and sour introduction. It can be said without a tinge of exaggeration that the aforementioned occurrences made a turning point in my life, though now I must proceed to the actual event which changed things even more for me, if possible.
And certainly, I soon found it was possible.
For the several days succeeding our memorable reunion, I quickly determined they were the most difficult 24-hour sets of my life. I saw Shinichi every day, if not in school, then on television. If I went to the market to buy some food, the salesclerk would say "Ran-chan! I heard about your boyfriend!", or if I picked up a newspaper, his picture would be in the front page. His face was everywhere, and it haunted me and my dreams, which were filled with a strange mixture of that night's sadness, and the lovesick thoughts of an adolescent… well, lovesick girl. I missed him so much; I missed both Conan and him so much, their sudden disappearance from my life was nearly traumatic. The house became so quiet, my responsibilities practically vanished, not even cases emerged to distract me (go figure!). Even 'tousan seemed a bit depressed at times, though Shinichi's face on the papers brought his inner devil to life, and he went on a rampage at the sight of him almost instantly. I was so desperate not to think of Shinichi at the time, that even 'tousan's tantrums and mad declarations of fury were a nice replacement to my worried thoughts. But those distractions didn't last long, for after all, 'tousan was in fact screaming not about anyone, but about him. And when I'd remember this small detail, my whole trail of thoughts returned to that sweet and intelligent detective, and I was back to Square One.
School was certainly the worst though. I can't remember a time where I dribbled so many eyes on my class notes, with all kinds of eyelashes, colors, and shapes too. I read not too long ago that dribbling eyes signified you felt observed; and if maybe you're wondering, I can tell you that at the time, Heck yes I felt observed. Walking to school was already bad enough, with people, both students and teachers, taking interested glances at me during the whole track. Through my short walks in the hallways, almost all of my classmates sang happily "your husband's back, Mouri-chan!" and "you're sooo lucky, Ran-chan. Sooo lucky." It was enough to drive me mad. And not to mention, what happened quotidianly within the class, with Shinichi actually in there. From getting whistles, to blowing kisses, to glares from fan girls, I merely continued my mad dribbles of eyes on every single note, homework assignment, test, and quiz. I think I got several complaints from my teachers that week…
But I cannot exaggerate the facts, for there were positive things during that time as well. Strangely enough, the purveyor of these good occurrences was Shinichi himself. At the time though, I hadn't been what you could describe as "particularly pleased" by what he did, and felt awfully uncomfortable about it all. In a way, he contributed to my hundred dribbles of eyes, not that that would faze him anyway.
I felt his gaze. His attention. Every movement of his body was dedicated to approach me. I could feel it, either on the back of my head, or in my writhing hands, or my throbbing chest, even in the air of the classroom. His eyes were always on the back of my head, and I could shiver for hours from just thinking about it. I dared not to look though (how could I?), and tried my hardest to pretend reading my English text, or Calculus notes, or whatever was in my hands, and keep my gaze away from him.
He followed me around school as well. There wasn't even a need for me to take notice of it; there was always a friend who spotted him right away, and ran to me just to say "Kudou-kun's been following you, Ran-chan! Why don't you go kiss him hello?" or "Hot stuff around you, Mouri-san, move it or lose it." The latter was mostly from… hm, well, very amiable fan girls.
And though when I felt Shinichi casually following me, or his eyes on my back almost constantly, I always hurried my pace, or distracted my gaze, but never, ever could I help the small smile of happiness that formed on my lips. Never would I admit it, not publicly at least, but his pursuit was very pleasing, and highly reassuring. After everything that I had said, and all that we both had gone through, he still searched for my company, and my friendship. He was extremely persistent and determined, and coming from a man like him, who was usually so proud and arrogant, to subside to a heedful and patient person… such a feat was almost a miracle. The fact that he voluntarily did it for me, out of all people, was more than enough to make me blush for hours. But not yet was I willing to approach him, for I was still painfully sore in fear that he may not love me, or have ever loved me. Not even once. This idea became my single worst fear, and such a large and overwhelming problem did it become for me, that I was soon in a horribly large denial of its actual existence, and simply refused to pay attention to it. I didn't want to think about Shinichi not feeling anything for me; I didn't want to believe that this fear of mine even existed; I refused (at least for now) to grab life by the horns and deal with this problem bravely; and it was completely out of the question to even consider asking him of his feelings for me.
So I took the easy and temporary way out, and paid him no mind nor attention (not openly, at least, for my heart still kept that pleasant throb every time he was around), and I continued with my business as best as I humanly could.
It had already been two weeks since Shinichi's nocturnal visit, when our school's karate tournament came in progress, and was actually very well drawing to a close. It was getting dark, and the stadium's reflectors were brightly shining over the blue mats, where all of the fights took place. There was only one match left, which would determine if Teitan or Tokyo High School should win, and it involved me against Tokyo's captain of the karate team, Takahashi Akira. It was unfortunate that my mind was so involved with Shinichi's face, otherwise I could have concentrated with more professionalism in the tournament. Before I knew it, the bell had chimed, and the loudspeaker announced this as the beginning of the last round, and Takahashi frowned in concentration. My thoughts of Shinichi's words, and pretty eyes returned as persistently as he'd followed me around, and I could almost not see my opponent.
I don't know what happened. But despite my little drawback, in between one of Shinichi's smirks, and one of his laughs, I planted my foot on Takahashi-san's stomach, and he pretty well flew across the mats onto the ground. I looked at him groaning on that blue fabric with huge eyes, since I had almost no clue on what had happened before that kick, but the next thing I knew, the loudspeakers announced my name as a victorious one, and a gilded trophy was shoved in my arms.
I had won, and Shinichi's azure eyes were all I could recall.
Blood had rushed pretty quickly to my cheeks, as the stentorian cheers of the crowds resounded all around the stadium. Smiles and appraisals surrounded me, almost overwhelmingly, and I directed my happy gaze to see my friends among the multitude of students seated on the benches. All of them waved, and sang, and a couple danced for my pleasure, but a strange feeling enveloped me when I didn't see Shinichi with them. I scanned the crowds (and large crowds they were, though I knew where to look for him), but surely, he wasn't sitting where he'd usually be. I looked around me, though only saw my teammates and teachers, and I looked all around the stadium, but his figure was nowhere to be found.
It was worrying. Shinichi never missed my karate tournaments. Never. I remembered that he'd taken a couple of peaks during our practices for the past days, and that made it all the more confusing. If he watched me practice, why should he not assist at something much greater, like the actual tournament? It didn't make any sense.
I refused, most hard-headedly, to believe that he'd finally given up on me. The idea would shatter for the umpteenth time, the poor organ beneath my ribs that I had somehow managed to tape together during these last weeks. And very poorly taped that it was. I had to make sure that no potentially threatening thoughts or feelings, entered my unreliable mind, or they would probably destroy the weak tape that maintained my heart from collapsing, and would cause the final demolition of that poor little organ. I had to be careful; I wasn't allowed to even think anything bad. So considering that Shinichi did not care for me anymore, was completely and downright taboo.
I continued to look around me with a faint hope of seeing him, and as I did, just for a tiny moment, a mere nanosecond, I lowered my guard and let any ideas roam freely. And that was all the time that I needed. Almost instantly, a thought sharply pierced through my mind, and indeed, the weak tape on my heart finally gave way with a snap.
What if he left?
What if this time, Shinichi had gone away for good, and was never to return again?
The little shards of throbbing heart, were practically boiling in anguish by now. My chest panged, and burned, and sank, and wrung in the purest and keenest fear that I'd ever felt in my life. I was nearly hyperventilating; my breathing was quick and ragged, and I could not control it, no matter how hard I tried, or how much concentration I invoked at that time. The trophy became too heavy in my hands, and I shoved it to a teammate next to me, never looking at anyone, as the acidity of my tears returned once again. The compression of the muscles in my throat was revived, and I could feel it tighten with panic at the notion that Shinichi had left me. But now, I began to realize that this was not a notion anymore.
I genuinely believed it.
And when you stop fearing something, and begin to assure yourself of that truth, panic and fear really do seem to abandon your state of mind. There's a small moment where you calm down. And then everything, is all quickly replaced with adrenaline, and a rush of action. And that is exactly what happened to me.
If Shinichi would leave, then I, without a shadow of doubt, and with my teeth clenched and fists tightened, was going to try my very best to stop him.
"Ran! That was amazing! You really smashed that Takahashi to pieces!"
"I'm sorry Sonoko, but I have to leave!" I interrupted her, my sentence coming out like a bit of an ultimatum, as I began to run and turned to glance at her and Eisuke-kun. "Don't wait for me!"
And I turned forward once again, running as fast as I possibly could, despite the fact I heard a strident "Ran! Where are you going?!" I dodged past numerous people, rushed past the school gates, and made a run for my life (because in many ways, it indeed was for my life) down the partially-deserted streets. There weren't many people walking at that particular hour of twilight, which was the grandest relief to my mind, as with my heart racing and I heaving violently, I sprinted my way to Shinichi's house. My legs moved with a swiftness I had never experienced before, and really, they moved with almost an artificial speed. But this wasn't a disappointment, and more of a pleasurable surprise, for I wanted to get there fast, and quickly I sure was going to arrive.
There was only one block left, when I heard a few ragged moans behind me, and my eyebrows raised when I glanced back to see a running Sonoko and Eisuke some several meters behind me. I didn't ever stop, as I said before though, and continued to gallop the last few meters that remained. Shinichi's house and black gate was already rushing past me, and I just needed to arrive at the main entrance.
I was there before I knew it, and I slipped my hand through the iron bars, and lifted the heavy handle to allow myself inside. Running shortly to the door, I fumbled with the doormat below me and I tried to grasp the hidden key. As I did this, I heard Sonoko moaning "My spleen..! M-my spleen, I think it ruptured!" later followed by "God..! NO..! I don't wanna die like this!" If my hands and nerves weren't so jittery, and if I hadn't been so preoccupied, I would've probably laughed at my friend's exaggerated gasps; but the skeleton key in my hand unlocked the door, and I soon forgot all about it.
Swinging my shoes before stepping on the wooden floors, I ran through the nearest rooms and scanned them; first through the dining room, then the kitchen, later followed by the living room, and (as the idea occurred to me) through the study. I stopped at this last, and was gasping for air as I looked around me, thousands of novels and files staring back at me, and to my dismay, no Shinichi. I inclined my head, and supported my arms on my knees, as I tried to think where he could be, while realizing that I had little time left. Soon after, I took a deep breath and started my way out of the study, running as quickly as I'd done before, through the living room, then the kitchen, and then the dining room, finally arriving at the vestibule where two worn and gasping friends stood, and I continued on my way up to the second floor of the house, skipping the wooden steps by two's. I reached the second floor, and turned sharply to the second door on my left, where I knew Shinichi's bedroom to be. Striding towards it, I swung and burst right through the door.
Oh, how sweet the feeling was, of that first calid wave of relief and happiness that enveloped me so protectively, and which unfortunately, I had not experienced for such a horribly long time. Relief soothed and warmed my chest, and I raised my hand to press it in gratitude. I had not felt so grateful and joyful in such a seemingly long time, that I could feel the tears of glee in my eyes, wanting to roll down my cheeks.
He was sleeping soundly yet silently on his double-bed, fully dressed in his school uniform and lying on top of the sheets and quilt. His head was turned towards the window, which was open and was admitting a stream of light reddish sunlight into the room, glazing its walls in a warm and rosy haze. It was all very pretty, and all the more handsome with him in there. As I looked at his figure from afar, I could not prevent the natural curiosity that grew within my chest, from seeing him sleeping so peacefully, so beautifully, and being so reachable to my grasp.
It was far too much to bear; and I excused my thoughts, saying to myself that I was just going to take a closer peak at him. Besides, it was reasonable! I hadn't seen him (really seen him) in a very long time…
So! I gulped down any doubt or nervousness that might have been roaming in my throat, and I gambled my luck of not getting caught, as I inched closer to him. Every step that I took seemed to take an eternity, and every board of wood beneath my feet, seemed to scream and creak in accusations of "Look at her! She's getting close, Shinichi, Wake Up!" or "How dare she approach him? Somebody, hurry, come get this peeping fan girl!" But despite these little inconveniences, I eventually reached the head of the bed, and Shinichi continued to sleep. I could see his long fingers twitch between his dreams, and his red lips quiver the smallest, most slightest bit from time to time. His brown bangs, curled at the ends, fell to his eyes and bridge of his nose, as his long and dark eyelashes danced slowly in sleep. I could already feel myself heating up from the sight, for he looked so innocent yet so attractive, it was almost as if he were taunting me, and daring me on what I'd do. But I opted for gulping, and tightening my fists in something similar to restraint, as I continued to observe him.
I noted that his cheekbones had increased in thickness, far more than before his Conan-days, and his shoulders had become considerably broader. There was something in his countenance, or his posture, or the air about him that seemed of a more mature age. I couldn't say exactly what it was, but it made me blush again, and gulp again, and sweat all over again. I noticed that his eyebrows were drawn to a soft frown though, and his eyes seemed to dart beneath his eyelids. There was a soft flush on his cheeks, which had already made me fear, in combination to the previous factors, that he might be feeling ill; and indeed, I confirmed my suspicions when I heard his soft breathing, low and short, leaving his lips in frail and short puffs. I touched his forehead very lightly, careful not to wake him, and felt the skin slightly hotter than usual, though it was almost negligible. I decided to look at the rest of his body to check if everything was okay, when to my misfortune, Sonoko appeared at the doorway.
"Oh.. ohohoho..! Noooo need to worry, I was just leaving!"
"S-Sonoko! Wait! Hold on! It's not what you think–!"
"Mm, I don't know about that, Ran! I mean, was it me, or did I see a pair of hungry eyes looking up and down our detective's legs, eh?" She said with a mile-wide smirk, tauntingly for sure, and rising her eyebrows suggestively. I don't think I shall ever remember a time where my cheeks felt so volcanically hot.
"Ran-san.. you look awfully red!" Said Eisuke with wide eyes, just as he'd appeared at the doorway.
"It's alright—she's just been enjoying a little.. manly physique..!"
"SONOKO!" I screamed, my heart racing and cheeks boiling in embarrassment, just as I heard a low grunt below me, and all of us turned to look. Shinichi was beginning to move, and mutter, and groan after being awoken by the commotion, and he stretched his limbs very tiredly in an attempt to wake up. His eyes slowly opened after a few seconds, and he met my gaze before anyone's, whispering my name after a few short seconds, in the most affectionate voice I'd ever heard from him.
(You can imagine my cheeks by now.)
Suddenly, he seemed to become aware of the growing darkness outside his window though, and his eyes widened considerably. "It's dark…" And then he gasped. "Oh no! The tournament!"
"It already ended…" I told him softly, and noticing how his expression instantly turned into one of disappointment. He was still breathing a bit tiredly, and I couldn't stop my mouth from asking.
"A-are you okay..? You look a bit sick…"
"Yeah—I just have something of a cold… people think it's stress, but what do I know?" He laughed languidly, hanging his head on his shoulder from its excessive weight. And he sniffed slightly, "I should be okay though…" and then his eyes lit up for the first time that evening, "But the tournament, Ran, did you win?"
"Y-yes…" I blushed shyly at his interest, though soon became a bit saddened as I considered that his feelings for me were most likely friendly.
He moved to sit a bit more comfortably on the bed, and a small smile soon formed on his lips. "So… Are you speaking to me again?" He asked quietly and with intensely palpable hope, as he gave me an awfully tender gaze. The breath for my response remained tightly trapped in my throat, not that if it had arrived in my mouth, would I had been able to formulate an eloquent reply anyway... His question took me completely by surprise, and I directed my gaze to the ground, or to the side, evading his eyes as heat rose to my face, and I stammered something along the lines "I guess so."
I heard the rustling of sheets and cloth before I saw him stand before me, approaching me with his characteristic determination, as he became more serious by the second. "Ran—you do know that I've never enjoyed these last months, filled with lies and constant secrets, do you..?"
"Sh-Shinichi.." I didn't know what else to say.
"What you said a few weeks ago, it.. I kept thinking about it, over and over again, just everywhere I went. Because it was just horrifying that you'd think I had fun at your expense.
"I have never taken pleasure in watching you worry day and night, and cry because of me… I-I want you to know that Ran, I want you to be sure of it. I hated to see you cry, and to see you sad, and because of me, out of all people! I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating that was… But that's why I tried to find them, because their arrest would mean the end of your sadness, and also mine. And only then, could I finally be able to make things better…" His voice lowered into a thick tune of emotion as he gazed at the ground, and it indeed left me speechless for several moments.
"But—Shinichi, I.. I don't understand. If you wanted me to stop being sad, then you could've let me know you were Conan. I can assure you that I wouldn't have been half as saddened, or worried as I normally was, had I known the truth."
"I know. I know you would had been happier if you knew."
"So why did you keep such a thing from me? I would've been happier, you knew I would've been happier, and you yourself would have probably been more relieved, so why in the world did you still lie? Do you see my point, Shinichi? Do you see that it just.. doesn't make any sense?"
"Yes, I.. I completely understand your perspective, Ran. It's just that… I wasn't allowed to tell you at the time." He responded, still with his very low voice. It was almost impossible to detect any exact emotion in his eyes, for they held far too many.
"By whom?"
"Everyone… everyone who knew about my situation, agreed that it was best not to tell you anything. And that's because the syndicate is composed of a very dangerous group of people. They would kill anyone who knew about them; I myself was in danger of being killed by them."
"But..! Oh god, Shinichi, that makes it all the less reasonable for you to not tell me..! If other people were in danger, if you were in danger! T-then why..!" My skin was beginning to burn with distress, "Why couldn't I share the threat as well? Why did I have to be kept in the dark, while everyone knew, and while everyone suffered equally? If being your friend, at that moment, signified my danger of dying, then I would've taken that danger with open hands, Shinichi! Why couldn't I also suffer the consequences?"
"What are you, crazy? Did you want to die, Ran?!"
"If it meant your trust, then I would had been willing!!" And then he shut my mouth with his hand, and firmly pressed his palm against me. And I could just stare, with wide eyes, as he penetrated me with his grave gaze. "Don't ever say that.. ever!" He whispered emphatically, and looking at me as if I'd cruelly shattered something inside of him. "This is not a matter of trust," he murmured, almost secretly, as his hand remained on my mouth, "When it comes to trust, I'd leave my life on your hands, Ran. So you can see, that none of the lies I told you were because I didn't confide in you…" A weight seemed to lift right off my chest, far more than my shoulders, and was probably the reason why my heart began to flutter. "I didn't tell you anything because I was afraid they'd kill you. If you knew about me, about Conan, they would have targeted you right away… I knew you were sad, and I knew that you'd want me to tell you, but I just couldn't risk your life. I wasn't willing to do it. I didn't want to lose you, Ran. Not forever, not permanently…" His cheeks slowly gained a very pretty rosy color. "I didn't want to lose you…" He said with sadness, and even lower than a whisper, as he gradually distanced his head from mine, and pulled his warm fingers from my mouth.
I was completely awestruck, and shocked, and thunderstruck, and astonished, and dumbfounded, and just so many more things as I looked at him with wide wonder. It was amazing how his words inspired such an incredible amount of blood to just rush to my cheeks, and tint them like a red rose, so quickly and so efficiently. It was almost scary to think that after so long he still possessed such a strong power over me…
But then, he continued, "The fact that I couldn't, nor was I willing to tell you the truth, does not signify that I don't feel guilty, or responsible about what you went through, Ran. You shouldn't have had to spend months worrying, or crying because of a stupid friend for so long. That should have never happened.
"You didn't deserve to be hurt, and wronged as much as I wronged you. And I know that what I caused was completely unjust. But the purpose behind these words, is to let you know that I am willing to give my everything to make it up to you. I know that I caused so many tears from your eyes, and I wounded your heart many times, but I.. I-I really do want to leave that in the past... I want to move on to something better, and much greater, and longer-lasting… If.. if you'd let me, Ran," his eyes had gained a powerful glimmer, and a pleasant blush covered his cheeks, "if you'd let me rid you of that sadness, absolutely any bit of it that's left.." my heart began to quicken, and soon raced fast… so very, very fast, "and you'd allow me to replace that hurt, with so many wonderful things that I can be sure to solely give to you," he approached me even more, and slowly ran his hands to my shoulders and neck, "I swear, I shall spend my entire life making you happy, and I can assure you that I'll achieve it. But.." his eyes begged me to comply, "I need a chance, Ran. A chance to change both your life and mine, and god, I know that I shall be euphoric for the rest of my life if you allow me the pleasure of being with you. It's been my dream for so long… has.. h-has it been yours?"
I felt like crying, "Yes."
"Ran…" he whispered lowly as he stroked my neck and clavicles, "I have loved you for so long…" and he then brushed his cheek against mine, burning my skin with his soft touch. "Long before I had turned into Conan... even back then, I already knew you were perfect for me. I remember I used to wish will all my heart that we could be together.. that I could just stay with you for the rest of time…" his lips moved to touch my cheek, caressing me so very lightly, as his breath burned like real fire.. "And I still wish to spend my life with you. Now more than ever. I'm tired of waiting, Ran, I'm tired of us being apart for so much longer than what was ever necessary… Let me be with you forever…"
I have no idea how, nor with what strength or oxygen, but I somehow managed to whimper a "Yes" as I clutched his jacket very tightly. My heart was undergoing a tachycardia as I felt his lips press against both of my cheeks, and his hot breath play across my mouth so many times. All the while, I remember he blushed madly, and panted very quietly in sickness, yet he was still a gentleman, and kept his hands on my hips very carefully (or perhaps shyly, or maybe both, I could not entirely tell). But it was then when he pulled me in, and I closed my eyes, and I instinctively held my breath. I faintly noticed a soft gasp and a hush from afar, when for the very first time in my life, after having waited for so long, and after enduring so many conflicts and struggles, I encountered the incredible sensation of Shinichi's lips against mine.
Jeez, this turned out to be waaaaay longer than what I had ever expected. Oopsies. xD Now I know that it seems to be a bit cut short at the end, but there's a fairly good reason for that. I have decided to save my innumerable and sensuous descriptions of sensations, touch, kisses and caresses, and far more, right into my head and keep them safely locked in my mental storage room. Why, you may ask? Well, let's just say I'm saving them for something juicier later... Need not to worry. (xD) I shall not disappoint. n//n
I have an announcement to make! I know this isn't livejournal, or anything like that, and I shouldn't include any boring personal stuff, BUT! I just have to get this out of my system, 'cause I am so excited!!! I am getting a collection of 15 dvd's of Meitantei Conan, from my greatest, most considerate, coolest, sweetest, most loyal, charming, and ever-loving childhood friend, Francisco-kun for my already gone 16th birthday!! n-n How I love and worship you, my man!!! xD
Anyway… //cough cough// let's be a little more civilized.. (just for today xD)
I'm on experimenting-mode, as you can see… First person narration! Hopefully it wasn't too horribly bad… ó.oU
So yes—feedback is extremely constructive, and always much appreciated. n.nU
Thank you for reading! ;D
