Stay With Me
A/U. Story title from the song "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith.
Sometimes what you want and need are one and the same. Finn wanted her. Finn needed her.
A/N: This is a very emotionally heavy and long chapter. I really enjoyed writing it. Hope you continue to enjoy the story. Again, thanks for all of the reviews, favs and follows.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Songs are the property of the writers/singers. Glee characters are the property of Glee.
Chapter 11
Oh God! Rachel couldn't breathe. Her chest was tightening. She felt her eyes misting up. She just stood there, staring at the blonde, wearing her Finn's shirt. Rachel remembered that face from a picture Finn had. That was definitely Stephanie.
"Hi, can I help you?" the blonde said, looking at her curiously. Rachel couldn't get a word out. She was trying to take a breath but it was so hard. She felt herself shaking. "Miss, are you alright? Are you hurt? Sick?"
"No...no, I'm..." Rachel, take deep breaths. You can get through this. "Is Puck home?" she forced out. There. That was a good enough cover.
She noticed the blonde smiling again. "No. He didn't come home last night. But my boyfriend Finn, you know, one of his roommates, said something about meeting him this morning for rehearsal. Did you need him for something?"
So, Finn left his girlfriend long enough to go to rehearsal. How big of him. Rachel felt anger overshadowing the hurt she was feeling. "No, I just wanted to ask him something but it can wait."
"Oh, okay then. You want me to tell him you came by?"
"Oh, that's alright. I'm...I'll catch him later." Rachel said, hurriedly walking away while she still could. She looked back over her shoulder and saw the blonde shrug and then close the door.
Rachel walked quickly back to her apartment, trying to hold back the tears that she could feel building up, blinding her. She walked past Kayla, who was sitting at the bar in the kitchen, going into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.
She stood beside her bed, trying to control the tremors she felt in her entire body.
How could he go back to her? How could he sleep with her after the words he had said to her? After everything they had shared. He promised he loved her and only her. He promised her that it was over between him and Stephanie. And there Stephanie was, standing in his apartment, wearing his shirt. Smiling at her. Smiling because she had come back and reclaimed what Rachel thought was hers. Oh, Finn! Why have you done this to me?
She threw herself onto her bed and just let her sorrow and pain engulf her. She cried, releasing the tears she had been holding back. Crying until she had nothing left but the pain and the heartache.
Curled up in her bed, she could faintly hear Kayla knocking on her door, calling her name. She ignored it, slowly drifting into a deep sleep, exhausted.
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"Puck, did Kayla have plans with Rachel today?" asked Finn, as he sat behind his drum kit.
"No, not as I know of. She said she was just chilling today and maybe we might get together tonight. Why?"
"Well, I have been texting Rachel and I called her twice. She hasn't returned by texts and her phone goes straight to voicemail."
"Well, maybe she's studying or something. You know how anal Berry is," returned Puck.
"Yeah, maybe," Finn doubted. "I didn't want anything anyway. Maybe I'll try again later," he said, putting his phone in his pocket.
They finished up rehearsal and he tried calling Rachel again, twice while driving back to his apartment. He finally just left her a message:
'Rach, what's up? You're not answering your texts or your calls. Just wanted to make sure you're alright and to wish you luck tonight. I miss you like crazy. Give me a call. I have something to tell you. I love you. Well...uh, bye.'
Finn went to the gym and played a game of pick-up basketball and then picked up some takeout and headed back home. He sat in front of the tv eating his food and watching some crappy movie.
His phone rang. Grabbing it, he noticed the caller ID-'Stephanie'. Dammit. "Hello, Stephanie. Why are you calling me? What could you possibly want?"
"Well, hello to you too, Finn. I calling because I left my curling iron on your dresser and wondered if I could come by...,"
"Not gonna happen," he cut in. "No way, Stephanie. Look, I'll get Puck or Matt to drop it off by your place next week. Is that it?" replied Finn.
"Yes, I guess that will be okay," she said, disappointed with Finn's curtness. "Gotta go but I just want you to know that I love you and hope this little infatuation you have with whoever she is will fizzle out soon and to let you know that I will be patiently waiting for you to..."
"Stop it, Stephanie. What do I have to say to get you to realize that it is over, done, finished between us?" Finn answered, trying to remain calm. "This is no infatuation, no teenage crush. We are not kids anymore, Stephanie," Finn continued, trying not to hurt her further but being blunt only seemed to work for her. "Listen, Stephanie. I love her. I will always love her. Again, I'm sorry you got hurt but I am not sorry I fell in love with her." Finn took a deep breath as he noticed she had gotten quiet on the other end.
"Look, I've got to go before I say something else that's not very nice," he continued. "Please, Stephanie, don't call me anymore." He then hung up, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He picked up the remote to turn the volume back up on the tv.
Puck came out of his room and stood in front of Finn. Reaching down and grabbing an egg roll, he asked Finn, "Is that what you're doing on a Saturday night? Thought you would be over there watching one of those chick flicks with Berry?"
"No, she has a date tonight so I'm chilling here. Beside, I'm crashing early. I'm still tired from yesterday."
"Well, have fun with Five Finger Fanny tonight. I'm outta here. Don't wait up," he said smiling. Finn threw a pillow at him just as Puck was closing the door.
Finn texted Rachel again. He knew she was out with John, hopefully breaking up with him. But he was still worried about her. She still hadn't returned his call.
He finally drifted off to sleep with his phone in his hand. Waking up suddenly, he looked at it. 12:38am. No missed calls, no new texts. Dammit,, Rachel! What's up with that? He decided that he would just have to go over to her place and see how it had gone with John. He couldn't take it any longer. She should be back by now. How long does it take to get rid of him?
He jumped in his car and drove the short distance to her apartment. Kayla came to the door in her robe. "Finn, what are you doing here this time of night?"
"Hey to you, too Kayla," he stated sharply. He was getting too impatient with everybody. "Is Rachel up? I need to talk to her," he asked, softer this time.
"She's not here, Finn," said Kayla.
"Hell, Kayla! It's after midnight. She should be here," Finn said more to himself than to Kayla. "Dammit Kayla! I'm sorry but I need to see her. I need to talk to her," Finn said loudly, running his fingers through his hair, tugging at it in frustration.
"Finn, calm down," she said, putting her finger up to her lips to get him to quiet down. "I don't know what's going on between you two but she was really upset earlier. She came in from an errand around lunch time and went straight into her room. She looked right at me but didn't acknowledge me whatsoever. Then I heard her in her room bawling her eyes out. She wouldn't come to the door. She only came out briefly to make a sandwich, go to the bathroom and then went back into her room."
"What?! I swear, Kayla. I haven't seen or even talked to Rachel today. Hell, why do you think I'm standing here now?"
"I said chill, Finn. Getting yourself worked up is not helping." Kayla tightened her robe around her. Looking up at Finn, she continued. "Well, she left here around 8 with John for their date and then she texted me about an hour ago saying she was spending the night over at John's and not to worry about her."
Finn's eyes widen and his mouth dropped open. "Spending the night over where?!"
"John's. You know, her boyfriend. What is wrong with you, Finn? The two of you are acting really weird."
He looks down, kicking his toe against the doorstop. "Nothing's wrong with me. At least, I thought there wasn't." He then looked up at Kayla, tears forming in his eyes. She could see the hurt in them.
"Finn, what is it?" Kayla said, taking one of his hands. "You can talk to me. Or at least talk to Puck. We are worried about you both. Look, we know something is going on between the two of you and now, I just don't know what happened. All of a sudden, Rachel was holed up in her room all day crying, sobbing. And you...look at you. You're standing here on my doorstep at midnight, all teary-eyed, about to break down any second."
Finn looks down so Kayla couldn't see the tears starting to fall. "I just can't talk about it. Not right now. Not until I talk to Rachel first. But I promise you Kayla," he said, now looking up, "I care a lot about her. I would never do anything to hurt her."
"I know you wouldn't," she said, reassuringly. "Not intentionally at least. But, she's not here, Finn. She won't be back until tomorrow some time. So, in the meantime, go home. I'll tell her you came by and get her to call and talk to you tomorrow. Okay?"
"Okay. Thanks, Kayla." He kisses her on the cheek. "Goodnight. And tell Puck, I'll see him tomorrow."
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Rachel sat there, on the side of John's bed, sobbing, unable to stop the flood of tears. She sat there shamefully, in only her bra and panties. She was trying to stop; stop long enough to talk to him. She just didn't think it would get to this point.
Once Rachel had stopped crying earlier, she had decided that she wouldn't break up with John. Finn was just a summer crush that she would eventually get over, she had convinced herself. Forget that he had texted and called her all day. He probably just wanted to explain why he had decided to stay with Stephanie, why he couldn't be with her. Guilt. That's all it was.
But she still had John, she had rationalized. John was kind, gentle, loving, and most of all, reliable, a constant. If she worked harder at nurturing their relationship, she could eventually love him. Probably as much as she loved Finn. She and John could have a nice, pleasant, reliable future together.
So, she had decided, at dinner, that she was going to devote herself completely to him. She would re-establish their physical relationship to let him know that she belonged to him and was totally dedicated to him. She had even texted Kayla to let her know that she wouldn't be home until tomorrow.
But now, here she sat, crying and unable to look John in the eyes. She couldn't go through with it. She just couldn't do it. When John kissed her, touched her, tried to make love to her, she only felt repulsed. Aversion to anyone who wasn't him. She was hopeless. She was so in love with Finn Hudson.
"Rachel, what's wrong? Did I go too fast? Did I do something wrong?" John questioned, coming over and sitting beside her. "Did I hurt you? Please Rachel, talk to me, sweetheart."
"I...I...Oh, John. I am so, so sorry. I just...I just can't...not with you." She couldn't continue. She was crying too hard.
"Look, shhhh." He attempted to gather her in his arms. Rachel froze, turning to look at him, her eyes swollen from crying.
John let his arms drop down onto the bed. He then kneeled down in front of Rachel, looking her in the eyes. "Hey, hey. Look at me Rachel. What is it, honey. Talk to me."
Rachel attempted to hold her gaze with John but guilt and shame wouldn't let her. She dropped her head, staring at her hands in her lap. "John...I'm...I love him. I just love him so much and I don't know how to stop. He hurt me. His...oh, I'm...," Rachel paused, trying to gather her thoughts again.
She then stood up, brushed past John and began searching for her dress and shoes. John just sat there, confused. Putting dress and shoes on, she walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Rachel," John called out, following her into the kitchen, "what the hell is going on?! And who are you talking about? You love who?"
After getting a glass of water at the sink, she took a seat at the table. John sat down at the table, sitting across from Rachel. "Come on Rachel. Tell me what's going on. I'm trying to understand but I don't think I like where this is heading."
She took a big sip of the water, trying to calm herself down enough to talk to John. Putting her hands in her lap, she looked down. "John. I'm in love with someone else."
"What?!" he shouted. "I'm gone for what, a week, and you fall for someone else?!" I can't believe that Rachel!" he started shaking his head, side-to-side.
She then looked up at him. "You wanted me to talk, then stop shouting at me! You think I planned this? You think I wanted to end up like this, hurting, hurting you?" Feeling more encouraged, she continued on. "It didn't just happen, John. We have been seeing each other, just as friends, for a few months now. Well, we were just friends until the other night."
"Oh, wait up. Are you saying you have slept with him, Rachel?" Rachel nodded. "Oh, hell! That's why you won't let me touch you. That's why you were just now acting like some fucking frigid virginal teenager!" John stood up with his hands in the air. "Oh, man. I have been so stupid! So naive! Happening right under my nose!"
"Hate me, John! I know I hate myself for doing this to you!" Rachel screamed, the tears starting up again. "I'm sorry I led you on. I"m sorry that I can't stand for anyone to touch me but him. I'm sorry, John, that I let this happen! But it did. I tried to control it. I tried to fight it. But somethings, John, can't be controlled. Can't be changed."
"Oh, right, put up a big fucking effort! I bet you fought him off. While I'm out there trying to build our future, trusting you, loving you, you're here 'fighting' off some bastard working his way into your pants! Yeah, right Rachel. I bet you fought him off, all the way to the bed while you were screwing him! You know what they call people like you, Rachel? A whore! A damn deceiving whore! I can't believe how low you stooped."
"I deserve all of the names you are calling me. I deserve the anger and the loathing. Just put it out there, John. But all of it doesn't change one damn thing. I love him! I love him so, so much! And," she then stood up, "I can't change it. I can't remove him from my mind," she says, jabbing her finger at her temple, "I can't remove him from my heart. Sometimes you can try to control your mind, what you think. But, your heart, your heart is a totally different thing."
It gets quiet all of a sudden. All is heard is the ticking of the clock on the wall overhead and the arguing couple's breathing. John was the next to speak. "Rachel," he says, calmly, "why did you feel like you had to lie to me? I thought we were always honest with each other."
"Because, John," Rachel answered, "For the longest time I was lying to myself. I thought I loved you. I thought I wanted to be with you. To move to Durham, to marry you. But then I met him. I truly love him, John. There is nothing I can do to change it. I'm sorry."
He pauses, running his fingers through his hair. "I guess I've just been denying that things had been changing between us. I kept pretending that once I became a full-fledged surgeon and we moved to Durham together, things would go back to the way they were before."
Rachel closed her eyes, fighting more tears. "They just aren't. I think he will always have my heart. No matter what," she said, quietly.
"Well," John said, crossing his arms across his chest, "I can't fight that. So, go. Be with your lover. I've had enough of you using me to make yourself feel better." He then turns and heads back toward the bedroom, slamming the door closed behind him.
Rachel stands up, her legs shaking, and heads toward the door to leave. Picking up her purse by the door, she grabs her cell phone and calls a taxi. Noticing the time on her phone: 1:35am, she wonders if he's with her tonight.
